Getting heart healthy

I have had a heavy, heavy heart for quite a while now and it’s getting too heavy to carry around.  I have to let some steam off.  I have to let loose.  It’s time for a venting. 
What you are about to read is an entry from my journal.  It is about a family feud.  No, not the game; the life.  My life.  I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I am not trying to gain anything by this except for closure and a healing heart.  Please be biased if you know me and/or the people that I am referring to.  There will be no names. 


As long as I can remember, I have always felt like I have had to “keep up” with my family.  They have always, whether intentional or not, made me feel like they are better than me.  I feel like I have been looked down on and I don’t understand why.  I have made mistakes in my life but can you honestly say you haven’t? 

I have held my family on a pedestal my whole life and it has taken me 43 years to realize that just because we are family, we aren’t always family. It has taken me a long time to learn to own up to my mistakes and my choices; to say I did something bad or wrong.  At least I learned.  At least I can take ownership and account for my actions.

All my life, all I have ever known is to “be there” for my family.  And I feel like I have done that.  Many, many times.  I have helped you clean your homes; helped with your children; helped with garage sales; attended ballgames; aided in family dinners in your homes; anything I COULD do, I tried to.  Because if I didn’t, I felt like I was letting everyone down. 

Recently I had an experience where I attended a family celebration, and although it was nice being there, I couldn’t have felt more out of place…like a stranger; a visitor among my own.  I was at this family deal and it was made pretty clear that I wasn’t a true part of it.  I hope to never make anybody feel that way.  Especially family.

I have had to think long and hard about how to explain it and the only thing I can come up with is, it would be an experience equal to going to a family reunion and setting the different families down to get pictures taken, but they didn’t want you in any of them.  How would THAT make you feel?

I live an hour away from most of my family and the only time I see them is when I go there.  With the exception of a couple, the only time I hear from my family is when I make an outgoing text or call.  They rarely come inbound for any reason unless it’s to ask me to do something for them.  It is highly unusual that it is with them.  It happens.  But it is rare and it is only from a couple.

I’ve come to realize that the meaning of family can mean many different things to many different people.  I have always thought that someone’s family are those that stand by your side, no matter what.  Those that give as well as take.  What holds true, in my own heart, is that family isn’t always those that share your DNA; but those that stand beside you.  Even when you’re wrong.  They don’t have to agree but they do need to make the effort to understand.

I have always wondered if the reason I was the “outcast” was because I didn’t make enough money; didn’t follow in anyone’s footsteps; married, divorced, married, divorced, married again; or didn’t ever have kids.  I’m sorry if the way I celebrated my life is not up to your standards.  I’m sorry that I wasn’t ready to settle down and be an adult the day I turned 18.  And I’m sorry if MY choices, in MY life, have hurt YOU.  You have to know that I wouldn’t have ever done that intentionally.

I spent a lot of my younger years thinking of nobody but me and did a whole lot of stupid things.  I hardly think I’m the only one that has ever done that.  I learned that that isn’t what made me happiest.  I wanted to do for others.  I love to make people smile and laugh and to please them however I could.  Especially those that I love.

I sent a letter of apology to my brother and his wife, for behavior that I displayed a little over a year ago.  I know that I attacked them in a way, and I know that it was an extreme thing to do.  I can’t do anything more than apologize.  I can’t turn back time and take it all back.  What I didn’t understand about my family at that time was that not one person asked me WHY I did what I did.  Not one person asked me what events had led to that moment. Maybe nobody cared, I don’t know.  Or maybe they KNEW why I did it and thought it easier to "turn the other cheek."  That’s how I feel right now though.  Like that visitor from the earlier celebration.

I will not be attending any more of the family dinners because it is not fair to my brother's kids.  If I go, they will not.  It was pointed out to me that “Christmas is for the kids anyway and it’s not like you have any.”  I guess it’s a win-win for everyone.  And even if we were ALL to attend, how unfair would it be for me to be ignored.  Put yourself in my place.  How would you like to be stuck in a room where half the people weren’t allowed to talk to you and/or didn’t care if you even woke up that day, let alone showed up.  Yep, it has come to that.

I have tried my best not to involve anybody in this thing between me and my brother.  Nobody can say I put them in the middle of anything.  I received a text message from one brother telling me to stay away from his family and that I wasn’t welcome at his home anymore.  And as far as I can see, this feud (that I helped create), didn’t involve him at all.  He CHOSE a side.  So he basically pushed me away from his family…a family that I always have fun spending time with.  And their children…whom I have always adored. I have not seen (with the exception of a few on FB or maybe once driving past in a vehicle) nor spoken to them for a year.

I got yelled at from a sister.  She felt like she got put in the middle because my brother wanted her to talk to me FOR HIM instead of him doing it himself.  For the record, I didn’t do that.  I didn’t ask her to do anything that would put her in the middle of anything.

