This is WHY I work

I'm back and boy am I exhausted!  Working a double shift can sure fuck up two whole days in my world.  Especially if one of those shifts is an overnight shift.  I remember coming home after work, taking my contacts and hairband out and undressing as I went up the stairs.  And I slept hard.  Good thing I set my alarm because I had to be back at work in less than 8 hours.  Crikey! (Haha I like that word.  I wonder how it's really spelled!)  When I woke up, I just picked up my clothes as I went downstairs and put them in the laundry room.  What an unusual sight at my house; clothes all over the place.  Reminds me of a sex scene in a movie and as usual, I'd be stripping all by myself!  HA!  The joys of marriage.


Speaking of the joys of marriage, I have recently found out that my niece Pamela and her husband are split up.  Neither one of them was happy and I am so sad for them.  I love them both so much.  I wish the best for both of them and hope they both find their true happiness.  Marriage isn't easy.  Most of us know that.  Hell, what do I have to say; I have been married three times now.  I'm pretty sure I have found the pain in the ass I want to grow old and live out the rest of my life with.  Good luck to you Pamela, even though you may never read this.  I am always a phone call away and trust me, know all the feelings you're experiencing right now. 


Moving on.....here's a subject that I'm sure you've all heard about. Trayvon Martin.  Let me see........ A 17 year old man was shot in Florida.  Excuse me, a 17 year old black man was shot in Florida.  In this day and age, we HAVE to include the color of the person BECAUSE if we don't, we are racist and politically incorrect.  Bite me!  Anyway..... the fact that this happened doesn't burn my ass.  Why?  Because it's happening everywhere.  It's how the food chain as I like to call it, works.  It's life.  It's not right and it's not fair but it's life.  


Now.......here's the part that DOES burn my ass!  There's a group called OCCUPY that tends to pick up on the latest and greatest in news and "sit in" to  rebel it?  Is that the word I want here?  Protest it!  That's what I want!!  First off, my opinion on this whole OCCUPY thing is this: GET A FUCKING JOB AND DO IT.  Stop sitting on our great Capitol grounds and demand that YOU be taken care of by US simply because you're too lazy and/or too smart to go out and hunt for a job.  Yes, I say smart because there's no doubt most of these people are intelligent.  They have worked out a system to work the system.  


Seriously, when they have kids who have kids, are they going to sit down with them and tell them about how they are so proud they didn't work for X amount of months/years because they simply didn't want to?  Out of protest?  Really???  You want your generations to know what a fuck up you are?  Again, just my opinion.  I have been out of work many times and you know what I was doing when I was out of work?  I was LOOKING FOR A JOB, taking care of my home and my family AND not making myself look more like a fool than I already felt BECAUSE I didn't have a job!  


Anyway, that's why I'm sick of hearing about Trayvon Martin.  Because his death happened in Florida and it's National news.  Every damn day.  I don't know if anyone else looks around their own communities but FUCK!!!!......... this shit is happening everywhere you assholes.  Let's stop it in our communities before protesting for everyone else on this green ball of grass and water!!  When Iowa is clear of crime (shit I'll be out of a job!), I will give the go ahead to help out other states and protest for them.  How's that for a howdy do!  Think I will run for Governor!!!


And while I was coming out of my daze yesterday afternoon before going to work, I flipped on the tv (which is very out of the ordinary for me because I don't watch much of it) and there was Dr. Phil.  Just getting started.  He had a young woman on his show that had been sexually molested by her father from the age of 3, all the way until she was 11.  First and foremost, OH MY GOD THIS IS AWFUL.  Then she goes on to say that her dad needed drugs so he would sell her for tricks for his drugs.  At some point, he started duct taping her, with her legs apart, to a lazy susan and spinning it around.  Whoever she landed in front of, got to decide what to do to her.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???  This makes me want to go and hurt her dad.  Seriously.  He shouldn't be alive today.  Fucking dick.


So I have this on my mind when I go to work and what do I do when I have some downtime?  I read that damned news!  WHAT WAS I THINKING???  I see that bitch that drowned her kids in Houston several years ago, I think it was 2001, is still in a psychiatric hospital AND NOW the Doctor's think she's ok to be let out in public to attend her church.  Back it up, back it up!!  This woman took her kids and held them face down in a bathtub until they were dead BECAUSE she didn't want them going to hell!  


This woman Andrea Yates, was convicted of Capital Murder in 2002 and then in 2006 was acquitted!!  Are you fucking kidding me??  I ask you:  Who are the crazies in the world these days?  I think that if we ever have a Zombie Apocolypse, most of us should be prepared because we're USED to the crazies walking around and living amongst us everyday!!  I hope I don't get taken for a crazie but if I do, oh well.  Nice knowing ya.  I truly believe our judges and doctors are the first in line for "crazies."


She didn't want them to go to hell!  So probably the next best thing you could do for her is to: #1 let her back into society and #2 let her back into an entity that makes her think about these decisions that apparently made her kill her children.  What happens when she drowns someone in the Holy Water because she doesn't want THEM to go to hell?  Lady, I'm sorry to say this but YOU ARE HELL.  You shouldn't be here either.  There's a special place near Heaven for people like you.  I call it HELL.  Enjoy it down there.  Wear a bikini, it gets hot. 


Rest In Peace Noah (7), John (5), Paul (3), Luke (2) and Mary (6 months).  Your deaths will probably keep coming up in the news for years to come.  As your egg donor takes out more and more children.  *sigh*  The mother, by the way, makes greeting cards (Happy Birthday to you---I'd love to drown you) at this psychiatric hospital she's in and sells them at their gift shop.  The money she makes from them, goes into the Yates Memorial Childrens Fund.  I think that's bull.  She shouldn't get to donate money.  She's the reason these children didn't get to have a life.  


Her doctor's say after seven years of treatment she's "just as normal as you and I."  Ha well let's discuss THAT.  First off, who has said that I am normal?  Secondly, we need to confirm YOUR sanity doc because this decision you are making sounds pretty fucking insane to me!  May as well give her a gun permit now, too.  Don't want her to lose any of her rights.  Fucking bitch.  I should go sit on the Capitol grounds and protest this but dammit I have a job!!


Now I will move on to 12 year old Jose Gonzalez.  He is in Denver, I believe.  Spending his whole spring break "on a downtown street corner " holding a sign that says "I am a thief."  This is his punishment from his father because he took a hundred dollars from his cousin.  Wow!  The dad said this is the first time he has ever done anything like this.  Another case of "does the punishment fit the crime?"  Maybe I'm wrong, but probably not, but that seems a little steep.  What ever happened to shame and pride?  Have we lost it as Americans?  Couldn't this have been handled privately?  I mean, what about making little Jose tend a garden everyday of his spring break and pay back what he took?  What about showing him the pride he needs to have in himself and the responsibility of paying his debts.  Good thing I never had kids.  I'd be a terrible parent.  Hell, you'd probably be blogging about me right now.  Ha!  


Should I lose my job, you know where I will be folks.  Hanging out with the other unemployed OCCUPY-ANS.  I wonder how that would go.......... hmmmmmm?????


And I will close with this thought.  "Leftover" friends.  Do you have any and what does that phrase mean to you?  I'd love to hear your comments.  I actually have my own definition, so to speak, for "leftover" friends and I have "leftover" friends.  I'll get some input from others and pick up on it at a later date.  


