Sorting it out #2

Hey there! What a coincidence we meet here!!!  AGAIN!!!  I don't know if I'm ready for part 2 but I will give it the good ole college try.  

Today I am going to start with the word resilient.  The definition of resilient is "able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions."  

I would have never thought that there would be a time in my life when I wasn't thrilled to be resilient but I will admit, after losing Quintin, I was too exhausted to be just that.  People kept telling me that I was (and still am) strong and resilient and all I wanted for myself was to not be that strong, resilient person.  I wanted to be weak and hide but it was expected of me to be strong and show the world that I succeeded.  And anyway.... who was going to take care of me if I couldn't take care of myself, right?

When people tell you things, over and over, you tell yourself you have to be just that.  I know it was all with good intentions and unless you have been through it, you will never understand.  It is exhausting being strong for everyone else.  And anyone can say all day long "you don't have to be strong for me," but the minute you let your guard down.... the minute you show the tiniest bit of weakness... that's when you get that "sad look" and people think you are depressed and can't handle life and possibly need a therapist or medicine to get you through.  See why trying to be resilient is easier??

Here's what I want.  No, here's what I need.  Finally deciding to put this out there for the world to try to understand.  I am damn sick and tired of being strong.  I am over it.  I want softness and ease yet I do not want to let anyone down.  Am I going to?  Yes.  Yes I am because I have to put me first finally.  I have never done this and I don't really know what I'm doing.  I don't need a guide.  Please let me figure this out on my own.  

I am tired of being built up.  I know that probably sounds stupid but it's how I feel.  I don't need to be built up.  The only thing I need is help holding myself up when I need it the most.  If I don't reach out as much as I used to, please don't take it personally.  This girl needs to learn to relax and just breathe for a change.  I have no idea what this life is about because it's just me so it is going to take a long time for me to figure out what I want and what I don't want, going forward.  

 So, there's that word vomit all over the page.  If I could add just one more piece of advice to every person on the earth.  When someone is openly grieving..... and I say openly because we grieve forever but in the first shocking moments it is an open grieve.... no matter how long they grieve... because every person takes a different amount of time.  Anyway, back to what I was saying; please, please, please never, ever tell someone "I didn't want to say/do/come around because I thought you had enough on your plate."  Nobody gets to tell another person when they have enough on their plate.  They will tell you when their breaking point is near.  Just be considerate.  

Thanks for reading.  My heart broke writing this.