Monday is not looking so good

It's Monday.  Monday.  It is an off day for me.  Those of you that know me, know that Monday is my day.  Monday is my wingman.  Monday is what I look forward to.  My soulmate, so to speak.  Monday is not going so well for me this morning and I have nothing to attribute that to.  A bad dream?  Possibly.  I did have one.  I woke up at 0530 this morning shook and told myself I wasn't going to let that ruin my day.  LET IT GO.  That's my new adaptation toward those things I cannot control.  Just let it go, Shellie.  Relax, let it go and smile in the end.

Funny thing is that I was just thinking last night how I rarely have dreams now that I take the melatonin.  Well, at least I don't remember the dreams if I have them.  Until last night. -_-

I finally did go back to sleep and when I woke up went and picked up my groceries for baking this week and headed home, with a pounding headache and that dark cloud lurking over me.  If I had a dollar for every time I told myself, out loud mind you, to LET IT GO, I could call in dead for a week. I am finding it is hard to let go of something that you don't know you are holding.  

Got dinner put together for my crew tonight and it will go in the oven soon.  Bed made, laundry taken to the basement, dishes done and kitchen cleaned, dogs played with both inside and outside and this headache was about to rupture through my skull.  I thought if I could just relax it would go away so I tried that.  It lasted about 15 minutes and I started to get sleepy.  Back to bed.  That lasted 59 minutes.  Exactly.  It's not every day you get to make your bed twice!

Fine.  Take a couple of Ibuprofen.  You win.  I took the hottest bath I could sit in and made myself just relax.  I did not take my phone and I actually shut it down for the duration.  No music.  No dogs (because they have squirrels treed in the back yard and I am loving every minute of this quietness today) and nothing to worry about except how to make the day better for me.  First I had to find out what was making it bad.  I'm still working on that.  That dark cloud is still there.  Not as dark as this morning so I must be gaining. And the headache is almost gone but I can feel it lurking.

Don't get confused on the dark cloud being a black cloud.  I don't plan on being one of those at work tonight.  No siree!!  Last night I just wanted an easy going night and what did I do?  Opened up a can of worms.  Poor Tricia in the next county... I think I spilled some on her too!  But we got through it and nobody was physically harmed in the process.  I'm pretty sure that if someone were to be harmed, it would be this girl right here!  Let's not hurt Shellie please.

I was able to make myself a cheese sandwich for lunch and not one dog sat there to judge me and guilt me into giving them their piece.  

I'm pretty sure I had more material to go with this blog and suddenly it's gone.  Apparently I have too much going on in my head.

DO NOT LET WORTHLESS PEOPLE RENT SPACE IN YOUR HEAD!

LET IT GO!

DO YOUR JOB AND GO HOME!

AND REPEAT UNTIL IT'S ETCHED IN YOUR BRAIN!

I have to work with Dana tonight.  I almost said Poor Dana but she did send me a snapchat where she was drinking a Bang and that my friends, is usually a recipe for disaster.  Now that I am drinking less and less energy drinks we could be dangerous.  

How do I get out of this funk?

Just take a break

 Hello there!  Been a little bit since we chatted, huh?  Sit.   Have a drink.  Cookie anyone?  Let's talk.

Lately I have been doing more and more of this.   The talking thing.  It's going well.  Maybe not so well last Friday when I chose to be an irresponsible adult for the evening but for the most part, I'm ok at the chatting thing.  It is amazing though how your mouth can not keep up with your brain after WAY too many drinks!  I tried; Lord I tried!  I still seem to have that whole problem with being openly honest and apparently my filter was removed a while back so that can be an issue with some people.  I'm trying to be..... kinder? More compassionate? Nicer?  Something.  I know I need to change some things about myself and it's all starting to come together.  I just don't think I'm going to know where I want to be until I'm there.  

THAT'S NOT SCARY AT ALL!!!

