Every day I cry myself to sleep. I can't get past it. I don't look at anyone the same anymore. I feel myself not trusting anybody's motives, their movements, their intentions. I hope this comes back to me. I feel like my soul has literally been crushed. Physical and emotional pain and there is no way of making it go away.
I didn't know Sgt. Beminio so I can't really put my finger on why this cuts so deep. I'm not sure if it is simply because it's so close to home or if I just can't take any more of this. This war on our police. About half a second into the "what if that was one of my own..." literally, half a second in...I'm tearing up. This has been my last thought of the day every day for the past six days. And it has also been the first thought when I wake up. Losing one of my own...any of my own...will shatter my world. These people are my family.
But don't mistake that for fear. All of those that I call "my own," are damn well capable and very good at their jobs. I'm not scared of the bad guy winning as much as I'm terrified of doing my job without any of them. Because I feel that without "my own," I have no place here. They are the reason I come back to work every day.
**I provided a link at the end if you are interested in watching the whole, incredible service. Not only did I attend this funeral, but I have watched it on the screen since. And I will probably watch it a time or two more.* I refuse to open my phone during a funeral to take video or pictures. I do not feel it is my place and if you choose to do that, it is solely on you. I found there were many more things to be grateful for than snapping a photo of a nation of men and women grieving. That's what the film crew was for. So this is just a short recap of the "incredible crazy" that I was honored to be a part of.
Monday, November 7th, 2016, I attended my first active law enforcement funeral. I had a friend try to prepare me for what I was about to go through and what I would need to get through it. Kleenex, mints and ibuprofen. Erica, you are priceless and I love you. Thank you times a million.
When we arrived at the church, we were greeted by West Des Moines PD, who were directing cars to the appropriate parking spaces and THEY thanked us for coming and by the look on their faces, they could not have meant it more. Their compassion started from the time I pulled into that church parking lot until the time I left and I felt "safe and at home." Wearing our work uniforms, we were welcomed to go downstairs and join the "other officers" and get our flowers and walk in with the rest of them. We chose to sit in the general area because this was about Tony and the rest of the officers. We just wanted to support them. They tried to seat us in the area of the Des Moines Dispatchers but again, no. Don't think it wouldn't have been an honor to sit with those who showed exemplary patience and skill that horrific night, because I would love to hug them, but it wasn't our place.
We were lucky enough to be seated in an area that, when it was all said and done, our own guys were literally six rows ahead of us and when I felt like I was going to burst into tears, I would just look at the one deputy that was straight ahead of me. Knowing he was there was enough comfort for me. Those guys may have been six rows away from me but they were close enough to help me keep my composure. That says a lot for them. I can't give them enough credit no matter what they do.
The endless line of officers, walking two-by-two. Law Enforcement, Fire Departments, Border Patrol, Conservation, Military....you name it, they were there. And watching every one of them pass by and salute Sgt. Beminio was entrancing. Witnessing such an outpouring of love and commitment, not only to Tony, but to law enforcement itself.
Something that has always been very hard for me is to see grown men cry. From the first time I saw my dad cry in preparation of his mother's funeral, to the first time I saw my brother cry in preparation of our dad's funeral, to this...my first active law enforcement funeral; where I witnessed man-after-man and woman-after-woman, weep for their brother in blue that were taken way too soon.
Chief Dana Wingert spoke about Tony and what an exemplary officer he was. I'm not sure how he kept it all together so amazingly well while he spoke of his friend but his love and compassion for the Beminio family was proudly evident. The one thing he said that rings over and over in my head is this, "Tony Beminio is part of an organization that just won't quit." He's right and I don't think I will ever forget that line.
Sounds of Silence ~ Disturbed Pastor Mike Householder shared that the lyrics to this song were written by Paul Simon when he was 21 years old. He wrote them just a few months after President Kennedy was assassinated to express his pain, sadness, and grief. So beautiful. Give it a listen. Please. You will not be sorry.
The bag pipes. One of the most beautiful sounds but also one of the hardest to hear. Just like the trumpet. Hearing TAPS about brings me to my knees. I love it and hate it all at the same time. And then the most amazing version of Amazing Grace I have ever heard. It may have been the first time in my adult life that I didn't cry when it was sang. Simon Estes, Des Moines native and internationally acclaimed opera singer, sang The Lord's Prayer. I had heard it before but to hear it in person is a whole new experience.
What is a Policeman ~ Paul Harvey If you haven't heard this by now, you truly need to hear it. And I mean listen! Every single person that thinks a cops job is easy, listen to these words.
The final call. This tears me up every time. And if you think hearing it is hard, imagine how hard it is to say it over the air without blubbering. Kudos to that awesome dispatcher that got the honor to do that.
At the end of the service, Des Moines PD stood and they literally took my breath away. I know they are a big organization but WOW. That beautiful sea of men and women standing and saying goodbye to one of their own... DMPD, you are amazing and I hope you know you have the support of so many. Not just through this bad time but through all of them.
Due to time restraints and having to be at work, we could not go to the cemetery for Sgt. Beminio's burial, but we did get to see the hundreds of vehicles that made up the procession. I can only imagine what it was like for them to drive through Des Moines, seeing all their supporters and mourners alongside the road and on the overpasses, with their signs and thin blue lines.
Once again, I urge you to thank your local law enforcement. Their job is not easy and they take a lot of guff from the public on any given day for the littlest of flaws. I plan to honor "my own" till the day I die. Thanks for reading.
*Complete coverage of Anthony Beminio funeral
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