My heart keeps breaking for Budha

The day you left me was hard enough

but what comes after is almost unbearable

for me and for my heart;

I swore I would never go through this again but

looking back, I wouldn't trade one single day of it;

I find it hard to sleep at night

without you curled behind my knees

I find myself reaching for you;

WE find ourselves reaching for you

only to find each others hands and console each other;

I wake up a lot

and you're the first thing on my mind

I need to let you outside to potty

but you're not there;

you're not at the door waiting for me;

And even when I needed to potty

you were always there so I wouldn't be alone;

paws on my thighs while I rubbed your neck

I'd say I love you and you'd lick my chin

then you'd lay down on the rug and wait;

When I come home from work

you are no longer waiting for me at the window;

you aren't there to greet me at the door

doing your circus-dog dance

ready to give kisses and give hugs;

I had to choose another blanket

to curl up with in my chair;

Yours is wrapped around your little body

and I miss it; I miss the feel

I miss the smell; I miss the baby that always laid on top of it;

I look for you when I'm in the shower

to lick water underneath the curtain;

It breaks my heart to think

that I am never going to see you do that again

and I want a new routine;

While filling my glass with ice today

a cube or two hit the floor

but I knew you would come running

to eat them right up like you do;

you loved the ice as much as any other treat;

Something as simple as making a meal

or making a snack has become heart breaking for me;

I look for you to be doing your dance

with that twinkle in your eye just begging me

to drop a piece of food;

I miss your bark

that incredibly horrendous wail;

It was so hard to put up with it

but I would give anything to have it back

to have you back;

When I got ready to come back home

after a few days away;

I couldn't wait to see you and hug you

and then it hit me that I never will be able to again

and it leaves a cold, black hole in my heart.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to dispose of your things;

your toys, your leash, your food and water dishes, even your meds;

If they're here, you are here with me and

I don't ever want to lose that feeling;

Ever;

Annie still searches the house for you

her best friend and brother;

She gets agitated and frustrated

but she knows

she knows that you no longer hurt;

Little Budha you brought me more love

than you will ever know;

Daddy, Annie and I will always keep you

in our hearts, in our minds, and in our prayers;

Until me meet again..on that rainbow bridge, my love.

Simple and silly

In less than three hours, my work day will end and I will not have to be back to work for a solid week.  Ahhhh so many plans and so much fun to look forward to!

But before I leave, I want to tell you all a little story.  And it will be little.  I hope.

Once upon a time, there was a simple-minded boy and he became friends with this big-hearted girl.  They were great friends.  Grocery shopping together; movies with the kids; dinners out; they even worked together.  

The simple-minded boy kept asking the big-hearted girl to do things that she wasn't comfortable doing and he wanted her to do them in places that were very public.  The big-hearted girl kept telling the simple-minded boy that she only wanted a friendship and she would never do those things that the simple-minded boy wanted her to do.  The simple-minded boy persisted.  And persisted.  But he was met with her stubbornness and pride in herself. The simple-minded boy said some naughty things to the big-hearted girl but they agreed to remain friends.

The big-hearted girl had a silly-ass friend that did not like this simple-minded boy very much.  This silly-ass friend also worked together with the big-hearted girl and the simple-minded boy.  The silly-ass friend said that she could never be interested in someone like that for reasons other than she was already married but the simple-minded boy just wasnt her type.  The simple-minded boy felt the same way about the silly-ass friend.  

Suddenly one day, the simple-minded boy's cheese slid right off his cracker and he started making bad choices.  He quit his job and walked away from those that cared a lot for him. Those people that thought they were his friends, were nothing more than a memory for him now.

One day the silly-ass friend went to visit the simple-minded boy and they asked the big-hearted girl to come over to talk and she did.   She was met with the news that the simple-minded boy likes the silly-ass friend, as more than friends, and vice versa. The big-hearted girl didn't understand why they were telling her this information and the silly-ass friend said she just needed her to know and asked her to please keep her secret until the silly-ass friend could tell her family.  The big-hearted girl agreed.

