2016/07/24

My heart keeps breaking for Budha


The day you left me was hard enough
but what comes after is almost unbearable
for me and for my heart;
I swore I would never go through this again but
looking back, I wouldn't trade one single day of it;

I find it hard to sleep at night
without you curled behind my knees
I find myself reaching for you;
WE find ourselves reaching for you
only to find each others hands and console each other;

I wake up a lot
and you're the first thing on my mind
I need to let you outside to potty
but you're not there;
you're not at the door waiting for me;

And even when I needed to potty
you were always there so I wouldn't be alone;
paws on my thighs while I rubbed your neck
I'd say I love you and you'd lick my chin
then you'd lay down on the rug and wait;

When I come home from work
you are no longer waiting for me at the window;
you aren't there to greet me at the door
doing your circus-dog dance
ready to give kisses and give hugs;

I had to choose another blanket
to curl up with in my chair;
Yours is wrapped around your little body
and I miss it; I miss the feel
I miss the smell; I miss the baby that always laid on top of it;

I look for you when I'm in the shower
to lick water underneath the curtain;
It breaks my heart to think
that I am never going to see you do that again
and I want a new routine;

While filling my glass with ice today
a cube or two hit the floor
but I knew you would come running
to eat them right up like you do;
you loved the ice as much as any other treat;

Something as simple as making a meal
or making a snack has become heart breaking for me;
I look for you to be doing your dance
with that twinkle in your eye just begging me
to drop a piece of food;

I miss your bark
that incredibly horrendous wail;
It was so hard to put up with it
but I would give anything to have it back
to have you back;

When I got ready to come back home
after a few days away;
I couldn't wait to see you and hug you
and then it hit me that I never will be able to again
and it leaves a cold, black hole in my heart.

I'm not sure I will ever be able to dispose of your things;
your toys, your leash, your food and water dishes, even your meds;
If they're here, you are here with me and
I don't ever want to lose that feeling;
Ever;

Annie still searches the house for you
her best friend and brother;
She gets agitated and frustrated
but she knows
she knows that you no longer hurt;

Little Budha you brought me more love
than you will ever know;
Daddy, Annie and I will always keep you
in our hearts, in our minds, and in our prayers;
Until me meet again..on that rainbow bridge, my love.


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