I have to be honest with you here. I don't know where to begin and I don't know how to explain it, but I will give it my best and well.....if my best isn't good enough.....I don't know what I am going to do. Blogging about it is about the last thing I know to do because I have talked to people about this.....well I have tried.....and I honestly believe that nobody is understanding the level of trauma that I am experiencing.
So here goes nothing.
When I turned 30, I felt like my world had dropped out from under me. Not for any particular reason either. I just felt like there I was at 30 years of age and what did I have to show for it? Although I had never actually wanted kids, here all of my friends had either started or were starting their families. I had myself and a husband. And speaking of...a husband that was a severe alcoholic. A man that put a bottle before everyone. I was not allowed to grocery shop nor spend a day with my own mother, without his "permission." Yep, here I was...30 years old and had gotten myself in a mess that even I didn't want to live with.
I cried a lot. Everyone that crossed my path got on my nerves. I was angry at the world. Nothing could make me happy. Not happy in my heart. I felt myself pull away from the very people that loved me the most and hid from the world for a while.
I hated the number 30.
But it passed. I don't remember how long it took but it passed. And that was really the important thing anyway. By the time 40 came around, I had embraced life and all it had to offer. I was thrilled about joining Club 40 and seemed to jump right in with both feet. Life was great.
Somewhere around the middle of November this year, I started getting very sad thinking about my upcoming birthday. I was going to turn 45 years old in a couple of weeks. Shit, 45 years old! It almost became an obsession with me; the number. I felt like it was haunting me at times. When it should have mattered the least, it hurt the most.
"I am going to be 45 years old."
Last Friday, I had my birthday and I am still crying about it. Literally. To say out loud that I am 45 years old brings tears to my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it. For the love of God, how is a girl supposed to deal with stupid stuff like this??? Why do we let ourselves get worked up over a mere number???
Quality, not quantity! Isn't that how it is supposed to go?
And let me tell you...those people that I thought were on my nerves when I turned 30.....well, they have multiplied. They are now six to the power of three multiplied by the bitch factor. Squared. Yeah, I have a brand new "refreshing" feeling of anger toward certain people now and I can't always control it. Not only am I angry at the world this time, but I am angry at outer space, infinity, and beyond. The time-space continuum is, at the very least, a "mother trucker, C U Next Tuesday."
My poor husband (and if you know me, you know this is a phrase I RARELY use) has been put through the wringer. He doesn't even know some days, if he is going to be allowed to speak, let alone breathe, when he comes home from work. I just apologize to him every eight hours. Like clock work. Whether I need to or not. Just so he knows that it isn't always intentional. And that it isn't going to last forever. At least I hope it doesn't.
I have tried to put into words, for a couple of people, the physical pain I feel over this 45 business, but then I get stuck. The tears start and I have to shut down. How do you explain feelings to someone when you can't make yourself understand? Yesterday, I was telling my sister and my niece about it and they just laughed at me. And what do you think I did? Yep, started to tear up! Sooooo, I immediately just changed the subject and dove right into playing with the kids.
I had to shut down. I hate shutting down. It's almost like losing a game when you've played by all the rules. Or being told you're wrong when you know you're right. It's a punch in the stomach.
And I'm not picking on either of these two because they obviously don't "get" what I'm feeling or where I'm coming from but it hurt so much that two people I love so much laughed at something that physically hurts me. Except for saying "I can't talk about this because it upsets me to tears," how am I supposed to explain that what they just laughed out loud about, is tearing me apart?
"I am 45 years old and life is fantastic."
I have a husband who still believes I look the very same way I did the first time he met me. And I've had his eyes checked by a doctor! He believes that I am that same woman. He loves and adores me, even when he is a pain in my ass. He does everything in his power to make me happy and he is a hard worker.
I have a job that I look forward to going to on most any day. Well except for "those" days. You know the ones. We all have "those" days. I work with some of the most exceptional officers in our state. No, I wouldn't trade my work family for anything in the world. And that has been put to the test a couple of times. Most of my co-workers are easy enough to get alone with and we all seem to have that same sick sense of humor so that helps on those days when you just don't know if you can keep it all together.
I have the best sisters and brothers in the world. Even for all their flaws (don't tell them I said that, they don't know they have them), they represent honesty, morals, values, principals, and integrity. Even with all the problems that we have faced with each other or against each other, I wouldn't change a thing. And our parents did a damn good job with us. Lord knows they didn't have it easy either!
With all that being said, why do I have to cry myself to sleep when I lay in bed and can't think about anything but how old I am? Why do I have to shut down when someone asks me my age or why it bothers me so much? Why can't I get past this.....NUMBER???
I can't do 30 again and I sure as hell can never go through 45 again. Ever. There just wouldn't be a jury on this planet that would let me go. While Kathy tells me that she is just glad to make it to the next birthday, I am literally wilting inside. Like a sad, sad piece of lettuce that got left on the counter and forgotten about. That piece that nobody wanted to include in their salad.
I can't even begin to think about the next birthday. Crap, at this point I could care less that 46 comes after 45! I need to get through TODAY!!! Am I ever going to get through this unscathed???
Until next time...thanks for reading!
2014/12/05
2014/11/25
The verdict is in
My heart is in shreds tonight. I have experienced so many emotions. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. I had to stop listening because I got so worked up over it but now I'm listening again. Just to the tv. Not to the scanner this time. I feel numb.
One night at work, I heard a deputy in a neighboring county get his ass handed to him on the radio. I didn't know at the time, that was what I was listening to though. I thought he was running and yelling into the radio because he was so out of breath. What I didn't know was that his own dispatcher could not hear him. And I was sick about it for a while. Then I found out more facts about that situation and didn't feel quite so bad about it. Don't get me wrong. I don't wish any officer to get beat on but in the same breath, I expect every officer to follow protocol. Anyway.....that "sick" was nothing like the "sick" I felt tonight. Funny how many different sicks you can experience.
The verdict was given in the Michael Brown/Officer Darin Wilson shooting in Ferguson, MO. Officer Wilson was not indicted on any charges in this case and as the people in Ferguson were standing out in the streets listening to the speech that the prosecutor was giving from inside the courthouse, I thought for a split second "This just might be okay after all." I guess I thought the very instant they heard there were no charges against this man, complete mayhem would erupt. But it didn't. At least not right away.
And then.....all hell started to break loose. I'm sure you've seen the police car that was basically destroyed right after the verdict was given. They started rocking it, then throwing things at it, and then breaking the windows and trying to tear stuff out of it. Ridiculous! I will never, for the life of me, understand the logic behind looting and/or rioting. I do not understand, nor will I ever understand, how any one of these people could think, for one minute, that what they were about to do, would be a positive thing. How do they justify their actions?
Here is just a short list of what I listened to tonight on the scanner. I had to stop watching it on tv to keep up with it on the scanner. These were not only from officer's but from dispatchers. It is about an hour's worth of sheer terror for so many. Just an hour!
-The Toys R Us is being looted
-Now they are moving onto the Walmart
-Looters going to the Sonic restaurant now
-We are evacuating a residence here, it is fully engulfed
-Now there is a car fire at Toys R Us
-We have a business on fire
-Need someone to respond to the police department for looters/vandals
-We now have looters and are declaring a code 3000
-15-20 vehicles leaving the scene now
-We have a second business on fire
I found myself praying constantly. Asking God to help these people. All of them. Asking Him to make the rioters realize that what they are doing is not solving anything but instead making matters worse. Asking Him to be with ALL responders. From the dispatchers, to the police, to the firemen, to the EMS crews, to the civil defense people.
-We need more manpower, we can't keep up with these fires
-They are throwing Molotov cocktails off the roof now
-We have a 3rd building on fire now
-Paging out National Guard to cover another area for fire/looters
-We have residential alarms going off
-We have looters at O'Reilly's Auto Parts
-The media is getting blocked in by fire
-We have heavy gunfire now
-We (firemen) are going to have to retreat from this fire because of shots being fired at us
-Looters at Aldi's
I do not know how I would respond if these were my guys; my people. I do not know if I could keep my composure like my fellow dispatchers were doing tonight. I would love to think that I would be strong and do the job before me and then crumble at a later date but nobody knows until something happens. I hope it never does though. How do you think you would handle it if your guys didn't respond to you? Compare it to someone you really and truly love with every ounce of your being.....that's how close we become with our law enforcement family...and imagine being on the phone with them while they are fighting for their life and you are trying to ask them to talk to you; to tell you where they are; to ask them who is hurting them. But they can't answer you. For whatever reason. Yeah...imagine how your heart would feel. Some of the dispatchers were having a terrible time hearing their guys and that's frustrating enough.
As a dispatcher, it is a huge punch in the stomach when one of your guys doesn't answer you on the radio. And if they don't answer their phone, the stomach churning just gets worse. I have only had it happen a couple of times luckily and I know how I felt then.
-Fire/looters at Walgreens
-We have 2 officers not responding now
-We have a car/tree accident
-Need you at such-and-such address for a domestic situation
-In front of the Burger King & Krispy Creme there are two men with assault rifles wrapped up
-O'Reilly's is fully engulfed at this time
-Red's BBQ is on fire. We have 50-70 people here all with weapons
-We have a male shooting cars at the bus stop
-We have several break-ins
-They are breaking into the city hall now
Now imagine, as a dispatcher, having to make the determination on which call is more important than what; having to make the decision to pull someone off of one thing to cover another. On top of their everyday calls that they have to take care of and dispatch for, now they had this! Every dispatcher was calm, cool and collected. Their voices never wavered even though I know they wanted to because mine already was for them. I silently prayed that my guys stayed in the office for the rest of my shift because I was so shaken by the things I was hearing, I didn't know if I even had the voice to answer them on the radio.
-We have an overdose and need an ambulance
-The Taco Bell and Auto Tire are being looted right now. They drove a car through the front of it and there are 60-70 looters.
-We have a subject laying in the bed of a truck firing off rounds
-Shots fired at Taco Bell
-We need an ambulance for a subject feeling paranoid (I wonder why)
-We have a residence with the basement windows broken out and the homeowners didn't have a clue that anything was going on (Really? How did that happen?)
I heard they were having problems in Seattle, San Franciso, and Oakland at this time also. And I don't get that either because.....WHY? Just why? Isn't it enough that the "locals and not quite so locals" from around the Ferguson area were wreaking havoc, that elsewhere in the country we had to show our stupidity? And that's my opinion of it all. Damn stupidity! I am so angry right now.