Time went by and the big-hearted girl was sad.  Sad because she had to keep a secret that she shouldn't know.  Sad because her silly-ass friend and the simple-minded boy were making big mistakes and bad choices.  Sad because when she was asked by the silly-ass friend, about some things the simple-minded boy said and did, she had to be honest and say some things that didn't make him look so good.  The silly-ass friend did not like that at all and turned her back on the big-hearted girl.

The big-hearted girl gets the news that the silly-ass friend told her family about her bad choice and when asked if she knew about it, she had to be honest and say yes.  It took a huge load off of her shoulders but she was still sad for the circumstances that her now-ex-silly-ass friend would be in.

The now-ex-silly-ass friend got very angry with the big-hearted girl and said some not so nice things to her.  The now-ex-silly-ass friend has blamed the big-hearted girl for the mistakes she herself, has made.  The now-ex-silly-ass friend is mad at the big-hearted girl for keeping her secret like she said she would.

The big-hearted girl is now in a much better place because she has gotten rid of two very bad and negative people in her life.  The big-hearted girl doesn't have to be sucked into the drama of the now-ex-friend or the simple minded boy.  

And the author of this story couldn't be happier because she thinks the now-ex-silly-ass friend lost one of the best people she could ever have in her life AND because she thinks the simple-minded boy has always been a jackass.

The End!

Working out...mind and body

As I type this, I don't have any idea if I will have the nerve to hit "publish."

I joined a friend in a 3 month "thing" as we like to call it; she is trying to drop a few pounds to fit into a dress and asked me if I was interested in joining her.  Of course I was!  All I was needing at that time was a little motivation.  What I didn't do was look at the calendar!  April, May, June, and half of July. She sneaked that little half month thing in there recently but they, what's a few more days, right?  

April.....traveling to some doctor appointments with Kathy and Jackie.  This means possibly eating in the car as well as at restaurants we've never been to that may or may not have the best choices.  (As a side note, we actually all did very good on choosing healthy places to eat AND I learned to never eat at a Hy-Vee Marketside place ever again lol)
May.....memorial day.   My dear potato salad will have to be put on hold for a while.  Oh I hear you already!  "You can have it as long as you have it in moderation!"  Yes, I know this.  I also know that I can't eat potato salad in moderation!  Trust me, I have had plenty of practice!
June.....it's picnic time and who has a picnic without potato chips?  Ugh, I would LOVE a bag...and I mean a big bag...of dill pickle potato chips right now!  I would just stick my head in the bag, inhale and that would be that.  Do you sense a potato theme going on here?
July.....and here I thought I was going to be able to eat like 6 hot dogs on the fourth of July!  Haha no!  Who am I kidding, I wouldn't even be able to eat 6 hot dogs now.  I like the thought of it though.  So...fourth of July and funnel cakes go together, don't they?  Yes, they do.  Oh funnel cakes, I am going to miss you!

We are just past our third week on this "thing" and I have lost 10 lbs that I know of.  Of course I forgot to weigh yesterday so there's that.  I will do it later today when I wake up, I guess.  

And here's where I let things get to me.  Where it makes me mad as hell and more self conscious about my body.

I have a "friend" that likes to crack jokes about how my body looks; how "scary" it must be when I work out; how I won't ever look like those "hot" girls that you see on tv, no matter what I do; I have no...and never will have...a butt.  

I am pretty quick to fire back with things like "At least I am doing something besides sitting on the sidelines watching someone else try to better themselves while I do nothing."  I do not care what I look like when I exercise.  What I care about is how my body and my mind feel after I'm done.  I don't care if I never look like those "hot" girls that we see on tv because I want to be my own person; not them.  And the rumors are true.  I have no butt.  Sadly.  I am working on it but it isn't a priority.  I am sorry for those that can't understand that my gluteus is totally maximus!  It is all completely muscle.
And I'm okay with that.  And my legs are to die for.  Seriously in good shape and the rest is going to follow!    Besides, what do I need extra for anyway?  I have enough "extra" in other places that need to be a priority.