Have a beautiful Thursday my friends.

Don't forget to.....what was I doing?

Last night it was slow at work so I thought I would get ahead of  


myself and start my next blog.  On paper.  What a concept huh?  


People using pen and paper to write their thoughts down!  Who 


woulda thunk it?!!??  

So I begin writing and this is what I ended up with:  Last night Gee 


and I were laying in bed talking and he told me a story.  His story 


became very animated and I got to laughing my ass off.  I 


remember telling him that I would have to include that story in my 


next blog.  AS I LIVE AND BREATHE, I can not remember what 


that story was.  So much for the effects of Gingko Biloba, huh?  It 


was a great story.  Just not a very memorable one.  Go figure!


And that my friends, is all I had written down on my piece of 


paper.  Well......that and an email address of a friend that I want to 


send an email to.  

All night at work I kicked myself and told myself that I really need 


to get myself back into shape.  When I got to work last night, I had 


a talk with my boss and we were discussing my diabetes and the 


fact that I had to go on insulin.  I was kinda joking around about 


it.....ok I was REALLY joking around about it and the look on his 


face mortified me.  I don't even know if I can explain it.  All I can 


say is that his look said to me "Do you really not give a shit about 


your life?"  Hence me kicking myself.  Why do I have to be such a 


damn pessimist all the time?  Why do I put myself last, health and 


all?  And more importantly, HOW THE HELL did that man 


become so important to me that his thoughts and feelings could 


motivate me???

So my plan was to come home and work out.  Even if it was only 


for 30 minutes.  I scolded myself all night and kinda kept to 


myself.  I am mad at myself.  Scratch that, I am furious!  I have 


gotten so damn lazy and I look and feel terrible!  Why, oh why do I 


do this to myself???

So I got off work at 0200 hrs and came home, changed clothes 


and began my workout.  And I am not going to lie; 30 minutes was 


all I could do last night.  I am very ashamed of myself right now.  It 


wasn't that long ago that I had started jogging.  A light jog but 


jogging all the same.  I hang my head in despair.

Anyway!!!  As I was working out, it hit me!  No, not the weights!!  


Although the one where I had to hold the weight between my 


ankles and do hamstring curls nearly injured myself.  The story!  


Gee's story!!  I remembered it.  The Ginkgo Biloba is working!!  


And here's how it goes.  


YOU ARE WARNED.  I will leave it at that.  Geezus H, I have no 


shame!

Since I am trying to incorporate healthy eating into my life more 


and more, the vegetables and salads give me awful gas.  Yes, I 


said it, GAS.  I had went to bed first and when Gee came in the 


bedroom, he made the statement that if he would need to light a 


match, we would surely blow up.  He is probably right but I'm not 


in the mood to let him know that.  -_-  Why ruin a good thing?


So he goes on to tell me that I may need to call his boss the next 


morning and tell him Gee can't make it to work.  He is having 


terrible respiratory problems.  He is on oxygen and maybe soon, 


life support.

I laughed.  I laughed a lot.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I love my 


husband and I don't want him to get sick but the thought of my gas 


putting him on life support is just plain ass silly.  (Pardon the 


expression).  I wonder if life insurance would still pay out?  I may 


have to look into that.  After all, it's a natural cause, is it not??


Ok so now that I read it, it's not as funny as it was when he told it.  


I guess it's one of those "you had to be there" moments.  

Now...what made me think of it, you might ask?  Well, as I was 


laying on the floor exercising my poor glutes, I passed gas.  Oh 


hell, who are we kidding here?  I FARTED!  I stopped what I was 


doing for a second because I was afraid I woke Gee up.  (And he 


was all the way upstairs sleeping)  Nope, it's all good.  Well, 


except for that nasty stank that was still creeping around the 


livingroom when I went to bed.  So much for giving credit to good ole


Ginkgo Biloba!!

Hehehe I wonder if the fog was still there when Gee got up for 


work this morning.  I will just tell him it was his socks.  Trust me, 


they stink.  To the HIGH Heavens, they stink!!  Just ask Kate.  We 


were at her house the other night and she thought an animal had 


died.  I had warned her early on in the evening that she WOULD 


smell his nasty socks.  She will learn to believe me.  She made 


him take them off and put them outside on the back steps until we 


were ready to leave.  Huh..............why won't he do that for me 


when we're at home???

So anyway, I have started the ball rolling (pretty clever since I was 


actually kicking my exercise ball when I was doing my leg 


exercise) and am hopefully on my way to better health and better 


physical fitness.  Now...who wants to come to my house and walk 


with me on my day shift and off days?  Come on, don't be shy.  


You are ALL welcome.  And afterward, I will make you a salad.  


So you can go home and gas your spouse out.  It'll be like our 


own club.  Instead of "eat my dust," we can be "smell my gas."  I 


don't know.  I'm all out of clever things to say.  

Here's my big problem when it comes to food.  I love it.  And when 


I say I love it, I mean if there was a way to court, marry & live 


happily ever after with it and not be sick, I would have figured it 


out by now.  Some of you have seen me eat.  It's not a pretty sight 


and you know it.  I am a member of the clean plate club.  I was 


raised to "hurry up and eat before your brothers get down here 


and eat it all."  I'm not stupid.  (I don't care what the bathroom wall 


says)  I learned to EAT.  

What I need is someone that can sit down with me (whether or not 


it's on a computer or at a table) and plan out a healthy menu.  I 


need to know exactly what I need to buy at the store and exactly 


what I need to prepare for meals.  And it has to be portable too 


because my shifts rotate; which means I eat at not so attractive 


times some days. Where, oh where is my knight in shining 


armor.....armour?  Ummmm I don't know which is correct there!

*dramatic music starts*  Carbs hate me.  I have done everything in 


my power to make them love me.  Except set them free.  It tears 


me up inside to think about that.  I love you breads.  I love you 


pastas.  Forever my undying love has been professed and yet we 


can't be together.  The fates are against us.  *drawing the back of 


my hand against my forehead*  I can't do it.  You must be the 


strong one here.  Leave me.  Make me not love you.  Make me 


hate you and not need you.  

Geezus H, could someone PLEASE just put me out of my 


misery?  I don't know if I can do this.  Honestly.  I have been a 


diabetic for about six years now.  Medicine up until this point and 


now insulin plus the medicine?!?  How do people make this 


change in their life?  *sigh*

In other news, I have made two casseroles today for a group that 


is coming to our workplace for training tomorrow morning.  French 


toast casserole and Egg Sausage casserole.  Mmmmm I can't 


wait to have some of that Egg Sausage casserole.  I love that 


stuff.  The French toast casserole is outstanding but..............I am 


just going to have will power and STAY AWAY from that stuff!  


Poison to me!  Making two big casseroles made me realize a 


couple of things.

First, I need more pans.  Bigger pans.  *jumps up with feet kicking 


my own butt (in a good way this time)* I love to shop for kitchen 


gadgets, pans, utensils and things!  LOVE IT!!  Maybe I will look 


when I go away for my weekend in Kansas City......Kansas City 


here I come.....yeah, I'm shutting up now.  Well, I'll stop singing. 


