Bright and early on Thursday morning, we say goodbye to Cindy and head for the hospital. Not much traffic so it was easy peazy getting there. The first order of business: Stand in line for about 20 minutes because there was one person in front of us getting helped by one gal that was just filling in for the day and the computer kept knocking her off. While I waited, I saw on Facebook that lots of towns were having problems with electricity so I just stood there and counted my blessings. And prayed. Prayed a lot.
Jackie got checked in and they took her in for her bloodwork. One of those blood tests being a pregnancy test. I told her the other night that it better come back negative or we were gonna have problems. Guess what? No problems!!! Hahaha didn't have a doubt in my mind though.
We got back to the pre-op room and the nurse, Joan, told us to get her undressed and then we needed to wipe her down with these warm antibacterial wipes she gave us. She stressed not to do any private areas but get the arms, legs, back, stomach and neck areas. So we proceeded to strip her down and get her wiped off. Here's where being the youngest sibling gets to be the worst because I got to do her back and legs.....because I can get on the floor and do it. That means she has her back to me. Her naked back. As I'm on my knees, wiping down her legs, I look up to Jackie's butt in my face. "Don't you dare fart." Of course she laughs and says she has to fart. I hurry up and get done and just as I get back on my feet, she lets loose. She thought that was pretty funny. So did her mom. I'll let it slide.....this time!
We got her gown on her and told her she would need to lay on the bed because Joan would be coming back and Jackie flat out refused. We had to argue with her to get her to lay down. I had never ever seen her act like that before! She was scared and as soon as we did get her in that bed, she started crying. We both hugged on her and told her how simple it was going to be. That nothing was going to happen for a while anyway and that they would just be asking her and her mom some questions and she could watch tv or she could take a nap, it didn't matter.
She hadn't slept all night....and neither had Kathy or I, so we were really hoping she would take us up on that nap idea. NO GO. Her dad, step-mom, brother, and grandma showed up and that seemed to make her feel a little better. We all took turns going in and out so everybody got to spend some time with her. At one point, when Kathy and I were the only ones in with her, I told her that if she would just take a nap, I would take one too and would rest my head on her mom's shoulder. She shot straight up in that bed and as serious as she could be, said "Stop your lying." Neither Kathy nor I knew what to think about that so we just busted out laughing!!!
Jackie's great aunt Pat came from Mapleton, Iowa to see her too. That was a real treat as Jackie just loves her aunt Pat!! Heck, after spending time with aunt Pat, I don't know how anybody couldn't love her! She's a hoot! I hope I'm as active as she is at her age! She brought Jackie the coolest socks!! I hope I am able to find some one of these days. Just little bootie socks with all the different colored cancer ribbons on them. Too darn cute!!!
Finally Jackie went in for surgery and Kathy had her chance to break down. I was so happy to see it and I didn't try to stop it either. She needed it badly!! I think the worst thing a hospital has to offer you is a waiting room. At least put some video games in there. Or a juke box. Something so you just aren't sitting there thinking the worst things possible! Who designed these things??? Maybe hospitals should assign people things to do while they're waiting. Hand them a vacuum, or a broom, or a dust rag and tell 'em to to go town. And don't stop until we call your name. I'm not saying this hospital was dirty, by any means. I'm just saying.....give us something to do. Crafts anyone???
After surgery, Kathy, Bill, Chanda and I went into the room with the doctor and he told us that Jackie got along very well. She had one big hernia, which we knew about, and then a "whole bunch" of small hernias as well. Poor girl. He got all of them fixed and they shouldn't be a problem ever again. He was able to pull the spleen out of where they fixed the hernias so she only had about 3 or 4 laproscopic incisions and 1 large vertical incisions. Very neat and very clean. He did a good job. I'll give him that. And that's about it. He said that the pathologists already had the spleen in their possession but that we probably wouldn't know anything until Monday because the next day was Friday and you know.....pathologists don't work weekends. Apparently neither do doctors.
Jackie was moved to her room shortly after going to recovery. She was awake and wanted to see her mom. We went to her room and she was sitting up just waiting for us. Looking around her room and out her window. I would be lying if I said we weren't very surprised to see her awake and sitting up. She's strong. Like her Aunt Shellie. She was up and walking the evening of her surgery so that was a great sign.
So that was Thursday. Today is Saturday. She finally got to go home today. She hasn't slept much since we got to town on that Wednesday evening. Even with all the antistetic she had, she fought sleep. That girl is more stubborn than I am and that's saying something because we all know how stubborn I can be!! Unfortunately when Jackie doesn't sleep well, neither does her mother. And when I'm around, neither do I. Apparently. I was ready for her release just so we could all go home to our own beds.
Kathy and I both had our "breakdown" times. She would go to the bathroom and I would just stop whatever I was doing and just bow my head so Jackie wouldn't see me. She doesn't understand the whole "happy cry" thing and it would worry her and confuse her. There was quite a bit of "happy cries" from us two. Happy it's over.....at least this part. We still have a ways to go. Pathologist report, doctor's visits, and then the constant watch to see if anything changes (mainly the cough).
Jackie had many visitors at the hospital and a few people called her and texted her to see how she was doing. Of course, she loved every minute of that! She got some really nice gifts brought to her. And she had the best bed in the room. I was willing to give my spleen to them for a bed by the time today rolled around. The first night I slept on the floor. The second night, in a cozy recliner. I think I love the floor thing best.
Since I had to work tonight, I couldn't stay past 1:00pm because I had to take their extra stuff to their house and drop it off so they wouldn't have a bunch of stuff to carry out when they left. By the time I had gotten to their house, they had gotten word that they could go home. Ugh! I almost called up and chewed their butts. But I didn't. Heck, I don't think I have the energy for it!
The main thing is that Jackie is home and resting. I'm sure Kathy is resting too. Or maybe she is reading in the corner...with her eyes closed. I hear she likes to do that! Hehehe
As for me...I will rest in good time. Got things to do and people to boss around before that can happen. I want to thank you for your prayers for Jackie, Kathy, Zach, the whole family. You are so appreciated in all ways. Our support system has proved to be outstanding!! I can't wait to get my "Team Jackie" shirt!!!
Until next time.....thanks for reading!!!
