2016/12/26

On the 43rd day

**LONG POST** It is needed for me. It is where I let myself go and will be my reminder.

Monday, November 14th - Monday, December 26th, 2016. I couldn't feel more like a failure if I had intentionally tried.

*For 42 days, I have tracked (most) everything that I have eaten and drank, the good and the bad (there was a lot of bad) with the exception of my coffee.  On a positive note, I have tracked 120 days consecutively.
*For 42 days, I have reminded myself that this is what it is truly all about. Building up better and better after each time I feel I have failed myself.
*For 42 days, I have told myself that everybody goes through this.
*For 42 days, I have went to sleep thinking “When I wake up, it's going to be THAT DAY that I get back to ME.”
*For 42 days, I have lied to myself. I have let myself down. I am truly disappointed in myself.

Today is a new day and not a new me but I am going back to the me I was before. The me I always want to be and the me I need to be. There is nothing more disheartening for me than to feel tired. I am not one of those people that need oodles of sleep (until lately). I'm just not. I run on adrenaline and laughter!! I seemed to have buried it under a load of carbs and sweets so I am going to need just a little time to dig it back out! Bear with me!

On Christmas Eve, a friend stopped by to drop off some Christmas presents and I had no choice but to let her in. I didn't really want to but I did. You see, the reason I didn't want to let her in was because I had completely just stopped doing much of anything. I'm sure my mom has rolled over in her grave so many times, the bottom has worn out of her casket! I don't dust (mainly because our house is still under construction), and I have stuff just laying around simply because I am too dang tired at the end of the day to do anything about it. AND this is the first time this friend had ever been in my house! Talk about anxiety!!! So she came in and visited and then wanted a tour of the house. So I gave her the tour of the ugly, dirty, hap-hazard house. I was dying inside because I was so embarrassed. I found myself apologizing for everything, including the fact that my bed wasn't made! Geez!! She just laughed it off of course and said “You are under construction! Who cares your house isn't in order!” Yeah, I love her.

After she was gone, I just sat there and thought about things. I thought about all the why's and all the excuses I have come up with and the next thing you know, I was up and going. Three rooms totally deep cleaned and re-arranged (a little bit). While I was cleaning, I came across two very, very important things that I had let get out of my sight.  
My "plans," and my folder that contains so many of my different workouts!!  Finding these were like reuniting with an old friend or seeing a long, lost family member. I honestly almost started crying.

I would also like to add this: A few weeks prior, I had went shopping with my sisters and when they dropped me off, one of them came in to use the bathroom. I literally cried when she left because I was so ashamed and embarrassed at how I let myself and my house go! Again, my mother is spinning fervently. (I would like to interject with this: Literally as I typed that last sentence, the song “Tiny Bubbles” came on the tv. That song was my mom's absolute favorite song and was played at her funeral while we all blew bubbles. What kind of timing is that???) And this is all a direct result of how I felt on the inside. The sugar and the bad carbs were ruling my world. They were holding me down (literally) and keeping me from doing the things I liked to do! I started feeling really bad about myself. Wearing clothes that are not flattering at all. Sweat pants...while I love them for casual...I started to love them for everyday because it wore me out to try on pair after pair of jeans that were starting to get tighter and tighter.  And my memory!!!  Oh man, I couldn't remember if I had opened my eyes that day without looking in the mirror!!

Why is the easier road the one we always want to take? Why, when we know we are going to regret it in the end, do we make the unhealthy choices? Why do bad carbs have to exist??? Why is it that once we start exercising,we feel amazing and don't want to stop but to get to that point takes an act of Congress?

My Deputy and I have made another pact to not let each other go back to this point. Of course, he...the workout freak that I long to be, isn't even CLOSE to the bad side like I am. His bulking up may have consisted of lots of winter meals and candy filled stockings...mainly by me because he's my BFF and we both love to eat but the difference is that he works out like a boss! So where he hasn't necessarily gained weight, I have gained enough for the both of us. (6 lbs to be exact, since the last challenge!) He is great inspiration for me and I try to be for him as well but he has a pretty good regime that he follows whereas I do not.

In less than a week, my new workout room that my husband built for me, will be ready to use. It won't be close to finished, but it will be ready to use and that's okay with me.  By this, I mean the sheet rock may not be up yet but the plug ins will be installed and I can't wait to get back on my treadmill.  Right there is one of my excuses....my room isn't ready and all my equipment is piled up in the corner and I can't get it out. I have equipment at work I can use...but obviously I am not doing it.

Thank God for Rhonda, checking in on me and making sure I'm okay and giving me pointers and advice. She told me I'm a motivator...and I've been told that before...but I don't feel like I can motivate anybody if I can't keep myself motivated. Again I shall be trying. I have been interested in the Beach Body challenges and have been checking things out. January is such a hard financial month for us. We all have “those months” that are worse than others. I guess I start my year out hard and then go downhill from there. Ha! So I am going to hold off on that for right now but want to thank everybody for all the information they have shared.

Rhonda, Lorna, Salena, Nikki, and Jodi...I want you all to know that you gals are what keeps me coming back everyday to read and re-read. Your posts stick in my brain and pop up at the most unusual times. I just wish I hadn't stopped ACTING on your posts when it comes to following along! I find myself reading sometimes and think “Where the hell are they finding this energy; this motivation; this crazy that I want to always have a piece of???” Joan, you have even posted recently and all I could do was smile!!! I hope you haven't given up on me, friend. I miss our talks and our walks. If you notice at the bottom of that one notebook pic I posted, go on a real hike in 2017 was the ONLY accomplishment I had down but I have since added "I will reach that goal weight!" and I hope you are right beside me when I reach my goals!


To everybody in this group, please, please, PLEASE help me be accountable. Help me stay on track. And if I can help you out, let me know and I will do my best! Now I know how the puppy feels when she's naughty. My tail is between my legs so to speak!!  And speaking of puppy, I apologize for how long this is.  I knew if I moved, she was going to shorten her nap!  

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