Like I said.....for now!!!

The second realization I had....well I knew this about myself BUT 


today I realized how much it really pisses me off!!  Cupboard 


doors.  They should be closed unless you are using them.  


Nothing pisses me off more than when I go into my own kitchen 


and the cupboard doors are wide open.  I shut my cupboards 


each and EVERY time I am done with it.  My own Aunt Grace 


even makes sure whenever I come to her house, her cupboard 


doors are shut.  I'M A WICKED BEAST!!  -_-

I think I have run out of things to say.  Aren't you the lucky one???  


Don't worry.  I'll be back.  And I will have even more shit you  


didn't want to know then.  Have a fantastic Tuesday.  It's beautiful 


weather here.  Hope it's the same there.  

Talbas tu pienza que yo soy loca perro no.  Yo soy no.  Hahahaha 


if you can figure that one out, you have way too much time on 


your hands because I haven't spoke Spanish in YEARS and 


haven't ever written it!  

My Favorite Monday

Hey!  Happy end of weekend!  Most people wish their weekends would last longer while I am one of the few that appreciate a good couple of days off and then am ready to get back to work.  Monday has ALWAYS been my favorite day of the week.  Always.  I feel like it's a new chance to do better than the previous week and just start anew.  I know, it's just not right.  Trust me, I get told that ALL the time.  Still..........I love Mondays, okay!


Another reason I am glad to get this weekend over with is because I have been THEE biggest bitch on the planet.  Anything and everything bothered me and I took it out on the closest person to me.  My dear husband.  I complained, nagged, pushed, prodded, yelled and just plain annoyed the hell out of him.  I think we are both exhausted from being together and just ready to move on with the week.  


I have already explained to you how he can't drive worth a shit so it will come as no surprise to you that we got into it with him behind the wheel.  It didn't help that we were in C-town.  That shit hole always makes us argue.  At least it does me.  Someone needs to reprint a book on driving that includes "jumping lanes is a bullshit and stupid thing to do and if you have a female passenger with you, you should NOT DO IT or else suffer the bloody consequences!"  And believe you me honey, the consequences were almost bloody!


At one point I told him to "let me the fuck out," through gritted teeth.  He finally sighed and pulled into a gas station.  My dear bestie Kate was too busy in her kitchen to feel sorry for me and come pick me up.  My sister Matilda was at the stupid circus.  REALLY???  A fucking circus!!  Gives me the shivers just thinking about it.  Sooooo...............since I couldn't find a fucking ride, I told him to drive and shut the fuck up.  Until we hit the edge of town and I unloaded on him.  About everything that has ever happened.  Since the beginning of time.  Like how it was HIS FAULT that bitch Eve ate the apple.  I'm sure he planted the seed to the apple tree!  Fucking men are conniving!


Poor man.  I can say that now.  I"m over my bitch spell.  I have to give him credit though.  He yelled at me too.  He NEVER does that!   I must've really gotten under his skin this time!  He said something that really really REALLY surprised the hell out of me.  He told me that I think I am ALWAYS right!  Are you fucking serious???  ME?  I like to joke but Geezus H dude!  If I had a nickel for every time I have told him "I was wrong.  You are right Gee, but don't get used to it!"  Yeah, if I had a nickel for every time I had to say that, I would have about forty five dollars!!  That's a shit ton of money in nickels dammit!


It's not my fault he's always wrong.


I like to be right.  Who am I kidding.  I fucking love to be right!  But dammit it just doesn't work out to be each and every time.  I think he accidentally admitted I'm a fucking genius.  Thanks Gee.  I love you too sweetie.  Poor man.


So anyway, at one point he asked me if I wanted to get out.  He was TIRED of listening to me scream.  Well fuck that!  Not unless it's MY idea bitch.  I said "who is going to help you get me out of this vehicle?"   He told me I had to stop my mouth then.  I did.  Closed it right up and steam came right out my nostrils and ears.  Then my hair stood on end and I just started screaming!!  Oh now that I think about it, I wonder what the cars meeting us thought!  At one point my purse and phone got thrown to the floor!  Now that's just some funny shit right there!  


"911 what's your emergency?"  "I need an ambulance out here on the highway and tell them to bring a whole lotta towels."  "Excuse me sir?"  "I just saw a lady evaporate on the side of the road."  "Did you say evaporate sir?"  "Yes ma'am I did.  She was so fucking pissed she just evaporated right here on the side of the road!"  I can just hear it now.  And imagine the headline in the newspaper.  "Amelia Bedelia evaporates on the north side of C-town."  And there wouldn't be a funeral service.  Gee would probably just put me in a bucket and pour me down the toilet.  "Have a nice swim biotch."  Poor man.  He won't know what to do when I'm dead and nobody will tell him to wipe his own ass.


So it was decided before we got out of the vehicle that if he was going to drive, I would not ride with him.  Ever.  And so it has been.  Right up until this evening.  We spent the day working with wax.  Yes wax, you read that right.  We bought this wax that is for your legs apparently because we tried it on my chin and upper lip and it just didn't do a very good job.  Gee put it on my leg and I was sure he had not only ripped ALL the skin off my leg but brought some of my muscle up with it.  GEEZUS H CHRISTMAS TREE FROM HAIRIZONA THAT HURT!!!  


So, right now I have one leg that is half waxed.  Just one leg.  That isn't happening again.  I couldn't give a rat's ass if my hair will grow unevenly from now on or even forever!  It will NEVER happen again! If you want that wax, you can have it.  I am never using it again.  Oh yeah and I may as well add that if you take the container of wax, you also get the papers that go with it as well as the stick, instructions and two beaner dogs.  Ha, thought I would just slip that one in as a bonus.  


Whoa....I got off track there!  So we decided we would take a little drive and let the dogs all go with us because they LOVE love LOVE to ride!  Before we took off and as I was putting on my seatbelt, I told Gee "I will promise not to yell about your crazy driving if you promise to just be safe."  He agreed and off we went.  We had a blast!  We even picked up some field rocks from the ditches.  I love field rocks!  They will look awesome when we finally get the back yard to look the way it's supposed to look!


So we didn't kill each other even though I'm sure at some point, we were both thinking about it.  Life is good.  At least better.  I can't wait for tomorrow.  It's M-O-N-D-A-Y (in my favorite soprano sing-song voice) and I am thrilled about it.  


On another note, my blood sugars are still high but not as high.  The shots are going well.  I actually feel better knowing I have that to help me.  My eating..........well it's a little better.  I have a lot of salads but to me, that's not realistic.  Sometimes I get so hungry I could eat my own husband's heart out.  Ha!  Don't tell HIM I said that!!


Have a beautiful Monday my friends!

It's A Dog's Life

As I sit here and ponder just what I might talk about today, my coon hound goes completely NUTSO outside!!  DOGS!!  What. The. Hell.  You can't live with them and you just can't duct tape them.  I say the same about kids, it's true.  




We have three dogs.  Two female.  One male.  One outside and two that should be outside.  Well, they are when it's nice outside.  They're too small to be out all winter long.  And the coon hound WANTS to be a house dog.  Actually a lap dog.  What she doesn't understand is that she is TOO BIG to be a lap dog!  But they're good dogs.  When they are sleeping.  And separated.  Always good when they're one on one.  Except my little male.  He's a pain in the ass all the time.  He is constantly trying to hump one of the girls and they don't go for that.  They bite him.  -_-  I like that in a female!  The ability to take care of herself.  

