On the 43rd day

**LONG POST** It is needed for me. It is where I let myself go and will be my reminder.

Monday, November 14^th - Monday, December 26^th, 2016. I couldn't feel more like a failure if I had intentionally tried.

*For 42 days, I have tracked (most) everything that I have eaten and drank, the good and the bad (there was a lot of bad) with the exception of my coffee.  On a positive note, I have tracked 120 days consecutively.

*For 42 days, I have reminded myself that this is what it is truly all about. Building up better and better after each time I feel I have failed myself.

*For 42 days, I have told myself that everybody goes through this.

*For 42 days, I have went to sleep thinking “When I wake up, it's going to be THAT DAY that I get back to ME.”

*For 42 days, I have lied to myself. I have let myself down. I am truly disappointed in myself.

Today is a new day and not a new me but I am going back to the me I was before. The me I always want to be and the me I need to be. There is nothing more disheartening for me than to feel tired. I am not one of those people that need oodles of sleep (until lately). I'm just not. I run on adrenaline and laughter!! I seemed to have buried it under a load of carbs and sweets so I am going to need just a little time to dig it back out! Bear with me!

On Christmas Eve, a friend stopped by to drop off some Christmas presents and I had no choice but to let her in. I didn't really want to but I did. You see, the reason I didn't want to let her in was because I had completely just stopped doing much of anything. I'm sure my mom has rolled over in her grave so many times, the bottom has worn out of her casket! I don't dust (mainly because our house is still under construction), and I have stuff just laying around simply because I am too dang tired at the end of the day to do anything about it. AND this is the first time this friend had ever been in my house! Talk about anxiety!!! So she came in and visited and then wanted a tour of the house. So I gave her the tour of the ugly, dirty, hap-hazard house. I was dying inside because I was so embarrassed. I found myself apologizing for everything, including the fact that my bed wasn't made! Geez!! She just laughed it off of course and said “You are under construction! Who cares your house isn't in order!” Yeah, I love her.

After she was gone, I just sat there and thought about things. I thought about all the why's and all the excuses I have come up with and the next thing you know, I was up and going. Three rooms totally deep cleaned and re-arranged (a little bit). While I was cleaning, I came across two very, very important things that I had let get out of my sight.  

My "plans," and my folder that contains so many of my different workouts!!  Finding these were like reuniting with an old friend or seeing a long, lost family member. I honestly almost started crying.

I would also like to add this: A few weeks prior, I had went shopping with my sisters and when they dropped me off, one of them came in to use the bathroom. I literally cried when she left because I was so ashamed and embarrassed at how I let myself and my house go! Again, my mother is spinning fervently. (I would like to interject with this: Literally as I typed that last sentence, the song “Tiny Bubbles” came on the tv. That song was my mom's absolute favorite song and was played at her funeral while we all blew bubbles. What kind of timing is that???) And this is all a direct result of how I felt on the inside. The sugar and the bad carbs were ruling my world. They were holding me down (literally) and keeping me from doing the things I liked to do! I started feeling really bad about myself. Wearing clothes that are not flattering at all. Sweat pants...while I love them for casual...I started to love them for everyday because it wore me out to try on pair after pair of jeans that were starting to get tighter and tighter.  And my memory!!!  Oh man, I couldn't remember if I had opened my eyes that day without looking in the mirror!!

Why is the easier road the one we always want to take? Why, when we know we are going to regret it in the end, do we make the unhealthy choices? Why do bad carbs have to exist??? Why is it that once we start exercising,we feel amazing and don't want to stop but to get to that point takes an act of Congress?

My Deputy and I have made another pact to not let each other go back to this point. Of course, he...the workout freak that I long to be, isn't even CLOSE to the bad side like I am. His bulking up may have consisted of lots of winter meals and candy filled stockings...mainly by me because he's my BFF and we both love to eat but the difference is that he works out like a boss! So where he hasn't necessarily gained weight, I have gained enough for the both of us. (6 lbs to be exact, since the last challenge!) He is great inspiration for me and I try to be for him as well but he has a pretty good regime that he follows whereas I do not.

In less than a week, my new workout room that my husband built for me, will be ready to use. It won't be close to finished, but it will be ready to use and that's okay with me.  By this, I mean the sheet rock may not be up yet but the plug ins will be installed and I can't wait to get back on my treadmill.  Right there is one of my excuses....my room isn't ready and all my equipment is piled up in the corner and I can't get it out. I have equipment at work I can use...but obviously I am not doing it.

Thank God for Rhonda, checking in on me and making sure I'm okay and giving me pointers and advice. She told me I'm a motivator...and I've been told that before...but I don't feel like I can motivate anybody if I can't keep myself motivated. Again I shall be trying. I have been interested in the Beach Body challenges and have been checking things out. January is such a hard financial month for us. We all have “those months” that are worse than others. I guess I start my year out hard and then go downhill from there. Ha! So I am going to hold off on that for right now but want to thank everybody for all the information they have shared.

Rhonda, Lorna, Salena, Nikki, and Jodi...I want you all to know that you gals are what keeps me coming back everyday to read and re-read. Your posts stick in my brain and pop up at the most unusual times. I just wish I hadn't stopped ACTING on your posts when it comes to following along! I find myself reading sometimes and think “Where the hell are they finding this energy; this motivation; this crazy that I want to always have a piece of???” Joan, you have even posted recently and all I could do was smile!!! I hope you haven't given up on me, friend. I miss our talks and our walks. If you notice at the bottom of that one notebook pic I posted, go on a real hike in 2017 was the ONLY accomplishment I had down but I have since added "I will reach that goal weight!" and I hope you are right beside me when I reach my goals!

To everybody in this group, please, please, PLEASE help me be accountable. Help me stay on track. And if I can help you out, let me know and I will do my best! Now I know how the puppy feels when she's naughty. My tail is between my legs so to speak!!  And speaking of puppy, I apologize for how long this is.  I knew if I moved, she was going to shorten her nap!  