So there it is.  I don't care what anybody...including those that are my "friends" have to say to negatively impact my life.  I am stronger than that and I am better than that. 


SO WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?

I'm content

I saw this on a Facebook post and thought it was the funniest...

funniest haha AND funniest hmmm...

post that this gal could have chosen

to publicly display.

WHY?

Because literally one week before she posted this thing,

I drove three hours to see her...

only to get this when I called to tell her I was in town

 "I woke up in pain.  

I mean I didn't get any sleep.

I'm not up for company.

I meant to text you last night

but must have forgotten."

OKAY...

Not trying to be a literal bitch here

but what is it?

Did you wake up in pain

OR

did you not sleep?

OR

did you really not have any intentions

of spending time with me.

Because I can accept that answer

just a little bit better.

You can't have it both ways.

JUST KNOW THIS

I don't "chase" nor do I want to be "chased."

You made your choice though.

And I'm okay with it.

The day you let me drive all that distance

without a single thought as to the money I spent

in gasoline;

or the time I took away from other people

that actually DID want to spend time with me,

And

I HAD ONE OF THE BEST DAYS!!

See, I was going to see if I could treat you

and your child to lunch.

I thought we could take a drive around town

and see some places that we used to go to.

I thought we might see a friend or two

that we shared from the "good ole days."

I thought we might stop at a park

and relax and "pick up where we left off."

BUT I DID IT WITHOUT YOU.

I took advantage of the day

and saw so many places,

that were once so special to me.

I walked some malls,

did some window shopping,

AND

ate at a restaurant all by myself.

And I didn't die.

It may not have been the best feeling

sitting there all alone

wondering;

but it sure beats the feeling of

dragging my ass out of bed 

before the crack of dawn

and driving three hours

only to find out that you

couldn't be upfront with me;

that my time wasn't worth your trouble.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm okay.

And I'm tough.

And I learn from all my mistakes.

YOU'RE STILL THERE.

On my friends list

and I have no intentions of removing you.

Because you are always going to be

that reminder

that people can't always trust

people.

AND AGAIN, THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm content in my own company.

Stressing over the little things

I went to a birthday party and someone asked me if I have Social Anxiety Disorder simply because I sat "away" from the crowd.  And that made me laugh.  After all, I haven't found one person that will agree with the fact that I really was a shy little kid growing up so what makes anyone think I get anxiety from people?!  I was shy... (but it's just a sad fact that nobody will have my back on this little tidbit of information about my past) whether anyone believes me or not.  In all seriousness, I like to think I'm a pretty social person but then again, people do tend to irritate me.

Anyway, I recently had an interesting conversation with a dear friend that told me that she loves the idea of going and doing things with her friends and then after making that commitment, gets an almost sick feeling in her stomach because she doesn't want to follow through with it.  Our day away was actually one of those times she felt that way but she forced herself to follow through, work through, and enjoy herself.  Funny thing is that I went through that exact same thing.  Each of us about cancelled on the other but we didn't and we ended up having one of the best days together!!  So many laughs and personal talks.  I wouldn't trade that day for anything!

I wonder though, why we let our anxiety get to us like that?  When we know in our heart of hearts, that we want to spend time with people or a particular person, why do we let that feeling of "oh boy" get to us?  

I have another friend that always tells me she loves the fact that I am not afraid to do anything and not afraid of anything (there is a short list of things I'm afraid of, as we all know) and she wishes she could be more like me.  The real truth of the matter is this:  I am terrified at least once a day about how someone is going to perceive me or look at me.  But I refuse to let that keep me hostage in my own body; in my own home; or my own world.  I force myself to work through it.  At least once a day and some days, many times a day; depending on the situations.

