It was time to teach mommy a lesson and he did a good job of it. Made me tear up a little bit, that's how much it hurt. So my first reaction was to make him get down off my lap but I didn't. He already knew that he had hurt mommy because he immediately started licking my hand, so I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him for something I practically forced him to do.
Okay, maybe he is a little bit spoiled.....by me.
Anyway, as I was sitting there nursing my hand and wondering just why he got so forceful, a light came on. In my head. I know it's hard to believe but it did. And it wasn't like "Oh that is bright." It was more like "What's that light at the end of this tunnel? Oh wait, it's getting bigger and bigger and......oh man, I get it now!"
My dog had just acted out in the manner that I had been feeling on the inside. I have been stewing about it for a few days now and it took that bite to bring this thought to a head.
I want to be the dog. I want to be the one that bites back. I want to be the aggressor. And then sanity (stop laughing) returns for a bit and I realize that the better person in me doesn't want to be that dog.
I am no angel. I am no saint. I am not perfect. I am not indestructible. I am not "not" afraid of anything. I am living and breathing proof that God intends for us to make mistakes, live with mistakes, learn from mistakes, and deal with consequences of mistakes.
So, why do I feel it necessary to start lashing out? Why do I feel like I need to shake those around me and "make" them at least TRY to understand things from my view? Why must I always be accepting of everyone else and nobody has to reciprocate?
Is that the "good" in us? Is that what makes us the "better" person? Those of us that can just turn the other cheek and move on? I have done it for years and years but then sometimes..... it's like the little plastic turkey popper..... I get "done." And then I want to lash out. I want to do whatever it takes to make the madness...the stupidity..come to an end. I want that immediate "feel better."
Ugh! I need my dad here. He would know exactly what to do.
I have people around me at work that love to cling to drama. They feel that they need to know why someone is reacting, how they are reacting, or why they aren't reacting. And if they aren't reacting in such a manner that is expected...junior high begins. The stories get twisted to fit the needs of those "outsiders" that are looking in. And then if that isn't bad enough, those same people are the ones bitching about the shit-stirrers and drama whores.
I want to bite. I want to just scream to these people to step back and look at the big picture! "Is the way you are reacting to this piddly BS going to matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean really, what the fuck are you fighting for here? Come to work, do your work, go home, live your life." Who gives a rat's ass if your co-worker is fighting with their spouse or if your co-workers kids got a bad report at school? I do not. At least not at work. If you want to talk to me about it as a "person" because you just need someone to talk to or vent to, you have my number. I will listen. And if I can help with a solution, I will. But let's not let this petty crap stand between us and our work. Please! I can not stand the stories, the crying, the back stabbing. Let's just grow the hell up people!!!
I have a gal in my life that is experiencing one of the greatest joys of life... motherhood... and I will never be able to share that with her. I will never be a part of that child's life and no matter how I choose to tell this person, she. just. doesn't. get. it. Understand, I played a huge role in that outcome. I was dealt a hand of cards that I did not play good, or fair. But I played them. I played them for her. And no matter what I say or what I do, I will forever be penalized for that. But, I deal with that. And I think I do a pretty good job of it, too. I am expected to ride in a car with her next month to go visit relatives that are going to be in the area and as much as I would give my right arm to see them, the thought of riding in the car with her, knowing that she is going to want to talk about her baby and the life that she has planned for herself and her little family...a family that I can only have limited access to, makes me furious. And sad. And mad. And I'm not 100% sure I am going to go. I have no clue how to handle this situation.
Like I said: I played the cards that got me in this situation. I still want to bite though. I want to bite every single person that had any one thing to do with that whole thing. This definitely turned out to be one of those "I'd do it for you but you won't do it for me" kind of things. There is a song and it escapes me now.....Something to the effect of dying for someone who wouldn't die for you. Don't get me wrong. I would never ask anyone to die for me and I'm not doing that now. But, every time I hear that song, it takes me right back to her. Granted, I will love her till my last breath but for the love of all that is holy and right, why do I have to be subjected over and over, to something...to someone...that I can never have access to? To someone that will not be a part of my life? Wouldn't it just be easier to break all ties? I don't want to "win." Hell, I don't even want to fight. I just want life to be easy for a change.
The song.....
I don't know if it is the weather...the season...but something had me all tied up in knots. The smallest things make my stomach turn. The more ridiculous the person's reactions to things, the less I want to be around them. Oh how easy it would be to just turn and walk away and break all these ties. But then I remember..... these are people IN my life. They are ALWAYS going to be there in some way.
You can run but you can't hide. So I want to bite. Some days I just want to dig my teeth in and tear that shit up. Today is one of those days and I don't like the person that I am inside.
Someone just made a comment to me today on Facebook about how they have seen my soul and it's beautiful. They couldn't be more wrong actually. I feel like my soul is black and empty today. I know it will change. I just don't know when it will change.
