My Inner Struggles

For all that is rough and rocky, here I am. Can't get to sleep tonight and on those nights when I can get to sleep at a decent time, I can't stay asleep. This is actually the second time I have started a blog tonight. The first attempt let me get several paragraphs into it before it shut me out and didn't save anything I had typed. That's what I get for trying to blog on my phone I guess. Back to the living room.

For many months I have had so many health issues that I'm just tired of them now. I have done my best not to harp on them because what good does that do me? None. Just deal with it and move on. Since Thanksgiving, I have had the weirdest stuff go on. I'm not going to go into detail on most of those things but 2 rounds of hives that made me want to tear my skin off, a bladder infection that made me fear my whole inside was about to explode and slide right out of my body, body aches in places that shouldn't be achy, and it has all led up to those lousy kidney stones! And the stomach aches! Ugh, let's talk about those stupid things. Is that normal to have with kidney stones??? The sudden urge to regurgitate all you've eaten the past 24 hours? I have yet to actually vomit but it's been close.

No need to announce it I guess but these little stones are painful. And I consider this one very little. 1.75 cm. I have had stones in the past but they have always been so small that I would never know when they pass but this one they said wasn't coming out without some assistance. My sister had one a year or two ago and it was 10 cm. So she is probably going to tell me to shut up a lot when we go to the city for my procedure. Hahaha yeah, she's going to say that! I also expect to hear “Glad it's you,” because she has already told me this at least twice. Thanks for the support sister! I will suffer in silence as much as possible just for her sake. When she went in for her procedure, she asked if she could have the rocks when they were done so she could re-gravel her driveway. Funny but terrifying all the same.

These past couple of months, I have tried to just drink, drink, drink but nothing helps. I have tried medicine after medicine with no relief whatsoever. I'm done paying for meds that don't do anything to help me. Soon this little issue will be taken care of and it will be on to the next thing. Bring. It. On.

I am a side sleeper and I sleep on my right side which is funny to me, since I'm left handed. Maybe I do that so my dominant hand is ready to reach out and slap someone. I don't know. For a little bit each night that I am lucky enough to sleep in my bed, I fear my husband may just get it for doing nothing at all. It could happen. You never know. Anyway, this damned kidney stone is on my right side so sleeping on the right has been pure evil. The flank pain is on my left side though which again, makes no sense to me but whatever. It makes it almost impossible to sleep on that side too. It is just recently that I can't lay on my right side for very long without waking up in pain so life is a little challenging these days. And if that isn't bad enough, needing to pee multiple times a night and not being very successful in that, doesn't help. So, I feel like I'm always tired.

Apparently not tired enough to go to sleep, stay asleep, or even sleep through the pain. I can't wait for this crap to be over and done with.

So for hours and hours a day, I get to think about things. Things that make me sad; things that made me mad; things that I need to get done; things that we have already gotten done/ trying to find solutions to my current problems. And just like that, pain creeps forth and almost doubles me over. Seriously, no rhyme or reason to this! I keep trying to find a position or a way to help get some relief but nothing works.

My favorite part of this is when I go out in public and it hits me. The other day, while shopping with my sister, right smack in the middle of Gordman's I just stopped and doubled over. It doesn't relieve my pain to double over but when your body says you are going to bend at a ninety degree angle, you do it! My sister...she's so funny. She just kept walking, thinking I was right behind her, just chatting away; and she finally realizes I'm not there and turns around and says “Oh, what you doing?” Don't mind me sis, I'm just trying to pass a kidney stone in one of these purses hanging here.

The other day, in the restroom at Menards, me thinking I was the only one in there, I let out a loud gasp and followed up with a terrible moan. (It hurts, okay??) And if that's not bad enough, I have picked up this weird breathing pattern when I go potty. It has to sound something like a woman going through contractions! “she she phew...she she phew.” That's what it sounds like. Anyway, that's when I found out this particular day that I wasn't alone. Who says you can't make yourself blush??? I can only imagine what that poor woman thought was going on in the stall 2 doors down from her. I didn't stick around to find out either. I got the hell out of there. Seriously dumb! I check all stalls now when I'm in a public restroom just to save myself the embarrassment.

I keep telling myself that almost everyone goes through this at some point. Just deal with it and move on. You aren't going to die, Shellie. STOP BEING A BABY! I tell myself that there are so many other things that could be going on; worse things, so don't make a big deal out of this. And this little furbaby of ours, she wants to be with me all the time. Like now for instance. She could be upstairs in bed, taking over my little area she allows me to sleep on but no, she is asleep right beside me in the chair, dreaming away. She's funny. Her ears are going crazy and she must be running in her sleep because her little paws are tapping away at my leg. Probably chasing a squirrel again. She does help keep me calm though because when she's on my lap, I am extra careful not to disturb her even if that means I have to ignore myself as long as I possibly can. I mean, it isn't 100% effective with pain control but it helps. So I guess she is my medicine! Cute little turd anyway.