But, on the other side of things.....I am not confident enough (for lack of a better term) with myself to go to a movie alone.  I tried that recently and lost my ticket right before the movie was to start.  If that wasn't a sign from God, I don't know what is!  I am also not confident enough to go to a restaurant and eat a meal by myself.  When a friend of mine (who is freakishly weird about doing both of the above) asked me why I can't do that, it all boils down to how people would perceive me.  Oh Lord, we have had this conversation too many times to count.  

"Why does it matter what people think of you?"

I don't have an answer.  As much as I can tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, it does matter.  I don't want to be that weirdo that has no friends to go out in public with.  Wait...I think I already am that weirdo.  -_-  I guess it's easier to penalize myself and stay home simply because my friends have different schedules than I do.  Sounds stupid, yes; but that's the way it goes.

Where the hell was I going with all of this?  Someone needs to step in and tie this all together.

I have a friend that lives in Kansas City and she and I have had some wild and crazy times.  I haven't seen her for years.  Maybe.....12 years.  I feel the need to see her; to visit her and get to know her again; to refresh my soul and rekindle anything our friendship may have lost.  And as much as I want to see her, the anxiety it brings out in me about makes me cancel the trip.  But I won't.  And I won't let myself think too much about going because I don't want to stress myself out about it.  I will work through this.  And I am excited to see her again.  I can't wait to see her beautiful smile and meet her amazing kids.  Girl, if you are reading this.....I will be there and we will have the time of our lives.  

Does any of this make sense?  Does anyone feel the same sense of "people freak me out but I love them" like I do?  Does anyone else have to mentally force themselves to do public things?  Time to step up and live outside the box.  What's the worst that can happen?

Just a short tidbit about nothing, really.  Just thinking with my fingers again.  Until next time.....have a beautiful day and thanks for reading!

Up close and.....too personal

**WARNING**

**VERY LONG BLOG**

**VERY INTIMATE BLOG**

**YOU MAY BE APPALLED**

**YOU MAY BE SHOCKED**

**YOU MAY BLUSH **

**YOU MAY NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME AGAIN**

So...........I go away for a long time and what do I come back with?

Sex

That is all I could find.  Just the sex.  Well, maybe not ALL I could find; but it was slim pickens!

For this particular blog.....I keep asking myself...and you are probably going to think the sam thing... "What were you thinking???"   Well, I don't know for sure what I was thinking when I thought I would put this together but I have to say this.....I have some pretty great friends to answer these silly questions I came up with.

I was even going to save this for Valentine's Day but.....  Oh, who am I kidding?  It may take me until then to figure this whole thing out!!!  Just humor me here, ok?  This blog was literally started on Thursday, January 14th and here it is Tuesday, March 8th.  I think it's time to get this party put "in the books."  Got your seat belt on???

A while back, I must have signed up for some kind of email that submitted short stories.  I am a sucker for stories.  Especially the short ones.  There was one article called "The man deciding whether to cheat on his sexless relationship" and it caught my eye. To be honest, I would bet at least 6 things went through my mind when I saw that caption but I'm not going to get into that right now.

I can't pinpoint one particular reason why this article caught my eye other than it was about sex and well....I'm kinda weird and funny about it. It is a subject I can talk about all day long.  After reading the article I thought “Well why not do my own blog on the subject” and then the seed was planted.  

CONFESSION #1:  In October.  The seed was planted back in OCTOBER!!!  Yes, it has been a busy season.  Talk about sitting on an egg to keep it warm, huh???

I emailed several of my friends that agreed to participate and promised their anonymity. Their information has been jotted down but that is it.  No names, no email addresses.  All deleted from my files so all I have to do now is make some sense out of this particular information.  I have to be honest though, if I had received an email asking me these questions.....I wouldn't be able to resist.  I would have to have funny answers as well as serious answers.  I can talk about sex all day long.  I never said it was a serious talk!

CONFESSION #2:  Reading their answers makes me look, well.....not-so-great.  My honesty will either put a smile on your face or wipe me clean off your map.  Either way, it's about to get dirty up in here!