2013/06/29
2013/06/28
In preparation of
Wednesday finally got here. We have been waiting for it to arrive for 2 weeks now. Stressing about it; wondering about it; fretting about it. You name it...if we could think up an adverb to make us bite our nails even more, we did.
When we got to Council Bluffs, we stopped at our favorite store, the dollar tree, and I told Jackie that whatever she wanted, I would buy her. So she took off on her own journey. Right to the notebook aisle. If you know Jackie, then you know she loves notebooks, writing papers, index cards and pens. And if you know Shellie at all, you know that she gets what she needs and likes to get out. Before spending too much money.
By the time I got the stuff I wanted, Jackie had already went through check-out and paid for her own stuff. Grrr that girl is so stubborn! Wherever does she get it???
We met Cindy, Becky and Rick at Texas Roadhouse where we dined on sirloin steak and cheese fries. I even got Kathy to have a drink with me in hopes it would help her unwind and sleep a little better. Epic fail; just not on Kathy's part.
Cindy was bound and determined that we were going to sit in the hot tub at the hotel so that meant a trip to ShopKo to get swim suits for the three (I wonder which 3) that didn't bring any suits with us. Jackie was having a great time with her family but every once in a while, she would break down and cry and tell us she was scared to have her surgery. Lots of hugging and reassuring went on during these times and we were all bound and determined that we wouldn't show weakness in front of Jackie because she had too many insecurities the way it was.
Get checked into the hotel and we get to our room; them to their room and as we were getting ready to go to the pool, a small knock at the door reveals Cindy standing there...legs crossed..."I need to use your bathroom. Rick has already plugged our toilet." hahaha!!! And I must add that thirty seconds into our hotel room, Kathy and Jackie have the floor covered in new clothing tags. Geez really??? I was cleaning it before I was unpacked and it had nothing to do with the room. Just the people staying in it!!! Oh My Goodness!!!
We get to the pool and I am the first to walk in the door. I spot this guy in the hot tub. A hairy guy. With a HUUUGE.......... smile on his face. Gross. Immediately I turn to Cindy and say, "Hot guy in the hot tub." and she passes it on down the line. I wanted to make sure that the girls all thought they were about to witness some manly man-stud that would make their toes curl and their mouth water. Bahahahahahaha SURPRISE!!!
We bypass the hot tub and go straight for the pool. Cold cold cold pool. Yikes!! No sooner than we all got in there and that guy was out of the hot tub and in the pool. He made sure to stay at the other end of the pool and we are pretty sure he was watching us under water. Sicko.
Kathy, Jackie & Becky get out and head for the hot tub after just a little bit. As Kathy is going from one to the other, Cindy says to me, "Is she wearing underwear?" Mind you, Kathy just had on a pair of shorts. Lime green tight fitting shorts. I told her that she wasn't wearing underwear and Cindy says, "I'm pretty sure that guy just saw her pubes." Ooooohhhhhh the laughs we had at her expense!!!
Eventually, Cindy and Rick and myself joined them in the tub. We talked about boobs, to which Rick informed us he didn't want to know anymore about since we were referring to our own; mom's cancer doctor and what her name was, to which Cindy figured it out (90% of it) by just going through the alphabet. She thinks it's a super power. I think she's just weird. When we went back up to our rooms, we invited a young stud to share our elevator but he declined. I think Cindy scared him. Hahaha
We stayed at the Spring Hill Suites and I have to tell you, I was very impressed with their rooms. Affordable, very clean and super friendly. We had a kitchenette, a little sitting room and a huge bedroom with the bathroom and walk-in closet. I could have stayed a week. And had I known then what I know now, I wish I was staying there a week!
Jackie is one of those people that go to bed very very early. No matter what's going on, she likes to be in bed by 9pm. She is also up before the ass-crack of dawn. Sometimes that is great. Sometimes that is not so great. On this night though, Jackie wasn't going to sleep. Not for anybody. She laid in bed and tried to read and when that didn't work, she got in bed with me. We just laid there and smiled at each other. I had one ear bud in that I was listening to music through and this song came on that I have seemed to fallen in love with but didn't know who sang it. I said to Kathy and Jackie, "Who sings this song? You don't know Jack, 80 proof, on the rocks..." and Jackie says "Cindy."
The reason she figured that was the right answer is because earlier in the night, Cindy came in and sang to her. A whole bunch of songs that we learned from our parents growing up. So very very funny. Of course I jumped in on a couple of songs. I didn't really want to but I didn't want Cindy doing too much solo singing. We didn't need coyotes outside our motel!!!
Jackie seemed to be just fine until I turned around to get comfortable. What was I thinking? Then she got right out of my bed and back in with her mom! A night of tossing and turning, fruit basket upset. The last time I looked at a clock was at 12:30am and that wasn't even the last time I was awake. I was awake probably 8 times between then and 4:30am. One time I woke up and Kathy was going into the sitting room to the loveseat. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Jackie is hogging the bed."
Folks.....Jackie wasn't even IN the bed at this point. She was in the bathroom. I did point that out to Kathy and she swears that when she was in the bed, Jackie was hogging it. I offered my empty part of the bed to Jackie but Kathy wasn't having it. She was going to the loveseat. Whatever. It's your back sister. Back to sleep...or at least make the attempt.
I beat the alarm awake. Imagine that. I had it set for 4:45am and was in the shower at 4:30am. Let's get this day started. But we will save that for another blog!
When we got to Council Bluffs, we stopped at our favorite store, the dollar tree, and I told Jackie that whatever she wanted, I would buy her. So she took off on her own journey. Right to the notebook aisle. If you know Jackie, then you know she loves notebooks, writing papers, index cards and pens. And if you know Shellie at all, you know that she gets what she needs and likes to get out. Before spending too much money.
By the time I got the stuff I wanted, Jackie had already went through check-out and paid for her own stuff. Grrr that girl is so stubborn! Wherever does she get it???
We met Cindy, Becky and Rick at Texas Roadhouse where we dined on sirloin steak and cheese fries. I even got Kathy to have a drink with me in hopes it would help her unwind and sleep a little better. Epic fail; just not on Kathy's part.
Cindy was bound and determined that we were going to sit in the hot tub at the hotel so that meant a trip to ShopKo to get swim suits for the three (I wonder which 3) that didn't bring any suits with us. Jackie was having a great time with her family but every once in a while, she would break down and cry and tell us she was scared to have her surgery. Lots of hugging and reassuring went on during these times and we were all bound and determined that we wouldn't show weakness in front of Jackie because she had too many insecurities the way it was.
