I'm content

I saw this on a Facebook post and thought it was the funniest...

funniest haha AND funniest hmmm...

post that this gal could have chosen

to publicly display.

WHY?

Because literally one week before she posted this thing,

I drove three hours to see her...

only to get this when I called to tell her I was in town

 "I woke up in pain.  

I mean I didn't get any sleep.

I'm not up for company.

I meant to text you last night

but must have forgotten."

OKAY...

Not trying to be a literal bitch here

but what is it?

Did you wake up in pain

OR

did you not sleep?

OR

did you really not have any intentions

of spending time with me.

Because I can accept that answer

just a little bit better.

You can't have it both ways.

JUST KNOW THIS

I don't "chase" nor do I want to be "chased."

You made your choice though.

And I'm okay with it.

The day you let me drive all that distance

without a single thought as to the money I spent

in gasoline;

or the time I took away from other people

that actually DID want to spend time with me,

And

I HAD ONE OF THE BEST DAYS!!

See, I was going to see if I could treat you

and your child to lunch.

I thought we could take a drive around town

and see some places that we used to go to.

I thought we might see a friend or two

that we shared from the "good ole days."

I thought we might stop at a park

and relax and "pick up where we left off."

BUT I DID IT WITHOUT YOU.

I took advantage of the day

and saw so many places,

that were once so special to me.

I walked some malls,

did some window shopping,

AND

ate at a restaurant all by myself.

And I didn't die.

It may not have been the best feeling

sitting there all alone

wondering;

but it sure beats the feeling of

dragging my ass out of bed 

before the crack of dawn

and driving three hours

only to find out that you

couldn't be upfront with me;

that my time wasn't worth your trouble.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm okay.

And I'm tough.

And I learn from all my mistakes.

YOU'RE STILL THERE.

On my friends list

and I have no intentions of removing you.

Because you are always going to be

that reminder

that people can't always trust

people.

AND AGAIN, THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm content in my own company.

Stressing over the little things

I went to a birthday party and someone asked me if I have Social Anxiety Disorder simply because I sat "away" from the crowd.  And that made me laugh.  After all, I haven't found one person that will agree with the fact that I really was a shy little kid growing up so what makes anyone think I get anxiety from people?!  I was shy... (but it's just a sad fact that nobody will have my back on this little tidbit of information about my past) whether anyone believes me or not.  In all seriousness, I like to think I'm a pretty social person but then again, people do tend to irritate me.

Anyway, I recently had an interesting conversation with a dear friend that told me that she loves the idea of going and doing things with her friends and then after making that commitment, gets an almost sick feeling in her stomach because she doesn't want to follow through with it.  Our day away was actually one of those times she felt that way but she forced herself to follow through, work through, and enjoy herself.  Funny thing is that I went through that exact same thing.  Each of us about cancelled on the other but we didn't and we ended up having one of the best days together!!  So many laughs and personal talks.  I wouldn't trade that day for anything!

I wonder though, why we let our anxiety get to us like that?  When we know in our heart of hearts, that we want to spend time with people or a particular person, why do we let that feeling of "oh boy" get to us?  

I have another friend that always tells me she loves the fact that I am not afraid to do anything and not afraid of anything (there is a short list of things I'm afraid of, as we all know) and she wishes she could be more like me.  The real truth of the matter is this:  I am terrified at least once a day about how someone is going to perceive me or look at me.  But I refuse to let that keep me hostage in my own body; in my own home; or my own world.  I force myself to work through it.  At least once a day and some days, many times a day; depending on the situations.

But, on the other side of things.....I am not confident enough (for lack of a better term) with myself to go to a movie alone.  I tried that recently and lost my ticket right before the movie was to start.  If that wasn't a sign from God, I don't know what is!  I am also not confident enough to go to a restaurant and eat a meal by myself.  When a friend of mine (who is freakishly weird about doing both of the above) asked me why I can't do that, it all boils down to how people would perceive me.  Oh Lord, we have had this conversation too many times to count.  

"Why does it matter what people think of you?"

I don't have an answer.  As much as I can tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, it does matter.  I don't want to be that weirdo that has no friends to go out in public with.  Wait...I think I already am that weirdo.  -_-  I guess it's easier to penalize myself and stay home simply because my friends have different schedules than I do.  Sounds stupid, yes; but that's the way it goes.

Where the hell was I going with all of this?  Someone needs to step in and tie this all together.

