So..... I am not sure there is any way to write this blog without making myself sound like a complete A-hole. I almost didn't write the blog. It bothered me enough the past two days that well...here I am, right??? Won't be the first time I've been an A-hole and I suppose it won't be the last. Unless I stop breathing in the next 30 seconds.....
Before I go into the "why's" of it all, here's where I am sitting mentally: Because she has passed away, I feel that, given the chance later in life, I won't be able to be completely honest about how I feel about this particular person. Because she's dead you see. And it's isn't nice to talk bad about the dead. I figure I have a few years to work this out but for right now, it gets me "right there!"
My husband's ex-girlfriend has died unexpectedly and you might be thinking "How the hell does this affect you?" Well, here's the deal. My husband and his ex-girlfriend had two children together and they lost their children to the State. I met my husband during the latter half of the battle that he eventually lost, to get his kids back. This was literally the worst time of his life. Apparently I was brought into his life for a reason and I believe that reason was to show him that life can go on; that if you live your life right and do the right things, your past could come back to greet you in a good way.
It has taken many years for my husband to deal with this loss and it hasn't always been easy dealing with the ex. For him, not me.
I have never had to deal with her.
I have never had to speak to her.
I have never had any kind of contact with her. (Except for that one time...at Walmart. And it was just a snide remark. Okay, I may not have been very nice)
I will say that the two of them made communication work for them when it was necessary. Information and picture exchanges about and for the kids went smoothly. Anytime one needed something from the other, it just worked out. Well...after I came along it did anyway. I can't vouch for much before I came into the picture.
I have always told my husband that he needs to get his sh!t straight and keep it straight because there is a good chance that the future holds another day for him to meet up and get to know his kids. We have stored some things of theirs from when they were babies, we have photo albums waiting for them, and we put a little money away for them several times a year; just in case they might need it. Every Christmas, I buy a Christmas tree ornament for each one of them and put their name on it and hang it on the tree (when I choose to put a tree up).
One thing I have always wondered is what "she" would tell those kids about their dad and about the way things "went down." I have always wondered if she would make him out to be the devil or if she would have sense enough to give him some credit. Because credit is certainly due him. And I'm not saying that credit isn't due her as well but the honest to goodness truth is that she willingly gave her children up without a single thought as to how it was going to affect their father.
And he didn't get a say in it either. The one thing I learned in family court and I will never forget for the rest of my life is this: It is not the duty of Department of Human Services to mend a relationship between the father and the child(ren) if the mother so chooses to relinquish her rights. The relationship between the father and the child(ren) is not the goal of DHS. It is and always will be most important to mend the bond between the mother and the child(ren). This is not verbatim so don't quote me.
This woman gave her children up, willingly, to the State of Iowa. And not just the two that she shared with my husband. There was another child involved. An older child. And she was willing to let that child go, as well. There was never a conversation between her and my husband of "I can't do this anymore. I am giving you the option of taking these children so I can leave." Nope. She just wanted them gone.
And I'm not saying that my husband could have been a single parent. Hell, half the time I can't get him to pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor so..... What I am saying is that he should have been given the chance to make a living for himself with his kids. Yes, he got to visit his children. Supervised and he had to miss work to do it, but he did it. He did everything that was asked of him so he could see his kids every chance he got. But no matter what, it wasn't enough. But of course they didn't tell him that until the last family court date.
I remember that day before court and my husband's attorney said to me "Where have you been? We have needed you on his side all along." Sorry dude but if I had been there all along, he would never have been in this predicament because you don't walk away from your kids. At least that's what I think and how I feel. If you feel you can not give your child(ren) what they NEED to get through life, you ask for help and then you do what you have to do. And IF that means you feel you need to walk away from them (coward), at least give the other parent a chance. Don't take everything away from your child(ren).
Well now I'm just pissed off at her again. I bet you're about as glad to be here as I am, huh???
So the moral dilemma I am having right now is this: What do I say to these kids should they show up on our doorstep someday? If I am asked, what can I say to these kids that doesn't make me look like a monster and doesn't make her look like an A-hole. (HEY, I got that turned around a bit, didn't I??? -_-) I mean, if she was here to defend herself, I could be 100% honest and say "I think she was a mean and selfish person who couldn't put on her big girl panties and do what was needed to keep her child(ren) clean, healthy, and safe... but that's just my opinion." I wouldn't dare say that now. She can't defend herself or her actions.
There's just so much more to this awful story and I don't feel like adding it to this story is going to help. I realize this isn't about me. It is about my husband, his ex, and their children. But some of it is going to fall on me. I will have to be the gracious step-mom that I never wanted to be. If you know me, you know that I have never wanted to be a mom. I have never wanted that responsibility and have stood by my decisions and my reasons. I often wonder what would have happened if my husband would have gotten his kids back when we got together.
There probably would have been a rubber wing somewhere dedicated to my memory.
*sigh*
Until next time...thanks for being here and thanks for letting me ramble on. I am going to close with a "Rest in Peace, lady. I hope someday it all makes sense and I hope you are truly at peace."
2015/09/17
2015/08/29
Watch Yourself
Well...........I am a royal ass. Plain and simple. There is no way around it. But hey, at least I can admit it, right?
I read something the other day about how you can tell a woman all day long how beautiful she is; how smart she is; how she really has this whole "life-thing" figured out; And her self-esteem will explode within her, giving her a shine like she's never felt before. And I believe this to be 150% true. And you can tell the same gal the same stuff over and over for days and she will smile, maybe say thanks but probably something along the lines of "yeah right." Some women have an awful time taking compliments.
I know because I am one of them. And I don't know why because I have so many people in my life that build me up.
In this article though, they went on to say how you can build this woman up with words and one person can come along and say one thing negative and that is what she is going to concentrate on. That one dark, unimportant piece of venom. And there goes her shine. She has forgotten all that beautiful, wonderful, amazing stuff that you had been telling her all day; all week. In the blink of an eye, that woman can't get past the bad.
WHY???
It seems lately that someone is always congratulating me on my weight loss and my reply is, almost every time, "I'm getting there." Not "Thanks! It hasn't been easy....yada yada *happy face* *smiles*...yada yada it's really been worth the effort." Nope, I most often greet it with something condescending to myself and in a downward spiral.
I have an awesome friend that is constantly telling me how good I look; how cute I am dressed or she likes the way my hair looks on that day and I am consistent with replies such as "It would be better if I had done my hair this way," or "I hate this shirt." Again, there is no "Thanks chic!" ALTHOUGH, I will say that I always reply with something about how good she looks or I love her outfit that day because well........she's hotter than a bag of jalapeno peppers, in my opinion.
One night one of my deputies and I were talking on the phone and I said something like "Thanks, I appreciate that." We were talking about some information that he had given me. He follows that up with "And hey, I appreciate you." Now kids.....what is the correct reply to this? Say it with me... "Thank you!" Easy for me to put here but not so easy when it's being said to me. MY reply was "What do you want?" He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want anything except to tell me that he really does appreciate me and he wanted me to know. That was months ago and I hold it close to my heart. It meant so much to me to hear it.
As a general rule, I think we should ALL tell at least one person a day that we appreciate them.
Now, here is where "being a girl" seems to mess this whole thing up for me.
Let me first start off by saying that my night deputies aren't like family to me. They are more than family to me. I would do anything for them, their wives, their kids. They would be the first ones I would call if I ever felt threatened, scared, or sad. For any reason. They are the ones that get to see me at my best and at my worst. And they also get to see my best go to worst in a matter of minutes. And I get to see them at their best and worst as well. It isn't always pretty.
So recently, someone had the audacity to say some things to me that weren't really mean or bad, okay, they were mean...and I guess bad... but I truly believe they were...are...trying to sabotage my friendships with these guys. Out of all the things said to me, one sentence has stuck in my head. ONE SENTENCE. "You are a good dispatcher but you are DELUSIONAL if you think those boys are your friends." There were other things that led up to this one particular sentence and things that followed and the more I seemed to fight this person with words, the more venom they had to spew. Venom wrapped up in a prettier package of course. They were very articulate in how they chose their words and it didn't take long for me to just sit back and listen to everything they had to say. I have taken many days to sort it all out and the same questions resurface each and every time.
WHY do we (and I think girls are more apt to do this than boys) have such a hard time taking compliments over and over but accept the negative seed so quickly, and let it take bloom?
WHY couldn't I just focus on the "You are a good dispatcher" part of the sentence and throw the rest out with the trash?
WHY do people say things to people to get them to see things that aren't really there?
WHY would a person feel the need to sabotage someone else's friendship, for any reason?
WHY do people want to tear other people down?
Why the hell would I believe anything remotely close to this when these deputies have done NOTHING BUT be my friends. They probably know me better than some of my siblings. They have proven over and over, without a doubt, that they appreciate me. I know this to be fact. But then that little seed got dropped in the dirt and there it went...
And the thing that makes this even funnier (not funnier haha but funnier hmmm) is that the person that tried...or is trying, I haven't decided yet... to rip two very important people from my life...has always had a place in my life. Well tonight I was rude; I was mean; And I shut out one of those important people when I should have said "Look, we need to talk." I was mad at myself for letting this BS get to me and in the process, pushed away my friend; my favorite deputy of all time; my "go to;" my BFF!!! And guess what happened. He treated me just exactly the way I had treated him. And I didn't like that at all. (Lesson learned, I hope!) That's when I knew I had to talk to him.
And guess what folks....sit down because you aren't going to believe this but.....there is someone else on this earth that is more stubborn than me. I know. I know it's hard to believe but yep, he's out there. Don't screw with him. That is your warning.
He didn't want to hear it. He was so mad at me for turning on him the way that I did, that he did not want to talk to me. Even when I HAD to call him, he didn't want to answer me; but he did. So I waited a while.
Now, the good thing about being a dispatcher is that he has to answer my phone calls. Granted, he could have just as easily hung up on me when he heard what I wanted to say to him but luckily for me, he didn't. I told him I wanted him to just hear me out because if he had went home and I didn't get to say I was sorry, I would have spent the night vomiting. So...I made my apologies. I explained all I was willing to explain and I told him that although I can't promise this stupidity will never happen again, I will do my best for it not to.
And I thank my lucky stars that he listened. And I thank God that it was worked out. And I pray that I will NEVER let anything like that happen ever again.
Would it be mean to say that I hate people right now? Not all people. Just those that feel the need to interfere for no apparent reason than to fill up their day.
Okay, I feel better. I still have my friend and I got this off my chest. Life is good.
I read something the other day about how you can tell a woman all day long how beautiful she is; how smart she is; how she really has this whole "life-thing" figured out; And her self-esteem will explode within her, giving her a shine like she's never felt before. And I believe this to be 150% true. And you can tell the same gal the same stuff over and over for days and she will smile, maybe say thanks but probably something along the lines of "yeah right." Some women have an awful time taking compliments.
I know because I am one of them. And I don't know why because I have so many people in my life that build me up.
In this article though, they went on to say how you can build this woman up with words and one person can come along and say one thing negative and that is what she is going to concentrate on. That one dark, unimportant piece of venom. And there goes her shine. She has forgotten all that beautiful, wonderful, amazing stuff that you had been telling her all day; all week. In the blink of an eye, that woman can't get past the bad.
WHY???
