In my last blog, I said I was going to dip a little bit into my past and also talk about my present. I said I wanted to do some "special" blogs that portray, a little bit, into my life with Sheriffs and Deputies. Today's blog and the next three blogs will be dedicated to those that I work closest with. When I originally had this idea, I thought I would start at the top and work my way down but that whole "Loverboy" one got in the way. I got caught up in the madness and couldn't stop myself. So there's one Deputy out of the way, huh? So instead of following chain of command on my blogs, I will follow chain of cell phone numbers. HA! *pointing to my head* Sometimes I'm a thinker!!
Today I will begin with my Sheriff. He has been portrayed in a previous blog as The Big Kahuna. Today we will go with Big K. How's that for short and sweet, huh? I used to work in a convenience store in the town I live in and Big K would come in almost every weekday morning for coffee. He rarely said anything more than "Hi" or "Good morning." So when I started the job at the jail, I was SHOCKED when he was sitting at the table one morning just talking his little heart out. And I was BLOWN AWAY the first time I ever heard him say "I know, I'm just a dick!" Holy shit! Not only does this man TALK, but he TALKS MY LANGUAGE!!! I just knew we were going to get along great.
It seemed like it took forever though, for him to actually sit and have a conversation with me. I tried. Lord, did I try. I tried so hard that I just gave up. I was convinced that this man hated me. I didn't know WHY he hated me but it seemed he did. I was crushed for quite a while. I didn't know what to do to make this man, in the least, LIKE me! I mean, I had pretty much gotten everyone else around me loosened up enough to sit and talk and joke and just plain bullshit. Not this guy though. He wasn't having it. And he was so serious all the time. I gave up completely. With some people, there's just no use, you know. Oh well, one out of a whole group of 'em, I can take that. I didn't like it but I could take it. The way I saw it, it was his loss, not mine because dammit, I'M FUN AS HELL TO BE AROUND!
So as I was around him more and more, Big K started being a person to me. Someone who had feelings, opinions. Go figure! It seems he's a highly intelligent man in my personal opinion. I know today that I could trust that man with anything. Any issue. Of course, today he would listen to what I had to say and tell me what a whiny fucking baby I was and then reassure me he would do something to help out. I like that in a person. The ability to bullshit while comforting you. Now, you might say that he SHOULD be trustworthy. I mean, he IS a Sheriff and all. And you're right, he should be. But that doesn't mean that I can go to just any Sheriff in any county in any state and tell him what's going on with me and he'll be willing to help me. Does that make sense? We all know that not all Sheriffs are good Sheriffs. I mean, haven't you seen Facebook lately? Popular opinion is that because one policeman is bad, they are ALL bad. I'm sorry but if you are knocking law enforcement, you are knocking me and we all know I don't like to be knocked down. Fucking assholes.
Many years ago, when I had just gotten my drivers license, my dad and I used to take this little old lady to KC to the airport a few times a year. She was always going to visit some family and she was too old to drive. So, my dad and I would always take her down and pick her up when she came back. One morning we got there a couple of hours early. I don't know why but I suspect we were there to "people watch." My dad and I could sit anywhere.....for hours.....and watch the behaviors of people; watch the way they walk. We always made up our own stories for them too. Of course they always had a very funny ending to them because my dad loved to laugh and he wanted me to love to laugh just like him. (Job well done, dad. Job well done)
Hey, look at that. I got off the beaten path again. Who the fuck is surprised right now?? Back to where I was going with this airport story. We were sitting there and some lady approached us. She told my dad that she thought he looked like a very honest and respectable man and she really needed to take care of some business and asked if we would keep an eye on her "stuff." Her "stuff" consisted of a briefcase. That was it. Big fucking deal. So off she goes. Then it hits me! "Dad what if there's a bomb in that briefcase?" "I guess we'll blow up then" he says and starts laughing. I am pretty sure there was a look of horror on my face. It seemed like forever before that lady came back. She thanked us a couple of times for watching her "stuff" and my dad opens up his wallet to reveal his badge.
The look of relief on that lady's face said mountains to me that day. You could just see that she had been worried about her "stuff." Like maybe we went through it or something. Or stole something. When she left, I told my dad that I hoped people thought I was as honest and respectable someday as he is. Of course he wanted that same thing. He told me to be honest with everyone, be a good person and do what's right in my heart and I could only be the best person I could be.
This is the kind of person I see when I look at Big K. I see an honest, respectable and down-right good man. Oh, and sneaky. He could play a prank on you and you'd never know what hit you. Or who hit you with it. And a smart ass. Yes, that smartass is a huge thing that maybe I overlooked. I have never met a man in my life (until Big K) that will come right at you with a huge insult, have this blank look on his face so you don't have any reason to think he's not serious and then top it off with a "smirk" and a "I can't believe you fell for that. What a dumb ass." Yes, he is a hard one to read sometimes. I can't figure out if his sense of humor is "dry" or if he just has THAT good of an eye on people. You know, like he knows what we're gonna say right as WE know what we're gonna say. No, not like God. Geezus H, let's not give him THAT much of an ego boost!!
I asked some people recently if they could describe him in one word, what would that word be. Here's what I got: "Can you make "lameduck" one word?" Honey I just did. When I pressed further on about that comment, all I got was that he is like "a lazy older brother that would do anything for you but annoys you so much that you wanna kick him in the shins every day but you can't." Wow. That's all I can say for that one. I hear he's a great shooter. I wish he'd give me some lessons. They say he can shoot right on target each and every time. Yeah, I'm jealous. I have to work at that and then when I do hit right on target, I have to do the Happy Dance.
Someone told me that they see Big K as an ostrich; albeit a calm ostrich. (OK, now you REALLY have my attention) His demeanor and response are like an ostrich. If he doesn't wanna deal with something, he sticks his head in the sand and waits until it passes. And then I get a comment like "He will, out of the blue, get all excited over something that you had no idea was even an issue and he's all over the place. Like bouncing off the walls excited."
He tells great fish stories I'm told. His stories of stopping someone for a traffic violation could end up being a story of accidentally finding one of "America's Most Wanted." Now, I haven't been in the room when any of these fish stories are told. I just hear them second hand. And third hand. And fourth hand. You get the picture. I do want to add though that the people I have talked to and asked questions to and got stories from, they all admire him. They all smile when they talk about him and that, my friends, is a huge compliment. To anyone. I hope people smile when they talk about me. Well there's a handful of people that I wish would forget my name but I think you know what I mean.
Big K has a good heart. He's a good people person. He just tries to make everyone happy and in the end, that makes most everybody unhappy. But that's the price you pay to be the Big K. You do what you have to do and get through the days. You will never please everyone. So Big K, here's to you. I don't give a shit if you don't make everybody happy. Just make ME happy and I will be PLEASED!! Hehe
So I will close now and for the record, someone should tell Big K he should send me a Facebook friend invite because I am a FUN friend!! He thinks I should send HIM a request. I don't think so my friend, I don't think so. I have to come to you every work day (well to the jail anyway). That should be enough. HA! I will sum up in one word what I think of Big K: Admiration. There's not a whole lot of people out there than can do this job and do it well. Kudos to you Big K!
2012/04/28
2012/04/27
Princess Amelia and her thoughts alone in the dark
Okay so you probably think that I am kinda beating a dead horse today but I would like you to know in advance that I am going to continue to beat this dead horse...........at LEAST four more times. Who knows, it could be more. I mean if it's already dead, it won't feel a thing right?? I just want to prepare my readers for what is ahead. To you, it may just be mindless chatter. I don't know why anyone would think that's any different than what I do any other day but whatever. To me, this is not only my life, past and present, but it is something I adore.
Once upon a time there was a Princess. And her name was Amelia. She grew up in a castle. And this castle had its good parts and its "bad" parts. One of the good parts is that it housed all the people she loved. Or most of them anyway. Even when those people were mean to her, she loved those people. Because she knew, deep down in her heart, that when it came down to it, THOSE were the people that would be beside her when she truly needed someone. And they have proven that. For the most part anyway. This part of the castle gave her security. Gave her no false hopes. The door was always open and nobody could hurt her from the outside world, as long as she stayed in that castle.
One of the "bad" parts was that on the back side of the castle was a jail. It held bad people; it held mean people; it held dirty people; The most important thing is that it held PEOPLE. People of all ages, all races, all genders, all religions and all HUMAN. That is the key thing that I want to express first and foremost. All of these people, in some way, needed help. And that's why they were there. This "bad" part of the castle taught the Princess that people will come and go, whether she wanted them to or not. And to this day, she believes that this experience is why she is so good at letting people out of her life.
For all the good parts of living in the castle, there are a hundred reasons why Princess Amelia's fondest memories are of the "bad" part. Don't get me wrong, she loved the castle and every little thing about it. But nothing and I mean NOTHING will ever come close to the love and the feel of the jail. And that is why most of the memories you will learn about on this page today, are about that part of the castle.
Princess Amelia learned many things in that "bad" part of the castle. She learned how to roller skate. Really good. She would skate around the inner cell and it would annoy the fuck out of the "bad" people and they would bang on the walls; which would in turn, scare the hell out of Princess Amelia and she would skate FASTER. Around the dark corner, as fast as her wheels could take her!
She also learned a very big and very very important life lesson in this part of the castle. I mentioned it above. These people were human. They bled just like she did. They had hearts just like she did. But these people needed help. And she tried to do her part of helping them by being their friend. Every one of them that passed through the castle doors. Now, I'm sure there are some nay-sayers out there that would say "Kids should be kept away from THESE kinds of people." If you honestly believe that then I say you should be slapped. Very hard. With a board.
Princess Amelia learned that every one of these people had a story to tell. Whether good or bad. They needed someone to tell it to and who better than a child. Because children don't judge. Or at least, they didn't back in the day. Children were children just trying to get in as much play time as they could get in. To the Princess though, what she thought was playing, was actually teaching her a lot of life's lessons. She would eat her meals with these people. She wanted them to be a part of her life, even if for that very short time.
Princess Amelia had several whittling lessons from one of these people. He was a fun man. He lived in a town about ten miles away and he would WALK to her town, go to the bar, get hammered drunk, start a fight and when they told him they were going to call the police, he would say "Don't bother, I'm just going to walk up to the castle and turn myself in." And he did. Almost every weekend. He would go to the office, tell them what he done and the King would get out of bed and lock him up. It didn't take many times of doing this that we learned he was doing it so he could get a hot meal and the Queen made FABULOUS meals. She was known for it.