My anger

**Here's my disclaimer** THERE WILL BE A LOT OF ANGER AND SWEARING FROM THIS POINT ON AND I AM GOING TO SAY A WHOLE LOT OF MEAN THINGS**

My original goal was to blog ONLY about Sgt. Beminio and Officer Martin and leave that miserable, hate-filled son-of-a-bitch's name out of it altogether.  But I can not.  I feel like my insides are going to burst if I don't get all of this bad stuff out.  I feel like I am going to end up not liking a whole lot of likable people if I don't.

Scott Michael Greene.  That low-life coward that took the lives of two heroes for absolutely no reason other than that they were cops.  You are pathetic Mr. Greene and I hope you rot in hell.  You ambushed and murdered them as they sat in their cars.  They were out there serving and protecting.  They were willing to lay their lives down for anybody, including you.  And you robbed them.

You robbed their parents, spouse, siblings, children, grandparents, and many, many more people that loved them.  These men were real people with lives outside of their jobs...and you destroyed all of that.  You are a monster and I hope you get yours in the end.

Officer Justin Martin, Urbandale Police Officer, 24 years old and just starting out in life.  Close-knit with his family and friends and loved God and life.  Leaving behind his parents and little brother.  I got the "honor" of celebrating Justin's life the other day and I can tell you it was beautiful.  This young man really knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it.

Sergeant Beminio was 39 years old and had been a police officer for the past 11 years.  He has a family as well.  A wife and three children that, I'm sure wake up every morning hoping that they just had the worst nightmare of their lives.  There is nothing we can do to bring Tony back and no words will ever comfort them the way they need comfort. I got the "honor" of celebrating Tony's life as well and I will never forget either of these two men and the sacrifice they made for the good of the people.

On Wednesday, November 2nd, 2016, you Mr. Greene decided you were above the law and decided to make your own rules.  You decided that pulling the trigger on some innocent target was your choice to make.  

Let's talk a little bit about this asshat...this cowardly son-of-a-bitch that wasn't man enough to give Justin or Tony a chance to defend themselves.  Yeah, let's talk about him.  The man described as combative in a previous encounter with police.  Now, I know that things get heated and just because somebody gets angry or even physical once or twice when the police are around or when the police get called, it doesn't necessarily mean they are mental or that they have a problem.  But this guy...yeah, this guy makes me even more angry at my Governor for taking away all the mental health facilities in my state.  As if I needed any more ammo to throw his way!

Greene has a history of abrasive and radically charged run-ins with the law and with school officials.   Greene was recently kicked out of Urbandale's high school football stadium after claiming that some spectators stole his Confederate Flag that he brought to the game. A flag that he was previously told was not allowed on the school grounds.  This happened in October of this year.  Check it out.  Just weeks before he decided to kill two innocent police officers!!  RED FLAG.

Most of the Urbandale PD has dealt with him on one level or another.  Chief McCarty told reporters that "They've taken trips to his house or delivered service to him."  After the shootings, agents were reportedly "scouring" social media pages connected to Greene.  There was a Facebook page that included friends who are Iraqi, Nigerian, or Saudi nationals.  McCarty also went on to say that his department has had previous run-ins with Greene, which included some indirect threats to the Urbandale schools.  RED FLAG.

Let's go back to 2014.  In April of that year, Greene faced a harassment charge after he called a man the N-word and then threatened to kill him.  "I will kill you, (expletive) kill you," according to the complaint.  Greene was charged with first degree harassment but pleaded guilty to a lesser harassment charge on June 30th, 2014, and was sentenced to one year of probation.  That same month, Greene was charged with interference with official acts when he resisted an attempt by officers to pat him down for weapons at an Urbandale residence.  The officers wanted to search Greene after noticing that he had a pouch on his belt that resembled a holster.  Their report states that Greene was "non-compliant, hostile, combative and made furtive movements towards his pockets" before the arrest.  Greene is also "known to go armed."  Two weeks later, Greene pleaded guilty to this charge.  RED FLAG.

A probation officer who oversaw Greene following the harassment arrest, wrote in a June 2015 report that he received a mental health evaluation and was taking recommended medications.  At least one court document suggests Greene struggled with a mental health issue.  RED FLAG.

Back to recent events.  This one just makes me shake my head.  Greene told people in his neighborhood that he helped thwart a burglary in the early morning hours of October 27th.  Just six days before he made his final mistake.  Greene said he was walking a dog a little before 05:00 and noticed a strange vehicle near a store in the area that was across the street from his mother's house and he called 911.  The burglary was confirmed and...get this...Officer Martin...Officer Justin S. Martin...the slain Urbandale Police Officer...was the responding officer.  I feel almost creeped out about how these events happened.  The store owner said that the young officer was "as good as gold" in helping through the situation.  I think I have read this paragraph five times now because...what are the fucking odds??  

Greene told the shop owner that he wished he was able to confront the suspect, then showed a baton.  The shop owner said that Greene "whacks out this telescoping baton and said "Well, first I'll break their collarbone, and if that doesn't' work they get to meet Mr. 9mm."  Greene told the shop owner how he was armed all the time and was a stress victim from the military.  RED FLAG.

Greene lived with his mother and seemed to have a rocky relationship with her.  A neighbor had said that Greene "spiraled into a depression after his Vietnam veteran father died from cancer in 2010 and that his mother, Patricia, has been trying to support him.  Patricia moved out of the house after a recent fight that resulted in a serious misdemeanor domestic charge that was filed against her.  Greene called the police on October 16th to report that his mother had slapped him in the face after an argument they had about a service dog living in the house.  Patricia is scheduled for an arraignment on November 30th.  I would about walk her to court myself and shake her hand and sit down right beside her.  And smile.  And then we would go out for lunch.  My treat.  She should've knocked him the fuck out when she had a chance.