It seems lately that someone is always congratulating me on my weight loss and my reply is, almost every time, "I'm getting there." Not "Thanks! It hasn't been easy....yada yada *happy face* *smiles*...yada yada it's really been worth the effort." Nope, I most often greet it with something condescending to myself and in a downward spiral.
I have an awesome friend that is constantly telling me how good I look; how cute I am dressed or she likes the way my hair looks on that day and I am consistent with replies such as "It would be better if I had done my hair this way," or "I hate this shirt." Again, there is no "Thanks chic!" ALTHOUGH, I will say that I always reply with something about how good she looks or I love her outfit that day because well........she's hotter than a bag of jalapeno peppers, in my opinion.
One night one of my deputies and I were talking on the phone and I said something like "Thanks, I appreciate that." We were talking about some information that he had given me. He follows that up with "And hey, I appreciate you." Now kids.....what is the correct reply to this? Say it with me... "Thank you!" Easy for me to put here but not so easy when it's being said to me. MY reply was "What do you want?" He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want anything except to tell me that he really does appreciate me and he wanted me to know. That was months ago and I hold it close to my heart. It meant so much to me to hear it.
As a general rule, I think we should ALL tell at least one person a day that we appreciate them.
Now, here is where "being a girl" seems to mess this whole thing up for me.
Let me first start off by saying that my night deputies aren't like family to me. They are more than family to me. I would do anything for them, their wives, their kids. They would be the first ones I would call if I ever felt threatened, scared, or sad. For any reason. They are the ones that get to see me at my best and at my worst. And they also get to see my best go to worst in a matter of minutes. And I get to see them at their best and worst as well. It isn't always pretty.
So recently, someone had the audacity to say some things to me that weren't really mean or bad, okay, they were mean...and I guess bad... but I truly believe they were...are...trying to sabotage my friendships with these guys. Out of all the things said to me, one sentence has stuck in my head. ONE SENTENCE. "You are a good dispatcher but you are DELUSIONAL if you think those boys are your friends." There were other things that led up to this one particular sentence and things that followed and the more I seemed to fight this person with words, the more venom they had to spew. Venom wrapped up in a prettier package of course. They were very articulate in how they chose their words and it didn't take long for me to just sit back and listen to everything they had to say. I have taken many days to sort it all out and the same questions resurface each and every time.
WHY do we (and I think girls are more apt to do this than boys) have such a hard time taking compliments over and over but accept the negative seed so quickly, and let it take bloom?
WHY couldn't I just focus on the "You are a good dispatcher" part of the sentence and throw the rest out with the trash?
WHY do people say things to people to get them to see things that aren't really there?
WHY would a person feel the need to sabotage someone else's friendship, for any reason?
WHY do people want to tear other people down?
Why the hell would I believe anything remotely close to this when these deputies have done NOTHING BUT be my friends. They probably know me better than some of my siblings. They have proven over and over, without a doubt, that they appreciate me. I know this to be fact. But then that little seed got dropped in the dirt and there it went...
And the thing that makes this even funnier (not funnier haha but funnier hmmm) is that the person that tried...or is trying, I haven't decided yet... to rip two very important people from my life...has always had a place in my life. Well tonight I was rude; I was mean; And I shut out one of those important people when I should have said "Look, we need to talk." I was mad at myself for letting this BS get to me and in the process, pushed away my friend; my favorite deputy of all time; my "go to;" my BFF!!! And guess what happened. He treated me just exactly the way I had treated him. And I didn't like that at all. (Lesson learned, I hope!) That's when I knew I had to talk to him.
And guess what folks....sit down because you aren't going to believe this but.....there is someone else on this earth that is more stubborn than me. I know. I know it's hard to believe but yep, he's out there. Don't screw with him. That is your warning.
He didn't want to hear it. He was so mad at me for turning on him the way that I did, that he did not want to talk to me. Even when I HAD to call him, he didn't want to answer me; but he did. So I waited a while.
Now, the good thing about being a dispatcher is that he has to answer my phone calls. Granted, he could have just as easily hung up on me when he heard what I wanted to say to him but luckily for me, he didn't. I told him I wanted him to just hear me out because if he had went home and I didn't get to say I was sorry, I would have spent the night vomiting. So...I made my apologies. I explained all I was willing to explain and I told him that although I can't promise this stupidity will never happen again, I will do my best for it not to.
And I thank my lucky stars that he listened. And I thank God that it was worked out. And I pray that I will NEVER let anything like that happen ever again.
Would it be mean to say that I hate people right now? Not all people. Just those that feel the need to interfere for no apparent reason than to fill up their day.
Okay, I feel better. I still have my friend and I got this off my chest. Life is good.
2015/07/16
Protecting the blue line
I don't have to do this but I am going to anyway...
For those of you that think my tattoos are ridiculous, maybe you should first take the time to understand them. If, after reading what I have to say about them, you still think I'm ridiculous, well then you can go on your merry way. I do not care. If, after reading this, you still can't understand why I proudly display my love and my commitment to the blue line and "my guys," at least I know I tried. I have done my part. Ignorance is yours to keep.
On my right arm I have the phrase "Lord, protect my heroes"
We all have our versions of "heroes," and mine just happen to be in law enforcement. That isn't to say that I don't value our military, our teachers, EMS, firefighters...I could go on all day. I value many, many people but obviously law enforcement is what I know and what I do so it should be apparent to most anyone that has known me for ten minutes or more, why I have a prayer to protect those that I hold in my heart, as heroes. If I had a dollar for every time I think "Lord, protect my heroes," I could retire in style and probably retire you as well. It is THAT constant in my heart and in my mind.
On my left arm I have three badges
The first badge represents Taylor County. The county where I grew up. The county that is and always will be home to me. The county where my dad and my brother were both the county Sheriff at one time and currently I have the honor of my nephew being the Sheriff and another nephew a Deputy Sheriff. I have a sister that has been the civil clerk for the county for many years and for those that don't know, we grew up in the jail house in Bedford so law enforcement is really and truly what is in my heart. Every family has a legacy and I am proud that we help represent the blue line.
I would also like to mention that over the years, I have met some pretty wonderful men and women of law enforcement; from dispatchers to deputies to reserves to troopers, and my life wouldn't be the same without any of them. I have many, many friends from the Taylor County area that I am proud to call my colleagues, as well as family; even if they aren't blood. Many from my childhood have passed but that doesn't keep me from holding them close to my heart and reliving such wonderful memories of days gone by. These people protected me on a daily basis. From the dispatchers to the deputies to the reserves to the troopers. And to this day, when I visit the Sheriff's Office there, every person makes me feel like I am back at home.
Every one of these officers...from day one until the day I die, will be "my guys."
The third badge represents Adair County. The county where I got my official "start" in the business. I tried and tried to rebel against the idea of getting into this business but I couldn't stay away. I have to be honest with you when I say that I have made the best friends of my life in this career and in this county. Some I couldn't imagine not having in my life. I wouldn't want to change where I am right now for anything in the world. Adair County is where my dad grew up so living here is another blessing for me. I will always have a part of my dad with me so it's nice to think that I brought a part of him back to his home area.
Again I will add...every officer that I get the honor of working with are, and always will be, "my guys."
I did not skip number two. This one is in the middle of the two county badges, I held back on this one for a particular reason. Number two is a memorial shield. As you can see in the picture, it has a memorial band across it and it is to show my love and gratitude for all fallen officers. Not just in my area but in the world. When Kerrie Orozco was killed in the line of duty in Omaha, Nebraska, I was devastated. Although I did not know Kerrie, her death was very hard on me.
Her death made me want to protect "my guys" even more than ever. Her death forced me to be a better dispatcher. Her death opened my eyes to so many areas of the job that she did and the job that "my guys" do every day.
My shield also represents my friend, Tyler. The young man that had the bravery of a thousand cops. The wise soul that held the hearts of thousands of people. The one that hurts my heart so much to think about him not being on this earth anymore. My shield honors him because even from a bed inside a great big hospital, he did all he could to protect and serve. He lived to do it. He always wanted to protect those that he loved; doing whatever he had to in order to get it done. And he served. He served God. He brought so much love and kindness to this world...to others. He brought people together. He had a way of making people know that God was always there whenever they needed him. There is no greater service than the service of God and this kid really knew what he was doing.
So I will just mention again how Tyler...and even Kerrie...will always be "my guys." Notches etched in my heart...lumps in my throat so big that sometimes I feel it is easier to throw up than try to swallow them down...EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THEM AND THEIR BRAVERY.
If by chance, you are one of "my guys" and you are reading this.....Thank You. Through my tears and from my heart, please know that you are held in the highest esteem and, well.....
For those of you that think my tattoos are ridiculous, maybe you should first take the time to understand them. If, after reading what I have to say about them, you still think I'm ridiculous, well then you can go on your merry way. I do not care. If, after reading this, you still can't understand why I proudly display my love and my commitment to the blue line and "my guys," at least I know I tried. I have done my part. Ignorance is yours to keep.
On my right arm I have the phrase "Lord, protect my heroes"
We all have our versions of "heroes," and mine just happen to be in law enforcement. That isn't to say that I don't value our military, our teachers, EMS, firefighters...I could go on all day. I value many, many people but obviously law enforcement is what I know and what I do so it should be apparent to most anyone that has known me for ten minutes or more, why I have a prayer to protect those that I hold in my heart, as heroes. If I had a dollar for every time I think "Lord, protect my heroes," I could retire in style and probably retire you as well. It is THAT constant in my heart and in my mind.On my left arm I have three badges
I would also like to mention that over the years, I have met some pretty wonderful men and women of law enforcement; from dispatchers to deputies to reserves to troopers, and my life wouldn't be the same without any of them. I have many, many friends from the Taylor County area that I am proud to call my colleagues, as well as family; even if they aren't blood. Many from my childhood have passed but that doesn't keep me from holding them close to my heart and reliving such wonderful memories of days gone by. These people protected me on a daily basis. From the dispatchers to the deputies to the reserves to the troopers. And to this day, when I visit the Sheriff's Office there, every person makes me feel like I am back at home.Every one of these officers...from day one until the day I die, will be "my guys."
Again I will add...every officer that I get the honor of working with are, and always will be, "my guys."
I did not skip number two. This one is in the middle of the two county badges, I held back on this one for a particular reason. Number two is a memorial shield. As you can see in the picture, it has a memorial band across it and it is to show my love and gratitude for all fallen officers. Not just in my area but in the world. When Kerrie Orozco was killed in the line of duty in Omaha, Nebraska, I was devastated. Although I did not know Kerrie, her death was very hard on me.
My shield also represents my friend, Tyler. The young man that had the bravery of a thousand cops. The wise soul that held the hearts of thousands of people. The one that hurts my heart so much to think about him not being on this earth anymore. My shield honors him because even from a bed inside a great big hospital, he did all he could to protect and serve. He lived to do it. He always wanted to protect those that he loved; doing whatever he had to in order to get it done. And he served. He served God. He brought so much love and kindness to this world...to others. He brought people together. He had a way of making people know that God was always there whenever they needed him. There is no greater service than the service of God and this kid really knew what he was doing.
So I will just mention again how Tyler...and even Kerrie...will always be "my guys." Notches etched in my heart...lumps in my throat so big that sometimes I feel it is easier to throw up than try to swallow them down...EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THEM AND THEIR BRAVERY.
If by chance, you are one of "my guys" and you are reading this.....Thank You. Through my tears and from my heart, please know that you are held in the highest esteem and, well.....
