The COVID experience

Yesterday morning, my husband went in for a scope on his stomach. He hasnt been feeling good for quite a while so after ruling everything else out, they believe he has an ulcer. Welcome to my world dear husband. 

We got up and going before the butt-crack of dawn after I got off at midnight the night before and had to "sleep" on the couch because my youngest pup had babies a few days ago and I wont make her spend a whole night alone. Since I had to get up at 5am, it just made sense. And it didnt help that a small snowstorm had blown through so the roads sucked a little bit. Both going home from work and a few hours later going to the hospital.

Hubby gets checked in, gets labs taken, rapid COVID swab and we are escorted to a room where he gets changed out and ready to find some answers. We chat about the nice socks, sexy gown and cool cap he gets to wear. Of course Im jealous! I havent had my share of those things in the past year and a half! Yeah, right!!

*Knock knock* the nurse opens the door a crack and looks at my husband, "Guess what?" He looks at her and kinda laughs and says "You're fucking with me." At this point I was oblivious to just what was going on. I felt like I was watching a tennis match. Back and forth until SOMEONE makes the point. 

He is COVID positive. 

No, no, no, no, no. 

He feels fine. 

He didnt even have a fever when we came in. 

No cough; not one symptom. 

He is pissed about having to miss work.

Oh God, he has to tell his boss.

This is going to go over like a lead balloon.

While he is getting dressed and testing out every cuss word he has ever heard, my mind was going a million miles a minute. 

I cant have this.

I dont want to find out I took this to work.

I cant miss work.

Oh Lord. I. Can. NOT. Miss. Work. 

No.

My boss is going to have a breakdown.

I bet my eyes were as wide as they could be. "I need a test. I work at the Sheriffs Office. Lets not get me in trouble with the Sheriff." She tells us where to go so I can get a test done and off we go.

I get the test and we head home to wait for the news. I started cleaning the kitchen to keep my mind busy while barking orders at my husband that just because he has COVID, he isnt sick so this isnt going to be a vacation. He kept saying that he felt fine. I kept saying I felt terrible. He had results. I didnt. I was mentally preparing for the worst.

After a while, I hadnt heard anything so I called the hospital who transferred me to public health. "You are negative but you need to wear a mask everywhere outside your house for 2 weeks. You can not go into any public buildings for 2 weeks so find someone to grocery shop for you." Not one mention of work. Hello??? "Follow your employers protocol." Here's the funny part. Our freaking protocol is to go by public health advice. I felt like I had just got sucked into a vacuum. 

The boss would figure it out. Told me to plan on having the day off (yep, I was scheduled to work that day) and he would get back to me. When he did, he told me to plan for 2 weeks off. My heart sank. 

I'm that girl that struggles with more than 2 days off in a row unless I am out of town. I love my job and I do not like to miss. I hate using sick time. I know; that's what it's for BUT the way my life changed at year 49, I need all that sick time. 

Just. In. Case. 

Be prepared for anything.

Oh, did I mention that hubby's supervisor tested positive as well??  I told the hubs that it is pretty sad he is more intimate with his supervisor than he is with me. He didnt like that but I sure got a good laugh out of it. 

Working opposite shifts has probably helped me but I have thought from the beginning of this stupid mess that I already had it. Me and a few others at the office. 

So now, we have had two days together, stuck in this house. TWO. He has eight to go. I have twelve. Remember when this pandemic first started and people were forced to stay home? I was envious for about a minute but thought there would be no way we would make it through.

Well, here we are!!! One of hubs co-workers told me not to kill him in the next 2 weeks. I said fine but after that, all bets are off.

Please dont send cards or messages hoping he (or we) get to feeling better. We both feel great but our sleep schedules are really going to suck when life goes back to normal. We are good on everyday groceries and toilet paper and yeast and peanut butter. Thanks to my bestie for getting us some drinks from the c-store today. God Bless You. That is probably tge only thing we will ever need someone to get for us, luckily.

If we get to feeling bad, I will update everyone. I know lots of people are entrigued about how people feel as they gothrough this. I feel trapped. Does that help? Our report should be pretty boring as long as we dont develop any symptoms.

We were able to go into town today and vote from our car. I felt like a lepper but those gals in the Guthrie County Courthouse are and always have been amazing to work with. So that's done.

For those of you that say "At least you have puppies to play with while you are stuck at home," their eyes arent even open yet so they arent that much fun. And momma is pretty proud of them and very much all about them NOT being around the sperm donor or that old bitch that growls at night. Not me, but Eva. So if we want to hold them now, we have to go sit in her 4x4 welping box and that is not comfortable!! 