Apparently, there are three kids out there that belong to Greene.  I hope for their sake, they don't acknowledge him or this.  The things people will say or do to them.  Our world is crazy, ungrateful, and mean on any given day.  To have something like this hanging over your head would be awful.  My sincere prayers go out to his children and his mother.  I can not imagine what they are having to hide from at this point just to live a somewhat normal life.  

A lot of red flags up there, huh?  Now you see what I mean about not trusting anybody anymore.  And now you see what I mean when I say that the State of Iowa is in DIRE need of mental health services and facilities.  This man has needed professional help for many years but the options we have in our State are nill.  Thank you Governor Branstad!  These shootings did not have to happen and they may have been avoided if he could have just gotten the help he needed.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to find beds in mental health facilities in this state?  I will give you a small glimpse into what we go through in our county.  We almost had to take someone to Chicago a short while ago because there were NO beds in Iowa to help our own people!!

It almost looked like I was giving Mr. Greene a little bit of sympathy up there, didn't it?  Well, rest assured I wasn't.  And I never will.  Forever a coward in my book and his name will always leave a bad taste in my mouth.  Maybe I'm wrong to feel this way but I really don't care.  If I don't put it out there, I will hold it inside and I don't think that is going to be very healthy for me or anyone around me.

Matter of fact, I was going to put this blog off for a few more days.  Something inside of me wanted to hold this anger in and let it fester.  I wanted it to explode so that when I finally did let loose, the lashing would be hard and fast.  And then my sister posted something on Facebook that I wasn't expecting.

A tribute to these fine men When I heard "This is my last call..." I broke.

As I watched this, I found tears starting to well up in my eyes.  Next thing I knew they were streaming down my cheeks and by the end of the video, I was sitting in my chair sobbing for these men and their families.  Sobbing because the very people that I stand for and love with all of my heart, have to watch their own backs from the very monsters they are out there to protect.  My heart literally wrenching in pain because I know I will crumble into a heap if this madness ever reaches us.  

And just like that...my soul is starting to mend.  It's going to take a while because I still hurt and I still cry...but it's mending.  And that's all that matters.  I think this gal needs a day away and it's coming very soon.

Thanks for reading.



  

Fallen but not Forgotten ~ Justin Martin

I'm pretty sure that no matter how often you go to these things, they will never get any easier.  And it doesn't even matter if you personally know the people.  You just need to know what was in their hearts.  It seems I have finally went from the mourning process and now am at the angry level.  Going to two funerals in as many days for something that didn't have to happen.  I have a feeling that this angry level isn't going to fare very well for me.  I've said it before and I will say it again... I look at people differently now.  Even people I have known my whole life.  I find myself studying strangers in public places.  I watch how they interact with others around them and how they carry themselves.  In my heart of hearts, I feel it is just easier to stay in my house or at work, away from everyone else.

I did not personally know Officer Justin Martin but after that service, I feel like I do now.

**As with the previous blog, I have posted a link at the bottom if you would like to go watch the complete service.  It's about an hour and a half and it's very moving.  You won't regret it.**

Tuesday, November 8th, 2016, I attended my second (and hopefully last) active law enforcement funeral.  There were few things the same about either one when it came down to specifics.  One in a church and one in a school.  But it's the similarities that I would like to hit on for a second.  If you remember in my previous blog, I spoke about how WDMPD parked us and thanked us and how I thought that was so nice?  Well, whoever was in charge of getting all of these law enforcement vehicles parked in such a way that it wasn't a clusterf*** was nothing short of amazing.

As we pulled into the parking area, those directing us to the appropriate section not only smiled at us but they all waved.  Not such a big deal, huh?  Well, they were there for the same reason we were and it wasn't a good occasion at all.  We were there to support those that lost one of their own.  And they were gracious enough to put a smile on their faces and be the generous hosts that they would want if the tables were turned.  That right there told me that we were in great company once again.

It was a hometown feel if it was anything.

When we walked up to the school, we were met by what seemed like a sea of men and women in uniform.  There was law enforcement, Conservation, Fire Dept., EMS, Reserves, Honor Guards, Dept Public Safety, Iowa Law Enforcement Academy staff, Iowa State Patrol as well as Highway Patrol from many other states, Canines, Chaplains, Corrections Officers, and Dispatchers.  Iowa represented well, and were accompanied by many other states.  Louisiana, Texas, Wisconsin, Kansas, Illinois, Arizona, New York, Nebraska, Missouri, North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota and there were probably several more that I did not see.

In typical Shellie fashion, we walked into the gymnasium and said "You got two chairs for two dispatchers?"  And boom, there we sat...in the faculty section on the floor.  How's that for service?  These people were great!  And we sat next to a wonderful couple that were very friendly and kind.  She was Justin's first grade teacher and is currently substituting for Justin's mother's class while she is out.  

Everybody stood for not only Justin's blood family but also for their blue family.  And stood for a long time.  Not all the people that were there to pay respects got to come inside due to lack of space but we all would have stood for them if they would have gotten the chance.  The overflow, which was a hallway outside the gymnasium, was also full of people.  Someone told me there were close to 300 people outside watching the service on a big-screen.  Simply amazing.

The service started with the bagpipes.  Always beautiful and always sad, in my opinion.  Wouldn't want it any other way though.  I have went back and listened to them play a few times and as much as I don't like them, they give me some kind of security.  I haven't yet decided if that tune is creepy or calming.

The service was started as close to the time of 11:40 as possible, honoring Justin's badge number 1140.  You got to hand it to them, that was a great idea!

Pastor Anita Bane spoke on behalf of Justin's family, thanking all the officers for serving and then a gentleman (forgive me, I can't remember his name) sang what seemed to be his personal version of Amazing Grave that ended up being a tribute to Officer Martin that went from joking about tattoos to telling about his love for God and how Justin always tried to do what was right.

