Living life's lessons

I have deleted my Facebook account, my Pinterest account, and my Vine account so far.  I wonder who...or what...is next to be slashed from my life.  It has been two days and I figured I would be "jones-ing" for a Facebook fix, but to my amazement, I am not.  I like this stepping away thing.  I love that nobody knows...or probably doesn't even care...where I'm at or what I'm doing now.  For all the people that I truly know, that live in this area, I don't have to worry about anybody caring if I wave at them when we meet on the roadway.  Come see them at work.  Call them.  Visit them in their home.  Or even KNOW them.  Ever.  Ahhh it's a beautiful thing. 

I have learned some very big lessons this past week.  One of them being:

When you think you've found that special someone that you can trust in.....chances are, they are going to betray your trust, your respect, and anything else that they can betray...at some point in your relationship.  Mind you, I did not say they would.  I say there are chances.  But I guess it's that way in any relationship, huh?  Chances.  I guess I knew that though.  It's just frightening that you can put all your trust in someone, just to have them forget you exist. 

How the hell does that happen???  And why do I keep trusting ANYONE???

Another thing I have learned this past week is:

Just because you've put all your time, effort, heart and soul into a relationship, doesn't mean that the other person is as vested as you are.  As I type this, I see how you could think I am talking about the same people and situations here, but I am not.  I have learned valuable insight this week friends.  Because you "simply" rearrange your life for another human being  doesn't mean they HAVE to be appreciative, supportive, or caring toward you.  And it doesn't mean they WANT you around. 

But what about those people that WANT you around for the times when it's convenient for them?  Like, for example's sake, what about someone who wants to do the shopping trips, the road trips, the vacations...all with you...but when it comes to the real heartstrings of life... the times when they are at their lowest, or need to just let loose, or for some reason, really and truly need someone to depend on...you get overlooked.  How are you supposed to make sense of that?  You're good enough for the fun things in life but not even considered for the tough stuff.

Why must people be so heartless and mean?

As I read that last line, I literally laughed right out loud!  Heartless and mean.  I have been described using those very words, yet I am wondering why people are like that.  For years, I have laughed at the thought of someone being mean to me.  Almost as if I didn't care how anyone talked...or reacted to me. 

And here comes that other life lesson that slapped me in the face this week.

Be adult enough, proud enough, and big enough...to say you are sorry.  And be sincere about it.  Grow up.  I don't care what your momma told you; or your nanny; or your big brothers and sisters.  Y9u ARENT any better than anybody else.  Get over yourself. 

Even if it is the teeniest, tiniest, wee morsel...to some extent, we all care about what others think.  If we didn't, why would we buy the same clothes that our friends wear?  Why would we buy vehicles big enough to carry our friends?  Why would we post anything...and I mean anything...on Facebook, Twitter, or any other social networking site? 

I'll tell you why.  Because even when we think we don't care what others think, we make funny posts so that people will smile or laugh...and like us for that side.  Or we make rude, hurtful remarks so that people will know we are somewhat of a badass...or at least a wanna-be badass...and proceed with caution.  We DO so that others REACT. 

So my lesson here is that reactions shouldn't be what I want out of others.  I want unconditional friendship.  I want unconditional love.  I want fruitful relationships with those that want the same thing.  I want friendships to grow. 

Someday I am going to die and the last thing I want is for someone to show up at my funeral and say that they remember me being mean and hurtful.  That I didn't give enough.  That I didn't do enough.  That I didn't love enough. 

I am trying to think back at different parts of my life to try and remember if there is anyone I need to apologize to.  I don't want to die knowing I was a big enough jerk to not give someone a second chance.  Or a third chance.  Or a fourth.  However many chances it takes.  

With that being said, if I have ever wronged you and you think I owe you an apology, please let me know.  It won't be a public apology.  I'm done with everyone knowing my complete business.  But I promise you, it will be heartfelt and sincere.  And I would hope that if I have a side to the story, you are willing to listen to it.  What you do with it from there is your business. 

It's none of your business what other people think of you. 

You see, it's not always physical pain that hurts your heart.  Sometimes...and probably more often than we like to admit...it's the emotional stuff we deal with on a daily basis that hurts more. 

I have found myself in a place where I feel like I am starting to purely hate people and that is not like me.  I have never had hate in my heart and I don't want it to grow now.  That's why I'm stepping away.  I'm done trying to be anyone's friend.  I'm done trying to be anyone's confidante.  I'm done trying to glue stuff back together that I have no control over.  

I'm going to be me for now.  Just Shellie.  I am going to be a little more selfish about what I want from life.  I will no longer change MY schedule around for anyone else.  If it doesn't work on my time, so be it.  If that makes you angry, I'm sorry.  There's your apology up front.  I can no longer put those ahead, that won't do it for me. 

Until next time...thanks for reading.  I hope the next one is a little more upbeat.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.  And I need all the readers I can get.