2015/09/17

Trying to cope with the future

So..... I am not sure there is any way to write this blog without making myself sound like a complete A-hole.  I almost didn't write the blog.  It bothered me enough the past two days that well...here I am, right???  Won't be the first time I've been an A-hole and I suppose it won't be the last.  Unless I stop breathing in the next 30 seconds.....

Before I go into the "why's" of it all, here's where I am sitting mentally:  Because she has passed away, I feel that, given the chance later in life, I won't be able to be completely honest about how I feel about this particular person.  Because she's dead you see.  And it's isn't nice to talk bad about the dead.  I figure I have a few years to work this out but for right now, it gets me "right there!"

My husband's ex-girlfriend has died unexpectedly and you might be thinking "How the hell does this affect you?"  Well, here's the deal.  My husband and his ex-girlfriend had two children together and they lost their children to the State.  I met my husband during the latter half of the battle that he eventually lost, to get his kids back.  This was literally the worst time of his life.  Apparently I was brought into his life for a reason and I believe that reason was to show him that life can go on; that if you live your life right and do the right things, your past could come back to greet you in a good way.

It has taken many years for my husband to deal with this loss and it hasn't always been easy dealing with the ex.  For him, not me.  
I have never had to deal with her.  
I have never had to speak to her.  
I have never had any kind of contact with her.  (Except for that one time...at Walmart.  And it was just a snide remark.  Okay, I may not have been very nice)  

I will say that the two of them made communication work for them when it was necessary.  Information and picture exchanges about and for the kids went smoothly.  Anytime one needed something from the other, it just worked out.  Well...after I came along it did anyway.  I can't vouch for much before I came into the picture.

I have always told my husband that he needs to get his sh!t straight and keep it straight because there is a good chance that the future holds another day for him to meet up and get to know his kids.  We have stored some things of theirs from when they were babies, we have photo albums waiting for them,  and we put a little money away for them several times a year; just in case they might need it.  Every Christmas, I buy a Christmas tree ornament for each one of them and put their name on it and hang it on the tree (when I choose to put a tree up).  

One thing I have always wondered is what "she" would tell those kids about their dad and about the way things "went down."  I have always wondered if she would make him out to be the devil or if she would have sense enough to give him some credit.  Because credit is certainly due him.  And I'm not saying that credit isn't due her as well but the honest to goodness truth is that she willingly gave her children up without a single thought as to how it was going to affect their father.  

And he didn't get a say in it either.  The one thing I learned in family court and I will never forget for the rest of my life is this:  It is not the duty of Department of Human Services to mend a relationship between the father and the child(ren) if the mother so chooses to relinquish her rights.  The relationship between the father and the child(ren) is not the goal of DHS.  It is and always will be most important to mend the bond between the mother and the child(ren).  This is not verbatim so don't quote me.  

This woman gave her children up, willingly, to the State of Iowa.  And not just the two that she shared with my husband.  There was another child involved.  An older child.  And she was willing to let that child go, as well.  There was never a conversation between her and my husband of "I can't do this anymore.  I am giving you the option of taking these children so I can leave."  Nope.  She just wanted them gone.

And I'm not saying that my husband could have been a single parent.  Hell, half the time I can't get him to pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor so.....  What I am saying is that he should have been given the chance to make a living for himself with his kids.  Yes, he got to visit his children.  Supervised and he had to miss work to do it, but he did it.  He did everything that was asked of him so he could see his kids every chance he got.  But no matter what, it wasn't enough.  But of course they didn't tell him that until the last family court date.

I remember that day before court and my husband's attorney said to me "Where have you been?  We have needed you on his side all along."  Sorry dude but if I had been there all along, he would never have been in this predicament because you don't walk away from your kids.  At least that's what I think and how I feel.  If you feel you can not give your child(ren) what they NEED to get through life, you ask for help and then you do what you have to do.  And IF that means you feel you need to walk away from them (coward), at least give the other parent a chance.  Don't take everything away from your child(ren).  

Well now I'm just pissed off at her again.  I bet you're about as glad to be here as I am, huh???

So the moral dilemma I am having right now is this:  What do I say to these kids should they show up on our doorstep someday?  If I am asked, what can I say to these kids that doesn't make me look like a monster and doesn't make her look like an A-hole.  (HEY, I got that turned around a bit, didn't I??? -_-)  I mean, if she was here to defend herself, I could be 100% honest and say "I think she was a mean and selfish person who couldn't put on her big girl panties and do what was needed to keep her child(ren) clean, healthy, and safe... but that's just my opinion."  I wouldn't dare say that now.  She can't defend herself or her actions.  

There's just so much more to this awful story and I don't feel like adding it to this story is going to help.  I realize this isn't about me.  It is about my husband, his ex, and their children.  But some of it is going to fall on me.  I will have to be the gracious step-mom that I never wanted to be.  If you know me, you know that I have never wanted to be a mom.  I have never wanted that responsibility and have stood by my decisions and my reasons.  I often wonder what would have happened if my husband would have gotten his kids back when we got together.  

There probably would have been a rubber wing somewhere dedicated to my memory.

*sigh*

Until next time...thanks for being here and thanks for letting me ramble on.  I am going to close with a "Rest in Peace, lady.  I hope someday it all makes sense and I hope you are truly at peace."