We are getting ready to start moving some big stuff to the country house. It won't be long and we will be living there full-time. I'm ready. I just wonder how long it is going to take me to get more of this stuff packed up and moved before the actual moving day! Yes, I'm one of those people. Move all the small stuff that I can live without now so it's out of the way for the big day. I'm ready to get that kitchen finished up and unpack everything that I can. I just need some warmer days, some less painful days, and patience. Anybody got any of those things laying around? Yeah, me neither!

So that's how things are going for me. Getting older is proving to be a lot of fun. November will be the big 50 for me. Most days I feel like I'm fresh out of high school still and then there are days like today where I feel like that big 5-0 hit long ago and knocked the life out of me and left me for dead.

This too shall pass. I'm just really anxious for it to pass. Quite literally.

The Will To Go On

So, the blog below (printed in red)  was originally written 11/9/2014 and now that I go back and read it, it makes me laugh.  It deserves an update so here goes (obviously in green, right?).

I have been planning this blog in my head for a couple of days now so I hope the transition from my head to my fingertips to this computer goes smoothly.  You never know!

In my most recent blog, I told you that we have been going through some changes at work and that our Sheriff stepped down and one of the Deputies is now the Sheriff.  So.....in all that mess, we had to replace one.  So the hiring process began and that made a lot of us nervous.  Who knew what asshole we could possibly get stuck with!!  As a dispatcher, it makes a world of difference because these are the people you are going to spend a lot of time with.  *As with everything else great in life, I wish I could have some more time.

So they go and hire this guy from the police department in a neighboring town...partly still in our county...but works for another county.  I know...it's confusing.  And kinda dumb.  Whatever.  When I heard we had hired him, my heart literally sank.  We had just hired the biggest traffic Nazi in the whole western state of Iowa.  That was MY opinion, at least.  I couldn't believe it.  I just knew that once he was working nights: 

I would never be able to leave my work chair again.  *I left my chair.  Many times.

I would never again eat a hot meal at work. *Our night crew has shared so many foodie nights at work, it's not funny!  Whether it be for someone's birthday or just because we wanted to share a meal together.  Those are never going to be the same.

I would never get to see The Big Bang Theory all the way through while on duty. * Just ended up putting on DVR and now they are taking it off the air anyway! Boo!

I would forever and ever be in traffic hell! *With the latest in technology, I have not been in traffic hell.  Go figure!

I was going to hate this guy.  Oh hell, let's be honest, I already hated him!  I heard him on the radio all the time running this car and that car and asking for all kinds of information from passerby's on the interstate.  Ugh!  "That's it!  At least I am going to tell the Sheriff how I feel about this!"  

And I did.  I walked right up to him as he was doing paperwork and said "I cannot believe you hired "HIM."  Of all the people on this earth, you hired the biggest traffic Nazi out there!  Not to mention a 20-something "I know all, I am all" little puke! *For the record, he is and has never been one of those guys.  He is one of the most kind hearted men I will ever have the honor of knowing and working with.   I just want you to know that I am going to HATE working with him and when he sits on the interstate and runs traffic for a full 8 hours, I will be calling YOU when he goes home because I will want to inconvenience you like I will be inconvenienced."  *Nope, never had to do this.  Oh this makes me laugh!

Oh that Sheriff!  He laughed at me.  He told me to relax and breathe.  He said it will be alright and that he takes full responsibility for the actions of "HIM."  He assured me that once I got to know him, I would see how he really is.  Oh I know how he really is dude.  I listen to him on the radio almost every night now and fantasize about tying his tongue in a knot.  Let the stress begin!  *While I can't fully admit there haven't been times I still want to tie his tongue in a knot, I can honestly say that hiring this man...this was one of the best things our Sheriff has ever done.

I made it clear to every person I talked to that I did not like this guy and had no plans to ever like him or like working with him.  That was my story and I was sticking to it.  The first night that we worked together, he was riding with another Deputy and I couldn't find a sense of humor on this guy to save my life. *Which is hilarious to me now because he has the BEST sense of humor ever!   At this point, I figured my days here were numbered.  The thought of working with someone that I absolutely couldn't stand was more than I was willing to go through.....again.  *And now that he has moved on, I wonder how things will be without him.  Funny how that happens.  

If any of you remember, I had a rough start with the previous "FNG" and I didn't want a repeat of that.  Definitely not worth it.  