I just hope I haven't bitten by then.
Okay, maybe he is a little bit spoiled.....by me.
Anyway, as I was sitting there nursing my hand and wondering just why he got so forceful, a light came on. In my head. I know it's hard to believe but it did. And it wasn't like "Oh that is bright." It was more like "What's that light at the end of this tunnel? Oh wait, it's getting bigger and bigger and......oh man, I get it now!"
My dog had just acted out in the manner that I had been feeling on the inside. I have been stewing about it for a few days now and it took that bite to bring this thought to a head.
I want to be the dog. I want to be the one that bites back. I want to be the aggressor. And then sanity (stop laughing) returns for a bit and I realize that the better person in me doesn't want to be that dog.
I am no angel. I am no saint. I am not perfect. I am not indestructible. I am not "not" afraid of anything. I am living and breathing proof that God intends for us to make mistakes, live with mistakes, learn from mistakes, and deal with consequences of mistakes.
So, why do I feel it necessary to start lashing out? Why do I feel like I need to shake those around me and "make" them at least TRY to understand things from my view? Why must I always be accepting of everyone else and nobody has to reciprocate?
Is that the "good" in us? Is that what makes us the "better" person? Those of us that can just turn the other cheek and move on? I have done it for years and years but then sometimes..... it's like the little plastic turkey popper..... I get "done." And then I want to lash out. I want to do whatever it takes to make the madness...the stupidity..come to an end. I want that immediate "feel better."
Ugh! I need my dad here. He would know exactly what to do.
I have people around me at work that love to cling to drama. They feel that they need to know why someone is reacting, how they are reacting, or why they aren't reacting. And if they aren't reacting in such a manner that is expected...junior high begins. The stories get twisted to fit the needs of those "outsiders" that are looking in. And then if that isn't bad enough, those same people are the ones bitching about the shit-stirrers and drama whores.
I want to bite. I want to just scream to these people to step back and look at the big picture! "Is the way you are reacting to this piddly BS going to matter in the grand scheme of things? I mean really, what the fuck are you fighting for here? Come to work, do your work, go home, live your life." Who gives a rat's ass if your co-worker is fighting with their spouse or if your co-workers kids got a bad report at school? I do not. At least not at work. If you want to talk to me about it as a "person" because you just need someone to talk to or vent to, you have my number. I will listen. And if I can help with a solution, I will. But let's not let this petty crap stand between us and our work. Please! I can not stand the stories, the crying, the back stabbing. Let's just grow the hell up people!!!
I have a gal in my life that is experiencing one of the greatest joys of life... motherhood... and I will never be able to share that with her. I will never be a part of that child's life and no matter how I choose to tell this person, she. just. doesn't. get. it. Understand, I played a huge role in that outcome. I was dealt a hand of cards that I did not play good, or fair. But I played them. I played them for her. And no matter what I say or what I do, I will forever be penalized for that. But, I deal with that. And I think I do a pretty good job of it, too. I am expected to ride in a car with her next month to go visit relatives that are going to be in the area and as much as I would give my right arm to see them, the thought of riding in the car with her, knowing that she is going to want to talk about her baby and the life that she has planned for herself and her little family...a family that I can only have limited access to, makes me furious. And sad. And mad. And I'm not 100% sure I am going to go. I have no clue how to handle this situation.
Like I said: I played the cards that got me in this situation. I still want to bite though. I want to bite every single person that had any one thing to do with that whole thing. This definitely turned out to be one of those "I'd do it for you but you won't do it for me" kind of things. There is a song and it escapes me now.....Something to the effect of dying for someone who wouldn't die for you. Don't get me wrong. I would never ask anyone to die for me and I'm not doing that now. But, every time I hear that song, it takes me right back to her. Granted, I will love her till my last breath but for the love of all that is holy and right, why do I have to be subjected over and over, to something...to someone...that I can never have access to? To someone that will not be a part of my life? Wouldn't it just be easier to break all ties? I don't want to "win." Hell, I don't even want to fight. I just want life to be easy for a change.
The song.....
I don't know if it is the weather...the season...but something had me all tied up in knots. The smallest things make my stomach turn. The more ridiculous the person's reactions to things, the less I want to be around them. Oh how easy it would be to just turn and walk away and break all these ties. But then I remember..... these are people IN my life. They are ALWAYS going to be there in some way.
You can run but you can't hide. So I want to bite. Some days I just want to dig my teeth in and tear that shit up. Today is one of those days and I don't like the person that I am inside.
Someone just made a comment to me today on Facebook about how they have seen my soul and it's beautiful. They couldn't be more wrong actually. I feel like my soul is black and empty today. I know it will change. I just don't know when it will change.
I just hope I haven't bitten by then.
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