I took a few days away from Facebook.  With the exception of going on a couple of times to see a certain memory that I knew would pop up or a certain someone telling me I HAD to go on and see what he tagged me in.  Not mentioning any names.  **cough cough Denny** But it was worth it because he had me crying laughing so I will let it slide this time.  I only took 8 days off of Facebook.  I really needed that emotional break and I now realize how important it is to force myself away from it occasionally.  I have smiled more, laughed more, cooked more and cleaned more (wasn't sure it was possible) with my time. 

My work shifts had me meeting myself coming and going and with the help of some melatonin, I now sleep like a newborn baby.  Not like the ones that wake up to be fed but the ones that sleep all night.  It is quite lovely.  Who knew it was possible to just SLEEP all night?  Honestly, it has been years since I have had this experience.  I recommend it!!!  

I seem to have found myself in my own little happy place and I have the right people around me that make sure it stays that way.  My little cocoon is all well and good.  I drove to Creston earlier this evening and I couldn't believe I found myself smiling just driving down the road.  Who knew life could be incredible again and that light would re-surface in my world.  I'm not so sure I thought it would ever happen but again, but those closest to me have made sure it happens and stays that way.  

Through the darkest days of my life, I have made a friend I hope will always be in my life.  Last Friday night made me realize that if you start looking around to see who is there, you won't need to look far for contentment.  And while we are on the subject of last Friday night hugs all around for those who took such good care of me.  Even if I did have to walk in front of my window practically naked.  Yes...I remember that!  My friends were the best angels that night but I'm not doing that again for a LONG time!!!  Well, I just found that gallon jug of Captain today so maybe sooner than I think but.................... I will snap ya and let ya know in advance!!!  Just kidding.... this gal is done!

So back to the break from Facebook.  I don't know what it is about Facebook exactly but I had just had enough one day!  Maybe it was a combination of everything going on in my life.  Schedules, the back door incident, couple of work situations that make me want to throw my hands in the air and ask WTF I am doing there, Matilda is being quite a shit these days, no sleeping..... who knows.  But my head is back on straight and I feel like a million dollars.  

On the downside of not being on Facebook, I feel like I have missed out on a lot of family and friends things.  Totally out of the loop but it's all good.  I will just wait until the loop comes back around and jump back in.  But I will be taking more and more breaks from this venue, that's for sure.  

With all this free time I have had, I have went through some totes in my basement and sorted holiday items.  That was something I have been putting off for about 2 months.  Who wants to be in the basement talking to themselves?  I mean, it's one thing to be talking to yourself while baking/cooking but in the basement?  Away from the world?  As if I need one more thing to make me look like a lunatic!  But a lot of it is done.  

Have you ever heard me talk about my floors?  I clean my floors.  A LOT.  I clean my floors a lot.  For those in the back, my name is Shellie and I am a floor-cleaner-a-holic!  I'm pretty sure I had my vacuum out twice today.  I have three dogs. The last thing I want is for our home to smell like it.  I have always worried about that.  I have also cleaned out all my lower cabinets and 2 bedroom closets.  This would be the second time I have done closets since living here only 4 months.  LOL I must be terribly bored.  

I keep the tv on but I haven't watch a program at home for over a week.  It's my noise maker and the dogs like it.  Especially Matilda.  She loves dog movies.

I was on TikTok one night and came across this little snipet of Sawyer Crandall.  It was just a little tease of one of his songs and I was hooked.  Shoot, next thing I know I was purchasing his digital album.  This girl is not a country music lovin' girl so not sure what is going on.  Mind you, with that being said, I am going to see Reba in concert this Thursday but Reba is an all-star.  She would be amazing to watch even if you downright hated country music.  I don't hate it.  I just don't really like it.  Unless I do haha.  

That is my life for the past 8 days.  What have you been doing with yourself?  Your turn to talk.  Spill it friend!  :)

The day the wind blew

Hello again!  I don't know about you but today has been a day!!!