Well, it took a quarantine, but I finally got hubs to sit down and work on this crazy ass puzzle. We are making pretty good progress on it. Who knows, we may finish it tomorrow. We better pace ourselves. I dont want to run out of stuff to do. Sure cant bake anything because I couldnt share it with anyone in good conscious. 

Stay tuned. We will see how this goes.

Have love in your heart

Well, hello there!  Fancy meeting you here.  It's been a little while so thought I would pop in and tell you a story.  The purpose of the story is at the end.  I mean the main purpose of the story.  Sometimes I surprise myself at what comes out of my own mouth.  It's usually bad...or embarrassing...or dumb....usually sarcastic.  Sometimes though, it is so right on, it makes me think someone is speaking for me!

Recently, on my way home from work around midnight forty, I came across a car that had obviously hit a deer.  Well, let's be fair; I saw the deer blood all over the road and then some car parts on the left side of the interstate and then the car itself was on the shoulder on the right side with both back hazard lights clearly turned on for the world to see. California plates so they aren't local by any means.  It didn't take much to deduce what had happened.   

I pulled over to the right, in front of the damaged car, turned on my flashers and got out after making sure no vehicles were coming up behind us.  I walked to the car and approached the driver's door and asked if they were ok.  The female in the drivers seat tried to open the door but it was too heavily damaged but she could crack it just enough to say they were ok but getting cold.  I told her that I am a 911 dispatcher and where I worked and I would gladly give them a ride into the next town so they could get a motel room.  She thanked me and I could see that three young ladies were in the car with her.  I told her not to try to open the door and everybody needs to exit the car from the passenger side due to traffic not getting over.

DUE TO TRAFFIC NOT GETTING OVER.  FOR TWO CARS WITH HAZARD LIGHTS ON.  UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!  IF YOU DON'T GET OVER FOR ANY VEHICLE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD, AT THE VERY LEAST SLOW DOWN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN OR SURRENDER YOUR DRIVERS LICENSE.  HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF THAT WAS SOMEONE YOU LOVED AND YOUR CARELESSNESS GOT THEM HURT OR KILLED?

So the woman and her three daughters (this info was confirmed) started grabbing things around them.  The youngest of the group, possibly around 8 years old, got out and took her blankets and pillow and put them in the back of my car.  She looked at me and said "What do you want me to do with these?"  I looked down and she had either a small tablet or a large cell phone.  "You keep hold of that."  She started to cry and I asked her if she was ok.  She shook her head yes and I asked if she was scared.  She said yes and then started crying.  "Keep that in your coat pocket and get in the car and get warm.  Your tears are going to freeze to your face.  I am here to help and I have the heater going for you."  I opened up the back door and she crawled in.  

I went back and helped them get their belongings and put them in my car.  We took everything they could fit in there.  Backpacks of clothes, shoes, blankets, pillows, sacks of snacks and food.  I think they only thing we left in that car was their trash and a notebook.  They thanked me about a hundred times if they thanked me once.  I turned on my flashlight at one point to look at the extensive damage to her car and of course, blood and hair everywhere.  They may have gasped a couple of times and I said it's just part of the animal so it's ok.  We got the car loaded and the driver asked if she could go back and take pictures of her car.  Of course you can!  

While she was taking pictures, the middle (in age, maybe 12) gal said to me, "So you are a 911 dispatcher?"  I turned to her and said "Yep!"  She smiled at me and was very curious and I think if we would have had much of a car ride, there would have been a whole conversation about my job and she said "How did you become a 911 dispatcher?  Do you need to go to school for it?"  I explained to her that there is training involved with the job but there isn't a college course that can prepare anyone for the things a dispatcher does or hears and a lot of it is about multi-tasking.  She took in every single word I spoke and then said "I want to be a 911 dispatcher so I can help people like you do."  If that just doesn't melt your heart and make you feel proud of yourself, what would?  I looked her right in the eye and said these words to her.....

"That is great but remember, you don't have to be a 911 dispatcher to help people.  You just have to have love in your heart."  Her mom then got in the car and we went to town.  The whole way I wondered where that came from.  I got them safely to a motel and helped them unload their belongings into the room.  I wrote down all the location information of her accident (for her insurance and the tow truck) and wrote down the number to the sheriff's office if she needed us for anything else and I was on my way home.

