There was a boy

There once was a boy.  And I was so in love with him that he came before every person on this earth.  This boy is very close to my heart even though I have not seen or talked to him since he was probably 2 years old.  He is now 15 years old and I have recently friended him on Facebook and STILL haven't gotten the nerve up to actually "talk" to him.  

I just shake my head at myself sometimes and wonder what is going on in this big empty head of mine.

During my first marriage, through some really good friends, my then-husband Carlos, and myself, became acquainted with a young gal named Lenni.  She was so nice and so beautiful and had just given birth to a little boy named Esteban.  Of course, you know me.  I fell in love with him the moment I laid eyes on him.  

I will have to dig some pictures out and post them one of these days.  

Over the course of the couple years we kept in touch, we would go to Dodge City, KS and pick up little Esteban and bring him back to Iowa for a visit and so his momma could have a break and do her own things.  Sometimes for a week or two, at a time.  We thoroughly enjoyed having them in our lives and never ever got tired of having him...or his beautiful momma, around.  

As with many long-distance relationships, we eventually lost touch with each other and life took it's own turns for all of us. 

Obviously, Carlos and I divorced.  Lenni married along the way and I believe has a little family now that keeps her busy.  

I saw her on a mutual friend's Facebook, so I sent her a friend request.  I figured the worst she could do was ignore it, right?  But she didn't!  She accepted and even remembered me!  That really made my day.  It made my heart happy to know that she was "reachable" again.  Even if Facebook is the only way we would ever correspond, I am thankful for that.

Of course, I had lost count of how many years it had been since we had seen her and Esteban and she shared several pictures with me, of him.  Current pictures, that just about made me cry to see.  

He's a teenager and still as beautiful as he was the day I first laid eyes on him.  Upon seeing him "grown up," I was flooded with memories of having a birthday party for him in our old house in Gravity.  Ashley, Lindsay and some of their friends came.  My mom was there.  Cindy came.  I can't remember who all showed up but I know we had a lot of fun that day.  Esteban had the time of his life.  We had cake and he got lots of presents.

Of course, we didn't have that celebration ON his 1st birthday.  I believe we had it the weekend before because we took him back for his actual birthday day party in Dodge City.  We had taken him and purchased a white satin shorts tuxedo for his baptism...that just never happened, for whatever reasons.  And he was a growing baby boy so he didn't stay in that little tux for very long!  But it was sure cute on him.

I loved taking him and showing him off to anybody and everybody.  He was a happy baby that smiled a lot and played well by himself.  And smart!  He picked up on E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!

So back to present day...

I wanted to send him a friend request on Facebook but didn't want to come off as a crazy, desperate woman lurking on young, innocent boys.  Well...at least not crazier than what I really am! -_-  I asked his mom if she thought he would add me and she thought I was silly, of course.  She told me to send it and see what happens.  If he had any questions, she would tell him who I was...if he hadn't figured it out. 

So I did it.  I closed my eyes and clicked "send friend request."  And it wasn't long and he had accepted.  Oh the happy in my heart was amazing.  It's funny...just when you think you can't be any happier about finding someone again...your heart can swell even bigger and prouder than before...when they accept to be your friend.

Yes, I understand this is just Facebook.  But this is huge.  At least for me.  This little guy...this young man...holds so many special memories for me.  So many tears I have cried for the heartaches he and his mother have had to endure in life.  So much pride that he has turned out to be a responsible young man that values the important things in life.  Like his momma.  And his whole family.  

Guess what?  I haven't had the courage to even send him a message yet.  I don't know if I would even know where to start.  What to say.  I mean...without sounding like a crazed, desperate stalker woman!  He hasn't said anything to me either.  I wonder who he thinks I am.  I wonder if he knows the love that I have always held for him.

Sometimes I will just go to his Facebook page and look at his pictures.  I think a little part of me does it out of guilt because I feel like I let him, and his mother, down.  

I should have kept in touch.  I should have been helping them out along the way.  Along the whole way.  Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I should try to make up for what I have missed out on but how can I really do that?  

What am I supposed to say to this kid?  

I'm sorry?

Let's start over?  Is that even possible, really?

I can't help but mentally kick myself over and over for letting the time and the distance get in the way.  

Why wasn't I trying to keep in contact with these people that obviously meant so much to me?

Why do we let relationships fail?  Why do we, as people, let distance decide how involved we are going to be in someone's lives?  Or am I the only one that does this???

I haven't yet told Quintin about Esteban, but plan to this weekend.  I am going to get the photo books out and show him this baby boy that I fell in love with so long ago and that I have "found" again.  Knowing Q, he will tell me to go with my heart and do what I feel I have to do.  

I wish I knew what that was.  Any suggestions?

Until next time...thanks for reading and Happy Spring!!!