Watch Yourself

Well...........I am a royal ass.  Plain and simple.  There is no way around it.  But hey, at least I can admit it, right?

I read something the other day about how you can tell a woman all day long how beautiful she is; how smart she is; how she really has this whole "life-thing" figured out;  And her self-esteem will explode within her, giving her a shine like she's never felt before.  And I believe this to be 150% true.  And you can tell the same gal the same stuff over and over for days and she will smile, maybe say thanks but probably something along the lines of "yeah right."  Some women have an awful time taking compliments.

I know because I am one of them.  And I don't know why because I have so many people in my life that build me up. 

In this article though, they went on to say how you can build this woman up with words and one person can come along and say one thing negative and that is what she is going to concentrate on.  That one dark, unimportant piece of venom.  And there goes her shine.  She has forgotten all that beautiful, wonderful, amazing stuff that you had been telling her all day; all week.  In the blink of an eye, that woman can't get past the bad.

WHY???

It seems lately that someone is always congratulating me on my weight loss and my reply is, almost every time, "I'm getting there."  Not "Thanks!  It hasn't been easy....yada yada *happy face* *smiles*...yada yada it's really been worth the effort."  Nope, I most often greet it with something condescending to myself and in a downward spiral.

I have an awesome friend that is constantly telling me how good I look; how cute I am dressed or she likes the way my hair looks on that day and I am consistent with replies such as "It would be better if I had done my hair this way," or "I hate this shirt."  Again, there is no "Thanks chic!"  ALTHOUGH, I will say that I always reply with something about how good she looks or I love her outfit that day because well........she's hotter than a bag of jalapeno peppers, in my opinion.

One night one of my deputies and I were talking on the phone and I said something like "Thanks, I appreciate that."  We were talking about some information that he had given me.  He follows that up with "And hey, I appreciate you."  Now kids.....what is the correct reply to this?  Say it with me... "Thank you!"  Easy for me to put here but not so easy when it's being said to me.  MY reply was "What do you want?"  He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want anything except to tell me that he really does appreciate me and he wanted me to know.  That was months ago and I hold it close to my heart.  It meant so much to me to hear it.  

As a general rule, I think we should ALL tell at least one person a day that we appreciate them.  

Now, here is where "being a girl" seems to mess this whole thing up for me.  

Let me first start off by saying that my night deputies aren't like family to me.  They are more than family to me.  I would do anything for them, their wives, their kids.  They would be the first ones I would call if I ever felt threatened, scared, or sad.  For any reason.  They are the ones that get to see me at my best and at my worst.  And they also get to see my best go to worst in a matter of minutes.  And I get to see them at their best and worst as well. It isn't always pretty.  

So recently, someone had the audacity to say some things to me that weren't really mean or bad, okay, they were mean...and I guess bad... but I truly believe they were...are...trying to sabotage my friendships with these guys.  Out of all the things said to me, one sentence has stuck in my head.  ONE SENTENCE.  "You are a good dispatcher but you are DELUSIONAL if you think those boys are your friends."  There were other things that led up to this one particular sentence and things that followed and the more I seemed to fight this person with words, the more venom they had to spew.  Venom wrapped up in a prettier package of course.  They were very articulate in how they chose their words and it didn't take long for me to just sit back and listen to everything they had to say.  I have taken many days to sort it all out and the same questions resurface each and every time.

WHY do we (and I think girls are more apt to do this than boys) have such a hard time taking compliments over and over but accept the negative seed so quickly, and let it take bloom?  
WHY couldn't I just focus on the "You are a good dispatcher" part of the sentence and throw the rest out with the trash?  
WHY do people say things to people to get them to see things that aren't really there?  
WHY would a person feel the need to sabotage someone else's friendship, for any reason?  
WHY do people want to tear other people down?

Why the hell would I believe anything remotely close to this when these deputies have done NOTHING BUT be my friends.  They probably know me better than some of my siblings.  They have proven over and over, without a doubt, that they appreciate me.  I know this to be fact.  But then that little seed got dropped in the dirt and there it went...

And the thing that makes this even funnier (not funnier haha but funnier hmmm) is that the person that tried...or is trying, I haven't decided yet... to rip two very important people from my life...has always had a place in my life.  Well tonight I was rude; I was mean; And I shut out one of those important people when I should have said "Look, we need to talk."  I was mad at myself for letting this BS get to me and in the process, pushed away my friend; my favorite deputy of all time; my "go to;" my BFF!!!  And guess what happened.  He treated me just exactly the way I had treated him.  And I didn't like that at all.  (Lesson learned, I hope!)  That's when I knew I had to talk to him.

And guess what folks....sit down because you aren't going to believe this but.....there is someone else on this earth that is more stubborn than me.  I know.  I know it's hard to believe but yep, he's out there.  Don't screw with him.  That is your warning.  

He didn't want to hear it.  He was so mad at me for turning on him the way that I did, that he did not want to talk to me.  Even when I HAD to call him, he didn't want to answer me; but he did.    So I waited a while.

Now, the good thing about being a dispatcher is that he has to answer my phone calls.  Granted, he could have just as easily hung up on me when he heard what I wanted to say to him but luckily for me, he didn't.  I told him I wanted him to just hear me out because if he had went home and I didn't get to say I was sorry, I would have spent the night vomiting.  So...I made my apologies.  I explained all I was willing to explain and I told him that although I can't promise this stupidity will never happen again, I will do my best for it not to.  

And I thank my lucky stars that he listened.  And I thank God that it was worked out.  And I pray that I will NEVER let anything like that happen ever again.  

Would it be mean to say that I hate people right now?  Not all people.  Just those that feel the need to interfere for no apparent reason than to fill up their day.  

Okay, I feel better.  I still have my friend and I got this off my chest.  Life is good.