Chief Ross McCarty, Urbandale Police said, "We hired Justin because, as with the rest of the men and women I work with at UPD, he was a man of integrity.  We were not prepared to have Justin's life stolen from us."  And his voice cracked and I thought he wasn't going to be able to finish but he did and with flair.  Chief McCarty spoke of how Justin was a committed eagle scout and how he lived a good Christian life.  He spoke about how in law enforcement we are all "a big loving dysfunctional family."  Boy, did he ever hit that nail on the head.

Officer Brady Farrington, fellow officer and friend of Justin, badge number 1139, gave a tearful tribute.  He describes Justin as a gentle giant.  "He was a kind soul, hard worker, a fierce competitor, studious academic, a loving son and grandson, dutiful brother, respectful listener, and a professional protector."  After he spoke, he went over and hugged the Martin family and it was so moving.  You could literally feel the love.

The final call.  Dang it, why wasn't I prepared for that?  It gets me every single time and I was so involved in what was going on that I didn't even think about that coming up.  But when it did, I couldn't hold back any longer.  I just let the tears fall.  There is just something so heartbreaking to hear a unit's number called out and nobody is there to answer the call.

Procession took over 50 minutes to go through town, winding around to all of Justin's favorite places while growing up.  People standing alongside the road waving.  That was a humbling experience in itself.  Justin was transported in an old fashioned hearse that was amazing to see.  The cemetery was beautiful and was the first time I had ever seen the doves being released.  Of course there were more bagpipes and the trumpet was played but it was all fitting and very beautiful.

I am honored to have been a part of this young man's tribute to life and I'm sure so many others are as well.  Like I said, I hope I never have to do this again.  Working with law enforcement seems to be where I was meant to be.  I fought it and fought it and finally just "gave up" and gave in.  That was the best thing I could have done and I'm glad I waited so I could be fitted with the right family.

This week will forever be etched in my heart as something awful, mind-numbing, earth-shattering, crazy, awesome, and amazing; all at the same time.  Thanks for reading.

http://www.kcci.com/article/full-coverage-funeral-of-officer-justin-martin/8259493

Fallen but never Forgotten Anthony Beminio

Every day I cry myself to sleep.  I can't get past it.  I don't look at anyone the same anymore. I feel myself not trusting anybody's motives, their movements, their intentions.  I hope this comes back to me.  I feel like my soul has literally been crushed.  Physical and emotional pain and there is no way of making it go away.  

I didn't know Sgt. Beminio so I can't really put my finger on why this cuts so deep.  I'm not sure if it is simply because it's so close to home or if I just can't take any more of this.  This war on our police.  About half a second into the "what if that was one of my own..." literally, half a second in...I'm tearing up.  This has been my last thought of the day every day for the past six days.  And it has also been the first thought when I wake up.  Losing one of my own...any of my own...will shatter my world.  These people are my family.  

But don't mistake that for fear.  All of those that I call "my own," are damn well capable and very good at their jobs.  I'm not scared of the bad guy winning as much as I'm terrified of doing my job without any of them.  Because I feel that without "my own," I have no place here.  They are the reason I come back to work every day.

**I provided a link at the end if you are interested in watching the whole, incredible service. Not only did I attend this funeral, but I have watched it on the screen since.  And I will probably watch it a time or two more.*  I refuse to open my phone during a funeral to take video or pictures.  I do not feel it is my place and if you choose to do that, it is solely on you.  I found there were many more things to be grateful for than snapping a photo of a nation of men and women grieving.  That's what the film crew was for.  So this is just a short recap of the "incredible crazy" that I was honored to be a part of.

Monday, November 7th, 2016, I attended my first active law enforcement funeral.  I had a friend try to prepare me for what I was about to go through and what I would need to get through it.    Kleenex, mints and ibuprofen.  Erica, you are priceless and I love you.  Thank you times a million.

When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by West Des Moines PD, who were directing cars to the appropriate parking spaces and THEY thanked us for coming and by the look on their faces, they could not have meant it more. Their compassion started from the time I pulled into that church parking lot until the time I left and I felt "safe and at home."  Wearing our work uniforms, we were welcomed to go downstairs and join the "other officers" and get our flowers and walk in with the rest of them.  We chose to sit in the general area because this was about Tony and the rest of the officers. We just wanted to support them.  They tried to seat us in the area of the Des Moines Dispatchers but again, no.  Don't think it wouldn't have been an honor to sit with those who showed exemplary patience and skill that horrific night, because I would love to hug them, but it wasn't our place.

We were lucky enough to be seated in an area that, when it was all said and done, our own guys were literally six rows ahead of us and when I felt like I was going to burst into tears, I would just look at the one deputy that was straight ahead of me.  Knowing he was there was enough comfort for me. Those guys may have been six rows away from me but they were close enough to help me keep my composure.  That says a lot for them.  I can't give them enough credit no matter what they do.

The endless line of officers, walking two-by-two.  Law Enforcement, Fire Departments, Border Patrol, Conservation, Military....you name it, they were there.  And watching every one of them pass by and salute Sgt. Beminio was entrancing.  Witnessing such an outpouring of love and commitment, not only to Tony, but to law enforcement itself.

Something that has always been very hard for me is to see grown men cry.  From the first time I saw my dad cry in preparation of his mother's funeral, to the first time I saw my brother cry in preparation of our dad's funeral, to this...my first active law enforcement funeral; where I witnessed man-after-man and woman-after-woman, weep for their brother in blue that were taken way too soon.

Chief Dana Wingert spoke about Tony and what an exemplary officer he was.  I'm not sure how he kept it all together so amazingly well while he spoke of his friend but his love and compassion for the Beminio family was proudly evident.  The one thing he said that rings over and over in my head is this, "Tony Beminio is part of an organization that just won't quit."  He's right and I don't think I will ever forget that line.