YOU ARE MY HERO
2015/07/14
Tribute to Tyler
I hope that every one of you has met at least one person in your life that has changed and challenged the way you think, the way you feel, the way you respond. I hope that every one of you has met at least one person in your life that has believed in you, pushed you, and broadened your horizons.
I have had the honor and the pleasure of having one person be all of the above for me and his name is Tyler James Cross. Some of you may know him and some of you may not but I think everyone should meet someone in their life that is just exactly like Tyler.
The other day when we were at the hospital spending time with Ty and the family, someone had left a book there and people were writing in it. The book was "What Tyler has taught me." If you know me, you know that I couldn't wait to get my hands on that book and let some emotion seep out. But since that day and since I wrote in that book, I have not been able to "let go" of the book; at least in my head. I know what I wrote and I meant every word of what I wrote in that book. And what I wrote stays between me, Tyler and the family. Just like what everyone else wrote in the book. It is personal. I didn't read anything that anybody else wrote. I just wanted to write down my special message and be happy that I was able to "tell" him.
But when I say that I haven't been able to "let go" of that book, I mean that I find myself thinking about all the things that I have talked about with Tyler through the years. All the things we have starting joking around about and ended up in a deep, meaningful conversation. It didn't take much with Tyler. He was a pretty deep kid.
Almost 18 years old and he is literally sketched into my heart pretty deep. I know that I will never meet another like him. Tyler always, always looked for the good in everybody. When I would be frustrated with someone, he would always find a way to make me think about things from that person's point of view. He would, without even trying, put me in that person's shoes and have me try to see what they are seeing. He would try (and I say try because sometimes Ty thought I was a little stubborn) to not necessarily say I was wrong in how I felt but help me understand that others are seeing what I'm seeing, in a whole different light.
Ty loved to joke around. Ty loved to scare me. When I used to work for one of his nursing companies, and I would be cleaning his room, he loved to leave a rubber snake or a plastic bug laying around where I would least expect to find it. Not that I am afraid of snakes but when you come across one and you're not expecting it to be there, it takes you back! Thank God he never got me with a spider!
Tyler and his brother Justin (who passed away in 2007 at the age of 22) were both born with one of the most debilitating conditions a person can imagine. Epidermolysis Bullosa (ep-ih-dur-MOL-uh-sis Buhl-LOE-sah). I have to be honest with you, even with that pronunciation there, I still can't say it. It is referred to as EB and it is known as the worst disease you've never heard of. Children with this disease are known as butterfly children because their skin is as fragile as the wings of a butterfly.
Here is just a little information about EB that I got online from the Mayo Clinic. There is so much more to learn about this awful disease though.
"EB is a group of rare diseases that cause the skin to blister. The blisters may appear in response to minor injury, heat, or friction from rubbing, scratching or adhesive tape. In severe cases, the blisters may occur inside the body, such as the lining of the mouth or intestines. Most types of EB are inherited. The condition usually shows up in infancy or early childhood. Some people don't develop signs and symptoms until adolescence or early adulthood. EB has no cure, though mild forms may improve with age. Treatment focuses on addressing the symptoms-such as infection and itching-and preventing pain and wounds. Severe forms may cause serious complications and can be fatal. EB is usually inherited. Researchers have identified more than a dozen genes involved with skin formation that, if defective, may cause a type of EB. The skin is made up of an outer layer (epidermis) and an underlying layer (dermis). The area where the layers meet is called the basement membrane zone. The type of EB you have is defined by where in these layers the blisters form." --The Mayo Clinic
I have been staring at Facebook for the past 24 hours and now on the television. Tyler has left this world and is finally free of all his pain. He can run with his brother and his friends and he no longer has any limitations. He is in Heaven and I can easily see in my mind, how big his smile is. And as happy as I am for him to be "home," that selfish part pokes me in the ribs.
I can not get in my head that I won't see Ty again. I can not get in my head that I will never hear him say "Where is your redneck husband?" again. I won't see him smile again. I guess it's harder to grasp when it is someone so young. I don't know. I have only known Ty for about seven years but he was a huge part of me for these seven years. He was always hanging around in the back of my mind... helping me rethink things and giving me that extra push that I needed.
Thank you Tyler, for so many smiles, so many laughs, so many tears, so many memories. Thank you for being the friend that you were; always making me feel like I was part of your family, part of your life, part of your heart. I will always and forever hold you in my heart and treasure every memory I have of you.
Thank you for introducing me to people that I otherwise wouldn't known. Not so long ago, we were at the hospital visiting Ty and this guy walks in and you could instantly see the friendship between this guy and Ty. I just sat back and let them have their fun; their conversation. Then Ty says to me, "Shellie, this is Matthew Morgan. He is The Dark Knight." If you know me at all, you know that I couldn't believe my ears. I'm pretty sure I was stunned and in awe at the same time. There I was in the same room with the guy that plays one of my most favorite superheroes of all time. TDK (or you might know him as Batman in some circles)!!!!! I will be at the Comicon this November. I can't wait. So yeah...Ty has the best circle of friends!
I saw this picture the other day and it kinda just says it for me, so I will end with it. Tyler, I love you and I miss you and someday we will see each other again. Until then, the rest of us will be down here fighting the fight. Oh yeah...and I will help keep your mom busy...keep giving your dad a lot of grief...and I will always treasure Miss Mackenzie and Beth.
2015/06/01
The informational greed is out of hand
Where do I begin?
I honestly don't even know.
This subject is so sensitive...
Not just to me but to most of my family, my colleagues, and my friends.
All for different reasons.
This could take weeks to write.
Hell, it could take weeks to read.
I guess I need to start off with a little disclaimer that some of you may get pissy reading this and some of you may take offense. Upfront: I don't care. This is my blog, my opinion, and my word.
A child has died.
A three year old child has died.
This is the latest news in my hometown and it saddens me so much. I mean it saddens me till I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it.
But there are other things about it that make me just as sick. It's the general public. It is the people that "know" the facts.
It is the people that are so quick to make a judgement call on anyone involved and they just can't wait to get on social media and comment away about how good a person is or how bad a person is.
It is the people that love to point out what the police and the investigators "should" be doing. Those that "know better" than all the rest because they have interacted with the deceased...or the accused.
Those arm-chair quarterbacks that know the law better than anyone else.
Basically, the ones that can't stop talking about it and let the authorities do their jobs, make me the sickest.
I would like to give a huge shout out to the Taylor County Sheriff's Office and the Department of Criminal Investigation. For such a high profile case, they have remained tight-lipped about the details of this case; as they should. But come on, we all know how small towns are! People LOVE to talk about people. It's human nature. It's what we do.
Just for a second, I would like you to put yourself in the following situation (DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE SITUATIONS ARE FACTS INVOLVED WITH THE ACTUAL CASE. THIS IS ME THINKING OUT LOUD):
You and your ex have a child together and the ex moves away. They move far enough away that, in order for you to get to your child in any sort of emergency, you have to drive several hours. Now... your child is away for a week, visiting their parent and you are sitting at home, just "chilling" and you open up Facebook or your Twitter, to see that your ex...the parent of your child...has been arrested. Not only have they been arrested...but they have been arrested on charges of endangering a child. And then you find out that it is your child.
Tell me you aren't going to be upset.
Tell me your world didn't just turn upside-down.
Tell me that you aren't going to want to inflict some serious pain on that other parent.
Tell me all one hundred thousand thoughts going through your head at that very moment.
Now...tell me what you are going to do when you find out that your child is dead.
Tell me exactly how you are going to handle that moment; right then; right there.
Tell me how you are going to wait until a police officer gets to your door to give you this awful, awful news. News that has already shaken you to your core.
Tell me how you are going to drive so many hours away to get to your baby. To do whatever it takes to make sure this is all a big mistake.
Tell me how you feel about learning your child is dead through social media.
You can't tell me because you don't know. You might think you know but you don't.
I hope this never happens to you.
Now...I would like to walk you through another situation and again: THIS IS ME THINKING OUT LOUD. NONE OF THESE ARE FACTS INVOLVED WITH THE ACTUAL CASE:
You are a cop and you get called to a medical call in your small town. There is an unresponsive child. Immediately, your heart hurts and your mind drifts to your own children at home. The ones that can't wait for you to come home to them every night. You start to say your prayers for this child. It is just natural. You can't stop it. "Please God, let this child wake up. Let this be a mistake."
Sadly, the child does not survive. And now the investigations begin. Your whole department working on this day and night. State investigations called in to assist. Arrests are made and the more information you learn, the sicker you get to your stomach; the angrier you get at the situation; the more frustrated you get because you want this case resolved. You want it resolved now. Not for you though. For that poor child that has lost their life.
Your shift is over and you go home. Your kids are playing and so happy to see you walk in the door. And all you can do is hug them. And maybe even shed some tears. You never want to let them go. A thousand thoughts going through your head. How? Why? What in the hell!!!???!!! Endless hours laying awake, thinking everything through. Horrifying images flash through your head. Endless hours trying to find even an ounce of sense in this stupid, stupid situation.
To get your mind off of it...hoping for some light-heartedness from society...you log into your Facebook or your Twitter and everyone is talking about this poor child that has lost their life. And you can't just walk away from it. No, you start to read comments and posts to see what people have to say. Honestly, it is human nature for a cop to keep reading because they have that tiny, tiny glimmer of hope that a sliver of evidence will get posted.
You have the people that publicly ask for prayers for this child; for this family; They ask their friends...their prayer warriors...to get down on both knees and beg God for some answers for this child.
And then you have the people that "knew" the family. The ones that "knew" the deceased. They "knew" that this was a good family and there could be no way that this child could have been harmed by this person. They saw this child recently and the child was fine. Kids fall. Kids have accidents. Kids get hurt. It's human nature. These people can't wait to defend what they "know" simply because they "know" it.
And then there are the above people's counterparts. The ones that just knew they were bad people. They are quick to say that things like this "probably" have happened all along. That things like this were "probably" a normalcy for this child. These people can't wait to spew their venom; poisoning the minds of anybody willing to read what they have to post. These are the ones that don't wait for facts. They don't wait for you to do your job as a police officer...as an investigator...as an officer of the law because they live their lives on the "what ifs" and the "probablys."
And then you have that small group of people that are IMMEDIATE to point out what the police are not doing. They are the really venomous ones. The dangerous ones. They are the ones that read one sentence and twist it around to make themselves look like they know more than anyone else. They turn the words around to make it look like they had inside information on something they truly know nothing about. You realize this is really the "deadliest" of the groups.
Or is it?
Because there is one more group of people that just make you shake your head and wonder how the hell these people not only are a part of your social media, but how are they even a part of your life? The group that goes out of their way to stand up for your job. They stand tall, above all the rest, defending you and your colleagues. Their chests puffed out. They can't wait to boast to the world that not only are you doing your job to the best of your ability (and you are), but you are doing it day and night. You aren't taking time to eat. You aren't taking time to sleep. You are missing out on time with your own family because of this case. All false, of course.
While your every waking moment is spent dealing with this case both physically and mentally...and every other case that comes across your desk each and every day, you are human. You have to have nourishment and you have to have sleep and you have to have time with those you love. Because if you didn't...you would have failed at your job a long time ago.
Now...how do you feel about your groups of friends now?
Kinda makes you want to shut them all out completely, doesn't it?