So the Princess would wait until the King unlocked the door the next morning and run in and wake up the man. "It's time for another lesson! Let's go outside!" And so they did. They sat right on the front porch of that castle and he learned her to whittle. She sucks at it though. Don't ask her to whittle for you. But she knew that man had a heart of gold. He had the patience of a Saint. And he had nothing more than love for this little Princess.
Another man that was a super bad guy. I don't know what he did to get put in there but he must have been awful bad because he was constantly locked in that inner cell. Well he hung himself before the Princess could even get a story on him. Bastard. Oh well, it's probably for the best. Who would wanna hang around with a dead beat anyway, huh? -_-
A local man had gotten into drugs. Such a shame. He was the high school football quarterback just a few years previous and then he got into drugs. He shot his wife. Yessiree he did. Right smack in the head. In front of the Avon lady. Dammit that's a bad day for anyone involved. When he is finally arrested and brought to jail, the Princess is thrilled. She has someone she can play with for a long time AND he's sooooo cute!! There wasn't another girl around that didn't think he wasn't the cutest thing since kittens! The Princess was with him every waking moment. She ate her meals with him (and he got to attend the family Thanksgiving in the Castle dining room with the family that year), she watched tv with him, she even just hung out with him. Most importantly, she was his friend.
Eventually Princess Amelia, as well as, the King and Queen had to move out of the Castle. The King was tired and needed to care for his parents. This was a sad sad day for the Princess. She knew that that part of her life was completely over and she could never have it back. It's just as well. She knew she would always have in her hearts, all those people that she helped by listening or just by being there.
You see, people make mistakes. Good people make mistakes just as well as bad people. Life is hard enough without everyone trying to pass judgement on everyone else simply because of the mistakes they have made. Misconceptions are too easy to come and go by. These people, as well as the people that have to arrest and jail them should not be defined by what they do. But they are. Everybody is. Policemen, whether they be cops, officers, deputies, sheriff's, are defined by what they do. And they are judged accordingly. I don't know a single group of people that aren't. People, this needs to stop. Yes, I am including myself in this group here. We all need to stop. For the good of humanity.
This brings me to the other point that I want to make today and over the course of my next four blogs. Just because there are bad cops in the world, why does the general consensus have to be that all cops are bad. Or even most of them. I grew up around THEE most wonderful people that anyone could ask to be around. Not only did I grow up with THEE best family on the planet, I also had deputies, city policemen, dispatchers and a whole courthouse of people to depend on and know that they were watching over me. Helping me with anything my little heart desired. I honestly have ONE BAD MEMORY of a cop. He thought he was being really funny and locked me in the jail AFTER handcuffing me to the jail door.
That did NOT go over well with my father and that cop never did it again. Come to think of it, he quit shortly after that, flipped his lid, burnt his house down (or someone's house anyway) and away he went. I never saw him again. It's just as well though. I learned to hold contempt at an early age.
So now you know the story of Princess Amelia. And why she's such a people person. And why she's willing to give everybody on this ball ole ball of grass and water, a second chance. A third chance. However many it takes. She doesn't necessarily like that part of her but it's something she will never be able to change. She believes every person has some piece of good in her. Even the douche bags. Even the bastards. The assholes. And yes, even the pricks.
I hope you enjoyed this blog. It truly brought a smile to my face. And the face of Princess Amelia. And I hope you enjoy the next four blogs. I am doing my own "special" on each of my Deputies and the Sheriff that I work with. You've read the one about Loverboy. Now it's time to bare my heart on the others. Until we meet again my friend, until we meet again.
Once upon a time there was a Princess. And her name was Amelia. She grew up in a castle. And this castle had its good parts and its "bad" parts. One of the good parts is that it housed all the people she loved. Or most of them anyway. Even when those people were mean to her, she loved those people. Because she knew, deep down in her heart, that when it came down to it, THOSE were the people that would be beside her when she truly needed someone. And they have proven that. For the most part anyway. This part of the castle gave her security. Gave her no false hopes. The door was always open and nobody could hurt her from the outside world, as long as she stayed in that castle.
One of the "bad" parts was that on the back side of the castle was a jail. It held bad people; it held mean people; it held dirty people; The most important thing is that it held PEOPLE. People of all ages, all races, all genders, all religions and all HUMAN. That is the key thing that I want to express first and foremost. All of these people, in some way, needed help. And that's why they were there. This "bad" part of the castle taught the Princess that people will come and go, whether she wanted them to or not. And to this day, she believes that this experience is why she is so good at letting people out of her life.
For all the good parts of living in the castle, there are a hundred reasons why Princess Amelia's fondest memories are of the "bad" part. Don't get me wrong, she loved the castle and every little thing about it. But nothing and I mean NOTHING will ever come close to the love and the feel of the jail. And that is why most of the memories you will learn about on this page today, are about that part of the castle.
Princess Amelia learned many things in that "bad" part of the castle. She learned how to roller skate. Really good. She would skate around the inner cell and it would annoy the fuck out of the "bad" people and they would bang on the walls; which would in turn, scare the hell out of Princess Amelia and she would skate FASTER. Around the dark corner, as fast as her wheels could take her!
She also learned a very big and very very important life lesson in this part of the castle. I mentioned it above. These people were human. They bled just like she did. They had hearts just like she did. But these people needed help. And she tried to do her part of helping them by being their friend. Every one of them that passed through the castle doors. Now, I'm sure there are some nay-sayers out there that would say "Kids should be kept away from THESE kinds of people." If you honestly believe that then I say you should be slapped. Very hard. With a board.
Princess Amelia learned that every one of these people had a story to tell. Whether good or bad. They needed someone to tell it to and who better than a child. Because children don't judge. Or at least, they didn't back in the day. Children were children just trying to get in as much play time as they could get in. To the Princess though, what she thought was playing, was actually teaching her a lot of life's lessons. She would eat her meals with these people. She wanted them to be a part of her life, even if for that very short time.
Princess Amelia had several whittling lessons from one of these people. He was a fun man. He lived in a town about ten miles away and he would WALK to her town, go to the bar, get hammered drunk, start a fight and when they told him they were going to call the police, he would say "Don't bother, I'm just going to walk up to the castle and turn myself in." And he did. Almost every weekend. He would go to the office, tell them what he done and the King would get out of bed and lock him up. It didn't take many times of doing this that we learned he was doing it so he could get a hot meal and the Queen made FABULOUS meals. She was known for it.
So the Princess would wait until the King unlocked the door the next morning and run in and wake up the man. "It's time for another lesson! Let's go outside!" And so they did. They sat right on the front porch of that castle and he learned her to whittle. She sucks at it though. Don't ask her to whittle for you. But she knew that man had a heart of gold. He had the patience of a Saint. And he had nothing more than love for this little Princess.
Another man that was a super bad guy. I don't know what he did to get put in there but he must have been awful bad because he was constantly locked in that inner cell. Well he hung himself before the Princess could even get a story on him. Bastard. Oh well, it's probably for the best. Who would wanna hang around with a dead beat anyway, huh? -_-
A local man had gotten into drugs. Such a shame. He was the high school football quarterback just a few years previous and then he got into drugs. He shot his wife. Yessiree he did. Right smack in the head. In front of the Avon lady. Dammit that's a bad day for anyone involved. When he is finally arrested and brought to jail, the Princess is thrilled. She has someone she can play with for a long time AND he's sooooo cute!! There wasn't another girl around that didn't think he wasn't the cutest thing since kittens! The Princess was with him every waking moment. She ate her meals with him (and he got to attend the family Thanksgiving in the Castle dining room with the family that year), she watched tv with him, she even just hung out with him. Most importantly, she was his friend.
Eventually Princess Amelia, as well as, the King and Queen had to move out of the Castle. The King was tired and needed to care for his parents. This was a sad sad day for the Princess. She knew that that part of her life was completely over and she could never have it back. It's just as well. She knew she would always have in her hearts, all those people that she helped by listening or just by being there.
You see, people make mistakes. Good people make mistakes just as well as bad people. Life is hard enough without everyone trying to pass judgement on everyone else simply because of the mistakes they have made. Misconceptions are too easy to come and go by. These people, as well as the people that have to arrest and jail them should not be defined by what they do. But they are. Everybody is. Policemen, whether they be cops, officers, deputies, sheriff's, are defined by what they do. And they are judged accordingly. I don't know a single group of people that aren't. People, this needs to stop. Yes, I am including myself in this group here. We all need to stop. For the good of humanity.
This brings me to the other point that I want to make today and over the course of my next four blogs. Just because there are bad cops in the world, why does the general consensus have to be that all cops are bad. Or even most of them. I grew up around THEE most wonderful people that anyone could ask to be around. Not only did I grow up with THEE best family on the planet, I also had deputies, city policemen, dispatchers and a whole courthouse of people to depend on and know that they were watching over me. Helping me with anything my little heart desired. I honestly have ONE BAD MEMORY of a cop. He thought he was being really funny and locked me in the jail AFTER handcuffing me to the jail door.
That did NOT go over well with my father and that cop never did it again. Come to think of it, he quit shortly after that, flipped his lid, burnt his house down (or someone's house anyway) and away he went. I never saw him again. It's just as well though. I learned to hold contempt at an early age.
So now you know the story of Princess Amelia. And why she's such a people person. And why she's willing to give everybody on this ball ole ball of grass and water, a second chance. A third chance. However many it takes. She doesn't necessarily like that part of her but it's something she will never be able to change. She believes every person has some piece of good in her. Even the douche bags. Even the bastards. The assholes. And yes, even the pricks.
I hope you enjoyed this blog. It truly brought a smile to my face. And the face of Princess Amelia. And I hope you enjoy the next four blogs. I am doing my own "special" on each of my Deputies and the Sheriff that I work with. You've read the one about Loverboy. Now it's time to bare my heart on the others. Until we meet again my friend, until we meet again.
2012/04/25
Let's talk about.................crap
Do you talk in your sleep? Well, I guess I should ask if anyone has ever told you that you talk in your sleep. I have caught myself talking in my sleep before. My brother used to tease me and told me that Matilda and I were fighting over a boy (my brother's friend) in our sleep. She was at one end of the hallway and I was at the other. In our own rooms. I don't believe that for a second but it's a good story.
Gee has talked in his sleep since I've known him. And I've had some of the funniest conversations with him too! The other night we were laying in bed talking and then we kinda just let the whole conversation fizzle out. He was just laying there (as far as I knew) and I was just laying there. I was picking apart everything we had just talked about (like I always do) looking for spare parts. After about ten minutes of silence, I said "Are you asleep.............already?" No answer. "Gee?"
He slowly rolls his head my direction. "Yessss dear."