Sounds of Silence ~ Disturbed  Pastor Mike Householder shared that the lyrics to this song were written by Paul Simon when he was 21 years old.  He wrote them just a few months after President Kennedy was assassinated to express his pain, sadness, and grief.  So beautiful.  Give it a listen.  Please.  You will not be sorry.

The bag pipes.  One of the most beautiful sounds but also one of the hardest to hear.  Just like the trumpet.  Hearing TAPS about brings me to my knees.  I love it and hate it all at the same time.  And then the most amazing version of Amazing Grace I have ever heard.  It may have been the first time in my adult life that I didn't cry when it was sang.  Simon Estes, Des Moines native and internationally acclaimed opera singer, sang The Lord's Prayer.  I had heard it before but to hear it in person is a whole new experience. 

What is a Policeman ~ Paul Harvey  If you haven't heard this by now, you truly need to hear it.  And I mean listen!  Every single person that thinks a cops job is easy, listen to these words.
The final call.  This tears me up every time.  And if you think hearing it is hard, imagine how hard it is to say it over the air without blubbering.  Kudos to that awesome dispatcher that got the honor to do that.

At the end of the service, Des Moines PD stood and they literally took my breath away.  I know they are a big organization but WOW.   That beautiful sea of men and women standing and saying goodbye to one of their own...  DMPD, you are amazing and I hope you know you have the support of so many.  Not just through this bad time but through all of them.

Due to time restraints and having to be at work, we could not go to the cemetery for Sgt. Beminio's burial, but we did get to see the hundreds of vehicles that made up the procession.  I can only imagine what it was like for them to drive through Des Moines, seeing all their supporters and mourners alongside the road and on the overpasses, with their signs and thin blue lines.  

Once again, I urge you to thank your local law enforcement.  Their job is not easy and they take a lot of guff from the public on any given day for the littlest of flaws.  I plan to honor "my own" till the day I die.  Thanks for reading.

*Complete coverage of Anthony Beminio funeral

The past 24 hours

For the past 24 hours, I have been trying to form this blog in my head.  It has changed several times since I first heard the words from one of my officers to the other, "Two officers shot in Des Moines."  I was already off work but I was still there and I knew there was no way I could leave the office anytime soon.  When I hear stuff like that, my body and mind react and I have no control over it.  I want to know what is going on.  I want to know three minutes ago what is going on now.  As a dispatcher, I either have to wait until after a call to know what happened or I just never know.  The latter isn't very fun but it comes with the job and I have just gotten used to it.  But this.....

Two officers shot and killed in their patrol vehicles; ambushed by a coward; for whatever reason.  

For the past 24 hours, I have shed tears for two men that I have never known. I have prayed over and over for their families that I have never met and probably will never meet in my life.  For two men that are and will forever be heroes to me, I will always remember and respect their greatest sacrifice to humankind.

For the past 24 hours, I have thought about so many what-ifs.  What if this happens in my little world?  What if this happens to anybody that I call family?  What if this happens while I am working?  What if this happens while I'm not working?  How am I going to handle it?  How will I know?  These thoughts literally sicken me to my core and it makes me scared for the next call that could come in.  But it will never stop me from coming to work.  It will never make me want to stop helping them. It will never make me stop loving this job and it will never make me stop loving the jobs that these fine people do; day in and day out; protecting and serving those that don't give a shit about them!  

I'm so mad I could scream.  But all that comes out are tears.  It takes everything in me to hold myself together after something like this.  Senseless bullshit.  Our world has gone completely crazy.  I had just told my sister I was glad we grew up in a time when we never had to worry about if our dad would make it home each night.  He didn't even have to carry a gun, for god's sake!  We lived in a jail house and never locked the doors!  The last thing that would ever happen back then is someone coming inside to harm us!  Today, you couldn't count on that.

And now I regularly pray for the spouses, significant others, and the children of all the men and women that I get the pleasure of working with.  I pray that God helps me do whatever I can to help keep these people safe and to get them home at the end of their shift.  Everyday, I pray that today is not the day that they meet some shitbag that thinks they are just a little bit bigger and a little bit tougher and are going to make someone pay for whatever bad thing happened in their personal life.  And I hope you will do the same.  I hope you will pray for our world to come to their senses and stop this madness.  I hope you will stop and say a prayer for your local law enforcement.

If you support law enforcement, show them.  Let them know.  You don't have to go to any extravagant means either.  When you see a law enforcement officer, say hello and thank them; introduce yourself and your child(ren) so that it shows a bond and teaches trust between you and the police; be vigilant and keep a watchful eye out.  After all, these heroes that protect us, sometimes need a little help too.  They are after all, human.  You would be amazed at how appreciative they are to hear a few kind words and to know their community is behind them.

DMPD SGT. ANTHONY BEMINIO ~ EOW 11/2/2016 

URBANDALE PD JUSTIN MARTIN ~ EOW 11/2/2016

Rest in peace, sirs.  We got it from here.

Usually I would ask for feedback but not today.  Today I just want two things.

Say a prayer and then share this blog.  

  

Mind games with myself

I am going to start off by saying "WOW, IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE BEEN HERE!"  And now I am going to apologize in advance for what I'm about to say...or rather, the way I'm going to say it...but here goes...the other day I finally realized that, for years I have been mindfucking myself.  And not in a good way at all.  Geezus H., I'm a quick study.

So, I saw a picture that was taken recently and I was standing in the background of this picture.  You can only see my backside but this one picture was so much more than a thousand words to me.  I literally stared at this thing for what seemed like hours but was obviously just minutes.

My whole adult life I have been told that I have amazing legs.  They are muscular and for years I hated them.  That is the one place on my body that I doubt I could "pinch an inch."  I have never been one of those people that wanted or liked sculpted muscles BUT the last couple of years I changed in some aspects.  I have made a super-duper friend that has shown me a lot about getting healthy by eating the right way and keeping my body moving on a consistent basis.  I am not 100% at either of these things but for the past two years, I have become a different person on the inside as well as the outside.

