My anger

**Here's my disclaimer** THERE WILL BE A LOT OF ANGER AND SWEARING FROM THIS POINT ON AND I AM GOING TO SAY A WHOLE LOT OF MEAN THINGS**

My original goal was to blog ONLY about Sgt. Beminio and Officer Martin and leave that miserable, hate-filled son-of-a-bitch's name out of it altogether.  But I can not.  I feel like my insides are going to burst if I don't get all of this bad stuff out.  I feel like I am going to end up not liking a whole lot of likable people if I don't.

Scott Michael Greene.  That low-life coward that took the lives of two heroes for absolutely no reason other than that they were cops.  You are pathetic Mr. Greene and I hope you rot in hell.  You ambushed and murdered them as they sat in their cars.  They were out there serving and protecting.  They were willing to lay their lives down for anybody, including you.  And you robbed them.

You robbed their parents, spouse, siblings, children, grandparents, and many, many more people that loved them.  These men were real people with lives outside of their jobs...and you destroyed all of that.  You are a monster and I hope you get yours in the end.

Officer Justin Martin, Urbandale Police Officer, 24 years old and just starting out in life.  Close-knit with his family and friends and loved God and life.  Leaving behind his parents and little brother.  I got the "honor" of celebrating Justin's life the other day and I can tell you it was beautiful.  This young man really knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it.

Sergeant Beminio was 39 years old and had been a police officer for the past 11 years.  He has a family as well.  A wife and three children that, I'm sure wake up every morning hoping that they just had the worst nightmare of their lives.  There is nothing we can do to bring Tony back and no words will ever comfort them the way they need comfort. I got the "honor" of celebrating Tony's life as well and I will never forget either of these two men and the sacrifice they made for the good of the people.

On Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016, you Mr. Greene decided you were above the law and decided to make your own rules.  You decided that pulling the trigger on some innocent target was your choice to make.  

Let's talk a little bit about this asshat...this cowardly son-of-a-bitch that wasn't man enough to give Justin or Tony a chance to defend themselves.  Yeah, let's talk about him.  The man described as combative in a previous encounter with police.  Now, I know that things get heated and just because somebody gets angry or even physical once or twice when the police are around or when the police get called, it doesn't necessarily mean they are mental or that they have a problem.  But this guy...yeah, this guy makes me even more angry at my Governor for taking away all the mental health facilities in my state.  As if I needed any more ammo to throw his way!

Greene has a history of abrasive and radically charged run-ins with the law and with school officials.   Greene was recently kicked out of Urbandale's high school football stadium after claiming that some spectators stole his Confederate Flag that he brought to the game. A flag that he was previously told was not allowed on the school grounds.  This happened in October of this year.  Check it out.  Just weeks before he decided to kill two innocent police officers!!  RED FLAG.

Most of the Urbandale PD has dealt with him on one level or another.  Chief McCarty told reporters that "They've taken trips to his house or delivered service to him."  After the shootings, agents were reportedly "scouring" social media pages connected to Greene.  There was a Facebook page that included friends who are Iraqi, Nigerian, or Saudi nationals.  McCarty also went on to say that his department has had previous run-ins with Greene, which included some indirect threats to the Urbandale schools.  RED FLAG.

Let's go back to 2014.  In April of that year, Greene faced a harassment charge after he called a man the N-word and then threatened to kill him.  "I will kill you, (expletive) kill you," according to the complaint.  Greene was charged with first degree harassment but pleaded guilty to a lesser harassment charge on June 30th, 2014, and was sentenced to one year of probation.  That same month, Greene was charged with interference with official acts when he resisted an attempt by officers to pat him down for weapons at an Urbandale residence.  The officers wanted to search Greene after noticing that he had a pouch on his belt that resembled a holster.  Their report states that Greene was "non-compliant, hostile, combative and made furtive movements towards his pockets" before the arrest.  Greene is also "known to go armed."  Two weeks later, Greene pleaded guilty to this charge.  RED FLAG.

A probation officer who oversaw Greene following the harassment arrest, wrote in a June 2015 report that he received a mental health evaluation and was taking recommended medications.  At least one court document suggests Greene struggled with a mental health issue.  RED FLAG.

Back to recent events.  This one just makes me shake my head.  Greene told people in his neighborhood that he helped thwart a burglary in the early morning hours of October 27th.  Just six days before he made his final mistake.  Greene said he was walking a dog a little before 05:00 and noticed a strange vehicle near a store in the area that was across the street from his mother's house and he called 911.  The burglary was confirmed and...get this...Officer Martin...Officer Justin S. Martin...the slain Urbandale Police Officer...was the responding officer.  I feel almost creeped out about how these events happened.  The store owner said that the young officer was "as good as gold" in helping through the situation.  I think I have read this paragraph five times now because...what are the fucking odds??  

