This is a short snippet of a blog that was started back in April 2021. Life was getting very rough so I imagine that is how I didn't get back to it. And the fact that my heart was ripping from my very chest on a daily basis until it went to an hourly basis, I forgot about a lot of stuff along the way. So feel free to read and don't anyone take too much personally. It was hard to navigate life and death and the same time.
It's been a while since I've been here and it's the first time I've been here since hubby got diagnosed. I usually do my updates on Facebook but I thought I would change it up a little since every time I think about stuff it leads to other topics.
So the last time I updated about Q, I said that the lesions on his liver were about 1/2 the size from when he first got diagnosed after just three chemo treatments. He had already decided, before that appointment and before that scan, that he was done with chemo. Days on end being sick and exhausted and having no life. He wasn't going to go out like that. Well, when we got those results back he decided he needed to try some more. So he signed up for four more treatments. Three of those treatments are done and in the books but the last one is going to have to wait until after turkey hunting season. He isn't going to miss the funnest part of hunting season for nothing. I am not going to stand in his way of that and I won't let anyone else either.
Many of you have talked to Q or seen him out and about and many of you have told me how good he looks. We appreciate that. He doesn't go out and about if he isn't feeling good and although we have been through this once, we are going through it again. I have tried to mentally prepare myself for this very thing but I don't know that a person can prepare for it. He is deteriorating; which I guess we all knew it was going to happen eventually. I am just totally unprepared for it.
I have spent day-after-day, night-after-night wondering if I would be able to recognize certain signs when it came to his health. Questioning every move I make to help him. His good days were so good that I was almost able to forget the bad parts for a little bit. Now that he is back on the chemo, life is back to sadness, sickness and sleeping. Not just for him but for me too. It is so much easier to keep it in the shadows so we literally sleep anytime we can.
We should be working on our house but we aren't. Of course, right now he can't do much without paying for it over the next five days. I have been struggling with finding a place to cry. I refuse to let loose in front of him. He worries enough the way it is. He worries about what is going to happen to me and the dogs when he is gone. Quintin is my home. No matter where he is at, he is my home. I tell him everyday.
I tried crying in the shower. It upset Wall-E and Matilda and they went and got Q's attention, so I told him the dogs were crazy. Lord knows I can't cry on the drive home. There are way too many deer for that! So I'm still searching for that place. When I find it, I will know. I just hope I can unload when that happens. I don't want sympathy. I just want to type it all out. I don't need any assurances that what I am doing or how I am feeling is normal because that doesn't matter to me. I will go through whatever my heart and soul take me through. But I am going to do it with strength.
Going through this has shown us a lot of things about those we love. It doesn't matter the relationship, whether it is family or close friend, Q and I have both experienced the "pull away" in more than one way. We both have had people in our lives that currently only talk to us if we reach out and call them. They just don't call us. We have had friends that decide for us that we have enough on our plates so they stop telling us about their lives. I have already threatened one friend that she might have to wait a week until after something happens in our lives to even know about it. Nothing infuriates me more than someone telling me that I have enough on my plate. GFY with that stuff! I don't decide for you and you will not decide for me.