While I do not want to be one of those fitness guru/weight-lifting-abs-cut-out-like-marble people, I do want to be able to look in the mirror and see someone that is appreciative of the way her body looks and proud of the work she has put in to get it.  I tell ya, I'm getting there.  I'm nowhere close to being where I want to be but I am...by far... a hell of a lot closer than I was two years ago.

Back to the legs; I have always said I could bench-press a bus but in all reality, it would have to be a pretty small bus.  Maybe a trolley.  Maybe.  -_-  I once watched a video where a group of men were doing wall sits and this little "twerp" of a guy would walk across their legs.  Back and forth; back and forth.  These guys looked like big ole football players and this guy walking across their legs, well he looked like he was built to play stick ball; and he was the stick.  Every time he would walk across their legs, you could see them grimace.

Now I want to be in that lineup.  I want to get a group of girls together and do some wall sits and see if we can find a girl stick to walk across our legs.  Maybe if we can survive that, we could then find a stick man to walk across our legs.  Of course that is going to be more pressure.  Their ego's alone have to weigh a tremendous amount, right?

My arms.  Now there's a joke among jokes.  I call them my noodles and would love nothing more than to develop some muscle there and open my own jar of grape jelly.  Just kidding.  I don't even like grape.  Again, I do not want to be that person that has sculpted muscles bulging out of their shirts.....*note to my friend--the world loves it when you do it**...but a little bit of definition and strength would be amazing in my world.

So the only thing left is that middle area.  The biggest problem area of my life.  I can't walk by a mirror or a window without peeking at myself and targeting what I have always thought of as my biggest flaw in life.  I may as well have a big red target tattooed on my belly and on all my shirts because that is my problem child.  That is what I feel I will never get over.  At least that's what I used to think.

Now...no matter how big or little that stomach area gets on me, the REAL problem child is my brain.  It is my way of thinking.  It is how I perceive myself as a whole.  Let's go back to the picture of me that I was talking about at the beginning.  Here's why I can't get this out of my mind.....because this is exactly what was going THROUGH my mind that whole time I was staring at myself...
"Wow, my legs are amazing."
"I look so slender here."
"Am I really that lean?"
"Can I really even BE lean and overweight at the same time?"
"Are you sure that's you, Shellie?"
"You are beautiful."
And I can't get past this process.  I have never in my life taken a "body shot" where I thought I looked beautiful.  And I almost cry about it.  And that makes me angry and sad all at the same time.  Because all I have ever known is how to critique myself; to find the flaw.

I joined a group on Facebook a while back and let me tell you...these gals are getting to me.  It is these ladies that are changing the way I see myself...and it's so hard for me to accept coming from myself but in time I think I can tell myself more positive things and KNOW that it is true and real.  These gals post regularly (I don't because I'm my own worst critic and still a work in progress) and they are so uplifting that you can't help but keep reading.  They make me smile; they make me laugh; and some days they even make me cry.  I cry because I see they are feeling a lot of things that I feel but am too afraid to mention, even to myself sometimes.  Some of these gals I haven't even met in person and their words mean more to me than my own some days.

I have a plan of action in the works.  We are currently in the process of building a two-story addition to our home and the upstairs room is going to be my "inner sanctum."  My own piece of she-haven!  Well, if it ever stops raining so we can get it finished!  Treadmill, ab lounger, weights, exercise ball, tv/dvd/vcr with discs & tapes, as well as the rowing machine my husband and I just purchased and  a weight bench in the near future.  Hopefully a stereo comes about soon too!  He says an elliptical someday but that's not on my radar anytime soon.  I would like a spin bike some day though.  I'm not sure which excites me more, the idea of setting up my own she-haven or just knowing I am going to have my own she-haven!  Either way, my life is about to change in so many ways.

I have been doing a lot of research and taking a lot of notes and it gets me excited.  My problem is that I am a "list maker" like my mother so until I have the whole plan in front of me to follow step-by-step, I won't even start.  There are a couple of people I need to reach out to that I think are going to help me "win the gold" on this one and I really need to get my mind on the straight-and-narrow for this.

This is not a call for messages asking me to buy your products.  That isn't what I'm trying to do here.  I want to be responsible for myself; I want to be able to continue living my life without the aid of something I HAVE to order.  I want to seriously and honestly work for this.  That is the only way I am going to get that thought process above, to be a continuous thing in my brain.

The only way I can explain how that thought process makes me feel is this...
"That must be what drug users feel like on their high."

I want some more of that.
I want a lot more of that.
And I don't ever want it to stop.
Let's all cross our fingers and say a silent prayer to the good Lord above, that once I start this process, I can see it all the way through.

Thanks for reading.  It feels good to come back here after so long.

Drowning in my tears

Here I am once again drowning in my tears

yet, enjoying the solitude of being alone

and I just can't keep from wondering

where this world is headed;

I think about the kind of madness we have chosen

for ourselves, for our children, and for our future.

So many have wrapped themselves up

in the word entitlement; like they own it.

It's out of control and it needs to stop

before this great nation ends up in a place

we can't get out of.

A place we never should have been.

I find myself watching mindless television

just so I don't have to see the terror in the news;

We are killing each other; killing America;

simply because we think we are owed.

We have all the answers before we know all the facts;

We have the solution before the problem has even surfaced;

We have played the scenarios in our heads to be prepared for confrontation;

Yet...nobody is part of the problem, therefore nobody has to fix it.

It's so hard to open social media of any kind today;

It makes me anxious, angry and scared all at the same time.

Everyone wants their fifteen minutes of fame

and they'll get it at any price.

When I was growing up, we were taught respect;

Respect for our parents, our elders, teachers,

police officers, and religious leaders.

The list was endless! Where did that go?

