I can't stop keeping track

A wise woman once told me that it isn't right for friends to "keep track."  The reason she told me this is because I was very out-of-sorts about some friends that didn't seem to do anything with me unless I came to them. 

I was also more than a little peeved at the fact most of these friends didn't call or text me unless they were in need of something.  There was never a call to say "Hey, just wanted to catch up with you."  or "Do you wanna hang out today?"  Well...not unless I did the calling or texting.  So that's when I got this good advice. 

It isn't right for friends to keep track. 

It has probably been two years or more since she told me this and it has worked like a charm.  It didn't seem to bother me anymore.  Funny how that works. 

Well, for the past couple of weeks, that feeling is back.  So here's where I need you to step in and help me get a grasp on the situation.  I don't have any reference of late, to give you.  Only the past.  Because life has been so busy that I haven't had time to "keep track." 

What I'm wondering is, if I'm feeling guilty because I'm not spending time with the people I want to spend time with.  At least not all of them.  Here we go.....................

This could bring a rant on, so don't say you weren't warned.

I try to go home and visit all of my family and friends whenever I can.  Sometimes though, I can only visit for a few hours.  I get a lot of pressure put on me from a lot of people...both family and friends...about why I don't make time to come see them.  I think this is why I don't go back very often anymore.  I am exhausted when I leave.  I feel as though I have been pulled in too many directions. 

I try to visit my sisters as much as possible.  I'm a little ashamed to say that my sister Kathy has brand new carpet in her home and I haven't been there to see it.  The last time I was there, she had just gotten her home sided and new windows installed.  But I haven't been there since she got the carpet.  We've went on a road trip and been to the city together...but I haven't seen that carpet yet.  Geesh, I'm such a jackass! 

When I visit Cindy, it's usually at her place of work because those are the hours I'm off work.  And it gives us time to ourselves, to discuss anything and everything without anybody else around.  And it's usually so few and far between that I do get to spend any amount of time with her, I feel guilty if I don't stay longer than 30 minutes.  *sigh*

I have nieces that I am dying to see again.  I haven't seen them for close to a year now.  It hurts my heart and soul.  But I have to abide by the rules of the home.  I have great nephews that I need to stop in and see because that's the only time I DO see them.  I always have this fear that they will forget who I am.  I hope that day never comes.

I have aunts and uncles that I need to desperately go and see but I feel like I have so much going on, that working around MY schedule is too much and working around THEIR schedules are almost impossible.  Almost. 

I have a dear high school classmate that I want to spend some time with and can't ever find it in my schedule to just fit a day in. 

I see some patterns here, how about you?  A lot of talk about schedules and time.  Ugh, if only I could rent some more time somewhere. 

Has the question of "How does keeping track of friends and you needing more time, have anything to do with each other?" came to your mind yet?  Have you wondered just what in the name of black socks and khakis, am I talking about???

I think I'm keeping track.  Because as far as I can come up with...and I'm not trying to be mean...is that when I go see these people, it's ME doing the traveling...the calling...the texting.  It's ME asking how THEY are doing.  And then it's ME that gets the guilt trip when we finally do get together. 

"I've been waiting for you to call me or stop by."
"We thought you were mad at us.   You came to town and didn't come see us."
"When are you coming to see me?"
"How long has it been since you've been here?"

So I guess this is where the rant comes in.  I will try not to throw anything large or intrusive at you.  You might want to cover yourself though. 

Why do "I" have to do the calling all the time? 
Don't you EVER wonder how I am doing?
Do you care? 
Doesn't YOUR phone call out the same as mine? 
Haven't you learned to use that text feature on your phone yet, seriously? 
Have you lost your driver's license? 
Do you need a map of Iowa? 

Up until a few months ago, I was the picture of entertaining.  I loved having the people I love, in our home; cooking for them, playing cards or board games with them, hanging out just watching a movie or even doing nothing at all.  I have always loved having people in my home. 

But nobody wants to come there anymore.  And that's fine.  I refuse to beg anyone to come see me.  But then I hope those people understand when I don't want to come see them anymore either.  And I feel like that's what I need to do. I have been saying this for a while but now I believe it's time to act. 

I keep relating it to this sound old advice, "If your husband won't pick his dirty clothes up and at least rinse his plate off after dinner, leave that stuff lay.  He will get to it eventually because he will get tired of looking at it too." 

Guess what, that doesn't work.  It just makes for more work in the end.

I'm at the point where I don't care if anybody ever wants to do anything with me again.  Maybe that's what I need.  A break. And I don't mean you Kathy.  I saw that sneer you just gave me. 

Last year we had our staycation at our home and had a lot of fun.  So much fun, in fact, that several people wanted us to host another one.  And I wanted to do that so bad!  And while I don't want to point fingers here, I am going to point fingers. 

I will start out with my friend Mick.  He came from Minnesota and was going to do it again this year.  He posed the question very early in the year, could I please set a date early so that everybody could plan for it and do what they needed to do?, etc. etc.  And so I did.  I think it was back in February when we set the date for Labor Day weekend. 

Honestly I thought that was a no-brainer.  I thought 6 months in advance was some damn good planning on my part.  After all, I have to ask for it off from work as well.  And I did.  WELL IN ADVANCE. 

The group of us that were there last year decided that we wanted to extend the invitation to others.  Maybe some that had commented on our pictures and said they wished they had been invited.  Or maybe just friends that we wanted included.  It doesn't matter WHY they were invited, they were just invited because someone wanted them there. 

So a page was created and many were invited.  There were some that knew (that far) in advance, they wouldn't be able to make it.  No biggie.  There were some that said they might make it but never got back to me on it.  Okay, I expected that. 

The two groups of people that really got to me though were the group of people that ASKED to be invited.  The ones that saw the pictures from last year and said, "I really need this time away. Can I come to your staycation?"  Seriously, don't use the word staycation in a sentence to me if you're not actually going to COME TO IT!!  And then, let's not forget that small group that kept saying "I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun."  And then top it off (close to the last minute, I might add) with, I don't know if my boss will let me have it off. 

ARE YOU FOREVER KIDDING ME??? 

Staycation is not only cancelled but I won't host another one.  Ungrateful little.......

There was no way I was going to let Mick drive down here from Minnesota (I don't care if it was on a motorcyle and it's cheaper) just to have to spend our time sitting around waiting on someone else to finally arrive. 

I've had it with people and I need a damn mental health break.  THIS is when I start "keeping track of" my friends and take stock in who really does want to spend time with me and put them up against that list of people that only want to spend time with me in spirit.  I don't know.  I give up. 

Right or wrong, I am stepping away for a while.  Look out, I may step backward and step right on you.  And it will probably hurt.  I will apologize in advance for the pain...but not for my actions.

My break is consisting of spending time with only a few people.  Outside of that, please don't ask me to come to your house (I don't want to).  Please don't ask if you can come to mine (I don't want you there).  I don't want to come to your baby showers, your kids' birthdays and not even a girls night out. 

Feel free to tell me how I shouldn't have hurt feelers and that I'm wrong.  It's ok, I can take it.  After all, I'm a big girl and am responsible for my own actions.

*sigh* 

Thanks for reading.  I'm going to be taking a break from publishing my blogs for a while because I feel like I am going to "infect" someone.  I have a couple that are almost done, that I will post in the next couple of days.  After that, the only people that are going to be able to read them, are those that have subscribed to them. 

Enjoy your night.