An off-duty dispatcher that is in a mutual online group as me, hears her own troopers scream out for help. How sickening! For 30 minutes, he was not responding for whatever reason and it was heart wrenching. Trooper 987 was in my heart and I don't even know him! I can only imagine how that dispatcher felt. No, that's not true. I can not imagine! I hope to never be in that situation. I kept thinking that I need to do something. I need to do something for St. Louis County, Missouri. I need to do something for Trooper 987. I felt so helpless and the more I listened, the more I prayed that my guys would stay safe. Every day. Every night. Every shift. In every situation. I would sure be an angry woman if someone intentionally hurt my guys.
These are not my officers but these are officers of people that I chat with and correspond with on an almost daily basis. These are people that I am welcome to rant to when I am having a bad day. When I need to rant. So yeah, this pulls at my heartstrings a little bit. When one of them hurts, all of us hurts.
Another thing that keeps getting brought up on tv is "Why did they give the verdict on a Monday night? Why didn't they wait until Tuesday morning? Why didn't they do it when they had more people to help? Why not wait for daylight?" Seriously??? I don't even know what the hell that means!!! More people would be "out and about" during the day. More kids would be at risk. More traffic on the streets for whatever reasons. We knew that it was going to be an "any day, any minute" situation for the past week! Come on! I do not believe that daylight was going to save this scenario. No...it was way too publicized for that. This thing was headed for the shitter right from the beginning.
And guess what? After all this stupidity; after all this mess.....Michael Brown will still be dead. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry that anybody had to die. Now, how is THIS helping the situation? How is THIS honoring his memory in any way? How is THIS going to help his family cope with it? Whether or not you agree with the jury's decision, you absolutely have to agree that this got way out of hand for all the wrong reasons. Michael Brown's family wanted this to be a positive change for Ferguson. Not this hot mess.
As I look at the tv now...after an hour.....so many vehicle's fully engulfed in flames, the Governor has ordered more National Guard come in to help. Wouldn't it have been smarter to have had too many to begin with and not enough? What do I know. Currently, about a dozen buildings burning but guess what? Nobody was seriously hurt. Nobody. Now...there were some injuries but nothing life-threatening. Hallelujah!
I feel a lot better now. I was able to get a lot off my mind. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight. I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening. Until next time.....I will be counting my blessings for the small department that I work in, being grateful for working with such great people, and smiling at life, knowing that I do not have to live in a situation like this. At least not today.
One night at work, I heard a deputy in a neighboring county get his ass handed to him on the radio. I didn't know at the time, that was what I was listening to though. I thought he was running and yelling into the radio because he was so out of breath. What I didn't know was that his own dispatcher could not hear him. And I was sick about it for a while. Then I found out more facts about that situation and didn't feel quite so bad about it. Don't get me wrong. I don't wish any officer to get beat on but in the same breath, I expect every officer to follow protocol. Anyway.....that "sick" was nothing like the "sick" I felt tonight. Funny how many different sicks you can experience.
The verdict was given in the Michael Brown/Officer Darin Wilson shooting in Ferguson, MO. Officer Wilson was not indicted on any charges in this case and as the people in Ferguson were standing out in the streets listening to the speech that the prosecutor was giving from inside the courthouse, I thought for a split second "This just might be okay after all." I guess I thought the very instant they heard there were no charges against this man, complete mayhem would erupt. But it didn't. At least not right away.
And then.....all hell started to break loose. I'm sure you've seen the police car that was basically destroyed right after the verdict was given. They started rocking it, then throwing things at it, and then breaking the windows and trying to tear stuff out of it. Ridiculous! I will never, for the life of me, understand the logic behind looting and/or rioting. I do not understand, nor will I ever understand, how any one of these people could think, for one minute, that what they were about to do, would be a positive thing. How do they justify their actions?
Here is just a short list of what I listened to tonight on the scanner. I had to stop watching it on tv to keep up with it on the scanner. These were not only from officer's but from dispatchers. It is about an hour's worth of sheer terror for so many. Just an hour!
-The Toys R Us is being looted
-Now they are moving onto the Walmart
-Looters going to the Sonic restaurant now
-We are evacuating a residence here, it is fully engulfed
-Now there is a car fire at Toys R Us
-We have a business on fire
-Need someone to respond to the police department for looters/vandals
-We now have looters and are declaring a code 3000
-15-20 vehicles leaving the scene now
-We have a second business on fire
I found myself praying constantly. Asking God to help these people. All of them. Asking Him to make the rioters realize that what they are doing is not solving anything but instead making matters worse. Asking Him to be with ALL responders. From the dispatchers, to the police, to the firemen, to the EMS crews, to the civil defense people.
-We need more manpower, we can't keep up with these fires
-They are throwing Molotov cocktails off the roof now
-We have a 3rd building on fire now
-Paging out National Guard to cover another area for fire/looters
-We have residential alarms going off
-We have looters at O'Reilly's Auto Parts
-The media is getting blocked in by fire
-We have heavy gunfire now
-We (firemen) are going to have to retreat from this fire because of shots being fired at us
-Looters at Aldi's
I do not know how I would respond if these were my guys; my people. I do not know if I could keep my composure like my fellow dispatchers were doing tonight. I would love to think that I would be strong and do the job before me and then crumble at a later date but nobody knows until something happens. I hope it never does though. How do you think you would handle it if your guys didn't respond to you? Compare it to someone you really and truly love with every ounce of your being.....that's how close we become with our law enforcement family...and imagine being on the phone with them while they are fighting for their life and you are trying to ask them to talk to you; to tell you where they are; to ask them who is hurting them. But they can't answer you. For whatever reason. Yeah...imagine how your heart would feel. Some of the dispatchers were having a terrible time hearing their guys and that's frustrating enough.
As a dispatcher, it is a huge punch in the stomach when one of your guys doesn't answer you on the radio. And if they don't answer their phone, the stomach churning just gets worse. I have only had it happen a couple of times luckily and I know how I felt then.
-Fire/looters at Walgreens
-We have 2 officers not responding now
-We have a car/tree accident
-Need you at such-and-such address for a domestic situation
-In front of the Burger King & Krispy Creme there are two men with assault rifles wrapped up
-O'Reilly's is fully engulfed at this time
-Red's BBQ is on fire. We have 50-70 people here all with weapons
-We have a male shooting cars at the bus stop
-We have several break-ins
-They are breaking into the city hall now
Now imagine, as a dispatcher, having to make the determination on which call is more important than what; having to make the decision to pull someone off of one thing to cover another. On top of their everyday calls that they have to take care of and dispatch for, now they had this! Every dispatcher was calm, cool and collected. Their voices never wavered even though I know they wanted to because mine already was for them. I silently prayed that my guys stayed in the office for the rest of my shift because I was so shaken by the things I was hearing, I didn't know if I even had the voice to answer them on the radio.
-We have an overdose and need an ambulance
-The Taco Bell and Auto Tire are being looted right now. They drove a car through the front of it and there are 60-70 looters.
-We have a subject laying in the bed of a truck firing off rounds
-Shots fired at Taco Bell
-We need an ambulance for a subject feeling paranoid (I wonder why)
-We have a residence with the basement windows broken out and the homeowners didn't have a clue that anything was going on (Really? How did that happen?)
I heard they were having problems in Seattle, San Franciso, and Oakland at this time also. And I don't get that either because.....WHY? Just why? Isn't it enough that the "locals and not quite so locals" from around the Ferguson area were wreaking havoc, that elsewhere in the country we had to show our stupidity? And that's my opinion of it all. Damn stupidity! I am so angry right now.
An off-duty dispatcher that is in a mutual online group as me, hears her own troopers scream out for help. How sickening! For 30 minutes, he was not responding for whatever reason and it was heart wrenching. Trooper 987 was in my heart and I don't even know him! I can only imagine how that dispatcher felt. No, that's not true. I can not imagine! I hope to never be in that situation. I kept thinking that I need to do something. I need to do something for St. Louis County, Missouri. I need to do something for Trooper 987. I felt so helpless and the more I listened, the more I prayed that my guys would stay safe. Every day. Every night. Every shift. In every situation. I would sure be an angry woman if someone intentionally hurt my guys.
These are not my officers but these are officers of people that I chat with and correspond with on an almost daily basis. These are people that I am welcome to rant to when I am having a bad day. When I need to rant. So yeah, this pulls at my heartstrings a little bit. When one of them hurts, all of us hurts.
Another thing that keeps getting brought up on tv is "Why did they give the verdict on a Monday night? Why didn't they wait until Tuesday morning? Why didn't they do it when they had more people to help? Why not wait for daylight?" Seriously??? I don't even know what the hell that means!!! More people would be "out and about" during the day. More kids would be at risk. More traffic on the streets for whatever reasons. We knew that it was going to be an "any day, any minute" situation for the past week! Come on! I do not believe that daylight was going to save this scenario. No...it was way too publicized for that. This thing was headed for the shitter right from the beginning.
And guess what? After all this stupidity; after all this mess.....Michael Brown will still be dead. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry that anybody had to die. Now, how is THIS helping the situation? How is THIS honoring his memory in any way? How is THIS going to help his family cope with it? Whether or not you agree with the jury's decision, you absolutely have to agree that this got way out of hand for all the wrong reasons. Michael Brown's family wanted this to be a positive change for Ferguson. Not this hot mess.
As I look at the tv now...after an hour.....so many vehicle's fully engulfed in flames, the Governor has ordered more National Guard come in to help. Wouldn't it have been smarter to have had too many to begin with and not enough? What do I know. Currently, about a dozen buildings burning but guess what? Nobody was seriously hurt. Nobody. Now...there were some injuries but nothing life-threatening. Hallelujah!
I feel a lot better now. I was able to get a lot off my mind. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight. I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening. Until next time.....I will be counting my blessings for the small department that I work in, being grateful for working with such great people, and smiling at life, knowing that I do not have to live in a situation like this. At least not today.
2014/11/18
Oh yes I did!
I blame Sharon for this blog. This will be TWO in one night if I get this done! That is...get this done without either laughing myself off the page or jumping off a bridge.