So the first night that this guy is on duty solo, guess what he does?  He stops my husband.  Oh yes, he did.  And I just knew it was going to go downhill from there.  If my co-workers thought I was a stubborn bitch now...well, they hadn't seen anything yet.  Needless to say it was a couple of days before he and I had any face-to-face contact.

Well now...for the sake of my fingertips and your sanity, I will fast forward a few months.  As of today, this guy has hurt my feelings and been a real dick cheese to me; but I have to say that he did not hurt my feelings intentionally and that whole dick cheese thing...well I was probably just as bad to him so I'll let it slide.  It does come with the job sometimes.  But I make sure he knows when he's being a dick cheese.  *While I don't remember what exactly this whole thing was about, I will say that we have had our moments.  I have pissed him off.  He has pissed me off.  But no matter what, we always talk it out.  Every time.  

I have sent this guy a Facebook friend request and within 24 hours, rescinded it.  Luckily he hadn't accepted at that point or it might have just turned ugly.  He actually sent me a request after that and I didn't accept it.  (I'll show him who's stubborn!)  We have "bonded" over coffee and think we finally have each other figured out.  He's a dick cheese and I'm the Queen.  Yep!  That's my story and I'm sticking to it! *He is not a dick cheese.  I repeat:  NOT A DICK CHEESE! Sometimes a dick, just not to me.  

We are now friends.  *We are more than that.  We are BFF's just like he said.  Damn him!  I mean who couldn't be friends with a guy that:

*is an animal lover *Meg, if you're reading this, the girls need a puppy!

*is a coffee drinker...and loves hazelnut creamer!  BONUS!

*is a Walking Dead fan *Even though neither of us have watched this past season at all.

*is left-handed (like me!)  *In our right minds!

*is quick witted and has a fantastic sense of humor (Yes it took a while but it came out)  

*is a quick thinker

*is ready to help when it is asked of him and ready to do his job to the best of his ability

*pretty health-conscious overall  *Pretty?  Psssssh, he is just a tad too health conscious for me!

*****holds his wife up on a pedestal and tells the world how hot she is and how in love he is with her.  (There is a reason this gets 5 stars you know!) I told him it is rare to hear men talk about their wives like that and it is very refreshing.  *I have met his wife...........she's just as amazing; a lovely gal that I am honored to be friends with.  And their kids......don't even get me started because I am just in love with those little turds!!!

This guy is adorable on so many levels and I absolutely look forward to working with him.  Even if he does make me do more work than the others!!!  We get along great and eventually I foresee a brother/sister kind of relationship. Ummm, that happened!  I already find myself asking him all kinds of advice about work.  He and his wife...whom I will probably never get to meet because he's a big chicken shit...*or not... are expecting their first baby in the near future.  I am SO freaking excited for them!!!  He is going to be such a wonderful daddy and it is fun to watch these tough guys turn soft when it comes to a little baby. *Two beautiful daughters later and yeah, he is a wonderful daddy.  Watching him go from tough guy to gentle lion has been amazing.  Those girls are lucky to have him.    

  

For the record, I have told every person in my office how I misjudged this man AND I have even told him.  More than once.  We honestly could not have asked for a better man to represent our county and keep our roads safe.  *And now he has moved on and as sad as it has been to get through this emotional roller coaster, I couldn't be prouder of the cop he has become.  He is truly one of the best and reminds me so much of my dad.  

I know it's rare to see but I was so completely wrong about this guy...even though he has made me doubt it once or twice.  Yep, I won't judge another until I know the full story and have lived the misery.  

Oh hell, who am I kidding??? We will have another new Deputy the first of the year and I'm sure my world will turn crazy again.  Oh well, at least I'll have my new friend to talk me off that ledge!!  -_-  *How lucky am I that the "new guy" back then has turned into just as good a friend as this one.  I truly couldn't be any luckier than I am in the co-worker friend department.  There are just some people...no matter where life takes you...you just can't ever give up.

Well there you have it.  I hope you enjoyed that little tidbit.  Now on to bigger and better things.  Who knows where the next blog is going to end up!  Until next time...thanks for reading!!!

I am hoping this emotional roller coaster is about to come to an end.  Sarcasm, sadness, bitterness, sadness, anger, sadness, contentedness.  But I know that sadness isn't done with me yet.  Many days and nights have been spent shedding tears and as much as I know my heart is sad, I also know my heart is full and proud.  Just wait until the next shift where I'm supposed to be scheduled with him.  It's not going to be easy and it's not going to be pretty.  Best of luck to you my dear friend, Will.  You will be hearing from me soon!  
"Always Stay Safe!"