How does it make you feel to know that most everyone you come into contact with on a daily basis, is on the edge of their seat to give the most updated version of the story?
How badly does it make you want to go out to a local restaurant or to a ballgame, with these very people that want to suck information out of you?
How badly do you want to socialize now?
These are your friends.
I have had to go back over this several times already and I am so afraid I am going to lose focus, so I better get to the point.
SHUT UP. SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTHS ABOUT THE WHOLE DEAL. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS CHILD CAME TO IT'S END. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR THE DETAILS THAT ARE TIED TO THIS CASE.
UNLESS YOU ARE THAT POOR BABY'S MOMMA, JUST SHUT UP.
UNLESS YOU ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO THIS CASE, I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ONE GOOD REASON WHY YOU ARE ENTITLED TO KNOW ONE DAMN THING ABOUT THIS CASE.
Now, I am not saying that this incident and this child should be forgotten. No way, no how. But instead of pointing fingers and twisting the facts, we all need to be pulling together and begging for Mercy for this poor little child. The headlines should read "Town In Mourning." Every one of us should take a step back and let the authorities do their jobs. This is not something that is going to be resolved overnight.
I shared two posts from an area radio station about this case. And I stated my opinion that the charges were definitely not steep enough. I didn't do that because I think the police have time to troll my Facebook page to see what my opinion is. I didn't do it because I think the police give one damn about what I have to say about it.
I did it because I am sad for a little three year old child that has died. I did it because I am sad for her and for her momma, as well as for my hometown.
And I would like to add that most of the comments on the tv station websites, and the radio station websites, are stupid at best. Keep your comments to yourself. If it was your child, you would want the world to butt out. Your opinions about this family and this child mean nothing. If you don't have solid fact to lay down then keep moving. And if you do have solid fact, I suggest you get to the authorities.
Here are just a few comments that I have found while roaming around on the internet and it just goes to show that people are ignorant and callous. People can't wait to hear themselves talk. The world is a scary place but when you have all these people with opinion-turned-fact to back them up, it makes me want to go running and screaming in the other direction. But then I realize that as long as I have those people, I have job security because it really is just a vicious cycle.
"The baby was in the bath."
(WRONG)
"Ok, so they are now telling us here in Bedford that the poor babies cause of death was drowning." (WRONG. I DON'T KNOW WHO "THEY" ARE BUT "THEY" ARE WRONG)
"Lazy parents like this would use a microwave not the stove so I'm sure it was a punishment. Too bad someone didn't see the signs sooner so that she could have been saved." (WOW. JUDGE MUCH? WHERE IN ANY INFORMATION YOU HAVE READ, DID IT SAY THIS PERSON WAS LAZY? I HAVE LAZY DAYS AND STILL USE MY STOVE. UNBELIEVABLE, I KNOW)
"What is wrong with these single mom's who feel the need to put their personal interests ahead of the safety of their children. She needs to be charged with something but in 18 months or so she will be pregnant again." (THE CHILD WAS IN THE CUSTODY OF HER FATHER, NOT HER MOTHER. READ THE FACTS. AGAIN, JUDGE MUCH? I COULD JUDGE YOU JUST FOR YOUR IDIOTIC POST. BUT I WON'T)
"I couldn't agree more. I couldn't imagine hurting my child. I can't say stories like this shock my anymore but I understand what you mean." (IT'S A SAD WORLD WE LIVE IN WHEN WE AREN'T SURPRISED BY CHILD ABUSE. I AM COMPLETELY SHOCKED BECAUSE I TEND TO GIVE EVERYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. WHAT AM I THINKING?)
I read where one person stated that we should just "get rid of the Amber Alert System" (NOT SURE WHEY THIS CAME UP OR HOW IT WAS RELEVANT) "because it's overly abused." (YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? IF IT WAS YOUR KID, WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO JUST NOT TELL ANYONE???)
And as I was typing this, an Amber Alert comes through. Maybe that person above, that wants to get rid of the system would like to call up the mommy and daddy of two year old Rheea Lee Ann Day and four year old Reed Landon Day, and tell them that their child doesn't matter. Maybe they would like to explain to these parents how they are overly abusing this system "simply" because their children are missing. (YOU SIR OR MADAM, ARE A FLAMING IDIOT!)
Before I close, I want to give another shout out to the Taylor County Sheriff's Department and the Department of Criminal Investigation. Keep doing what you're doing because you're doing it well! I am so proud to be even a tiny link in your chain. With that being said, if you would like to challenge my opinion of these entities, I would be glad to spar. If you have known me for five minutes, you know that not only is law enforcement my life, and Taylor County a part of my soul, but I would fight to the death in their honor.
Stop and think one more time.
Cops are human.
They don't desensitize when they go to work.
They don't just stop feeling things when tragedy strikes.
They just get better at hiding their pain and their fear.
They just find new ways to cope.
Just like you do when you lose people in your life or when you have to deal with some really crappy situations.
We're all human. We all WANT to know things. But the confusion is that we mix up the words WANT and NEED. We think we need to know details of everything and everyone around us, when it is truly just the want to know. Informational greed is all it is, and it's ugly.
I honestly don't even know.
This subject is so sensitive...
Not just to me but to most of my family, my colleagues, and my friends.
All for different reasons.
This could take weeks to write.
Hell, it could take weeks to read.
I guess I need to start off with a little disclaimer that some of you may get pissy reading this and some of you may take offense. Upfront: I don't care. This is my blog, my opinion, and my word.
A child has died.
A three year old child has died.
This is the latest news in my hometown and it saddens me so much. I mean it saddens me till I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it.
But there are other things about it that make me just as sick. It's the general public. It is the people that "know" the facts.
It is the people that are so quick to make a judgement call on anyone involved and they just can't wait to get on social media and comment away about how good a person is or how bad a person is.
It is the people that love to point out what the police and the investigators "should" be doing. Those that "know better" than all the rest because they have interacted with the deceased...or the accused.
Those arm-chair quarterbacks that know the law better than anyone else.
Basically, the ones that can't stop talking about it and let the authorities do their jobs, make me the sickest.
I would like to give a huge shout out to the Taylor County Sheriff's Office and the Department of Criminal Investigation. For such a high profile case, they have remained tight-lipped about the details of this case; as they should. But come on, we all know how small towns are! People LOVE to talk about people. It's human nature. It's what we do.
Just for a second, I would like you to put yourself in the following situation (DISCLAIMER: NONE OF THESE SITUATIONS ARE FACTS INVOLVED WITH THE ACTUAL CASE. THIS IS ME THINKING OUT LOUD):
You and your ex have a child together and the ex moves away. They move far enough away that, in order for you to get to your child in any sort of emergency, you have to drive several hours. Now... your child is away for a week, visiting their parent and you are sitting at home, just "chilling" and you open up Facebook or your Twitter, to see that your ex...the parent of your child...has been arrested. Not only have they been arrested...but they have been arrested on charges of endangering a child. And then you find out that it is your child.
Tell me you aren't going to be upset.
Tell me your world didn't just turn upside-down.
Tell me that you aren't going to want to inflict some serious pain on that other parent.
Tell me all one hundred thousand thoughts going through your head at that very moment.
Now...tell me what you are going to do when you find out that your child is dead.
Tell me exactly how you are going to handle that moment; right then; right there.
Tell me how you are going to wait until a police officer gets to your door to give you this awful, awful news. News that has already shaken you to your core.
Tell me how you are going to drive so many hours away to get to your baby. To do whatever it takes to make sure this is all a big mistake.
Tell me how you feel about learning your child is dead through social media.
You can't tell me because you don't know. You might think you know but you don't.
I hope this never happens to you.
Now...I would like to walk you through another situation and again: THIS IS ME THINKING OUT LOUD. NONE OF THESE ARE FACTS INVOLVED WITH THE ACTUAL CASE:
You are a cop and you get called to a medical call in your small town. There is an unresponsive child. Immediately, your heart hurts and your mind drifts to your own children at home. The ones that can't wait for you to come home to them every night. You start to say your prayers for this child. It is just natural. You can't stop it. "Please God, let this child wake up. Let this be a mistake."
Sadly, the child does not survive. And now the investigations begin. Your whole department working on this day and night. State investigations called in to assist. Arrests are made and the more information you learn, the sicker you get to your stomach; the angrier you get at the situation; the more frustrated you get because you want this case resolved. You want it resolved now. Not for you though. For that poor child that has lost their life.
Your shift is over and you go home. Your kids are playing and so happy to see you walk in the door. And all you can do is hug them. And maybe even shed some tears. You never want to let them go. A thousand thoughts going through your head. How? Why? What in the hell!!!???!!! Endless hours laying awake, thinking everything through. Horrifying images flash through your head. Endless hours trying to find even an ounce of sense in this stupid, stupid situation.
To get your mind off of it...hoping for some light-heartedness from society...you log into your Facebook or your Twitter and everyone is talking about this poor child that has lost their life. And you can't just walk away from it. No, you start to read comments and posts to see what people have to say. Honestly, it is human nature for a cop to keep reading because they have that tiny, tiny glimmer of hope that a sliver of evidence will get posted.
You have the people that publicly ask for prayers for this child; for this family; They ask their friends...their prayer warriors...to get down on both knees and beg God for some answers for this child.
And then you have the people that "knew" the family. The ones that "knew" the deceased. They "knew" that this was a good family and there could be no way that this child could have been harmed by this person. They saw this child recently and the child was fine. Kids fall. Kids have accidents. Kids get hurt. It's human nature. These people can't wait to defend what they "know" simply because they "know" it.
And then there are the above people's counterparts. The ones that just knew they were bad people. They are quick to say that things like this "probably" have happened all along. That things like this were "probably" a normalcy for this child. These people can't wait to spew their venom; poisoning the minds of anybody willing to read what they have to post. These are the ones that don't wait for facts. They don't wait for you to do your job as a police officer...as an investigator...as an officer of the law because they live their lives on the "what ifs" and the "probablys."
And then you have that small group of people that are IMMEDIATE to point out what the police are not doing. They are the really venomous ones. The dangerous ones. They are the ones that read one sentence and twist it around to make themselves look like they know more than anyone else. They turn the words around to make it look like they had inside information on something they truly know nothing about. You realize this is really the "deadliest" of the groups.
Or is it?
Because there is one more group of people that just make you shake your head and wonder how the hell these people not only are a part of your social media, but how are they even a part of your life? The group that goes out of their way to stand up for your job. They stand tall, above all the rest, defending you and your colleagues. Their chests puffed out. They can't wait to boast to the world that not only are you doing your job to the best of your ability (and you are), but you are doing it day and night. You aren't taking time to eat. You aren't taking time to sleep. You are missing out on time with your own family because of this case. All false, of course.
While your every waking moment is spent dealing with this case both physically and mentally...and every other case that comes across your desk each and every day, you are human. You have to have nourishment and you have to have sleep and you have to have time with those you love. Because if you didn't...you would have failed at your job a long time ago.
Now...how do you feel about your groups of friends now?
Kinda makes you want to shut them all out completely, doesn't it?
How does it make you feel to know that most everyone you come into contact with on a daily basis, is on the edge of their seat to give the most updated version of the story?
How badly does it make you want to go out to a local restaurant or to a ballgame, with these very people that want to suck information out of you?
How badly do you want to socialize now?
These are your friends.
I have had to go back over this several times already and I am so afraid I am going to lose focus, so I better get to the point.