Get checked into the hotel and we get to our room; them to their room and as we were getting ready to go to the pool, a small knock at the door reveals Cindy standing there...legs crossed..."I need to use your bathroom. Rick has already plugged our toilet." hahaha!!! And I must add that thirty seconds into our hotel room, Kathy and Jackie have the floor covered in new clothing tags. Geez really??? I was cleaning it before I was unpacked and it had nothing to do with the room. Just the people staying in it!!! Oh My Goodness!!!
We get to the pool and I am the first to walk in the door. I spot this guy in the hot tub. A hairy guy. With a HUUUGE.......... smile on his face. Gross. Immediately I turn to Cindy and say, "Hot guy in the hot tub." and she passes it on down the line. I wanted to make sure that the girls all thought they were about to witness some manly man-stud that would make their toes curl and their mouth water. Bahahahahahaha SURPRISE!!!
We bypass the hot tub and go straight for the pool. Cold cold cold pool. Yikes!! No sooner than we all got in there and that guy was out of the hot tub and in the pool. He made sure to stay at the other end of the pool and we are pretty sure he was watching us under water. Sicko.
Kathy, Jackie & Becky get out and head for the hot tub after just a little bit. As Kathy is going from one to the other, Cindy says to me, "Is she wearing underwear?" Mind you, Kathy just had on a pair of shorts. Lime green tight fitting shorts. I told her that she wasn't wearing underwear and Cindy says, "I'm pretty sure that guy just saw her pubes." Ooooohhhhhh the laughs we had at her expense!!!
Eventually, Cindy and Rick and myself joined them in the tub. We talked about boobs, to which Rick informed us he didn't want to know anymore about since we were referring to our own; mom's cancer doctor and what her name was, to which Cindy figured it out (90% of it) by just going through the alphabet. She thinks it's a super power. I think she's just weird. When we went back up to our rooms, we invited a young stud to share our elevator but he declined. I think Cindy scared him. Hahaha
We stayed at the Spring Hill Suites and I have to tell you, I was very impressed with their rooms. Affordable, very clean and super friendly. We had a kitchenette, a little sitting room and a huge bedroom with the bathroom and walk-in closet. I could have stayed a week. And had I known then what I know now, I wish I was staying there a week!
Jackie is one of those people that go to bed very very early. No matter what's going on, she likes to be in bed by 9pm. She is also up before the ass-crack of dawn. Sometimes that is great. Sometimes that is not so great. On this night though, Jackie wasn't going to sleep. Not for anybody. She laid in bed and tried to read and when that didn't work, she got in bed with me. We just laid there and smiled at each other. I had one ear bud in that I was listening to music through and this song came on that I have seemed to fallen in love with but didn't know who sang it. I said to Kathy and Jackie, "Who sings this song? You don't know Jack, 80 proof, on the rocks..." and Jackie says "Cindy."
The reason she figured that was the right answer is because earlier in the night, Cindy came in and sang to her. A whole bunch of songs that we learned from our parents growing up. So very very funny. Of course I jumped in on a couple of songs. I didn't really want to but I didn't want Cindy doing too much solo singing. We didn't need coyotes outside our motel!!!
Jackie seemed to be just fine until I turned around to get comfortable. What was I thinking? Then she got right out of my bed and back in with her mom! A night of tossing and turning, fruit basket upset. The last time I looked at a clock was at 12:30am and that wasn't even the last time I was awake. I was awake probably 8 times between then and 4:30am. One time I woke up and Kathy was going into the sitting room to the loveseat. I asked her what she was doing and she said, "Jackie is hogging the bed."
Folks.....Jackie wasn't even IN the bed at this point. She was in the bathroom. I did point that out to Kathy and she swears that when she was in the bed, Jackie was hogging it. I offered my empty part of the bed to Jackie but Kathy wasn't having it. She was going to the loveseat. Whatever. It's your back sister. Back to sleep...or at least make the attempt.
I beat the alarm awake. Imagine that. I had it set for 4:45am and was in the shower at 4:30am. Let's get this day started. But we will save that for another blog!
2013/06/20
This is for the ones that don't get it
I think I've held my tongue long enough. I have to do this so you might want to buckle up, buckle in, and shut yer yap a moment.
Someone had the AUDACITY to make my sister feel like she isn't doing a good enough job at being a mother. I'm here to set the record straight, once and for all, that she is not only a good mother, she's an AMAZING mother and if you have something different to say about that, my sister Cindy and I are ready to take you on.
I think someone has to have a pretty empty heart and a pretty lifeless soul to actually lead a person to believe that "they didn't ask enough questions at the doctor," OR "you can't believe what the doctors tell you until AFTER the surgery because they can't be sure," OR "you're going to feel really dumb if your child doesn't have cancer and you asked people to buy shirts and/or wrist bands."
First off you miserable pieces of.......you know what I want to say.....my sister NOT ONLY asked the doctors the questions that were bothering her, BUT she asked ALL the questions that anybody else had, that couldn't be with her on those visits. NOT ONLY did she come home with all the answers we needed, she took someone with her that WROTE DOWN what the doctor said. Pretty amazing stuff, huh? Pencil and paper and a witness. Who woulda thunk it??
Second, we CAN believe what the doctors told her BECAUSE she saw not one, but TWO specialists that deal in cancer on a day-to-day basis. These doctors have also been doing this for years. They know what this stuff looks like, not us...not you.
And third, if they find out that Jackie's masses are NOT cancer, that means TWO things. First, HALLELUJAH and PRAISE GOD for He heard our prayers and our cries and beat the doctors to the punch, and second, not only will I wear my shirt but I will wear it with so much pride that I might just burst. Cancer or not, I am on Jackie's team.
It's too bad the jerkwads that like to run their mouths can't get it. Leave my sister alone if you have anything negative to say. She has enough to deal with. And yes.....if you screw with my sister, you have two more coming your way. And it won't be pretty. I just pray to God that you, your children or grandchildren ever have to go through this. As much as I can't stand you right now, I never want you to go through this.