Don't let life get in the way

It's a very cold, very windy day.  Just when I think I know which direction the wind is coming from, it feels as though it whips around from another direction.  The smartest thing anyone can do today...and tomorrow...is stay inside as much as possible.  It's going to get worse before it gets better.  

My heart matches the weather today though.  Cold and mean and mad at the world.  I am trying not to let life get in the way but sometimes it's just too much.  Sometimes we just have to feel cold and mean and mad in order to get through the day.  

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I'm not quite ready to spill my guts about anything in particular but I feel like I need to touch base with you from my heart about friendships.  I have blogged about friendships before.  Possibly boring you to tears.  The way I see it is just when you think all your ducks are in a row and life is shining brightly down and around you, that one stupid duck has to wreak havoc and the clouds settle in right over you and envelope you with darkness.  

I'm sure you've all heard the saying about how friends can go long times without ever seeing each other and then you can pick up right where you left off.  If you are one of those people, kudos to you.  I have a hard time believing this of real, true friends.  I feel that if you go too long, you are missing the milestones, the jokes, the stories, the laughter of everything that has passed between two people. In all that goodness, you are also missing something else.  There are the hardships, the bad days, and the struggles that you and your friend are going through.  

Life is rough and demanding and sometimes demeaning.  When we lose touch with that one person who could always talk it out or problem-solve with us, we tend to look for others to fill that void.  I don't know how many times I have said "Let's get together one of these days" and then not follow up on that.  It's because life gets in the way!  It's a cruel reality but I firmly believe it is true.  

What is it that makes someone a real, true friend? I would love to hear your comments on that.  

I think it is interesting to see what is valuable to one person and what is valuable to another because we all have a different idea of what we expect of others.  There are no right or wrong answers.  My thoughts on that are that a person is there...whether in person, on the phone, or even by text messaging whenever they can be; and I realize we can't all be available all the time.  Work gets hectic, family life exhausts us.  I really only talk to a few people on the phone and I think that is because that's what I do at work...I talk to people.  And it gets exhausting.  It doesn't mean I don't care about what my friends are doing or going through.  It means that I need to communicate with them in a different way.  Face to face has always been my favorite mode of communication.  I need to get better at communication which is funny since that's the line of work I am in. 

 I need to get better at being a better person.  A better friend.  

We are trying to get the house we are currently living in finished up so we can move this spring.  And as soon as the weather cooperates we will be working on the country house to get it done just enough to move in and finish as we go.  It will be non-stop this-and-that for at least another year.  We are short-handed at work and my priority has always been to be available there.  It's an important job.  Not just anyone can walk in and do it.  So I want to do it.  I love to do it.  

See what I mean about life getting in the way?  Why do we let our friendships take the back burner when we get bogged down with "things" that we want to get done?  Why do we let each other do that?  Why can't we speak up and say "Hey, I feel like you're ignoring me. Let's fix that."  We don't do it and we won't do it because we don't want to inconvenience anybody.  Life has taught us that our problems and our struggles can wait until someone can spare a minute.  

I just want to urge you to reach out to your friends and make a plan.  See them, spend time with them; even if it is just for an hour at a time.  It's important.  If you haven't seen your friend(s) for a long time, it will probably be a visit or two just to get caught up with the past.  Stop letting life get in the way of the important things.  I'm not saying take time away from your families.  Sometimes,  we need to be a bit more selfish when it comes to those we hold near and dear to our hearts.  That is important; friendship is JUST as important.  

Don't let life take away the pieces of your lives that make you who you are.  Don't let it get in the way of sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly.  We all have ugly and we need to show that ugly to someone once in a while.  

I feel like I'm being vague.  I apologize.  I just do not want to struggle to keep up with my close friends.  I do not want to feel like a visitor with them simply because I haven't been able to see them for a few weeks.  I have seen people at Walmart that I used to talk to on a regular basis, only to say hello in passing, as I rush on with shopping list in hand, scurrying down another aisle.  We all have done this.  I really have to work on this.  Being a good person; a better friend.  

Our friends are our family from the heart and we need to remember to cherish that.  I will be working on that from this day forward.

I guess that's all I have to say at this point.  I just needed some "me time" before heading to bed finally.  I just wanted to share my viewpoint.  It doesn't have to mean much to you.  I think it is more of a wake up call to myself.  Trying to find clarity for myself.

Thanks for reading!

Sometimes I Cry

Hello again!  I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are looking forward to a very, Merry Christmas!  I want to share an article with all of you.  I shared it on my Facebook but I haven't been able to shake what it means to me and how it makes me feel and where it takes my brain so I thought, "What better place to elaborate on the subject?"  If you haven't read it yet, or read it all the way through, please do.  It's a little long but not really long at all.  It is titled "Dear Dispatcher" and here's the link.  