Greene told the shop owner that he wished he was able to confront the suspect, then showed a baton.  The shop owner said that Greene "whacks out this telescoping baton and said "Well, first I'll break their collarbone, and if that doesn't' work they get to meet Mr. 9mm."  Greene told the shop owner how he was armed all the time and was a stress victim from the military.  RED FLAG.

Greene lived with his mother and seemed to have a rocky relationship with her.  A neighbor had said that Greene "spiraled into a depression after his Vietnam veteran father died from cancer in 2010 and that his mother, Patricia, has been trying to support him.  Patricia moved out of the house after a recent fight that resulted in a serious misdemeanor domestic charge that was filed against her.  Greene called the police on October 16th to report that his mother had slapped him in the face after an argument they had about a service dog living in the house.  Patricia is scheduled for an arraignment on November 30th.  I would about walk her to court myself and shake her hand and sit down right beside her.  And smile.  And then we would go out for lunch.  My treat.  She should've knocked him the fuck out when she had a chance.

Apparently, there are three kids out there that belong to Greene.  I hope for their sake, they don't acknowledge him or this.  The things people will say or do to them.  Our world is crazy, ungrateful, and mean on any given day.  To have something like this hanging over your head would be awful.  My sincere prayers go out to his children and his mother.  I can not imagine what they are having to hide from at this point just to live a somewhat normal life.  

A lot of red flags up there, huh?  Now you see what I mean about not trusting anybody anymore.  And now you see what I mean when I say that the State of Iowa is in DIRE need of mental health services and facilities.  This man has needed professional help for many years but the options we have in our State are nill.  Thank you Governor Branstad!  These shootings did not have to happen and they may have been avoided if he could have just gotten the help he needed.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find beds in mental health facilities in this state?  I will give you a small glimpse into what we go through in our county.  We almost had to take someone to Chicago a short while ago because there were NO beds in Iowa to help our own people!!

It almost looked like I was giving Mr. Greene a little bit of sympathy up there, didn't it?  Well, rest assured I wasn't.  And I never will.  Forever a coward in my book and his name will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.  Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way but I really don't care.  If I don't put it out there, I will hold it inside and I don't think that is going to be very healthy for me or anyone around me.

Matter of fact, I was going to put this blog off for a few more days.  Something inside of me wanted to hold this anger in and let it fester.  I wanted it to explode so that when I finally did let loose, the lashing would be hard and fast.  And then my sister posted something on Facebook that I wasn't expecting.

A tribute to these fine men When I heard "This is my last call..." I broke.

As I watched this, I found tears starting to well up in my eyes.  Next thing I knew they were streaming down my cheeks and by the end of the video, I was sitting in my chair sobbing for these men and their families.  Sobbing because the very people that I stand for and love with all of my heart, have to watch their own backs from the very monsters they are out there to protect.  My heart literally wrenching in pain because I know I will crumble into a heap if this madness ever reaches us.  

And just like that...my soul is starting to mend.  It's going to take a while because I still hurt and I still cry...but it's mending.  And that's all that matters.  I think this gal needs a day away and it's coming very soon.

Thanks for reading.



  

Fallen but not Forgotten ~ Justin Martin

I'm pretty sure that no matter how often you go to these things, they will never get any easier.  And it doesn't even matter if you personally know the people.  You just need to know what was in their hearts.  It seems I have finally went from the mourning process and now am at the angry level.  Going to two funerals in as many days for something that didn't have to happen.  I have a feeling that this angry level isn't going to fare very well for me.  I've said it before and I will say it again... I look at people differently now.  Even people I have known my whole life.  I find myself studying strangers in public places.  I watch how they interact with others around them and how they carry themselves.  In my heart of hearts, I feel it is just easier to stay in my house or at work, away from everyone else.

I did not personally know Officer Justin Martin but after that service, I feel like I do now.

**As with the previous blog, I have posted a link at the bottom if you would like to go watch the complete service.  It's about an hour and a half and it's very moving.  You won't regret it.**

Tuesday, November 8th, 2016, I attended my second (and hopefully last) active law enforcement funeral.  There were few things the same about either one when it came down to specifics.  One in a church and one in a school.  But it's the similarities that I would like to hit on for a second.  If you remember in my previous blog, I spoke about how WDMPD parked us and thanked us and how I thought that was so nice?  Well, whoever was in charge of getting all of these law enforcement vehicles parked in such a way that it wasn't a clusterf*** was nothing short of amazing.