Here are MY questions for you people that think you know more than you do:
How many times did you take Jackie to a doctor's appointment? Answer: 0
How many times did you call and say you'd like to spend time with Jackie and pick her up and actually do something with her? Answer: 0
How many times have you played "Pick Me" with Jackie? Answer: 0
How many times have you played "Red Rover" with Jackie at the cemetery when she's visiting her loved ones? Answer: 0
How many times have you laughed because Jackie wiped her spaghetti-sauce covered hands in your bitchy sister-in-law's long blonde hair? That's right ZERO!!!
And I am going to end with this question. WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD YOU BE SO CONCERNED WITH THE "WHAT IF'S" WHEN ALL WE REALLY WANT IS FOR JACKIE NOT TO HAVE LYMPHOMA AT ALL???
Ok, rant over. A year ago I would have dropped the F-Bomb about thirty times. At least. I'm learning self control.
For those of you that bought shirts and/or wristbands, I want you to know that Jackie is going to be so proud to see you wearing them. We can't thank you enough. We truly can't. Much love to each and every one of you. Well.....except the naysayers.
I was going to close with the beginning-to-end story of how this whole Lymphoma thing came about with Jackie. For those that hadn't read it. It seems her mom deleted it to see if I could remember it. Guess what sister, I can't. There are too many paragraphs and a lot of long, confusing words.
Let's just say, it started with a cough and here's where we ended up. I will keep you posted!
Someone had the AUDACITY to make my sister feel like she isn't doing a good enough job at being a mother. I'm here to set the record straight, once and for all, that she is not only a good mother, she's an AMAZING mother and if you have something different to say about that, my sister Cindy and I are ready to take you on.
I think someone has to have a pretty empty heart and a pretty lifeless soul to actually lead a person to believe that "they didn't ask enough questions at the doctor," OR "you can't believe what the doctors tell you until AFTER the surgery because they can't be sure," OR "you're going to feel really dumb if your child doesn't have cancer and you asked people to buy shirts and/or wrist bands."
First off you miserable pieces of.......you know what I want to say.....my sister NOT ONLY asked the doctors the questions that were bothering her, BUT she asked ALL the questions that anybody else had, that couldn't be with her on those visits. NOT ONLY did she come home with all the answers we needed, she took someone with her that WROTE DOWN what the doctor said. Pretty amazing stuff, huh? Pencil and paper and a witness. Who woulda thunk it??
Second, we CAN believe what the doctors told her BECAUSE she saw not one, but TWO specialists that deal in cancer on a day-to-day basis. These doctors have also been doing this for years. They know what this stuff looks like, not us...not you.
And third, if they find out that Jackie's masses are NOT cancer, that means TWO things. First, HALLELUJAH and PRAISE GOD for He heard our prayers and our cries and beat the doctors to the punch, and second, not only will I wear my shirt but I will wear it with so much pride that I might just burst. Cancer or not, I am on Jackie's team.
It's too bad the jerkwads that like to run their mouths can't get it. Leave my sister alone if you have anything negative to say. She has enough to deal with. And yes.....if you screw with my sister, you have two more coming your way. And it won't be pretty. I just pray to God that you, your children or grandchildren ever have to go through this. As much as I can't stand you right now, I never want you to go through this.
Here are MY questions for you people that think you know more than you do:
How many times did you take Jackie to a doctor's appointment? Answer: 0
How many times did you call and say you'd like to spend time with Jackie and pick her up and actually do something with her? Answer: 0
How many times have you played "Pick Me" with Jackie? Answer: 0
How many times have you played "Red Rover" with Jackie at the cemetery when she's visiting her loved ones? Answer: 0
How many times have you laughed because Jackie wiped her spaghetti-sauce covered hands in your bitchy sister-in-law's long blonde hair? That's right ZERO!!!
And I am going to end with this question. WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH WOULD YOU BE SO CONCERNED WITH THE "WHAT IF'S" WHEN ALL WE REALLY WANT IS FOR JACKIE NOT TO HAVE LYMPHOMA AT ALL???
Ok, rant over. A year ago I would have dropped the F-Bomb about thirty times. At least. I'm learning self control.
For those of you that bought shirts and/or wristbands, I want you to know that Jackie is going to be so proud to see you wearing them. We can't thank you enough. We truly can't. Much love to each and every one of you. Well.....except the naysayers.
I was going to close with the beginning-to-end story of how this whole Lymphoma thing came about with Jackie. For those that hadn't read it. It seems her mom deleted it to see if I could remember it. Guess what sister, I can't. There are too many paragraphs and a lot of long, confusing words.
Let's just say, it started with a cough and here's where we ended up. I will keep you posted!
2013/06/12
We all knew it would happen
Most of you already know about my niece Jackie. They have confirmed that she has 3 pretty good sized masses on her spleen. The biggest being 3.3cm. Doesn't seem big until you're a dirty piece of cancer. Lymphoma.
We all knew this was going to happen. The blog, not the cancer. I have to start out and say that my sister is proving to be so much stronger than I ever thought she could be. She talks to me on the phone and tells me what she found out, what she learned, who she talked to, what we need to do for Jackie...and I'm the sniveling, snorting, snotting one on the other end of the phone. But only for a little bit. When one of us starts crying, we are apologizing for it immediately...which makes us both start laughing and then we're better.
I know Kathy can't be sleeping good because I am not sleeping good. I have no clue what time I finally fell asleep last night. I worked till midnight and I had made a hair appointment for this morning (so I was pretty ticked off at that alarm clock when it went off at 06:30). Trying to make myself tired, I laid in bed and watched tv, listened to my mp3 player, made a list for every single thing under the sun, played word search on my phone, listened to ringtones on my apps, straightened out my dresser drawers.....yes, I was having a tough time getting to sleep.
My mind was on overdrive like never before. There is nothing in this world that can make me understand why Jackie.....who has NEVER hurt ONE person or thing in this world.....who loves beyond compare.....has to get cancer. The child lives with an extra chromosome, which is enough for her to deal with. It's not fair! I know, I know. Life isn't fair Shellie. When I am really struggling with something, I can't shut my mind off. I don't let it happen too often.
I know that Jackie isn't the first Down Syndrome person to get cancer and I also know that she won't be the last. But I would bet it's pretty rare. I would look it up but I'm too exhausted. I also know she isn't the first child (and yes, even though she's 23, she's a child) to get cancer. Actually, there are just too many children out there with this awful, devastating disease and that too, is not fair. I know this kind of stuff happens for a reason. But to kids??? WHY???