He doesn't really try to hump his sister very often.  I think he only does that when he gets desperate but you should see him when the coon hound is in the house.  Wait, wait, wait; I gotta back up.  The two inside dogs, as you know, are small dogs.  Small yes.  Part wiener, part beagle.  I call them beaners.  So he's a beaner and she's a coon hound.  His legs are about 6 inches long.  Her legs are about 2 feet long.  You can see why I think this is funny and don't get too excited about them actually having sex.  I truly lose it laughing when he is trying to walk beside her and humping her legs as she walks.  I wish he knew how stupid he looked!  

The coon hound likes to think she's their mother though and when she is tired of his humping, she barks at him.  LOUD.  She's not a house barker.  She only ever barks if she can't get to a rabbit, or a cat, or a squirrel.  You get it.  She's an outside barker.  Like now.  I would like to go out and rip her tongue completely out of her mouth.  Geezus H, shut the hell up!!!  Sometimes I will go out and stand at the bottom of the tree and point and say "Can't you get that squirrel?  Come on!!"  She goes I-N-S-A-N-E.  Kinda like Bertha at a shoe sale.  Or Vivian at a wine shop.  Or Kate on Ebay.  I could go on but why?


Now, speaking of my little humper, he has decided that all of a sudden he is going to mark everything in my house.  All my dining room chairs are marked.  He even marked the bottom stair (told you he only has a 6 inch leg).  Can someone P-L-E-A-S-E tell me why, all of a sudden, he started doing this???  He's two  years old and has never done this before.  Someone told me I should get him fixed.  Someone else told me I should let him eat lead.  The latter one makes me shiver.  I couldn't do that to ANY pet.  I like to threaten it, but could never do it.  


Our carpet is ruined in our living room because they are so damned smart that they take a piss in there after given a treat.  You would think THAT is when they wouldn't do it!!!  I think they think they are doing us a favor.  I'm not so pleased.  As soon as I find a home for these two little creatures, I'm going out and getting new carpet and new furniture.  That will be a happy day.  -_-  Why do they just decide to shit in my living room when they have "facilities" of their own?  They have a whole room in the basement that is just for them.  A potty place and all.  And they get to go outside when it's nice.  They love the outside!  I don't understand these stupid dogs!!  

One night, Gee went up to bed and next thing I know, he is stomping down the stairs.  He has his comforter in his hand and starts chasing the little dogs around saying "Come here you little sonovabitches.  Who pissed on my bed?  Huh?  Who did it?"  All the while, they are running behind furniture because he is running around like a crazed lunatic.  I asked him just what he thought he was going to accomplish.  His answer "I'm going to take them out in the country tomorrow and..............."  I didn't even let him finish!  "The HELL you are!  Now you listen here, you don't know WHICH dog did that and you can't punish both of them for it!  You also don't know WHEN they did it so they have probably forgotten about it by now!  And here's the important part you ASSHOLE!!  When we wet the bed as children, OUR PARENTS DIDN'T SHOOT US!!"  I wonder what our neighbor thought of THAT conversation!  There is no doubt it was heard.  Needless to say, when Gee went back to bed, I lost it laughing!!  Oh yes, I did! -_-


One day when one of them pissed in front of his chair, he got his gun out and made them look at it.  I asked him what he thought he was accomplishing.  He said "They know what I do with this thing."  I told him yes they do.  You leave the house with it and when you come home, you have a dead animal for them to play with or sniff.  THAT'S what they know you moron!  

We thought we had someone that was going to take the dogs.  A lady that lives out in the country and could take care of them.  I promised to send their dog houses and a huge bag of dog food with them but haven't heard if she's taking them or not.  I will love that lady for life if she takes the Monsters Incorporated off my hands.  And then, no more house dogs.  Ever.  We will keep the coon hound as long as she lives.  She won't go to the bathroom in the house for nothing.  She never has.  I love my dogs but I can't stand that they do this to my home.  

*sigh* It's almost time for them to be outside full time.  I love that.  Do YOU want my dogs?  Pretty please.  With sugar on top?  One of them?  You can have one.  The female has had one litter of puppies but I can't go into that right now.  It hurts me to talk about it too long.   Someday though.  I will blog about it. Anyway, I think my dog wants to go home with you. 

So I guess to me, people and their dogs are kinda like people are their kids.  I never wanted kids.  Why would I ever think I wanted a dog?  Or two?  Or three??? Somebody slap me next time!!!

As I close, the coon hound is quiet.  Laying happily on the back porch taking in the sun and the two Monsters Incorporated are laying on their blanket on the couch, watching me type.  The TV is on and they are content.  They don't particularly like silence or darkness so I try to keep something going for them.  I think I will go show 'em some love before I start on dinner.  

Di-a-beat-ya to death

I'm back!  I survived!  It's a miracle!  Hehehe how the hell you all doin tonight?  Raining cats and dogs all day today so that kinda set the mood for my whole day and it seems like it has been L-O-N-G!!  

I got a call yesterday from the doctor's office.  They got my test results back and she wanted to "see" me.  I asked the nurse what it was about; why couldn't it be done over the phone and she said "She just said she wants you to come in tomorrow."  That's a great feeling ya know.  It ranks right up there with the doctor actually calling you herself.  It makes your heart drop down into the pit of your stomach and suddenly your big intestine has grown teeth and it's gnawing away at your heart, snagging and pulling and ripping it to shreds, your heart crying, begging, screaming for someone to save it......... 

I'm pretty sure you know where I was going with that!  So they scheduled me an appointment for 9:10am today.  In my hometown.  Which is (high pitched sing-song voice here) A-W-E-S-O-M-E!!!  It's just under an hour's drive and they have another clinic 25 minutes closer BUT I love going back to visit!  I get to see people I rarely get to see and usually a baby or two!  -_-

Today I got to see my name-sake Uncle Mel (he's Mel; I'm Amelia; cute, huh?), his wife Mer (short for Esmerelda) and one of their daughters Linny.  I love visiting them!  And I haven't seen THEM in months!!  Uncle Mel looks pretty rough and today, for the first time in my life, he told me he doesn't feel good.  Pretty rough thing for me to hear considering this man always just keeps going and going and going and going.  He's like the Energizer Bunny.  It's hard to see this.  I love him so much!  He was the first guy that I wanted to marry.  

When I was young, I spent a LOT of time with him.  I hated Mer when they started dating.  She took my man.  Bitch.  He was also the first man to get me drunk.  I was five.  No joke!  I spent the day at his apartment.  I wonder what my mom was doing all that time???  I am the baby of the family and she didn't work outside the home.................well dammit now I want to know!!  Anyway, she came to get me one afternoon and I threw a fit because Uncle Mel had a watermelon in his fridge and I wanted some.  He wouldn't let me.  My mom told him to just give me the damn watermelon slice so we could go home.  So he did.  One piece led to two to three.  What Uncle Mel forgot to mention to my mom was that the watermelon was spiked.  With Vodka and who knows what else.  He forgot to mention it because my mom was married to the county Sheriff and he wasn't supposed to be drinking or even HAVE alcohol around me!! ROFL I love that story!  Moving on...............

