Trying to keep busy

Hey there!  I have survived one whole week of 2023!  It's funny because I feel like someone placed 2022 on a sheet of ice and it just skated past us.  By the time November came, I had given up and just sat back and watched because I couldn't keep up anymore!  But I have now been in 2023 for seven days and it feels like a hundred!  I know January always feels like a long month and I suppose it's because we just spent two months shoving in several holidays and gatherings and food and now, we are all stuffed, bloated, exhausted and broke!  I sure hope this isn't the year of the turtle, or God forbid, the snail!!!

I have been trying to reason with a kidney stone since December 15th, 2022, and I finally got some medicine yesterday.  I am sure hoping it works it's magic because I'm about shit-full of this!  Does it hurt more when the stone is stuck or when it is flapping around in there?  I never can remember.  I have lowered my intake of caffeine to almost non-existent now and my head is throbbing.  It will be interesting to see who wins this battle, my head or my kidneys!  HA!

The next 7 days should prove to be interesting as to just how much stuff I will get done and how much exercising I will make myself do.  I still haven't decided if I want to make another weekly goal of a loss or not but leaning more toward waiting another week.  Maintaining weight is so much harder than losing weight.

Back in May I had purchased a new Fitbit but couldn't get it to sync with my new iPhone, so I got mad and took the Fitbit back.  I was done with those things!  Never wanted another one again.  And fast forward to February 2023, where we are going to be needing a Fitbit to complete a wellness challenge for our insurance.  We aren't obligated to do these things, but it gives me a reason to not sit on my ass all the time AND this time they are giving us the Fitbit so................we will try again!  Besides, the more county employees that participate, the lower our prices get on our insurance, and we can all use that!  So that new challenge starts in February and goes through September.  I should be pretty sick of it by then!  

I think to keep my head straight this year I am going to have to have some kind of a challenge every month.  I really do love to torture myself!

I signed up for a 2 mile per day challenge for St. Jude's Children.  I mean, as if I am not already planning on being sick of walking!  HA!  Oh well, it's for a good cause and I am trying to get my feet better so this is the best way to do it.  Plus, it may give me a reason to get a new pair of shoes this spring!  I do love me some shoes.

Oh!  And speaking of the things I do love.  Apparently, jeans are back on that list.  The most pairs of jeans I have ever owned at one time is 12.  I think.  13 tops.  Today I was rearranging my clothes and putting laundry away and I own 16 pairs of jeans.  SIXTEEN!!!  Holy denim days!!!  I have a pair of jeans from Walmart that I bought years ago, and they are about to go bye-bye because when the belt doesn't work well anymore, the jeans gotta go!  That means a dozen pair of them are Maurices jeans (ummm and one pair of Maurices capris, shhhh).  Recently, I ordered a pair of jeans from an advertisement on Facebook.  Yes, I took a chance, and it was in my favor.  I got a pair of split hem jeans from Flamingo and am in love with them.  Now, the problem I have is that I should have counted just how many pairs of jeans I already owned.  But I did not do that.  So, I ordered two more. . Hehehe.  Don't judge.  I plan to lose a little more weight so some of those jeans will have to go out the door!  My loss, someone else's gain!

My friend Samantha got "75 HARD" in my head.  I have an interest in it but still don't know what all it entails, and I don't like to be punched in the gut and made to feel like I can't accomplish something after I've committed to it.  Ugh!  So, if anyone reading this has done it and wants to send me a message, I would appreciate any information you can give me!

Today, I went to Des Moines with my girl, Dana.  She got her nails done and I got to tan so we were both extremely happy.  Lunch at Jason's Deli because ya know..... diets and salads and all!  Still one of our favorite places to eat.  This picture bothers me because my hives haven't completely gone away under my eyes.  Boo!

Got home and started in on washing bedding and finishing up the blankets.  As of right now, I am waiting for my sheets to dry and then tomorrow I will work on the spare bedroom sheets aka the dog's bedding.  They won't be happy about it but it's getting done.

This beauty was given to me by a very dear friend, and I am in love with it.  Not only is it beautiful but it holds all my hoodies and winter hats/gloves.  Yes, I did pack all that crap in there tonight.  Why?  Because I'm taking a stand against winter right now.  All it does is make me depressed.  It was so beautiful today though.  The sunshine soaking into my skin when I was able to be outside was much needed.  Now, if the ground could dry out so I don't have to clean my floors so often, that would be amazing.  

