Hey there again! It's me!! Hope you all are doing amazing and tolerating this crazy weather. I know Iowa is a little bipolar this year. We went from freezing to sweating in a matter of minutes. At least the majority did. I'm thoroughly enjoying this "hotness."
As some of you know, last week I started a challenge with 3 others at work. No energy drinks. None. That first day I thought I was going to lose my sanity but each day got a little better. If that wasn't enough, I had cut all bad carbs out of my life for the week. Yeah, life was getting testy for me. Then my new iPhone came. I have been an Android user my whole life so this was going to take some getting used to!! Guess what??!! The phone was the easiest of the three.
I did hit a wall though. I bought a Fitbit and it was not pairing with my new phone so instead of taking the time to figure it out, I took that thing back to the store and said "Not today, Satan." I'm better off without that thing anyway. So, I am currently 9 days without any carbonated energy drinks. I was drinking iced tea and coffee but now am on my 4th day with no caffeine and nobody has yet to die from it! I got through my week of no bad carbs (maybe on Cinco de Mayo, I may have had five chips dipped in queso because I had too much to drink and no supervision and a bad, bad friend influencing me)!! I feel fantastic and no cravings for any of that crap right now. And just 9 days in.....I am already the last one standing. My other three comrades have caved to their desires. I am going to keep it up for the rest of the month and see how it goes.
Getting to the point of my blog.....
So, a while back on Facebook (I mean, it was Feb 22, 2022 but feels like yesterday), I shared the article that is posted below. It is about how women perceive their bodies and how we learned the behavior. I even added a little tidbit about the life I led when I wanted to achieve that "perfect" look. FYI, I never found that perfect look. At least that's what I thought.
Here's what I posted: "I think there are A LOT of women out there that go through this. When I lived in KC, I did a lot of binging and purging in hopes to get to my goal faster. I won't lie, I did get there fast but it messed me up in so many ways. The way I see myself, for starters. Although I don't do this anymore, my head will never be accepting of my body and I will always, always sabotage myself. This is the stuff us women need to be discussing amongst ourselves and helping each other get through."
I became a teenager in the 90s.
Where the models were stick thin.
Curves were disgusting.
Boobs were shameful.
And anything over a size 2 a disgrace.
Then the 2000s brought tall glamorous thin Victoria's Secret models that told me tan, tall, and cup D was desired.
Now at 38, I see how toxic my relationship with my body is.
I see young women today embracing their bodies. All the shapes and sizes. I am baffled how they can be so comfortable in their skin. Then I see companies using models that look like me.
But the damage has been done.
I hate my body right now.
And have in the past.
I have tried to throw it up, starve it, and exercise it all away. To be like them. The women in the magazines I read in my teens.
I look at my body now with the extra weight packed on by meds and age. Three new scars reminding me how sick my body was. The stretch marks from carrying my sons.
My clothes don't fit. I try to shop for replacements but it ends in tears and dispare. I can't see beauty and femininity. I only see the stick thin image burned into my brain of what beauty looks like.
I am told I am beautiful. Sexy. Hot. Desired.
I struggle to see it. And believe it.
And I want too. I really do.
Ridding myself of the lies I have heard for 30 years isn't easy. Especially when I still compare myself to others who are thinner than me.
I am sharing this now because it is heavy. It's exhausting. It's all consuming at times.
Me aching to love myself wholeheartedly and at the same time hating the way my body looks. Tears are forming as I write this.
Sure losing weight will make me feel better. It won't solve the problem or heal the issue.
I don't know how to work on loving my body.
But I know sharing this is the first step.
Since the day I posted that, I have literally went back to those days. Not in the binging and purging kind of way but in the way of concentrating on numbers that, in the end, don't need to be concentrated upon. I couldn't do enough to get my weight down and it was starting to consume me. It was starting to become a focal point of my life. I have been buying baby snacks to eat in the car when I go on long trips and it took a friend that knew me almost 20 years ago to say to me "I remember when you used to eat baby food." That hit home with me and it bothered me.
It bothered me because I knew what I had done back in those days did nothing but hurt my body and hinder my thought process so why did I go back to it? Because I drilled it into my head for so many years that it made it easy to fall back on. I listened to the wrong people for so many years; some of them (past) doctors that wanted me to live by numbers. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of it and I should be able to be free to live my life for once. The only numbers I care about now is my A1C and next month, the goal is to be able to start slowing off the meds finally. I mean, I've only been diabetic for 15 years. Next goal is to be able to say "I used to be a diabetic." I will get there.
Yesterday, I put the scales away. Out of sight, out of mind. I will know if I need to adjust my eating/activities by the way my body starts to respond. I do not care what my weight is anymore. I know I look good and I feel fantastic! The doctors office can tell me what my weight is when I go there. I'm over it and I can't even tell you how freeing that is! Now, let's not throw an ice cream party just yet. I still plan to eat better and take good care of myself. I have a lot of plans for my future and a lot of fun still to be had so I need to be in good shape for it! So please don't intentionally sabotage my progress and I hope you will continue to encourage me to stay on the right track.
Please, if you are letting those numbers on the scales get to you, stop now. Do it. Go cold turkey. Listen to your body talk to you and respond accordingly. Take care of yourself. For you and any person that loves you. It's hard, I'm not going to lie. And I'm pretty sure about 20 years ago someone told me the older you get, the harder it is to maintain and boy, they were not joking!
I don't have any magic words to get you started. I don't have a magic potion that "this worked for me so it will work for you," but I'm here if you need to talk about it. I can hold your hand through it but you have to do the real work. If you want it bad enough, you can achieve it. Just take that first step. I'm not going to say if I can do it, anyone can because like I said earlier, IT IS HARD.
Now get out there and live life.
And be kind.
Above all else, be kind.
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