We all knew it would happen

Most of you already know about my niece Jackie.  They have confirmed that she has 3 pretty good sized masses on her spleen.  The biggest being 3.3cm.  Doesn't seem big until you're a dirty piece of cancer.  Lymphoma. 

We all knew this was going to happen.  The blog, not the cancer.  I have to start out and say that my sister is proving to be so much stronger than I ever thought she could be.  She talks to me on the phone and tells me what she found out, what she learned, who she talked to, what we need to do for Jackie...and I'm the sniveling, snorting, snotting one on the other end of the phone.  But only for a little bit.  When one of us starts crying, we are apologizing for it immediately...which makes us both start laughing and then we're better. 

I know Kathy can't be sleeping good because I am not sleeping good.  I have no clue what time I finally fell asleep last night.  I worked till midnight and I had made a hair appointment for this morning (so I was pretty ticked off at that alarm clock when it went off at 06:30).  Trying to make myself tired, I laid in bed and watched tv, listened to my mp3 player, made a list for every single thing under the sun, played word search on my phone, listened to ringtones on my apps, straightened out my dresser drawers.....yes, I was having a tough time getting to sleep.

My mind was on overdrive like never before.  There is nothing in this world that can make me understand why Jackie.....who has NEVER hurt ONE person or thing in this world.....who loves beyond compare.....has to get cancer.  The child lives with an extra chromosome, which is enough for her to deal with.  It's not fair!  I know, I know.  Life isn't fair Shellie.  When I am really struggling with something, I can't shut my mind off.  I don't let it happen too often. 

I know that Jackie isn't the first Down Syndrome person to get cancer and I also know that she won't be the last.  But I would bet it's pretty rare.  I would look it up but I'm too exhausted.  I also know she isn't the first child (and yes, even though she's 23, she's a child) to get cancer.  Actually, there are just too many children out there with this awful, devastating disease and that too, is not fair.  I know this kind of stuff happens for a reason.  But to kids???  WHY???

This morning, after I was so rudely awakened from my 15 minute interval napping session, I got ready and headed to Creston to get my hair done.  I made this appointment several days ago and was afraid that if I didn't just go do it today, I would probably not get it done for a long long time.  When I got there, I got checked in and sat down.  A lady came over and looked at me and immediately said, "You look like you could use a cup of coffee."  I would have rather just stuck my head in the pot and sucked in but figured they wouldn't appreciate that too much.  I took the coffee and within seconds, it was gone.  It was hot but I believe I am too numb to really feel anything.

While getting foiled and while drying, I would check Facebook messages and emails, send my responses, yada yada yada.  A tear here and there.  Someone would come over and ask me if everything was alright.  I would nod and smile (because I can't hear a thing over those hair dryers) and go back to what I was doing. 

The hair is fabulous, I have to say that.  They didn't want to do what I wanted done EXACTLY but, we came to a compromise that fitted me perfectly and I was excited about.  All the way home I was either looking at myself in the mirror or talking out loud so as to keep myself awake.  I texted the husband and told him not to call on his lunch break because I was beyond exhausted and needed a little sleep before going to work at 4pm.  I covered my bases.  I'm good.

Get home and was just laying down when Kathy texts me for information for Cindy.  I can't do this.  I have to get some sleep.  It's beyond necessity at this point.  It almost feels life threatening.  I lay there and toss and turn.  I kept thinking about a conversation I had the night before with someone about how I would like to get Kathy alone and let her just cry her heart out; to vent; to scream. I kept thinking about how we have cried together a little bit but she hasn't really let loose and that worries me.  I want her head and heart clear through this.  It's important.  For Jackie and for her. 

I tossed and turned but finally fell asleep.  Now, today's sleep wasn't just any kind of sleep.  It was one of those sleeps where you JUST start having a dream and then you wake up.  So I would start a dream...wake up...reposition...fall asleep...start a dream...wake up...reposition...rinse and repeat.  Once in a while I would hear a text message beep at me (one being my husband who was specifically told not to call me...isn't he smart) but I had to keep my sounds on in case Kathy or Jackie would call. 

In the very last dream, I remember Quintin and I were rearranging our bedroom and I told him to move the bed to another wall and as he was doing it, I saw this spider.  This very big, very limber spider.  I just knew it was looking at me and it started to run...FAST!!!  I screamed...and don't know why because I don't scream at spiders, I freeze...but in the dream I screamed for Q to get it.  He was busy moving the bed and told me he would do it in a minute.  I kept screaming and screaming and that bastard spider ran right for me and jumped up on my leg and I couldn't shake him off.   

I was awake.  I was out of bed.  And I wasn't getting back in it.  My alarm wasn't supposed to go off for another 20 minutes but that was okay.  I was still exhausted but that was okay.  I felt like a train wreck but that was okay.  I wasn't going back to dreamland because I didn't leave anything in there that I needed back. 
 

While getting myself woke up and ready for work, I got to crying.  That's when it hit me.  Here I am, so focused on getting Kathy to cry...to vent...that I kept myself from doing it.  I haven't even begun to let loose.  So I cried.  And I cried.  And cried some more.  Then I told myself I can't do this...even though I know it's what I NEED to do.  Everytime since I cried, when I start to tear up, I tell myself that there will be time for crying when the surgery is over and Jackie is feeling better.  And at the same time I'm telling myself this, that annoying, nasally voice in my head is telling me that I need to just do it.  LET LOOSE.  I can't do it.

I would give my life in an instant to keep Jackie safe, healthy and free from all evils of the world and beyond.  I would give my life for any of my nieces or nephews. 


Kathy had told me earlier in the day that she noticed Jackie was coughing more. I realized that Jackie has coughed for a long long time. My God! How long has she had this crap growing inside her?? Why weren't we watching for signs?? Why do we just assume we know the answers to everything and just because she's Jackie, that nothing else is going to happen to her?? Why can't we protect her better?? WHY WHY WHY????? I don't know how to cope with this. I really don't! I need to justify all of this in my head and I can't. I feel like a failure and a fraud. I feel like I have let her down because she is sick. And I know none of this has anything to do with me but I can't help but think I haven't loved her enough or something. I. AM. SO. FREAKING. MAD!!!

The question I keep asking myself over and over and over again is this:

Am I going to make it through this without falling off the edge?