I had literally read the first three lines and then paused the movie my husband was watching so I could read it aloud to him.  Usually, I have a tough time with things like this but I clearly didn't know what direction this was going to take.  By the end, I did have tears streaming down my face but this really did move me.  It makes me happy, thankful, blessed to be able to do the job I do; and to do it well.  

So now that you've read it, I want to tell you what it means to me.  It means that someone actually remembered that there was a compassionate, caring person on the other end of that line when she needed help.  Like she says, nobody calls us when they are having a good day.  It also means that someone remembered that we, the dispatchers, are human.  She understands that when we disconnect from someone's worst nightmare, their nightmare sometimes goes home with us; sometimes for days, weeks, months, and maybe even years.  

This particular blog made my heart swell because I have a chance everyday, to make someone's life better.  If you know my cops, my EMT's, or my firemen, they may tell you I have a knack of making their lives not-so-much-better sometimes but they all know they are a priority to me when I am here.  I want nothing more than to make sure they all go home at the end of the day or night.  This piece hit home with me if for no other reason than to know that someone out there notices.  We aren't just a secretary; we aren't just a telephone operator; we aren't just people that help put other people in jail.  No...we are the first line of communication when you and anyone else needs help.  We are the ones that get to answer your call; not have to...get to!  We are the ones that get the fire departments going; the ambulances sent out; the cops to your location.  Please don't overlook us.  Just because you can't see us, doesn't mean we aren't there and we aren't involved in your story.  We are the voice in the dark.  The voice that chooses to be there to answer your call.  I couldn't be happier to do this job.

As I read the piece, I got to thinking about my relationships with those I work with.  Being in a smaller agency, I am lucky to have great bonds with most of those I work with.  If I have trouble handling something I worked, I know I have a group that will let me talk, will guide me and help me sort out whatever it is that is bothering me, and pretty much go to any lengths to help me solve my issues.  It has taken a while to learn that but I do have a great support system here.  I love that I normally get to hear the "end of the story."  Not always but the majority of the time.  We all have days that we hate our jobs but for the most part, I can't imagine doing anything else; especially without the people I work with now.  Life would never be the same if our team would ever split.  If you are one of my people, please know that appreciative isn't even enough to cover how I feel when I get to hear the "end of the story."

I will close out with this.  In 2018, I have cried for more strangers than I have in the seven years I have worked here.  I thought I was getting soft, weak.  But what I realized is that I am stronger than I have ever been and I doubt I could care any more about people. There are many, many dispatchers out there that have taken more serious calls than I have and there are some out there that haven't.  None of us are ever going to be alike and none of us will ever have the same call volume.  The numbers don't make us great dispatchers.  The heart does.

Sometimes, I want to reach out to some of these people that I go home and cry for. Mostly complete strangers.  Sometimes I just want to send a note saying "I'm glad you're okay," or "Your situation shook me to my core and I just want you to know that I care."  I will never do anything like that of course, but I think about it.  And that helps me deal with "my side of the story."  This job has me doing a lot of praying to the big man upstairs.  I pray daily for those I work with and for those I only get to speak with on the phone.  Again, complete strangers.  Funny how that works.

If you have ever needed help and have dialed 911, please know that the person on the other end of the line is human.  They have a heart and they have feelings and they are going to do whatever they can to help your situation.  It may not make sense to you at the time but bear with us, the questions we ask are for your safety and the safety of whoever we need to send to you.

We're looking for a dispatcher right now.  If you're interested and you think you got what it takes, let me know.  

Look who I found

Hello again!  I made it back and in one piece.  Phew!  I bet you were just as worried as I was!

In my last blog, I talked a lot about Khloe Kardashian and her book and some of the things I have learned from it.  Now, I know I mentioned it but I want to reiterate that first and foremost, I was in search of me, myself and I.  But in order to find me, I first had to muster up some energy to do it and that my friends, has been quite a journey for me.  I have never experienced anything like it.  I don't know if I was in a dark place or if a dark place was following me around because every time I felt like I had finally gotten ahead just a teensy weensy bit...I was back in the mud; couldn't move and didn't care if I ever moved again.  

And then one day, I was handed this stuff.  "Just put it in your coffee and see what happens.  Maybe it will make you feel better."  So that night, when I started work at midnight, I made me a cup of coffee and put this stuff in it.  I was not expecting anything magical to happen.  I was not expecting miracles.  What I was expecting was to tell my person that this was a complete waste of their money.  