I know, I know.  Don't even count on winter being close to over.  I get it.  I don't like it but I get it!!!!!!!!

Well, until I can think of something better to entertain you with, I will close for now.  I hope your week is fan-freaking-tastic!

  

I think it's a mental meltdown

 January 4th, 2023 

Things are back on track today.  Back to work and resuming normal life, or whatever normal is.  I didn't stay gung-ho on the supplements but I am still taking them.  Got through my regular exercises and overall was an uneventful but no-so-pleasant night!  Just one of those things that my volcano isn't happy that I can't deal with and move past it.  I'm ready for a settle-down!  So, no boring pictures to include on the days I have to be a responsible adult.  Went home and played with my babies, gulped down 2 melatonin so my mind would shut the hell up and I went to bed.  Picture of my babies just for fun and because they love me unconditionally every day of my life.  Even when I make the wrong decisions.    <3

January 5th, 2023

Woke up in the middle of the night and my eyes hurt so bad!  Well, around my eyes.  I couldn't figure out what was going on.  I thought maybe my eye makeup had something to do with it but I had wiped it off.  They kept hurting and hurting and stubborn me didn't get up to check or anything.  When I woke up for the day, I had hives under my eyes and hives all over the front of my neck.  And oh my word were they painful!  I immediately thought about the melatonin but I have taken that many times.  "Maybe it's outdated?'  Nope, 09/2023 is the date on them.  They went into the trash anyway!  I look like Im carrying two saddle bags around on my face!  Ugh!  I didn't want to take anything for fear of going back to sleep and missing out on my day with my girl.

Today, my girl Justi took me for a foot detox.  Neither of us had ever done that before and it was neat to see all the toxins and crap being pulled out. The top picture is a close up of carbs and sugars that were pulled.

The bottom picture shows the parasites that were pulled.  It was a truly interesting thing to have done and enjoyed it so much, I scheduled a follow-up!  Gonna take my friend Tricia with me too!  So after our toxins were released, we went to eat and I loaded back up on the carbs.  LOL  I was starving.  I think they stole too many from me!  And I couldn't pass up trying a coconut margarita!!!  It was fantastic!

The whole rest of the night, I felt guilty about eating nachos and having a margarita.  Okay, I will be honest,  I was more guilty about the nachos than I was about the margarita.  So now I have to step up the exercises a bit just to make sure I don't gain.  I am not weighing for another couple of days.  One thing I do not want to do is get back into that annoying habit!  I just hope I am maintaining that 4 pound loss that I had.  Finger crossed and gut sucked in!

I did end up taking some allergy medicine but maybe a tad early because it knocked me out (you've all heard the Benadryl story!) and then I was awake when it was really time to be asleep.  My sleep schedule is so messed up!  So I laid in bed for the majority of the night doubting every decision I have ever made in my life.  That's always nice.

January 6, 2023

I chose the color brown for this day because that's how I feel about it.  Just a dang shitty day.  I have a lot of anger pent up inside me tonight and I can't seem to get rid of it.  I mean, I have tried being a complete bitch to everyone that I came in contact with!  LOL JUST KIDDING.  CALM DOWN!. Although my co-workers might agree with this a bit.  I may have vented just a little too much to them!

I normally wake up at a decent time of the morning and open the door so the dogs can go in and out at their leisure but since my sleep schedule is all bonkered up, the times are varying.  I had a nail appointment this morning in Des Moines so I set my alarm.  I am not used to having to get up for an alarm so I was hoping I would be able to start a better pattern.  My early hour did not work out for opening the door for the dogs but they just stayed in their bedroom under their blanket with their mattress warmer going, living the life of luxury they are now accustomed to.  My alarm went off at 08:00 and I turned it off.  I just needed to lay there and gather my thoughts because they were all sorts of confused after the night I had.  

The next thing I know, the dogs paw at the door.  They were done waiting!  I look over at my phone and it's 08:45!!!  Shit, shit, shit!  I fling the door open and go let them out, ran back into the bedroom and jumped into the same clothes I wore last night, turned the tv on for the dogs, handed out a treat and out the door I went!  I absolutely hate being late for anything!!!  So as I was pulling out of my garage, it was 08:53.  "I got this."