I woke early this morning and hurried around so I could get to Des Moines and back before the wind got too bad to drive.  All the way up there, I was just thinking about the weather so my mind was pretty distracted.  Well, between the weather and the rock concerts going on in my car!  Belting out some tunes while keeping away from any semi's that may or may not decide to blow over on top of me.  I noticed a lot of troopers out today.  That's something I'm not used to but then again, it's a day thing!  

Got up to the John Stoddard Cancer Center and hoped and prayed I could remember the code to get around to the radiation department.  Success!  It was as clear as the nose on my face.  So glad they didn't change that on me!  I got the totes of gifts unloaded and into the main hallway and called Jenny... the happiest woman on earth.  I have always called her that.  For what she does... and she is called a navigator for oncology so she does A LOT... she has the happiest disposition of any person I have ever met.  As I was taking totes and boxes loaded with gifts into the hallway, I kept meeting people coming and going.  I smiled and then realized I had a mask on so they had no idea.  Then terror hit me.  "How am I supposed to greet these people?"  I couldn't, for the life of me, remember how we were "looked at" when we were the ones coming and going on a daily basis.  Then I started saying hello to everyone and telling them to have a nice day.  (Don't tell me what to do I always thought, with a laugh)

I did not go into the waiting room for radiation nor chemo because I wasn't sure how it would hit me and the last thing I want to do is break down in front of people that are already dealing with more than they want to handle.  Jenny and I loaded up the cart and she took them away after a couple of hugs.  That felt good to give back to the caregivers.  I know they are going to enjoy their little gift bags of smiles.

I forgot to add that when I cleared the entrance gate, I said outloud, "Quintin I got in!  Phew!"  So then when I left and had to go through yet another gate where there was always a big pothole, I said outloud again, "No pothole Quintin!  They fixed it!"  And just as I passed through that gate, BANG, right down in a dang pothole!  Ha!  I guess he showed me!  I headed home and got down to the interstate when I realized I was taking the exact same route home today that he and I took all those days he went for treatment.  The same route every single time.  I don't know why I didn't ever change it up.  It felt comfortable to me so I stuck with it.  If it aint broke, don't fix it!

I got about 10 miles west of Des Moines and the tears just started rolling.  I couldn't even tell you what I was thinking about.  I just couldn't stop crying.  I know he would be so happy that I did that project and he is smiling at those that had a hand in helping me.  I really do have the best friends!  I cried all the way to Stuart and then had to get out of my car so the wind dried that up real fast!

The rest of the day I didn't have anything to do and for me that's a long, sad day.  Made the bed (because the dogs weren't ready to get out of it when I did this morning), cleaned the car out, and then just sat here.  I found little odds and ends things to do but nothing major.  And let me tell you, it was one boring day!  Well, as the wind picked up, these three dogs of mine got anxious and they kept wanting to go out, come back in, go out, come back in, etc..  This is why I have a doggy door but geez that was annoying!  

We were laying on the couch watching the final episode of 2 Broke Girls when the tornado whistle went off.  They looked at me and I said "let's go!"  I had so many things in place in case the weather went off the rails it wasn't funny.  Those little odds and ends that I was doing earlier?  Yeah, bottled water and a dish downstairs for them.  An energy drink for me (yes, I did).  2 blankets and a pillow down there just in case we had to REALLY take cover and a phone charger.  I was going to have juice in my phone for as long as the electricity would let me!  I meant to grab some hot dogs but forgot.  Even I'm laughing but dang it, if we would get stuck down there, at least we wouldn't starve, right!

So it ended up being less of a storm than predicted and that's ok.  The wind though?  Yeah it has been right on.  I made sure I had all my outside stuff in the garage before we tucked ourselves in for the day.  

And then just a little while ago, I went out to the garage.  Went in through the side door and left it open so the dogs could come in after they pottied.  Because it wouldn't be fair if I did something they didn't know about!  I was out there looking through something and sat down and all three dogs were in there with me.  All of a sudden the dogs go C-R-A-Z-Y.  I couldn't see what was going on.  Next thing I know a stupid bat is flying around above me and it can't seem to find it's way out.  Oh Lord!

