The verdict is in

My heart is in shreds tonight.  I have experienced so many emotions.  It has been a roller coaster to say the least.  I had to stop listening because I got so worked up over it but now I'm listening again.  Just to the tv.  Not to the scanner this time.  I feel numb. 

One night at work, I heard a deputy in a neighboring county get his ass handed to him on the radio.  I didn't know at the time, that was what I was listening to though.  I thought he was running and yelling into the radio because he was so out of breath.  What I didn't know was that his own dispatcher could not hear him.   And I was sick about it for a while.  Then I found out more facts about that situation and didn't feel quite so bad about it.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't wish any officer to get beat on but in the same breath, I expect every officer to follow protocol.  Anyway.....that "sick" was nothing like the "sick" I felt tonight.  Funny how many different sicks you can experience.   

The verdict was given in the Michael Brown/Officer Darin Wilson shooting in Ferguson, MO.  Officer Wilson was not indicted on any charges in this case and as the people in Ferguson were standing out in the streets listening to the speech that the prosecutor was giving from inside the courthouse, I thought for a split second "This just might be okay after all."  I guess I thought the very instant they heard there were no charges against this man, complete mayhem would erupt.  But it didn't.  At least not right away.

And then.....all hell started to break loose.  I'm sure you've seen the police car that was basically destroyed right after the verdict was given.  They started rocking it, then throwing things at it, and then breaking the windows and trying to tear stuff out of it.  Ridiculous!  I will never, for the life of me, understand the logic behind looting and/or rioting.  I do not understand, nor will I ever understand, how any one of these people could think, for one minute, that what they were about to do, would be a positive thing.  How do they justify their actions?

Here is just a short list of what I listened to tonight on the scanner. I had to stop watching it on tv to keep up with it on the scanner.  These were not only from officer's but from dispatchers.  It is about an hour's worth of sheer terror for so many. Just an hour!

-The Toys R Us is being looted
-Now they are moving onto the Walmart
-Looters going to the Sonic restaurant now
-We are evacuating a residence here, it is fully engulfed
-Now there is a car fire at Toys R Us
-We have a business on fire
-Need someone to respond to the police department for looters/vandals
-We now have looters and are declaring a code 3000
-15-20 vehicles leaving the scene now
-We have a second business on fire

I found myself praying constantly.  Asking God to help these people.  All of them.  Asking Him to make the rioters realize that what they are doing is not solving anything but instead making matters worse.  Asking Him to be with ALL responders.  From the dispatchers, to the police, to the firemen, to the EMS crews, to the civil defense people.

-We need more manpower, we can't keep up with these fires
-They are throwing Molotov cocktails off the roof now
-We have a 3rd building on fire now
-Paging out National Guard to cover another area for fire/looters
-We have residential alarms going off
-We have looters at O'Reilly's Auto Parts
-The media is getting blocked in by fire 
-We have heavy gunfire now
-We (firemen) are going to have to retreat from this fire because of shots    being fired at us
-Looters at Aldi's

I do not know how I would respond if these were my guys; my people.  I do not know if I could keep my composure like my fellow dispatchers were doing tonight.  I would love to think that I would be strong and do the job before me and then crumble at a later date but nobody knows until something happens.  I hope it never does though.  How do you think you would handle it if your guys didn't respond to you?  Compare it to someone you really and truly love with every ounce of your being.....that's how close we become with our law enforcement family...and imagine being on the phone with them while they are fighting for their life and you are trying to ask them to talk to you; to tell you where they are; to ask them who is hurting them.  But they can't answer you.  For whatever reason.  Yeah...imagine how your heart would feel.  Some of the dispatchers were having a terrible time hearing their guys and that's frustrating enough.  

As a dispatcher, it is a huge punch in the stomach when one of your guys doesn't answer you on the radio.  And if they don't answer their phone, the stomach churning just gets worse.  I have only had it happen a couple of times luckily and I know how I felt then.  