By the end of that shift though, I noticed that I was thinking more clearly and I wasn't anywhere near as tired as usual.  I was able to go home after an overnight shift and do some things that I had been putting off because I was just too tired to deal with it.  That made me very happy.  THEN, I remembered a friend posting about this "magic" coffee of hers that was changing her life.  So I did a little research on the stuff and I talked with a couple of friends and next thing I knew, I was ordering this product.

Of course, my order would be late getting to me and I was more than anxious to get started on this stuff.  I was mad at the company, I was mad at the post office, and I was mad at myself for "giving in" to the hoopla.  Clearly this was a sign that I wasn't supposed to do this.  But this gal wasn't going to give up on me.  She gave me samples to get me through until my order got here and I started the program on Wednesday, May 2nd. 

So this is what I do every morning:
*Drink a bottle of water and take 1 capsule (the capsules work with the stuff for weight loss but you don't have to take it).  I'm not good at swallowing capsules so this probably works a few calories off just getting it down.  I can deal with it.
*Make coffee.  I was lucky enough to get one of those nice single coffee makers for Christmas and this is perfect for me because one cup per 8 hours is about all my ulcer will stand and I really do not like to drink coffee alone.  I can handle one cup alone though.  As long as my dog talks with me while I drink it.  ANYWAY...one packet of the stuff goes into my coffee, stir and drink.  Voila, done.  That's it, and I go on about my day. 

Like I said, I was on the search for energy and even though I had ordered and started the weight loss pill, I have not done one single thing to aid in the weight loss side of things.  I have went out to eat in restaurants several times.  I have had a drink or two.  I have not been exercising much, outside of when my Fitbit tells me to get off my ass and walk.  But I had a reason to not do these things.  I wanted to make sure that this was going to give me the energy I needed.  I think I was really wanting to test this product against my worst days.  So, like I said I started it on May 2nd and today is May 11th and I decided to only weigh on Wednesdays but for S's and G's I did it today in hopes I would be able to blog.  Nine days of doing nothing but drinking my magic coffee and taking a pill for no other reason than to have energy.

*In the past nine days, I have push mowed my yard...something I haven't done in a year, and I can't wait to mow again.  Soon, I hope!  My husband's rider needs worked on so I hope that takes a few months to fix.  
*In the past nine days, I have cleaned out my cupboards and purged quite a few things. This is usually something I do about every two months but hadn't done for almost a year.
*In the past nine days, I have started deep cleaning my house and loving it.  Something that has almost always been a norm for me but hasn't been for over a year now.
*In the past nine days, I have not needed a nap before work and I'm not just downright exhausted when I get off work.
*In the past nine days, I have noticed that not only do I remember things a lot better but I feel like my head is finally clear of the "gunk" that got me down.

I mean, other than that, this stuff hasn't helped me at all.  ;-)  So anyway, when I weighed this morning, I realized I was finally back in the 2teens!  It has been more than a struggle for me to get out of those damn 2twenties and I don't ever want to go back.  Nine days, 6 lbs.  Doing nothing but swallowing a pill and drinking a cup of coffee.  I'm perfectly fine and content with that until I get all my stuff done around the house and start back at my workouts.  I keep telling myself "Imagine what will happen when you start working out regularly again!" and I get really, really excited about it.  It has been A LONG TIME since I have been excited about much of anything.

So I am here singing the praises of this wonderful stuff.   Not going to mention a product name yet. Not going to tell you anything more than I have found something that works for me.  I'm sure most of you have enough people shoving weight loss products down your throats.  That's one reason I haven't mentioned this on my Facebook.  I have to hide about 20 posts a day between products and politics because I don't need anybody's opinions but my own.  Nobody is going to change my mind but me.  

Until next time, keep smiling and keep living.  Thanks for reading!

On a journey to find and keep myself

"I feel like the world sees me as fat and lazy" - Mike from Mike & Molly

Boy, have I been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and yoga pants!  I spent many, many years feeling like I was never good enough.  Never good enough for my own siblings at most times of my life.  Never good enough for classmates at any stage of my life.  Never good enough of a friend to most that I have tried to "best" with.

I am just going to warn you right now about this blog. It's about some things that most people are sick of hearing about; two things in particular: Weight loss and Kardashian!!  So, if you are going to be one of those people that roll their eyes at the sight of the above mentioned words, please take your mouse and put your pointer on that pretty red X in the right hand corner.  I don't need that kind of negativity.  And I don't need sympathy either.  I just need to put it out there so I have it on record and can read this over and over and over again, if I feel the need to or just simply choose to.

I feel like I am missing something in my life and I can not pinpoint it to save my soul.  Great job, great marriage, great home life, great family. great job.  So there's the great stuff.  But why do I feel "blah?"Why do I feel like something just isn't right.  Something is definitely amiss and the more I try to figure out what it is, the more exhausted...both mentally and physically...I get!  I have asked for lots of prayers for peace and answers on this one and I'm sure they both will come eventually.  Until then though, I must muster through, whether it kills me or not!

