#5 of sorting before taking a mental break

Some days I feel like I have been through the worst things a person can go through but I haven't.  I am experiencing life as it is supposed to happen.  I haven't experienced anything less than most others on this planet.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get down in the dumps.  This is what life is about and if you don't have bad times, you can't appreciate the good times.  I will forever hold all the bad times in my heart so that I can cherish all the good times I have had and am having again.

I don't know that I have ever, in my life, wanted to keep going on as the same person.  I have always wanted to be better in some way.  Usually that has been inside my heart.  I mean, I have always wanted to have a thinner body and a thicker butt (lol)  but those aren't really the important things, I guess.  I want my heart to be free of hate, sadness and despair.  I feel like in my past, those things have worn me down and I have to make that stop.  So going forward, I refuse to let "bad" in my heart.  It is going to take some practice and some time because there are toxic people out there but I will get there. 

Will I get frustrated and angry with people?  Yes.  I am human.  But I refuse to let that anger and frustration take up residence and let those people live rent-free in my head or my heart.  I have too much to give.  I have too much love to share.  That's what my life is about going forward.  

Healing and love.  Healing and love.  I will keep repeating this until I get it 100% right but mind you, I will get there.  

I plan to be the person I never got to be.  The person I never got to be because of circumstance and because I got in my own way.  Not anymore.  I am going to be happy.  It's time to start living my life on my terms and under my own set of rules.  

Do I have a ways to go?  Yes.  But I'm getting there.  Typing things out like this sometimes hurts me so deep but I know that there is still life out there waiting for me and I'm determined to find it and love it.  I have a few more snippets to share along my journey but for now, I am going to take a little break and let the cracks in my heart mend.  

Thanks for your support and your encouragement.  Life can only get better from here on out.  Things are looking up!  Until next time!

#4 When you can't do it anymore, you will

 So..... we all have bad days.  We all have really bad days.  But the one thing we have in common is that we have a 100% track record of making it through those bad days.  That's hard to see when you're in the middle of a mental breakdown or a trauma.  Some of those days, I didn't even want to make it out to the other side.  I convinced myself it would be easier on myself and everyone around me if I had just given in and given up and let the bad consume me.  

Then I think about my dogs.  There is no way on earth I would willingly leave them to this world.  They have been through enough.  They have loved and lost just as much as I have and I will never be unfair to them.  

These dogs save my life more often than they will ever know, obviously but even more than I realize.  They are my unconditional love, support and companionship at any given time of the day or night.  Sure, they turn their heads sometimes when I'm having a deep and meaningful conversation with them and give me a look like "Did your cheese slide off your cracker?"  

They don't get frustrated with me (I think?).  They don't talk back to me (unless it's 06:30 and Wall-e decides it's time for me to get up).  Now they do get mad at me.  I mean that little one.  She-devil. She will get mad at me and look me straight in the eye and pee right in front of me.  She has no fear.  She's like my spirit animal.  Fear nothing.  Can't fault her for that now can I?

If you're not an animal lover, you won't get it.  If you are, you will certainly get it.

I kind of got off topic here.  My point being "You got this.  I got this.  We all got this."  

Be kind to yourself.

Still sorting it out #3

 This first picture was meant to go on yesterdays post and I failed to add it.  It doesn't make it less important though.  This is truly a "don't judge a book by it's cover" statement.

Going back to the subject of being strong, just remember that it isn't easy.  Not any day of the week when you feel like you are about to crumble inside.    Be the helper.  Be the side kick.  Be the post to let her/him lean on when life gets to be too much.  It's more valuable than any gift or money you could ever give them.

Moving on to the cleansing of my soul.....

Do you have a favorite place?  I always used to think I did.  For many years now I have always thought my favorite place was the Lake of the Ozarks.  I feel like I am in my element there.  I have always thought that.  Nothing else compared to it for me.  Until now.  

After a good, hard look at myself and at life, I have come to the realization that I don't really have a favorite place.  I have favorite people.  And it is those people that make the places absolutely incredible for me.  As long as I'm with someone who is my "favorite," we could watch the paint dry on the side of a barn and be perfectly content.   