I remember at a very young age, being told that if I ever got lost,

to find a policeman and he will get me back to those that love me.

What happened to that?
When the hell did the good guys become the bad?

Since when do we trap and kill those that we expect to protect us?

Will this madness ever freaking stop? EVER?

This war on our police has got to end.

Enough is enough.

As a dispatcher, I have never worried about “my guys” like I do now;

not because they aren't competent in what they do but because

I do not and can not trust you, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public

Feel free to take that personally.

I have never prayed so much and so hard like I do now.

I pray, not only for “my guys,” but for their wives and their kids.

I can't even put into words the feeling I get when I think about

what “could” happen.

All my life I have been taught to be proud of law enforcement

and that will never change. 'Til my dying breath, I will “bleed blue.”

I have always been the one to give anyone a second chance or a third chance

or however many chances it takes. But I feel like I can't do that anymore.

I can no longer go out in this world and look at any one person the same

because so many have went out of their way to make “my family” the bad guy.

I look around and wonder what stupid thing is going to happen next

and I am exhausted that I have to prepare myself in so many ways for what “may come.”

Why the hell should I have to live like that?

Why should I have to constantly look over my shoulder?

Why do I have to have my guard up at all times?

It's because I care. I care about my life and the lives of “my guys.”

No matter how tired I get, I will always, always stand tall;

I will always be proud of my family blue and blood.

They are not the bad guys; they are not wrecking our world.

We need to wake up before it's too late.

I am so angry at so many things today;

the mindless decisions to kill for stupid and selfish reasons.

Revenge on people for people we don't even know and never will.

Stupid, stupid in-the-heat-of-the-moment knee-jerk responses.

My heart keeps breaking for Budha

The day you left me was hard enough

but what comes after is almost unbearable

for me and for my heart;

I swore I would never go through this again but

looking back, I wouldn't trade one single day of it;

I find it hard to sleep at night

without you curled behind my knees

I find myself reaching for you;

WE find ourselves reaching for you

only to find each others hands and console each other;

I wake up a lot

and you're the first thing on my mind

I need to let you outside to potty

but you're not there;

you're not at the door waiting for me;

And even when I needed to potty

you were always there so I wouldn't be alone;

paws on my thighs while I rubbed your neck

I'd say I love you and you'd lick my chin

then you'd lay down on the rug and wait;

When I come home from work

you are no longer waiting for me at the window;

you aren't there to greet me at the door

doing your circus-dog dance

ready to give kisses and give hugs;

I had to choose another blanket

to curl up with in my chair;

Yours is wrapped around your little body

and I miss it; I miss the feel

I miss the smell; I miss the baby that always laid on top of it;

I look for you when I'm in the shower

to lick water underneath the curtain;

It breaks my heart to think

that I am never going to see you do that again

and I want a new routine;

While filling my glass with ice today

a cube or two hit the floor

but I knew you would come running

to eat them right up like you do;

you loved the ice as much as any other treat;

Something as simple as making a meal

or making a snack has become heart breaking for me;

I look for you to be doing your dance

with that twinkle in your eye just begging me

to drop a piece of food;

I miss your bark

that incredibly horrendous wail;

It was so hard to put up with it

but I would give anything to have it back

to have you back;

When I got ready to come back home

after a few days away;

I couldn't wait to see you and hug you

and then it hit me that I never will be able to again

and it leaves a cold, black hole in my heart.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to dispose of your things;

your toys, your leash, your food and water dishes, even your meds;

If they're here, you are here with me and

I don't ever want to lose that feeling;

Ever;

Annie still searches the house for you

her best friend and brother;

She gets agitated and frustrated

but she knows

she knows that you no longer hurt;

Little Budha you brought me more love

than you will ever know;

Daddy, Annie and I will always keep you

in our hearts, in our minds, and in our prayers;

Until me meet again..on that rainbow bridge, my love.

Simple and silly

In less than three hours, my work day will end and I will not have to be back to work for a solid week.  Ahhhh so many plans and so much fun to look forward to!

But before I leave, I want to tell you all a little story.  And it will be little.  I hope.

Once upon a time, there was a simple-minded boy and he became friends with this big-hearted girl.  They were great friends.  Grocery shopping together; movies with the kids; dinners out; they even worked together.  

The simple-minded boy kept asking the big-hearted girl to do things that she wasn't comfortable doing and he wanted her to do them in places that were very public.  The big-hearted girl kept telling the simple-minded boy that she only wanted a friendship and she would never do those things that the simple-minded boy wanted her to do.  The simple-minded boy persisted.  And persisted.  But he was met with her stubbornness and pride in herself. The simple-minded boy said some naughty things to the big-hearted girl but they agreed to remain friends.

The big-hearted girl had a silly-ass friend that did not like this simple-minded boy very much.  This silly-ass friend also worked together with the big-hearted girl and the simple-minded boy.  The silly-ass friend said that she could never be interested in someone like that for reasons other than she was already married but the simple-minded boy just wasnt her type.  The simple-minded boy felt the same way about the silly-ass friend.  

Suddenly one day, the simple-minded boy's cheese slid right off his cracker and he started making bad choices.  He quit his job and walked away from those that cared a lot for him. Those people that thought they were his friends, were nothing more than a memory for him now.

One day the silly-ass friend went to visit the simple-minded boy and they asked the big-hearted girl to come over to talk and she did.   She was met with the news that the simple-minded boy likes the silly-ass friend, as more than friends, and vice versa. The big-hearted girl didn't understand why they were telling her this information and the silly-ass friend said she just needed her to know and asked her to please keep her secret until the silly-ass friend could tell her family.  The big-hearted girl agreed.

Time went by and the big-hearted girl was sad.  Sad because she had to keep a secret that she shouldn't know.  Sad because her silly-ass friend and the simple-minded boy were making big mistakes and bad choices.  Sad because when she was asked by the silly-ass friend, about some things the simple-minded boy said and did, she had to be honest and say some things that didn't make him look so good.  The silly-ass friend did not like that at all and turned her back on the big-hearted girl.