So much has changed in my head and my heart in the past several months.  I have no desire.  I have no motivation to do the things I know in my heart I love to do.  I have literally told myself that I needed to "revisit" the old Shellie and remember what she felt like and why she changed her life and her choices.  So, I have been trying to do that.  Trying to dig deep and find the old me again and see what she can tell me.  It's not easy.  She's all about carbs, pop, and cigarettes and that's so old to me right now that it's new to me.

I was once told that if you "immerse" yourself among healthy people and healthy groups, it will make it easier for you to stick with what is working for you and what is right.  Well, I'm here to tell you that this couldn't be further from the truth.  That stuff has to be in your head.  You can't do things like "diet, lifestyle change and/or exercise" for anybody but yourself!  You have to want it to succeed and I keep telling myself that everyday...sometimes I hear it so much in my head, I get tired of telling myself!  True story!

While I am trying to figure out how to get myself back on track and finding my desire (again), two things that I have "immersed" myself in is a book that I have now read four times: Strong Looks Better Naked by Khloe Kardashian, as well as her new show "Revenge Body."  Her book is so right on when she talks about how this is all about mind, body, and soul.  You have to love yourself; believe in yourself; trust yourself; be yourself.  And that isn't always an easy thing to do.  Especially that last thing.  Being ourselves.  Because we are all so brain-washed into thinking we need to be what our friends, our neighbors, our parents, our lovers, and even our enemies, are.  We need to stop living for everyone else and live for ourselves.  We need to be kind to ourselves.  We need to trust in our own hearts and do what is right BY US, FOR US.

As I said, I have read Khloe's book four times now.  I got it for Christmas a couple of years ago from a former co-worker.  I love reading it and I can always hear her voice speaking to me page after page.
"Slow and steady wins the race,"
"The only person you need to be better than is the person you were yesterday,"
"Nobody likes to be around a Negative Nancy."
Oh, I'm listening Khloe, I'm just a little thick-headed and stubborn at times but keep talking and it will eventually make it's way back through my lead skull.  This book is really good.  She talks about her spiritual journey as well as her emotional and physical journey.  It makes me laugh when she says she was always known as the fat, funny sister because I have never thought she was fat ever.  Yes, I am one of those people that watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians and yes, I will defend them up to a certain point.  While I do not agree with all of their causes or beliefs, I do agree that they are allowed their own.  If you haven't read this book, I recommend it.

Khloe's show Revenge Body started out as a huge joke for me because I thought "Well, she has money, so she can hire a trainer and a chef and voila, her "lifestyle changes" came easy for her.  But I have watched her on Snapchat.  I have watcher her on TV for many years.  And now seeing her on this new show, I have come to realize the most obvious thing on earth.  All that money doesn't mean squat.  Having a trainer doesn't mean squat.  Having a chef doesn't mean squat.  Nobody has put in the WORK that she has, to get the body that she wanted.  For hours and hours, days and days, she put in the effort, the sweat, the tears, and the commitment to get where she needed to be.  And the funny thing about her workouts is that she didn't start working out because she wanted to lose weight or tone up.  She started working out because she lived in a city where she didn't know anybody and went to the gym because she was bored.  She started working through her boredom and then through her frustrations until it became second nature to her.  Even today, pregnant and all, she says she still feels weird if she doesn't get a workout in.

What I love about her show is the compassion she has for others and is willing to help them achieve their goals.  People have all kinds of reasons to be on her show.  Whether it be to get that revenge body for an old or new boy/girl friend, family members, co-workers, themselves!  After the 12 week challenge, most of them have a new perspective on their own health and their own goals to where they are glad they did it for THEM because no matter what you do, there is always going to be a chance that it isn't going to matter to that other person.  Your journey and your goals are not always sufficient and pleasing to others but that shouldn't matter so much to us.  Sadly, it does.

I'd be lying if I said I would rather go on a date night than sit at home and re-read this book or watch another episode because right now, it feels right.  It feels safe.  But even I know that at some point, this has to go somewhere.  It has to get me off my ass and back on my feet.  After all, these news shoes aren't going to exercise by themselves now, are they???

One night I was feeling sorry for myself and thought "I will just send her an email.  Maybe she can give me the words to make it all get better."  By morning, I had come to my senses.  After all the words I have read in her book and all the words she says on her show, what else could she possibly say???  So, to humor myself I googled her show and boom! there pops up the link for the application to her show.  I'm pretty sure my mouth fell to the floor when I read everything they ask you to tell them.  Holy buckets!  I mean, it says on her page that the application is very intimate and takes a long time but ZONKERS, SCOOBY!!!