I asked several questions of gals (because I didn't know one single man that would take this seriously enough to answer them) ranging in age from early 20's to mid 60's.  I have to say I was quite surprised at how they answered a lot of questions the same.  I guess age doesn't change anything. And if that is the case.....good thing I married a younger man!

A difference of 1 person on my panel tipped the scales of being in a relationship while the other side, due to death or divorce, were not. I asked if these gals considered themselves "sexual" and the majority said yes.  Phew!  

CONFESSION #3:  I will also throw myself into this group.  I have always heard that men think about sex at least once a minute every day. I think someone posted that memo inside my head because I do it too.  Although over half of that time is spent making a mental joke about it.  I never said I was right.  I have only said I am fun.  So, I just think that the majority of people are sexual.  Whether you want to be or not, I am hereby deeming you sexual.  Kinda makes ya smile, huh?

"Would you say you are sexually active?"  
Sounds funny, doesn't it?  Either you are or you aren't.  BUT, I think that if you aren't having sex as much as you like, you may not consider yourself to be sexually active; whereas others may think that if they have sex once a year, they are sexually active.  My own opinion if you are only having sex once a year....go get you some.  Find a friend.  Phone a friend.  Hell, I don't care what you do but get that friend over there and get you some!  The cobwebs needs to be blown out.  Just throw caution to the wind and "fuck it."  

CONFESSION #4:  I would throw caution to the wind every hour on the hour but....well life gets in the way!

I nearly forgot what the hell I was doing here.  My thought process just hit red on my sex meter.  I was ready to break out the pom poms and cheer you gals on!!!  Back to business at hand!

Most of my group says they are sexually active...or would be if they had a partner.  That makes me so proud.  I like it when my girls can "get it."  And I love it that they admit it.  No need to be so damn uptight about this stuff!

"When you wake up, do you feel sexy, horny, both or neither?"  
My panel of experts were split on this one and I can't even fathom it!  (Remember:  not right, just funny)  The majority...and only by a very slim margin...says they are none of the above when they wake up.  But following very closely behind was a group saying "HEY, OVER HERE!  I'M HORNY!!!" and a mere few that just sometimes get the urge at the crack of dawn...or whenever it is they wake up.

CONFESSION #5:  I couldn't wait to get the answers to this question because damn it, I think the absolute best time to just fuck your brains out is right when you wake up.  I bet you weren't expecting that, huh?  

"What would you say is the difference between being sexy and being horny?"  
I got a range of answers to this one and they all said the same thing.  
"Sexy is how you feel on the outside while horny is how you feel on the inside."
"Sexy can be putting on a nightgown while horny is craving the sex."
"Sexy is emotional while horny is not.  Horny is just 'give it to me now.'"
I have the funnest friends in the world.  Let's not forget that.  

CONFESSION #6:  I try to be both sexy and horny all at the same time.  I think it brings out the "inner sex" of someone if you can put your sexy into your horny and it tends to bring love-making to an all-time high.  Try breaking a bed by simply having sex AND look hot while doing it.  You will never forget it.

By the way, I never said this blog was going to be comfortable.

"Are there any certain sexual triggers in the course of your day that make you feel sexy or horny?" 
Only a couple of people said no and that surprised me.  You can't believe how I am beaming with pride over my friends right now!!  Glimpses from men, just that certain time of day hits, you catch the familiar scent of a former (and obvious great) lover...are just a few of the answers I received. 

CONFESSION #7:  When I think about the first time my husband and I went fishing together, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling going on.....and we didn't even have sex that day!  I just remember that I felt so close to him and I was the center of his entire world and it was the best feeling ever.  Going fishing will always be a big trigger for me.

"Generally, how sexual do you feel in the middle of the day?"  
CONFESSION #8:  Since I work nights, I am generally waking up in the middle of the day so yeah.............IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME!!!  When I worked the day shift though, I probably didn't think as much about it.  Although, if I had a really good day, whether at work or out and about, and I mean a REALLY good day...yeah, I wouldn't pass coming home and riding the bronco to celebrate.  Hey, just sayin!  