I have a friend that lives in Kansas City and she and I have had some wild and crazy times.  I haven't seen her for years.  Maybe.....12 years.  I feel the need to see her; to visit her and get to know her again; to refresh my soul and rekindle anything our friendship may have lost.  And as much as I want to see her, the anxiety it brings out in me about makes me cancel the trip.  But I won't.  And I won't let myself think too much about going because I don't want to stress myself out about it.  I will work through this.  And I am excited to see her again.  I can't wait to see her beautiful smile and meet her amazing kids.  Girl, if you are reading this.....I will be there and we will have the time of our lives.  

Does any of this make sense?  Does anyone feel the same sense of "people freak me out but I love them" like I do?  Does anyone else have to mentally force themselves to do public things?  Time to step up and live outside the box.  What's the worst that can happen?

Just a short tidbit about nothing, really.  Just thinking with my fingers again.  Until next time.....have a beautiful day and thanks for reading!

Up close and.....too personal

**WARNING**

**VERY LONG BLOG**

**VERY INTIMATE BLOG**

**YOU MAY BE APPALLED**

**YOU MAY BE SHOCKED**

**YOU MAY BLUSH **

**YOU MAY NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME AGAIN**

So...........I go away for a long time and what do I come back with?

Sex

That is all I could find.  Just the sex.  Well, maybe not ALL I could find; but it was slim pickens!

For this particular blog.....I keep asking myself...and you are probably going to think the sam thing... "What were you thinking???"   Well, I don't know for sure what I was thinking when I thought I would put this together but I have to say this.....I have some pretty great friends to answer these silly questions I came up with.

I was even going to save this for Valentine's Day but.....  Oh, who am I kidding?  It may take me until then to figure this whole thing out!!!  Just humor me here, ok?  This blog was literally started on Thursday, January 14th and here it is Tuesday, March 8th.  I think it's time to get this party put "in the books."  Got your seat belt on???

A while back, I must have signed up for some kind of email that submitted short stories.  I am a sucker for stories.  Especially the short ones.  There was one article called "The man deciding whether to cheat on his sexless relationship" and it caught my eye. To be honest, I would bet at least 6 things went through my mind when I saw that caption but I'm not going to get into that right now.

I can't pinpoint one particular reason why this article caught my eye other than it was about sex and well....I'm kinda weird and funny about it. It is a subject I can talk about all day long.  After reading the article I thought “Well why not do my own blog on the subject” and then the seed was planted.  

CONFESSION #1:  In October.  The seed was planted back in OCTOBER!!!  Yes, it has been a busy season.  Talk about sitting on an egg to keep it warm, huh???

I emailed several of my friends that agreed to participate and promised their anonymity. Their information has been jotted down but that is it.  No names, no email addresses.  All deleted from my files so all I have to do now is make some sense out of this particular information.  I have to be honest though, if I had received an email asking me these questions.....I wouldn't be able to resist.  I would have to have funny answers as well as serious answers.  I can talk about sex all day long.  I never said it was a serious talk!

CONFESSION #2:  Reading their answers makes me look, well.....not-so-great.  My honesty will either put a smile on your face or wipe me clean off your map.  Either way, it's about to get dirty up in here!

I asked several questions of gals (because I didn't know one single man that would take this seriously enough to answer them) ranging in age from early 20's to mid 60's.  I have to say I was quite surprised at how they answered a lot of questions the same.  I guess age doesn't change anything. And if that is the case.....good thing I married a younger man!

A difference of 1 person on my panel tipped the scales of being in a relationship while the other side, due to death or divorce, were not. I asked if these gals considered themselves "sexual" and the majority said yes.  Phew!  

CONFESSION #3:  I will also throw myself into this group.  I have always heard that men think about sex at least once a minute every day. I think someone posted that memo inside my head because I do it too.  Although over half of that time is spent making a mental joke about it.  I never said I was right.  I have only said I am fun.  So, I just think that the majority of people are sexual.  Whether you want to be or not, I am hereby deeming you sexual.  Kinda makes ya smile, huh?

"Would you say you are sexually active?"  
Sounds funny, doesn't it?  Either you are or you aren't.  BUT, I think that if you aren't having sex as much as you like, you may not consider yourself to be sexually active; whereas others may think that if they have sex once a year, they are sexually active.  My own opinion if you are only having sex once a year....go get you some.  Find a friend.  Phone a friend.  Hell, I don't care what you do but get that friend over there and get you some!  The cobwebs needs to be blown out.  Just throw caution to the wind and "fuck it."  

CONFESSION #4:  I would throw caution to the wind every hour on the hour but....well life gets in the way!