SHUT UP. SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTHS ABOUT THE WHOLE DEAL. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW HOW THIS CHILD CAME TO IT'S END. YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THE CIRCUMSTANCES OR THE DETAILS THAT ARE TIED TO THIS CASE.
UNLESS YOU ARE THAT POOR BABY'S MOMMA, JUST SHUT UP.
UNLESS YOU ARE DIRECTLY RELATED TO THIS CASE, I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR ONE GOOD REASON WHY YOU ARE ENTITLED TO KNOW ONE DAMN THING ABOUT THIS CASE.
Now, I am not saying that this incident and this child should be forgotten. No way, no how. But instead of pointing fingers and twisting the facts, we all need to be pulling together and begging for Mercy for this poor little child. The headlines should read "Town In Mourning." Every one of us should take a step back and let the authorities do their jobs. This is not something that is going to be resolved overnight.
I shared two posts from an area radio station about this case. And I stated my opinion that the charges were definitely not steep enough. I didn't do that because I think the police have time to troll my Facebook page to see what my opinion is. I didn't do it because I think the police give one damn about what I have to say about it.
I did it because I am sad for a little three year old child that has died. I did it because I am sad for her and for her momma, as well as for my hometown.
And I would like to add that most of the comments on the tv station websites, and the radio station websites, are stupid at best. Keep your comments to yourself. If it was your child, you would want the world to butt out. Your opinions about this family and this child mean nothing. If you don't have solid fact to lay down then keep moving. And if you do have solid fact, I suggest you get to the authorities.
Here are just a few comments that I have found while roaming around on the internet and it just goes to show that people are ignorant and callous. People can't wait to hear themselves talk. The world is a scary place but when you have all these people with opinion-turned-fact to back them up, it makes me want to go running and screaming in the other direction. But then I realize that as long as I have those people, I have job security because it really is just a vicious cycle.
"The baby was in the bath."
(WRONG)
"Ok, so they are now telling us here in Bedford that the poor babies cause of death was drowning." (WRONG. I DON'T KNOW WHO "THEY" ARE BUT "THEY" ARE WRONG)
"Lazy parents like this would use a microwave not the stove so I'm sure it was a punishment. Too bad someone didn't see the signs sooner so that she could have been saved." (WOW. JUDGE MUCH? WHERE IN ANY INFORMATION YOU HAVE READ, DID IT SAY THIS PERSON WAS LAZY? I HAVE LAZY DAYS AND STILL USE MY STOVE. UNBELIEVABLE, I KNOW)
"What is wrong with these single mom's who feel the need to put their personal interests ahead of the safety of their children. She needs to be charged with something but in 18 months or so she will be pregnant again." (THE CHILD WAS IN THE CUSTODY OF HER FATHER, NOT HER MOTHER. READ THE FACTS. AGAIN, JUDGE MUCH? I COULD JUDGE YOU JUST FOR YOUR IDIOTIC POST. BUT I WON'T)
"I couldn't agree more. I couldn't imagine hurting my child. I can't say stories like this shock my anymore but I understand what you mean." (IT'S A SAD WORLD WE LIVE IN WHEN WE AREN'T SURPRISED BY CHILD ABUSE. I AM COMPLETELY SHOCKED BECAUSE I TEND TO GIVE EVERYONE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. WHAT AM I THINKING?)
I read where one person stated that we should just "get rid of the Amber Alert System" (NOT SURE WHEY THIS CAME UP OR HOW IT WAS RELEVANT) "because it's overly abused." (YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT? IF IT WAS YOUR KID, WOULD YOU WANT THEM TO JUST NOT TELL ANYONE???)
And as I was typing this, an Amber Alert comes through. Maybe that person above, that wants to get rid of the system would like to call up the mommy and daddy of two year old Rheea Lee Ann Day and four year old Reed Landon Day, and tell them that their child doesn't matter. Maybe they would like to explain to these parents how they are overly abusing this system "simply" because their children are missing. (YOU SIR OR MADAM, ARE A FLAMING IDIOT!)
Before I close, I want to give another shout out to the Taylor County Sheriff's Department and the Department of Criminal Investigation. Keep doing what you're doing because you're doing it well! I am so proud to be even a tiny link in your chain. With that being said, if you would like to challenge my opinion of these entities, I would be glad to spar. If you have known me for five minutes, you know that not only is law enforcement my life, and Taylor County a part of my soul, but I would fight to the death in their honor.
Stop and think one more time.
Cops are human.
They don't desensitize when they go to work.
They don't just stop feeling things when tragedy strikes.
They just get better at hiding their pain and their fear.
They just find new ways to cope.
Just like you do when you lose people in your life or when you have to deal with some really crappy situations.
We're all human. We all WANT to know things. But the confusion is that we mix up the words WANT and NEED. We think we need to know details of everything and everyone around us, when it is truly just the want to know. Informational greed is all it is, and it's ugly.
2015/05/26
Kerrie On
So..........because of the nature of this one, I am going to make it quick and painless. I hope.....
By now, we have all heard about the death of Omaha Police Officer Kerrie Orozco. If you haven't heard about her, you must be living in a cave or under a rock. Before the story broke about Officer Orozco, I had never ever heard her name. I did not know anything about her. Not one thing. But her death has shaken me to my core. I find myself thinking about it dozens of times a day.
She was hours away from going on maternity leave. She was hours away from starting a new journey with baby Olivia. She was hours away from starting a new path in life that she had waited a long time for. Mere hours!! And that poor, sweet little baby girl will never have the chance to know her momma. She will only know pictures and stories. Sure, she knew her voice for a little bit but she will never truly get to hear it for herself ever again.
Some bastard took that all away. Some guy that had a history of making poor, poor choices, took that away from her. If this isn't a tale of "unfair," I don't know what is! And I am angry. I am a lot angrier than I ever thought I would be. I cry for this woman that I don't know. I cry for this baby that I will probably never meet in my lifetime. And I'm not the only one. I am watching this whole Midwest mourn the life of a police officer that most didn't even know. Hell, I'm watching a nation mourn the life of a police officer that most of them didn't even know.
I will tell you this; I am glad that this man...this monster...that did this, is dead. I've never been the type of person to say anything like that. I've never had it in my heart to tell the world that it doesn't bother me that this person died. But... I'm glad that the coward that wasn't big enough to "man-up" for his own damn choices, can't take another breath. I do not care that he was someone's child or someone's father; and that may seem harsh but I really don't care about that either! He was an adult and he made some pretty stupid mistakes along the way. And I don't fault him for that. Hell, we all make mistakes!! What I fault him for is for taking another human being's life. Just because he can. Just to prove what a big man he is, I guess.
Well sir, how big do you feel right now? How much of a "big man" are you walking around the hallways of hell? How does the heat feel? And don't get up. Those questions are rhetorical and I don't really care about your answer. Again, if you think I'm harsh and a bad person for stating how I feel about this matter, you can click that x up in the right corner and feel free to not come back.
I do not take joy in anyone else's pain. Not at all. And I don't feel joy in the fact that this monster died. But I am glad. I'm not sad at all and I'm not wasting any breath by saying that he could have been "fixed," or "saved." No. He had his chances. Good riddance.
I hate this man because he took the life of a police officer. Someone out there doing what they do best, with every good intention in the world. It just so happens that her best intentions weren't good enough. Her best got her the worst. Her best got her shot. Her best changed the lives of everyone around her. Her best has shaken this great nation. But not in vain. No way.
The death of this fantastic cop has strengthened a bond between the brothers and sisters in blue. Kerrie Orozco's death is going to change a lot I have a feeling. It is going to change how we all work together. It is going to change how we all think. It is going to change how we all react. At least that's what I think, see, and feel.
We have all been on the side where we lose someone we love but how many of us have lost someone that we work with and think the world of? Luckily, I am not in that club and to be quite honest, would rather just stay out of that one.
I have said this before and it's 100% true, as a dispatcher, I get the honor and the privilege to work with the best of the best. I have made some lifetime friendships and wouldn't trade them for the world. In the same breath, I would be super-human if I said I was compatible with every cop I met. Oh dear no. But let me make this clear right here and now; if something happened to ANY of my guys, I would have a hard time ever looking at another dispatch console ever again.
I'm not saying I couldn't do it, but it would be hard. And then there are the ones that I will compare to Kerrie... they are the ones that you have such a bond with, and if that fateful day ever happened, there would be no turning back. I would need you to stick that fork in me because I would be done. You will find me over in the corner, crumbled into a billion tiny pieces of nothingness. Please just sweep me up, put me in an envelope and mail me to the end of the universe because I will be no good to anyone.
I can not make myself understand how Kerrie's co-workers feel. I can not wrap my head around those that loved working with her (and there were many), never hearing her voice on the radio again. I think I would long to hear it so much I would make myself crazy by replaying anything and everything on the recorders that I could find. Even if it was something as simple as "ten-four."
Her people will never hear her joke around again. They will never share a meal with her again. They will never get to hear her stories about how maternity leave was everything it was supposed to be. They will never hear her grumbles about paperwork...because we all grumble about paperwork. It's all done. It's all over.
And then there's the community itself. Could she have given any more to her community than she already had? She was involved in EVERYTHING. She was beautiful. She was busy. She was caring. She was giving. She was so much more than a role model. She was amazing.
I didn't even know this woman. But I know she was amazing.
Baby Olivia will never remember this woman. But she will always know that she made a mark on this world. As awesome as that is, it makes my stomach churn. And then it makes me angry again.
Until next time...thanks for reading. And remember... #supportblue
It's those people that have your backs when you need it the most.
By now, we have all heard about the death of Omaha Police Officer Kerrie Orozco. If you haven't heard about her, you must be living in a cave or under a rock. Before the story broke about Officer Orozco, I had never ever heard her name. I did not know anything about her. Not one thing. But her death has shaken me to my core. I find myself thinking about it dozens of times a day.
She was hours away from going on maternity leave. She was hours away from starting a new journey with baby Olivia. She was hours away from starting a new path in life that she had waited a long time for. Mere hours!! And that poor, sweet little baby girl will never have the chance to know her momma. She will only know pictures and stories. Sure, she knew her voice for a little bit but she will never truly get to hear it for herself ever again.
Some bastard took that all away. Some guy that had a history of making poor, poor choices, took that away from her. If this isn't a tale of "unfair," I don't know what is! And I am angry. I am a lot angrier than I ever thought I would be. I cry for this woman that I don't know. I cry for this baby that I will probably never meet in my lifetime. And I'm not the only one. I am watching this whole Midwest mourn the life of a police officer that most didn't even know. Hell, I'm watching a nation mourn the life of a police officer that most of them didn't even know.
I will tell you this; I am glad that this man...this monster...that did this, is dead. I've never been the type of person to say anything like that. I've never had it in my heart to tell the world that it doesn't bother me that this person died. But... I'm glad that the coward that wasn't big enough to "man-up" for his own damn choices, can't take another breath. I do not care that he was someone's child or someone's father; and that may seem harsh but I really don't care about that either! He was an adult and he made some pretty stupid mistakes along the way. And I don't fault him for that. Hell, we all make mistakes!! What I fault him for is for taking another human being's life. Just because he can. Just to prove what a big man he is, I guess.
Well sir, how big do you feel right now? How much of a "big man" are you walking around the hallways of hell? How does the heat feel? And don't get up. Those questions are rhetorical and I don't really care about your answer. Again, if you think I'm harsh and a bad person for stating how I feel about this matter, you can click that x up in the right corner and feel free to not come back.