But that feeling of not wanting sex in the middle of the day was almost completely unanimous with the exception of one person (besides me) and that was a "depends on the day," so there you have it.....women don't want it in the middle of the day.  Unless they are just waking up ;-)

"Do you ever fix a meal for someone special in hopes of them feeling sexual or horny?" 
Without my input, my gals were split right down the middle.  Half said yes and half said no.  To the ones that said no, you may want to consider it.  Cobwebs, remember?  A plate of lasagna and you could be in orgasmic heaven!  It may truly be that easy!!!

CONFESSION #9:  I have done this numerous times.  I should be ashamed. I'm not. I have made expensive meals from King Crab to simple, cheap, yet elegant chocolate covered pineapple dishes (only a few of you are going to get that) in hopes (and preparation) of getting my groove thang on!  Until the day I die, or my husband dies, whichever comes first, I will feed him the food of the love gods.  Whatever it is he is craving that day.....if it means I get a smile on my face.

"Do you consider yourself a flirt?"  
If this question wasn't just made for me!  I have a sister that thinks I flirt with just about everybody I come into contact with.  And she's right of course!  HA!  I don't even have to make this a confession.  I flirt all the time.  It's what I do.  It's like breathing to me.  It's fun and that's the only way it's meant to be taken.  In fun.  I believe that if you know where your line is...and you stay behind it...and you are honest about it with everyone, including your spouse, there is no harm.  Everyone needs to feel wanted.  Everyone.  Apparently, only myself and one other in this group consider themselves a flirt.  I'm not sure who this person is but we should probably hang out more often!!!

"Have you ever cheated on a partner?"  
This question probably wasn't too fair to ask so I hope nobody took it to heart.  Many of us have such different views on cheating that we could all answer yes and still not be doing the same thing.  Most of us would agree that cheating is having sexual intercourse with another.  To some though, oral sex is not considered sex nor cheating; while to some, just thinking/fantasizing about another is cheating.  So I guess when I asked this question, I should have asked what exactly their meaning of cheating was.  I didn't and majority was no.  

CONFESSION #10:  While I was technically still in a relationship (the end, and it was bad), I did start looking for my next victim...errr friend, I mean.  When I was waiting for my first divorce to finalize, I was already out playing the part of short stop with my doctor friend.  He's the one that taught me about that chocolate pineapple thing.  And just by sheer luck, I met and got to know my current husband as he worked on my car, while the now-ex husband was busy playing hide the salami with another man.  Yes, you read that right.  

Again, this wasn't meant to be comfortable.

"If you knew you could cheat and NEVER be caught, do you think you would?"  
I worded it this way because I didn't want my peeps to think "would you?"  I wanted them to "think if they would."  Does that make sense?  In the grand scheme of things, you don't know what you are going to do in any given situation until you are faced with it; that's why I say "think you would." 


Everyone on my panel said they would not cheat though.  Again, I have great friends.  Two particular answers made me smile though.  "Maybe with Jax from Sons Of Anarchy!"  Hey, I feel your pain.  I'm a Daryl Dixon fan on The Walking Dead.  I truly get it, ladies.

CONFESSION #11:  I think I would.  I have actually had this conversation with my husband so don't anybody freak out.  I mean, I am a seriously sexual person and yeah...I am willing to jump through some hoops to get some goodies but if I had the GUARANTEE that nobody would EVER find out.......I'm on it.  What do I have to lose?

This is one of the questions where I can just feel my existence being wiped from a few boards.

"Do you think you and your partner have similar sex drives?" 
I literally had ONE person answer yes to this question and man, am I jealous!!!  Or am I?  Maybe neither of them want to have sex.... In that case, my jealousy just went and dug a hole in the ground and hid.  Yeah, I didn't think this one through.  I should have asked who had more of a sexual drive, him or her.  I would about bet though, it's always the man.  Except at my house!

