First off, I just want you to know that I think this blog is against my better judgement but my dear sister Kathy planted a seed and well...here it is.
Right now I feel at odds with several things in my life. My job is my biggest hurdle right now. It has made me yearn for the time when I am alone so I can just think and let my tears fall. The time when nobody can see how others' words and reactions affect me and it is also the time when I pick at myself for taking my emotional stress out on everybody that comes into contact with me.
I have not been myself for a little while now and I don't know how to fix me. If you are reading this and you work with me at all...I am sorry. That's all I can do right now.
So, with that being said...I will let my tears fall as I type and tell you a story that my dear sister loves so much.
Recently, my wonderful husband mismanaged his money. And to make matters worse, he mismanaged it two...yes TWO days after he got paid. Me, being the good wife, told him I would get him some cash to get him through the week.
"I only need $20. I don't have to drive this week so I won't need much."
Cool. I got him some cash and life goes on, right? Uh huh! The very next day, he calls me at work and tells me that the alternator and starter went out of his truck but his uncle was on his way over with a new alternator because he had a warranty on this one he put in just a couple months ago. Awesome.
"How much is the starter?" I asked him, not really wanting to hear the answer because I didn't want to buy the part.
"$51 and it has a lifetime warranty at O'Reilly's"
"Well you're going to have to wait until you get paid because I don't have a lot of extra money this week." And he was fine with that and I should have just left it alone.
Okay maybe I told a little white lie about not having the money but he DID say he didn't need to drive anywhere this week!!! Before the end of the night though, I had called him back and asked him to text me the information for the part and that I would run to Creston in the morning and get it for him.
I know that if I didn't NEED my car for anything and it was disabled, I would really WANT it for something and well, to be honest, I don't want my loving husband driving my car if I can help it. So I went and got the part the next day, feeling like I had been driven over by a fleet of super buses, but with a smile on my face. After all, this man had just gotten me the gun I have wanted for a long time. I kinda felt like l owed him a little bit.
When he got home that day, he put the starter in and life was good. I felt so bad that day that I asked him to order a pizza and I would pay for it. Anything to get out of having to get out of that chair until it was time to get ready for work!!! So he goes to get the pizza, with my debit card in his greedy, dirty hand...and comes back with pizza, chips (not one bag but two!!!), and TWO huge bottles of Mountain Dew. He knows I hate that he drinks so much of that crap anyway but I didn't care. I didn't feel good and I just didn't care. Simple as that.
It was then that he tells me that he took a load of scrap to the junk yard today (or whatever that place is called) and didn't have much. Only made $33. Again, I didn't care.
At this point anyway. (Sorry, I will stop dragging this out so much)
Two nights later, hubby says to me "I am going to order some shrimp from Casey's. You want anything?"
"I will take some chicken strips." I still wasn't feeling well so again, I had no plans to get out of the chair until I was forced.
The order is placed and I hear him counting his money. Knowing he should have most of his $33 burning a hole in his pocket, I said "You can take my debit card if you want." I guess what I should have stated was "You can take my debit card and pay for my chicken strips with that." Lesson learned.
He comes back with two orders of shrimp, chicken strips, a bag of Doritos, and two large Mountain Dews. And he says to me...which doesn't even register until the next day..."I didn't put the pop on your debit card." Imagine the look of shock and stupidity on my face when I realized what he had said. It was like the light cleared the fog!!! Well thanks for not putting the pop on my card, you jackass! I'm so happy pay for a meal that you asked me to join in on! Ugh!!!
And here is where it gets good.
"Hey babe. Since you have been so good at spending my money this week, I am going to need you to bring me dinner tomorrow night at work since you get paid tomorrow." Of course he thought this was great. Any chance he gets to eat Mexican food, he is thrilled.
"Oh, and when you bring my dinner, I will also need you to bring me some pads." Imagine crayons falling out of the bottom of the box. That is exactly what his face looked like. Like someone opened up the bottom and the color just fell out.
"Are you serious?" It was almost like he was planking while standing up. Rigid and straight as an arrow.
"Yes I'm serious and here's where you need to take notes because I don't want period pads. I want bladder control pads. I don't have a period, remember. What I do have is bronchitis and anytime I cough, I pee. It's not something I'm proud of. It's just a fact of life. And I will be going on a girls trip soon and those bitches make me laugh. I can't go around with pissy pants."
"So you want Always pads." He just puts it out there like he's an expert on this subject. And then there's me who doesn't even realize that Always makes a bladder control pad.
"NO! Not Always. I want bladder control panty liners. You are going to have to go to the store and stand there and READ the packages. Anything more than a panty liner feels like a literal mattress between my legs and it's not like I go around and intentionally piss my pants!!" I really wanted this to hurt a little bit and the more I talked, the more it seemed to really punch him in the gut.
This was working out just like I wanted it to. I even explained the whole concept behind "minimum and maximum absorbency," like a good wife. That look of horror on his face was awesome.
So...the next evening, Quintin shows up to my work with food and "extra bags" in hand. He sets the two bags on my desk and goes to sit down with the food. I notice that the bags are huge and wonder what he has done. After we eat dinner and talk, he tells me to check and see if he brought me the right stuff.
I pull one package out of the bag and it's HUGE. I could tell immediately that he got mattress pads. Ugh! "28 maximum absorbency ALWAYS bladder control pads." Yes, I realize he got the right KIND but he got the wrong everything else, so don't you dare side with him!!!
"Quintin what the hell???" He just starts laughing and says "What?"
"I can not wear a mattress pad in my pants! I. Can. Not!"
"Sorry! I wasn't sure. Well look at it this way, you can tinkle even more times with these."
"That isn't funny and you know it."
"Okay, so what's the difference between those and what's in the other bag because even though they are the same brand, they are different apparently. I didn't know so I got them both."
I should have just stopped while I was ahead. Why did I even look?
"19 maximum absorbency bladder protection ALWAYS UNDERWEAR! UNDERWEAR QUINTIN??!!?? ARE YOU SHITTING ME???" I did not even know they made these things!
He laughed. And he laughed. And he couldn't stop laughing. And then I got to laughing, turned to him and said "You have to return these."
*S-I-L-E-N-C-E*
"The hell I am."
I pulled the receipt out of the bag and just then noticed that he had went to ShopKo. The one store I won't shop at unless it's a dying necessity. And then I see that he has paid $26 for two bags of mattress pads and pissy pants.
"Dude, you paid $26 for these??? Are you delirious??? You are taking these back!"
"NO. I am not taking them back."
"Fine. I am taking them back and keeping the money."
And I did. I walked right into ShopKo Greenfield and said to the poor young boy working the register, "I am about to embarrass you just a little bit," to which I get the reply "Oh great."
I drop them on the counter and say "I sent my husband in with specific instructions on what to get and he got exactly the opposite of what I said. Not only does not have a clue about women in general, he knows nothing about his wife." I thought this poor kid was going to die laughing. He wasn't embarrassed at all and ends up the transaction with "Hey, you gotta give him credit for even trying at all."
As I walk away, I glared at him with my meanest look I could muster without laughing and said "No. I do not give him credit for anything that directly affects what we just went through. This man has known me for far too long to mess this up!"
Then I proceeded to go to Dollar General and spend $2.65 on 64 of those beautiful little panty liners and pocketed the rest of that money! Ha!
Suffice it to say, my husband thinks he won this little battle. He hasn't, of course. Oh the game is on and it is just beginning!!!
Until next time, thanks for reading. I know I worked out a few tears. Both from laughter and sadness! Hope you enjoyed Kathy's new favorite story!!!
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