As we pulled into the parking area, those directing us to the appropriate section not only smiled at us but they all waved.  Not such a big deal, huh?  Well, they were there for the same reason we were and it wasn't a good occasion at all.  We were there to support those that lost one of their own.  And they were gracious enough to put a smile on their faces and be the generous hosts that they would want if the tables were turned.  That right there told me that we were in great company once again.

It was a hometown feel if it was anything.

When we walked up to the school, we were met by what seemed like a sea of men and women in uniform.  There was law enforcement, Conservation, Fire Dept., EMS, Reserves, Honor Guards, Dept Public Safety, Iowa Law Enforcement Academy staff, Iowa State Patrol as well as Highway Patrol from many other states, Canines, Chaplains, Corrections Officers, and Dispatchers.  Iowa represented well, and were accompanied by many other states.  Louisiana, Texas, Wisconsin, Kansas, Illinois, Arizona, New York, Nebraska, Missouri, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota and there were probably several more that I did not see.

In typical Shellie fashion, we walked into the gymnasium and said "You got two chairs for two dispatchers?"  And boom, there we sat...in the faculty section on the floor.  How's that for service?  These people were great!  And we sat next to a wonderful couple that were very friendly and kind.  She was Justin's first grade teacher and is currently substituting for Justin's mother's class while she is out.  

Everybody stood for not only Justin's blood family but also for their blue family.  And stood for a long time.  Not all the people that were there to pay respects got to come inside due to lack of space but we all would have stood for them if they would have gotten the chance.  The overflow, which was a hallway outside the gymnasium, was also full of people.  Someone told me there were close to 300 people outside watching the service on a big-screen.  Simply amazing.

The service started with the bagpipes.  Always beautiful and always sad, in my opinion.  Wouldn't want it any other way though.  I have went back and listened to them play a few times and as much as I don't like them, they give me some kind of security.  I haven't yet decided if that tune is creepy or calming.

The service was started as close to the time of 11:40 as possible, honoring Justin's badge number 1140.  You got to hand it to them, that was a great idea!

Pastor Anita Bane spoke on behalf of Justin's family, thanking all the officers for serving and then a gentleman (forgive me, I can't remember his name) sang what seemed to be his personal version of Amazing Grave that ended up being a tribute to Officer Martin that went from joking about tattoos to telling about his love for God and how Justin always tried to do what was right.

Chief Ross McCarty, Urbandale Police said, "We hired Justin because, as with the rest of the men and women I work with at UPD, he was a man of integrity.  We were not prepared to have Justin's life stolen from us."  And his voice cracked and I thought he wasn't going to be able to finish but he did and with flair.  Chief McCarty spoke of how Justin was a committed eagle scout and how he lived a good Christian life.  He spoke about how in law enforcement we are all "a big loving dysfunctional family."  Boy, did he ever hit that nail on the head.

Officer Brady Farrington, fellow officer and friend of Justin, badge number 1139, gave a tearful tribute.  He describes Justin as a gentle giant.  "He was a kind soul, hard worker, a fierce competitor, studious academic, a loving son and grandson, dutiful brother, respectful listener, and a professional protector."  After he spoke, he went over and hugged the Martin family and it was so moving.  You could literally feel the love.

The final call.  Dang it, why wasn't I prepared for that?  It gets me every single time and I was so involved in what was going on that I didn't even think about that coming up.  But when it did, I couldn't hold back any longer.  I just let the tears fall.  There is just something so heartbreaking to hear a unit's number called out and nobody is there to answer the call.

Procession took over 50 minutes to go through town, winding around to all of Justin's favorite places while growing up.  People standing alongside the road waving.  That was a humbling experience in itself.  Justin was transported in an old fashioned hearse that was amazing to see.  The cemetery was beautiful and was the first time I had ever seen the doves being released.  Of course there were more bagpipes and the trumpet was played but it was all fitting and very beautiful.

I am honored to have been a part of this young man's tribute to life and I'm sure so many others are as well.  Like I said, I hope I never have to do this again.  Working with law enforcement seems to be where I was meant to be.  I fought it and fought it and finally just "gave up" and gave in.  That was the best thing I could have done and I'm glad I waited so I could be fitted with the right family.