I slept so good knowing they were off the road, warm and safe.   

I did not write this for any accolades.  I wrote this because that little girl made me believe in myself again; not only as a dispatcher but as a human being who cares about others.  We need to reach out more and give people a hand up and if they need a hand out, give that to them too.  There will always be someone out there worse off than you.  Always.  If you need my help, let me know.  I will try my best.  I hope you will too.

Wedding Day

Raise your glass and let's make a toast. The big day is finally here. A lot of talking, planning, shopping, arranging, re-arranging. And it is here. The day we have all been waiting for. 

*brakes screeching* 

Hold the phone.....

The day Dana and Drew have been waiting for. I wont lie, I have been ready to get this over with for a LONG time. 

This gal walked into my life 5 or 6 years ago and I wasnt looking for a friend. I had plenty.  Sometimes she turns life around for me. Sometimes "around" means upside down too. I wouldnt have it any other way though. 

Dana is silly. I get a kick out of hearing about the dog's colors or her children's collaring books. You read it right. That's how she tells it. I love discussing road tripping with her and hope someday to visit this magical place called Minionapolos. Sounds amazing! 

Dana came to work with me at the jail after working at the local community school and I have always said "They hired you after college because they realized they graduated you and forgot to teach you to how to spell!" I have loosened up (a tad bit) on her spelling mistakes though. Learning to pick my battles.

And after all of this ribbing, Dana has been and always will be right there for me. She has such a good heart and a good soul. Even in the worst of situations. Dana and I work very well together. We bounce off of each other. We dont even have to think about things. We just know what the other is going to do and we react to each other. We truly are a great team. And we have a special bond that I pray we never lose because it is hard to find a person you can be your grouchy, scared, pissed off self around and then turn around and see them smiling back at you, telling you not only is it ok to be those things, but that they still love you all the way through it. 

That's what I have with Dana and I hope she knows she has that with me.  This gal, her very soon-to-be husband Drew, their two precious babes, and all their little fur-babies are very close to my heart and I love them all like they are my own. 

As you all know, Im not normally like this. All mushy and squishy and soft. I dont like that. It is too emotional for me. Life is hard so I try to be a little harder around the edges. But today... *sigh* ...today I will be a little kinder, a little softer, and show my friends how much I love and support them. 

So, if you see me standing up there and a tear slides down my cheek, it is because Im excited and very happy for my girl. Happy she is getting the day she wants. 

I had a whole bunch of funny stuff built up to write about today but it just doesnt seem appropriate. Today isnt the day. Or I just need to start day drinking a little early! Then the words will flow!!! It's still early so we will just play that by ear!

Today is dedicated to you my friend. I cant wait to get this party started and get you started down this new journey in life. I love you and will always be here for you.

My 2-3 cents worth

I think we owe it to ourselves and to those around us to think before we speak. I know from experience that doesn't always work. It's hard to do sometimes. And I mean it when I say some days it's nearly impossible. That's why I use this site as my platform and not Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat or any other BS site that easily fuels anger. But we all have a breaking point. We are human. Let's keep that in the forefront of our minds. Another thing to remember is that what I type is MY OPINION. Mine and nobody else's. I can not and will not speak for anybody else.

I want to put this out there right now for anybody that may think different. Mainly because I have been accused of one or two of these. I am not privileged because of my race, my status, my bank account, or my name. I, myself, have felt like I have been “wronged” in my life for whatever reasons but clearly, I am not privileged. I work hard at what I do; whatever I do. I like to get good results and if that means I have to give a little sweat and tears, so be it. I am always up to learn and I am not afraid to ask questions to be a better dispatcher or a better person. But, if that is your idea of me, get it out of your mind and if you can't, get out of my life. I refuse to spend my time trying to make you understand. I have a life to live and I just want to be happy. There is a reason for this paragraph and I will get to it soon.

It's hot in here. Do you think it's hot in here? Maybe it's just my blood boiling over so many things. Maybe it's just hot in here. I don't know. What I do know is that an air conditioner is about to go in my bedroom window because this menopausal-pain-in-the-butt-grouchy-ass girl needs to get some sleep. Some nice cold, deep sleep with a ceiling fan, box fan, and 2 blankets. That is with the air conditioner. Yeah, I like to live on the edge like that. Let's go back to the blood boiling thing. It's much more colorful.