When I got to the office, the doc hadn't made it in yet.  She was making her rounds at the nursing home.  Great thing that was and you know why?  Well, I will tell ya why!!! (I bet you're glad to have me around to fill you in on this great shit, huh?)  I got a chance to have a little discussion with the staff about how aggravated I am with this doctor because I feel like all she wants to do is push her shakes and fat people's meals on me.  I was immediately told who I need to call because they have had several people complain about it and they don't like it either.  One staff member said "Just because she is on this super diet all of a sudden, she thinks everybody needs to be on it."  

One check off my list--I know who to call about that situation so tomorrow I will do that.  Now.....I had a pretty good idea they wanted to talk to me today about my blood tests and I had already told her that it was going to be bad.  Hell, I feel awful!!  BUT, I don't like it when my doctors yell at me and  yes, they have yelled at me.  Sooooo, I took advantage of the doc being late (she was probably on the phone with someone that had a meal replacement shake and was helping them regurgitate it back up for their lunch) and said to the nurse, "Why don't YOU just have this little talk with me since I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get my ass chewed.  Let's just save her the trouble and get it over with."  She laughed (because she thinks I should have my own sitcom) and said "Do you really know your results?"  I told her that I KNOW I feel like shit and that I haven't taken care of myself since I have been out of diapers (that narrows it down to the last 3 years) so the blood tests had to be bad because well...........the only other test I had done was the titty-shuffle-squeeze and the girls have already informed me that they are good to go.  (I don't know where they think they are going (-_-)  *Side note my friends!!  Did you see that cute little fucken face I made???<-----back there???  That was PURELY by genius and accident!  Dammit I shock myself!!

I"m so excited I almost pissed myself.  See, I am regressing and am in need of diapers.  Shit!  Oh great, does anybody else see where this is going?  I can't stop!  I'm on some kind of roll.  TOILET PAPER ROLL!!  OMG OMG OMG Somebody SLAP me!!


Back to my very interesting story.  She took me back and weighed me which was a whole big stupid thing to do.  Who cares what I weigh!  (Who cares that I left them a urine sample in the bathroom with no name on it?)  Bahahahahaha I am the shits dude!  We go in and get the preliminary dance out of the way.  Blood pressure is pretty much perfect.  I have a pulse.  BUT I'm still trying to find something to keep ALL the attention off of my blood results.  Ding ding ding, my feet just start SCREAMING at me.  "I got a shot Friday in my feet and it didn't work."  Another thing to add to my list of ailments--check.  Hey it was the truth and it needs addressed.  

So doc gets there and first thing she does is show me the paper that says my mammogram is negative.  I smile and pet my girls.  This is, of course good news.  Ladies go get your titties shuffled.  You won't regret it.  She asks about my feet and checks them out.  She suggests a pain patch that I can buy at Wal-Mart and  I will tell you, they work fast.  I got them this afternoon and it's 2100 hrs and my feet don't hurt at all.  If this doesn't help it though, I have to see a foot doctor.  Oh and I have to give the tennis shoes a rest for a while. At least when at work.  She did mention the shakes (she actually asked me if she had told me about them yet) and I changed the subject quickly!

Next up, she says "We need to discuss your diabetes."  In case you readers don't know it, I'm a diabetic.  Not JUST a diabetic but a BAD diabetic.  I suck ass at taking care of myself and am on a roller coaster when it comes to my A1C levels.  I'm all over the charts.  From 6.1 to 11.1 to 8.9 to now 10.3.  They don't like you to be over 7 at all.  Hahaha oops!  I know I shouldn't laugh.  There are serious complications of diabetes.  Like I said, I don't take care of myself.  I never have.  Why would I start for this?  We decided that insulin is the next step.  The really weird thing is I have always imagined having to stick myself with a needle for this very reason.  Even before I was ever diabetic.  I used to watch my mom give my grandma her shots and always wondered if I could do it to myself.  Well guess what!!  I just reared up my shirt in the Taco Johns parking lot today and gave myself a shot in the stomach!!  It was very cool and I didn't feel one thing!!  I take a pill also but if I'm not willing to watch what I eat, one little pill can only do so much.

I got to sit and visit with a diabetes educator for a while today.  She asked me what form of exercise I do.  I said "Look at me!  If I exercised at all, I wouldn't be here!"  (I"m pretty sure she wants me to have my own sitcom as well.)  So I have info and I have tools and I have some groceries.  We will see how it goes.  The D.E. thought maybe it would be a good idea, at the end of my blogs, to add what I have eaten that day and what my blood sugar levels are.  That way, knowing others out there in the big bad world are reading it, I won't want to have a Snickers candy bar because I will have to admit it.  Trust me, if I have a Snickers, you will know about it because I LOVE THEM.   

So what do you think?  Would you tell me if you think I'm slipping?  I need all the support I can get and if I can't get it from my closest family & friends or from perfect strangers out in cyberspace, who CAN I get it from???

Your input is GREATLY appreciated on this.  It takes a village to raise an idiot so please help me grow up! -_-

You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family

Heya!  We meet again.  What would you like to chat about tonight?  I didn't really have a subject and made the mistake of asking my husband what he thought I should blog about and he thought I should give him his fifteen minutes of fame and talk about his driving.  HA!  Fifteen minutes my ass!  I could go on and on and on about his driving! So tonight's mess goes out to Gee.  The love of my entire life.  Even when I can't stand him and want to duct tape him to the rear axle of the short bus he should be riding, he makes my cold heart go pit-a-pat <3 

Gee just got his license back after being a stupid young man and playing games with the cops.  He hasn't had a license the whole time we have lived together or been married.  I have always had to do the driving.  Good weather, bad weather, sleepy or sick so I was EXCITED when he got his license back.  I had visions of sleeping in the passenger seat.....maybe even the back seat.  Lounge around, put my feet out the window and just R-E-L-A-X!!!  Finally my own chauffeur. 

I am confident I will NEVER see that day.  Let me give you a couple of examples.  We were going down the highway one day to C-town and he is driving; I am playing on my Kindle Fire.  Nice day out and I was thoroughly enjoying the ride.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Gee stands on the gas pedal.  He floors it!  For a second I thought he was having some kind of an "episode" and maybe he thought he was Jeff Gordon.  I said "What the hell are you doing?"  (Make sure you are sitting down for this because even today I can't believe he said this to me).  His reply "That sonuvabitch thinks he's going to pass me and I'm going 60mph!  That's fast enough!"  For a split second, I was sure someone was "punking" me.  I just started looking around to make sure someone was even behind us.  Sure enough there was.  He (referring to the driver behind us) was probably about as lost as I was at this point!!  I'm not even going to get into the conversation that followed.  Let's just say it started at that point and ended..................maybe the next day???  I can't really remember.  All his driving seems to be lumped into one category; no matter what day it is.  CATEGORY "OH SHIT."