Oh where to start.....Sharon has lost 43 lbs. since March and she looks amazing. Now, I haven't known Sharon for a really long time but I have known who she was. Always friendly, always smiling, and always helping someone out. Never once would I have put her in the category of "overweight" though. To each their own though, right? Who am I to say if someone is overweight? I don't know their body and how it works for them. I'm doing good to know my own!
As I was reading Sharon's blog about her last 200+ days and her journey, I found myself laughing....which I can really, really use right now.....and commenting. To nobody. I am the only person in the room. At one point I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I have, I don't know.
Sharon talked about how she started out going to take her picture every Monday and like the rest of us, didn't always get that done. But she did have a lot of pictures and you could see significant change in her body. Good job girl, you are great motivation for me.
Maybe I will try that ".....take a picture every Monday" thing too. And I am not waiting until January to do it because we all know that whole "This year's New Year's Resolution is to lose weight" thing is just off-the-charts BS. I will have Quintin take my picture tonight when I get out of bed and that will be my Monday picture. Hmmm, where ARE those pink leggings at??? Oh, have I mentioned that when I wake up, I bear a slight resemblance to Sideshow Bob???
Note to self: Brush the hair!
Something else Sharon did was start a journal. I have tried that. I don't last long. And I'm not going to subject you to it here either. You are safe for now! Not sure what I am going to do but I will figure something out. There is something about carrying around a leather notebook though.....oh hell, we all know I'm going to start writing this crap down! And yes, you will be reading it too!
Sharon was talking about how she has done what most every single person on this earth has done and that is diet. Ugh, I hate that word. It took me years to learn that no diet in the world is going to work. Lifestyle change is truly the way to go if you want to be successful. With me being a diabetic, you'd think I'd have that lifestyle thing down, huh? Nope! I have always convinced myself that I will be able to get the same results by doing the complete opposite of everyone else. *sigh* And I'm still here. Struggling. But I'm on a much better track now than I was say.....5 years ago. Much better!
When she was telling about how she would eat one day, starve herself the next, and then eat again the following day...I must say, I was laughing so hard. Oh yes, I have tried that. Oh yes, I should kick myself in the ass for that one. And you should too if you have done it. Anyway, as I was reading it, I had a flashback of epic proportions:
The cabbage soup diet: You make this huge...and by huge, I mean the size of Arkansas...pot of cabbage soup. And that's all you can eat. But you can eat anytime you want. Day or night. Just dish up some of that yummy cabbage soup! And it's good...if you like cabbage. And I LOVE cabbage! Unfortunately, just like math class, it didn't love me. Let's just say that the results could have been one reason for my first divorce. Oh the horror. I will proudly say though, that I did get a whole stew pot of cabbage eaten before I finally realized I had bloated myself 4 pant sizes larger than where I started. Roll me away from the table, I am done!
The water diet: This one was much like her starvation diet with the exception of forcing myself to drink about 6 gallons of water a day. That's a lot of water. And a lot of bloating. And a LOT of peeing. And if you needed to stray anywhere outside of your home, your best bet was to wear a diaper of some kind. Miserable.
The ex-lax diet: Oh yes I did! Shitty. That's all I can say about it. This is one you definitely need to stay away from. The crappiest diet with the crappiest results I have ever gotten! Sick!
The military diet: Okay, now I know a lot of people do not like this diet but I have to say that I am a huge fan of it. Three days of eating good, wholesome food that doesn't suck and then you don't do it again until the following week. When I was in high school, I lost about 25 lbs. on this. Then I met someone named Miller Lite, who introduced me to his cousin Bud and well, I quickly found my 25 lbs. plus a few more. I hate it when I find those little bastards. This diet consists of things like cottage cheese, tuna, green beans, and even ice cream, among other things.
Binge & Purge: When I lived in Kansas City, I walked a lot. And I lost a lot of weight. I ate one meal a day and it consisted of one of two things. Either a package of ramen noodle soup OR a small bag of microwave popcorn. And I lived happily with that "diet" for several months. Maybe even a year. Then...when I plateaued, I did the "next best" thing and made myself puke it up. Oh yes I did! And yes, the weight literally fell off of me. That didn't make it right and it definitely didn't make it good for me. Not only was it bad for my body but it wasn't so good for my mind either. Now...put on top of that a long distance relationship with a guy that you knew...deep down in the pit of your stomach...was never, ever going to work out. Oh yes! I did!
**side note: for all the people that accused me of doing drugs when I was in KC, you were wrong. THIS is how I lost all my weight.**
Please do not take the time to tell me what is a good "diet" and/or "choice." Please respect that I will do whatever I choose to do. Just like you will choose to do what you want. And if that includes a can of Monster energy drink every day, then so be it! Who am I (or you) to judge???
I have never been a fan of things like Weight Watchers, where you need to pay to get the benefits and then on top of that, pay a higher price for a packaged meal. Nuh-uh, I like my real food, thanks! I did go to TOPS when I lived in Bedford years ago (where I made some life-long friends) and loved it. I think money was the top motivator then. Hell, it probably would be now if I had someone to go to these things with. I just do not know enough people in this area with the same likes as myself. And that spills over into needing a walking partner. Not necessarily someone to talk to while we walk. Just someone that is going to "go the course" with me and be there for each other through it and after it.
So back to Sharon's blog. She tells how she used to get up at 4am just to exercise! 4 a.m.!!! What the hell was she thinking????? And if that wasn't bad enough, she had young children! WHAT??? She should have had her head examined but hey, like I said, to each their own!!!
I have tried that whole "getting up and starting my day with exercise" BS and to this day, I concur that it is, in fact, complete BS. I do not know how anyone does it. I mean, if you are one that can and does, more power to you. Ugh, nothing will make me puke faster and think more negatively than exercising right after I wake up. A lot of times I work overnights and then go walking after work. But that's only after I have put in an 8 hour or more shift. I'm not doing that shit before work. I'm just not.
I will bring this to a close. I want Sharon to know that she has inspired me just when I thought all hope was lost for me. I have made some notes to get me started and am looking forward to this new journey. I was originally going to give a timeline but have changed my mind. I think I will just see how long it takes me to get where I need to be. And then.....like Sharon.....work to keep it off and live happily ever after in my new "lifestyle."
Sharon, if you're reading this...I thank you (and I may hate you before it's over). In all honesty your blog has helped pull me out of this "funk" I am feeling myself slide into. At least for a little bit, and hopefully for the next 200+ days. Thank you for not giving up on your talents and for continuing on your writing journey. It's people like me that need people like you to blog! Much love!!!
Oh where to start.....Sharon has lost 43 lbs. since March and she looks amazing. Now, I haven't known Sharon for a really long time but I have known who she was. Always friendly, always smiling, and always helping someone out. Never once would I have put her in the category of "overweight" though. To each their own though, right? Who am I to say if someone is overweight? I don't know their body and how it works for them. I'm doing good to know my own!
As I was reading Sharon's blog about her last 200+ days and her journey, I found myself laughing....which I can really, really use right now.....and commenting. To nobody. I am the only person in the room. At one point I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I have, I don't know.
Sharon talked about how she started out going to take her picture every Monday and like the rest of us, didn't always get that done. But she did have a lot of pictures and you could see significant change in her body. Good job girl, you are great motivation for me.
Maybe I will try that ".....take a picture every Monday" thing too. And I am not waiting until January to do it because we all know that whole "This year's New Year's Resolution is to lose weight" thing is just off-the-charts BS. I will have Quintin take my picture tonight when I get out of bed and that will be my Monday picture. Hmmm, where ARE those pink leggings at??? Oh, have I mentioned that when I wake up, I bear a slight resemblance to Sideshow Bob???
Note to self: Brush the hair!
Something else Sharon did was start a journal. I have tried that. I don't last long. And I'm not going to subject you to it here either. You are safe for now! Not sure what I am going to do but I will figure something out. There is something about carrying around a leather notebook though.....oh hell, we all know I'm going to start writing this crap down! And yes, you will be reading it too!
Sharon was talking about how she has done what most every single person on this earth has done and that is diet. Ugh, I hate that word. It took me years to learn that no diet in the world is going to work. Lifestyle change is truly the way to go if you want to be successful. With me being a diabetic, you'd think I'd have that lifestyle thing down, huh? Nope! I have always convinced myself that I will be able to get the same results by doing the complete opposite of everyone else. *sigh* And I'm still here. Struggling. But I'm on a much better track now than I was say.....5 years ago. Much better!
When she was telling about how she would eat one day, starve herself the next, and then eat again the following day...I must say, I was laughing so hard. Oh yes, I have tried that. Oh yes, I should kick myself in the ass for that one. And you should too if you have done it. Anyway, as I was reading it, I had a flashback of epic proportions:
The cabbage soup diet: You make this huge...and by huge, I mean the size of Arkansas...pot of cabbage soup. And that's all you can eat. But you can eat anytime you want. Day or night. Just dish up some of that yummy cabbage soup! And it's good...if you like cabbage. And I LOVE cabbage! Unfortunately, just like math class, it didn't love me. Let's just say that the results could have been one reason for my first divorce. Oh the horror. I will proudly say though, that I did get a whole stew pot of cabbage eaten before I finally realized I had bloated myself 4 pant sizes larger than where I started. Roll me away from the table, I am done!
The water diet: This one was much like her starvation diet with the exception of forcing myself to drink about 6 gallons of water a day. That's a lot of water. And a lot of bloating. And a LOT of peeing. And if you needed to stray anywhere outside of your home, your best bet was to wear a diaper of some kind. Miserable.
The ex-lax diet: Oh yes I did! Shitty. That's all I can say about it. This is one you definitely need to stay away from. The crappiest diet with the crappiest results I have ever gotten! Sick!
The military diet: Okay, now I know a lot of people do not like this diet but I have to say that I am a huge fan of it. Three days of eating good, wholesome food that doesn't suck and then you don't do it again until the following week. When I was in high school, I lost about 25 lbs. on this. Then I met someone named Miller Lite, who introduced me to his cousin Bud and well, I quickly found my 25 lbs. plus a few more. I hate it when I find those little bastards. This diet consists of things like cottage cheese, tuna, green beans, and even ice cream, among other things.