By now you have all heard or read about the 4 Minneapolis, MN police officers that were fired over the case with George Floyd. When I turned on the news that day and saw it, I was shocked, appalled, sick and very angry. I sat there and shed tears for the whole situation. I watched the video and could not believe what I was seeing. I was literally yelling at the tv, “He can't breathe! Get the hell off of him!”

I know, I know. If you can talk, you can breathe. But what about when his talking started drifting off and when it stopped? What about when he involuntary urinated himself? At what point did these guys not see what they were causing? Were they having a really bad day? Did they have prior dealings with this guy that made them be more aggressive? Were they on a power trip? Did they care? It is senseless to me. Senseless and stupid and the whole thing could have and should have been avoided, in my opinion. I do not care what the situation is, you take the ability to breathe seriously. For every single person. Maybe that's the 911 dispatcher in me talking, I don't know. I'd like to think that's the ethical part of my being talking.

Every single cop that has went through an Academy has been trained how to properly take down and detain a bad guy. Smashing their face into the ground for several minutes and holding the weight of your body with your knee on their neck, back or front, is not the way to do it. I keep thinking about the people standing around taking videos and watching this happen. But then, how do you make a cop stop doing what he is doing?? Rush them and force them to at least take the knee off the guy? Take a risk of being shot? In the least, take a risk of arrest. Pictures of a crowd of people rushing the cops keeps coming to mind. I'm not saying it wasn't a good thing there is video evidence but what were the reasons for stopping and just watching? 5 minutes of fame? A few bucks to be made by the networks? Whatever the reason, we all saw what happened in the end. I would love to know what happened before anyone started their videos. We haven't heard that part of the story yet. I don't know, the whole thing makes me sick.

I keep asking myself, “What would you have done if you were witnessing this situation?” I don't have a good answer. Maybe I would have blown up 911 and told them to get someone there FAST because they are killing this man; that they are holding his face down in the concrete and he is bleeding and saying he can't breathe; given every detail I could have given. I know there is a record of the call then. Not on my phone, but on theirs. I don't know. In the area we live in, we don't see this kind of BS, thankfully, and I hope we never do. Tell me, in the comments, what you would have done. There's no right or wrong answer.

And if the situation isn't bad enough, now there are riots and death threats and who knows what else! These 4 cops have been fired and they WILL go to prison for what they did but remember, before your social media law degree gets rolled out (we all have our own opinions and most of them are probably the same), keep in mind they also get due process. Just like any other criminals. I would about bet those guys are saying goodbye to their loved ones right now. You all know how I feel about law enforcement and I will never apologize for that. But this....this can not be condoned. This is a huge example of “bad cop.”

I know I shouldn't have an opinion until all the facts come in...and I still want to know what led up to this take down...but I'm just as human as you are. I have my thoughts and I have my opinions. But as I watched this story...this video, being talked about on CBS This Morning, I was disgusted by Gayle King and her reaction on National television. She is supposed to be better than that. She is supposed to be held in higher regard because she is supposed to be a fact-giver, a reporter, not an opinion-giver. I have never cared for that woman and if it weren't for Oprah Winfrey and her connections, that woman wouldn't be where she is today. I doubt I ever watch that show again. It's okay for her to go on live tv and say “It's open season on black men in America...” She literally had to excuse herself from a segment and “hand it over” because she was so upset. If she was upset, she should have excused herself from the beginning.

Hey Gayle, instead of fueling the problem, try being part of a solution. You have the best platform there is so start educating people instead of condemning those you don't agree with. She needs to read some statistics on racial crimes. Another senseless and stupid thing we have going for us. I don't care what color this man was; he didn't deserve what he got. But I'm not going to get into that because this country is fueled enough by race. That would be a whole other blog that I'm not willing to get into at this time.

So, because some cops made some clearly bad choices, I am not going to hold that against all the good cops out there. And there are far more good ones than there are bad ones. The same goes for doctors, nurses, educators, and clergy men. There are good ones and there are bad ones. But I am not going to hate all of them for the actions of a few.

Now that I have that off my chest, I will address that second paragraph from the top. Good ole Facebook. You do make me dislike people. Some days I think I need to get off of it for good and then I remember all the people I love that I don't get to see on a day-to-day basis and how it keeps us in touch. So there's that. There was a girl that I went to school with and we were good friends. She was always fun to be around and we may or may not have gotten into our fair share of trouble. Key word there “MAY.” Over the years, we lost contact with each other and went on about our lives. Several times I contacted family to try to get back into contact with her and each time was met with “She doesn't want anything to do with Bedford people.” That hurt.