-Fire/looters at Walgreens
-We have 2 officers not responding now
-We have a car/tree accident
-Need you at such-and-such address for a domestic situation
-In front of the Burger King & Krispy Creme there are two men with assault rifles wrapped up
-O'Reilly's is fully engulfed at this time
-Red's BBQ is on fire.  We have 50-70 people here all with weapons
-We have a male shooting cars at the bus stop
-We have several break-ins
-They are breaking into the city hall now

Now imagine, as a dispatcher, having to make the determination on which call is more important than what; having to make the decision to pull someone off of one thing to cover another.  On top of their everyday calls that they have to take care of and dispatch for, now they had this!  Every dispatcher was calm, cool and collected.  Their voices never wavered even though I know they wanted to because mine already was for them.  I silently prayed that my guys stayed in the office for the rest of my shift because I was so shaken by the things I was hearing, I didn't know if I even had the voice to answer them on the radio. 

-We have an overdose and need an ambulance
-The Taco Bell and Auto Tire are being looted right now.  They drove a car through  the front of it and there are 60-70 looters.
-We have a subject laying in the bed of a truck firing off rounds
-Shots fired at Taco Bell
-We need an ambulance for a subject feeling paranoid (I wonder why)
-We have a residence with the basement windows broken out and the homeowners  didn't have a clue that anything was going on (Really?  How did that happen?)

I heard they were having problems in Seattle, San Franciso, and Oakland at this time also.  And I don't get that either because.....WHY?  Just why?  Isn't it enough that the "locals and not quite so locals" from around the Ferguson area were wreaking havoc, that elsewhere in the country we had to show our stupidity?  And that's my opinion of it all.  Damn stupidity!  I am so angry right now.  

An off-duty dispatcher that is in a mutual online group as me, hears her own troopers scream out for help.  How sickening!  For 30 minutes, he was not responding for whatever reason and it was heart wrenching.  Trooper 987 was in my heart and I don't even know him!  I can only imagine how that dispatcher felt.  No, that's not true.  I can not imagine!  I hope to never be in that situation.  I kept thinking that I need to do something.  I need to do something for St. Louis County, Missouri.  I need to do something for Trooper 987.  I felt so helpless and the more I listened, the more I prayed that my guys would stay safe.  Every day.  Every night.  Every shift.  In every situation.  I would sure be an angry woman if someone intentionally hurt my guys.

These are not my officers but these are officers of people that I chat with and correspond with on an almost daily basis.  These are people that I am welcome to rant to when I am having a bad day. When I need to rant.  So yeah, this pulls at my heartstrings a little bit.  When one of them hurts, all of us hurts.

Another thing that keeps getting brought up on tv is "Why did they give the verdict on a Monday night? Why didn't they wait until Tuesday morning?  Why didn't they do it when they had more people to help?  Why not wait for daylight?"  Seriously???  I don't even know what the hell that means!!!  More people would be "out and about" during the day.  More kids would be at risk.  More traffic on the streets for whatever reasons. We knew that it was going to be an "any day, any minute" situation for the past week!  Come on!   I do not believe that daylight was going to save this scenario.  No...it was way too publicized for that.  This thing was headed for the shitter right from the beginning. 

And guess what?  After all this stupidity; after all this mess.....Michael Brown will still be dead.  Don't get me wrong, I am sorry that anybody had to die.  Now, how is THIS helping the situation?  How is THIS honoring his memory in any way?  How is THIS going to help his family cope with it?  Whether or not you agree with the jury's decision, you absolutely have to agree that this got way out of hand for all the wrong reasons.  Michael Brown's family wanted this to be a positive change for Ferguson.  Not this hot mess.  

As I look at the tv now...after an hour.....so many vehicle's fully engulfed in flames, the Governor has ordered more National Guard come in to help.  Wouldn't it have been smarter to have had too many to begin with and not enough?  What do I know.  Currently, about a dozen buildings burning but guess what?  Nobody was seriously hurt.  Nobody.  Now...there were some injuries but nothing life-threatening.  Hallelujah!

I feel a lot better now.  I was able to get a lot off my mind.  Maybe I can get some sleep tonight.  I guess time will tell.  Thanks for listening.  Until next time.....I will be counting my blessings for the small department that I work in, being grateful for working with such great people, and smiling at life, knowing that I do not have to live in a situation like this. At least not today.