My Inner Struggles

For all that is rough and rocky, here I am. Can't get to sleep tonight and on those nights when I can get to sleep at a decent time, I can't stay asleep. This is actually the second time I have started a blog tonight. The first attempt let me get several paragraphs into it before it shut me out and didn't save anything I had typed. That's what I get for trying to blog on my phone I guess. Back to the living room.

For many months I have had so many health issues that I'm just tired of them now. I have done my best not to harp on them because what good does that do me? None. Just deal with it and move on. Since Thanksgiving, I have had the weirdest stuff go on. I'm not going to go into detail on most of those things but 2 rounds of hives that made me want to tear my skin off, a bladder infection that made me fear my whole inside was about to explode and slide right out of my body, body aches in places that shouldn't be achy, and it has all led up to those lousy kidney stones! And the stomach aches! Ugh, let's talk about those stupid things. Is that normal to have with kidney stones??? The sudden urge to regurgitate all you've eaten the past 24 hours? I have yet to actually vomit but it's been close.

No need to announce it I guess but these little stones are painful. And I consider this one very little. 1.75 cm. I have had stones in the past but they have always been so small that I would never know when they pass but this one they said wasn't coming out without some assistance. My sister had one a year or two ago and it was 10 cm. So she is probably going to tell me to shut up a lot when we go to the city for my procedure. Hahaha yeah, she's going to say that! I also expect to hear “Glad it's you,” because she has already told me this at least twice. Thanks for the support sister! I will suffer in silence as much as possible just for her sake. When she went in for her procedure, she asked if she could have the rocks when they were done so she could re-gravel her driveway. Funny but terrifying all the same.

These past couple of months, I have tried to just drink, drink, drink but nothing helps. I have tried medicine after medicine with no relief whatsoever. I'm done paying for meds that don't do anything to help me. Soon this little issue will be taken care of and it will be on to the next thing. Bring. It. On.

I am a side sleeper and I sleep on my right side which is funny to me, since I'm left handed. Maybe I do that so my dominant hand is ready to reach out and slap someone. I don't know. For a little bit each night that I am lucky enough to sleep in my bed, I fear my husband may just get it for doing nothing at all. It could happen. You never know. Anyway, this damned kidney stone is on my right side so sleeping on the right has been pure evil. The flank pain is on my left side though which again, makes no sense to me but whatever. It makes it almost impossible to sleep on that side too. It is just recently that I can't lay on my right side for very long without waking up in pain so life is a little challenging these days. And if that isn't bad enough, needing to pee multiple times a night and not being very successful in that, doesn't help. So, I feel like I'm always tired.

Apparently not tired enough to go to sleep, stay asleep, or even sleep through the pain. I can't wait for this crap to be over and done with.

So for hours and hours a day, I get to think about things. Things that make me sad; things that made me mad; things that I need to get done; things that we have already gotten done/ trying to find solutions to my current problems. And just like that, pain creeps forth and almost doubles me over. Seriously, no rhyme or reason to this! I keep trying to find a position or a way to help get some relief but nothing works.

My favorite part of this is when I go out in public and it hits me. The other day, while shopping with my sister, right smack in the middle of Gordman's I just stopped and doubled over. It doesn't relieve my pain to double over but when your body says you are going to bend at a ninety degree angle, you do it! My sister...she's so funny. She just kept walking, thinking I was right behind her, just chatting away; and she finally realizes I'm not there and turns around and says “Oh, what you doing?” Don't mind me sis, I'm just trying to pass a kidney stone in one of these purses hanging here.

The other day, in the restroom at Menards, me thinking I was the only one in there, I let out a loud gasp and followed up with a terrible moan. (It hurts, okay??) And if that's not bad enough, I have picked up this weird breathing pattern when I go potty. It has to sound something like a woman going through contractions! “she she phew...she she phew.” That's what it sounds like. Anyway, that's when I found out this particular day that I wasn't alone. Who says you can't make yourself blush??? I can only imagine what that poor woman thought was going on in the stall 2 doors down from her. I didn't stick around to find out either. I got the hell out of there. Seriously dumb! I check all stalls now when I'm in a public restroom just to save myself the embarrassment.

I keep telling myself that almost everyone goes through this at some point. Just deal with it and move on. You aren't going to die, Shellie. STOP BEING A BABY! I tell myself that there are so many other things that could be going on; worse things, so don't make a big deal out of this. And this little furbaby of ours, she wants to be with me all the time. Like now for instance. She could be upstairs in bed, taking over my little area she allows me to sleep on but no, she is asleep right beside me in the chair, dreaming away. She's funny. Her ears are going crazy and she must be running in her sleep because her little paws are tapping away at my leg. Probably chasing a squirrel again. She does help keep me calm though because when she's on my lap, I am extra careful not to disturb her even if that means I have to ignore myself as long as I possibly can. I mean, it isn't 100% effective with pain control but it helps. So I guess she is my medicine! Cute little turd anyway.

We are getting ready to start moving some big stuff to the country house. It won't be long and we will be living there full-time. I'm ready. I just wonder how long it is going to take me to get more of this stuff packed up and moved before the actual moving day! Yes, I'm one of those people. Move all the small stuff that I can live without now so it's out of the way for the big day. I'm ready to get that kitchen finished up and unpack everything that I can. I just need some warmer days, some less painful days, and patience. Anybody got any of those things laying around? Yeah, me neither!

So that's how things are going for me. Getting older is proving to be a lot of fun. November will be the big 50 for me. Most days I feel like I'm fresh out of high school still and then there are days like today where I feel like that big 5-0 hit long ago and knocked the life out of me and left me for dead.

This too shall pass. I'm just really anxious for it to pass. Quite literally.