The big-hearted girl gets the news that the silly-ass friend told her family about her bad choice and when asked if she knew about it, she had to be honest and say yes.  It took a huge load off of her shoulders but she was still sad for the circumstances that her now-ex-silly-ass friend would be in.

The now-ex-silly-ass friend got very angry with the big-hearted girl and said some not so nice things to her.  The now-ex-silly-ass friend has blamed the big-hearted girl for the mistakes she herself, has made.  The now-ex-silly-ass friend is mad at the big-hearted girl for keeping her secret like she said she would.

The big-hearted girl is now in a much better place because she has gotten rid of two very bad and negative people in her life.  The big-hearted girl doesn't have to be sucked into the drama of the now-ex-friend or the simple minded boy.  

And the author of this story couldn't be happier because she thinks the now-ex-silly-ass friend lost one of the best people she could ever have in her life AND because she thinks the simple-minded boy has always been a jackass.

The End!

Working out...mind and body

As I type this, I don't have any idea if I will have the nerve to hit "publish."

I joined a friend in a 3 month "thing" as we like to call it; she is trying to drop a few pounds to fit into a dress and asked me if I was interested in joining her.  Of course I was!  All I was needing at that time was a little motivation.  What I didn't do was look at the calendar!  April, May, June, and half of July. She sneaked that little half month thing in there recently but they, what's a few more days, right?  

April.....traveling to some doctor appointments with Kathy and Jackie.  This means possibly eating in the car as well as at restaurants we've never been to that may or may not have the best choices.  (As a side note, we actually all did very good on choosing healthy places to eat AND I learned to never eat at a Hy-Vee Marketside place ever again lol)
May.....memorial day.   My dear potato salad will have to be put on hold for a while.  Oh I hear you already!  "You can have it as long as you have it in moderation!"  Yes, I know this.  I also know that I can't eat potato salad in moderation!  Trust me, I have had plenty of practice!
June.....it's picnic time and who has a picnic without potato chips?  Ugh, I would LOVE a bag...and I mean a big bag...of dill pickle potato chips right now!  I would just stick my head in the bag, inhale and that would be that.  Do you sense a potato theme going on here?
July.....and here I thought I was going to be able to eat like 6 hot dogs on the fourth of July!  Haha no!  Who am I kidding, I wouldn't even be able to eat 6 hot dogs now.  I like the thought of it though.  So...fourth of July and funnel cakes go together, don't they?  Yes, they do.  Oh funnel cakes, I am going to miss you!

We are just past our third week on this "thing" and I have lost 10 lbs that I know of.  Of course I forgot to weigh yesterday so there's that.  I will do it later today when I wake up, I guess.  

And here's where I let things get to me.  Where it makes me mad as hell and more self conscious about my body.

I have a "friend" that likes to crack jokes about how my body looks; how "scary" it must be when I work out; how I won't ever look like those "hot" girls that you see on tv, no matter what I do; I have no...and never will have...a butt.  

I am pretty quick to fire back with things like "At least I am doing something besides sitting on the sidelines watching someone else try to better themselves while I do nothing."  I do not care what I look like when I exercise.  What I care about is how my body and my mind feel after I'm done.  I don't care if I never look like those "hot" girls that we see on tv because I want to be my own person; not them.  And the rumors are true.  I have no butt.  Sadly.  I am working on it but it isn't a priority.  I am sorry for those that can't understand that my gluteus is totally maximus!  It is all completely muscle.
And I'm okay with that.  And my legs are to die for.  Seriously in good shape and the rest is going to follow!    Besides, what do I need extra for anyway?  I have enough "extra" in other places that need to be a priority.

So there it is.  I don't care what anybody...including those that are my "friends" have to say to negatively impact my life.  I am stronger than that and I am better than that. 


SO WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?

I'm content

I saw this on a Facebook post and thought it was the funniest...

funniest haha AND funniest hmmm...

post that this gal could have chosen

to publicly display.

WHY?

Because literally one week before she posted this thing,

I drove three hours to see her...

only to get this when I called to tell her I was in town

 "I woke up in pain.  

I mean I didn't get any sleep.

I'm not up for company.

I meant to text you last night

but must have forgotten."

OKAY...

Not trying to be a literal bitch here

but what is it?

Did you wake up in pain

OR

did you not sleep?

OR

did you really not have any intentions

of spending time with me.

Because I can accept that answer

just a little bit better.

You can't have it both ways.

JUST KNOW THIS

I don't "chase" nor do I want to be "chased."

You made your choice though.

And I'm okay with it.

The day you let me drive all that distance

without a single thought as to the money I spent

in gasoline;

or the time I took away from other people

that actually DID want to spend time with me,

And

I HAD ONE OF THE BEST DAYS!!

See, I was going to see if I could treat you

and your child to lunch.

I thought we could take a drive around town

and see some places that we used to go to.

I thought we might see a friend or two

that we shared from the "good ole days."

I thought we might stop at a park

and relax and "pick up where we left off."

BUT I DID IT WITHOUT YOU.

I took advantage of the day

and saw so many places,

that were once so special to me.

I walked some malls,

did some window shopping,

AND

ate at a restaurant all by myself.

And I didn't die.

It may not have been the best feeling

sitting there all alone

wondering;

but it sure beats the feeling of

dragging my ass out of bed 

before the crack of dawn

and driving three hours

only to find out that you

couldn't be upfront with me;

that my time wasn't worth your trouble.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm okay.

And I'm tough.

And I learn from all my mistakes.

YOU'RE STILL THERE.

On my friends list

and I have no intentions of removing you.

Because you are always going to be

that reminder

that people can't always trust

people.

AND AGAIN, THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm content in my own company.