You all know how I feel about animals that fly!  You have never seen a big girl move like I can move when I need to.  I screamed "Get out!" and they all headed out the side door probably wondering if this squirrel had just lost it's last nut.  My head all the way down to my knees, running around the car and waving my hand above my head to make sure that stupid thing didn't come near me.  The dogs were looking at me like I had lost my mind!  I opened the outside garage door and I hope it went out.  I closed it and nothing moved so we shall see!  

If I show up to work tomorrow with pissy pants, they will know that stupid bat was still in my garage!  I'll run for it and jump in.  Heck, I may get in the passenger side and climb over!  That's it.  Done with the garage for the night!

We came back inside and the dogs are all crashed out and I finished up my Christmas baking for the season.  Just have to frost some cookies this week and I am D-O-N-E! 

If you made it this far without falling asleep or pissing yourself, I hope your day was safe.  I know I was texting my people to make sure they were safe.  Oh yeah... that smoke smell... that's all the way from a Kansas Wildfire.  Can you imagine?  I can't believe there isn't a trail of fire all the way across the midwest the way the wind has carried the smoke.  Unbelievable!  

If I don't get back here before then, I hope you have a Merry and Blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year.   

Christmas Helper

Hello again.  I'm back sooner than I thought I would be.  I recently made a decision for myself that I wasn't sure I would want to do but I thought it over for a few days and decided this year I am going to get back into my baking and work out my frustrations with some cookie dough!  It has been a long time since I have really just let myself dive into it and do what makes me happy so that's it!  I can't wait!

I need some ideas from you friends.  Last year when Q was taking radiation treatments at the John Stoddard Cancer Center, I always sat in the waiting room (with the exception of a couple of times someone else took him) and watched The Price is Right with the other family members waiting for their loved one to come out.  One day shortly before Christmas, the receptionist came out and sat beside me.  She handed me a little basket that came from Thirty One and it was filled with gum, mints, word search puzzles, joke books and just many little items that make a person smile.  She told me that a gal had donated a dozen of them to hand out, at their choosing, to give to someone waiting for their loved one because this gal had sat and waited for her Grandma many times.  

I was so honored to receive such a sweet little gift from a complete stranger; from a group of people that didn't even know me, but felt I was deserving.  It was so sweet and I will never forget it.  Now I want to return that favor.  While I don't want to break the bank on this project, I would like ideas on what to do for some of those people that sit and wait for their loved ones getting their treatments.  After all, they suffer too and they need smiles put on their faces when they least expect it.  If I can come up with something really special, I may do both radiation and chemo departments.  

The John Stoddard Cancer Center showed Q and I such honest and loving care.  We never encountered staff that acted like they didn't want to be there.  They all had heart and we were always very comfortable there (as comfortable as one can be).

I'm keeping this one short so any ideas are appreciated!  Comment here or on my Facebook or private message me.  All ideas considered!

Lost on Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving 2021 to all!  I hope you had a Blessed day with family or friends and if you didn't, I hope you found some joy in your day.  I spent the day in my hometown with most of my family and we had a great time.  A lot of laughs and a lot of food but when it's Thanksgiving, the food part is considered a norm.  

Honestly, I have been dreading this day for a while.  The thought of being around a large group of people gives me anxiety.  Ever since Q left my world, large groups just aren't for me.  Even Walmart is uncomfortable.  Especially on weekends. Anyway, I made Texas Roadhouse rolls and they were good but they sure didn't cut well.  They looked like someone took a hacksaw to them.  I think I cut them too soon.  And that Texas Roadhouse butter... you can't beat it.  I made it for the first time and it was GOOD!  I also made a roaster of chicken and noodles and they were good too.  But, they looked like a couple of kindergartners threw them in a pot, but hey...we can't win them all.  I feel like I can't cook or bake anything with any confidence anymore.  As long as I don't poison anyone,  I will take it as a win in my book.  For now.  I hope to get back to the level of cooking and baking that I used to do.  I thank God for the people around me that helped my food along.  