And I knew he was already asleep just by the way he slurred his words. (No, he wasn't drunk, I promise)
So I jump in with both feet. The water was cold but it was fun! "What are you saying yes to?"
His body language, which consisted of him trying to turn his head like he was awake told me that he was already irritated.
I rub my hands together and get ready for some laughs. Ok ok not really but in a literal sense, ok??? Geezus you're a tough crowd today!
"Yes to your question." His head goes back down.
"What was my question?"
Head is back up but now he won't even try to turn it like he's looking my way. "I know what it was." Head down.
"So what was it then? Because honestly, we haven't even spoken for like ten minutes."
Head came up pretty fast that time and he tried to turn it toward me but I think it was stuck. That sudden movement must have paralyzed him. "We haven't?"
"No, we haven't." Here comes that laughter. It's coming from deep inside. I can't control it. "Hahahahahahaha!"
"I think you're just trying to confuse me!" And his head went down and it stayed there the rest of the night as far as I know.
Funny stuff. Not the funniest and I wish I had been writing all these down because I could make a MINT off of some of the shit that comes out of his mouth. One night he was running from some animal he was hunting. I don't remember quite how that one goes but I remember he kept trying to move his legs and I asked him if he was alright. Don't want the man to have some kind of heart attack and not figure it out until morning when he's stiff BECAUSE he's dead! He told me that he needed to get out of the way because that animal was coming for him. I asked him what animal that was and all I could get out of him was the one he was hunting. Sometimes it's really hard to understand what he's saying.
And sometimes he whispers. I hate it when I can't hear what he's saying. I could turn the fan off but he would wake up then. Sometimes I ask him what his girlfriend thinks about things or why she doesn't help with the housework when she's here but I can't get it out of him. He tells me (when he's asleep) that he doesn't have a girlfriend because he has a good wife. Now.....when he's awake, it's a different story. He tells me that his girlfriend is too busy "servicing" him to clean. I know better. If she was "servicing" him, there would be newer dirty dishes on his table by his chair. Ha! I know what turns that man on!
One time that really stands out to me. We were just new at living together and he worked for an electrician. A piss poor fucking electrician but electrician all the same. Don't get me started on THAT guy. Douche bag America. Anyway....... He was asleep and I couldn't sleep. I shook him and said "Hey, do you wanna have sex?"
He didn't even flinch. "We can't."
I looked around for a rule book but I'll be damned if I could find one. I kept asking myself if we had made some kind of pact where we couldn't have it more than four times a night or what that was all about but then realized "OHHHH he doesn't have a clue!"
"Why can't we have sex?" Still no movement from his side of the bed.
"Because we didn't get a permit."
My eyes shot open wide! OH SHIT, I HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG FOR YEARS!! "Why do we need a permit Gee?"
*Intermission*
Even if he WAS dreaming about doing electrical work, shouldn't he AT LEAST move his body in some fashion? I mean, a lot of times he uses his hands when he talks so why not this time??? Why does he have to lay there like a freaking bump on a log? If I didn't know it was HIM speaking to me, I could've taken him for dead!
*Curtain is back up*
"Because the city won't let us do it until we have a permit."
(How was I to know that they were wanting to do a job that the city was involved in???)
Well I'll be jiggered! I REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG ALL THESE YEARS!! It's really hard to NOT laugh at shit like this but when I do, he wakes up and realizes that I have probably been fucking with him and he's kind of an asshole when he's woken up early. Go figure.
So that's the kind of fun I have when my husband is restlessly sleeping. Or not-so-restlessly sleeping. I wish I could remember some more of the really good conversations. I know there are heaps more. These are just the ones that stand out. I told him that if I EVER heard him say another man's name in his sleep, I would wake him up in a fashion that he won't like (cold glass of water). The reason I say another MAN'S name is because at one point in our lives together, he was spending WAY more time with his bestie than he was ME and I did NOT like it! Now I could care less! Shoo fly, shoo!
I have tried to get him to talk about other women in his sleep. Like his nasty fucking ex. But he won't have it. His sub-conscious doesn't even like her. Good boy.
Man, all this excitement has made me hungry. I just fixed a mini bag of popcorn. As I was putting it in the microwave, a fly tried to get in there. Ughhhh, does anyone remember that movie "The Fly?" Good movie but I don't need a fly meta-morphed into a flying bag of goodness that I want to eat. It's just not right.
This morning I went to C-town and did laundry for my dirty old man friend. To clarify, he's not a dirty old man in the sense that my friend Mick is a dirty old man. This dirty old man is just that; a dirty old man. Ok, older man. I have to be fair. He doesn't really have the mental capacity to know HOW to do regular things around the home BUT his family doesn't want to be the "bad guys" and put him in a facility where he needs to be so they recently moved him into an apartment of his own.
By recently, I mean in January. Yeah.....and I just found out about this. I had been doing this man's laundry up to the end of last year and thought it was weird that he hadn't called me. Hell, I saw him once at the hundred dollar store since January and he told me that he was getting ready to move as soon as he got the ok from the office. What the fuck dude, you were already moved? See what I mean about him needing to be in a facility? He forgets what's real life and whats not. It's too bad too because deep down, he's a really nice guy.
His mom was a client of mine when I did home health care. I fell in love with her and when we could do no more for her and she kept trying to do things she shouldn't and fell out of her wheelchair all the time, her family had to put her in the nursing home. Best thing they could've done for her. I try to go see her as much as I can (which is never enough when you're stuck in the nursing home). This woman is amazing to me. Worked hard all her life and because one pig (the animal, not what most would call the cops) decided it didn't want to do what she needed it to do, it nearly broke her hip and she was never the same again.
The point I am trying to make is that I promised her that I would help look out for her son. And I can't go back on that. I love her too much. Anyway, I could go on about her the rest of the day. Like I said, really nice guy. But when he doesn't understand something, he thinks he's being attacked. I have had to go head-to-head with him before and I do NOT back down from him. I think that's why he likes me. He is a B-I-G man. We're talking the body size of a small truck but the mentality of a gnat. It really is sad. So he finally calls me and asks me to come do his laundry. This was on Sunday. I told him I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and tell him what time I would be there on Wednesday.
Monday after work, he calls me again and asks me what time I am coming tomorrow. I told him that I wasn't coming tomorrow because I have to work. He sounds all depressed and says "oh." Now, to clarify again, he wasn't depressed because "I" wasn't coming. He was depressed because someone has told him he stinks and he knows he better get his clothes washed or they will tell him to not come to the nursing home until he smells better. Or nobody will sit on the bench with him at the hundred dollar store. Yes, that's the man. And yes, he stinks. To the High Heavens he stinks. And this folks, is why I wash my clothes EVERY time I wear them. We sweat in our clothes. Some people shit in their clothes. Yeah, it's true. He's done it all.
But in his defense, he really doesn't know what the hell to do in extreme situations. He called me once and was all worked up because he had been driving home from the hundred dollar store and needed to shit. He could feel it working itself out. He just gets home and runs in (as much as he CAN run) and shits his pants before he gets to the bathroom. He honest-to-goodness didn't know WHAT to do at that point. Other than go take his pants off and finish shitting in the toilet. I told him to calm down and take his overalls (and he doesn't wear underwear either, to make matters worse) and put them in some cold water and just let them soak all night. He still lived at the farm at this time and they didn't have any laundry facilities there. I told him to wring them out (I had to explain that and it wasn't so easy) the next morning and then take them outside and hang them on the line and I would deal with them when I got there.
See, I can be nice when I want to be. He JUST called me. Wow, his spidey sense must have been SPOT ON this afternoon!! He wanted me to know he got a key to his apartment made for me. Nice gesture. He knows that from now on, I WILL be cleaning while waiting for laundry (whether he wants me to or not) and if he's not there (how convenient), I can still get in. See............nice guy.
Shit, I hope I didn't forget where this story was leading...........................
This man is addicted to porn. I shit you not. I wonder if he can even reach his penis. I aint asking cuz I don't really fucken wanna see! Every extra dime he has is spent on porn at the pawn shop. I wish that jackass at the pawn shop would stop selling that shit to him. Everyone knows he's not mentally right. The fuckers just see his money though. Too bad.
So about this phone call, yeah.....that's where I was going. I told him that I wasn't coming on Tuesday; that I said I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and discuss what time I would be down on Wednesday. Ok, he's got it now. We hang up and life goes on.
Tuesday morning, I am going into work and my phone rings. It is him. SHIT, really?? I answer it.
"What time are you coming down?"
Operation evaporation is starting to take place. "I am not coming today. I told you that I would call you Tuesday AFTERNOON and tell you when I was coming down on WEDNESDAY morning. This is only Tuesday morning."
Breathe. Count to ten. Wait, what is he saying? Stop talking to yourself dammit!!
"Oh ok, I will see you tomorrow then."
If this phone wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it. "No, I will call you tonight around four thirty when I get home and tell you what time I am coming down."
He assures me he's got it this time. I go to work and have THEE most boring day of my month and run some errands (the wasps, the recyclables, yada yada yada) and forget to call him. OH YES I DID! After all that, I forget!!
Don't worry. He called me about five thirty.
"Hi, sorry I got busy and totally forgot to call you. I am really really sorry!"
"Oh that's ok, I totally understand. We are all busy. (See, how can you not like this guy?) "What time will you be down in the morning?"
Ahhhh he's finally got it! "Seven thirty, see you then!"
All's well that ends well! No shitty pants to report. His apartment is adorable. Now if I can JUST get him to BATHE on a daily basis. Any suggestions? And remember.....I'm NOT getting in the shower with him!! I would, however, show him how to shower if he's willing to let me be in there when he does it. I DID have to teach the man how to use deodorant. He was always afraid to use it because he didn't know how. He does have a BIT of pride though and I don't know how that would go over but JUST talking to him about it doesn't do much good. I wonder if I should take Gee down (they know each other) and have him "teach" him to shower? I don't know. I'm at my wit's end on this one. I've got to do SOMETHING though. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
And now, I will let your eyes rest, your brain wander.....or wonder, whichever is appropriate after reading this far..............and your body relax. Until next time. I will sign off with this bit of wisdom, if you are planning on visiting the Windsor in C-town anytime soon and you need to use the women's restroom, ONLY the "automated" sink on the left works and the "automated" paper towels won't disperse until it thinks you are walking away from it. By the time I had tried to walk away twice, my hands were already fucking dry. Assholes.
