Found myself back here because I can't seem to make heads nor tails of anything anymore. I must be stressed out because I have that nagging stomach ache again that won't go away. No matter what I do. No matter what I try. It's there and from what I have learned in the past two years, it won't go away until I face what is bothering me.
So, what is bothering me? That's the question of the hour. Let's break it down...
I love my job. I love almost every single aspect of it. Almost. Of course, there are ALWAYS going to be people...or at least a person...that you struggle with in some way. That's life. I have no problem with that. Sometimes you're the asshole and sometimes you have to work with the asshole. So, it's not my job that stresses me out but there are a few that I have noticed make it very hard for me to return some days. I must find a way to work that out. My weekend away can not come soon enough.
I spoke with a friend the other day and she told me that she noticed a "decline" in me...in my behavior...after the two police officers from Des Moines/Urbandale were shot. Anybody that knows me also knows that it did hit too close to home and I will admit that I took it personally without even knowing those two gentlemen. My friend thinks that maybe I am afraid for my guys now. I'm not so sure that is the case exactly. I do agree with her that I changed on the inside the night those officers were ambushed but I do not think I fear for my guys to such an extent that I want to withdraw from the human race because of it. As awful as that probably sounded to you, most of you will get it. When I send my guys to a call, I do what I need to do to keep in constant contact with them and try to get as much info for them as I can before they walk into anything. At least I hope I do. These guys are my friends. I think they would let me know if I was doing it wrong. I have 100% faith in my guys.
I have to literally force myself to work out now. It used to be such a routine thing for me to do and now I don't care. I don't want to do it. I do but I do not enjoy it like I used to. I still track my eating (6 months of logging foods in the books!) and I am constantly telling myself to get off my ass and get back to it. But I hate it. I don't want to hate it. I want to love it again. I want to be passionate about it. I read a Facebook memory a while back where I was apologizing to all my friends for blowing them off while I was getting healthy. What happened to THAT girl? What happened to that mindset?? I will very soon be starting a month-long health challenge and to be totally honest, I am terrified. Scared to let myself down yet another time. Scared I won't hold myself accountable. Or maybe I'm just tired. Shit, I don't know. I have lost my ambition, determination AND my motivation! Can someone please help me find them???
Here's a big one. Time with my sisters. Do you know that me and my sisters did not get together for a Christmas? We couldn't seem to make it work and that bums me out. I do not see my sisters near enough...and lately that's on me more than it is on them (well, except for the one that just went to Florida and didn't take me). On one hand, what I wouldn't give to just spend a whole day with them and do nothing; but on the other hand, it's so hard to make it work that it's just easier to send a text message. There's the drive to wherever; there's the drive home; I gotta put a bra on. Wow. Never thought I would see myself type that out. I'm a bad sister. Anyway...I have a weekend away with one of my sisters coming up and have invited the other two to join us if they wish. We will see.
This is a big one to me but I'm going to keep it really short and sweet. I wish my house was much, MUCH cleaner. We are currently (still) under construction so there is constant disarray and mess. My husband drives me crazy most days. Why does he have to get so damn dirty at work??? I wish he had a different job. I don't much care for his employer at all. No family-friendly anything there. Just come in earlier and stay later. Who cares if you see your wife during the week. *sigh* Okay, that one veered off in a direction even I didn't see coming!! Apparently that bothers me too.
And last but not least...but am sure it's not really the last but I don't want to "find" things that aren't already at the surface (kinda like what just happened up above haha).... trying to decide which relationships I want and need in my life. A few months ago, I finally walked away from a friendship of many years because I felt like it was a one-way friendship. The only time I got a call was when there was nobody else to hang out with or if I could do something for that person. There was never any thought given to do anything with me; not even a lunch or "coffee" date. I was almost non-existent in this person's life unless I could do something for them or unless I invited myself over to their house. Yeah, I got tired of that and walked away. Too bad too because we have quite a fun history.
I'm sure you've seen that meme that says something to the effect of "Real friends can go months or years without seeing or talking to each other and when they do meet again, pick up right where they belong." Well folks, I am definitely not that friend. I want my friendships to be nurtured and used in a way that there isn't months or years without seeing or talking to each other. While I understand that life gets in the way and we all have family responsibilities, I also understand that those few close friends need to fit in there as well. At least I think they do. I do not want to be considered a close friend to any person that has so many friends that they don't have time to do anything with them and I sure don't want to be the "runner up" when everyone else has plans and leaves them with nothing to do. Nope. I don't want to be friends with those popular people that have so many people vying for their attention that they don't know how to fit them all in. I want to be friends with those few that don't need all the drama and hoopla. Few and close is where I'm going to keep it. So a lot of changes will be made there very soon.
I'm not sure I got anything accomplished here but at least I got it all off my chest. Ugh, speaking of that....a tattoo on the chest HURTS. My husband asked me if I wanted to get another one on the other side and I about back handed him! HA! Not happening dude but am glad I got it. Until next time...and by the way it looks, these posts are few and far between now. Hopefully, I can get my writing mojo back too!
Have a beautiful day!!!
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