I nearly forgot what the hell I was doing here.  My thought process just hit red on my sex meter.  I was ready to break out the pom poms and cheer you gals on!!!  Back to business at hand!

Most of my group says they are sexually active...or would be if they had a partner.  That makes me so proud.  I like it when my girls can "get it."  And I love it that they admit it.  No need to be so damn uptight about this stuff!

"When you wake up, do you feel sexy, horny, both or neither?"  
My panel of experts were split on this one and I can't even fathom it!  (Remember:  not right, just funny)  The majority...and only by a very slim margin...says they are none of the above when they wake up.  But following very closely behind was a group saying "HEY, OVER HERE!  I'M HORNY!!!" and a mere few that just sometimes get the urge at the crack of dawn...or whenever it is they wake up.

CONFESSION #5:  I couldn't wait to get the answers to this question because damn it, I think the absolute best time to just fuck your brains out is right when you wake up.  I bet you weren't expecting that, huh?  

"What would you say is the difference between being sexy and being horny?"  
I got a range of answers to this one and they all said the same thing.  
"Sexy is how you feel on the outside while horny is how you feel on the inside."
"Sexy can be putting on a nightgown while horny is craving the sex."
"Sexy is emotional while horny is not.  Horny is just 'give it to me now.'"
I have the funnest friends in the world.  Let's not forget that.  

CONFESSION #6:  I try to be both sexy and horny all at the same time.  I think it brings out the "inner sex" of someone if you can put your sexy into your horny and it tends to bring love-making to an all-time high.  Try breaking a bed by simply having sex AND look hot while doing it.  You will never forget it.

By the way, I never said this blog was going to be comfortable.

"Are there any certain sexual triggers in the course of your day that make you feel sexy or horny?" 
Only a couple of people said no and that surprised me.  You can't believe how I am beaming with pride over my friends right now!!  Glimpses from men, just that certain time of day hits, you catch the familiar scent of a former (and obvious great) lover...are just a few of the answers I received. 

CONFESSION #7:  When I think about the first time my husband and I went fishing together, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling going on.....and we didn't even have sex that day!  I just remember that I felt so close to him and I was the center of his entire world and it was the best feeling ever.  Going fishing will always be a big trigger for me.

"Generally, how sexual do you feel in the middle of the day?"  
CONFESSION #8:  Since I work nights, I am generally waking up in the middle of the day so yeah.............IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME!!!  When I worked the day shift though, I probably didn't think as much about it.  Although, if I had a really good day, whether at work or out and about, and I mean a REALLY good day...yeah, I wouldn't pass coming home and riding the bronco to celebrate.  Hey, just sayin!  

But that feeling of not wanting sex in the middle of the day was almost completely unanimous with the exception of one person (besides me) and that was a "depends on the day," so there you have it.....women don't want it in the middle of the day.  Unless they are just waking up ;-)

"Do you ever fix a meal for someone special in hopes of them feeling sexual or horny?" 
Without my input, my gals were split right down the middle.  Half said yes and half said no.  To the ones that said no, you may want to consider it.  Cobwebs, remember?  A plate of lasagna and you could be in orgasmic heaven!  It may truly be that easy!!!

CONFESSION #9:  I have done this numerous times.  I should be ashamed. I'm not. I have made expensive meals from King Crab to simple, cheap, yet elegant chocolate covered pineapple dishes (only a few of you are going to get that) in hopes (and preparation) of getting my groove thang on!  Until the day I die, or my husband dies, whichever comes first, I will feed him the food of the love gods.  Whatever it is he is craving that day.....if it means I get a smile on my face.

"Do you consider yourself a flirt?"  
If this question wasn't just made for me!  I have a sister that thinks I flirt with just about everybody I come into contact with.  And she's right of course!  HA!  I don't even have to make this a confession.  I flirt all the time.  It's what I do.  It's like breathing to me.  It's fun and that's the only way it's meant to be taken.  In fun.  I believe that if you know where your line is...and you stay behind it...and you are honest about it with everyone, including your spouse, there is no harm.  Everyone needs to feel wanted.  Everyone.  Apparently, only myself and one other in this group consider themselves a flirt.  I'm not sure who this person is but we should probably hang out more often!!!

"Have you ever cheated on a partner?"  
This question probably wasn't too fair to ask so I hope nobody took it to heart.  Many of us have such different views on cheating that we could all answer yes and still not be doing the same thing.  Most of us would agree that cheating is having sexual intercourse with another.  To some though, oral sex is not considered sex nor cheating; while to some, just thinking/fantasizing about another is cheating.  So I guess when I asked this question, I should have asked what exactly their meaning of cheating was.  I didn't and majority was no.  