Another brother, I got nothing from.  He did everything but shut me off completely for a long time.  I was face-to-face with him in Bedford shortly after all this “went down,” and it was a struggle for him to speak to me.  “What are you doing down here?”  That’s what I got.  Not “Hi!  What’s going on?”  Which is what I was expecting.  I can count on one hand, the face-to-face conversations I have had with him in the past year.  I know he has a good heart and does a lot of good for a lot of people in the world, but what happened between me and our brother, didn't concern him.  His spouse has never involved herself in it and never wanted to.  I thank God for her daily.  For many reasons.

Now…I have a sister that I feel like I should take a little responsibility for.  I think that my anger and my frustration boiled over onto her, which made her feel like she needed to stand by me.  At any and all costs.  Maybe she understands me a little more than anybody else.  I will say though, that I have made it quite clear, sides should never have been taken.  By anyone.  She has always been here for me and I for her. 

Even though she recently brought to my attention that while I’m fun to be around and do things with, I’m not the one she would have take care of her when and if the "time comes."  I don't think I will ever forget the words she said to me that day.  Started out with a laugh and followed up with, "My little sister would never be able to do that."  I am not lying when I tell you that it took me about 5 seconds to understand who her little sister was.  Sh!t, she means me!  I know she didn't have any intention of hurting my feelings but she did. 

I don't care so much that I'm not the one she picked to take care of her if her kids need help with such things.  I guess the part that hurts is that she has chosen family members that she doesn't spend any amount of time with, to tend to her and her wishes, in her time of need.  People that don’t know what she likes or dislikes.  People that don’t get involved in her life.  So I’m not good enough for the serious stuff in life.  That was a real eye opener there, let me tell you.  Well, I don’t know if I’m not good enough.  Maybe I’m not smart enough.  Maybe I’ve been married too many times to take seriously.  I don’t know…..  If experience has taught me anything, it is that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.  Ever.  EVER.

I have asked her to make amends with whatever is going on between her and the family.  She refuses and I can’t do anything about that.  Why distance yourself from the very people you want to take care of you in case of the worst?  I don’t get it.  Go see those people!!!  Build a relationship!!  Do something!!  NOW!  Before it’s too late!  For the love of peanut butter and pickles!!

Anyway, I’ve done what I can.  I have my own messes to clean up (and am getting it done slowly but surely) and don’t have the time or energy to clean up anyone else’s.  I just hope she doesn’t wait too long because bad things happen and they happen fast.  I feel like I am trying to stay afloat in a lake of my own family and I’m finally tired of treading water.  My body and my mind are worn out.

I have been told I was in the wrong and that I needed to make things right; that I started this mess.  I have also been told (3rd person so it isn't official) that it wouldn’t matter now if I died, because this family doesn’t need me.  Hard to believe but whatever. I’m making my peace before that happens.  I have to kind of start over and start doing for me.  I have to start telling others no, and be a little selfish because I am crumbling in so many ways.

It is so hard for me to grasp the concept of family not giving what they get from those that love them or those they love.  Finally and for a change, my husband (and someday his children), has to be my only priority.  He and the few that have chosen to be here for me and stand by me, when I’m not strong enough to stand on my own.  Those that want to support me and encourage me and help me pick up the pieces when I have hit the bottom and don’t know how to put those pieces back together by myself.  Those are the people I need to make my life whole. 

Please don’t take this as any sort of attack against anybody because it’s not meant to be.  It’s meant to be me cleaning out the cobwebs and getting rid of all the bad stuff that is in my life.  In my heart.  It’s a way for me to start over in so many ways.  It’s another way of getting heart healthy. 

You may say “How was I supposed to know that your feelings are hurt?  How was I supposed to know that I could help?”  And if you need the answer pointed out, look at your phone history.  Go ahead.  Open it up and look at the history.  See how many exchanges you and I have had in the past week; the past month; heck, go all the way back a year.  What do you have?  See how distant we really are???  This family of ours.  I almost said it’s nothing new but that wouldn’t be true.  People always used to comment about how close our family was and how they loved that we would get together and do things as a family.  I miss that but in honesty, don’t know that I could or would go back.

In some ways it has to stop.  It has to stop because it hurts so bad when you finally come to the realization that the people you would do the most for, go the furthest for, do anything on earth for, won’t reciprocate.  Not because you aren’t family or because you aren’t loved, but because you aren’t “their” family anymore.  I hope that makes sense to you because it took me a little bit to wrap my head around it.  Some days I think I over-think things.  Some days I think I under-think things.

How would you feel if the very people you loved, weren’t allowed to speak to you, look at you, or even associate with you?  Maybe that explains why I rarely visit Bedford anymore.  Too many bad memories and I just can’t stop making more and more of them.

I will close this for now.  I will be over in my easy chair with my cup of coffee and a good book, planning my next move toward that inner peace we all so desperately need.  Until next time…thanks for reading.