Gee has talked in his sleep since I've known him. And I've had some of the funniest conversations with him too! The other night we were laying in bed talking and then we kinda just let the whole conversation fizzle out. He was just laying there (as far as I knew) and I was just laying there. I was picking apart everything we had just talked about (like I always do) looking for spare parts. After about ten minutes of silence, I said "Are you asleep.............already?" No answer. "Gee?"
He slowly rolls his head my direction. "Yessss dear."
And I knew he was already asleep just by the way he slurred his words. (No, he wasn't drunk, I promise)
So I jump in with both feet. The water was cold but it was fun! "What are you saying yes to?"
His body language, which consisted of him trying to turn his head like he was awake told me that he was already irritated.
I rub my hands together and get ready for some laughs. Ok ok not really but in a literal sense, ok??? Geezus you're a tough crowd today!
"Yes to your question." His head goes back down.
"What was my question?"
Head is back up but now he won't even try to turn it like he's looking my way. "I know what it was." Head down.
"So what was it then? Because honestly, we haven't even spoken for like ten minutes."
Head came up pretty fast that time and he tried to turn it toward me but I think it was stuck. That sudden movement must have paralyzed him. "We haven't?"
"No, we haven't." Here comes that laughter. It's coming from deep inside. I can't control it. "Hahahahahahaha!"
"I think you're just trying to confuse me!" And his head went down and it stayed there the rest of the night as far as I know.
Funny stuff. Not the funniest and I wish I had been writing all these down because I could make a MINT off of some of the shit that comes out of his mouth. One night he was running from some animal he was hunting. I don't remember quite how that one goes but I remember he kept trying to move his legs and I asked him if he was alright. Don't want the man to have some kind of heart attack and not figure it out until morning when he's stiff BECAUSE he's dead! He told me that he needed to get out of the way because that animal was coming for him. I asked him what animal that was and all I could get out of him was the one he was hunting. Sometimes it's really hard to understand what he's saying.
And sometimes he whispers. I hate it when I can't hear what he's saying. I could turn the fan off but he would wake up then. Sometimes I ask him what his girlfriend thinks about things or why she doesn't help with the housework when she's here but I can't get it out of him. He tells me (when he's asleep) that he doesn't have a girlfriend because he has a good wife. Now.....when he's awake, it's a different story. He tells me that his girlfriend is too busy "servicing" him to clean. I know better. If she was "servicing" him, there would be newer dirty dishes on his table by his chair. Ha! I know what turns that man on!
One time that really stands out to me. We were just new at living together and he worked for an electrician. A piss poor fucking electrician but electrician all the same. Don't get me started on THAT guy. Douche bag America. Anyway....... He was asleep and I couldn't sleep. I shook him and said "Hey, do you wanna have sex?"
He didn't even flinch. "We can't."
I looked around for a rule book but I'll be damned if I could find one. I kept asking myself if we had made some kind of pact where we couldn't have it more than four times a night or what that was all about but then realized "OHHHH he doesn't have a clue!"
"Why can't we have sex?" Still no movement from his side of the bed.
"Because we didn't get a permit."
My eyes shot open wide! OH SHIT, I HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG FOR YEARS!! "Why do we need a permit Gee?"
*Intermission*
Even if he WAS dreaming about doing electrical work, shouldn't he AT LEAST move his body in some fashion? I mean, a lot of times he uses his hands when he talks so why not this time??? Why does he have to lay there like a freaking bump on a log? If I didn't know it was HIM speaking to me, I could've taken him for dead!
*Curtain is back up*
"Because the city won't let us do it until we have a permit."
(How was I to know that they were wanting to do a job that the city was involved in???)
Well I'll be jiggered! I REALLY HAVE BEEN DOING IT WRONG ALL THESE YEARS!! It's really hard to NOT laugh at shit like this but when I do, he wakes up and realizes that I have probably been fucking with him and he's kind of an asshole when he's woken up early. Go figure.
So that's the kind of fun I have when my husband is restlessly sleeping. Or not-so-restlessly sleeping. I wish I could remember some more of the really good conversations. I know there are heaps more. These are just the ones that stand out. I told him that if I EVER heard him say another man's name in his sleep, I would wake him up in a fashion that he won't like (cold glass of water). The reason I say another MAN'S name is because at one point in our lives together, he was spending WAY more time with his bestie than he was ME and I did NOT like it! Now I could care less! Shoo fly, shoo!
I have tried to get him to talk about other women in his sleep. Like his nasty fucking ex. But he won't have it. His sub-conscious doesn't even like her. Good boy.
Man, all this excitement has made me hungry. I just fixed a mini bag of popcorn. As I was putting it in the microwave, a fly tried to get in there. Ughhhh, does anyone remember that movie "The Fly?" Good movie but I don't need a fly meta-morphed into a flying bag of goodness that I want to eat. It's just not right.
This morning I went to C-town and did laundry for my dirty old man friend. To clarify, he's not a dirty old man in the sense that my friend Mick is a dirty old man. This dirty old man is just that; a dirty old man. Ok, older man. I have to be fair. He doesn't really have the mental capacity to know HOW to do regular things around the home BUT his family doesn't want to be the "bad guys" and put him in a facility where he needs to be so they recently moved him into an apartment of his own.
By recently, I mean in January. Yeah.....and I just found out about this. I had been doing this man's laundry up to the end of last year and thought it was weird that he hadn't called me. Hell, I saw him once at the hundred dollar store since January and he told me that he was getting ready to move as soon as he got the ok from the office. What the fuck dude, you were already moved? See what I mean about him needing to be in a facility? He forgets what's real life and whats not. It's too bad too because deep down, he's a really nice guy.
His mom was a client of mine when I did home health care. I fell in love with her and when we could do no more for her and she kept trying to do things she shouldn't and fell out of her wheelchair all the time, her family had to put her in the nursing home. Best thing they could've done for her. I try to go see her as much as I can (which is never enough when you're stuck in the nursing home). This woman is amazing to me. Worked hard all her life and because one pig (the animal, not what most would call the cops) decided it didn't want to do what she needed it to do, it nearly broke her hip and she was never the same again.
The point I am trying to make is that I promised her that I would help look out for her son. And I can't go back on that. I love her too much. Anyway, I could go on about her the rest of the day. Like I said, really nice guy. But when he doesn't understand something, he thinks he's being attacked. I have had to go head-to-head with him before and I do NOT back down from him. I think that's why he likes me. He is a B-I-G man. We're talking the body size of a small truck but the mentality of a gnat. It really is sad. So he finally calls me and asks me to come do his laundry. This was on Sunday. I told him I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and tell him what time I would be there on Wednesday.
Monday after work, he calls me again and asks me what time I am coming tomorrow. I told him that I wasn't coming tomorrow because I have to work. He sounds all depressed and says "oh." Now, to clarify again, he wasn't depressed because "I" wasn't coming. He was depressed because someone has told him he stinks and he knows he better get his clothes washed or they will tell him to not come to the nursing home until he smells better. Or nobody will sit on the bench with him at the hundred dollar store. Yes, that's the man. And yes, he stinks. To the High Heavens he stinks. And this folks, is why I wash my clothes EVERY time I wear them. We sweat in our clothes. Some people shit in their clothes. Yeah, it's true. He's done it all.
But in his defense, he really doesn't know what the hell to do in extreme situations. He called me once and was all worked up because he had been driving home from the hundred dollar store and needed to shit. He could feel it working itself out. He just gets home and runs in (as much as he CAN run) and shits his pants before he gets to the bathroom. He honest-to-goodness didn't know WHAT to do at that point. Other than go take his pants off and finish shitting in the toilet. I told him to calm down and take his overalls (and he doesn't wear underwear either, to make matters worse) and put them in some cold water and just let them soak all night. He still lived at the farm at this time and they didn't have any laundry facilities there. I told him to wring them out (I had to explain that and it wasn't so easy) the next morning and then take them outside and hang them on the line and I would deal with them when I got there.
See, I can be nice when I want to be. He JUST called me. Wow, his spidey sense must have been SPOT ON this afternoon!! He wanted me to know he got a key to his apartment made for me. Nice gesture. He knows that from now on, I WILL be cleaning while waiting for laundry (whether he wants me to or not) and if he's not there (how convenient), I can still get in. See............nice guy.
Shit, I hope I didn't forget where this story was leading...........................
This man is addicted to porn. I shit you not. I wonder if he can even reach his penis. I aint asking cuz I don't really fucken wanna see! Every extra dime he has is spent on porn at the pawn shop. I wish that jackass at the pawn shop would stop selling that shit to him. Everyone knows he's not mentally right. The fuckers just see his money though. Too bad.
So about this phone call, yeah.....that's where I was going. I told him that I wasn't coming on Tuesday; that I said I would call him on Tuesday afternoon and discuss what time I would be down on Wednesday. Ok, he's got it now. We hang up and life goes on.
Tuesday morning, I am going into work and my phone rings. It is him. SHIT, really?? I answer it.
"What time are you coming down?"
Operation evaporation is starting to take place. "I am not coming today. I told you that I would call you Tuesday AFTERNOON and tell you when I was coming down on WEDNESDAY morning. This is only Tuesday morning."
Breathe. Count to ten. Wait, what is he saying? Stop talking to yourself dammit!!
"Oh ok, I will see you tomorrow then."
If this phone wasn't so expensive, I would have thrown it. "No, I will call you tonight around four thirty when I get home and tell you what time I am coming down."
He assures me he's got it this time. I go to work and have THEE most boring day of my month and run some errands (the wasps, the recyclables, yada yada yada) and forget to call him. OH YES I DID! After all that, I forget!!
Don't worry. He called me about five thirty.
"Hi, sorry I got busy and totally forgot to call you. I am really really sorry!"
"Oh that's ok, I totally understand. We are all busy. (See, how can you not like this guy?) "What time will you be down in the morning?"
Ahhhh he's finally got it! "Seven thirty, see you then!"
All's well that ends well! No shitty pants to report. His apartment is adorable. Now if I can JUST get him to BATHE on a daily basis. Any suggestions? And remember.....I'm NOT getting in the shower with him!! I would, however, show him how to shower if he's willing to let me be in there when he does it. I DID have to teach the man how to use deodorant. He was always afraid to use it because he didn't know how. He does have a BIT of pride though and I don't know how that would go over but JUST talking to him about it doesn't do much good. I wonder if I should take Gee down (they know each other) and have him "teach" him to shower? I don't know. I'm at my wit's end on this one. I've got to do SOMETHING though. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
And now, I will let your eyes rest, your brain wander.....or wonder, whichever is appropriate after reading this far..............and your body relax. Until next time. I will sign off with this bit of wisdom, if you are planning on visiting the Windsor in C-town anytime soon and you need to use the women's restroom, ONLY the "automated" sink on the left works and the "automated" paper towels won't disperse until it thinks you are walking away from it. By the time I had tried to walk away twice, my hands were already fucking dry. Assholes.