This morning, after I was so rudely awakened from my 15 minute interval napping session, I got ready and headed to Creston to get my hair done. I made this appointment several days ago and was afraid that if I didn't just go do it today, I would probably not get it done for a long long time. When I got there, I got checked in and sat down. A lady came over and looked at me and immediately said, "You look like you could use a cup of coffee." I would have rather just stuck my head in the pot and sucked in but figured they wouldn't appreciate that too much. I took the coffee and within seconds, it was gone. It was hot but I believe I am too numb to really feel anything.
While getting foiled and while drying, I would check Facebook messages and emails, send my responses, yada yada yada. A tear here and there. Someone would come over and ask me if everything was alright. I would nod and smile (because I can't hear a thing over those hair dryers) and go back to what I was doing.
The hair is fabulous, I have to say that. They didn't want to do what I wanted done EXACTLY but, we came to a compromise that fitted me perfectly and I was excited about. All the way home I was either looking at myself in the mirror or talking out loud so as to keep myself awake. I texted the husband and told him not to call on his lunch break because I was beyond exhausted and needed a little sleep before going to work at 4pm. I covered my bases. I'm good.
Get home and was just laying down when Kathy texts me for information for Cindy. I can't do this. I have to get some sleep. It's beyond necessity at this point. It almost feels life threatening. I lay there and toss and turn. I kept thinking about a conversation I had the night before with someone about how I would like to get Kathy alone and let her just cry her heart out; to vent; to scream. I kept thinking about how we have cried together a little bit but she hasn't really let loose and that worries me. I want her head and heart clear through this. It's important. For Jackie and for her.
I tossed and turned but finally fell asleep. Now, today's sleep wasn't just any kind of sleep. It was one of those sleeps where you JUST start having a dream and then you wake up. So I would start a dream...wake up...reposition...fall asleep...start a dream...wake up...reposition...rinse and repeat. Once in a while I would hear a text message beep at me (one being my husband who was specifically told not to call me...isn't he smart) but I had to keep my sounds on in case Kathy or Jackie would call.
In the very last dream, I remember Quintin and I were rearranging our bedroom and I told him to move the bed to another wall and as he was doing it, I saw this spider. This very big, very limber spider. I just knew it was looking at me and it started to run...FAST!!! I screamed...and don't know why because I don't scream at spiders, I freeze...but in the dream I screamed for Q to get it. He was busy moving the bed and told me he would do it in a minute. I kept screaming and screaming and that bastard spider ran right for me and jumped up on my leg and I couldn't shake him off.
I was awake. I was out of bed. And I wasn't getting back in it. My alarm wasn't supposed to go off for another 20 minutes but that was okay. I was still exhausted but that was okay. I felt like a train wreck but that was okay. I wasn't going back to dreamland because I didn't leave anything in there that I needed back.
While getting myself woke up and ready for work, I got to crying. That's when it hit me. Here I am, so focused on getting Kathy to cry...to vent...that I kept myself from doing it. I haven't even begun to let loose. So I cried. And I cried. And cried some more. Then I told myself I can't do this...even though I know it's what I NEED to do. Everytime since I cried, when I start to tear up, I tell myself that there will be time for crying when the surgery is over and Jackie is feeling better. And at the same time I'm telling myself this, that annoying, nasally voice in my head is telling me that I need to just do it. LET LOOSE. I can't do it.
I would give my life in an instant to keep Jackie safe, healthy and free from all evils of the world and beyond. I would give my life for any of my nieces or nephews.
Kathy had told me earlier in the day that she noticed Jackie was coughing more. I realized that Jackie has coughed for a long long time. My God! How long has she had this crap growing inside her?? Why weren't we watching for signs?? Why do we just assume we know the answers to everything and just because she's Jackie, that nothing else is going to happen to her?? Why can't we protect her better?? WHY WHY WHY????? I don't know how to cope with this. I really don't! I need to justify all of this in my head and I can't. I feel like a failure and a fraud. I feel like I have let her down because she is sick. And I know none of this has anything to do with me but I can't help but think I haven't loved her enough or something. I. AM. SO. FREAKING. MAD!!!
The question I keep asking myself over and over and over again is this:
Am I going to make it through this without falling off the edge?
We all knew this was going to happen. The blog, not the cancer. I have to start out and say that my sister is proving to be so much stronger than I ever thought she could be. She talks to me on the phone and tells me what she found out, what she learned, who she talked to, what we need to do for Jackie...and I'm the sniveling, snorting, snotting one on the other end of the phone. But only for a little bit. When one of us starts crying, we are apologizing for it immediately...which makes us both start laughing and then we're better.
I know Kathy can't be sleeping good because I am not sleeping good. I have no clue what time I finally fell asleep last night. I worked till midnight and I had made a hair appointment for this morning (so I was pretty ticked off at that alarm clock when it went off at 06:30). Trying to make myself tired, I laid in bed and watched tv, listened to my mp3 player, made a list for every single thing under the sun, played word search on my phone, listened to ringtones on my apps, straightened out my dresser drawers.....yes, I was having a tough time getting to sleep.
My mind was on overdrive like never before. There is nothing in this world that can make me understand why Jackie.....who has NEVER hurt ONE person or thing in this world.....who loves beyond compare.....has to get cancer. The child lives with an extra chromosome, which is enough for her to deal with. It's not fair! I know, I know. Life isn't fair Shellie. When I am really struggling with something, I can't shut my mind off. I don't let it happen too often.
I know that Jackie isn't the first Down Syndrome person to get cancer and I also know that she won't be the last. But I would bet it's pretty rare. I would look it up but I'm too exhausted. I also know she isn't the first child (and yes, even though she's 23, she's a child) to get cancer. Actually, there are just too many children out there with this awful, devastating disease and that too, is not fair. I know this kind of stuff happens for a reason. But to kids??? WHY???
This morning, after I was so rudely awakened from my 15 minute interval napping session, I got ready and headed to Creston to get my hair done. I made this appointment several days ago and was afraid that if I didn't just go do it today, I would probably not get it done for a long long time. When I got there, I got checked in and sat down. A lady came over and looked at me and immediately said, "You look like you could use a cup of coffee." I would have rather just stuck my head in the pot and sucked in but figured they wouldn't appreciate that too much. I took the coffee and within seconds, it was gone. It was hot but I believe I am too numb to really feel anything.
