In Loving Memory

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014, Quintin's cousin Michelle was found dead in her home.  She suffered from injuries to her neck and head.  I didn't hear about it for a day or two after it had happened but I remember time standing still when I did hear.  

I had only met Michelle a couple of times and both of those times was at the Schultz family Christmas.  Besides Grandma, Michelle was the only reason I even wanted to attend.  Don't get me wrong, I love my husband's family.  I have just never felt like I fit in there and I don't really know very many people.  We all sit in our little groups and stay to ourselves.  We eat, go bowling, come back and eat some more, watch Grandma and Wayne open their presents, and sit and talk and then everyone goes home.

This past Christmas, Michelle told me that they weren't going to be able to make it and I was so sad.  I had really looked forward to seeing her and was even going to try to trade some shifts to spend some extra time with her while she was in town.  She told me that her boyfriend was trying to get his shop up and going and she was so busy at work, they just didn't feel like it was a good time to get away.

"No worries," I told her.  I think Q and I should just take a road trip to Illinois this spring and hang out for a long weekend.  We hadn't planned anything but it was something we all wanted to do.  

Michelle was such a fun gal and she really told it like it was.  I loved that about her!  She wasn't afraid to stand up for her convictions and nobody was going to mess with her kids.  She was a great mother who took great pride in her children.  Michelle was a rare gem to me.  She and I clicked immediately and we shared the same sense of humor.  And she was so beautiful.  Inside and out.  

Like I said, when I found out that she died, time stood still for me.  I actually thought the person telling me, was playing a very sick joke on me.  I felt my heart sink.  And then to hear that she was murdered, made me even sicker.  I wanted to go to her and make it all go away.  I wanted her back and I wanted her here.  Here with her family.

I had sent Q a message to call me on his break and when I told him the news, he was heart broken.  He hadn't known Michelle really well either but he thought she was so fun to be around and was really proud to call her his cousin.  He too, looked forward to spending time with her at Christmas and wanted to go visit her and her family.

To even hear people speak of her death brought tears to my eyes and I was having a hard time understanding a lot of things.  Not only the facts surrounding her death, but about why it was affecting me the way it was.  I still am not sure about the whole "feelings" thing.

The morning of Michelle's visitation, Q and I headed west out of town to take our treasures to the mission and within minutes, we met a hearse on the highway.  Immediately tears just poured down my cheeks...kind of like now.  All I wanted at that moment was to call Michelle and tell her that she was a one-of-a-kind person and that I would never ever forget her.  She will always have a special place in my heart.  

I know God brought us together for a reason...
I'm not sure of the reason but I know there's a reason.

When we got home from Omaha that evening, we stopped at home to change clothes and freshen up before going to the funeral home.  I almost didn't go.  My stomach was in knots and I didn't want to tell anyone...not even Q...because I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling.  

How did this woman make such an impact on me?  
Why is it so hard to let her go?

I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep my composure in front of her mom and step-dad but I knew I needed to be strong for them.  When we walked in the viewing room, there was the most beautiful green casket I have ever laid eyes on.  It was topped with a stunning spray of flowers with green ribbons through it.  All I could think was how gorgeous those colors were for her.  Somehow it was "fitting" for her.

She would have loved it.
I wish I could lean in and tell her how much I already miss her.
I wanted to whisper our secret joke in her ear.

The casket was closed.  

I don't know why and I don't need to know why.  Maybe it was due to her injuries and maybe it was easier for her family that way.  It doesn't matter.  I talk to her a lot these days.  Remembering the things we joked about...and smile, just thinking about her smile.

I got through the hugging process but I couldn't make myself leave the room.  I had given Q strict orders not to leave me by myself simply because I didn't know a lot of the people there and what did he do?  Yes, he left me.  Off to socialize.  I'm sure Michelle was looking down laughing at us saying, "Ha ha he did just exactly what you told him not to do!"

It's an awkward feeling to be standing in a room with a group of people that you don't really know.  And it's even more awkward when you can't, for the life of you, even force yourself to leave that room.  I just went from flower to plant to plant to flower...looking at names on cards but not really seeing any of them.  I mentally lectured myself the whole time to keep my eyes dry and be strong.  

Her step-dad thanked me for being there and I fumbled "I wouldn't be anywhere else."  It was close because that dam was having an awful time not bursting forth with thousands of tears just waiting to be shed.  I hate it when my voice wavers as I speak.

Do not lose it in front of all these people.
You can do this.
Michelle, I miss you.  I hope that doesn't sound silly.  I miss you.

I didn't attend the funeral because I had already consented to cover a shift at work for someone who was out on medical leave.  My heart was with her though, and her mom, step-dad, kids...everyone, that whole day.  

I think I finally understand what my mom told me so many years ago about how she never really got closure after Marla died in our house fire.  She never got to see Marla.  The casket was closed and that was that.  

It's so hard to believe that my friend is gone and that I will never see her.  I wish I could shake the tears that are so close.
I wish I could get these feelings off my sleeve.

I will keep mourning you dear Michelle.  As long as it takes.  Tears flowing deep within and smiles on the surface.  You will always be one of the best people I have ever known.  Even if I only got to know you for that short time. 

Thank you for being the beautiful gal you were.  
Thank you for having an effect on me.

Michelle's obituary can be read at:  http://steenfunerals.com/obituaries/index.php?pageID=Michelle-Miller-Woods-1959-2014#.Uv74pl4tfHg.facebook 

She left behind three beautiful children that I, unfortunately, didn't get to know.  Someday, I hope to be able to show them how much of an impact their momma made on my heart.

Until next time...thanks for reading.