Binge & Purge: When I lived in Kansas City, I walked a lot. And I lost a lot of weight. I ate one meal a day and it consisted of one of two things. Either a package of ramen noodle soup OR a small bag of microwave popcorn. And I lived happily with that "diet" for several months. Maybe even a year. Then...when I plateaued, I did the "next best" thing and made myself puke it up. Oh yes I did! And yes, the weight literally fell off of me. That didn't make it right and it definitely didn't make it good for me. Not only was it bad for my body but it wasn't so good for my mind either. Now...put on top of that a long distance relationship with a guy that you knew...deep down in the pit of your stomach...was never, ever going to work out. Oh yes! I did!
**side note: for all the people that accused me of doing drugs when I was in KC, you were wrong. THIS is how I lost all my weight.**
Please do not take the time to tell me what is a good "diet" and/or "choice." Please respect that I will do whatever I choose to do. Just like you will choose to do what you want. And if that includes a can of Monster energy drink every day, then so be it! Who am I (or you) to judge???
I have never been a fan of things like Weight Watchers, where you need to pay to get the benefits and then on top of that, pay a higher price for a packaged meal. Nuh-uh, I like my real food, thanks! I did go to TOPS when I lived in Bedford years ago (where I made some life-long friends) and loved it. I think money was the top motivator then. Hell, it probably would be now if I had someone to go to these things with. I just do not know enough people in this area with the same likes as myself. And that spills over into needing a walking partner. Not necessarily someone to talk to while we walk. Just someone that is going to "go the course" with me and be there for each other through it and after it.
So back to Sharon's blog. She tells how she used to get up at 4am just to exercise! 4 a.m.!!! What the hell was she thinking????? And if that wasn't bad enough, she had young children! WHAT??? She should have had her head examined but hey, like I said, to each their own!!!
I have tried that whole "getting up and starting my day with exercise" BS and to this day, I concur that it is, in fact, complete BS. I do not know how anyone does it. I mean, if you are one that can and does, more power to you. Ugh, nothing will make me puke faster and think more negatively than exercising right after I wake up. A lot of times I work overnights and then go walking after work. But that's only after I have put in an 8 hour or more shift. I'm not doing that shit before work. I'm just not.
I will bring this to a close. I want Sharon to know that she has inspired me just when I thought all hope was lost for me. I have made some notes to get me started and am looking forward to this new journey. I was originally going to give a timeline but have changed my mind. I think I will just see how long it takes me to get where I need to be. And then.....like Sharon.....work to keep it off and live happily ever after in my new "lifestyle."
Sharon, if you're reading this...I thank you (and I may hate you before it's over). In all honesty your blog has helped pull me out of this "funk" I am feeling myself slide into. At least for a little bit, and hopefully for the next 200+ days. Thank you for not giving up on your talents and for continuing on your writing journey. It's people like me that need people like you to blog! Much love!!!
Some days you're the dog
So tonight my dog...my best friend...my faithful companion...bit me. Yep, he bit me right on the knuckle of my right hand. He didn't break the skin or anything but man, does it hurt under the skin. Probably bruised a little bit. I will live. I was playing with him and pretending I was going to "get" his back legs. For the record, I play this same game with him on a daily basis. Many, many times. Apparently, this time he was shit full of the game and meant business.
It was time to teach mommy a lesson and he did a good job of it. Made me tear up a little bit, that's how much it hurt. So my first reaction was to make him get down off my lap but I didn't. He already knew that he had hurt mommy because he immediately started licking my hand, so I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him for something I practically forced him to do.
Okay, maybe he is a little bit spoiled.....by me.
Anyway, as I was sitting there nursing my hand and wondering just why he got so forceful, a light came on. In my head. I know it's hard to believe but it did. And it wasn't like "Oh that is bright." It was more like "What's that light at the end of this tunnel? Oh wait, it's getting bigger and bigger and......oh man, I get it now!"
My dog had just acted out in the manner that I had been feeling on the inside. I have been stewing about it for a few days now and it took that bite to bring this thought to a head.
I want to be the dog. I want to be the one that bites back. I want to be the aggressor. And then sanity (stop laughing) returns for a bit and I realize that the better person in me doesn't want to be that dog.
I am no angel. I am no saint. I am not perfect. I am not indestructible. I am not "not" afraid of anything. I am living and breathing proof that God intends for us to make mistakes, live with mistakes, learn from mistakes, and deal with consequences of mistakes.
So, why do I feel it necessary to start lashing out? Why do I feel like I need to shake those around me and "make" them at least TRY to understand things from my view? Why must I always be accepting of everyone else and nobody has to reciprocate?
Is that the "good" in us? Is that what makes us the "better" person? Those of us that can just turn the other cheek and move on? I have done it for years and years but then sometimes..... it's like the little plastic turkey popper..... I get "done." And then I want to lash out. I want to do whatever it takes to make the madness...the stupidity..come to an end. I want that immediate "feel better."
Ugh! I need my dad here. He would know exactly what to do.
I have people around me at work that love to cling to drama. They feel that they need to know why someone is reacting, how they are reacting, or why they aren't reacting. And if they aren't reacting in such a manner that is expected...junior high begins. The stories get twisted to fit the needs of those "outsiders" that are looking in. And then if that isn't bad enough, those same people are the ones bitching about the shit-stirrers and drama whores.
I want to bite. I want to just scream to these people to step back and look at the big picture! "Is the way you are reacting to this piddly BS going to matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean really, what the fuck are you fighting for here? Come to work, do your work, go home, live your life." Who gives a rat's ass if your co-worker is fighting with their spouse or if your co-workers kids got a bad report at school? I do not. At least not at work. If you want to talk to me about it as a "person" because you just need someone to talk to or vent to, you have my number. I will listen. And if I can help with a solution, I will. But let's not let this petty crap stand between us and our work. Please! I can not stand the stories, the crying, the back stabbing. Let's just grow the hell up people!!!
I have a gal in my life that is experiencing one of the greatest joys of life... motherhood... and I will never be able to share that with her. I will never be a part of that child's life and no matter how I choose to tell this person, she. just. doesn't. get. it. Understand, I played a huge role in that outcome. I was dealt a hand of cards that I did not play good, or fair. But I played them. I played them for her. And no matter what I say or what I do, I will forever be penalized for that. But, I deal with that. And I think I do a pretty good job of it, too. I am expected to ride in a car with her next month to go visit relatives that are going to be in the area and as much as I would give my right arm to see them, the thought of riding in the car with her, knowing that she is going to want to talk about her baby and the life that she has planned for herself and her little family...a family that I can only have limited access to, makes me furious. And sad. And mad. And I'm not 100% sure I am going to go. I have no clue how to handle this situation.
Like I said: I played the cards that got me in this situation. I still want to bite though. I want to bite every single person that had any one thing to do with that whole thing. This definitely turned out to be one of those "I'd do it for you but you won't do it for me" kind of things. There is a song and it escapes me now.....Something to the effect of dying for someone who wouldn't die for you. Don't get me wrong. I would never ask anyone to die for me and I'm not doing that now. But, every time I hear that song, it takes me right back to her. Granted, I will love her till my last breath but for the love of all that is holy and right, why do I have to be subjected over and over, to something...to someone...that I can never have access to? To someone that will not be a part of my life? Wouldn't it just be easier to break all ties? I don't want to "win." Hell, I don't even want to fight. I just want life to be easy for a change.
The song.....
I don't know if it is the weather...the season...but something had me all tied up in knots. The smallest things make my stomach turn. The more ridiculous the person's reactions to things, the less I want to be around them. Oh how easy it would be to just turn and walk away and break all these ties. But then I remember..... these are people IN my life. They are ALWAYS going to be there in some way.
You can run but you can't hide. So I want to bite. Some days I just want to dig my teeth in and tear that shit up. Today is one of those days and I don't like the person that I am inside.
Someone just made a comment to me today on Facebook about how they have seen my soul and it's beautiful. They couldn't be more wrong actually. I feel like my soul is black and empty today. I know it will change. I just don't know when it will change.
I just hope I haven't bitten by then.
Okay, maybe he is a little bit spoiled.....by me.
Anyway, as I was sitting there nursing my hand and wondering just why he got so forceful, a light came on. In my head. I know it's hard to believe but it did. And it wasn't like "Oh that is bright." It was more like "What's that light at the end of this tunnel? Oh wait, it's getting bigger and bigger and......oh man, I get it now!"
My dog had just acted out in the manner that I had been feeling on the inside. I have been stewing about it for a few days now and it took that bite to bring this thought to a head.
I want to be the dog. I want to be the one that bites back. I want to be the aggressor. And then sanity (stop laughing) returns for a bit and I realize that the better person in me doesn't want to be that dog.
I am no angel. I am no saint. I am not perfect. I am not indestructible. I am not "not" afraid of anything. I am living and breathing proof that God intends for us to make mistakes, live with mistakes, learn from mistakes, and deal with consequences of mistakes.
So, why do I feel it necessary to start lashing out? Why do I feel like I need to shake those around me and "make" them at least TRY to understand things from my view? Why must I always be accepting of everyone else and nobody has to reciprocate?
Is that the "good" in us? Is that what makes us the "better" person? Those of us that can just turn the other cheek and move on? I have done it for years and years but then sometimes..... it's like the little plastic turkey popper..... I get "done." And then I want to lash out. I want to do whatever it takes to make the madness...the stupidity..come to an end. I want that immediate "feel better."
Ugh! I need my dad here. He would know exactly what to do.
I have people around me at work that love to cling to drama. They feel that they need to know why someone is reacting, how they are reacting, or why they aren't reacting. And if they aren't reacting in such a manner that is expected...junior high begins. The stories get twisted to fit the needs of those "outsiders" that are looking in. And then if that isn't bad enough, those same people are the ones bitching about the shit-stirrers and drama whores.
I want to bite. I want to just scream to these people to step back and look at the big picture! "Is the way you are reacting to this piddly BS going to matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean really, what the fuck are you fighting for here? Come to work, do your work, go home, live your life." Who gives a rat's ass if your co-worker is fighting with their spouse or if your co-workers kids got a bad report at school? I do not. At least not at work. If you want to talk to me about it as a "person" because you just need someone to talk to or vent to, you have my number. I will listen. And if I can help with a solution, I will. But let's not let this petty crap stand between us and our work. Please! I can not stand the stories, the crying, the back stabbing. Let's just grow the hell up people!!!