Let's see.  My good friend Bertha complains about people who don't use their turn signals.  I hope she gets behind Gee some day.  He uses his signals really well.  Three quarters of a fucking mile before he plans to turn.  And then there's the whole Missouri stop that he pulls at different intervals of his cruise.  I'm not sure if he thinks because one stop sign is redder than the other, that he is allowed to roll through one stop sign and stop for the other but I can't seem to pick up on his routine of stopping or rolling. Many times when he does actually stop, he stops for a L-O-N-G time.  I like to wait until he's ready to pull away and I say "STOP!!"  Then I tell him I just saw someone in the next town pull out onto the roadway so we better wait.  He doesn't think I'm very funny when I do that.  Go figure.

Have you ever rode with someone who is constantly stepping on the gas pedal and then  immediately pulling their foot completely off of it?  I have a brother, Herc, that does that and it not only makes me anxious but it pisses me off.  At least Herc has cruise control.  He has NO reason to do that!  Gee on the other hand, just doesn't seem responsible enough to LEARN how to find the "G" spot on my car.  No cruise.  Geezus H how hard is it?  My dad always said you shouldn't get to use the cruise control until you've learned to master the gas pedal.  (I got a lot of speeding tickets when I was younger.)  Anyway, I have explained to him that it makes me anxious because every time he lets off the gas, I think there is something to be cautious about.  Maybe it's just because I'm such a perfect driver that I can't accept anything less.  I'm willing to go with that explanation.

So if you would like an adventure, I suggest you take a ride with my Gee and see for yourself if he's a crack-whore on wheels.  -_-  Just make sure you have plenty of insurance and I'll do the same!  Another thing that I should probably warn you about is that he can't seem to drive down the middle of his lane.  If he's on a highway, he will drive right on the white line.  The white line is on the right.  Right next to the shoulder.  With that deep ditch that goes straight down.  You know the one.  It has a culvert down in there.  A culvert made of cement.  Cement that hurts the face as it's smashed into it.  Jus sayin'.  And God forbid you ride with him on gravel.  He doesn't know the right side from the wrong side.  Maybe he does but he doesn't use ANY common sense.

 So I'm done talking about Gee because as I live, breathe and type this fucking blog, he is sanding and playing with a turkey call.  I told him to stop because I cannot concentrate when he is making that awful noise.  He tells me to "blog about it then."  My response to him was "Gee, they don't let people blog in prison!"

So, since I brought up Herc, I think I will chat a little about him.  He's been on my mind a lot lately.  He's kind of a sports star in our little town.  HA!  Sports star.  I like it.  I call my brother Herc, short for Hercules, because I think he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders; and looks good doing it.  From a very young age, Herc has punished himself for things that were beyond his control.  Good guy.  Great father.  


Then there's the whole husband thing.  I'm not saying he's bad at it.  Not at all.  And who am I to judge?  I'm not a whole lot better at husband picking but hey, what can I say.  He has one of those wife's that you just wanna shake the shit out of just because she woke up today.  Seriously.  You can't help but love to hate her.  I think we all have at least ONE relative like her to some extent.  Bertha has one of those relatives.  She can sympathize with me.


***Editors note:  I originally had a LONG post up that was between Bertha and myself but felt that there are just SOME things a girl needs to take to the grave with her.  Anyway, she can actually be a really great person; Ding, my brother's wife.  When you are one-on-one with her.  She will give you the shirt off her back (as long as you remember her favor and return it very very soon).  She loves her kids and tries very hard to give them everything they want.  At any cost.  ANY.  Not commendable in my eyes.  I think I have said before that kids have too many rights these days?  They also have too much stuff.  Material stuff.  Shit that's a whole new blog.  Not tonight.  Moving on.


The reason I call my brother Herc?  He's strong.  He's quiet.  He's brilliant.  He puts up with a lot of shit.  He's a good man.  Now if he could just give up a bad habit or two.....  Again, another blog.  Another day. I love my brother like he was my own.  Oh wait.................HE IS MY OWN!  It all worked out!


I will close this for now.  Gee is dying to hear what I have to say about him and his "to die for" driving abilities.  I will probably have nightmares now.  See ya on the flip side!!
     

Be careful what you ask for

Hello Hello Hello!  Welcome back to my little slice of Heaven -_-  I hope I'm ready for this one.  Although my heart is pounding and my adrenaline is pumping really really fast right right now, I just had to share this because.....well YOU KNOW this would only happen to me!  Sometimes my reactions get ahead of my thoughts and stupid stuff happens.  This could've very well been one of those times.


Anyway, here we go.  I was supposed to get together with my bestie, Kate today and we were supposed to make a game plan to "get healthier."  We were going to sit down and make dinner menus for both households for a week.  We were also going to go grocery shopping.  We were also going to make a walking schedule so we could meet each other as much as possible and walk.  Well..........Kate, if you're reading this, I think you copped out on me.  You said you didn't feel good.  Guess why you don't feel good sweetheart?  Because you are unhealthy.  As your bestie, I can tell you that honestly!  Hell I have an ailment every day.  Seriously, I do.  I try to avoid them as much as possible though.  I try to keep the upper hand on them.  Kate, you owe me big time.  I may cash in on an ice cream cone someday.  I said "may."  I didn't say I would.  Don't judge me dammit!  -_-


Excuse me, I got off track there for a second.  Would I be me if I didn't???  Anyway, so when I found out Kate didn't want me around, I texted the sis, Matilda and asked if she wanted to meet up for lunch.  Mind you, I called her at 0800 hrs. Bahahahahhaha I forgot to even ask her if she awake. 


ME:  What you doin for lunch?
HER:  Going to C-town
ME:  Well I'm free till 5 tonight
HER:  Ok where do u want to go
     Jeannie wants to go to Pizza Place lol (what's new?)
ME:  Lmao of course she does
     I don't care.  I just realized it's plenty early!
HER:  Lol Windsor's also (another restaurant)
ME:  Oh I wonder what's on their salad bar today.  I will call them later. (Yeah, I never did that) What time are you going?
HER:  Bout 11am
ME:  Ok
     That's when you are leaving or when you're gonna be there?
HER:  Leaving or can be there if u want us to
ME:  Just making sure
     
Anyway, we ate lunch.  At Pizza Place lol.  Cause Jeannie usually gets her way. -_-


After lunch, we hit the hundred dollar store.  I was too full to grocery shop.  She was too full to grocery shop.  So I told her I was just going to get the things I HAD to get.  As I'm down at the end, filling my containers with Culligan water, Matilda sees someone she knows.  This is nothing new.  I wish I knew half the people she knows.  Or maybe I don't.  It has to be a hassle to be that fricken popular.  She can have it.  I like that "bitch" label more.  So she's still talkin when I get done.  I told her I had to get some milk, cream cheese & frozen bread dough and she told me she would meet me in the "medicine area."  Yes, it's the Pharmacy.  She has a hard time speaking REAL English sometimes! -_-


I get the stuff I need (and only the stuff I need, what a shocker) and head toward the back of the hundred dollar store because I'm pretty sure I was quicker than she was.  But she isn't where I left her.  Marvelous, maybe she really did stop talking and head over there.  I stopped to see if they had any flip flops, to which the answer is a big fat fucking no.  I give up and head to the Pharmacy.  I went up & down the aisles twice, with two-five gallon jugs of water plus the other stuff I had; pushing a cart that weighed about 900 lbs and she's nowhere to be found!!  Really Matilda???  I find a bench because I am beat!  (I really got to get to exercising!)  