For years, I wondered what her real friends had ever done to her that was so awful. I LOVED hanging out with this gal! So now, thank you Facebook, we have become reconnected. She has a good job and a great family and loves her God “faithfully.” The reason for the quotation is this. Whenever something comes up in the news about a racial crime, she is the first to throw out words of anger and heat. She wants justice and she wants it now. She doesn't care that there's a due process to go through because she is sickened by anything that makes “her people” look like the bad guy. And they aren't always the bad guy. But sometimes they are. Sometimes “my people,” as she might say, are the bad people too. Anybody can be good and anybody can be bad. The color of your skin doesn't decide that. Actions do. How is that faith working out for you? Don't preach it if you can't live by it.

Needless to say, we are no longer Facebook friends because I just don't want to see that hatred all over the page when I am there to have fun and laugh with my friends. There is so much negativity in our world already. I don't want it shoved down my throat every day. I have already lost one friend from childhood over politics and I'm not willing to risk it again. It's easier to unfriend and love the person than it is to hold my tongue for months and then say something out of rage. And I do still love her and love our memories. I always will. Just like the other gal that doesn't agree with me on politics. But I hope, since this gal is an educator, that she would think twice about what she posts in a very public forum because she too, is held in higher regard by many people.

I have another friend, whom I have known practically his whole life and he is super impressive when it comes to writing so I hope he addresses the issue about this whole mess in Minnesota. I am patiently waiting. You know who you are.

Stop being a butt

Hey, 30 more days of "social distancing," "self-isolation," and "quarantine."  I've about had it and I'm not even stuck at home.  I don't need toilet paper.  I don't need groceries.  What I need is some time with my family and friends.  This is ridiculous.  I need some human interaction!  No offense to my husband and puppers but dang it, with us not being able to go anywhere, they have all found out where my last nerve is (it's in the neck and it really, really, super hurts!) and they all can't wait to poke at it.  They don't even use a stick but then, that would probably hurt worse.

Oh yeah, we have a pregnant dog and a pregnant cat at home too.  So there will be more headaches and hair pulling (on me, by me) soon to come.

As I ponder the whole Coronavirus situation and what we are going to think and say about it 10-20 years down the road, there's a piece of me that cries "I am just a little bit jealous of those people that get to say home and do whatever they want, with no time restrictions or deadlines.  I want to do that!"  And then common sense rolls back around and says "You would go C-R-A-Z-Y if you had to stay in your home 24/7!"  I think the first paragraph told us this already.

While I do enjoy going to work and being able to stay working, it is SO FRUSTRATING to see people out together.  I don't mean families that live together, I mean people that will travel down the road and pull up next to each other, get out and HUG each other.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I see it almost daily at gas stations when I am driving by.  What are we learning from this social distancing experience?  Apparently a number of us are learning NOTHING.  ZERO.  ZILCH.  NADA.  And while they are learning big on that, I get to bathe myself eight times a day and dress up in what little hand sanitizer I already had on hand.  I have plenty.  Thanks for the offer, though.

Inside, I get angry at a lot of people but I do try to keep my head about me and think about the situation.  The reason I get angry is because people can't see that they need to do this; they need to stay home as much as possible.  The longer it takes for people to get their heads out of their asses, the longer this whole thing is going to take.  Just the other day, a convenience store worker said to me "This has all been blown out of proportion."  I didn't know what to say at first and I just walked away with a soft, "Oh yeah Karen, we shut down the world for overkill."  Believe what you will, I guess.

The way we have been handling this is not the way to do it.  Obviously, if it did work, we wouldn't have been handed another 30 day prize now, would we?  Stop going to your sister's house.  Stop going to your parents' house.  Stop going to visit your cousins and best friends.  Stop putting people at risk.  Older people, younger people, all people.

Stop thinking about yourself and start putting others first.  This shouldn't be a pandemic lesson either.  That right there is a life lesson.  Always put the love of others before yourself and be kind.  Buying up all those rolls of toilet paper isn't being kind either ya'll.  Maybe if people could keep their heads on straight and tight, there would be enough to go around.  Don't worry about us though.  We have all sorts of things we can wipe our butts with.  Leaves, husbands socks, cleaning rags, husbands shirts.  I can come up with many, many ideas.