This week will forever be etched in my heart as something awful, mind-numbing, earth-shattering, crazy, awesome, and amazing; all at the same time.  Thanks for reading.

http://www.kcci.com/article/full-coverage-funeral-of-officer-justin-martin/8259493

Fallen but never Forgotten Anthony Beminio

Every day I cry myself to sleep.  I can't get past it.  I don't look at anyone the same anymore. I feel myself not trusting anybody's motives, their movements, their intentions.  I hope this comes back to me.  I feel like my soul has literally been crushed.  Physical and emotional pain and there is no way of making it go away.  

I didn't know Sgt. Beminio so I can't really put my finger on why this cuts so deep.  I'm not sure if it is simply because it's so close to home or if I just can't take any more of this.  This war on our police.  About half a second into the "what if that was one of my own..." literally, half a second in...I'm tearing up.  This has been my last thought of the day every day for the past six days.  And it has also been the first thought when I wake up.  Losing one of my own...any of my own...will shatter my world.  These people are my family.  

But don't mistake that for fear.  All of those that I call "my own," are damn well capable and very good at their jobs.  I'm not scared of the bad guy winning as much as I'm terrified of doing my job without any of them.  Because I feel that without "my own," I have no place here.  They are the reason I come back to work every day.

**I provided a link at the end if you are interested in watching the whole, incredible service. Not only did I attend this funeral, but I have watched it on the screen since.  And I will probably watch it a time or two more.*  I refuse to open my phone during a funeral to take video or pictures.  I do not feel it is my place and if you choose to do that, it is solely on you.  I found there were many more things to be grateful for than snapping a photo of a nation of men and women grieving.  That's what the film crew was for.  So this is just a short recap of the "incredible crazy" that I was honored to be a part of.

Monday, November 7th, 2016, I attended my first active law enforcement funeral.  I had a friend try to prepare me for what I was about to go through and what I would need to get through it.    Kleenex, mints and ibuprofen.  Erica, you are priceless and I love you.  Thank you times a million.

When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by West Des Moines PD, who were directing cars to the appropriate parking spaces and THEY thanked us for coming and by the look on their faces, they could not have meant it more. Their compassion started from the time I pulled into that church parking lot until the time I left and I felt "safe and at home."  Wearing our work uniforms, we were welcomed to go downstairs and join the "other officers" and get our flowers and walk in with the rest of them.  We chose to sit in the general area because this was about Tony and the rest of the officers. We just wanted to support them.  They tried to seat us in the area of the Des Moines Dispatchers but again, no.  Don't think it wouldn't have been an honor to sit with those who showed exemplary patience and skill that horrific night, because I would love to hug them, but it wasn't our place.

We were lucky enough to be seated in an area that, when it was all said and done, our own guys were literally six rows ahead of us and when I felt like I was going to burst into tears, I would just look at the one deputy that was straight ahead of me.  Knowing he was there was enough comfort for me. Those guys may have been six rows away from me but they were close enough to help me keep my composure.  That says a lot for them.  I can't give them enough credit no matter what they do.

The endless line of officers, walking two-by-two.  Law Enforcement, Fire Departments, Border Patrol, Conservation, Military....you name it, they were there.  And watching every one of them pass by and salute Sgt. Beminio was entrancing.  Witnessing such an outpouring of love and commitment, not only to Tony, but to law enforcement itself.

Something that has always been very hard for me is to see grown men cry.  From the first time I saw my dad cry in preparation of his mother's funeral, to the first time I saw my brother cry in preparation of our dad's funeral, to this...my first active law enforcement funeral; where I witnessed man-after-man and woman-after-woman, weep for their brother in blue that were taken way too soon.

Chief Dana Wingert spoke about Tony and what an exemplary officer he was.  I'm not sure how he kept it all together so amazingly well while he spoke of his friend but his love and compassion for the Beminio family was proudly evident.  The one thing he said that rings over and over in my head is this, "Tony Beminio is part of an organization that just won't quit."  He's right and I don't think I will ever forget that line.

Sounds of Silence ~ Disturbed  Pastor Mike Householder shared that the lyrics to this song were written by Paul Simon when he was 21 years old.  He wrote them just a few months after President Kennedy was assassinated to express his pain, sadness, and grief.  So beautiful.  Give it a listen.  Please.  You will not be sorry.

The bag pipes.  One of the most beautiful sounds but also one of the hardest to hear.  Just like the trumpet.  Hearing TAPS about brings me to my knees.  I love it and hate it all at the same time.  And then the most amazing version of Amazing Grace I have ever heard.  It may have been the first time in my adult life that I didn't cry when it was sang.  Simon Estes, Des Moines native and internationally acclaimed opera singer, sang The Lord's Prayer.  I had heard it before but to hear it in person is a whole new experience. 

