In one way the process is benefiting me because when I go to the gym now and walk the track, or get on the rowing machine, or tromp on that damn elliptical, I find myself looking up or sometimes even spacing off, and getting lost in what I'm feeling, how I want to verbalize it, or even how I need to "brush it off" and the next thing I know, I am working out like a monster. I push myself to limits that I don't think possible on "normal" days. I find myself exhausted both physically and mentally.
Several people have told me to "talk it out," but I have a few problems with that. Problem number one is the inner fight on WHO I want to talk it out with. It's not like I can just go to anyone and blurt all this out because they are going to look at me and say "Okay, who is that?" or "What does this have to do with this?" or even "Why are you wasting your time on this?" And you might be thinking "I wouldn't say that to her," but in the scope of reality, you wouldn't have a clue how it all tied together if you didn't know the situation around it all.
Oh crap, I think I am even confusing myself here. I think I just over thought that one. Anyway.....
Problem number one sprouts into problem number two. I only have a select one or two that I feel I can tell all to, and get reactive and possibly positive feedback, brainstorming and problem-solving, all in one fell-swoop. The problem isn't that there are only one or two. The problem is that our schedules don't match up enough for us to have the time to talk. And it doesn't look like it's going to get any better for the whole month of April.
The next problem that I have...and don't laugh...is that I can not talk about this without literally breaking down and crying. And I have promised myself that I am not going to utter these words out loud in a blubbering mess. Mainly because I don't understand why this affects me as much as it does. I have even tried getting the crying part out and THEN talk about it but I can't seem to do that either. It just starts all over again. So I just dig another hole and drop it in there, cover it up and move on.
Nobody should do that. If this was one of my sisters acting like this, I would want her to talk it out so why can't I just do it??? Kathy and I will be leaving for a girl's weekend in a couple of weeks. If I haven't figured this out by then, she may just have to listen to me cry. I don't know what else to do. If I have to wait for my "go-to" person to get back to normal scheduling, I may blow up before then.
Well.....I bet you're just as lost now as you were when I started, huh? Good. It will prepare you for what's coming up. I can't promise this won't be a hugely long and possibly insane blog post so at least you were warned. Time to vent.
This post is dedicated solely to YOU: From the day I met you, you were a perfect fit into my world and all that I had learned from my dad. You had my instant respect and loyalty from that day and I didn't think anything would, or even could, change that. You are a very smart person that thinks things through. You don't just jump. You weigh your pros and cons and you take others' advice and think that through as well. You genuinely care about people and about what they say. I have always thought you were a born leader.
Key word back there: thought. I do not think that anymore. I am embarrassed at the kind of leader you have become. You have not only turned your back on those that need your leadership and your presence, but you have made those people feel invaluable and as if they don't matter. You don't have time for those that are your biggest supporters; were your biggest supporters. You took the title and ran as if that was all you ever wanted in the first place. I don't know, maybe it is all you ever wanted. Maybe you have just been "playing the system" from day one. I don't know what to think anymore. And I don't know why I care so much.
There are things going on right under your nose that you should know about. Things that you should be seeing. But you choose to look the other way. You choose to ride it out. Is it because you just don't care anymore? Is that title worth the respect that you are losing every precious day? Are you prepared to be the next "joke" in the place? Are you seriously too busy for your own people? Too busy to listen? Too busy to care? Because that's what I'm seeing. And I'm not the only one. I'm just the only one that is willing to put it out there.
And it will be put out there. I don't know when and I don't know how but it will. Like I said before, I don't know why I care so much; but I do. I am trying not to though. One of these days you are going to need something and it's going to be too late.
I am one of the few people that would jump when you say jump;
I am one of the few people that would bend over backward to make sure you got done what you needed done;
and I am one of the few people that would always have your back;
But I may not always be there.
At least not for you. I don't know how long I can wait for you to get your head out of your ass and realize that we need you. We need you to be present and active. I need you to be present and active. Otherwise, I am going to stop caring and 100% of my loyalty is going to lie somewhere else. It may not sound like much now but it's not a pretty sight to see your own people turn their backs on the one that is supposed to be their "leader."
I am disgusted.
I am embarrassed.
I am angry.
I am sad.
And I don't want to be your friend.
As juvenile as that may sound right now, I don't want to be friends with someone who forgets their own. I don't want to be a part of something that is a false-front. I don't want to be a friend to someone who isn't real; and true; and themselves.
You know that I have been wanting to talk to you and you haven't made one move to make that happen. I have tried working around your schedule but it's almost impossible to do that with my own schedule of nights and the road trips you have had to take. I can't place all the blame on you and I don't. But you do know that something is bothering me because I told you that much. And I also told you that I can't do it over the phone. And here I sit and wait. Because you can't take time out of your day to help me through this. Because I am not important enough.