2012/04/24
Bee nice to me.....I didn't run anyone over today
I have pages and pages and pages of topics to talk about. None of them interest me right now. See, that's the problem with these blogs; it's hard to find a topic that people can force themselves to start reading while putting enough humor in it to keep them going to the next paragraph. I will not be offended if you go to sleep or go watch that train wreck of a show called, "It's always sunny in Philadelphia."
Now there's a show that I just don't understand. It truly is a train wreck to me. But it's SUCH a train wreck that I can't NOT watch it. Does that make sense? I will be scrolling through the guide and see that show is on and turn to it. Before I can talk myself out of it, I am already watching it. And I can't even stand Danny DeVito. I mean, I liked him in Taxi, although he was really loud and mean. You'd think that would interest me but it doesn't. Loud and mean. I like mean, don't get me wrong. Hell I have enough mean in just ME to fill a dozen or so people but loud and mean don't go hand in hand.
Loud is for getting your point across. Mean is for kicks. Haha man I need to kick my ass.
Got all my recyclables taken to the bins. Come home to find out I have wasps all around my front door. That's just great considering I'm allergic to them. I sent a text to Gee telling him he is on kill patrol when he gets home. That job is exactly how I found out I am allergic to those little bastards. We were in C-town and Gee was doing some fence work for some previous clients of mine and I went in and got the Raid Wasp & Hornet spray because I saw a lot of them and I had my baby Bear and ya know, as a good mommy, didn't want HIM to get stung!! So I walked over to the area I knew the nest was at (but we hadn't found it yet) when about a dozen or so wasps come out and fly right at me. I hadn't even had time to spray yet!
Those little bastards knew what was coming!! So what do I do? I swatted at them. Boy that pissed them off! I got stung in each hand. In the very same place on each hand. How ironic is that? Matching stings. Within seconds, my hands looked like Professor Klumps hands. H-U-G-E. Oh dear, it was awful. Gee stands there and watches me get stung. He doesn't even move to help me or anything. All he can say is "Get out of there." I'm on a deck with a low locked door. Thankfully the deck is level with the yard because I had no choice but to jump over the railing.
I will never forget that. I had to drive home because Gee didn't have a license at that time and my car is a stick. I couldn't bend my fingers and Gee had to shift gears for me. And if that wasn't fun enough, I couldn't write for days because I couldn't grasp a pen and I had just started my job about a month previously, if that. Kinda hard to write messages or even type messages when your fingers won't bend. Or move.
So yeah, right now I am staying inside with my friend Epi. Man I hate those little bastards. The wasps, not the pens. And I'm pretty sure there's one either on my front porch or inside my house somewhere. Every little bit I just stop what I'm doing and listen for the buzzzzzzz. Luckily I've only found a fly so far.
I had a pretty uneventful day at work today.................again. I went to Subway for my lunch and about half a block away from where I had just pulled out, a lady and her young daughter were bike riding. They were just ready to cross the road from being stopped at a stop sign so I stopped. Completely. I waved at them to go on across the intersection. I figured it would be a nice gesture since her daughter was with her. The mother just smiled at me. So I said out the window, "Go on across. I will wait." She just kept smiling at me and says, "No, you go on ahead." Really you ungrateful wench? I just stopped a two and a half ton vehicle for you. The fucking least you could do was cross the damned street. The next time I see her, I may not be so nice. You can't say I don't sometimes TRY to be nice!!!
So remember, the next time you are out walking or riding your bike and someone takes the time to stop their vehicle to let you pass, PASS!! Don't be a bitch about it or that person could just run you the fuck over. Seriously. I know crazies like that.
My cousin Bond sent me a message today. He's going to be our "guide" when we go out to Vegas this fall. He's a sick fucker and one of my favorite cousins in the world. Just because he figured out (and he shouldn't even know about this shit) that I went and had a Brazillian wax job done, he thought I should know they also do anal bleaching. WHAT. THE. FUCK??? First off, why would you need to bleach your anus? Secondly, how would you even KNOW your anus needed bleaching? Thirdly, why would you ALLOW someone to bleach your anus? Fourth, why would you PAY someone to bleach your anus? Oh my gawd, I couldn't believe it when he sent it to me. The things this man knows about scares the bejeezus right out of me for sure. And he thinks I'm a freak.........................HA! That's one of those "takes one to know one" things right there! This subject makes me want to go bathe. Gross
Another thing on Facebook today. This little diddy.
A true friend doesn't care when you're broke, what you weight, if your house is a mess, about your past, or if your family is filled with crazies. They love you for who you are. They back you in all you do. A true friend can go long periods of time without speaking to you and never question the friendship. Report if you have at least one true friend.
And trust me. It's on EVERYONE'S wall! I'm so sick of seeing it. I think every damned person on my friend's list has it posted. Makes me want to punch them. A true friend would tell you that you are annoying the fuck out of them by posting this shit on your wall after nine hundred others have already done it. WE GET THE FUCKING PICTURE ALREADY!
While waiting for something to happen today, I called my cell phone provider to ask some questions that obviously they knew nothing about. I had to go through about three different people. They had me on the line for an hour. No kidding! And the last lady I talked to; ugh! She thought I was so nice she just wouldn't shut the fuck up. Seriously. She told me that she just loved talking to me and was asking me what apps I have on my phone and was telling me all the apps she has on hers...blah blah blah. Are cell phones worth that bullshit???
I will close with this really funny joke I got today. I was sitting at my desk just laughing my ass off. My co-workers probably thought I had finally lost it. Here goes:
BUYING A MATURE WOMAN'S BATHING SUIT
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the
mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much
sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift,
and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are
designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from
a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to
the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a
skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped
from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every
run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible
choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent
rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible
choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the
fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the
extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The
Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by
NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives
the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever
yourself into one, you would be protected from shark
attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff
would immediately suffer whiplash.
I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the
shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had
disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my
left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I
located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across
her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and
lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. I
was the proud owner of a uni-boob!
The bathing suit fit alright, but unfortunately it only fit
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me
oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked
like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come
from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through
the in, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the
bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had
to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me
look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece
that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving
ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged
frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant
with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number
with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I
thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair
with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It
was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.
My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material
might become transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body
of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in
cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!
Note: Anyone who received this - who wears a single digit
dress size -THIS WAS SENT TO YOU IN ERROR, but I hope you
got a good chuckle out of it anyway!
Oh that is just too funny! In closing, I have to tell you what I read in my book today. "You got to cry as much as you laugh so be careful how much you laugh." Pretty neat quote but I hope it's wrong because I laugh at WAY too much at life!
"The snow will be as high in winter as the spiders make their webs in August." I have never paid attention. I was too busy running away from the spiders.
Until next time. Have a good evening folks.
2012/04/23
Calling all cooks..............good ones please
I have the hiccups. And they SUCK. This is actually twice today I've had them and they suck worse each time. I thought if I got my mind off of them maybe they'd go away. We'll see if that works.
I took my pretty blue case off my phone yesterday. It seems I'm the only one in the workplace that can't get very good signal inside the building. I had high hopes that by taking that off, I would miraculously get better signal in there. Yeah.....I know. You don't have to say it. I'm also one of those people that hold the phone up to the sky when signal is low in hopes a wave of signal will come take my text and deliver it. Hey, it usually works.
As you can guess, it didn't help my signal one lousy bit. Irritates me. Everybody says "why don't you just change providers?" Sure! And while I'm at it, I'll just change satellite companies, gas companies and utility providers!! Why the hell should I have to change providers to get good coverage? Fuck it, I'm stubborn. I'll work without a good signal. Hell, it'll do me good to not have my phone on me at work. Can't text while I'm booking in those bad guys anyway, can I? Nope!!
*sigh* Good thing I have my Kindle Fire with Mobile Hotspot! Hahaha! No, in all seriousness, I do take my Fire to work with me and sometimes.....and I mean RARELY, I turn it on and use it. I have high hopes of reading a lot of books at work but all those fucken prisoners and bosses get in my way. What the fuck people!?! Can't you see I'm reading here??? Yeah.....it's true. They expect me to actually WORK while I'm there. The nerve of those bastards.
So now that I don't have my case on my phone anymore, I am so afraid of dropping it. And the screen is so fricken touchy it pisses me off in thirteen colors. I talk-to-text so I don't have to use my thumbs and risk dropping it if I'm walking around. So if you get a text from me and it says something like "I was just raped by a gang of formidable mosquitoes," you know why. Stupid smart phone can't fucking hear what I am clearly saying. Next thing you know it'll need a hearing aid. I guess that's what I get for laughing at Viv's smartphone.
A friend of mine recently dropped her phone in the toilet. What a shitty day. Pun intended. I will take applause. *bows* She was carrying it in her back pocket and yep, when she dropped the drawers, she dropped the call! Talk about a bad day! And her phone..............is an expensive phone! Hope she had insurance on that baby!
I am terrible with phones. I always do something to fuck mine up. One phone I dropped in the snow. The first night I had it. I immediately plucked that thing up but it was too late. Snow got in. I took the battery out and put it in rice. I didn't WANT to but I did. What I WANTED to do was text everybody on the planet and say "hey, I got a new phone. Do you like it? Oh yeah, and this is my new phone number." But NOOOOOOO!! I had to put MY new phone in fucking rice! That about killed me.
I had an awesome pink flip phone. Forgot to take it out of my glove box while working in Wichita, KS.............*sigh* this also was the very first day I had it.......................and went out on my break for a phone call and cigarette and both were stolen. MOTHER FUCKERS!! They took my cigarettes! I. Was. Furious!! Do you know how much cigarettes cost? Anyway, I drove right back to Sprint and told them to give me a new phone. Yeah, that cost me. Sonnabitches. I never found out who took it but I did find out all they had had time to do on it was look at the internet for a few minutes. Haha stoopids.
I figure if I can get past the initial twenty four hours with any new phone, I'm good to go. I'm safe. Except for the fact that I have since then, let one touch screen phone slide off my dash and into a whole glass of water. Yep. They sent me another one. In a different color. That wasn't very fun. Waited until I was out of contract and then got me a Blackberry.