ME:  You lied.  You aren't in Pharmacy lol
HER:  Lol im coming (1 minute later)
ME:  Today? (3 minutes later)


Lo and behold, she came down the aisle about a minute and a half later.  What a socialite.  Bullshit.  Make me wait.  What I shoulda done was get on one of them there bicycles and took a ride around the store.  I love doing that even though the last time I did it, I almost took out an elderly lady.  That wasn't a pretty site.  I swore my love to that bike and my husband never got it for me.  Bullshit.


Again, I strayed.  Forgive me.  I know I have long blogs but dammit I like to talk!  Call me on the phone though and I won't give you anything half as long. Hahaha I'm a freak.  Anyway, we go and visit our almost ninety two year old Uncle that secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) wishes that he would be dead before his next birthday.  Too bad.  I love him and love seeing him.  He's awesome!  We leave because I have frozen bread dough in my trunk and all the way home I am afraid of opening my trunk to find a yeast monster lurking, just waiting to take over the world!!


I pull up to our home and our dog, who is normally jumping around when we pull up, is laying on the ground facing the front of the house.  I knew something was off.  I was right.  The screen was off the front bathroom window and laying on the ground, up next to the house.  The window is wide open.  The curtain has been knocked down and is in my bathtub, curtain rod and all with the curtain hanging out the window at the same time.   My first thought is this "OMG there could be a fucking bird in my house!"  I dig for my keys because today is like the first day in months I have actually locked my house.  We rarely do that because someone is always coming and going but today something told me to lock it.  


I get Gee on the phone and tell him what I see.  Told him to stay on the phone with me because I wanted AT THE LEAST, someone to HEAR that something may go down.  He was all anxious and telling me to check all the rooms, blah blah blah.  I walked in, shut the basement door (cuz if they are down there, good luck to 'em!) and proceeded to go upstairs.  All the guns were where we left them, the computers, kindle & jewelry were all in place.  


I would say that the wind took the screen off and I must've just come home at the right time because it should have blown away.  The wind was a bitch today!!  I was really looking forward to shooting someone.  That was my second thought.  Right after the bird thought.  I wouldn't shoot a bird in my house but I would've called the cops to come get it out.  But the thought that I may get to "spar" with someone on my own turf was HOT!!  I thought I was going to get the chance to beat the tar out of someone.  But NOOOOO!!!  Nobody broke into MY house!  Just the wind.  What a downer.  For reals.


On a good note, I only have to work for 3 1/2 hours tonight.  I will be doing the happy dance the whole time.  Next two days off so be looking for my "messies." 


As I close, I will say that if there are any grammatical errors, I am not fixing them today.  As I was re-reading to publish this, I heard a LOUD bang upstairs.  This time I wasn't so cocky.  I didn't take my eyes off the stairs and went outside to call Gee's best friend.  He's not home so I tell his wife what is going on.  I go to my car and get my knife (because the guns are upstairs) and head back inside.  Wow that scared the shit out of me.  I don't want to go upstairs but I can't NOT go, ya know?  Slow as I can, quiet as I can, I go upstairs with my knife handy but not in sight.  As I get to the top of the steps, the folding chair that was at the top of the stairs has fallen over and about a foot away from where it was.  One of the guns that is in it's case, is laying in the middle of the floor between the bed and the stairway.  It was hanging up when I was up there earlier.  Geezus H.  Looks like tonight our job is to move the guns around the household so I have one at all time.  Gee's firends wife showed up with her brother in law as I was upstairs.  He checked the house with me.  It took everything in me not to cry.  What a fricken baby!!  


Thanks Vivian, for having your phone handy and for having DIC waiting in the wings.  Geezus H, I need a drink.  I'm out.  If you don't hear from me by this time tomorrow, I have had a heart attack and died a long, agonizing death.  *sigh*   

What I left out

Have you ever read something you wrote and thought "Geezus H, I left the best part out?"  Hahaha well I did just that last night.  A little more humor and a little more frustration into my day yesterday.  

Here's the humor.  When I was in for X-Rays, they had me up on this table and I had to put my feet in different positions.  I get pretty proud of myself when I have to do these things 'cause for a big girl, I can sure be flexible!  This gal is out there and she's helping me get my feet in the right place and this time I have to really struggle to keep my legs right where she wants me to keep them.  She holds my feet in place and starts to back away with her hands still in place, as if they were still on my feet.  Maybe she thought she had Spidey sense and as long as she didn't take her eyes off of them, they wouldn't move.  

So anyway, I am holding them and hoping she gets back to that lever pretty quickly because it's very uncomfortable and MY DAMN FEET HURT!!  What do you think happens next?  YES!!  You guessed it!!  I farted.  Not a little silent but deadly fart but a fart that reverberated off the glass surface I was sitting on!!  GEEZUS H!!  Seriously, Amelia???  That gal never even blinked (and trust me, I looked right at her when I realized I couldn't stop it).  She just pushed that lever and came back and got her films.  THANK YOU GOD for not letting me eat anything awfully stinky the night before that.  I wanted to run.  As fast as I could.  Which isn't very fast because MY DAMN FEET HURT, but run anyway.  

 So I made it through that.  The gal walked me back to the hallway, probably praying to God that I didn't pass gas when she did my boobie squeeze.  Phew!!!  For the record, I didn't.  I was too worried about my boobies popping open!

Now for some frustration.  The "doctor" that I see isn't a doctor at all.  She's a Physician's Assistant.  I will still refer to her as my doctor because it's easier to type out.  -_-  She has ALWAYS been the best for me.  Always wanted to look into things and find the solution to my problem.  She has always been there for me 100% of the way.  Right up until the second time ago I saw her.  Did that make sense?  I just woke up, forgive me.  Over the past year, I'd say this doctor has lost over 60 lbs.  She was always heavy and then one day she wasn't.  She wasn't HUGE by any means but she was always overweight.  In my opinion, I think overweight doctors are ok because it keeps them grounded.  They realize the struggle the rest of us normal people live with.

So yesterday when she walked in, I couldn't believe how skinny she was.  I said to her "Wow, you are getting younger looking every time I see you."  She did this thing that really irked me.  She got all "girly" on me and said "Oh no, look at my hair.  My roots need done and it needs cut....."  Please bitch, shut the hell up.  I just gave you a huge compliment and that's one I don't hand out too often.  Learned my lesson in case I ever have to see her again.  She won't be my doctor though.  I'm switching to a real doctor.  A skinny doctor that has taken many years for me to love.  I love her because she was great to my momma.  *warm fuzzy feeling right now*

Let me get back on track now.  As you read yesterday; or I hope you read my blog from yesterday (or this is going to make NO sense to you!), this doctor told me that I have no fractures and my feet are "tired of carrying all my weight."  I still can't believe she told me that.  The last two times I have seen this woman, she has asked me if I would be interested in meal replacement shakes that she sells.  I told her I couldn't afford them and that I wanted to do it in a way I could live and shakes are not for me.  Unless they have ice cream in them.  Last time I had lost some weight and told her I was doing Whey Protein shakes (which I was) and she was telling me how I should make them rather than use milk, use water, blah blah blah.  Lady, if this works for me, why would you tell me to change it???