While getting foiled and while drying, I would check Facebook messages and emails, send my responses, yada yada yada. A tear here and there. Someone would come over and ask me if everything was alright. I would nod and smile (because I can't hear a thing over those hair dryers) and go back to what I was doing.
The hair is fabulous, I have to say that. They didn't want to do what I wanted done EXACTLY but, we came to a compromise that fitted me perfectly and I was excited about. All the way home I was either looking at myself in the mirror or talking out loud so as to keep myself awake. I texted the husband and told him not to call on his lunch break because I was beyond exhausted and needed a little sleep before going to work at 4pm. I covered my bases. I'm good.
Get home and was just laying down when Kathy texts me for information for Cindy. I can't do this. I have to get some sleep. It's beyond necessity at this point. It almost feels life threatening. I lay there and toss and turn. I kept thinking about a conversation I had the night before with someone about how I would like to get Kathy alone and let her just cry her heart out; to vent; to scream. I kept thinking about how we have cried together a little bit but she hasn't really let loose and that worries me. I want her head and heart clear through this. It's important. For Jackie and for her.
I tossed and turned but finally fell asleep. Now, today's sleep wasn't just any kind of sleep. It was one of those sleeps where you JUST start having a dream and then you wake up. So I would start a dream...wake up...reposition...fall asleep...start a dream...wake up...reposition...rinse and repeat. Once in a while I would hear a text message beep at me (one being my husband who was specifically told not to call me...isn't he smart) but I had to keep my sounds on in case Kathy or Jackie would call.
In the very last dream, I remember Quintin and I were rearranging our bedroom and I told him to move the bed to another wall and as he was doing it, I saw this spider. This very big, very limber spider. I just knew it was looking at me and it started to run...FAST!!! I screamed...and don't know why because I don't scream at spiders, I freeze...but in the dream I screamed for Q to get it. He was busy moving the bed and told me he would do it in a minute. I kept screaming and screaming and that bastard spider ran right for me and jumped up on my leg and I couldn't shake him off.
I was awake. I was out of bed. And I wasn't getting back in it. My alarm wasn't supposed to go off for another 20 minutes but that was okay. I was still exhausted but that was okay. I felt like a train wreck but that was okay. I wasn't going back to dreamland because I didn't leave anything in there that I needed back.
While getting myself woke up and ready for work, I got to crying. That's when it hit me. Here I am, so focused on getting Kathy to cry...to vent...that I kept myself from doing it. I haven't even begun to let loose. So I cried. And I cried. And cried some more. Then I told myself I can't do this...even though I know it's what I NEED to do. Everytime since I cried, when I start to tear up, I tell myself that there will be time for crying when the surgery is over and Jackie is feeling better. And at the same time I'm telling myself this, that annoying, nasally voice in my head is telling me that I need to just do it. LET LOOSE. I can't do it.
I would give my life in an instant to keep Jackie safe, healthy and free from all evils of the world and beyond. I would give my life for any of my nieces or nephews.
Kathy had told me earlier in the day that she noticed Jackie was coughing more. I realized that Jackie has coughed for a long long time. My God! How long has she had this crap growing inside her?? Why weren't we watching for signs?? Why do we just assume we know the answers to everything and just because she's Jackie, that nothing else is going to happen to her?? Why can't we protect her better?? WHY WHY WHY????? I don't know how to cope with this. I really don't! I need to justify all of this in my head and I can't. I feel like a failure and a fraud. I feel like I have let her down because she is sick. And I know none of this has anything to do with me but I can't help but think I haven't loved her enough or something. I. AM. SO. FREAKING. MAD!!!
The question I keep asking myself over and over and over again is this:
Am I going to make it through this without falling off the edge?
2013/06/08
The Second Gift
In the middle of the night, last night, I woke up and a thought came to mind....."The Gift." Apparently it's time I put some info out. I don't have all of it but what I have, I will give you.
For those of you that don't know, I started a project last year called "The Gift." Me, along with some helpers...made cookies, donated platters, ingredients, money, scrapbooking, and delivery services, to help bring a smile to someone's face. And we did it.....to one hundred people's faces. It was an amazing project and I can't wait to do it again.
Before I list the things that we are going to need.....that I can think of right now.....I want to tell you what I need from you.....my reader, first and foremost. I would love to do two hundred platters this year. We don't have to have that many but I would LOVE it if we did. I don't know why. I just think two hundred is a good number of smiles to pass along.
REMEMBER: I need an address with the name. Please don't assume that I know where someone lives simply because they have lived in that home for 80 years. I'm human. I make mistakes. AND, I forget who some people are if I haven't seen them in 40 years. Sorry, it's a flaw in the genetics.
First...I need names. I will take names from now until November 1st. If you don't have it to me by then...there's a slim to none chance it's going to get delivered. Here are the ways you can get me the name(s)/addresses:
#1) send me a private Facebook message.
#2) call me on my cell. My number is on my Facebook info.
#3) text my cell.
#4) email me at in_boos_world@hotmail.com OR simplyshellie1@gmail.com.
#5) tell me in person.
#6) write me a letter.
#7) any other way you can think to get me the information. I'm not good at smoke signals but will do my best!
The next thing I need you to add WITH the name & address is WHY you think this person(s) is deserving of a platter full of smiles. There is no right or wrong answer here. It doesn't matter why you want them to have a platter...I would just like to tell them why. And if you don't have a reason...that's okay too! Maybe it's just because someone has a great personality/attitude/outlook. But IF you have a reason, please share.
I live in Fontanelle, Iowa. I will drive up to 100 miles to deliver a platter, if you want me to. If you want me to tell you when I am delivering it, I can do that too. If you want to deliver it, we can do that as well. And if you want your name on the tag, we will accomodate that. Hey, I'm flexible.
I have a few people that have already asked if they can make some of the things for the platters. I have someone wanting to make some fudge. I have someone wanting to make cookies. I have someone wanting to donate some platters. I can always use more! If you want to help out...let me know! The more the merrier. BUT...let me assure you of one thing...just because you say you will make some cookies...doesn't mean that I am holding you to making a hundred dozen or anything crazy like that. What I am asking is this: "Hey, I would be glad to donate a few dozen (or a batch) sugar cookies." Now...if you WANT to make several dozen of one thing (or several), that is awesome too. Not expected, but appreciated more than you can imagine.