CONFESSION #12:  I can out-sex my husband standing on my head.  There is a reason I am on husband #3.  Without sex I have no reason to live.....

"To what extremes would you go to please your partner sexually?"  
Not so many people share my enthusiasm on this though.  A couple, but not many.  Ladies.....this may be why you aren't getting laid.  Just sayin'!

CONFESSION #13:  If he thinks it's a good idea and I think it sounds fun - and vice versa - there isn't much I won't do to make my husband happy.  Again, I have lines that I clearly wouldn't cross but I do like to make my man feel good.  

"Is the best sex of your life with your current partner?"  
For those that currently do not have a partner, they "used" their last partner for the sake of this questionnaire and majority ruled no.  In my opinion, I think that is probably a normal answer.  I will put my answer in with the majority as well simply because I think when we finally feel that connection with someone, the sex isn't about being "the best" anymore, as much as it is about being "together." 

Together is a better place in my book.  AND I also believe that for many of us, the "best" sex was had when you were young and wild and free.  Yeah, I sound like a rock n roll song but that's just how I feel.

"Does your partner strive to please you in bed?"  
This was pretty much split down the middle with both answers of yes and no but I think the best answer I received on this was "The best sex is successful when we strive to please each other."  Agreed!!  Whoever said this hit the nail on the head!!!  For those of you that answered no, *sad face.*  You may need to break out the ruler and teacher glasses and show him how you want it done.  There's nothing wrong with showing him how you like it.  We all have to learn some way, right?  

CONFESSION #14:  Sometimes I get tired of being the teacher and sometimes I don't!

"Is lack of sex an issue in your relationship, and if so, does it cause issues in other ares of your relationship?"    
Majority ruled no!  Some because they don't have a partner currently so I guess that wouldn't be an issue..........or would it???  These answers varied across the board.  From no to yes because he wanted it all the time and it made me not want to have it at all, to definitely caused a few issues and for some caused a lot of issues.

For the sake of your sanity and mine, that is the end of the questionnaire.  At least for now.  Until I find new material and new suckers...I mean panelists.  I mean, I love my girls but I don't need to be divulging ALL their secrets, right??

I'm not sure that you were really supposed to LEARN anything from this blog and it was truly meant to be in fun but if you got this far and you are still speaking to me, at least tell me you smiled ONCE while reading this!!  And thank you.....for a lot of things but mainly for just putting up with me and my ramblings.  Until next time.....

The best advice I can give you right now is this:

GO GET SOME!!!

Trying to cope with the future

So..... I am not sure there is any way to write this blog without making myself sound like a complete A-hole.  I almost didn't write the blog.  It bothered me enough the past two days that well...here I am, right???  Won't be the first time I've been an A-hole and I suppose it won't be the last.  Unless I stop breathing in the next 30 seconds.....

Before I go into the "why's" of it all, here's where I am sitting mentally:  Because she has passed away, I feel that, given the chance later in life, I won't be able to be completely honest about how I feel about this particular person.  Because she's dead you see.  And it's isn't nice to talk bad about the dead.  I figure I have a few years to work this out but for right now, it gets me "right there!"

My husband's ex-girlfriend has died unexpectedly and you might be thinking "How the hell does this affect you?"  Well, here's the deal.  My husband and his ex-girlfriend had two children together and they lost their children to the State.  I met my husband during the latter half of the battle that he eventually lost, to get his kids back.  This was literally the worst time of his life.  Apparently I was brought into his life for a reason and I believe that reason was to show him that life can go on; that if you live your life right and do the right things, your past could come back to greet you in a good way.