BUTT....see what I did there???  How about those people that can't get around very well?  How about those people that are already sick and have other health issues that can't just go out to ole Wally World any time they get the notion?  If you went out and hoarded a bunch of toilet paper and hand sanitizer and medical supplies and bleach and bread and milk and eggs and.....I could go on all day with this list.....whatever else people will need, you will never be able to convince me that it was right.  These are the times we need to be considerate of others.  Be kind.  Get only what you need for right now and go home.  You can go back next week or next month and get some more. 

The way the people of this country have acted since this pandemic started has saddened my heart and it makes me sick.  I still relate what my dad used to say, "You don't have to respect the President but you need to respect the office of President."  I have always, always, always done that.  No matter how vile the President was at the time.  So now I say to you, "You don't have to respect yourself.  (You should but you don't have to)  but you need to respect others."  This is the time in our lives that we need to get only what we NEED, do only what we HAVE to, and put those wants on the back burner.

Call people.  Write letters to people.  Send cards to people.  Color pictures and hang in your window.  Get the sidewalk chalk out and dress up the sidewalk or the driveway.  Facetime or video chat with your family and friends for now.  I will tell you this much, it will sure make you appreciate them more.  I hate it when people tell me I can't do something but this time, someone could die if I don't listen and I am not having that on my conscience.  Could you have it on your conscience?

I know there is more that I could scream about but I'm not going to.  Typing is a whole lot funner to do than crying and crying seems to be what everyone wants to do right now.  AloneTogether.  Think about that and remember, we are all in this together.  We can do this. Please help me have hope in the American people and keep your butts at home and keep to yourself if you can't seem to get along with whoever is in that house with you.  Compromise and sacrifice.  We all have it in us.

Don't we?

Sometimes I wear my work shirt to bed

I am going to apologize in advance for whatever may happen here today.  This blog has been forming in my mind for a little while so I thought it was about time to get it all out.  I would also like to say up front that this blog is not about getting sympathy, thanks, attention and it is not about preaching to anyone.  Well, maybe at the end...if you make it there.  I don't like to talk about things that bother me but this is one way I can do it without feeling like I am burdening anyone.  We all need someone to talk to, right?  Well here I am.  Talking to you now.

Sometimes it is really hard to come to work.  Most days I look forward to it though.  I can't wait to see what will happen on my shift.  I can't wait to see if I can handle whatever is thrown at me.  I anticipate the challenges that could and just might come my way.  One ring of the phone and we're off to the races!  That is most days.  It is those "sometimes" that seem to trip me up.  It is those "sometimes" that all I can think about are those things that have happened in years past; months past; days past; and not just from working in dispatch but all of life's tragedies.

Sometimes when I talk to people...and I will interject here that it is NEVER small town people.  Never people that I know or have known for years.  I'm talking about when I go to a bigger city.  When I talk to strangers...and I tell them that I am a dispatcher.  I usually get the same old thing and I'm telling you...it's old!  "Oh you answer phones all day!" or "So, you're a secretary for cops?"  I used to just shake my head and walk away because it was just easier than pointing out the facts that some people don't or can't understand.

I was going to start listing everything we do when the proverbial shit hits the fan but I'm not going to do that. We could be here for days if I do that.  But I will say that we have two stations and on those two stations, we have multiple radios that we are learning to use new technology on all the time, we have 911 phones as well as admin phones with multiple lines, we have (just in our office currently) 8 monitors that we have to keep an eye on mostly all the time, and several programs on those screens that need our attention at any given time. 

We have multiple fire departments and ambulances to page out and keep track of what they are doing; all while we are doing the other things that have to be done.  And then we get to tack on the weather because that is something we always have an abundance of, right?  Downpours, fog, ice, snow, tornadoes, floods.  And if we're lucky, we get to do jail duties through it all, when a jailer is not scheduled.  So the list just keeps going.  Sounds fun, huh?

But, that isn't what this blog is about.  What this is about is that we are human beings behind that phone, behind that screen and we work our tails off.  We come back every day because we care to.  It's what is within us.  And while that seems to be noble on the outside, think about what we carry with us on the inside.  The things that stay with us for days, months, years, the rest of our lives.  The things we hear and sometimes can never stop hearing.

Sometimes when we pick up the phone, we get to hear hate and venom spew out of people's mouths.  And usually it is directed right at us simply because we answered the phone.  I realize the majority of the time it isn't meant to be directed at us but when a situation gets heated, it's hard to control your emotions no matter who you are talking to. 