I just think that the more people that we get involved in this project, the more smiles we are bringing to our world. And who doesn't need smiles in this day and age???
Here's a "tentative" list of what I am planning. And remember...this list will be added to. And it could be changed at any given moment. I'm a wild child like that. -_-
Cookies:
Sugar (both decorated & not decorated)
Chocolate Chip
Cathedral Windows
Peanut Blossoms
Peanut Butter
Oatmeal
Oatmeal Raisin
Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
Oatmeal nut
Snickerdoodles
Scotcheroos
Gingerbread
Monster
Any other suggestions are welcome
Breads:
Muffins
Loaf of bread
Banana bread
Any other suggestions welcome
Candy:
Chocolate Fudge
Peanut Butter Fudge
Any other suggestions are welcome BUT I don't do a whole lot with making candy so if you want to make something, I will love you long time!
Bars:
Pumpkin Bars
Raisin Bars
Rice Krispy Treats
Cherry Bars
Apple Bars
Brownies
Any other suggestions welcome
And now....for those wanting to donate ingredients.....I don't know how much of what, I am going to need. What I can do at this point, is tell you what I know for sure I will need. Just the products though; not the amounts.
Flour Sugar Baking Soda Baking Powder
Chocolate Chips Chocolate Syrup Oatmeal Butter/Margine/Oleo
Walnuts Peanut Butter Milk Frosting
Powdered Sugar Marshmallows Vanilla Butterscotch Chips
Apple/Cherry Pie Fillings Rice Krispies Marshmallow Creme
Cocoa Dried Fruit Hershey's Kisses M&M's
Cinnamon Raisins
So there we go. Like I said, things will change but these are what I am 90% sure WILL be on the platters. Let's get to planning people! One last thing.....if a bunch of us want to get together this winter and do some baking, say for a whole day, I can get us hooked up with a bigger kitchen. I have to have willing participants though. I'm not going to make arrangements to have a group and nobody show up! How fun would that be???
Let me know!!!
For those of you that don't know, I started a project last year called "The Gift." Me, along with some helpers...made cookies, donated platters, ingredients, money, scrapbooking, and delivery services, to help bring a smile to someone's face. And we did it.....to one hundred people's faces. It was an amazing project and I can't wait to do it again.
Before I list the things that we are going to need.....that I can think of right now.....I want to tell you what I need from you.....my reader, first and foremost. I would love to do two hundred platters this year. We don't have to have that many but I would LOVE it if we did. I don't know why. I just think two hundred is a good number of smiles to pass along.
REMEMBER: I need an address with the name. Please don't assume that I know where someone lives simply because they have lived in that home for 80 years. I'm human. I make mistakes. AND, I forget who some people are if I haven't seen them in 40 years. Sorry, it's a flaw in the genetics.
First...I need names. I will take names from now until November 1st. If you don't have it to me by then...there's a slim to none chance it's going to get delivered. Here are the ways you can get me the name(s)/addresses:
#1) send me a private Facebook message.
#2) call me on my cell. My number is on my Facebook info.
#3) text my cell.
#4) email me at in_boos_world@hotmail.com OR simplyshellie1@gmail.com.
#5) tell me in person.
#6) write me a letter.
#7) any other way you can think to get me the information. I'm not good at smoke signals but will do my best!
The next thing I need you to add WITH the name & address is WHY you think this person(s) is deserving of a platter full of smiles. There is no right or wrong answer here. It doesn't matter why you want them to have a platter...I would just like to tell them why. And if you don't have a reason...that's okay too! Maybe it's just because someone has a great personality/attitude/outlook. But IF you have a reason, please share.
I live in Fontanelle, Iowa. I will drive up to 100 miles to deliver a platter, if you want me to. If you want me to tell you when I am delivering it, I can do that too. If you want to deliver it, we can do that as well. And if you want your name on the tag, we will accomodate that. Hey, I'm flexible.
I have a few people that have already asked if they can make some of the things for the platters. I have someone wanting to make some fudge. I have someone wanting to make cookies. I have someone wanting to donate some platters. I can always use more! If you want to help out...let me know! The more the merrier. BUT...let me assure you of one thing...just because you say you will make some cookies...doesn't mean that I am holding you to making a hundred dozen or anything crazy like that. What I am asking is this: "Hey, I would be glad to donate a few dozen (or a batch) sugar cookies." Now...if you WANT to make several dozen of one thing (or several), that is awesome too. Not expected, but appreciated more than you can imagine.
I just think that the more people that we get involved in this project, the more smiles we are bringing to our world. And who doesn't need smiles in this day and age???
Here's a "tentative" list of what I am planning. And remember...this list will be added to. And it could be changed at any given moment. I'm a wild child like that. -_-
Cookies:
Sugar (both decorated & not decorated)
Chocolate Chip
Cathedral Windows
Peanut Blossoms
Peanut Butter
Oatmeal
Oatmeal Raisin
Oatmeal Chocolate Chip
Oatmeal nut
Snickerdoodles
Scotcheroos
Gingerbread
Monster
Any other suggestions are welcome
Breads:
Muffins
Loaf of bread
Banana bread
Any other suggestions welcome
Candy:
Chocolate Fudge
Peanut Butter Fudge
Any other suggestions are welcome BUT I don't do a whole lot with making candy so if you want to make something, I will love you long time!
Bars:
Pumpkin Bars
Raisin Bars
Rice Krispy Treats
Cherry Bars
Apple Bars
Brownies
Any other suggestions welcome
And now....for those wanting to donate ingredients.....I don't know how much of what, I am going to need. What I can do at this point, is tell you what I know for sure I will need. Just the products though; not the amounts.
Flour Sugar Baking Soda Baking Powder
Chocolate Chips Chocolate Syrup Oatmeal Butter/Margine/Oleo
Walnuts Peanut Butter Milk Frosting
Powdered Sugar Marshmallows Vanilla Butterscotch Chips
Apple/Cherry Pie Fillings Rice Krispies Marshmallow Creme
Cocoa Dried Fruit Hershey's Kisses M&M's
Cinnamon Raisins
So there we go. Like I said, things will change but these are what I am 90% sure WILL be on the platters. Let's get to planning people! One last thing.....if a bunch of us want to get together this winter and do some baking, say for a whole day, I can get us hooked up with a bigger kitchen. I have to have willing participants though. I'm not going to make arrangements to have a group and nobody show up! How fun would that be???