While I had such a great time being around those that I love so much, I left with a heavy heart and I felt quite numb.  I feel like people feel like they need to be careful around me.  I don't want people to feel that way.  If someone wants to ask questions about him, I will be glad to talk about him.  Let's just not talk about the ring ceremony thing, ok?  That's my huge struggle.  I hope someday to be able to talk about that without getting upset.  Someday.  Q and I didn't always spend our holidays together.  I'm telling you that if there was any hunting that could be done, I was on my own.  And he was never into sports so watching football was never fun for him but he did love to go see all the kids and play with them.  So the part of him not being by my side wasn't so bad.  It was the part where I didn't receive a call and hearing "Hey babe..." I can still hear his voice saying it. No text telling me some excited news from his adventures.  He sure made me smile.  He still makes me smile.  God I miss that man in my life.  I know he is in such a great place but I'm still lost at finding my place in this world.

I made a stop at the Lake of Three Fires and watched the geese for a little bit and just talked to Q and cried for a little bit.  It was refreshing and the wind had died down just enough to be able to be outside and enjoy it.  With his help from above, we came to a decision on what to do with our wedding rings when the times comes and that made my heart so happy.  Then on to my girl's house to meet her grandsons and just take a breather from life.  

It was a good day.  But I'm glad it only comes around once a year.  Now to prepare myself for the Christmas holidays.  I can breathe a little sigh of relief that I will be at work over Christmas so that will be a good distraction.  I love Christmas though so it should be bittersweet.  I keep telling these dogs to be good because Santa is watching.  Of course, I didn't say that until they destroyed some items that I can't replace but what can you do, right?  Well, since I threatened Santa, they have been angels.  I hope they can keep that up.  After that, I don't know what I will hold over their heads to behave.  Cupid?  That little Irish man?  I don't know, I will think of something.

Changing the subject now...

Do you have something in your home that your friends think you get a little over the top about?  Currently, my thing is shower curtains.  Sounds hilarious, doesn't it?  Well, I like shower curtains and I like to change them out for every season.  This just started when I knew I was going to be moving to town.  I have a regular shower curtain; a fall shower curtain; a Christmas shower curtain; an Easter shower curtain; 4th of July shower curtain.  I'm on the hunt for a Valentine's day shower curtain.  Weird, huh?  And with every shower curtain, calls for matching hooks because what fun would it be to have the same hooks year round?  I don't know why the sudden urge for these things but I do love them.  Maybe I just need some new scenery when I'm doing my business.  I should get a shower curtain with a picture of these three little monsters of mine.  I wonder what they would think of that!  The thought makes me giggle.

And I'm not going to lie, with every shower curtain, there is a matching valance and a matching rug.  I'm impossible but it makes me feel good.  Anyway, who says my friends aren't just boring and I'm just that fun, right??  What is your weird?

I don't even know what to talk about here but I am going to keep plugging away until you have been bored out of your minds.

I binge watched 3 seasons of Yellowstone in 2 1/2 days last week.  That was something I said I wasn't going to do.  No interest.  I don't like cowboys.  I'm terrified of horses. Sounds bland.  I have never liked westerns.  But I felt like every day someone was asking "Do you watch Yellowstone?"  or "What do you think is going to happen next on Yellowstone?"  Oh the horror!  But I remembered when my boss told me to watch The Walking Dead and I loved it.  At least for the first several seasons.  After a while, it was just the same thing every episode so that fizzled out.  I don't even care for that anymore.  I couldn't even tell you if it was still on!  HA! 

Anyway, so I couldn't stop watching this show after I forced myself to watch the first 2 episodes.  I am not a Beth Dutton fan but I sure do like Rip.  So I guess I like cowboys after all!!  I still don't like those horses though.  I need to expand my horizons on the shows though.  I don't have Netflix.  I don't have Hulu.  But I do have a stupid Roku TV and I do have Paramount+ and Peacock.  Now I just don't know what to watch! I can tell you that I am sick and tired of "Minute to Win It" and whatever that poker show is where you have to answer questions to get to 21 in cards.  