I do not take joy in anyone else's pain. Not at all. And I don't feel joy in the fact that this monster died. But I am glad. I'm not sad at all and I'm not wasting any breath by saying that he could have been "fixed," or "saved." No. He had his chances. Good riddance.
I hate this man because he took the life of a police officer. Someone out there doing what they do best, with every good intention in the world. It just so happens that her best intentions weren't good enough. Her best got her the worst. Her best got her shot. Her best changed the lives of everyone around her. Her best has shaken this great nation. But not in vain. No way.
The death of this fantastic cop has strengthened a bond between the brothers and sisters in blue. Kerrie Orozco's death is going to change a lot I have a feeling. It is going to change how we all work together. It is going to change how we all think. It is going to change how we all react. At least that's what I think, see, and feel.
We have all been on the side where we lose someone we love but how many of us have lost someone that we work with and think the world of? Luckily, I am not in that club and to be quite honest, would rather just stay out of that one.
I have said this before and it's 100% true, as a dispatcher, I get the honor and the privilege to work with the best of the best. I have made some lifetime friendships and wouldn't trade them for the world. In the same breath, I would be super-human if I said I was compatible with every cop I met. Oh dear no. But let me make this clear right here and now; if something happened to ANY of my guys, I would have a hard time ever looking at another dispatch console ever again.
I'm not saying I couldn't do it, but it would be hard. And then there are the ones that I will compare to Kerrie... they are the ones that you have such a bond with, and if that fateful day ever happened, there would be no turning back. I would need you to stick that fork in me because I would be done. You will find me over in the corner, crumbled into a billion tiny pieces of nothingness. Please just sweep me up, put me in an envelope and mail me to the end of the universe because I will be no good to anyone.
I can not make myself understand how Kerrie's co-workers feel. I can not wrap my head around those that loved working with her (and there were many), never hearing her voice on the radio again. I think I would long to hear it so much I would make myself crazy by replaying anything and everything on the recorders that I could find. Even if it was something as simple as "ten-four."
Her people will never hear her joke around again. They will never share a meal with her again. They will never get to hear her stories about how maternity leave was everything it was supposed to be. They will never hear her grumbles about paperwork...because we all grumble about paperwork. It's all done. It's all over.
And then there's the community itself. Could she have given any more to her community than she already had? She was involved in EVERYTHING. She was beautiful. She was busy. She was caring. She was giving. She was so much more than a role model. She was amazing.
I didn't even know this woman. But I know she was amazing.
Baby Olivia will never remember this woman. But she will always know that she made a mark on this world. As awesome as that is, it makes my stomach churn. And then it makes me angry again.
Until next time...thanks for reading. And remember... #supportblue
It's those people that have your backs when you need it the most.
2015/05/15
#weseeyou
Police Week 2015 is soon coming to a close. If you have me on Facebook, you already know that I post and post and maybe even over-post about the police and how I feel about them so I am going to bring it right on over here because I have some frustrations and well.....what better place to work them out, right?
There is so much chaos in the world these days that a good cop couldn't catch a break if it were handed to them on a silver platter. Everywhere you look there is someone putting down a cop for something they've done. They've written someone a ticket. They've driven too fast down the highway. They've been rude to someone. They didn't get here fast enough. Don't they have anything BETTER to do than stop me for speeding?? Seriously, our world has changed so much.
Growing up in the jail house and having the Sheriff as your father, you learn some pretty hard-core stuff early in life. You learn that your birthday dinner that you have been waiting for the whole week, has to wait until your dad gets back from a wreck. A wreck where someone's child died. A wreck where someone decided to drink and drive and took a chance on, not only their life, but the lives of every person in every car they met on that road; until they crossed that line just enough to ruin their life and the life of someone else. And then when your dad finally has a chance to relax and unwind, he has to put on a happy face for you and for all your house guests. Because that's what he does.
He holds in it. He puts on a new, fresh exterior, even though he himself is dying inside for what he has just seen and had to do. He hugs you and kisses you and you are thinking how lucky you are that your dad made it back so now you can get back to your dinner, cake & ice cream, and presents and he is thinking how lucky he is that he is home; he is safe; you are safe; and how much he loves his family.
You learn that even on Christmas day, the opening of presents sometimes has to be put on hold. That's a pretty hard thing for a small child to learn. But that's the lessons of a cops child. While you sit and stare at your presents, wondering what is in each one, your dad is at someone's house arresting someone because they chose to drink too much that night before and almost beat their spouse...and their child...to death. When he gets home, you stare at your dad and smile, because you are so lucky that he is home to watch you open your presents and you get to give him something you made especially for him. He relaxes in his chair, smiling at his family, holding in those thoughts of what he would do if someone dared inflict any kind of pain on those he loves.
At some point in your life, you grow up and realize "There is a chance my dad won't come home tonight." And then you start to really think about how the world keeps changing, how crime keeps changing, how life keeps changing. And it gets scary.
You learn, as you see your dad assisting the fire department at a house fire, how much you are affected by memories of your own house fire. You ask yourself "How was he able to help with a house fire knowing that he felt responsible every day of his life for not getting his own child out of his burning house?" Obviously, he was not to blame whether he believed that or not. You suddenly feel yourself grow up a little bit as you think of what he went through that fateful day and then....how is he facing this fire right now? What must he be thinking? Why would he want to help put this fire out? HOW can he help put this fire out? But you see him hold it in. You see him for the strong soul that he is. You see his courage, his might, and his commitment; not only to the people, but to the profession.
Some of you reading this may have similar experiences and know exactly what I am talking about. The majority don't see the "small" things a family has to go through. Being the child of a cop, you learn that your parent isn't always going to be at your basketball games. They aren't always going to make your volleyball tournaments. Sometimes, they may not even make it to your Christmas concerts. And you understand. Because it's all you know. I was lucky enough to have my mom and many brothers and sisters (all older, I might add) to help cover for my dad. Our family always made sure someone was there.
I'm not sure what age I was when I finally started looking at my mom a whole different way. Knowing how I felt about what my dad did for a living and what kinds of danger the job put him in, how could she possibly withstand it? A houseful of noisy, rambunctious kids and constantly worrying if her husband was going to come home that night. It takes a strong woman to be a wife of a cop. It doesn't surprise me the divorce rates among cops because at some point, it would have to be easier to walk away so you don't have to worry anymore. I'm so thankful that my mom never walked away though. And I'm thankful that my guys have wives that are strong and supportive.
As if growing up in this profession wasn't enough, working in it has given me one of the sickest senses of humor known to man. Sometimes making a stupid joke about something that happened at work is the only way we have to cope with it. It's not about disrespect at all. It's about dealing with what bothers us. And what better way than to laugh.
With that being said, recently I had a conversation with a cop who loves to push my buttons. I expect it and he always delivers. Well this particular conversation we had, I was stressing how the safety and the lives of my guys were my top priority. Of course that brought jokes. But that isn't something I'm comfortable joking about. Not death. Especially not their death. I can't even begin to tell you how the thought of one of my guys getting hurt...or worse...on the job will affect me. My heart and my soul will crumble into a billion pieces. I would never be the same.
These guys are my family, my priority. They aren't my blood but they may as well be. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them. When I go to work, I don't care if someone is mad at me when I talk to them on the phone. I don't care if Joe Public thinks I make too much money for "just answering the phone." And I don't care if you pay taxes that pay my salary (by the way, I pay those same taxes so the next traffic stop will be on me). I care that everyone is safe. I care that at the end of shift, my guys have all made it home safely to their families. The families that are depending on me to do my job to the best of my abilities and get the information that their guy needs to do his job to the best of his abilities.
If you don't want to put yourself in the shoes of a cop, try putting yourself in the shoes of someone who loves that cop. Think about how you would feel knowing the person you love with all your heart and soul...the person that is your best friend...or your parent...is leaving to go to work and there is no promise that those he has to deal with, care if he lives or dies. How does it make you feel to know that there are people out there that wouldn't bat an eye to hold a gun to your loved one's head?
Before I was born, my dad had taken my sister for a car ride late one night because she wouldn't go to sleep. Dad was a deputy at the time so they just jumped into the patrol car and drove around town. She finally fell asleep and dad wanted to make sure she stayed good and asleep before going back home, so he stopped in front of the local bank (very small town) parked the car, sat back and relaxed. Of course, his only concern at that point was Marla, and her getting to sleep. He didn't know that right behind him, there were some armed men that had made their way through the bad door and were robbing that bank (no alarms back then). He didn't know that as he sat there listening to the sounds of his little girl sleeping, one man was sitting on the roof and had his gun sites set right to his head and was ready to shoot him if he made the slightest move to get out of that car. He learned all of that later. When they arrested those men.
So, for those of you that don't support the police, how would you like to do their job? How would you like your spouse to do their job? How would you like your child to do their job? It takes a special person, with a special heart, and a hell of a lot of courage, to do what they do. And to be ridiculed by so many because of some wrong-doings of a few. The good cops and the good things they do, greatly out-weigh the bad cops and the bad things they do. I'm glad that finally, the police are getting some positive recognition, and I am proud to be on this team. I hope all my guys know how proud I am of them, and how much I appreciate them. And I hope, that if their wives ever read this, they already know that this dispatcher's first and foremost priority, is his safety.
#weseeyou #idispatch #supportlawenforcement
There is so much chaos in the world these days that a good cop couldn't catch a break if it were handed to them on a silver platter. Everywhere you look there is someone putting down a cop for something they've done. They've written someone a ticket. They've driven too fast down the highway. They've been rude to someone. They didn't get here fast enough. Don't they have anything BETTER to do than stop me for speeding?? Seriously, our world has changed so much.
Growing up in the jail house and having the Sheriff as your father, you learn some pretty hard-core stuff early in life. You learn that your birthday dinner that you have been waiting for the whole week, has to wait until your dad gets back from a wreck. A wreck where someone's child died. A wreck where someone decided to drink and drive and took a chance on, not only their life, but the lives of every person in every car they met on that road; until they crossed that line just enough to ruin their life and the life of someone else. And then when your dad finally has a chance to relax and unwind, he has to put on a happy face for you and for all your house guests. Because that's what he does.
He holds in it. He puts on a new, fresh exterior, even though he himself is dying inside for what he has just seen and had to do. He hugs you and kisses you and you are thinking how lucky you are that your dad made it back so now you can get back to your dinner, cake & ice cream, and presents and he is thinking how lucky he is that he is home; he is safe; you are safe; and how much he loves his family.
You learn that even on Christmas day, the opening of presents sometimes has to be put on hold. That's a pretty hard thing for a small child to learn. But that's the lessons of a cops child. While you sit and stare at your presents, wondering what is in each one, your dad is at someone's house arresting someone because they chose to drink too much that night before and almost beat their spouse...and their child...to death. When he gets home, you stare at your dad and smile, because you are so lucky that he is home to watch you open your presents and you get to give him something you made especially for him. He relaxes in his chair, smiling at his family, holding in those thoughts of what he would do if someone dared inflict any kind of pain on those he loves.
At some point in your life, you grow up and realize "There is a chance my dad won't come home tonight." And then you start to really think about how the world keeps changing, how crime keeps changing, how life keeps changing. And it gets scary.