I have a gal in my life that is experiencing one of the greatest joys of life... motherhood... and I will never be able to share that with her. I will never be a part of that child's life and no matter how I choose to tell this person, she. just. doesn't. get. it. Understand, I played a huge role in that outcome. I was dealt a hand of cards that I did not play good, or fair. But I played them. I played them for her. And no matter what I say or what I do, I will forever be penalized for that. But, I deal with that. And I think I do a pretty good job of it, too. I am expected to ride in a car with her next month to go visit relatives that are going to be in the area and as much as I would give my right arm to see them, the thought of riding in the car with her, knowing that she is going to want to talk about her baby and the life that she has planned for herself and her little family...a family that I can only have limited access to, makes me furious. And sad. And mad. And I'm not 100% sure I am going to go. I have no clue how to handle this situation.
Like I said: I played the cards that got me in this situation. I still want to bite though. I want to bite every single person that had any one thing to do with that whole thing. This definitely turned out to be one of those "I'd do it for you but you won't do it for me" kind of things. There is a song and it escapes me now.....Something to the effect of dying for someone who wouldn't die for you. Don't get me wrong. I would never ask anyone to die for me and I'm not doing that now. But, every time I hear that song, it takes me right back to her. Granted, I will love her till my last breath but for the love of all that is holy and right, why do I have to be subjected over and over, to something...to someone...that I can never have access to? To someone that will not be a part of my life? Wouldn't it just be easier to break all ties? I don't want to "win." Hell, I don't even want to fight. I just want life to be easy for a change.
The song.....
I don't know if it is the weather...the season...but something had me all tied up in knots. The smallest things make my stomach turn. The more ridiculous the person's reactions to things, the less I want to be around them. Oh how easy it would be to just turn and walk away and break all these ties. But then I remember..... these are people IN my life. They are ALWAYS going to be there in some way.
You can run but you can't hide. So I want to bite. Some days I just want to dig my teeth in and tear that shit up. Today is one of those days and I don't like the person that I am inside.
Someone just made a comment to me today on Facebook about how they have seen my soul and it's beautiful. They couldn't be more wrong actually. I feel like my soul is black and empty today. I know it will change. I just don't know when it will change.
I just hope I haven't bitten by then.
2014/11/10
And the mother-of-the-year award goes to.....
The age old question. I have been asked at least a thousand times.
"Why didn't you have kids, Shellie?"
I could give you all sorts of excuses but I won't. The answer is "Because I didn't want to." Years ago, I was pregnant and miscarried twins. I didn't even really want kids then. My first husband and I went as far as to see a specialist about why I wasn't getting pregnant but I only did that for him. My heart was never, ever really in it. The miscarriage and the "luck" were true blessings to me.
I have to say that I have witnessed some pretty scary things by a lot of mothers that makes me glad I chose not to reproduce. And you should be glad too. -_- I joke a lot about there not being enough duct tape for me to have children but the more I think about it and the more I witness some of "today's" mothers, I'm almost convinced I could have been mother-of-the-year. More. Than. Once.
**MY DISCLAIMER** Now, before I start stating MY opinion, don't anyone get their panties in a wad. I have no single person picked out for this blog. But if the shoe fits.....oh look, you stepped in shit. I was asked to write a blog on this topic a while back and it has taken me some time to approach the subject but that doesn't mean I am pointing fingers at anyone in particular. And it doesn't mean I'm not. I am going to pick on the mothers tonight because well.....it's my blog and I will do what I want.
Anyway..... let's talk about some of the ways I could have been mother-of-the-year.
Tough love: My child would have fallen down a lot of times and I would have been there to help pick them up. That is, until they started falling down intentionally for the attention...the sympathy...the laziness of it all. Then I would have turned my back. Now, you might think "You can say that because you aren't a parent" but I happen to disagree. I am pretty good about not pulling any punches with most everyone I know so why would my own flesh and blood be any different? Yes, I realize it would be hard to watch your child struggle.....and I don't wish that on any parent....BUT if my child intentionally sabotaged their own luck...their own future...their own life...well then they're on their own. Yep, I'm a hard ass. Every child in America that is reading this is thanking God above that they didn't get stuck with me as a mommy.
Strength: A lot of you are going to disagree with me on this one. Okay every one of you are going to disagree with me on this one. It's a known fact that I believe crying shows weakness and I would raise my child to never, ever let any person see them cry. Not for one second. No matter how pissed off they get (because that's when I lose it) or how emotional they feel. If I hate anything, it is sadness and I do not like to make time for it in my life. I can just hear it now....."your child would be so fucked up, it wouldn't know up from down." Maybe so. But at least they would look strong. Now, on the other side of the coin, I do not mind one bit if my nephews and/or nieces cry to me. Matter of fact, I welcome it. I will always be there for any one of them if they need me to be.
Morals: The principles or rules of "right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical." This definition comes from dictionary.com. As a mother, my child would have known...at the appropriate age to learn...about all of my mistakes as a child, a teenager, and as a young woman. I would have shared the good, the bad, and the ugly. And I will be the first to admit...there has been a lot of ugly. I think in doing this, my child would understand that there are going to be mistakes made but that there is always a lesson to be learned. Also, my child would need to know that they are not invincible and just because I lived through something, doesn't mean they will.
Values: According to dictionary.com: relative worth, merit, or importance. There is a reason that I put the definition of these two on here. A lot of people get these two words confused, morals and values. My child would know...without a doubt...that they are loved; that they are beautiful, inside and out; that they are strong no matter how weak they feel; that they are the most important person in my life; that I am proud of everything they work hard for; and that they always have someone to talk to. Unless they are doing that whole sabotaging thing. Then they need to talk to their own people. I aint got time for that!
Commitment: I can't imagine that there would be anything more pressing in life, than your children's lifetime events. I realize also, that work can get in the way of a lot of stuff and sometimes shit happens. But the important stuff? No way! There just isn't a job on this earth that would make me miss my child's birthday party, church program, baptism, yada yada yada. You get my point. I read things all the time on Facebook where a parent has missed a child's birthday party because of work, because of a sporting event, or even because of a planned trip. And I just cannot imagine that. I can not, for the life of me, imagine NOT being at my child's special event! I do not care if the other parent is there or not. BE THERE! Be present in your child's life because if you're not present when they are growing up and "taking it all in," you aren't going to be there when they are able to make their own decisions and no longer want you around.
Role Model: I would do whatever it took to be the best role model my child had ever seen. In my fantasy world of motherhood, I would be with the father of my child. We would be married. We would be adults around our child/children. We would also be fun-loving "older kids" around our child/children. I think we can all agree there is a time and a place to be goofy with and around our children. There is also a time to be an adult. As a good role model, I would not step out on my spouse for any reason. If, for some reason, I felt life was just miserable with this person...I would pack my child/children up and leave. Simple as that. I would never take my child away out of their father's life unless he had done something that harmed them. In that case, it's a whole other ballgame. And because I have come to this realization without being a parent, I know for a fact that the whole "night life" would have come to an end about the time I knew that seed was planted. I'm not saying I wouldn't go out and have fun with my spouse and/or friends. But I would sure be a lot smarter about the people I was hanging out with and where I was hanging out with them at.
Respect: My child would know from a very young age, that respect has to be given in order to be received. He or she would know that you treat people the way you want to be treated. That you don't expect anything handed to you. That even something as small as a compliment is to be worked for as well as knowing that it is right to be generous in giving compliments out. My child would also know from a very young age, that you do not talk back to "elders." My child would NOT go to a friend's home and be rude or obnoxious to those parents. They just would not. That would be my job. And I am going to stick this one in here: I don't care WHO the President of the United States is, or if you do or do not agree with his or her policies but you WILL respect the office of the President. There's a fine line there and they need to learn it.....as early as they can understand it.
Authority: I am the boss. My law is most important, right after God's law. After God's and my law, you follow the law (even if my past mistakes didn't always do that) of the land. You, my child, will not always like it and you may be rebel against it at some point, but as long as you are under my roof, you will live it. Ha! How you like that???
Discipline: I would spank my child. A lot. And I say a lot because I know how often I got spanked as a child...everyone of them deserved....and well, with my spitfire inside of them, they are bound to push the limits. Just sayin'. I'm a realist. Call the cops. I don't care. If my parents would have put ME in time out...oh boy the fun I would have had with THAT!!!
Now that that is over, aren't you glad you aren't mine? Aren't you glad I don't make the decisions that affect your life? Aren't you glad I don't have control over you?
I once had someone tell me that I have no opinion about children because I'm not a parent. What a jack ass. I have an opinion about everything!
Just a few words from me to...........anyone who is willing to read this far. Whether you're from the US, UK, Netherlands, Poland, China, France, Russia, Sweden, Malaysia, Ukraine, Canada, Ireland, Germany.....wherever...until next time....thanks for reading and have a beautiful week!!!
2014/11/09
Where there's a will, there's a way
I have been planning this blog in my head for a couple of days now so I hope the transition from my head to my fingertips to this computer goes smoothly. You never know!
In my most recent blog, I told you that we have been going through some changes at work and that our Sheriff stepped down and one of the Deputies is now the Sheriff. So.....in all that mess, we had to replace one. So the hiring process began and that made a lot of us nervous. Who knew what asshole we could possibly get stuck with!! As a dispatcher, it makes a world of difference because these are the people you are going to spend a lot of time with.
So they go and hire this guy from the police department in a neighboring town...partly still in our county...but works for another county. I know...it's confusing. And kinda dumb. Whatever. When I heard we had hired him, my heart literally sank. We had just hired the biggest traffic nazi in the whole western state of Iowa. That was MY opinion, at least. I couldn't believe it. I just knew that once he was working nights:
I would never be able to leave my work chair again.
I would never again eat a hot meal at work.
I would never get to see The Big Bang Theory all the way through while on duty.
I would forever and ever be in traffic hell!
I was going to hate this guy. Oh hell, let's be honest, I already hated him! I heard him on the radio all the time running this car and that car and asking for all kinds of information from passerby's on the interstate. Ugh! "That's it! At least I am going to tell the Sheriff how I feel about this!"
And I did. I walked right up to him as he was doing paperwork and said "I cannot believe you hired "HIM." Of all the people on this earth, you hired the biggest traffic nazi out there! Not to mention a 20-something "I know all, I am all" little puke! I just want you to know that I am going to HATE working with him and when he sits on the interstate and runs traffic for a full 8 hours, I will be calling YOU when he goes home because I will want to inconvenience you like I will be inconvenienced."