Last month, I started watching Bar Rescue from the beginning.  I got through 6 seasons and I feel like I know exactly the correct way to clean a bar and kitchen.  Not that I thought cleaning would ever be a problem but if I owned a bar, I would be terrified to have Jon Taffer come into my world.  Absolutely terrified.  I noticed after I started watching Bar Rescue, I started cooking more.  And then I started watching Hoarders from the beginning and then the house cleaning ensued and before you knew it, all my totes and boxes were emptied and put away.  I think I need to binge watch something about eating healthy now because I eat like crap.  

What is/was your favorite binge worthy show?

I guess I will close for now until some other subject pops up that I have an opinion about or that is quirky.  I am getting there.  I'm just lost a little bit.

I'm okay. We're okay.

 Well, I find myself back here.  I'm not sure what to do or what to blog about but I have been told by several to just do it.  Jump in and just start typing.

As many of you know, I lost my husband in May of this year.  Quintin was diagnosed a year ago, November 12th, 2020, with esophageal cancer.  He was 38 at the time.  He had a tumor in his esophagus that was full of cancer and it was just long enough that they could not go in and remove it.  The lymph nodes in his esophagus were full of cancer, as well as the top of his abdomen and into his liver.  He had what was called "cancer fluid" on the outside of his right lung but never penetrated, thankfully.  

He went through 5 weeks of radiation and in time the tumor shrunk. He also did a round and a half of chemo.  First round was 4 treatments and they were rough.  He was so sick and had no life outside of our bed.  He couldn't eat of course so they had to put in a feeding tube and he hated that but he did it because he had to have nutrition.  It was so rough watching him go through this.  After his first round of chemo, they did a scan to see if it looked like it was helping.  And it did look like it was helping! He had decided he wasn't going to do another treatment because of how sick he was.  He couldn't go anywhere.  He couldn't visit anyone.  He couldn't even go outside and do much because he would be so sick and he told me that wasn't how he wanted to go out.  

So, 2 more treatments and he physically could not handle it anymore.  He told them he was done for the time being.  After all, it was hunting season and he wasn't going to miss getting a turkey for the last time.  Priorities, right??  So off he went to find his Tom Turkey.  I can't remember if it was the first day or the second day but on one of those days I got a phone call from him.  "I'm on my way to the hospital.  Can you meet me there?"  It's not like it was the first time he had been there.  Heck, when he got his scan results telling him his liver was ate up, he was in the hospital and thanks to COVID, I wasn't even allowed to be with him to grieve with him.  We had to do that on video chat.  So unfair.  

So on that day when he was hunting, I found out that he had went to take a pee and noticed his urine was abnormally dark that day.  It was something we kept an eye on but it was dark enough he knew something was wrong.  He asked his buddy that he was with if he looked ok and his friend said he was REALLY yellow and he thought they should take him to the hospital.  So I met them there and they did some more tests and conferred with his medical team at Methodist and the worst news, although we knew it was coming, that he was in liver failure.  When that doctor told us, I thought I was going to faint.  I looked at Q and he just sighed a big sigh and said "Well, now what?"  The doctor said "Go hunting!  Go live."

I don't know how far down the line that was but we knew the clock was ticking.  He pretty much got what he wanted and got to do whatever he wanted from that point on.  "You can't" was no longer in my vocabulary because he was already getting the short end of the stick of life.  

Six months and 11 days was all we had to prepare ourselves to never see each other again; to never say "Hey babe" again; to never tell each other "I love you" again; to never get to kiss each other good night.  What I wouldn't give to have it all back with him happy and healthy but that just wasn't in the cards.  

There was a lot that went on in between this stuff but it's hard to remember timelines without digging out a bunch of notebooks that I have conveniently put out of mind for this very reason.  I can't live each day remembering every detail or I am going to drive myself insane.  And I don't know why I am here telling all this.  The majority of the people that will read this is on my Facebook and they read it as we went through it.  I guess this is just where my mind wanted to start.