I am be-bopping down the road, lecturing myself on how I have ALWAYS gotten up when I had to and was always ready to go and "You are not getting into those kinds of bad habits now!"  Eight miles later, I'm thinking why didn't I bring a drink? I remembered a protein cookie, how am I going to choke this down?"  And for some reason I thought I better call the pharmacy before I forget.  No phone.  Shit bricks!  Nope, radio is not connected.  Phone is at home.  "Shellie, it would probably do you good to be without it for a few hours."  Okay fine.  Keep driving.  I wing my car over to the side of the road and just let the steam vent out of my ears and nose.  I'm surprised a passerby didn't call the fire department in on me.  "MY FUCKING WALLET IS AT HOME!"  I almost just went home and cancelled the whole damn day.  I was done and the fork that was stuck in me had melted.

Turned around and got the wallet and the phone and figured I would be about 10 minutes late at most.  I tried so hard to get into the music and be happy but nothing was doing it for me.  My girl text me and told me to "love life."  My answer was "fuck that."  *sigh*  For the record, I was exactly on time for my appointment and the owner says to me, "I was surprised when I got here and you weren't out here waiting.  You are always early."  Thanks for the reminder that I was late.

If you're early, you're on time.  If you're on time, you're late.  If you're late, you're not trying hard enough.

Now, for those of you that know me, you know how sensitive my feet are and how much I can't stand to get my toes done BUT they must be done!  Today they got done and it barely even bothered me.  That's one good thing for today.  The gal that always does my toes was even impressed.  The stupid moon probably has something to do with it.  I've heard it's a full moon.  I've heard it's a wolf moon.  I don't care what kind of moon it is tonight or the rest of the weekend because I can match it step for step.  I'm ready, willing and able to take on anything this weekend has to throw out at me.   

I hate today.  Don't tell me not to.  I need it just to get through it.  Tomorrow is a whole new, and hopefully better, day!

Hope you have a swell weekend..............................

And as of the close of the first week, I have lost and maintained my 4 pound loss.  There's my little sliver of sunshine.  Now............when TF is swimsuit season getting here???

The things we put ourselves through!

Hey there!  Happy 2023 to you!  I am hoping it is going wonderful for you.  I realize it's only a few days in but I am trying to have high hopes for all of you because I am not sure how to feel about this New Year just yet!

I was going to blog weekly about this process but I ramble too much so I had to cut this down to the first 3 days.  And trust me, I put myself through the wringer the first three days.  I just hope the following days have some kind of excitement in them!

I agreed to go on a diet at the beginning of the year.  My work bestie wanted to do it and I can stand to lose a little bit of weight so I thought, "Why not?  What could it possibly hurt?" Famous last words from Miss Shellie!  Well anyway, we did our planning and we both decided we would order some products that she had experience with before and had good results.  My thought was that I would blog weekly about what I go through while on this little program so if anyone wanted to follow along and read the good and the bad.  Just keep in mind that I added "the bad" onto that!

There's no crying in dieting so buck up! (I had to remind myself of this at some point) 

JANUARY 1ST, 2023 (as read from my journal so keep your hands close to your eyes in case it gets messy)

I started taking said supplements.  There was a chocolate mint mix that you put in water and drink a couple times a day, 1 capsule in the morning, 1 capsule at each meal, and a capsule at bedtime.  The one thing I was not looking forward to was that drink mix!  I don't care for chocolate and I really can't stand mint so I knew it was going to be one of those "plug the nose and drink it fast" drinks.  These supplements IMMEDIATELY curbed my appetite and took away my urge to snack (which is basically how I have been living for the last year).  They gave me that full feeling that I needed and raised my energy.  And to be honest, the drink tasted like what I think yoohoo would taste like.  A watered down chocolate milk.  No mint taste to mine so it was good enough I could drink it at leisure.

Now, when I say it was immediate, this is what I mean; I started them on the morning of Jan 1st and I didn't snack at work, had a sensible meal and when I got home from work I did the following between 00:15 - 02:00 (because I was full of energy):

- Went through the fridge and got rid of anything questionable in there and starting filling the garbage can.  

- Removed stuff off of my counters and cleaned them up real good followed by the sink!

- Emptied a very full drying rack (the rest of the world calls that a dishwasher but I don't like to use it for that).

- Vacuumed the living room floor and steam mopped the kitchen.  Have I mentioned I hate doing floors???