Very very proud of my Blackberry. I coddled it. I would shine it. I showed it off to everyone. And then my nephews got me with a water balloon................or six at a family reunion and so much for that. SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! I got my Blackberry.....the first one.....in May. I got my new Blackberry.....yeah, the replacement.....in July. Geezus H Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! I'm a mess with phones! And I'm not even going to say that I'm not with this phone. Although nothing has happened YET........................except for that one time I dropped it in the parking lot on girls weekend away.........................it's only a matter of time. I love my HTC and I don't want it hurt. We'll see how long this lasts. -_-
Psssssttttt..............Vivian is on another page RIGHT NOW, trying to distract me. She's talking about books. If I misspell anything from here on out tonight, it's HER fault. She's such a sneak. I love books. I love reading. Until I don't. When I stop loving it, I don't love it anymore. And I get in those moods sometimes. Right now is not one of those moods. I love books like a diabetic loves carbohydrates!! Yeah buddy!!
Back to my phone blog. Isn't it funny how we love our phones? We can't leave the house without them. Some of us....................ahem..............take theirs to the bathroom with them. Lamers!! *cough* I know someone who used to be like that. Took their phone with them to the bathroom. But then she got over that. I also know someone else who should have learned to not take her phone to the bathroom! Bahaha that's the gal that lost it in the toilet. Honey, that's what purses are for! God had a plan when he invented those!!
I actually am enjoying the fact that I can't talk on my phone at work. Sometimes it will ring in but I know, without a doubt, if i answer it, nobody can hear me. Silence is golden. It truly is. I like knowing that the only way someone can get a hold of me is to #1-WAIT until I'm off work, #2-call me on my work phone (and nobody will do that or I will tell them they are getting me in trouble even if they aren't), #3-leave a VOICEMAIL and hope that I get back to them, OR #4-text me. I suppose if you wanted to be resourceful, you could go for #5 and come to my workplace to see me but then you risk the chance of me having to embarrass you in front of ALL my co-workers as I tell you that you are getting me in trouble by coming there. Hahaha yes, silence is truly golden my friends.
So it's funny to me that we love the idea of shutting our phones off and muting the technological world as if duct taping the mouths of thousands but in return, it about paralyzes us when we accidentally kill our phones. Like we just ran over a family member. (In-laws are NOT considered family members, right?) Ahem...................that's another blog.
In closing, I am going to share a secret with you. I made a loin steak for dinner tonight. It's gorgeous. Pork loin with dressing and spices rolled up inside of it and green onions garnishing the top and bacon wrapped around them. Ahhhhh I did good. Ok ok, Fareway did good. Yes.....I bought them. Who the hell has time to do this? I can't miss my naps!! I purchased them, brought them home and laid them out beautifully in a dish to put in the oven when Gee was on his way home from work. And I did.
Before I go any further, I would like to add that I no longer have the hiccups and don't even know how long I have not had them. I guess that whole "getting my mind off of them" thing actually does work! Crazy!!
So................I just went in to get them out of the oven because my timer was driving even the neighbors crazy and I couldn't believe how beautiful they still were. I mean they were PERFECT!! In every way!! And then I realized.......................they are wrapped in fucking plastic. Yes, I cooked them in the fucking plastic wrap. Well no fucking wonder they are so perfect looking!! DUH DUH AND OH EM GEE DUH!! It's a wonder I am even allowed out on the streets alone.
Doesn't it make you feel safe to know that sometimes this county is in MY hands? Hahahahaha Good night and good luck!!
I took my pretty blue case off my phone yesterday. It seems I'm the only one in the workplace that can't get very good signal inside the building. I had high hopes that by taking that off, I would miraculously get better signal in there. Yeah.....I know. You don't have to say it. I'm also one of those people that hold the phone up to the sky when signal is low in hopes a wave of signal will come take my text and deliver it. Hey, it usually works.
As you can guess, it didn't help my signal one lousy bit. Irritates me. Everybody says "why don't you just change providers?" Sure! And while I'm at it, I'll just change satellite companies, gas companies and utility providers!! Why the hell should I have to change providers to get good coverage? Fuck it, I'm stubborn. I'll work without a good signal. Hell, it'll do me good to not have my phone on me at work. Can't text while I'm booking in those bad guys anyway, can I? Nope!!
*sigh* Good thing I have my Kindle Fire with Mobile Hotspot! Hahaha! No, in all seriousness, I do take my Fire to work with me and sometimes.....and I mean RARELY, I turn it on and use it. I have high hopes of reading a lot of books at work but all those fucken prisoners and bosses get in my way. What the fuck people!?! Can't you see I'm reading here??? Yeah.....it's true. They expect me to actually WORK while I'm there. The nerve of those bastards.
So now that I don't have my case on my phone anymore, I am so afraid of dropping it. And the screen is so fricken touchy it pisses me off in thirteen colors. I talk-to-text so I don't have to use my thumbs and risk dropping it if I'm walking around. So if you get a text from me and it says something like "I was just raped by a gang of formidable mosquitoes," you know why. Stupid smart phone can't fucking hear what I am clearly saying. Next thing you know it'll need a hearing aid. I guess that's what I get for laughing at Viv's smartphone.
A friend of mine recently dropped her phone in the toilet. What a shitty day. Pun intended. I will take applause. *bows* She was carrying it in her back pocket and yep, when she dropped the drawers, she dropped the call! Talk about a bad day! And her phone..............is an expensive phone! Hope she had insurance on that baby!
I am terrible with phones. I always do something to fuck mine up. One phone I dropped in the snow. The first night I had it. I immediately plucked that thing up but it was too late. Snow got in. I took the battery out and put it in rice. I didn't WANT to but I did. What I WANTED to do was text everybody on the planet and say "hey, I got a new phone. Do you like it? Oh yeah, and this is my new phone number." But NOOOOOOO!! I had to put MY new phone in fucking rice! That about killed me.
I had an awesome pink flip phone. Forgot to take it out of my glove box while working in Wichita, KS.............*sigh* this also was the very first day I had it.......................and went out on my break for a phone call and cigarette and both were stolen. MOTHER FUCKERS!! They took my cigarettes! I. Was. Furious!! Do you know how much cigarettes cost? Anyway, I drove right back to Sprint and told them to give me a new phone. Yeah, that cost me. Sonnabitches. I never found out who took it but I did find out all they had had time to do on it was look at the internet for a few minutes. Haha stoopids.
I figure if I can get past the initial twenty four hours with any new phone, I'm good to go. I'm safe. Except for the fact that I have since then, let one touch screen phone slide off my dash and into a whole glass of water. Yep. They sent me another one. In a different color. That wasn't very fun. Waited until I was out of contract and then got me a Blackberry.
Very very proud of my Blackberry. I coddled it. I would shine it. I showed it off to everyone. And then my nephews got me with a water balloon................or six at a family reunion and so much for that. SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! I got my Blackberry.....the first one.....in May. I got my new Blackberry.....yeah, the replacement.....in July. Geezus H Kraft Macaroni and Cheese! I'm a mess with phones! And I'm not even going to say that I'm not with this phone. Although nothing has happened YET........................except for that one time I dropped it in the parking lot on girls weekend away.........................it's only a matter of time. I love my HTC and I don't want it hurt. We'll see how long this lasts. -_-
Psssssttttt..............Vivian is on another page RIGHT NOW, trying to distract me. She's talking about books. If I misspell anything from here on out tonight, it's HER fault. She's such a sneak. I love books. I love reading. Until I don't. When I stop loving it, I don't love it anymore. And I get in those moods sometimes. Right now is not one of those moods. I love books like a diabetic loves carbohydrates!! Yeah buddy!!
Back to my phone blog. Isn't it funny how we love our phones? We can't leave the house without them. Some of us....................ahem..............take theirs to the bathroom with them. Lamers!! *cough* I know someone who used to be like that. Took their phone with them to the bathroom. But then she got over that. I also know someone else who should have learned to not take her phone to the bathroom! Bahaha that's the gal that lost it in the toilet. Honey, that's what purses are for! God had a plan when he invented those!!
I actually am enjoying the fact that I can't talk on my phone at work. Sometimes it will ring in but I know, without a doubt, if i answer it, nobody can hear me. Silence is golden. It truly is. I like knowing that the only way someone can get a hold of me is to #1-WAIT until I'm off work, #2-call me on my work phone (and nobody will do that or I will tell them they are getting me in trouble even if they aren't), #3-leave a VOICEMAIL and hope that I get back to them, OR #4-text me. I suppose if you wanted to be resourceful, you could go for #5 and come to my workplace to see me but then you risk the chance of me having to embarrass you in front of ALL my co-workers as I tell you that you are getting me in trouble by coming there. Hahaha yes, silence is truly golden my friends.
So it's funny to me that we love the idea of shutting our phones off and muting the technological world as if duct taping the mouths of thousands but in return, it about paralyzes us when we accidentally kill our phones. Like we just ran over a family member. (In-laws are NOT considered family members, right?) Ahem...................that's another blog.
In closing, I am going to share a secret with you. I made a loin steak for dinner tonight. It's gorgeous. Pork loin with dressing and spices rolled up inside of it and green onions garnishing the top and bacon wrapped around them. Ahhhhh I did good. Ok ok, Fareway did good. Yes.....I bought them. Who the hell has time to do this? I can't miss my naps!! I purchased them, brought them home and laid them out beautifully in a dish to put in the oven when Gee was on his way home from work. And I did.
Before I go any further, I would like to add that I no longer have the hiccups and don't even know how long I have not had them. I guess that whole "getting my mind off of them" thing actually does work! Crazy!!
So................I just went in to get them out of the oven because my timer was driving even the neighbors crazy and I couldn't believe how beautiful they still were. I mean they were PERFECT!! In every way!! And then I realized.......................they are wrapped in fucking plastic. Yes, I cooked them in the fucking plastic wrap. Well no fucking wonder they are so perfect looking!! DUH DUH AND OH EM GEE DUH!! It's a wonder I am even allowed out on the streets alone.
Doesn't it make you feel safe to know that sometimes this county is in MY hands? Hahahahaha Good night and good luck!!
2012/04/22
To Hug or Not To Hug
Hello and hugs all around. Hugs have been on my mind for the past couple of hours now so I may as well get it off my chest. I went down to C-town and met up with some friends. Seems my bestie's daughter has shacked up with some dude and she wanted to show off her new little home they are living in. Cute house. I hope she takes care of it now.
While there, I saw Kate's sister and we hugged when she left. Now think about the way you hug your friends. One arm goes up over the other person's and the other arm goes under. Have you ever thought about WHY it is like that? WHY we hug like that? Well apparently my mind was bored so I thought about it. This is what I came up with.
Maybe single women should hug a man with both of her hands up and vice versa for the single man.
Maybe married women should hug a man with both of her hands down and vice versa for the married man.