It has taken many years for my husband to deal with this loss and it hasn't always been easy dealing with the ex.  For him, not me.  
I have never had to deal with her.  
I have never had to speak to her.  
I have never had any kind of contact with her.  (Except for that one time...at Walmart.  And it was just a snide remark.  Okay, I may not have been very nice)  

I will say that the two of them made communication work for them when it was necessary.  Information and picture exchanges about and for the kids went smoothly.  Anytime one needed something from the other, it just worked out.  Well...after I came along it did anyway.  I can't vouch for much before I came into the picture.

I have always told my husband that he needs to get his sh!t straight and keep it straight because there is a good chance that the future holds another day for him to meet up and get to know his kids.  We have stored some things of theirs from when they were babies, we have photo albums waiting for them,  and we put a little money away for them several times a year; just in case they might need it.  Every Christmas, I buy a Christmas tree ornament for each one of them and put their name on it and hang it on the tree (when I choose to put a tree up).  

One thing I have always wondered is what "she" would tell those kids about their dad and about the way things "went down."  I have always wondered if she would make him out to be the devil or if she would have sense enough to give him some credit.  Because credit is certainly due him.  And I'm not saying that credit isn't due her as well but the honest to goodness truth is that she willingly gave her children up without a single thought as to how it was going to affect their father.  

And he didn't get a say in it either.  The one thing I learned in family court and I will never forget for the rest of my life is this:  It is not the duty of Department of Human Services to mend a relationship between the father and the child(ren) if the mother so chooses to relinquish her rights.  The relationship between the father and the child(ren) is not the goal of DHS.  It is and always will be most important to mend the bond between the mother and the child(ren).  This is not verbatim so don't quote me.  

This woman gave her children up, willingly, to the State of Iowa.  And not just the two that she shared with my husband.  There was another child involved.  An older child.  And she was willing to let that child go, as well.  There was never a conversation between her and my husband of "I can't do this anymore.  I am giving you the option of taking these children so I can leave."  Nope.  She just wanted them gone.

And I'm not saying that my husband could have been a single parent.  Hell, half the time I can't get him to pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor so.....  What I am saying is that he should have been given the chance to make a living for himself with his kids.  Yes, he got to visit his children.  Supervised and he had to miss work to do it, but he did it.  He did everything that was asked of him so he could see his kids every chance he got.  But no matter what, it wasn't enough.  But of course they didn't tell him that until the last family court date.

I remember that day before court and my husband's attorney said to me "Where have you been?  We have needed you on his side all along."  Sorry dude but if I had been there all along, he would never have been in this predicament because you don't walk away from your kids.  At least that's what I think and how I feel.  If you feel you can not give your child(ren) what they NEED to get through life, you ask for help and then you do what you have to do.  And IF that means you feel you need to walk away from them (coward), at least give the other parent a chance.  Don't take everything away from your child(ren).  

Well now I'm just pissed off at her again.  I bet you're about as glad to be here as I am, huh???

So the moral dilemma I am having right now is this:  What do I say to these kids should they show up on our doorstep someday?  If I am asked, what can I say to these kids that doesn't make me look like a monster and doesn't make her look like an A-hole.  (HEY, I got that turned around a bit, didn't I??? -_-)  I mean, if she was here to defend herself, I could be 100% honest and say "I think she was a mean and selfish person who couldn't put on her big girl panties and do what was needed to keep her child(ren) clean, healthy, and safe... but that's just my opinion."  I wouldn't dare say that now.  She can't defend herself or her actions.  

There's just so much more to this awful story and I don't feel like adding it to this story is going to help.  I realize this isn't about me.  It is about my husband, his ex, and their children.  But some of it is going to fall on me.  I will have to be the gracious step-mom that I never wanted to be.  If you know me, you know that I have never wanted to be a mom.  I have never wanted that responsibility and have stood by my decisions and my reasons.  I often wonder what would have happened if my husband would have gotten his kids back when we got together.  

There probably would have been a rubber wing somewhere dedicated to my memory.

*sigh*

Until next time...thanks for being here and thanks for letting me ramble on.  I am going to close with a "Rest in Peace, lady.  I hope someday it all makes sense and I hope you are truly at peace."