- Started laundry.

- Hand scrubbed and dried my bathroom floor (don't get too excited, it's a tiny room) but it's the chore I hate to do.  Floors UGH!!!  Yep, I strapped on my knee pads and scrubbed down all the cracks and crevices and pulled out the floor vent and cleaned that out.  After cleaning the toilet, even the toilet brush got a good cleaning!  I must ask this:  It is 2023, why haven't we found a way to keep the toilet from attracting hair and dust?  Why???  For the love of all that is good and Holy!

- I took down my winter shower curtain and valance and put up my regular, stand by shower curtain and hooks.  Found a new curtain  I had never used that matched in color so threw that up there (I literally done this twice deciding which one I wanted to use).  I even found the rugs that matched them all.  

I was starting to get the urge to move to my closets and purge, purge, purge!  But I held off!  I figured if I do all of this now, what will I have to do the rest of the days between now and the end of February??  Am I right??

Then I asked myself this, "Did Dana talk me into taking some form of meth?"   Because now my mind is going rampant and I need to start a list.  A long, long, long list of everything that needs to get done around here!  Is this meth?  Nope, it's Heaven!  At least for now!  I am loving this stuff!

So yeah, the list got made.  Purge clothes, washing bedding, wash blankets on the sofa, shampoo the furniture, vacuum basement steps, organize & purge holiday totes, bring upstairs trash totes down and get rid of, clean kitchen ceiling fan, get Valentine's Day decorations ready to be put out, etc., etc., etc.! 

There will be more to add to my list as soon as the weather starts getting better.  I hate winter now.  I want to wear a swimsuit and be warm.  Is that too much to ask???  So yeah, by the end of the night, I went to sleep hoping that I would wake up at a decent time and not feel groggy.

JANUARY 2, 2023

I slept pretty darn good!!!  Just like I suppose a rock would sleep!  I woke up at 05:30 and let the dogs go potty and went right back to sleep until 10:00!!!  That. Was. Exceptional!

So here I was again, going at it like it all had to get done now.  Now I have never been a breakfast eater and at 53 years young, I am not about to start now so I was a little light headed upon entering the world of awake.  I got through it though.  

Got the Winter comforter washed up and put away and dug out a couple of extra blankets to keep me warm for the rest of this miserable weather.  Started in on washing the blankets on the couch and the dog beds.  As of this writing, I have 2 more blankets to go.  

I was a good girl and got my exercises in.  I couldn't find a picture of 3 dogs in a gal's face while she is doing crunches but that's how my predicament went!  

I grabbed the curtains out of the bedrooms and got them washed and put back up.  Livingroom, dining room and kitchen are on the list to do!  I mean, why not???

I pre-made some meals (that I have yet to actually eat because I keep forgetting) to take to work so that makes life easier.  Mmmmm turkey roll-ups!

And it happened.  I got through both of my bedroom closets!  I actually purged more clothes than I thought I would and it felt amazing!  I can't wait to drop them off the next time I go south so I don't have to look at them again.  

So, again I asked myself (out loud this time), "Did Dana introduce me to meth???"  Wait till you hear what she did to me though!  She talked me into doing this "diet" with her and then puts not one, BUT TWO boxes of chocolate covered cherries in my cupboard at work.  WTF Dana???!!!  Why would you want to sabotage me? You should have done the money challenge AND THEN sabotaged me!  Duh!

I was hoping to see some kind of fluctuation in weight by the second day but that may be asking a bit too much, too soon.  I'm not a patient person but I think most people that know me, know that already.  Anyway, I did not see any difference on the scale.  

Goal weight loss for week #1 (by Jan. 8th) is three pounds.   Cross your fingers and I will suck in my gut.  -_- 

January 3, 2023

Remember, there is no crying in dieting.  I said it myself.  Well, here's where I got to remind myself of just that!  In the very early morning hours, all hell broke loose.  The bowels (pun may have been intended) of hell reached out, grabbed my soul and took it for the spin of it's life.  A long, agonizing, almost-spiritual spin, had Satan not been the one driving that bus to hell and back!

Folks, when I say it was bad, I mean it was bad.  I have done sweatin' to the oldies and I would rather do that any day compared to this!  I felt numbers and heard the voices of both yellow and green!  And I don't mean the M&M's!!!  All I could see was a mystical glaze take over me as I begged for 

to come take me away because it sure sounded like a less painful thing than what I was currently experiencing.  I mean, I am laughing about it now because... I like to laugh at myself.  It makes the pain feel like it has less of a hold on me.  