This could not be worded any better, in my opinion.  In the past two years, not only have my priorities changed but so have the people around me and the roles they have taken in my life.  You will know when I'm in favorite place because I will be with my favorite person. And I will thrive like I haven't in years. 

That's all for today I guess.  My heart is heavy.

Sorting it out #2

Hey there! What a coincidence we meet here!!!  AGAIN!!!  I don't know if I'm ready for part 2 but I will give it the good ole college try.  

Today I am going to start with the word resilient.  The definition of resilient is "able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions."  

I would have never thought that there would be a time in my life when I wasn't thrilled to be resilient but I will admit, after losing Quintin, I was too exhausted to be just that.  People kept telling me that I was (and still am) strong and resilient and all I wanted for myself was to not be that strong, resilient person.  I wanted to be weak and hide but it was expected of me to be strong and show the world that I succeeded.  And anyway.... who was going to take care of me if I couldn't take care of myself, right?

When people tell you things, over and over, you tell yourself you have to be just that.  I know it was all with good intentions and unless you have been through it, you will never understand.  It is exhausting being strong for everyone else.  And anyone can say all day long "you don't have to be strong for me," but the minute you let your guard down.... the minute you show the tiniest bit of weakness... that's when you get that "sad look" and people think you are depressed and can't handle life and possibly need a therapist or medicine to get you through.  See why trying to be resilient is easier??

Here's what I want.  No, here's what I need.  Finally deciding to put this out there for the world to try to understand.  I am damn sick and tired of being strong.  I am over it.  I want softness and ease yet I do not want to let anyone down.  Am I going to?  Yes.  Yes I am because I have to put me first finally.  I have never done this and I don't really know what I'm doing.  I don't need a guide.  Please let me figure this out on my own.  

I am tired of being built up.  I know that probably sounds stupid but it's how I feel.  I don't need to be built up.  The only thing I need is help holding myself up when I need it the most.  If I don't reach out as much as I used to, please don't take it personally.  This girl needs to learn to relax and just breathe for a change.  I have no idea what this life is about because it's just me so it is going to take a long time for me to figure out what I want and what I don't want, going forward.  

 So, there's that word vomit all over the page.  If I could add just one more piece of advice to every person on the earth.  When someone is openly grieving..... and I say openly because we grieve forever but in the first shocking moments it is an open grieve.... no matter how long they grieve... because every person takes a different amount of time.  Anyway, back to what I was saying; please, please, please never, ever tell someone "I didn't want to say/do/come around because I thought you had enough on your plate."  Nobody gets to tell another person when they have enough on their plate.  They will tell you when their breaking point is near.  Just be considerate.  

Thanks for reading.  My heart broke writing this.

The start of sorting it out #1

Hello again!  I have been doing a whole lot of soul-searching and trying to figure out not only what I want from life going forward but sorting out exactly where I've been.  I'm having a good time cleaning out my heart and my soul.  There will be a whole "series" of blogs coming up and some of them may be short and some of them may be shorter.  Ha!  I hope these blogs help you understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going but in the end, I am trying to self-preserve.  

I will do my best not to send messages out through this blog that make it sound like I have all the answers or that I can help you with your problems because I probably can't!  This is just self awareness for me and to clear my heart and soul.

Keeping balance in your life is important and not always easy but you have to prioritize yourself in the mix of life and all those things that you think are more important than yourself.  Until recently, I have never put myself first or even close to first.  

I think I have always felt like I have had to look out for myself.  I have a hard time trusting the majority of people.  That goes for family, friends and even someone I have maybe never met.  I'm not going to explain that last sentence because I can only work it out in my head.  

There have been people in my life that have "had my back" and have told me I can fully trust them but those people either let their true colors shine through or they have left his earth.   That's ok though.  I got this.  I have a very intimate group of people that I know, when the chips are down, they won't step back in fear and they won't leave my side.  It's a tiny group but it's there.  And that's what matters. 

Number 1 of my "series" done!  Simple as that!