Let me know!!!
2013/06/06
Dana calls it short and sweet
It's amazing to me how I can be getting ready for work or just starting my day and can think of a dozen different things that either annoy me, make me happy or just plain confuse me...and I tell myself each and every time that I am going to mention it in a blog...just to forget each and every one of those things, when I sit down to type. It's just not fair.
Last Sunday we had Bella for the day. Poor little girl got sick all over my dining room and bathroom floor. And if that wasn't enough, she vomited a worm up. Yes...a worm. Poor girl. We grabbed the worm, grabbed the dad, and headed off to the ER. An examination and a prescription and we are on our way...back to Flickerville. Fed her some lunch and she was ready for a nap. And I mean SHE was ready. Laid her down to change her diaper and she went right to sleep. And stayed that way for 4 hours.
When she woke up though, she was feeling so much better. So we went for a ride and cruised around Wal-Mart, getting a few groceries and just taking a walk. She seemed to enjoy it. She has ear infection and bronchitis as well, so she's snotty...which is a whole issue with me. Snot makes me want to vomit. And I learned something about my husband that day. When someone vomits a worm, he gags and almost pukes. I think that is funny. Give me vomit all day long...I don't care what's in it...as long as it isn't snot. I offered to get the worm picked up and put into a baggie but he wouldn't have it. He wanted me to clean up the vomit and the child. Hahaha makes me giggle.
Next week Miss Bella goes to have tubes in her ears. I hope that helps. I know it won't do anything for the bronchitis but at least it should give her some relief for her ears. Anyway...it had been far too long that I had gotten to spend any time with my little girl Bella and my heart ached for her so I was going to spend time with her, sick or not. And so we did.
So on Monday, my husband comes down with a cold. He blames Bella. I told him it wasn't nice to blame the baby and he says to me, "Do you know anyone else that is sick?" Rude. I told him to start immediately on the Mucinex. And to wash his hands a lot. And not to kiss me. Or breathe my way. I figured this was a no-brainer. But he doesn't like to wash his hands like he should. He tried to kiss me at least three times. Sat on the couch next to me once.
He did, however, take the Mucinex...while grumbling that it doesn't help him. On Wednesday, I woke with a minor sore throat. I was cursing my husband, as you can imagine. I took some Mucinex as well because I could feel a lot of drainage and sneezed twice. The last thing I have time for, in the summer, is a cold. Woke up this morning and feel like $999,999.00. Almost a million dollars. Not too shabby, eh?
Of course it doesn't help that I work in an icebox and walk outside to 60-80 degree temps. And I'm not complaining either. About the outside. I love those temps. It's the inside freezing that I can't stand. But I guess it's better than being hot. Too bad it's just so extreme most of the time.
A little shout out this morning to my girl Dana. She is so funny today. She's having issues with this guy...I like to call "the jerk." She seriously needs to move on and find a guy that likes her for her...respects her...wants to show his affection toward her...in private AND in public...and treats her right...ALL the time...so that she can do the same for him. She is a 20-something though and they know everything. They don't take advice. *sigh*
I think I will just go over and smack her upside the head. Not sure if it will do anything for her but it might make me feel better about the whole situation. Hehehe
Last Sunday we had Bella for the day. Poor little girl got sick all over my dining room and bathroom floor. And if that wasn't enough, she vomited a worm up. Yes...a worm. Poor girl. We grabbed the worm, grabbed the dad, and headed off to the ER. An examination and a prescription and we are on our way...back to Flickerville. Fed her some lunch and she was ready for a nap. And I mean SHE was ready. Laid her down to change her diaper and she went right to sleep. And stayed that way for 4 hours.
When she woke up though, she was feeling so much better. So we went for a ride and cruised around Wal-Mart, getting a few groceries and just taking a walk. She seemed to enjoy it. She has ear infection and bronchitis as well, so she's snotty...which is a whole issue with me. Snot makes me want to vomit. And I learned something about my husband that day. When someone vomits a worm, he gags and almost pukes. I think that is funny. Give me vomit all day long...I don't care what's in it...as long as it isn't snot. I offered to get the worm picked up and put into a baggie but he wouldn't have it. He wanted me to clean up the vomit and the child. Hahaha makes me giggle.
Next week Miss Bella goes to have tubes in her ears. I hope that helps. I know it won't do anything for the bronchitis but at least it should give her some relief for her ears. Anyway...it had been far too long that I had gotten to spend any time with my little girl Bella and my heart ached for her so I was going to spend time with her, sick or not. And so we did.
So on Monday, my husband comes down with a cold. He blames Bella. I told him it wasn't nice to blame the baby and he says to me, "Do you know anyone else that is sick?" Rude. I told him to start immediately on the Mucinex. And to wash his hands a lot. And not to kiss me. Or breathe my way. I figured this was a no-brainer. But he doesn't like to wash his hands like he should. He tried to kiss me at least three times. Sat on the couch next to me once.
He did, however, take the Mucinex...while grumbling that it doesn't help him. On Wednesday, I woke with a minor sore throat. I was cursing my husband, as you can imagine. I took some Mucinex as well because I could feel a lot of drainage and sneezed twice. The last thing I have time for, in the summer, is a cold. Woke up this morning and feel like $999,999.00. Almost a million dollars. Not too shabby, eh?
Of course it doesn't help that I work in an icebox and walk outside to 60-80 degree temps. And I'm not complaining either. About the outside. I love those temps. It's the inside freezing that I can't stand. But I guess it's better than being hot. Too bad it's just so extreme most of the time.
A little shout out this morning to my girl Dana. She is so funny today. She's having issues with this guy...I like to call "the jerk." She seriously needs to move on and find a guy that likes her for her...respects her...wants to show his affection toward her...in private AND in public...and treats her right...ALL the time...so that she can do the same for him. She is a 20-something though and they know everything. They don't take advice. *sigh*
I think I will just go over and smack her upside the head. Not sure if it will do anything for her but it might make me feel better about the whole situation. Hehehe
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