My weekly weight loss goal for myself was set at three pounds.  In a matter of 12 hours, not only did I meet that goal but I exceeded it by a pound.  I don't recommend that to anyone BUT I now have four days to maintain before starting on week #2.  And to be perfectly honest, I don't even care about having a goal for week #2.  I may just concentrate on maintaining a week or two.  Who knows.  

Now, before you get any ideas that I was putting something in my body that I probably shouldn't have, you first need to know this.  The stomach ulcer that I lovingly refer to as my volcano, reared it's ugly head. 

There could be a multitude of reasons for that.  It could have been the supplements.  It could be diet-related.  It could be stress-related.  Heck, it could have just been that my volcano needed a good eruption.  Boy, did it ever have a good one!  I have been under a little stress at work and I am diligently trying to get it worked out.  It may take some time and it may not work out in my favor.  Time and the strength of my will is going to determine this.  

So I took that day to do absolutely nothing more than I had to. Mainly because I couldn't mentally or physically do anything. But I did get some meds down and the fire put out.  

I will break here and work on the next three days.  I promise they won't all be long and boring and show all my bad decisions!

I need to vent

So.............I'm probably going to sound really bitchy in this one but I don't see a way around it.  I will make it short and to the point.  If you get offended, I'm not sorry.

In case you don't remember...I am well aware that the anniversary of Quintin's death is near.  In fact, is is coming up on Monday, May 23rd.  It will be the year of "firsts" over and done with.  I was telling one of my girlfriends today that the "firsts" didn't really bother me.  Quintin wasn't a holiday person.  He didn't care about celebrating any of them.  So that in itself made those a bit easier for me to get through.

It was more often the days between the "firsts" that were harder to deal with.  Watching a television show and something would remind me of something he said or something he did and it would get to me.  A song on the radio that he liked (and usually I didn't particularly like it) and it would tug at my heart strings, whereas before I would ask him what on God's green earth made him like this ridiculous song!

So yeah.  The first year is almost over and done with.  I would love to get to regular programming if possible.  And to do that, I am going to ask that going forward, starting now, you don't send me a "thinking of you" message or a "heart" or a call, text, snapchat, TikTok....nothing.  Let's pretend I am the only one in the world that knows what this week is leading up to because my ends are frayed and my system is down.  I don't know how I will get through this because we can't foresee how we are going to react to anything and I want to do it my own way.  I have made plans for how my day will be spent. 

Please give me that.  

Throwing in the towel

Hey there again!  It's me!!  Hope you all are doing amazing and tolerating this crazy weather. I know Iowa is a little bipolar this year.  We went from freezing to sweating in a matter of minutes.  At least the majority did.  I'm thoroughly enjoying this "hotness."  

As some of you know, last week I started a challenge with 3 others at work.  No energy drinks.  None.  That first day I thought I was going to lose my sanity but each day got a little better.  If that wasn't enough, I had cut all bad carbs out of my life for the week.  Yeah, life was getting testy for me.  Then my new iPhone came.  I have been an Android user my whole life so this was going to take some getting used to!!  Guess what??!!  The phone was the easiest of the three.  

I did hit a wall though.  I bought a Fitbit and it was not pairing with my new phone so instead of taking the time to figure it out, I took that thing back to the store and said "Not today, Satan."  I'm better off without that thing anyway.  So, I am currently 9 days without any carbonated energy drinks.  I was drinking iced tea and coffee but now am on my 4th day with no caffeine and nobody has yet to die from it!  I got through my week of no bad carbs (maybe on Cinco de Mayo, I may have had five chips dipped in queso because I had too much to drink and no supervision and a bad, bad friend influencing me)!!  I feel fantastic and no cravings for any of that crap right now.  And just 9 days in.....I am already the last one standing.  My other three comrades have caved to their desires.  I am going to keep it up for the rest of the month and see how it goes.

Getting to the point of my blog.....

So, a while back on Facebook (I mean, it was Feb 22, 2022 but feels like yesterday), I shared the article that is posted below.  It is about how women perceive their bodies and how we learned the behavior.  I even added a little tidbit about the life I led when I wanted to achieve that "perfect" look.  FYI, I never found that perfect look.  At least that's what I thought.  