At least that's how you make me feel.
And this is as far as my mind can go. I have hit a wall. I am too angry to add anymore right now.
Now I'd like to say a few words to a couple of you: You sir, are another shining example of taking a position simply for the title. Not a drop more of pay, just a new title. Big damn deal. You have also turned your back on your people and if that isn't bad enough, you have turned your back on your family. Your marriage is in the toilet and the only reason I know this is because I watch your wife slowly die on a daily basis. I listen to how your family life has turned into nothing and to be honest, I am sick of hearing it. You can't even see what you have done because you are too busy shining your new name plate with brand new title. You are an embarrassment and a waste of authority. You let your people run amok and make up their own rules as they go because it's easier than putting a little thought and effort into doing it yourself. You aren't that old so wake up and do your job. You are the laughing stock of this place and you can't even see it. Get out and do something besides paperwork for a change and see what is going on under your nose. Better yet...take a look at what ISN'T getting done right under your nose. Be a man and step up. Take some responsibility for yourself, your job, and your family falling apart.
You ma'am, are the biggest drama queen I have ever met in my life; and I've met quite a few. I have learned to just avoid spending more than a couple of minutes with you because every single thing we discuss and every single question I ask, gets turned into a talk about how freaking miserable you are and how your husband has ruined your marriage. If you are that damned miserable, do something about it but please stop bringing that crap to work and unloading it on me. It is none of my business and I have my own life to think about.
I am a "fixer" but I do not have the capability of fixing you or your marriage. I don't even want to be that friend that listens because I tend to "take this stuff on" in my heart. I refuse to do it anymore because it's the same thing each day. The problems never go away. Why do you want to live like that??? Time to put your big girl panties on and decipher what problems are work problems and what problems are home problems and then do what you need to do to deal with them. If I come to your house, feel free to unload on me. And then slit my wrists when you're done. Sounds a little harsh, I know but that's how I feel at this exact moment.
And for the record, it took about 24 hours for me to learn about you saying "I'm not supposed to tell you this but....." Yeah...seems nobody can trust nobody around here. Freaking kindergarten! I think the shit-stirrer should have to lick the spoon.
I am so done with you.
And then there's you: You are the one that I thought was my friend. My honest to goodness friend. You are the one that always helped keep me grounded when my mind went twelve different directions all at the same time. You were "my person." You know the one. Like in Grey's Anatomy, Christina and Meredith were each other's "person." I have told you so many things and we have had many laughs. I would look at you and see a friend for many years down the road. We have cried on each other's shoulders many times.
Then my rose colored glasses fell off one day. You are a bully. You love to run people over. You change your story to fit your audience. You talk big but never show results yet you expect them from those around you. You change rules to suit yourself. You don't care who you hurt to get whatever you want. You like to pit people against each other in the name of "making peace" when you know it does nothing but make the problem worse. You love to play the shrink but the problem is that you don't have the skills to do it.
I witnessed a conversation between you and one of your friends the other day that broke my heart. The person that is always posting crap on their Facebook wall about being a good person, loving yourself and loving others; the one that just posted a few days ago about a meme about being careful who you should open up to, this person...you!...repeated information about a co-worker saying it is mere fact when in reality, it was gossip. You may have had one of your facts right but all the rest that followed was what you heard and you passed it off like it was gospel. And you did it with a huge smile on your face. As if you were benefiting from it.
And if that didn't make me sick enough, you and your friend took great pleasure in the failure of a marriage simply because you don't like the man. "She fucked around on him because he's a douche bag." That makes me sick. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. I don't care how good your gossip source is. Because you love the fact that your marriage failed, doesn't mean everyone else feels the same.
You are not the person I thought you were. You sold me on an idea that was a lie. You are a fake and I won't trust you with anything important again. And I will mourn this "friendship" that I thought we had. I will mourn it for a long time. But I have learned an important lesson. "If you will talk bad about others with me, you will talk bad about me with others."
I am walking away from this...whatever it is. And because of you, I will be very careful about who I let in and who I confide in. Enough is enough. Thanks for posting this on your Facebook wall. It comes in very handy right now.
And then there's YOU!!! You know who you are! Get your crap taken care of. I need my friend back. I need to talk to you. About anything. About everything. I need your listening ear. I can't promise I won't cry but I will do my best. I don't know if you drew the short straw or not but you are my "go-to" person.
Whether you like it or not. This business of not having you around to bounce this stuff off of is slowly killing me. I blame the boss. Fully.