You learn, as you see your dad assisting the fire department at a house fire, how much you are affected by memories of your own house fire. You ask yourself "How was he able to help with a house fire knowing that he felt responsible every day of his life for not getting his own child out of his burning house?" Obviously, he was not to blame whether he believed that or not. You suddenly feel yourself grow up a little bit as you think of what he went through that fateful day and then....how is he facing this fire right now? What must he be thinking? Why would he want to help put this fire out? HOW can he help put this fire out? But you see him hold it in. You see him for the strong soul that he is. You see his courage, his might, and his commitment; not only to the people, but to the profession.
Some of you reading this may have similar experiences and know exactly what I am talking about. The majority don't see the "small" things a family has to go through. Being the child of a cop, you learn that your parent isn't always going to be at your basketball games. They aren't always going to make your volleyball tournaments. Sometimes, they may not even make it to your Christmas concerts. And you understand. Because it's all you know. I was lucky enough to have my mom and many brothers and sisters (all older, I might add) to help cover for my dad. Our family always made sure someone was there.
I'm not sure what age I was when I finally started looking at my mom a whole different way. Knowing how I felt about what my dad did for a living and what kinds of danger the job put him in, how could she possibly withstand it? A houseful of noisy, rambunctious kids and constantly worrying if her husband was going to come home that night. It takes a strong woman to be a wife of a cop. It doesn't surprise me the divorce rates among cops because at some point, it would have to be easier to walk away so you don't have to worry anymore. I'm so thankful that my mom never walked away though. And I'm thankful that my guys have wives that are strong and supportive.
As if growing up in this profession wasn't enough, working in it has given me one of the sickest senses of humor known to man. Sometimes making a stupid joke about something that happened at work is the only way we have to cope with it. It's not about disrespect at all. It's about dealing with what bothers us. And what better way than to laugh.
With that being said, recently I had a conversation with a cop who loves to push my buttons. I expect it and he always delivers. Well this particular conversation we had, I was stressing how the safety and the lives of my guys were my top priority. Of course that brought jokes. But that isn't something I'm comfortable joking about. Not death. Especially not their death. I can't even begin to tell you how the thought of one of my guys getting hurt...or worse...on the job will affect me. My heart and my soul will crumble into a billion pieces. I would never be the same.
These guys are my family, my priority. They aren't my blood but they may as well be. There isn't much I wouldn't do for them. When I go to work, I don't care if someone is mad at me when I talk to them on the phone. I don't care if Joe Public thinks I make too much money for "just answering the phone." And I don't care if you pay taxes that pay my salary (by the way, I pay those same taxes so the next traffic stop will be on me). I care that everyone is safe. I care that at the end of shift, my guys have all made it home safely to their families. The families that are depending on me to do my job to the best of my abilities and get the information that their guy needs to do his job to the best of his abilities.
If you don't want to put yourself in the shoes of a cop, try putting yourself in the shoes of someone who loves that cop. Think about how you would feel knowing the person you love with all your heart and soul...the person that is your best friend...or your parent...is leaving to go to work and there is no promise that those he has to deal with, care if he lives or dies. How does it make you feel to know that there are people out there that wouldn't bat an eye to hold a gun to your loved one's head?
Before I was born, my dad had taken my sister for a car ride late one night because she wouldn't go to sleep. Dad was a deputy at the time so they just jumped into the patrol car and drove around town. She finally fell asleep and dad wanted to make sure she stayed good and asleep before going back home, so he stopped in front of the local bank (very small town) parked the car, sat back and relaxed. Of course, his only concern at that point was Marla, and her getting to sleep. He didn't know that right behind him, there were some armed men that had made their way through the bad door and were robbing that bank (no alarms back then). He didn't know that as he sat there listening to the sounds of his little girl sleeping, one man was sitting on the roof and had his gun sites set right to his head and was ready to shoot him if he made the slightest move to get out of that car. He learned all of that later. When they arrested those men.
So, for those of you that don't support the police, how would you like to do their job? How would you like your spouse to do their job? How would you like your child to do their job? It takes a special person, with a special heart, and a hell of a lot of courage, to do what they do. And to be ridiculed by so many because of some wrong-doings of a few. The good cops and the good things they do, greatly out-weigh the bad cops and the bad things they do. I'm glad that finally, the police are getting some positive recognition, and I am proud to be on this team. I hope all my guys know how proud I am of them, and how much I appreciate them. And I hope, that if their wives ever read this, they already know that this dispatcher's first and foremost priority, is his safety.
#weseeyou #idispatch #supportlawenforcement
2015/04/03
Letting it all go
This first sentence may be the easiest one for me to get out. I have thought and thought and thought about what I want to talk about...to vent about...for weeks now. Any time I have ever started to write anything down, my emotions take over and I get angry and I walk away. These emotions are raw and they are new and they have taken over almost every thought process I go through in a day. And I hate them; these emotions.
In one way the process is benefiting me because when I go to the gym now and walk the track, or get on the rowing machine, or tromp on that damn elliptical, I find myself looking up or sometimes even spacing off, and getting lost in what I'm feeling, how I want to verbalize it, or even how I need to "brush it off" and the next thing I know, I am working out like a monster. I push myself to limits that I don't think possible on "normal" days. I find myself exhausted both physically and mentally.
Several people have told me to "talk it out," but I have a few problems with that. Problem number one is the inner fight on WHO I want to talk it out with. It's not like I can just go to anyone and blurt all this out because they are going to look at me and say "Okay, who is that?" or "What does this have to do with this?" or even "Why are you wasting your time on this?" And you might be thinking "I wouldn't say that to her," but in the scope of reality, you wouldn't have a clue how it all tied together if you didn't know the situation around it all.
Oh crap, I think I am even confusing myself here. I think I just over thought that one. Anyway.....
Problem number one sprouts into problem number two. I only have a select one or two that I feel I can tell all to, and get reactive and possibly positive feedback, brainstorming and problem-solving, all in one fell-swoop. The problem isn't that there are only one or two. The problem is that our schedules don't match up enough for us to have the time to talk. And it doesn't look like it's going to get any better for the whole month of April.
The next problem that I have...and don't laugh...is that I can not talk about this without literally breaking down and crying. And I have promised myself that I am not going to utter these words out loud in a blubbering mess. Mainly because I don't understand why this affects me as much as it does. I have even tried getting the crying part out and THEN talk about it but I can't seem to do that either. It just starts all over again. So I just dig another hole and drop it in there, cover it up and move on.
Nobody should do that. If this was one of my sisters acting like this, I would want her to talk it out so why can't I just do it??? Kathy and I will be leaving for a girl's weekend in a couple of weeks. If I haven't figured this out by then, she may just have to listen to me cry. I don't know what else to do. If I have to wait for my "go-to" person to get back to normal scheduling, I may blow up before then.
Well.....I bet you're just as lost now as you were when I started, huh? Good. It will prepare you for what's coming up. I can't promise this won't be a hugely long and possibly insane blog post so at least you were warned. Time to vent.
This post is dedicated solely to YOU: From the day I met you, you were a perfect fit into my world and all that I had learned from my dad. You had my instant respect and loyalty from that day and I didn't think anything would, or even could, change that. You are a very smart person that thinks things through. You don't just jump. You weigh your pros and cons and you take others' advice and think that through as well. You genuinely care about people and about what they say. I have always thought you were a born leader.
Key word back there: thought. I do not think that anymore. I am embarrassed at the kind of leader you have become. You have not only turned your back on those that need your leadership and your presence, but you have made those people feel invaluable and as if they don't matter. You don't have time for those that are your biggest supporters; were your biggest supporters. You took the title and ran as if that was all you ever wanted in the first place. I don't know, maybe it is all you ever wanted. Maybe you have just been "playing the system" from day one. I don't know what to think anymore. And I don't know why I care so much.
There are things going on right under your nose that you should know about. Things that you should be seeing. But you choose to look the other way. You choose to ride it out. Is it because you just don't care anymore? Is that title worth the respect that you are losing every precious day? Are you prepared to be the next "joke" in the place? Are you seriously too busy for your own people? Too busy to listen? Too busy to care? Because that's what I'm seeing. And I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that is willing to put it out there.
And it will be put out there. I don't know when and I don't know how but it will. Like I said before, I don't know why I care so much; but I do. I am trying not to though. One of these days you are going to need something and it's going to be too late.
I am one of the few people that would jump when you say jump;
I am one of the few people that would bend over backward to make sure you got done what you needed done;
and I am one of the few people that would always have your back;
But I may not always be there.
At least not for you. I don't know how long I can wait for you to get your head out of your ass and realize that we need you. We need you to be present and active. I need you to be present and active. Otherwise, I am going to stop caring and 100% of my loyalty is going to lie somewhere else. It may not sound like much now but it's not a pretty sight to see your own people turn their backs on the one that is supposed to be their "leader."
I am disgusted.
I am embarrassed.
I am angry.
I am sad.
And I don't want to be your friend.
As juvenile as that may sound right now, I don't want to be friends with someone who forgets their own. I don't want to be a part of something that is a false-front. I don't want to be a friend to someone who isn't real; and true; and themselves.
You know that I have been wanting to talk to you and you haven't made one move to make that happen. I have tried working around your schedule but it's almost impossible to do that with my own schedule of nights and the road trips you have had to take. I can't place all the blame on you and I don't. But you do know that something is bothering me because I told you that much. And I also told you that I can't do it over the phone. And here I sit and wait. Because you can't take time out of your day to help me through this. Because I am not important enough.
At least that's how you make me feel.
And this is as far as my mind can go. I have hit a wall. I am too angry to add anymore right now.
Now I'd like to say a few words to a couple of you: You sir, are another shining example of taking a position simply for the title. Not a drop more of pay, just a new title. Big damn deal. You have also turned your back on your people and if that isn't bad enough, you have turned your back on your family. Your marriage is in the toilet and the only reason I know this is because I watch your wife slowly die on a daily basis. I listen to how your family life has turned into nothing and to be honest, I am sick of hearing it. You can't even see what you have done because you are too busy shining your new name plate with brand new title. You are an embarrassment and a waste of authority. You let your people run amok and make up their own rules as they go because it's easier than putting a little thought and effort into doing it yourself. You aren't that old so wake up and do your job. You are the laughing stock of this place and you can't even see it. Get out and do something besides paperwork for a change and see what is going on under your nose. Better yet...take a look at what ISN'T getting done right under your nose. Be a man and step up. Take some responsibility for yourself, your job, and your family falling apart.
You ma'am, are the biggest drama queen I have ever met in my life; and I've met quite a few. I have learned to just avoid spending more than a couple of minutes with you because every single thing we discuss and every single question I ask, gets turned into a talk about how freaking miserable you are and how your husband has ruined your marriage. If you are that damned miserable, do something about it but please stop bringing that crap to work and unloading it on me. It is none of my business and I have my own life to think about.
I am a "fixer" but I do not have the capability of fixing you or your marriage. I don't even want to be that friend that listens because I tend to "take this stuff on" in my heart. I refuse to do it anymore because it's the same thing each day. The problems never go away. Why do you want to live like that??? Time to put your big girl panties on and decipher what problems are work problems and what problems are home problems and then do what you need to do to deal with them. If I come to your house, feel free to unload on me. And then slit my wrists when you're done. Sounds a little harsh, I know but that's how I feel at this exact moment.