Here's what I posted:  "I think there are A LOT of women out there that go through this.  When I lived in KC, I did a lot of binging and purging in hopes to get to my goal faster.  I won't lie, I did get there fast but it messed me up in so many ways.  The way I see myself, for starters.  Although I don't do this anymore, my head will never be accepting of my body and I will always, always sabotage myself. This is the stuff us women need to be discussing amongst ourselves and helping each other get through."

Lovely in the Dark

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I became a teenager in the 90s.

Where the models were stick thin.

Curves were disgusting.

Boobs were shameful.

And anything over a size 2 a disgrace.

Then the 2000s brought tall glamorous thin Victoria's Secret models that told me tan, tall, and cup D was desired.

Now at 38, I see how toxic my relationship with my body is.

I see young women today embracing their bodies. All the shapes and sizes. I am baffled how they can be so comfortable in their skin. Then I see companies using models that look like me.

But the damage has been done.

I hate my body right now.

And have in the past.

I have tried to throw it up, starve it, and exercise it all away. To be like them. The women in the magazines I read in my teens.

I look at my body now with the extra weight packed on by meds and age. Three new scars reminding me how sick my body was. The stretch marks from carrying my sons.

My clothes don't fit. I try to shop for replacements but it ends in tears and dispare. I can't see beauty and femininity. I only see the stick thin image burned into my brain of what beauty looks like.

I am told I am beautiful. Sexy. Hot. Desired.

I struggle to see it. And believe it.

And I want too. I really do.

Ridding myself of the lies I have heard for 30 years isn't easy. Especially when I still compare myself to others who are thinner than me.

I am sharing this now because it is heavy. It's exhausting. It's all consuming at times.

Me aching to love myself wholeheartedly and at the same time hating the way my body looks. Tears are forming as I write this.

Sure losing weight will make me feel better. It won't solve the problem or heal the issue.

I don't know how to work on loving my body.

But I know sharing this is the first step.

Since the day I posted that, I have literally went back to those days.  Not in the binging and purging kind of way but in the way of concentrating on numbers that, in the end, don't need to be concentrated upon.  I couldn't do enough to get my weight down and it was starting to consume me.  It was starting to become a focal point of my life.  I have been buying baby snacks to eat in the car when I go on long trips and it took a friend that knew me almost 20 years ago to say to me "I remember when you used to eat baby food."  That hit home with me and it bothered me.  

It bothered me because I knew what I had done back in those days did nothing but hurt my body and hinder my thought process so why did I go back to it?  Because I drilled it into my head for so many years that it made it easy to fall back on.  I listened to the wrong people for so many years; some of them (past) doctors that wanted me to live by numbers.  I can't do that anymore.  I'm tired of it and I should be able to be free to live my life for once.  The only numbers I care about now is my A1C and next month, the goal is to be able to start slowing off the meds finally.  I mean, I've only been diabetic for 15 years.  Next goal is to be able to say "I used to be a diabetic."  I will get there.

Yesterday, I put the scales away.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I will know if I need to adjust my eating/activities by the way my body starts to respond. I do not care what my weight is anymore.  I know I look good and I feel fantastic! The doctors office can tell me what my weight is when I go there.  I'm over it and I can't even tell you how freeing that is!  Now, let's not throw an ice cream party just yet.  I still plan to eat better and take good care of myself.  I have a lot of plans for my future and a lot of fun still to be had so I need to be in good shape for it!  So please don't intentionally sabotage my progress and I hope you will continue to encourage me to stay on the right track. 

Please, if you are letting those numbers on the scales get to you, stop now.  Do it.  Go cold turkey.  Listen to your body talk to you and respond accordingly.  Take care of yourself.  For you and any person that loves you.  It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And I'm pretty sure about 20 years ago someone told me the older you get, the harder it is to maintain and boy, they were not joking!  

I don't have any magic words to get you started.  I don't have a magic potion that "this worked for me so it will work for you," but I'm here if you need to talk about it.  I can hold your hand through it but you have to do the real work.  If you want it bad enough, you can achieve it.  Just take that first step.  I'm not going to say if I can do it,  anyone can because like I said earlier, IT IS HARD.  

Now get out there and live life.  

And be kind.  

Above all else, be kind.