Sometimes when we pick up the phone, we get blamed because we can't get help to someone fast enough.  We need to get information so we can pass it along to the people that need to come help you.  We don't just ask you questions because we're bored.  We have ways to deal with boredom right here without your help.  The more details a dispatcher can get about a call, the better the call will be.  You never know what teeny tiny detail you give a dispatcher can be an "Aha!" moment for the people working the call.  People can be very full of rage for many different reasons and they can get quite vulgar toward the person they are talking to on the phone and again, I realize it is usually misplaced anger.  But still.....we feel that.

I can't tell you how many times I have wished to be able to pass through the phone line to get to my caller; some to hug, others to punch.

Sometimes when we pick up the phone and we hear someone completely beside themselves, barely able to talk to us, because they have just found their spouse, significant other, parent or child unresponsive.  Those calls are hard ones because immediately your heart is going out to that caller and your first instinct is to get them help and get someone to them to help them get through this ordeal.  I promise you, we are working as fast as we can to get help to you and your loved one.

Not long ago, our neighboring county had multiple officers shot and it happened within our county.   Never in my life will I ever forget the sound of that dispatcher saying they have officers down.  As quickly as I could get my foot on the mic pedal to get my people, and many others headed that way, a lot of emotions were already starting to surface.  I was immediately pissed off and scared for those guys.  My hands and my voice were shaking and I remember my jailer asking if I needed him to take over.  "This is what we train for" is all I could hear myself say. 

And then, when everyone is on scene and doing all they need to do, we get to sit and wait.  We wait for any bit of news.  Any information on who is hurt, how badly they are hurt, what is going on?  Radio silence is by far the worst sound in the world for me, and I'm sure many others.  Sometimes, the not knowing hurts more than anything.  See those guys that were involved, they weren't my local people but they are my people.  Their lives are just as important to me as my own local guy's lives.  And no matter how mad I get at them (and I do get mad at them), I will always care and I will always be here for them. 

I have heard a lot of dispatchers...usually from bigger departments...say that the hardest part of this job is the not knowing, after a call is done.  I am blessed to work with the guys that I do because they share what they can, knowing I need that closure as much as anybody else.  Nobody wants to spend a week reading a great book, only to get to the last chapter and it wasn't ever written.  We work hard for these calls and we deserve to know what happens after we hang up.

It is nothing for a dispatcher to experience many, if not all, emotions during one shift and I'll tell you how I handle that.  Not anybody else, just me.  If I leave work and I'm angry and full of rage, I will hold that in until I get to my safe place...my husband...and that poor guy gets unloaded on.  It took him a while but he understand now that none of it is directed at him; I just need him to listen and understand where I'm coming from AND to tell me if I'm angry for the wrong reasons.  I tell ya, he doesn't get paid near enough for putting up with me some days. 

When I leave work happy, I turn up the radio and either open the sun roof or put the windows down.  I sing as loud and as proud as I can.  It doesn't matter if it's 20 below, that sun roof will be open on my way home if need be.  The nights when it's been emotional turmoil, I cry all the way home.  I used to live five minutes from work so I got a good little cry in but now I live 35 minutes away and sometimes am lucky to get two cries in before getting home.  By then I'm exhausted and ready to wind down. 

Then there are those rare, "sometimes" nights that send me home anxious and physically sick to my stomach.  Like I said, these are rare.  At least for me they are.  It takes a lot to really "get" to me but recently it did.  Sometimes you just have to stop on the side of the road and leave your feelings right there.  These are the nights I need to sleep in my work shirt.  I can not get comfort any other way when sleep finally comes.  And sometimes that takes days.
 
The percentage of days that I cry going to or coming home from work is much greater than the days I get to sing to the stars.  Sometimes I will hear a song on the radio and it will trigger a memory of something that has happened at work.  This is why I usually don't like to listen to country music.  That stuff is tragic for bad news and heart break!!  Sometimes it's the overload of days past that catches up with me.  I try to outrun those moments but it's not always easy.  You know the saying "You can run but you can't hide."  It's true.

I can drive down a country road, the interstate, or even a highway in my area and see exactly where I had been on scene with a deputy and remember any horrific detail from that call.  I will remember the anxiety I felt when we were going there, the mad rush to do anything that can be of help, and what the scene looked like.  Sometimes I can remember distinct smells from a call.  Gasoline, oil, grass, fire, and sometimes even death.  That's why I like to do ride-alongs.  For the rush of the business. 

You are probably thinking that I shouldn't be riding along to calls if it is going to affect me but I live for it.  I love all the feelings that go with this job; even the bad feelings.  If I didn't know what bad felt like, how would I appreciate all the good?