I have been going through "firsts" and they suck!  The hardest first I have had was coming home from work and not hearing "Hey babe" when I walked in the door.  I had heard it every time I came in for the past 12 years.  That was a hard pill to swallow.  There were days on end that I would sit in my recliner, holding all three dogs on my lap, and just watch the door.  Waiting for this poorly executed joke to come to an end so I could have my life back.  

I know we all say "I can't live without you," but sometimes we have to.  We don't have a choice.  Life doesn't stop because a person stopped breathing.  The world doesn't stop moving because you are one less.  And it's a whole different life.  All the hopes and dreams and goals that Quintin and I had were now just my hopes and dreams and goals.  I didn't have ...don't have someone by my side to make that magic happen anymore.  So the hopes change and the dreams change and the goals as well and it's a sad, sad existence some days.

I talk to Quintin a lot.  When I'm frustrated because I'm failing at something I call out and ask him to help me and he does.  It's strange to say but he really does.  In little time a solution presents itself and that makes me smile.  I know he is here with me and encouraging me just like he always has been.  I can't see him but he is here and he is smiling because he knows I am doing it.  I am living and taking care of these three little monsters of ours and we are going to be okay.

Over the course of the past five and a half months, I have seen completely new sides to people that I thought I knew.  Both good sides and bad sides.  I have lashed out at people for the right reasons and for the wrong reasons and I have learned once again, that there are people who claim to love you but aren't willing to accept apologies. But you know what?  All that does is make me stronger and it takes so much drama out of my life!  

I have learned that not everything is worth saving. Whether it is some kind of relationship or some kind of trinket.  Not everything has to mean something.  I am learning that I have to watch both my front and my back because I don't have anyone here with me to do what Quintin did.  If I needed something, he was right there or he had a solution.  Now it's my turn to do that and make him smile down from the Heavens!  

I learned that I am not a country girl.  No thank you.  That was Quintin's dream and as long as he was there, I was proud to be by his side doing whatever needed but without him, that is no longer a dream for me.  I like living in town and the dogs have adapted pretty well.  But let me tell you something... for the short few years we lived away from town, I got pretty accustomed to the quietness of the country (except that wind that some days seemed like it was going to blow the house down) so when we moved to town, I said to the dogs, several times a day, "It sure is noisy in town."  How easily I had forgotten that!  

Some days I my personal fuse is tremendously short and that frustrates me.  Little things irritate me.  I was driving through Orient the other day and it was really windy and I was headed out of town, there were 2 trash cans that had blown out into the road.  Cars and trucks going both ways, slowing down to go around them and that irritated me. I slammed my car in park right in the middle of that highway, turned on my flashers and got out and moved both trash cans back to the nearest yard.  A guy sat in his truck and when I walked back to my car he rolled his window down and said "You need help?"  Are you freaking kidding me dude???  "I figured nobody else was going to get out and do anything so this seems like the obvious thing to do!"  Got back in my car and drove off with my middle finger in the air.  

Some days my emotions get the best of me.  I cry watching Bar Rescue if you believe that so I quit watching it.  You can only cry so many times about a bar getting cleaned up before you know this isn't for you.  Songs on the radio make me cry a lot.  I have learned to just let the tears roll and keep singing.  

I have a group that I has helped me and I have learned a lot from my "widowed sisters."  I have learned that it is okay to cry.  It's okay to be emotional about anything.  It's okay to stay in when the world wants you to be out. Nobody can tell you how you feel at any time and when you are grieving, nobody can help you through it if they haven't been through it themselves.  I believe that with every being of my soul.  Death is hard and the relationship you have with the deceased is different.  Whether it be your spouse, your child, your parent, your sibling... it is going to be a different grief.  And I'm experiencing mine.  The first person that tells me I need to get over it and move on will probably get punched in the face.  I will never get over this loss but I am moving on and I will be okay.  

I just need to learn to live without Quintin's physical presence.  I'm okay.  We're okay.  I am lost a lot of days.  I find I still have what they call Widow Brain.  It's a thing.  Look it up.  Someday I won't have it and that will be great but I will keep taking my punches as they come.