May 2022 will be one for the books

 Hello again!  I'm not sure why I'm back but I found myself here so I guess I will just run with it and see where it goes.

For many years, I have had everyone's opinion of energy drinks shoved down my throat and for a while I didn't really care.  Then one day I got sick of it and decided if you don't like it, stay away.  I don't push my opinions down your throats so why was I letting the opinions of everyone else bring me down?  If you don't like it, you don't have to drink it.  Simple as that.  They work for me.

For years, I have been a diabetic and since Quintin passed, I knew I had to take care of myself and those drinks came in really handy.  They give me the energy to get the things done I need to get done.  I only drink the sugar free ones and honestly, they have helped me get the healthiest I have been in 15 years.  My goal has always been "used-to-be-diabetic" and I'll be darned if I'm not almost there.  My numbers are down so low and my appointments are about to be spread further apart; meds are going to be cut down on the next visit (or sooner if I have my way) and I am at a decent weight.  At least a weight I can live with if that's where I decide to stay.  

As of tomorrow, May 2, 2022 I have agreed to join a 30-day no energy drink challenge.  It should be interesting since this stuff is my blood line.  I can still have caffeine, just not in the form of an energy drink.  I feel sorry for anybody that has to be around me after about day 3!!!  Like my co-workers haha.  They think I can be bitchy now...just you wait!!!  I will either be blogging or locked up in my own padded cell.  If you don't hear from me, you might want to check!  I went to the store today and stocked up on coffee and tea so.................. it will get interesting.  And we're just doing it to say we did it and we survived.  I may be getting the cart before the horse but I'm committed (or need committed).

This week I am also cutting way back on my carb intake.  I feel like I have been going overboard and need to stick to above goal (that little diabetes thing) so I can achieve that long-term goal.  I am tired of living on things that work against me.  Time for me to shine.  AND WHO KNEW TAKING YOUR MEDS EVERY DAY WOULD HELP???!!!???  Crazy!!!

Along with this craziness, daily exercises are a must.  Thirty minutes of vigorous activity every stinking day, whether I like it or not.  It's a good thing I love my infinity hoop because that makes exercising fun!  I don't know why I ever let myself get out of the habit of exercising anyway.  Oh wait, neck injury, moved to another home, husband got sick and died... yep, that's what it was!  

It's time to stop sabotaging myself in the name of every little thing.  But I'm back and that's all that matters.  Starting up is the hardest part of exercising!  Let's do this!

I won't bore you with all the exercise stuff on my Facebook page!  Don't worry.  Just please cheer me on here-and-there.  I need your support and encouragement!  Thanks in advance!

#5 of sorting before taking a mental break

Some days I feel like I have been through the worst things a person can go through but I haven't.  I am experiencing life as it is supposed to happen.  I haven't experienced anything less than most others on this planet.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get down in the dumps.  This is what life is about and if you don't have bad times, you can't appreciate the good times.  I will forever hold all the bad times in my heart so that I can cherish all the good times I have had and am having again.

I don't know that I have ever, in my life, wanted to keep going on as the same person.  I have always wanted to be better in some way.  Usually that has been inside my heart.  I mean, I have always wanted to have a thinner body and a thicker butt (lol)  but those aren't really the important things, I guess.  I want my heart to be free of hate, sadness and despair.  I feel like in my past, those things have worn me down and I have to make that stop.  So going forward, I refuse to let "bad" in my heart.  It is going to take some practice and some time because there are toxic people out there but I will get there. 

Will I get frustrated and angry with people?  Yes.  I am human.  But I refuse to let that anger and frustration take up residence and let those people live rent-free in my head or my heart.  I have too much to give.  I have too much love to share.  That's what my life is about going forward.  

Healing and love.  Healing and love.  I will keep repeating this until I get it 100% right but mind you, I will get there.  

I plan to be the person I never got to be.  The person I never got to be because of circumstance and because I got in my own way.  Not anymore.  I am going to be happy.  It's time to start living my life on my terms and under my own set of rules.  

Do I have a ways to go?  Yes.  But I'm getting there.  Typing things out like this sometimes hurts me so deep but I know that there is still life out there waiting for me and I'm determined to find it and love it.  I have a few more snippets to share along my journey but for now, I am going to take a little break and let the cracks in my heart mend.  

Thanks for your support and your encouragement.  Life can only get better from here on out.  Things are looking up!  Until next time!