And when women hug women or men hug men, the older one gets to hug with their arms up or vice versa. Maybe they're too old to get their arms up that high.
But then what if they don't know who is older? AH-HA! That's why we hug that way!! Because we didn't want to insult anyone's age and that was the "respectable" way to hug!!
Hell I don't know!! This is just where my mind has been stuck in park at. Like getting stuck in the mud. Shit, I'm glad I'm free of THAT!! So I will just move right on out of that one. Once you get unstuck from the mud, you don't wanna go back in. Unless you have some bigger tires.
When I retrieved the mail yesterday, I received a couple of envelopes from a couple of different places. One was a bill. One was not. And yes, just for the record, I start opening my mail as I get it out of the mailbox and am walking to the house. I know Mick asked that question once on Facebook. *raises my hand* I am guilty!!
The first envelope I opened, was a statement from the doctor's office that says all the services they did for me at my last doctor's appointment and it's itemized. BUT at the top of the page it states "THIS IS NOT A BILL." Really!?! You may not be saying on THIS piece of paper that you want moolah from me BUT you do want moolah from me.
I have insurance and they pay most everything I have done so why not just skip the "THIS IS NOT A BILL" and just send me the damned bill already! There are enough trees being cut down senselessly the way it is. Wasting Waynes!!
In the other envelope, there was a bill. My cell phone bill to be exact. I usually have to have help packing this one in the house but it was three dollars cheaper than normal this time, so I was able to handle it on my own. Here's something that makes me scratch my head and go "huh?" Page one is an itemization of the charges. I turn it over and it has a whole page of "general information" and "bill explanation." Wow. Good thing they clear THAT up every fucking month. Then on the next page they print out another itemization of my bill but this one is broken down a little better. On the back side of this paper is a list of each and every call that I have made in the past 28 days or whatever. We are on the third page now. It is the continuation of my calls. Cripes I didn't even think I made this many calls in a month's time but apparently I do! It doesn't even take up HALF of the page and written under THAT is "THIS PAGE LEFT BLANK INTENTIONALLY." And if that's not confusing enough right there, they print another front page that is less than half a page that breaks down my calls into what they cost me. None of them cost me a penny. Geezus H. Crackers people! AND THEN there's the back side of this page (number 4) that has the US Cellular logo on it in one corner.
What a blatant showing of disrespect for our earth and our trees. I mean, I'm not a tree hugger in any sense (but I do love my trees and I plant some every year) but fuck me Judy! Stop the madness people! Just stop!! What is WRONG with this world? This is the computer age. AND I GET A BILL IN MY EMAIL AS WELL!! Is all this really necessary?? I chose paperless billing for a reason! Un-freaking-believable.
Ok ok I am going to lighten the mood a little here before I blow my stack. First off, I would like to report that my blood sugars are DOWN to NORMAL. I am so excited. Tired as hell but excited all the same. Now to keep making the same decisions I have been and keep myself leveled out. Oh yeah, I need to take my meds for the day or my great friend Kay will kick my ass. Doing it right NOW Kay.
For those of you that have multiple dogs or just know a lot about dogs, I have a question. Or two. Hell I could have a whole bunch by the time I get off this subject. Getting off might not be the phrase to use here but then again................ I assumed our female coon hound was in heat because our little male beaner cries and cries for her to come near him. He tries to hump her front legs and well.............she isn't going for it. She barks at him like a mother would. But still, he cries and cries and then tries and tries.
The other day I looked out and the coon hound, female mind you, has my FEMALE beaner and is holding her down with her front paws and just humping her like there's no tomorrow. The beaner would get out of her clutches and start to get away and coonie would grab her again and start humping. Next thing I know, fem beaner turns around and bites coonie. Right on her lower neck. Coonie just went and laid down and stared at her.
Why the hell do these dogs do this? This coon hound will hump ANYTHING!! I don't understand it! Is it JUST a dominance thing or is she sexually frustrated?? I'm about ready to take a corn cob and shove it up her twat for real!
I tell you what. I know sexual frustration and that ISN'T how it's supposed to be! Is it just me or do we tend to need less sex as we get older? I hope this isn't true because I have a feeling I will live to a ripe old age and I can't even imagine not having sex. Man, I remember the days when sex was fun no matter WHO you were having it with!! Hehehe These days I wouldn't DARE do sexually, what I used to do. Yikes! Even the thought of things I hear about these days scares the hell out of me. BUT I don't want to go without it.
I have two sisters that I am pretty sure are frigid. I haven't done any legal research on that so don't quote me. Or sue me. I don't have any money. And I'm not taking this back now. I have heard both of them say that they don't care for sex anymore. That it's not important in their day to day life.
If I ever say that out loud, would someone please just take me out. Don't kill me. Just take me out. To the deep dark woods. And beat the shit out of me. Until I come to my senses. Cripes. I wish my dogs would get old. Gross.
I think I'm going to call it a night. It's after nine pm and I haven't even made dinner for the husband. It was sure nice of him to come home tonight. After it was dark. He only left the house at five thirty this morning. In search of a Tom. Not to hump. He isn't like our lesbian coonie. A Tom to eat. He didn't come home with one. B00.
While there, I saw Kate's sister and we hugged when she left. Now think about the way you hug your friends. One arm goes up over the other person's and the other arm goes under. Have you ever thought about WHY it is like that? WHY we hug like that? Well apparently my mind was bored so I thought about it. This is what I came up with.
Maybe single women should hug a man with both of her hands up and vice versa for the single man.
Maybe married women should hug a man with both of her hands down and vice versa for the married man.
And when women hug women or men hug men, the older one gets to hug with their arms up or vice versa. Maybe they're too old to get their arms up that high.
But then what if they don't know who is older? AH-HA! That's why we hug that way!! Because we didn't want to insult anyone's age and that was the "respectable" way to hug!!
Hell I don't know!! This is just where my mind has been stuck in park at. Like getting stuck in the mud. Shit, I'm glad I'm free of THAT!! So I will just move right on out of that one. Once you get unstuck from the mud, you don't wanna go back in. Unless you have some bigger tires.
When I retrieved the mail yesterday, I received a couple of envelopes from a couple of different places. One was a bill. One was not. And yes, just for the record, I start opening my mail as I get it out of the mailbox and am walking to the house. I know Mick asked that question once on Facebook. *raises my hand* I am guilty!!
The first envelope I opened, was a statement from the doctor's office that says all the services they did for me at my last doctor's appointment and it's itemized. BUT at the top of the page it states "THIS IS NOT A BILL." Really!?! You may not be saying on THIS piece of paper that you want moolah from me BUT you do want moolah from me.
I have insurance and they pay most everything I have done so why not just skip the "THIS IS NOT A BILL" and just send me the damned bill already! There are enough trees being cut down senselessly the way it is. Wasting Waynes!!
In the other envelope, there was a bill. My cell phone bill to be exact. I usually have to have help packing this one in the house but it was three dollars cheaper than normal this time, so I was able to handle it on my own. Here's something that makes me scratch my head and go "huh?" Page one is an itemization of the charges. I turn it over and it has a whole page of "general information" and "bill explanation." Wow. Good thing they clear THAT up every fucking month. Then on the next page they print out another itemization of my bill but this one is broken down a little better. On the back side of this paper is a list of each and every call that I have made in the past 28 days or whatever. We are on the third page now. It is the continuation of my calls. Cripes I didn't even think I made this many calls in a month's time but apparently I do! It doesn't even take up HALF of the page and written under THAT is "THIS PAGE LEFT BLANK INTENTIONALLY." And if that's not confusing enough right there, they print another front page that is less than half a page that breaks down my calls into what they cost me. None of them cost me a penny. Geezus H. Crackers people! AND THEN there's the back side of this page (number 4) that has the US Cellular logo on it in one corner.
What a blatant showing of disrespect for our earth and our trees. I mean, I'm not a tree hugger in any sense (but I do love my trees and I plant some every year) but fuck me Judy! Stop the madness people! Just stop!! What is WRONG with this world? This is the computer age. AND I GET A BILL IN MY EMAIL AS WELL!! Is all this really necessary?? I chose paperless billing for a reason! Un-freaking-believable.
Ok ok I am going to lighten the mood a little here before I blow my stack. First off, I would like to report that my blood sugars are DOWN to NORMAL. I am so excited. Tired as hell but excited all the same. Now to keep making the same decisions I have been and keep myself leveled out. Oh yeah, I need to take my meds for the day or my great friend Kay will kick my ass. Doing it right NOW Kay.
For those of you that have multiple dogs or just know a lot about dogs, I have a question. Or two. Hell I could have a whole bunch by the time I get off this subject. Getting off might not be the phrase to use here but then again................ I assumed our female coon hound was in heat because our little male beaner cries and cries for her to come near him. He tries to hump her front legs and well.............she isn't going for it. She barks at him like a mother would. But still, he cries and cries and then tries and tries.
The other day I looked out and the coon hound, female mind you, has my FEMALE beaner and is holding her down with her front paws and just humping her like there's no tomorrow. The beaner would get out of her clutches and start to get away and coonie would grab her again and start humping. Next thing I know, fem beaner turns around and bites coonie. Right on her lower neck. Coonie just went and laid down and stared at her.
Why the hell do these dogs do this? This coon hound will hump ANYTHING!! I don't understand it! Is it JUST a dominance thing or is she sexually frustrated?? I'm about ready to take a corn cob and shove it up her twat for real!
I tell you what. I know sexual frustration and that ISN'T how it's supposed to be! Is it just me or do we tend to need less sex as we get older? I hope this isn't true because I have a feeling I will live to a ripe old age and I can't even imagine not having sex. Man, I remember the days when sex was fun no matter WHO you were having it with!! Hehehe These days I wouldn't DARE do sexually, what I used to do. Yikes! Even the thought of things I hear about these days scares the hell out of me. BUT I don't want to go without it.
I have two sisters that I am pretty sure are frigid. I haven't done any legal research on that so don't quote me. Or sue me. I don't have any money. And I'm not taking this back now. I have heard both of them say that they don't care for sex anymore. That it's not important in their day to day life.
If I ever say that out loud, would someone please just take me out. Don't kill me. Just take me out. To the deep dark woods. And beat the shit out of me. Until I come to my senses. Cripes. I wish my dogs would get old. Gross.
I think I'm going to call it a night. It's after nine pm and I haven't even made dinner for the husband. It was sure nice of him to come home tonight. After it was dark. He only left the house at five thirty this morning. In search of a Tom. Not to hump. He isn't like our lesbian coonie. A Tom to eat. He didn't come home with one. B00.