So it frustrates me that ON MY TIME with her as a Physician, she tries to sell me a product.  I have talked this over with my sister Matilda (that's her real name, don't tease) and we both agree that when my insurance is paying for this service, she shouldn't be trying to get her diggs in and making EVEN MORE money off of her clients.  Matilda told me that she does it to a lot of clients she knows, that are overweight.  So yesterday, the good doc says to me "I will just put this card in your purse so you don't lose it and you check it out on the web and then call me.  I will call you after each meal to make sure you are feeling good about what you are doing and keep track of your progress.  You probably won't ever have to take medicine again, like you are now, if you do this." Nice sell doc.

So for those of you that want to check it out, it's called "Take Shape For Life."  She is listed as a Health Coach.  And the best part is yet to come.  It's only $300 a month!  SUPER!!!  SIGN ME UP FOR THREE!!!  Why would I want a doctor that thinks I'm a fat ass to call me after every meal?  So I can tell her I'm still hungry?  And if it's so fucking good for you, why would I feel bad about it?  And now I wonder how many times I have waited in a waiting room because she is talking to one of her "other clients" about their lunch.  Bitch.

I don't believe that a person is going to live the rest of their lives on shakes to continue being healthy.  It's just not human nature.  I need to eat right.  I don't say "learn" to eat right because I know how to eat right.  I have enough books; enough literature; internet access;  I'm not stupid.  (I don't care WHAT you hear on Words with Cheats chat!!)

My impulse is to call the hospital Administration and let them know about this gal pushing her products onto her clients during business time.  I mean, if they were behind it, they would be on this business card, right?  What do you think?  How would you handle it?  Leave me a comment and let me know.  It also lets me know that I'm not the only one reading this mess!!

And there's my bloody mess for Saturday.  Remind me sometime to write about my gall bladder massacre.  That'll just tear your insides out!  I know I know, don't quit my day job.  Until next time, I will sign off with this:  Next time you go out to eat with friends, make SURE you don't eat something that is going to come back and haunt you the next day at a crucial moment.  Lesson learned.

Birds & Bees have nothing on me!

And here we are again!  Funny how we keep meeting up here.  We should watch it though.  People WILL start talking!  They always do!  And thanks, I've always wanted my own personal stalker -_-

Today's mess is brought to you by boobies & butts.  Kinda makes ya wonder if you really even wanna go any further, doesn't it?  Trust me, I understand!!

This morning I had to go to the doctor because my feet have been hurting me for over a year.  This is the 2nd time in a year that  I have complained to her about this.  It never goes away for long but I just HATE going to the doctor!!  She had me go in for X-Rays which showed no fractures so her best guess is that my feet can't bear the weight of my body.  WOW!  I know I'm overweight but really?  It's not like I just put weight on over the course of the year.  I have ALWAYS been big!  And if you don't believe me, just ask me!

Her solution was to give me cortisone shots in each side of my feet.  Again WOW!  What a weird feeling!  I have watched my bestie, Kate, have shots in her feet and always cringed at the site of that needle going in and out and in and out; and of course, like the good friend that I am, I laughed the whole time I cringed!  Wasn't that nice of me?  Kate should've been there today.  She could've laughed at me.  But I didn't flinch.....much.  Ok, the first initial pierce, I told the doctor "that hurts" and she told me to let go of her hair.  LOL not really!  I have a high pain tolerance so after that initial pierce with the needle, I was good to go.  "Let's get the second done now.  I can do this!"  I"m sure she thinks I'm some kind of freak.  I'm always telling them to stick needles in places they don't normally do it.  "Take my blood from the top of my hand today please" I said as the cute little nurse came in to suck my veins dry.  "No problem.  Wherever you want it."  She gives me a million dollar smile as I return it and say "Well then I'd prefer you took it out of her own arm."  I don't like she liked that.  Oh well, gotta give me an A for effort.  

When I went into the lab waiting room to get all my paperwork done for my X-Rays, I told the gal that I would also like to set up an appointment for a mammogram. My honest to goodness first mammogram of my life.  I truly thought I would have to wait a couple of weeks or a month.  Nope, she says to me "When you get done with X-Rays, go back to your doctor and finish up and then come back and we will get you done."  This was NOT was I was expecting.  I needed time to worry about this.  I needed to talk to the girls and tell them that someone was going to put them on a flat surface and squeeze the living shit out of them!  I knew they would be scared.  I knew they weren't going to like it.  Oh this is going to go badly.  I can just feel it!  

I have talked to many women about this lately and have been reassured that "the bigger your boobs, the less it will hurt."  I tried to reason with myself that this had to be true.  How could that many women be wrong?  I've NEVER seen that happen, EVER!!  So I go in, strip off my shirt & bra and put on a gown that doesn't begin to cover my huge fricken boobs!  What IS the point of that gown?  I just had to take it off on whatever side she was working with!  Seriously!!??!!  The lady then asks me if I have deodorant on.  Of course I have deodorant on! I just showered before I came here!!  Are you kidding me???  So just to make sure, I smell my pits.  LOL Right in front of this chick, I smell my pits.   NO FUCKING DEODORANT!!  SERIOUSLY???  I'm beat.  I'm not even gonna fight her.  I took the damn cloth and cleaned my armpits as though I really DID put deodorant on this morning.  I am so ashamed.  I hang my head in despair.  

She has me stand in front of this pretty pink machine and she grabs my boob like we are intimate.  Just help yourself lady, shit!!  That wasn't the most wonderful feeling in the world AT ALL!!  I could never be a lesbian I tell ya.  I felt like taking another shower after this was done simply because a woman touched my boobs.  She made a comment about how they usually "tag the nipple" or something to that effect.  I had a brain flash of my boobs laying on a slab in the morgue.  Dammit.  Well she didn't tag it and my nipple didn't fall off; neither did my boob although at one point, I did tell her "hurry, I think this thing is going to blow!"  I just got to where I didn't look down anymore because I didn't want to see the inside of my breast!

When it was all said and done and I was dressed, I told her "no offense but I wouldn't want your job for anything in the world............unless it was this or OB/GYN."  She thought it was funny and continued on to tell me that she didn't think she'd like it either when she first started school.  I'm sorry but if I thought I wasn't going to like what I was majoring in, I WOULDN'T HAVE PROCEEDED!!  LOL  I guess that's just how I work.  No worries ladies, I will not be grabbing your boobies for any reason.  Yucko.  Boobs are nasty.

I'm glad I survived it.  Now I get to to be snaked.  I'm not looking forward to this one at all.  I know I have to drink that shit that MAKES me shit.  That might have been the most appetizing thing I've said all day.  Geezus H!!  Let's get this over with doc.  I will know next week when they are going to schedule that.  Then I'm good until next Spring.  What a way to welcome Spring in each year.  I get squeezed and plunged to death.  

So, any and all tips on how to prepare for this expunging of the colonary debris would be great.  Do you think that a couple days before I have to drink that shit, I should eat as minimal as possible so I won't have much to get rid of? Or should I just live on soup alone?   I'm considering investing in a butt plug just to keep things out that shouldn't be in there.  Like snakes.  Geezus H!

I'm signing off.  I need to clean my boobies.  They feel creepy now.  They haven't had this much attention since that time on the tables at the Iowa State Fair.  Juuuuust kidding!  You all know I wouldn't do anything like that!!