**LONG POST** It is needed for me. It
is where I let myself go and will be my reminder.
Monday, November 14th -
Monday, December 26th, 2016. I couldn't feel more like a
failure if I had intentionally tried.
*For 42 days, I have tracked (most)
everything that I have eaten and drank, the good and the bad (there was a lot of bad) with the exception of my
coffee. On a positive note, I have tracked 120 days consecutively.
*For 42 days, I have reminded myself
that this is what it is truly all about. Building up better and
better after each time I feel I have failed myself.
*For 42 days, I have told myself that
everybody goes through this.
*For 42 days, I have went to sleep
thinking “When I wake up, it's going to be THAT DAY that I get back
to ME.”
*For 42 days, I have lied to myself. I
have let myself down. I am truly disappointed in myself.
Today is a new day and not a new me but I am going back to the me I was before. The me I always want to be and the me I need to be.
There is nothing more disheartening for me than to feel tired. I am
not one of those people that need oodles of sleep (until lately). I'm just not. I
run on adrenaline and laughter!! I seemed to have buried it under a
load of carbs and sweets so I am going to need just a little time to
dig it back out! Bear with me!
On Christmas Eve, a friend stopped by
to drop off some Christmas presents and I had no choice but to let
her in. I didn't really want to but I did. You see, the reason I
didn't want to let her in was because I had completely just stopped
doing much of anything. I'm sure my mom has rolled over in her grave
so many times, the bottom has worn out of her casket! I don't dust
(mainly because our house is still under construction), and I have
stuff just laying around simply because I am too dang tired at the
end of the day to do anything about it. AND this is the first time
this friend had ever been in my house! Talk about anxiety!!! So she
came in and visited and then wanted a tour of the house. So I gave
her the tour of the ugly, dirty, hap-hazard house. I was dying
inside because I was so embarrassed. I found myself apologizing for
everything, including the fact that my bed wasn't made! Geez!! She
just laughed it off of course and said “You are under construction!
Who cares your house isn't in order!” Yeah, I love her.
After she was gone, I just sat there
and thought about things. I thought about all the why's and all the
excuses I have come up with and the next thing you know, I was up and
going. Three rooms totally deep cleaned and re-arranged (a little
bit). While I was cleaning, I came across two very, very important
things that I had let get out of my sight.
My "plans," and my folder that contains so many of my different workouts!! Finding these were like reuniting with an old
friend or seeing a long, lost family member. I honestly almost
started crying.
I would also like to add this: A few
weeks prior, I had went shopping with my sisters and when they
dropped me off, one of them came in to use the bathroom. I literally
cried when she left because I was so ashamed and embarrassed at how I
let myself and my house go! Again, my mother is spinning fervently.
(I would like to interject with this: Literally as I typed that last
sentence, the song “Tiny Bubbles” came on the tv. That song was
my mom's absolute favorite song and was played at her funeral while
we all blew bubbles. What kind of timing is that???) And this is
all a direct result of how I felt on the inside. The sugar and the
bad carbs were ruling my world. They were holding me down
(literally) and keeping me from doing the things I liked to do! I
started feeling really bad about myself. Wearing clothes that are
not flattering at all. Sweat pants...while I love them for
casual...I started to love them for everyday because it wore me out
to try on pair after pair of jeans that were starting to get tighter
and tighter. And my memory!!! Oh man, I couldn't remember if I had opened my eyes that day without looking in the mirror!!
Why is the easier road the one we
always want to take? Why, when we know we are going to regret it in
the end, do we make the unhealthy choices? Why do bad carbs have to
exist??? Why is it that once we start exercising,we feel amazing and
don't want to stop but to get to that point takes an act of Congress?
My Deputy and I have made another pact
to not let each other go back to this point. Of course, he...the
workout freak that I long to be, isn't even CLOSE to the bad side
like I am. His bulking up may have consisted of lots of winter meals
and candy filled stockings...mainly by me because he's my BFF and we
both love to eat but the difference is that he works out like a boss!
So where he hasn't necessarily gained weight, I have gained enough
for the both of us. (6 lbs to be exact, since the last challenge!) He is great inspiration
for me and I try to be for him as well but he has a pretty good
regime that he follows whereas I do not.
In less than a week, my new workout
room that my husband built for me, will be ready to use. It won't be
close to finished, but it will be ready to use and that's okay with
me. By this, I mean the sheet rock may not be up yet but the plug ins will be installed and I can't wait to get back on my treadmill. Right there is one of my excuses....my room isn't ready and all
my equipment is piled up in the corner and I can't get it out. I
have equipment at work I can use...but obviously I am not doing it.
Thank God for Rhonda, checking in on
me and making sure I'm okay and giving me pointers and advice. She
told me I'm a motivator...and I've been told that before...but I
don't feel like I can motivate anybody if I can't keep myself motivated.
Again I shall be trying. I have been interested in the Beach Body
challenges and have been checking things out. January is such a hard
financial month for us. We all have “those months” that are
worse than others. I guess I start my year out hard and then go
downhill from there. Ha! So I am going to hold off on that for
right now but want to thank everybody for all the information they
have shared.
Rhonda, Lorna, Salena, Nikki, and
Jodi...I want you all to know that you gals are what keeps me coming
back everyday to read and re-read. Your posts stick in my brain and
pop up at the most unusual times. I just wish I hadn't stopped
ACTING on your posts when it comes to following along! I find myself
reading sometimes and think “Where the hell are they finding this
energy; this motivation; this crazy that I want to always have a
piece of???” Joan, you have even posted recently and all I could
do was smile!!! I hope you haven't given up on me, friend. I miss
our talks and our walks. If you notice at the bottom of that one
notebook pic I posted, go on a real hike in 2017 was the ONLY
accomplishment I had down but I have since added "I will reach that goal weight!" and I hope you are right beside me when I reach my goals!
To everybody in this group, please,
please, PLEASE help me be accountable. Help me stay on track. And
if I can help you out, let me know and I will do my best! Now I know
how the puppy feels when she's naughty. My tail is between my
legs so to speak!! And speaking of puppy, I apologize for how long this is. I knew if I moved, she was going to shorten her nap!