Take a peek here

I'm going to stop this here.  There is a second part to this blog but I am not ready to reveal that yet.  My brain is in serious overload here about life, health, and my pursuit of happiness on both levels!  If you are still interested, stay tuned!!!

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day, a beautiful week, and a fantastic life!

Ruff day

I am trying to decide what my mood is today; what this feeling is that has gotten me turned in so many directions.  I can't figure out if people are just on my nerves today or if I'm just at the end of my rope or if those two things are the same or not.  Today is one of those days that would be awful to be stuck in my head.  

One thing I definitely can nail down is I'm not tired.  Quintin took care of the dogs yesterday so I could sleep and it was MARVELOUS.  Rarely do I get a day when I'm not the major caretaker of these sweet poopie butts of ours.  Not that they are that much to worry about but they need their fair share of attention too.  And when they gotta go...well, they gotta go.  Doesn't matter if I'm in a deep sleep or not; when the urge hits, mommy gets woke up!!  So by the time they have peed and then walked around the dog pen enough to get their bowels to moving, I'm awake.  Sometimes, they let me have a 45 minute nap before they decide to go; sometimes I get 4 hours in.  It's hit and miss but I wouldn't trade it, even on my worst days.  So now that we are all awake, we have to go inside and wrestle (them, not me) and then kisses for mommy from both girls and then I get to throw the ball for Miss Evie for at least half an hour while Annie watches and I'm sure thanking God she doesn't have to play this stupid game.  She rolls her eyes at Eva a lot.  Couple hours later, they are ready to take a nap and mommy is wide awake.  See, you don't have to give birth to get this treatment!  You just have to love.  

I wish people were more like dogs.  When they get on our nerves we could just shut them outside for a while until either they realize they need to straighten up or we decide we can stand them again.  That may be the only reference I have when it comes to wishing people were more like dogs.  I am thankful...and I'm pretty sure you are too, even if you've never thought about it...that we, as humans, don't sniff each other's butts to see if we know or like each other.  The whole licking thing...yeah I'm glad we don't do that...yick.  

I was telling my husband this stuff a few weeks ago after I had been to school for a refresher for my job.  "Can you just imagine if we went potty like dogs?  There I would be in the middle of my school and have to go to the back corner and sniff around to find a suitable place to squat and pee...or worse, poop!  And how would we clean our butts???  I refuse to slide my butt across the carpet!!!  I mean, every building would have giant sand boxes or pee pads or whatever...and imagine the malls!!!  THINK about how many people potty a day at one mall alone!"  

It was then my husband looked at me lovingly, shook his head and thought about having me put down.  He was afraid I was rabid.  "Where the F*** do you come up with this stuff?"  What else do I have to do when I'm outside with the dogs?  I mean, it's just thinking out loud kinda stuff.  I have questioned him about the church roof and he didn't think there was anything wrong with what I had to say about that.  I told him that every morning I come out with the dogs, I count the little flags in the neighbor's yard.  Eight yellow and eight orange.  That I can easily see from the comfort of my folding chair.  He's used to my counting frenzies that I go on so that's probably why he doesn't think too much about that.  So why think I'm so darn strange because I think of life as a dog.  Men!

I just told a co-worker today that probably the real reason I never had children is because I would have gotten a boy and eventually he would turn into a man and well, today being a man apparently isn't a good thing in my book.  They are just on my nerves.  Not my hubby though.  He's safe for today.  I will say this for men:  I'm glad I'm not you.  Crap, every man should be terrified to look at, speak to, or even have any kind of human interaction with a woman he isn't connected to in some way.  Women coming out of the woodwork to accuse any man that they can find, for anything they can turn into a sexual abuse case.  

Don't get me wrong, if a woman is sexually abused, she needs to be heard and protected.  But she needs to step up and call this situation out because this whole mess of "He sexually abused me 12 years ago" crap just isn't working.  And it's making us women out to look like a bunch of weak, greedy, venomous people.  My mother was none of those and I sure as heck am not one of those.  If someone is going to do something so terrible to me, I am going to stand up and face it now, not years later.  We have become a nation of entitlement.  

Well...this went downhill fast.  I thought I was talking about dogs?  Well...there's no going back now, is there?  I can't even believe I tied those two subjects together once; I know I can't do it twice to get out of it so I'm not even going to try it.  I could always delete it but why would I do that?  These are just my ramblings; my thoughts; my feelings.  Those that don't like it can go fly a kite in Greenland.

I think I'm going to wrap this up.  Have a beautiful day, a marvelous week, and a fantastic year.