2012/04/21
I want a Loverboy like that...or do I
It's the weekend and boy am I glad to see it arrive!! Just another day closer to Monday!! Does anyone else hear the angels singing on high??
Worked with my girl Vivian today and.............We. Had. A. Blast. I kid you not. The Stanley Steemer man would be proud of us. Ya know, for someone who isn't an avid television watcher, I sure know a lot about commercials.....................
Seems no matter what we talked about, it somehow, in some form, came back to her husband. <3 I heart her husband. Truly. My husband even knows this. I talk about her husband to my husband all the time. Wait....................does anyone else think this is kinda sick and twisted??? No? Oh good, it's just me! I love it when I'm sick and twisted like that!!
See, Vivian's husband is who I like to refer to as Loverboy. I think in a previous blog, I called him Deputy Dawg. That's not MY name for him. That's Viv's name for him. Loverboy suits him just fine too. You've heard of these knights in shining armor that come riding in to save the damsel in distress and they're always tall, dark and handsome. Well two outta three aint bad honey. He's tall and oh so handsome! And the H-U-G-E bonus is that I get to work with him. Not nearly as close as we used to since moving to our new facility but I get to work with him all the same. He's dreamy..................................
Ahem! Oops sorry about that! My thoughts sometime drift away on a magic carpet ride. To places only the obscene should go. But hey, this is a semi family friendly blog so we won't go there. Besides he AND the wife read this damned blog so I have to have a stopping point on stuff like that. Look at that! He just blushed!!
Loverboy is a Deputy. He's one of those Deputies that I talked about in my last blog. One of those DAMN GOOD Deputies!! He never judges anyone and treats everyone with respect. Almost to the point where you sometimes wanna slap him upside the head and say "Hey, don't let that asshole talk to you like THAT! You are too nice to him!" But I would never slap Loverboy upside the head. He's like seven foot sixty or something.
The man is as tall as a house with the voice of a teddy bear. *sigh* I think he is seriously the last great man on this giant ball of grass and water. He doesn't talk bad about people. Well, unless he's provoked. And by provoked, I mean, forced. Haha. Yeah....................we force him to talk bad about people. I mean, come on, we can't be the only bad asses in the office! I love it when Loverboy says "And sometimes you're just an asshole." It's like hearing Teddy Ruxpin speak gangsta!
He did once insinuate (how the fuck is THAT spelled???) that I talk too much. Hmmmm what WAS that comment? Something about someone else never getting to speak because I won't ever stop!! What the fuck Loverboy? WHAT. THE. FUCK??? I'm your biggest fan and you say THAT?? Hmmmphh. (Don't worry. I broke up with him after that) HA! That'll teach ya!
And even through all of that, I can still say that this man is tops in my book. I could have ninety seven bazillion dollars and be able to AFFORD a man to treat me like he does his wife, and would still be disappointed. Dammit! You probably think I'm exaggerating but listen to this: When he is driving around on patrol at night, he is thinking of nice things to compliment his wife with. For example, they are standing in line at Starbucks and he looks into her eyes and says,
WARNING: VOMIT BAG MAY BE NECESSARY! YOU WERE WARNED!!
No, THAT'S not what he said! THIS is what he said:
"Sometimes when I look at you, I can hardly breathe."
Yes. He really said that. Laurence Olivier? I think that's who he is supposed to be. But here's the kicker. Ole Vivian, she thought he was having a heart attack. Excuse me? The man just poured his heart out to you and you check him for signs of coronary infarction? Excuse me.........acute miocardial infarction. Gotta remember the sort of people we are discussing here. They wipe (at least the adults in the house) with fifties and read the New York Times while on the toilet. I've not done research on that last part, so don't quote me.
If my husband ever said that to me in public, I would probably just rape him and get it over with. Seriously. There would be a youtube video around the world. Of course it would be labeled something like "Two walruses mate at Starbucks" or something of that nature. Yuck. Let's get out of this box. It stinks in here.
And you know how you sit around with you co-workers and maybe joke around about your spouse, or your partner or whoever that is you wake up with? Well we are only human where I work. We do it too. We aren't vulgar about it. Well...............not too vulgar anyway. And we aren't mean about it. Well..............they aren't. But I tell you what! This man has never said one negative thing about his wife that I have heard. Not even something so slight as her toenail polished being chipped.
I want a love like that. I want someone to look at me and see only good things. Even when I'm telling him he drives like a fucking lunatic. I don't think that kind of love exists, if you wanna know the truth. If it does, it doesn't happen in my world. Probably just as well. I wouldn't know how to deal with that on a daily basis anyway. I can just see it now. "Say something mean or I'm going to throw this iron at your head!" "Oh that's ok honey. It will only hurt until the pain goes away. Fire when ready." No.....I can't handle that.
Loverboy is known for his dumpster diving and recyling ways. Here is yet one more reason to love this man. He will fix something until it can not be fixed anymore. He gets his money's worth from everything he dives for. I love that. How can you NOT love that, right?? I haven't ever seen his garage at home but I have heard horror stories. Viv has even went as far as to bribe a couple of us at work to distract him while she pitches stuff to the curb. Of course I'll have none of that! Reuse people! This shit is not free, after all! Well at least most of it isn't! I gotcher back man! Seriously, you never know when you're gonna need something and he probably has it in his garage!
This man is also very very intelligent. One of the smartest I know. If you wanna know ANYTHING, just ask him. He will have an answer for you. It may not be the exact answer you are looking for but by god, it will have something to do with it! And it won't be a short answer. If that's what you're looking for, you better ask someone else because this man will give you the how, why and whatfor to your question and when he's done with that, he'll tack on the history and origin. He's just smart like that. True story.
So this blog, my dear sweet Deputy, is dedicated to you. Thanks for making my life so much more fun. Even if you are a nerd. That just may be the best part of you. Keep smiling and thanks for reading!
2012/04/20
Is my heart in this?
So today has been one of the laziest days I have had in...................years maybe. I got to bed a little after 0200 hrs. I remember (vaguely) Gee getting up and going to work. Don't know what time it was but I know he did. I woke up at 0804 hrs. and thought to myself, "I am going to sleep a little longer and then get up and head to Matilda's house." Next thing I know, my phone is vibrating and I answer it and it's Gee. And it's noon. Holy shit. I guess I did sleep a little longer!
ZZZZZZZZZZZ
WRONG! No text. Nothing. I knew she was meeting with a realtor today so I figured she would be busy by now anyway. So I laid around the house............in my bra and underwear.............with my hair done. I texted Kate to see if she wanted company and she was going to some home party and invited me to come with. No thanks! I finished the book on my Kindle and had some "breakfast" and started to get tired again! What the hell??
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Next I need to add that YOU JUST DODGED A BULLET! You seriously did! I had a whole big rant on here about my husband. No, not his driving again. Just him. But I'm better now. He had the balls to come talk to me and hopefully things are worked out. For the week. Because I know it won't last longer than that. I'm a realist. Is it me or does it seem that women care a lot more than men do? Maybe we just show it better. Or maybe we wear our hearts on our sleeves. I don't know. I need to buy more sleeveless tops I think.
Enough of that. Moving on. Have you seen that new tic tac commercial? They show a package of tic tacs and then start making pictures with the tic tacs. Then they say "People spend as much time in the bathroom per year as they do on vacation. Enjoy yourself. Have a tic tac. WHAT THE FUCK?? How does our vacation time, bathroom time and tac tics have ANYTHING to do with each other?? Maybe I should go into advertising. I could surely do better than THAT!
When I started blogging, I just made mental notes as to what I wanted to blog about. Then I kept forgetting. So I moved on to a notepad. Carried it with me. Until I forgot it. Then I started keeping notes in my phone and on my Kindle. Then I would forget to either look at both of them or just blew them off. So now I have decided to dig out my old journal. This is "the book" that I wrote out all my feelings about cancer and my mom and my niece and my ex-husband and my former dog. Lots of feelings in that book. I will do my best to refrain from reading what is already written in the book but I can't promise anything. You never know what you're gonna read here.
Dick Clark has died. I don't know anybody that didn't know Dick Clark. I loved that man. Handsome every day of his life and down to earth. He was awesome. The world truly will be a sadder place without him. I saw a picture on Facebook last night and it said "Dick Clark has died. We can no longer ring in the New Year. Well played Mayans. Well played." I thought about his for a second. Shit, maybe the Mayans really do know what the hell they're talking about. I mean, come on! We can't ring in a New Year without Dick Clark! I know some people did (ok lots of them) but I never have! NEVER!! This is downright scary.
I have several topics to blog about. I won't bring them ALL to the table tonight. You're welcome. I had a crappy night at work last night if anyone was wondering. I forgot my phone at home. I forgot my insulin at home. I forgot my journal at home. Well played dufus, well played. I would probably forget my name if it wasn't on my work shirts. Then my husband wouldn't answer HIS phone. THEN the 911 system goes haywire and we have to call another employee in who is a walking zombie at this point because he is ALWAYS at the office. *sigh* He yelled at me. That's all the further I'm going with that. Frank yelled at me. B00 :(
Other than the crappy part, it was uneventful. Ok well, except for sitting in and bullshitting with FNG. It was nice to just sit back and shoot the shit with him after all the tension we've had up to this point. He really is a nice guy. (He just likes to show his ass once in a while) And he liked my new work shoes. But hey, who wouldn't, right?? Another highlight of my night was listening to my co-worker yell at the radios, the telephones and hell even the tv for all I know! People are sure entertaining.
The thing that really sucks at work now is that we don't get to see the Deputies as much. I HATE that. I truly hate that. The Deputies are so fun to talk to. Usually. They have their moments. As do I. Rarely but I do. If they bring me a prisoner, they just drop them off and leave. B00! *sigh* Oh well, life must go on. Sometimes though, I run into my fave Deputy and we give each other a mountain of shit. He has recently started asking me "work questions." He's trying to catch me at a dumb moment, I just know it. Oh well! So far, so good.
I made the mistake of reading the internet news last night at work too. And I know I may be a little bias here BUT I want to get out there that I know there are a lot of bad cops in this world. I'm not naive. Much. But why is it so easy to blame the cops for any and every thing? If a cop doesn't show up in a minute, people think they don't give a shit. If a cop has something that is extremely important to tend to, the lesser of the two evils will have to wait. It's only right. The bad cops out there make it really bad for the good cops out there and trust me, there are A LOT more good cops out there than bad. People are too quick to judge anyone these days.
Well enough of this. I'm boring myself to tears. And it's late. I have to work in the morning. B00! I hope your weekend is full of happiness, sunshine and bliss.
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