CONFESSION #10:  While I was technically still in a relationship (the end, and it was bad), I did start looking for my next victim...errr friend, I mean.  When I was waiting for my first divorce to finalize, I was already out playing the part of short stop with my doctor friend.  He's the one that taught me about that chocolate pineapple thing.  And just by sheer luck, I met and got to know my current husband as he worked on my car, while the now-ex husband was busy playing hide the salami with another man.  Yes, you read that right.  

Again, this wasn't meant to be comfortable.

"If you knew you could cheat and NEVER be caught, do you think you would?"  
I worded it this way because I didn't want my peeps to think "would you?"  I wanted them to "think if they would."  Does that make sense?  In the grand scheme of things, you don't know what you are going to do in any given situation until you are faced with it; that's why I say "think you would." 


Everyone on my panel said they would not cheat though.  Again, I have great friends.  Two particular answers made me smile though.  "Maybe with Jax from Sons Of Anarchy!"  Hey, I feel your pain.  I'm a Daryl Dixon fan on The Walking Dead.  I truly get it, ladies.

CONFESSION #11:  I think I would.  I have actually had this conversation with my husband so don't anybody freak out.  I mean, I am a seriously sexual person and yeah...I am willing to jump through some hoops to get some goodies but if I had the GUARANTEE that nobody would EVER find out.......I'm on it.  What do I have to lose?

This is one of the questions where I can just feel my existence being wiped from a few boards.

"Do you think you and your partner have similar sex drives?" 
I literally had ONE person answer yes to this question and man, am I jealous!!!  Or am I?  Maybe neither of them want to have sex.... In that case, my jealousy just went and dug a hole in the ground and hid.  Yeah, I didn't think this one through.  I should have asked who had more of a sexual drive, him or her.  I would about bet though, it's always the man.  Except at my house!

CONFESSION #12:  I can out-sex my husband standing on my head.  There is a reason I am on husband #3.  Without sex I have no reason to live.....

"To what extremes would you go to please your partner sexually?"  
Not so many people share my enthusiasm on this though.  A couple, but not many.  Ladies.....this may be why you aren't getting laid.  Just sayin'!

CONFESSION #13:  If he thinks it's a good idea and I think it sounds fun - and vice versa - there isn't much I won't do to make my husband happy.  Again, I have lines that I clearly wouldn't cross but I do like to make my man feel good.  

"Is the best sex of your life with your current partner?"  
For those that currently do not have a partner, they "used" their last partner for the sake of this questionnaire and majority ruled no.  In my opinion, I think that is probably a normal answer.  I will put my answer in with the majority as well simply because I think when we finally feel that connection with someone, the sex isn't about being "the best" anymore, as much as it is about being "together." 

Together is a better place in my book.  AND I also believe that for many of us, the "best" sex was had when you were young and wild and free.  Yeah, I sound like a rock n roll song but that's just how I feel.

"Does your partner strive to please you in bed?"  
This was pretty much split down the middle with both answers of yes and no but I think the best answer I received on this was "The best sex is successful when we strive to please each other."  Agreed!!  Whoever said this hit the nail on the head!!!  For those of you that answered no, *sad face.*  You may need to break out the ruler and teacher glasses and show him how you want it done.  There's nothing wrong with showing him how you like it.  We all have to learn some way, right?  

CONFESSION #14:  Sometimes I get tired of being the teacher and sometimes I don't!

"Is lack of sex an issue in your relationship, and if so, does it cause issues in other ares of your relationship?"    
Majority ruled no!  Some because they don't have a partner currently so I guess that wouldn't be an issue..........or would it???  These answers varied across the board.  From no to yes because he wanted it all the time and it made me not want to have it at all, to definitely caused a few issues and for some caused a lot of issues.

For the sake of your sanity and mine, that is the end of the questionnaire.  At least for now.  Until I find new material and new suckers...I mean panelists.  I mean, I love my girls but I don't need to be divulging ALL their secrets, right??

I'm not sure that you were really supposed to LEARN anything from this blog and it was truly meant to be in fun but if you got this far and you are still speaking to me, at least tell me you smiled ONCE while reading this!!  And thank you.....for a lot of things but mainly for just putting up with me and my ramblings.  Until next time.....

The best advice I can give you right now is this:

GO GET SOME!!!