I went to a birthday party and someone asked me if I have Social Anxiety Disorder simply because I sat "away" from the crowd. And that made me laugh. After all, I haven't found one person that will agree with the fact that I really was a shy little kid growing up so what makes anyone think I get anxiety from people?! I was shy... (but it's just a sad fact that nobody will have my back on this little tidbit of information about my past) whether anyone believes me or not. In all seriousness, I like to think I'm a pretty social person but then again, people do tend to irritate me.
Anyway, I recently had an interesting conversation with a dear friend that told me that she loves the idea of going and doing things with her friends and then after making that commitment, gets an almost sick feeling in her stomach because she doesn't want to follow through with it. Our day away was actually one of those times she felt that way but she forced herself to follow through, work through, and enjoy herself. Funny thing is that I went through that exact same thing. Each of us about cancelled on the other but we didn't and we ended up having one of the best days together!! So many laughs and personal talks. I wouldn't trade that day for anything!
I wonder though, why we let our anxiety get to us like that? When we know in our heart of hearts, that we want to spend time with people or a particular person, why do we let that feeling of "oh boy" get to us?
I have another friend that always tells me she loves the fact that I am not afraid to do anything and not afraid of anything (there is a short list of things I'm afraid of, as we all know) and she wishes she could be more like me. The real truth of the matter is this: I am terrified at least once a day about how someone is going to perceive me or look at me. But I refuse to let that keep me hostage in my own body; in my own home; or my own world. I force myself to work through it. At least once a day and some days, many times a day; depending on the situations.
But, on the other side of things.....I am not confident enough (for lack of a better term) with myself to go to a movie alone. I tried that recently and lost my ticket right before the movie was to start. If that wasn't a sign from God, I don't know what is! I am also not confident enough to go to a restaurant and eat a meal by myself. When a friend of mine (who is freakishly weird about doing both of the above) asked me why I can't do that, it all boils down to how people would perceive me. Oh Lord, we have had this conversation too many times to count.
"Why does it matter what people think of you?"
I don't have an answer. As much as I can tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, it does matter. I don't want to be that weirdo that has no friends to go out in public with. Wait...I think I already am that weirdo. -_- I guess it's easier to penalize myself and stay home simply because my friends have different schedules than I do. Sounds stupid, yes; but that's the way it goes.
Where the hell was I going with all of this? Someone needs to step in and tie this all together.
I have a friend that lives in Kansas City and she and I have had some wild and crazy times. I haven't seen her for years. Maybe.....12 years. I feel the need to see her; to visit her and get to know her again; to refresh my soul and rekindle anything our friendship may have lost. And as much as I want to see her, the anxiety it brings out in me about makes me cancel the trip. But I won't. And I won't let myself think too much about going because I don't want to stress myself out about it. I will work through this. And I am excited to see her again. I can't wait to see her beautiful smile and meet her amazing kids. Girl, if you are reading this.....I will be there and we will have the time of our lives.
Does any of this make sense? Does anyone feel the same sense of "people freak me out but I love them" like I do? Does anyone else have to mentally force themselves to do public things? Time to step up and live outside the box. What's the worst that can happen?
Just a short tidbit about nothing, really. Just thinking with my fingers again. Until next time.....have a beautiful day and thanks for reading!
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