What is a Policeman ~ Paul Harvey  If you haven't heard this by now, you truly need to hear it.  And I mean listen!  Every single person that thinks a cops job is easy, listen to these words.
The final call.  This tears me up every time.  And if you think hearing it is hard, imagine how hard it is to say it over the air without blubbering.  Kudos to that awesome dispatcher that got the honor to do that.

At the end of the service, Des Moines PD stood and they literally took my breath away.  I know they are a big organization but WOW.   That beautiful sea of men and women standing and saying goodbye to one of their own...  DMPD, you are amazing and I hope you know you have the support of so many.  Not just through this bad time but through all of them.

Due to time restraints and having to be at work, we could not go to the cemetery for Sgt. Beminio's burial, but we did get to see the hundreds of vehicles that made up the procession.  I can only imagine what it was like for them to drive through Des Moines, seeing all their supporters and mourners alongside the road and on the overpasses, with their signs and thin blue lines.  

Once again, I urge you to thank your local law enforcement.  Their job is not easy and they take a lot of guff from the public on any given day for the littlest of flaws.  I plan to honor "my own" till the day I die.  Thanks for reading.

*Complete coverage of Anthony Beminio funeral

The past 24 hours

For the past 24 hours, I have been trying to form this blog in my head.  It has changed several times since I first heard the words from one of my officers to the other, "Two officers shot in Des Moines."  I was already off work but I was still there and I knew there was no way I could leave the office anytime soon.  When I hear stuff like that, my body and mind react and I have no control over it.  I want to know what is going on.  I want to know three minutes ago what is going on now.  As a dispatcher, I either have to wait until after a call to know what happened or I just never know.  The latter isn't very fun but it comes with the job and I have just gotten used to it.  But this.....

Two officers shot and killed in their patrol vehicles; ambushed by a coward; for whatever reason.  

For the past 24 hours, I have shed tears for two men that I have never known. I have prayed over and over for their families that I have never met and probably will never meet in my life.  For two men that are and will forever be heroes to me, I will always remember and respect their greatest sacrifice to humankind.

For the past 24 hours, I have thought about so many what-ifs.  What if this happens in my little world?  What if this happens to anybody that I call family?  What if this happens while I am working?  What if this happens while I'm not working?  How am I going to handle it?  How will I know?  These thoughts literally sicken me to my core and it makes me scared for the next call that could come in.  But it will never stop me from coming to work.  It will never make me want to stop helping them. It will never make me stop loving this job and it will never make me stop loving the jobs that these fine people do; day in and day out; protecting and serving those that don't give a shit about them!  

I'm so mad I could scream.  But all that comes out are tears.  It takes everything in me to hold myself together after something like this.  Senseless bullshit.  Our world has gone completely crazy.  I had just told my sister I was glad we grew up in a time when we never had to worry about if our dad would make it home each night.  He didn't even have to carry a gun, for god's sake!  We lived in a jail house and never locked the doors!  The last thing that would ever happen back then is someone coming inside to harm us!  Today, you couldn't count on that.

And now I regularly pray for the spouses, significant others, and the children of all the men and women that I get the pleasure of working with.  I pray that God helps me do whatever I can to help keep these people safe and to get them home at the end of their shift.  Everyday, I pray that today is not the day that they meet some shitbag that thinks they are just a little bit bigger and a little bit tougher and are going to make someone pay for whatever bad thing happened in their personal life.  And I hope you will do the same.  I hope you will pray for our world to come to their senses and stop this madness.  I hope you will stop and say a prayer for your local law enforcement.

If you support law enforcement, show them.  Let them know.  You don't have to go to any extravagant means either.  When you see a law enforcement officer, say hello and thank them; introduce yourself and your child(ren) so that it shows a bond and teaches trust between you and the police; be vigilant and keep a watchful eye out.  After all, these heroes that protect us, sometimes need a little help too.  They are after all, human.  You would be amazed at how appreciative they are to hear a few kind words and to know their community is behind them.

DMPD SGT. ANTHONY BEMINIO ~ EOW 11/2/2016 

URBANDALE PD JUSTIN MARTIN ~ EOW 11/2/2016

Rest in peace, sirs.  We got it from here.

Usually I would ask for feedback but not today.  Today I just want two things.

Say a prayer and then share this blog.