Oh that Sheriff! He laughed at me. He told me to relax and breathe. He said it will be alright and that he takes full responsibility for the actions of "HIM." He assured me that once I got to know him, I would see how he really is. Oh I know how he really is dude. I listen to him on the radio almost every night now and fantasize about tying his tongue in a knot. Let the stress begin!
I made it clear to every person I talked to that I did not like this guy and had no plans to ever like him or like working with him. That was my story and I was sticking to it. The first night that we worked together, he was riding with another Deputy and I couldn't find a sense of humor on this guy to save my life. At this point, I figured my days here were numbered. The thought of working with someone that I absolutely couldn't stand was more than I was willing to go through.....again.
If any of you remember, I had a rough start with the previous "FNG" and I didn't want a repeat of that. Definitely not worth it.
So the first night that this guy is on duty solo, guess what he does? He stops my husband. Oh yes, he did. And I just knew it was going to go downhill from there. If my co-workers thought I was a stubborn bitch now...well, they hadn't seen anything yet. Needless to say it was a couple of days before he and I had any face-to-face contact.
Well now...for the sake of my fingertips and your sanity, I will fast forward a few months. As of today, this guy has hurt my feelings and been a real dick cheese to me; but I have to say that he did not hurt my feelings intentionally and that whole dick cheese thing...well I was probably just as bad to him so I'll let it slide. It does come with the job sometimes. But I make sure he knows when he's being a dick cheese.
I have sent this guy a Facebook friend request and within 24 hours, rescinded it. Luckily he hadn't accepted at that point or it might have just turned ugly. He actually sent me a request after that and I didn't accept it. (I'll show him who's stubborn!) We have "bonded" over coffee and think we finally have each other figured out. He's a dick cheese and I'm the Queen. Yep! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
We are now friends. I mean who couldn't be friends with a guy that:
*is an animal lover
*is a coffee drinker...and loves hazelnut creamer! BONUS!
*is a Walking Dead fan
*is left-handed (like me!)
*is quick witted and has a fantastic sense of humor (Yes it took a while but it came out)
*is a quick thinker
*is ready to help when it is asked of him and ready to do his job to the best of his ability
*pretty health-conscious overall
*****holds his wife up on a pedestal and tells the world how hot she is and how in love he is with her. (There is a reason this gets 5 stars you know!) I told him it is rare to hear men talk about their wives like that and it is very refreshing.
This guy is adorable on so many levels and I absolutely look forward to working with him. Even if he does make me do more work than the others!!! We get along great and eventually I foresee a brother/sister kind of relationship. I already find myself asking him all kinds of advice about work. He and his wife...whom I will probably never get to meet because he's a big chicken shit...are expecting their first baby in the near future. I am SO freaking excited for them!!! He is going to be such a wonderful daddy and it is fun to watch these tough guys turn soft when it comes to a little baby.
For the record, I have told every person in my office how I misjudged this man AND I have even told him. More than once. We honestly could not have asked for a better man to represent our county and keep our roads safe.
I know it's rare to see but I was so completely wrong about this guy...even though he has made me doubt it once or twice. Yep, I won't judge another until I know the full story and have lived the misery.
Oh hell, who am I kidding??? We will have another new Deputy the first of the year and I'm sure my world will turn crazy again. Oh well, at least I'll have my new friend to talk me off that ledge!! -_-
Well there you have it. I hope you enjoyed that little tidbit. Now on to bigger and better things. Who knows where the next blog is going to end up! Until next time...thanks for reading!!!
2014/11/08
A change in scenery
Hey! Long time, no see! I hope you didn't forget about me. I needed a break from thinking and thought maybe you could use a break from my bitching.
-_-
Back in 2012, I had written some blogs about the Sheriff and Deputies that I work with and wanted to catch you up on the happenings around here and the changes...so I took a stroll through memory lane and re-read the blogs that I had written about these men I work for and with. Let me begin by saying that I nearly laughed myself out of my chair. Oh the memories. And oh how some things...opinions...have changed.
And my blogs were much funnier when I typed what I thought. So here's your warning. My sailor talk is coming back.
Walk with me. Let's talk.
Back in 2012, "The Big Kahuna" was the Sheriff. I referred to him as the Big K for the sake of the blog. I explained to you how he was a huge smart ass with just enough of a dry sense of humor that he could trick you into almost anything. One person had described him as an ostrich one minute and bouncing off the walls the next.
Well...fast forward to 2014. He has stepped down from his position as County Sheriff and moved on to life in the slower, less hassling lane. He doesn't have to care what people say or think anymore and I'm pretty sure that if he doesn't want to get out of bed that day, he won't. Good for him. I know he has been ready to move on for quite some time. I wish you well, sir.
OK so now we need to rewind back to 2012 again.
"DIC" was second-in-command. Remember, DIC stood for Deputy in Charge. Not meant to be confused with dick. Because he was a prick. Did you get all that? DIC was down-to-earth, likable, and comparable to a teddy bear. Even though he swears he doesn't make friends and nobody likes him.
Fast forward to 2014. DIC is still second-in-command but is getting ready to retire at the end of this year. 53 days to go. And I'm pretty sure we are all counting the days by now. He has turned into the grumpiest, hateful man that I have known in my life. And I've known some real jack asses!! He takes the cake anymore, though. Nothing.....and I mean NOTHING.....can please him. He could tell you to take a piece of chalk and go outside and draw a circle and then in the next breath tell you that you did it wrong because you didn't do it the same way he would have done it. I am truly going to miss the man that he was when I first started this job. He always made work fun but that has come to a screeching halt. The only thing that could make him smile now is if all of us failed. And I'm not stretching this truth one bit.
Back to 2012 now. I kinda feel like I'm in the "Back to the Future" movie suddenly. Can't decide where I need to be. Sorry, I will be over that soon.
"Hot Shot" was next. Third in command and absolutely my favorite Deputy of all time. Outside of my own flesh and blood family that is. Hot Shot was the generous, ready-to-teach guy that always found something positive to say about everyone. I kinda felt like we had a brother/sister friendship with the exception that we got along better than me and my brothers.
Skipping forward again to 2014. Hot Shot is now our Sheriff. He stepped up and took the position of Sheriff when "Big K" stepped down. I know he wasn't ready for it but he got it anyway and I believe that he is going to be a phenomenal Sheriff. He thinks things through and looks at everything from all angles. In my initial blog about him, I said that it terrified me to even think about working for him but I have to admit...I was wrong! Phenomenal is all I got.
Back we go. 2012. Again. I hope you're not getting dizzy. I didn't pack any nausea meds.
"Loverboy" wasn't next in the line of blogs because I had talked about him before even thinking about writing about the others. Loverboy is the man as tall as a house with the voice of a teddy bear. He always has good things to say about people...especially his wife...even if she doesn't always believe it. I referred to him as "the last great man on earth" because of the sick and disgusting things he would dream up to say to her. And by sick and disgusting, I mean loving and beautiful. Those DO mean the same thing, right???
Anyway, catch up. I'm in 2014 again. Am I wearing you out?
Loverboy is now third in command and doesn't work any late nights anymore. And since I do work nights, it was quite a change for me to hear him go home at 20:00 hrs. I was pretty sure I was never going to get his number straight in my head. I was calling him all kinds of numbers that weren't his! Loverboy still is...and I'm sure always will be...the same teddy bear that I described him as before. His wife and I have agreed that should he ever need dentures and can't brush them himself, I would gladly take care of his teeth. I have never understood her fear and disgust of dentures but hey...I'm terrified of little people so.....
One last time here.....2012.
The last blog that I did about the last Deputy..... "FNG." Fucking New Guy. Now, I honestly don't even know where to begin with this guy. He and I butted heads a couple of times. Loudly. In the blog that I found about him, he was compared to a brown recluse spider. Comes out, attacks, and leaves. And I suppose I thought it was my job to stomp on him since we all know how spiders make me sick. But.....I could never do that. Because spiders paralyze me. Such a vicious cycle. In the blog, I had "misjudged" FNG and had admitted such. I was ready to forgive and forget; give the man another chance like I knew I needed to. In the blog, I said that it wasn't the first time I had blogged about him and I remember being mad as hell and referring to him as "IT" through the whole entire thing. I have got to find that blog because it just HAS to be a real kick in the pants!
For the last time, folks.....2014. We made it.
"FNG" is no longer the FNG. He is fourth in command presently and.....ok you may want to sit down for this.....awesome to work with. That is, when he isn't being mean to me. He is very good about explaining how things can get done if we work together. He is (for the most part) a pretty likable human being. I know...strange, huh??? If I have a question about how to enter information or how to find information, he is very good about helping me figure it out. He pushes me to look for things that I wouldn't probably look for, for the others. AND.....he and his wife had a baby last year. I had a BLAST getting him his "Daddy's 1st baby" kit and had a couple of special things handmade for their precious little girl. It was very fun to watch him go from "Oh it's a girl. I'm not even going to bond with her." to "Look at my baby girl. Isn't she awesome?" And she is pretty awesome from what I see. She must get that from her mother! Haha!!
I will stop here for now. I have another blog to follow up with. About our new guy. I think you're gonna like what you read. :)
Until next time...thanks so much for stopping by and chatting with me. I have missed you, friend. We will be talking very, very soon.
-_-
Back in 2012, I had written some blogs about the Sheriff and Deputies that I work with and wanted to catch you up on the happenings around here and the changes...so I took a stroll through memory lane and re-read the blogs that I had written about these men I work for and with. Let me begin by saying that I nearly laughed myself out of my chair. Oh the memories. And oh how some things...opinions...have changed.
And my blogs were much funnier when I typed what I thought. So here's your warning. My sailor talk is coming back.
Walk with me. Let's talk.
Back in 2012, "The Big Kahuna" was the Sheriff. I referred to him as the Big K for the sake of the blog. I explained to you how he was a huge smart ass with just enough of a dry sense of humor that he could trick you into almost anything. One person had described him as an ostrich one minute and bouncing off the walls the next.
Well...fast forward to 2014. He has stepped down from his position as County Sheriff and moved on to life in the slower, less hassling lane. He doesn't have to care what people say or think anymore and I'm pretty sure that if he doesn't want to get out of bed that day, he won't. Good for him. I know he has been ready to move on for quite some time. I wish you well, sir.
OK so now we need to rewind back to 2012 again.