All dispatchers have calls that infuriate us.  9-1-1 hang ups from a phone that can ONLY call 9-1-1 or an unattended child playing with a phone.  While I am on the phone trying to ask your 1 year old child to give the phone to mommy or daddy, someone else is needing to call me on that 9-1-1 line.  For the love of bacon, if your old phone has a battery in it, it can call 9-1-1.  It does not have to be hooked up to any service.  Read this, let this soak in, understand it and be proactive about it.  I could go on all day about the different types of calls we get but I'm not going to do that either.  Aint nobody got time for that!

I am pretty good about handling stuff, I think.  I have a few calls that have bothered me over the years.  I had a guy call 9-1-1 because he was having a hard time breathing.  I could barely get his address from him and the more time passed, the worse he was getting.  I stayed on the line with him and he tried to talk between gasps and gulps.  I kept telling him not to talk but to concentrate on breathing until an ambulance got to him.  It took a couple of minutes but he said his wife and children were upstairs asleep and he didn't want them to know what was going on.  Seriously!  Sympathy and heart break for this man and then I was pissed off.  See how those emotions turn at a moments notice???  While I did let EMS know this information, I could not keep a promise to this man that his family wasn't going to be woken up. 

Once, I was on the phone with a guy that had fallen asleep driving down the interstate.  He hit a cable barrier and had called 9-1-1.  He was trying to get his bearings to tell me where he was at when he was hit by another car.  Another sound I will never, ever forget.  I have never wanted to be transported to a different place more than I did that night.  Luckily for him, things turned out to be okay.  It probably took longer for me to recover than it did for him.

Another time, we had a terrible snow storm and I was working the overnight shift.  It was the worst snowstorm since I started working here actually.  A lady that did not speak much English kept calling 9-1-1 because she and her baby were stuck in a truck on a county road that wasn't in our county but close to it.  I can't even remember how many times I paged and re-paged services to try to get to her.  No law enforcement or fire department could get through the drifts. 

It is a terrible feeling to not be able to get help to someone.  It took several hours and it felt like days, but the neighboring county was able to get somebody to her and her child and get them to warmth and safety.  I'm not sure if it was on my blog or on my Facebook where I posted about the show 9-1-1 on Fox and there was an earthquake and they were having to tell people they could not get help to them.  It brought me to tears.  I was sobbing. 

I will do just about anything to get help to anybody that I can in an emergency situation.  In the past twelve months, I have had way too many calls where I can not find enough emergency services to cover what I need.  It's not that we didn't have enough services; it is that so much was going on, there wasn't enough to go around.  And that terrifies me for those that need it.

I know I'm rambling.  I need to wrap this up.  For those of you that are friends with a dispatcher, keep in mind that we don't usually want to talk about work when we are out with you or are on the phone with you (and if we answer the phone, consider yourself lucky because we get sick of that thing).  We like to keep those conversations close with our work families.  If you want your dispatcher friend to flourish and be mentally healthy, talk to them about anything but work and IF they want to talk about something that happened there, let them come to you and just listen.  Don't ask them! 

And don't...I repeat DO NOT use your dispatcher friends to your own advantage.  It will bite you in the ass.  It is not our jobs to keep our friends out of jail.  We like to think we are friends with people smarter than that.

And just in case you don't know this, when something awful happens at work, we have a chance to go to something called a debriefing, where we can talk about our feelings connected with the call; talk about things that we can't just talk to anyone and everyone about.  We just don't all choose to do it this way because for some of us...okay for this dispatcher...it makes it all that much worse.

And there is just one more thing I want to add to this post.  This is going to sound preachy.  If you don't like it, leave.  Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya cause it's getting real here at the end. 

You are not invincible and if you die behind the wheel, for any reason, you are leaving a lot of people hurting in this world.  Parents, children, spouses, family, friends and so much more.  Distracted driving is killing us.  Literally.  Put your phones away and concentrate on the road.  Your kids are cute but that Snapchat you are taking while driving down the road isn't worth yours or their life. 

AND, I can not stress this enough...if you feel you must drink beyond your limit, do the right thing and get a ride home with a sober driver.  It is not fair to risk the lives of other people because of your ego.  I think we all know how we would feel if our loved one got hurt, or worse, from a drunk driver so the next time you are out drinking, think about it and do the right thing.

I'm off my soapbox and my fingerprints have been worn off the ends of my fingers.  Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

In the words of Luke Bryan, "I believe most people are good."

Thanks for listening <3