And for the record, it took about 24 hours for me to learn about you saying "I'm not supposed to tell you this but....." Yeah...seems nobody can trust nobody around here. Freaking kindergarten! I think the shit-stirrer should have to lick the spoon.
I am so done with you.
And then there's you: You are the one that I thought was my friend. My honest to goodness friend. You are the one that always helped keep me grounded when my mind went twelve different directions all at the same time. You were "my person." You know the one. Like in Grey's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith were each other's "person." I have told you so many things and we have had many laughs. I would look at you and see a friend for many years down the road. We have cried on each other's shoulders many times.
Then my rose colored glasses fell off one day. You are a bully. You love to run people over. You change your story to fit your audience. You talk big but never show results yet you expect them from those around you. You change rules to suit yourself. You don't care who you hurt to get whatever you want. You like to pit people against each other in the name of "making peace" when you know it does nothing but make the problem worse. You love to play the shrink but the problem is that you don't have the skills to do it.
I witnessed a conversation between you and one of your friends the other day that broke my heart. The person that is always posting crap on their Facebook wall about being a good person, loving yourself and loving others; the one that just posted a few days ago about a meme about being careful who you should open up to, this person...you!...repeated information about a co-worker saying it is mere fact when in reality, it was gossip. You may have had one of your facts right but all the rest that followed was what you heard and you passed it off like it was gospel. And you did it with a huge smile on your face. As if you were benefiting from it.
And if that didn't make me sick enough, you and your friend took great pleasure in the failure of a marriage simply because you don't like the man. "She fucked around on him because he's a douche bag." That makes me sick. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I don't care how good your gossip source is. Because you love the fact that your marriage failed, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same.
You are not the person I thought you were. You sold me on an idea that was a lie. You are a fake and I won't trust you with anything important again. And I will mourn this "friendship" that I thought we had. I will mourn it for a long time. But I have learned an important lesson. "If you will talk bad about others with me, you will talk bad about me with others."
I am walking away from this...whatever it is. And because of you, I will be very careful about who I let in and who I confide in. Enough is enough. Thanks for posting this on your Facebook wall. It comes in very handy right now.
And then there's YOU!!! You know who you are! Get your crap taken care of. I need my friend back. I need to talk to you. About anything. About everything. I need your listening ear. I can't promise I won't cry but I will do my best. I don't know if you drew the short straw or not but you are my "go-to" person.
Whether you like it or not. This business of not having you around to bounce this stuff off of is slowly killing me. I blame the boss. Fully.
In one way the process is benefiting me because when I go to the gym now and walk the track, or get on the rowing machine, or tromp on that damn elliptical, I find myself looking up or sometimes even spacing off, and getting lost in what I'm feeling, how I want to verbalize it, or even how I need to "brush it off" and the next thing I know, I am working out like a monster. I push myself to limits that I don't think possible on "normal" days. I find myself exhausted both physically and mentally.
Several people have told me to "talk it out," but I have a few problems with that. Problem number one is the inner fight on WHO I want to talk it out with. It's not like I can just go to anyone and blurt all this out because they are going to look at me and say "Okay, who is that?" or "What does this have to do with this?" or even "Why are you wasting your time on this?" And you might be thinking "I wouldn't say that to her," but in the scope of reality, you wouldn't have a clue how it all tied together if you didn't know the situation around it all.
Oh crap, I think I am even confusing myself here. I think I just over thought that one. Anyway.....
Problem number one sprouts into problem number two. I only have a select one or two that I feel I can tell all to, and get reactive and possibly positive feedback, brainstorming and problem-solving, all in one fell-swoop. The problem isn't that there are only one or two. The problem is that our schedules don't match up enough for us to have the time to talk. And it doesn't look like it's going to get any better for the whole month of April.
The next problem that I have...and don't laugh...is that I can not talk about this without literally breaking down and crying. And I have promised myself that I am not going to utter these words out loud in a blubbering mess. Mainly because I don't understand why this affects me as much as it does. I have even tried getting the crying part out and THEN talk about it but I can't seem to do that either. It just starts all over again. So I just dig another hole and drop it in there, cover it up and move on.
Nobody should do that. If this was one of my sisters acting like this, I would want her to talk it out so why can't I just do it??? Kathy and I will be leaving for a girl's weekend in a couple of weeks. If I haven't figured this out by then, she may just have to listen to me cry. I don't know what else to do. If I have to wait for my "go-to" person to get back to normal scheduling, I may blow up before then.
Well.....I bet you're just as lost now as you were when I started, huh? Good. It will prepare you for what's coming up. I can't promise this won't be a hugely long and possibly insane blog post so at least you were warned. Time to vent.
This post is dedicated solely to YOU: From the day I met you, you were a perfect fit into my world and all that I had learned from my dad. You had my instant respect and loyalty from that day and I didn't think anything would, or even could, change that. You are a very smart person that thinks things through. You don't just jump. You weigh your pros and cons and you take others' advice and think that through as well. You genuinely care about people and about what they say. I have always thought you were a born leader.
Key word back there: thought. I do not think that anymore. I am embarrassed at the kind of leader you have become. You have not only turned your back on those that need your leadership and your presence, but you have made those people feel invaluable and as if they don't matter. You don't have time for those that are your biggest supporters; were your biggest supporters. You took the title and ran as if that was all you ever wanted in the first place. I don't know, maybe it is all you ever wanted. Maybe you have just been "playing the system" from day one. I don't know what to think anymore. And I don't know why I care so much.
There are things going on right under your nose that you should know about. Things that you should be seeing. But you choose to look the other way. You choose to ride it out. Is it because you just don't care anymore? Is that title worth the respect that you are losing every precious day? Are you prepared to be the next "joke" in the place? Are you seriously too busy for your own people? Too busy to listen? Too busy to care? Because that's what I'm seeing. And I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that is willing to put it out there.
And it will be put out there. I don't know when and I don't know how but it will. Like I said before, I don't know why I care so much; but I do. I am trying not to though. One of these days you are going to need something and it's going to be too late.
I am one of the few people that would jump when you say jump;
I am one of the few people that would bend over backward to make sure you got done what you needed done;
and I am one of the few people that would always have your back;
But I may not always be there.
At least not for you. I don't know how long I can wait for you to get your head out of your ass and realize that we need you. We need you to be present and active. I need you to be present and active. Otherwise, I am going to stop caring and 100% of my loyalty is going to lie somewhere else. It may not sound like much now but it's not a pretty sight to see your own people turn their backs on the one that is supposed to be their "leader."
I am disgusted.
I am embarrassed.
I am angry.
I am sad.
And I don't want to be your friend.
As juvenile as that may sound right now, I don't want to be friends with someone who forgets their own. I don't want to be a part of something that is a false-front. I don't want to be a friend to someone who isn't real; and true; and themselves.
You know that I have been wanting to talk to you and you haven't made one move to make that happen. I have tried working around your schedule but it's almost impossible to do that with my own schedule of nights and the road trips you have had to take. I can't place all the blame on you and I don't. But you do know that something is bothering me because I told you that much. And I also told you that I can't do it over the phone. And here I sit and wait. Because you can't take time out of your day to help me through this. Because I am not important enough.
At least that's how you make me feel.
And this is as far as my mind can go. I have hit a wall. I am too angry to add anymore right now.
Now I'd like to say a few words to a couple of you: You sir, are another shining example of taking a position simply for the title. Not a drop more of pay, just a new title. Big damn deal. You have also turned your back on your people and if that isn't bad enough, you have turned your back on your family. Your marriage is in the toilet and the only reason I know this is because I watch your wife slowly die on a daily basis. I listen to how your family life has turned into nothing and to be honest, I am sick of hearing it. You can't even see what you have done because you are too busy shining your new name plate with brand new title. You are an embarrassment and a waste of authority. You let your people run amok and make up their own rules as they go because it's easier than putting a little thought and effort into doing it yourself. You aren't that old so wake up and do your job. You are the laughing stock of this place and you can't even see it. Get out and do something besides paperwork for a change and see what is going on under your nose. Better yet...take a look at what ISN'T getting done right under your nose. Be a man and step up. Take some responsibility for yourself, your job, and your family falling apart.
You ma'am, are the biggest drama queen I have ever met in my life; and I've met quite a few. I have learned to just avoid spending more than a couple of minutes with you because every single thing we discuss and every single question I ask, gets turned into a talk about how freaking miserable you are and how your husband has ruined your marriage. If you are that damned miserable, do something about it but please stop bringing that crap to work and unloading it on me. It is none of my business and I have my own life to think about.
I am a "fixer" but I do not have the capability of fixing you or your marriage. I don't even want to be that friend that listens because I tend to "take this stuff on" in my heart. I refuse to do it anymore because it's the same thing each day. The problems never go away. Why do you want to live like that??? Time to put your big girl panties on and decipher what problems are work problems and what problems are home problems and then do what you need to do to deal with them. If I come to your house, feel free to unload on me. And then slit my wrists when you're done. Sounds a little harsh, I know but that's how I feel at this exact moment.
And for the record, it took about 24 hours for me to learn about you saying "I'm not supposed to tell you this but....." Yeah...seems nobody can trust nobody around here. Freaking kindergarten! I think the shit-stirrer should have to lick the spoon.
I am so done with you.
And then there's you: You are the one that I thought was my friend. My honest to goodness friend. You are the one that always helped keep me grounded when my mind went twelve different directions all at the same time. You were "my person." You know the one. Like in Grey's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith were each other's "person." I have told you so many things and we have had many laughs. I would look at you and see a friend for many years down the road. We have cried on each other's shoulders many times.
Then my rose colored glasses fell off one day. You are a bully. You love to run people over. You change your story to fit your audience. You talk big but never show results yet you expect them from those around you. You change rules to suit yourself. You don't care who you hurt to get whatever you want. You like to pit people against each other in the name of "making peace" when you know it does nothing but make the problem worse. You love to play the shrink but the problem is that you don't have the skills to do it.
I witnessed a conversation between you and one of your friends the other day that broke my heart. The person that is always posting crap on their Facebook wall about being a good person, loving yourself and loving others; the one that just posted a few days ago about a meme about being careful who you should open up to, this person...you!...repeated information about a co-worker saying it is mere fact when in reality, it was gossip. You may have had one of your facts right but all the rest that followed was what you heard and you passed it off like it was gospel. And you did it with a huge smile on your face. As if you were benefiting from it.
And if that didn't make me sick enough, you and your friend took great pleasure in the failure of a marriage simply because you don't like the man. "She fucked around on him because he's a douche bag." That makes me sick. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I don't care how good your gossip source is. Because you love the fact that your marriage failed, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same.
You are not the person I thought you were. You sold me on an idea that was a lie. You are a fake and I won't trust you with anything important again. And I will mourn this "friendship" that I thought we had. I will mourn it for a long time. But I have learned an important lesson. "If you will talk bad about others with me, you will talk bad about me with others."
I am walking away from this...whatever it is. And because of you, I will be very careful about who I let in and who I confide in. Enough is enough. Thanks for posting this on your Facebook wall. It comes in very handy right now.
And then there's YOU!!! You know who you are! Get your crap taken care of. I need my friend back. I need to talk to you. About anything. About everything. I need your listening ear. I can't promise I won't cry but I will do my best. I don't know if you drew the short straw or not but you are my "go-to" person.
Whether you like it or not. This business of not having you around to bounce this stuff off of is slowly killing me. I blame the boss. Fully.
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