"DIC" was second-in-command. Remember, DIC stood for Deputy in Charge. Not meant to be confused with dick. Because he was a prick. Did you get all that? DIC was down-to-earth, likable, and comparable to a teddy bear. Even though he swears he doesn't make friends and nobody likes him.
Fast forward to 2014. DIC is still second-in-command but is getting ready to retire at the end of this year. 53 days to go. And I'm pretty sure we are all counting the days by now. He has turned into the grumpiest, hateful man that I have known in my life. And I've known some real jack asses!! He takes the cake anymore, though. Nothing.....and I mean NOTHING.....can please him. He could tell you to take a piece of chalk and go outside and draw a circle and then in the next breath tell you that you did it wrong because you didn't do it the same way he would have done it. I am truly going to miss the man that he was when I first started this job. He always made work fun but that has come to a screeching halt. The only thing that could make him smile now is if all of us failed. And I'm not stretching this truth one bit.
Back to 2012 now. I kinda feel like I'm in the "Back to the Future" movie suddenly. Can't decide where I need to be. Sorry, I will be over that soon.
"Hot Shot" was next. Third in command and absolutely my favorite Deputy of all time. Outside of my own flesh and blood family that is. Hot Shot was the generous, ready-to-teach guy that always found something positive to say about everyone. I kinda felt like we had a brother/sister friendship with the exception that we got along better than me and my brothers.
Skipping forward again to 2014. Hot Shot is now our Sheriff. He stepped up and took the position of Sheriff when "Big K" stepped down. I know he wasn't ready for it but he got it anyway and I believe that he is going to be a phenomenal Sheriff. He thinks things through and looks at everything from all angles. In my initial blog about him, I said that it terrified me to even think about working for him but I have to admit...I was wrong! Phenomenal is all I got.
Back we go. 2012. Again. I hope you're not getting dizzy. I didn't pack any nausea meds.
"Loverboy" wasn't next in the line of blogs because I had talked about him before even thinking about writing about the others. Loverboy is the man as tall as a house with the voice of a teddy bear. He always has good things to say about people...especially his wife...even if she doesn't always believe it. I referred to him as "the last great man on earth" because of the sick and disgusting things he would dream up to say to her. And by sick and disgusting, I mean loving and beautiful. Those DO mean the same thing, right???
Anyway, catch up. I'm in 2014 again. Am I wearing you out?
Loverboy is now third in command and doesn't work any late nights anymore. And since I do work nights, it was quite a change for me to hear him go home at 20:00 hrs. I was pretty sure I was never going to get his number straight in my head. I was calling him all kinds of numbers that weren't his! Loverboy still is...and I'm sure always will be...the same teddy bear that I described him as before. His wife and I have agreed that should he ever need dentures and can't brush them himself, I would gladly take care of his teeth. I have never understood her fear and disgust of dentures but hey...I'm terrified of little people so.....
One last time here.....2012.
The last blog that I did about the last Deputy..... "FNG." Fucking New Guy. Now, I honestly don't even know where to begin with this guy. He and I butted heads a couple of times. Loudly. In the blog that I found about him, he was compared to a brown recluse spider. Comes out, attacks, and leaves. And I suppose I thought it was my job to stomp on him since we all know how spiders make me sick. But.....I could never do that. Because spiders paralyze me. Such a vicious cycle. In the blog, I had "misjudged" FNG and had admitted such. I was ready to forgive and forget; give the man another chance like I knew I needed to. In the blog, I said that it wasn't the first time I had blogged about him and I remember being mad as hell and referring to him as "IT" through the whole entire thing. I have got to find that blog because it just HAS to be a real kick in the pants!
For the last time, folks.....2014. We made it.
"FNG" is no longer the FNG. He is fourth in command presently and.....ok you may want to sit down for this.....awesome to work with. That is, when he isn't being mean to me. He is very good about explaining how things can get done if we work together. He is (for the most part) a pretty likable human being. I know...strange, huh??? If I have a question about how to enter information or how to find information, he is very good about helping me figure it out. He pushes me to look for things that I wouldn't probably look for, for the others. AND.....he and his wife had a baby last year. I had a BLAST getting him his "Daddy's 1st baby" kit and had a couple of special things handmade for their precious little girl. It was very fun to watch him go from "Oh it's a girl. I'm not even going to bond with her." to "Look at my baby girl. Isn't she awesome?" And she is pretty awesome from what I see. She must get that from her mother! Haha!!
I will stop here for now. I have another blog to follow up with. About our new guy. I think you're gonna like what you read. :)
Until next time...thanks so much for stopping by and chatting with me. I have missed you, friend. We will be talking very, very soon.
2014/10/19
Is this what an emotional wreck feels like?
I have been trying to put my feelings into words for days. For weeks. Maybe even for months. I figured I may as well try to do it here. Maybe seeing the words start to come out will make them flow more easily. I don't know but as usual I'm up for giving it the ole college try.
Back in September, I hosted a "Girls Day In" party and invited about 60 people. About 20 showed up and we had so many laughs. My goal was to get us to really dig deep into our souls and think about the things that mean the most to us; whether those things were material or emotional. The "exercises" that I had for us to do came out of a book called "Soul Pancake" and let me tell you...this book has done so much for me. I can't even begin to tell you how it changed my way of thinking. Thinking about myself to thinking about others to thinking about how my reactions really do affect those around me. This isn't just a book to read. It's a book of activities that pull from your depths, if you give it a chance. I recommend it for every person.
Ok...that being said, I guess since that day I have felt such a sense of loss and I can not pinpoint exactly where that feeling is coming from. And since that day, I have even "unfriended" one of them on Facebook. But not for reasons that you would think. I still love this person for every good quality that I did before and I have a special place in my heart for her. BUT, her walls got too tall for me. I got tired of climbing before I even started. Her words were, "You like me for the way I am or you don't need to be in my life." And her words rang in my heart for so long after that. Actually, they sometimes still haunt my thoughts. So I took myself out of the equation. And when she asked me why, I told her that I see her walls getting higher and higher and she doesn't want to let anyone in and that isn't how my heart works. That isn't the kind of person I want in my life.
And maybe that wasn't fair of me. I don't know. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I should have had a "set down" and told her how I felt, before I just cut that tie. But I didn't. I did what she said she wants people to do. Now.....was I trying to teach her a lesson or was I trying to teach myself one? Because truth be told, I miss her. I miss the friend that I had before Girls Day In. Sometimes I think that party did more harm than it did good. Don't get me wrong. I heard some things that day that I will remember for the rest of my days, and I still laugh about them to this day. And maybe what I am feeling is how I think of myself in years past. I think we all have walls...to some extent. But for a while, my walls were filled with righteousness and pride and nobody was going to treat me like I didn't want to be treated and nobody was going to tell me that I couldn't do this or couldn't do that. I think I pushed someone away that, in total honesty, is...or was...going through something just like I did but at a much more extreme level. So I have asked myself a thousand times.....was it fair for me to just cut her off like that?
One of these days, she and I are going to have lunch and talk. I mean really talk. And I think we will be even better friends after that, than we were to start with.
Another thing that has held onto my soul and rang in my ears from that day is "If it weren't for Shellie, I wouldn't be here today." All I could think was "huh?" I was literally dumbfounded and shocked that anyone would even say that. I haven't been anything more than a friend. I haven't done anything spectacular for this gal or her family other than be a friend. I would love to say that I have done some amazing things for her but I can't. I mean...what could I possibly have done to have anyone give me credit like that? I have pondered a million times what it could mean and have come up with nothing. Did she consider suicide ever? Did she consider running away? I quickly follow up with "No way, she wouldn't do that to her girls. She loves them way too much." Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to belittle her or anything like that. I am honestly quite honored that she gives me so much credit. And in all honesty, if I could do more for her than just be that friend, I would do it in a heartbeat. I have told Quintin a hundred times (at least), "If we ever win the lottery, we are making sure they are well taken care of!" But isn't that what any person would say about their friend?
Well, that one comment has made me think differently about people. All people. It has made me be a little more compassionate and a little more thoughtful of others. It has made me work harder to be the person I really want to be. That person that is buried deep inside and just clawing her way to get to the outside.
We have this new Deputy at work and I will be the first to admit that I was not looking forward to working with him. He had a reputation (at least we thought he did) for being a real traffic nazi. In the north part of our county, it seemed he was always on the radio running someone or something. And I told him straight up that I didn't like him and was not going to go out of my way to get along with him. I figured he should know straight up, right? I even went as far as going to the Sheriff and telling him what a huge mistake he had made hiring this guy! Well, it wasn't long before he and I got to work together and got to goofing around and now I think he is a pretty darn cool man. He is dedicated to his job...and not always on the radio as I had presumed he would be...and is dedicated to his wife. It is a very refreshing thing to hear a man say his wife is "hot." He smiles when he talks about her and you can really see how much he loves her. And I think that is an amazing quality in a person. He needs to spread a little of that sunshine my husbands way. Ha!
Anyway, the reason I even mentioned this guy is because I was SO wrong about him. I wasn't the least bit interested in giving him a chance. And here I am...saying I was wrong. SO SO wrong. And for the record, I have told him (at least twenty times) how big of a mistake I made even thinking that and apologized. He just laughs at me and tells me to get over it. I don't ever want to be that person that doesn't give someone a chance. And the sad thing is that I didn't even think I WAS that person! That is not the way I was raised. That is not the way my mom and dad would want me to be or act.
Well, I was able to get a couple things off my chest. It's nice to do that. Feels good.
I have a family member that I love so very much that is in poor health and dying and each day it seems to work on my heart. I don't know what's worse...losing someone in an instant or knowing ahead of time that you are going to have to say goodbye. That's how we lost dad and mom. Dad's death was quick and hurtful (for us) and mom's was drawn out and painful (again, for us). Saying goodbye is one of the worst things to have to do. I catch myself every day thinking of things I want to say to this person but can't. And not because they don't want to know or because I just "can't," but because this person wants to live their life and not be brought down. I can respect that. So I'll just keep my thoughts to myself.
So many thoughts and emotions just roll around between my head and my heart and I can't seem to keep them "in check." I guess I'll just keep doing what I'm doing until I feel like I can't hold my head above water anymore. If that happens, I hope someone is there with a rope. Pull me back up please. At least back to where I can tread some water again.
Sorry if this was such a downer. Just needed to talk. Thanks for being there to listen. Until next time.....thanks for reading!