We are living our best life right now and that will just have to be enough.  The holidays are coming up and what I would love to do is hide from the world but I'm not going to do that.  I'm going to celebrate it with the people I love and the people who love me.  And I will smile and I will cry, but I will get through it and be okay.

I'm lost but I am finding my new self slowly.  I am not the same person I was once.  I have no desire to road trip or vacation or even take overnight trips.  I just want to be me in my new world and there are a few less people now to explain that too and it's amazing.  

I think I got it all off my chest.  Hopefully I will get back to this blogging business sooner rather than later because I really do enjoy it.  I will get some lighter material to slide in next time (I hope).  Until next time friends.  Thanks for reading.

This is a short snippet of a blog that was started back in April 2021.  Life was getting very rough so I imagine that is how I didn't get back to it.  And the fact that my heart was ripping from my very chest on a daily basis until it went to an hourly basis, I forgot about a lot of stuff along the way.  So feel free to read and don't anyone take too much personally.  It was hard to navigate life and death and the same time.

It's been a while since I've been here and it's the first time I've been here since hubby got diagnosed.  I usually do my updates on Facebook but I thought I would change it up a little since every time I think about stuff it leads to other topics.

So the last time I updated about Q, I said that the lesions on his liver were about 1/2 the size from when he first got diagnosed after just three chemo treatments.  He had already decided, before that appointment and before that scan, that he was done with chemo.  Days on end being sick and exhausted and having no life.  He wasn't going to go out like that.  Well, when we got those results back he decided he needed to try some more.  So he signed up for four more treatments.  Three of those treatments are done and in the books but the last one is going to have to wait until after turkey hunting season.  He isn't going to miss the funnest part of hunting season for nothing.  I am not going to stand in his way of that and I won't let anyone else either.

Many of you have talked to Q or seen him out and about and many of you have told me how good he looks.  We appreciate that.  He doesn't go out and about if he isn't feeling good and although we have been through this once, we are going through it again.  I have tried to mentally prepare myself for this very thing but I don't know that a person can prepare for it.  He is deteriorating; which I guess we all knew it was going to happen eventually.  I am just totally unprepared for it.  

I have spent day-after-day, night-after-night wondering if I would be able to recognize certain signs when it came to his health.  Questioning every move I make to help him.  His good days were so good that I was almost able to forget the bad parts for a little bit.  Now that he is back on the chemo, life is back to sadness, sickness and sleeping.  Not just for him but for me too.  It is so much easier to keep it in the shadows so we literally sleep anytime we can.  

We should be working on our house but we aren't.  Of course, right now he can't do much without paying for it over the next five days.  I have been struggling with finding a place to cry.  I refuse to let loose in front of him.  He worries enough the way it is.  He worries about what is going to happen to me and the dogs when he is gone.  Quintin is my home.  No matter where he is at, he is my home.  I tell him everyday.  

I tried crying in the shower.  It upset Wall-E and Matilda and they went and got Q's attention, so I told him the dogs were crazy.  Lord knows I can't cry on the drive home.  There are way too many deer for that!  So I'm still searching for that place.  When I find it, I will know.  I just hope I can unload when that happens.  I don't want sympathy.  I just want to type it all out.  I don't need any assurances that what I am doing or how I am feeling is normal because that doesn't matter to me.  I will go through whatever my heart and soul take me through.  But I am going to do it with strength.

Going through this has shown us a lot of things about those we love.  It doesn't matter the relationship, whether it is family or close friend, Q and I have both experienced the "pull away" in more than one way.  We both have had people in our lives that currently only talk to us if we reach out and call them.  They just don't call us.  We have had friends that decide for us that we have enough on our plates so they stop telling us about their lives.  I have already threatened one friend that she might have to wait a week until after something happens in our lives to even know about it. Nothing infuriates me more than someone telling me that I have enough on my plate.  GFY with that stuff!  I don't decide for you and you will not decide for me.