2014/10/19

Is this what an emotional wreck feels like?

I have been trying to put my feelings into words for days.  For weeks.  Maybe even for months.  I figured I may as well try to do it here.  Maybe seeing the words start to come out will make them flow more easily.  I don't know but as usual I'm up for giving it the ole college try.

Back in September, I hosted a "Girls Day In" party and invited about 60 people.  About 20 showed up and we had so many laughs.  My goal was to get us to really dig deep into our souls and think about the things that mean the most to us; whether those things were material or emotional.  The "exercises" that I had for us to do came out of a book called "Soul Pancake" and let me tell you...this book has done so much for me.  I can't even begin to tell you how it changed my way of thinking.  Thinking about myself to thinking about others to thinking about how my reactions really do affect those around me.  This isn't just a book to read.  It's a book of activities that pull from your depths, if you give it a chance.  I recommend it for every person.

Ok...that being said, I guess since that day I have felt such a sense of loss and I can not pinpoint exactly where that feeling is coming from.  And since that day, I have even "unfriended" one of them on Facebook.  But not for reasons that you would think.  I still love this person for every good quality that I did before and I have a special place in my heart for her.  BUT, her walls got too tall for me.  I got tired of climbing before I even started.  Her words were, "You like me for the way I am or you don't need to be in my life."  And her words rang in my heart for so long after that.  Actually, they sometimes still haunt my thoughts.  So I took myself out of the equation.  And when she asked me why, I told her that I see her walls getting higher and higher and she doesn't want to let anyone in and that isn't how my heart works.  That isn't the kind of person I want in my life.  

And maybe that wasn't fair of me.  I don't know.  Maybe I am being too harsh.  Maybe I should have had a "set down" and told her how I felt, before I just cut that tie.  But I didn't.  I did what she said she wants people to do.  Now.....was I trying to teach her a lesson or was I trying to teach myself one?  Because truth be told, I miss her.  I miss the friend that I had before Girls Day In.  Sometimes I think that party did more harm than it did good.  Don't get me wrong.  I heard some things that day that I will remember for the rest of my days, and I still laugh about them to this day.  And maybe what I am feeling is how I think of myself in years past.  I think we all have walls...to some extent.  But for a while, my walls were filled with righteousness and pride and nobody was going to treat me like I didn't want to be treated and nobody was going to tell me that I couldn't do this or couldn't do that.  I think I pushed someone away that, in total honesty, is...or was...going through something just like I did but at a much more extreme level.  So I have asked myself a thousand times.....was it fair for me to just cut her off like that?  

One of these days, she and I are going to have lunch and talk.  I mean really talk.  And I think we will be even better friends after that, than we were to start with.  

Another thing that has held onto my soul and rang in my ears from that day is "If it weren't for Shellie, I wouldn't be here today."  All I could think was "huh?"  I was literally dumbfounded and shocked that anyone would even say that.  I haven't been anything more than a friend.  I haven't done anything spectacular for this gal or her family other than be a friend.  I would love to say that I have done some amazing things for her but I can't.  I mean...what could I possibly have done to have anyone give me credit like that?  I have pondered a million times what it could mean and have come up with nothing.  Did she consider suicide ever?  Did she consider running away?  I quickly follow up with "No way, she wouldn't do that to her girls.  She loves them way too much."  Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to belittle her or anything like that.  I am honestly quite honored that she gives me so much credit.  And in all honesty, if I could do more for her than just be that friend, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I have told Quintin a hundred times (at least), "If we ever win the lottery, we are making sure they are well taken care of!"  But isn't that what any person would say about their friend?

Well, that one comment has made me think differently about people.  All people.  It has made me be a little more compassionate and a little more thoughtful of others.  It has made me work harder to be the person I really want to be.  That person that is buried deep inside and just clawing her way to get to the outside.

We have this new Deputy at work and I will be the first to admit that I was not looking forward to working with him.  He had a reputation (at least we thought he did) for being a real traffic nazi.  In the north part of our county, it seemed he was always on the radio running someone or something.  And I told him straight up that I didn't like him and was not going to go out of my way to get along with him. I figured he should know straight up, right?  I even went as far as going to the Sheriff and telling him what a huge mistake he had made hiring this guy!  Well, it wasn't long before he and I got to work together and got to goofing around and now I think he is a pretty darn cool man.  He is dedicated to his job...and not always on the radio as I had presumed he would be...and is dedicated to his wife.  It is a very refreshing thing to hear a man say his wife is "hot."  He smiles when he talks about her and you can really see how much he loves her.  And I think that is an amazing quality in a person.  He needs to spread a little of that sunshine my husbands way.  Ha!

Anyway, the reason I even mentioned this guy is because I was SO wrong about him.  I wasn't the least bit interested in giving him a chance.  And here I am...saying I was wrong.  SO SO wrong.  And for the record, I have told him (at least twenty times) how big of a mistake I made even thinking that and apologized.  He just laughs at me and tells me to get over it.  I don't ever want to be that person that doesn't give someone a chance.  And the sad thing is that I didn't even think I WAS that person!  That is not the way I was raised.  That is not the way my mom and dad would want me to be or act.

Well, I was able to get a couple things off my chest.  It's nice to do that.  Feels good.  

I have a family member that I love so very much that is in poor health and dying and each day it seems to work on my heart.  I don't know what's worse...losing someone in an instant or knowing ahead of time that you are going to have to say goodbye.  That's how we lost dad and mom.  Dad's death was quick and hurtful (for us) and mom's was drawn out and painful (again, for us).  Saying goodbye is one of the worst things to have to do.  I catch myself every day thinking of things I want to say to this person but can't.  And not because they don't want to know or because I just "can't," but because this person wants to live their life and not be brought down.  I can respect that.  So I'll just keep my thoughts to myself.

So many thoughts and emotions just roll around between my head and my heart and I can't seem to keep them "in check."  I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until I feel like I can't hold my head above water anymore.  If that happens, I hope someone is there with a rope.  Pull me back up please.  At least back to where I can tread some water again.  

Sorry if this was such a downer.  Just needed to talk.  Thanks for being there to listen.  Until next time.....thanks for reading!