2014/08/29
Watch my words
I had three days of refresher jail school this week and for those of you that just so happen to be on my Facebook, you should know by now that I don't always give "real" value to my words when I post a status update. By that, I mean that just because I say it has been a really crappy day, it doesn't mean there weren't some things that didn't make me smile or laugh. So, with that being said, I will tell you that I posted a status about being in jail school and would keep my remarks to myself because the instructor was on my Facebook.
Apparently, more than one person took my status as me complaining about being there. First of all, I complain anytime I have to go and sit at jail school. If they want me to get excited about it, try booking Luke Bryan to come in and teach for a day. Heck, I'd even take an hour! I think it's just a knee-jerk reaction for me to dread it because school never really tripped my trigger. I only agreed to go to school at all because it was a chance to hang out with all my friends. Well, that and my parents forced me to go. Yeah, there was that part.....
So a friend comments about how stupid it is that we have to go to jail school to learn things that we already know how to do. This friend went on to say what a waste of tax dollars it was. And that stung a little bit. But I'm not blaming this friend at all. I'm blaming myself because apparently my status was negative. That isn't what I was really intending. When I had posted the status, we were on a break from a speaker that I had never heard before and he wasn't really making much of an impact on me. I knew we had close to an hour left with him and from what I had heard in the first hour, I didn't think I would make it through the second hour without drawing at least one hangman in the margin of my notebook.
Well, truth be told I had spoken too soon. The second hour was much more informative and I actually enjoyed the speaker and the topic. I guess I need to keep my fingers to myself until I know how the whole session is going to go. So there's that.
Something else I'd like to share with you from my recent jail school.....
We all know there are good cops and there are bad cops and I seem to spend a lot of time defending a lot of them when I don't have to. 99.9% of them I don't even know and never will know. I know a lot of cops but it's a very minute (my-noot?) number in comparison to the number of them I find myself defending. But on the other hand, I hear a lot of people bad-mouth 99.9% of cops for personal reasons. It's no surprise that about half of the people I call friends, don't like cops; and some of them go to extremes to point out anything they can to "prove" how cops are bad. But if their homes get broken into, it's not the local crack head they want to come protect them now is it?
Anyway, I am getting off topic and I could go on that topic all day long. Just know that if you are one of my cop bashing friends, I won't stop loving you. But I probably won't go out of my way to spend a lot of time with you either. I have cop blood in me, what can I say? No apologies coming out of my mouth.
Back to what I was going to talk about.....
We saw a lot of video presentations about good cops, bad cops, about mistakes that cops make, and about mistakes that the public sometimes make. Cops are human and they make mistakes. Sometimes their mistakes are stupid and sometimes their mistakes are even innocent. They're just like the rest of us!!! Go figure! Under no circumstances will any person ever make me believe that there are more bad cops than good cops.
We saw videos where cop cars ran into other cars; into poles; into people. And the videos made some of us gasp. Some people even cried. I thought one gal was going to get sick. As a dispatcher, I think this is good for us to see. Not that we could ever fully prepare ourselves for anything emotional but we can kinda see WHY we need to be strong on the radio; why we need to be confident in our abilities; why we need to take a step back sometimes and just breathe.
When you go to your work, do you have to even consider that one of your co-workers could die doing their job? And if so, do you think about how you WOULD react compared to how you SHOULD react? I do it every day. Seriously. Every day I get a lump in my throat thinking that my guys are out there "serving and protecting" a lot of people that wouldn't give two shits if they lived or died. I want my guys going home after their shifts. Every day and every night. I want them going home to their wife and kids.
One of our speakers asked us to close our eyes and "just listen" as "Amazing Grace" was belted out on a trumpet. He kept saying things like "Have you ever been to a cops funeral?" and then "Was the American flag draped over the casket?" and then, "Was there a long procession of law enforcement vehicles?"
What the hell man, I can't stop thinking about my dad's funeral now, thanks. No, he didn't die in the line of fire. He wasn't even a cop when he died. But he loved that life and he was very, very good at it and his funeral was a mighty big one. There were a lot of Sheriff's, Deputies, Policemen, Troopers, you name it... And I don't remember much of it. That's what I was told. That law enforcement came from all over. I have shut out most of dad's funeral from my mind. I have to or I will again never get over it.
So after only a few seconds, my eyes were open. I still listened but I couldn't close my eyes. I couldn't have those images flashing around in my head all day. And if anybody else in that room has been through that, I'm sure they felt the same way. Amazing Grace makes me cry anyway, just like the National Anthem does. So I have to make my mind go crazy with other things, just to get through it. I don't like people to see me cry. Plain and simple.
So about jail school. We have to have so many hours every year to keep current on jail policies as well as any new training that we may need in our jobs. Crime changes all the time and so do the procedures on how we handle the crimes. We aren't going to school to learn things we already know. Who does that? Why is it acceptable for hair dressers and CPA's to have annual continuing education but not the civil servants? Come on people, think!
The highlight of my week was when the little gal at Pizza Ranch asked one of my co-workers if he wanted the "Senior Discount or just the adult price?" Thank God the Sheriff was there to hold me up, otherwise I would have been on the floor laughing. Literally. Oh the fun we have when we are let loose outside of town!!!
Thanks for reading...for what it's worth. I just felt like "getting it out there." Until next time.....my wish for you is that your basements are dry and your potty's are not overflowing with rain water. Ick! -_-
#supportmira <3 <3 <3
Apparently, more than one person took my status as me complaining about being there. First of all, I complain anytime I have to go and sit at jail school. If they want me to get excited about it, try booking Luke Bryan to come in and teach for a day. Heck, I'd even take an hour! I think it's just a knee-jerk reaction for me to dread it because school never really tripped my trigger. I only agreed to go to school at all because it was a chance to hang out with all my friends. Well, that and my parents forced me to go. Yeah, there was that part.....
So a friend comments about how stupid it is that we have to go to jail school to learn things that we already know how to do. This friend went on to say what a waste of tax dollars it was. And that stung a little bit. But I'm not blaming this friend at all. I'm blaming myself because apparently my status was negative. That isn't what I was really intending. When I had posted the status, we were on a break from a speaker that I had never heard before and he wasn't really making much of an impact on me. I knew we had close to an hour left with him and from what I had heard in the first hour, I didn't think I would make it through the second hour without drawing at least one hangman in the margin of my notebook.
Well, truth be told I had spoken too soon. The second hour was much more informative and I actually enjoyed the speaker and the topic. I guess I need to keep my fingers to myself until I know how the whole session is going to go. So there's that.
Something else I'd like to share with you from my recent jail school.....
We all know there are good cops and there are bad cops and I seem to spend a lot of time defending a lot of them when I don't have to. 99.9% of them I don't even know and never will know. I know a lot of cops but it's a very minute (my-noot?) number in comparison to the number of them I find myself defending. But on the other hand, I hear a lot of people bad-mouth 99.9% of cops for personal reasons. It's no surprise that about half of the people I call friends, don't like cops; and some of them go to extremes to point out anything they can to "prove" how cops are bad. But if their homes get broken into, it's not the local crack head they want to come protect them now is it?
Anyway, I am getting off topic and I could go on that topic all day long. Just know that if you are one of my cop bashing friends, I won't stop loving you. But I probably won't go out of my way to spend a lot of time with you either. I have cop blood in me, what can I say? No apologies coming out of my mouth.
Back to what I was going to talk about.....
We saw a lot of video presentations about good cops, bad cops, about mistakes that cops make, and about mistakes that the public sometimes make. Cops are human and they make mistakes. Sometimes their mistakes are stupid and sometimes their mistakes are even innocent. They're just like the rest of us!!! Go figure! Under no circumstances will any person ever make me believe that there are more bad cops than good cops.
We saw videos where cop cars ran into other cars; into poles; into people. And the videos made some of us gasp. Some people even cried. I thought one gal was going to get sick. As a dispatcher, I think this is good for us to see. Not that we could ever fully prepare ourselves for anything emotional but we can kinda see WHY we need to be strong on the radio; why we need to be confident in our abilities; why we need to take a step back sometimes and just breathe.
When you go to your work, do you have to even consider that one of your co-workers could die doing their job? And if so, do you think about how you WOULD react compared to how you SHOULD react? I do it every day. Seriously. Every day I get a lump in my throat thinking that my guys are out there "serving and protecting" a lot of people that wouldn't give two shits if they lived or died. I want my guys going home after their shifts. Every day and every night. I want them going home to their wife and kids.
One of our speakers asked us to close our eyes and "just listen" as "Amazing Grace" was belted out on a trumpet. He kept saying things like "Have you ever been to a cops funeral?" and then "Was the American flag draped over the casket?" and then, "Was there a long procession of law enforcement vehicles?"
What the hell man, I can't stop thinking about my dad's funeral now, thanks. No, he didn't die in the line of fire. He wasn't even a cop when he died. But he loved that life and he was very, very good at it and his funeral was a mighty big one. There were a lot of Sheriff's, Deputies, Policemen, Troopers, you name it... And I don't remember much of it. That's what I was told. That law enforcement came from all over. I have shut out most of dad's funeral from my mind. I have to or I will again never get over it.
So after only a few seconds, my eyes were open. I still listened but I couldn't close my eyes. I couldn't have those images flashing around in my head all day. And if anybody else in that room has been through that, I'm sure they felt the same way. Amazing Grace makes me cry anyway, just like the National Anthem does. So I have to make my mind go crazy with other things, just to get through it. I don't like people to see me cry. Plain and simple.
So about jail school. We have to have so many hours every year to keep current on jail policies as well as any new training that we may need in our jobs. Crime changes all the time and so do the procedures on how we handle the crimes. We aren't going to school to learn things we already know. Who does that? Why is it acceptable for hair dressers and CPA's to have annual continuing education but not the civil servants? Come on people, think!
The highlight of my week was when the little gal at Pizza Ranch asked one of my co-workers if he wanted the "Senior Discount or just the adult price?" Thank God the Sheriff was there to hold me up, otherwise I would have been on the floor laughing. Literally. Oh the fun we have when we are let loose outside of town!!!
Thanks for reading...for what it's worth. I just felt like "getting it out there." Until next time.....my wish for you is that your basements are dry and your potty's are not overflowing with rain water. Ick! -_-
#supportmira <3 <3 <3
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