Me: When I think of toilet paper, I think.....
Mick: of Hy-Vee...........
Bertha: because Hy-Vee toilet paper always gets stuck up in my cooter.....
and you can see how this went in the toilet fast. -_- I am so stuck on the toilet paper getting stuck in a cooter, I have completely lost as to how the story ended.
But you can see what we were doing. Passing the story on to the next person.
Me: Although most people disagree.....
Gee: my penis is tiny.....
That one caught EVERYONE off guard and it took some kind of twist and turn I don't WANT to remember! There was one in particular that stands out. I can't go into particulars on this one. You had to be there to know how it ended. And let me tell you this; it ended very very juicy.
Me: One time I farted while I.....
Bertha: **#%$*())_@#$%##@@%()*(*#($%*$%
I think someone passed out at what came out of her mouth. Someone blushed. Someone vomited. And some just sat there and tried to think of death. I. Am. Moving. On.
Back to the house we go. Sat around the kitchen table because nobody wanted to be the first to go to sleep. Bertha had promised whoever fell asleep first was getting a bra put in the sink and then the deep freeze. Mick should have went to sleep first. His bra should have been safe. Bertha was trying to scare Matilda from going to sleep by saying Matilda would get a Brazillian Wax job. The thought of it made me want to stay up all night.
Don't get me wrong. I've had the Brazillian thing done. Just not by any good friends. They don't have any business down there. The thought gives me hives. We gotta move on here.
We finally all gave in around 0330 hrs. and I slept upstairs with Gee and the dog. I would give any amount of money to bet that I was the first one asleep. Well.....after Gee and the dog. Because they went to bed around midnight. Lightweights. I made sure they weren't getting my bra though. I hid it. And slept naked. That kept them away ALL night!!!
My alarm was supposed to go off at 0730 so I could get up and start breakfast. It didn't go off. I woke up at 0745 and headed downstairs. Made biscuits and gravy, breakfast casserole, and pancakes. Everyone got fed, dressed and we headed out on the town. Just to clarify...I didn't cook naked. I got dressed first.
Matilda and Mick were team 1. Bertha and myself were team 2. Here's the list of things we had to do. And we only had an hour to do them.
1- A member of your team kissing livestock (Team 1 kissed a horsey at the park. Really??? It wasn't even a real horse. It was a park toy. Team 2...well the photographer laughed her ass off while the brave one...and I mean brave...jumped a fence and quietly chased a herd of sheep until she could get close enough to kiss one...on the side...without pissing herself)
2- Your team pumping gas for and washing the windshield of a patron at a gas station (Team 1 was creative. I will give them that. They did 3 things at once. Team 2...well they had more FUN with this game. One pumped gasoline for a guy and the other cleaned his windshield for him)
3- Someone on your team giving a massage to someone they don’t know (Team 1 did this while pumping gas. Team 2 actually went into a business...that neither of them had ever stepped foot in before...and one member gave a massage while the other sang Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to them. Both team members were supposed to sing BUT I think the one giving the massage was really getting into touching her new lady friend)
4- Your team at a cemetery with a “famous name” or “famous character” on their tombstone (BOTH teams picked the name Armstrong. How funny was that??? I know that team 2 picked that name to honor the late Neil Armstrong that recently passed away. I think team 1 picked it simply because they couldn't find any other name. Either way...the thing that was awesome about it...well to me anyway...was that although the name was the same...they were 2 different stones...on opposite sides of the cemetary)
5- Your team carrying groceries out of a grocery store for a customer (From the pictures we saw, team 1 carried a bag or two out for some guy that looked like he didn't even want them around and team 2 carried out 14 or more bags, a case of water, AND 7 gallons of milk)
6- Your team on a slide (I will admit...team 1 had the better picture in my opinion. They had someone come to the park and take their picture while they both laid on the slide. Team 2 was having WAY too much fun at the park and utilized BOTH slides. One certain team member almost got stuck in one slide...so the other team member did what was expected...I laughed and walked away)
7- The entire team has to walk into a business and sing a random song to an employee. Afterward, the employee needs to sign the back of this paper stating the name of the business, the name of the song you sang, and print his or her name (Team 1 sang Happy Birthday to the lady working at the consignment shop because her birthday was a month away. Team 2 used this one as a multi-tasking step. Remember...I sang while Bertha got her rocks off)
8- Someone on your team proving that undergarments CAN be outergarments in public (Team 1 had Mick wearing Matilda's white bra in the park over his white t-shirt, fondling himself. Team 2 had Bertha put her black bra over her black t-shirt and go into the Casey's store and purchase a drink for her ride home. Because she's a loser that can't commit to a whole weekend with her friends)
9- Your team doing the “hokey pokey” in the middle of the street (Team 1 stood in the middle of the highway and blocked traffic. Team 2 stood in the middle of the highway lane...that was empty for that whole minute...because there was a lot of traffic in town that day...and didn't want to die a horrible death)
10- Your team in or on a “unique” vehicle (Team 1 each sat atop some tiny antique things. I couldn't really see them. I was amazed these two squatted that far down long enough to get a picture...without falling. I know how I would have been! Team 2 posed on top of a miniature tractor that was loaded on top of a trailer)
Now, imagine how fun this would have been had we done it under the influence of adult beverages!!
As I mentioned above, Bertha left her friends to party on while she went home and saw her son...visiting from college...whom she had just seen 5 days prior. It's ok. I'm not bitter. Much. You bitch.
I am going to stop here. There's plenty to go but I don't want this to run too long. I promise I won't wait a week or more to finish this up. Okay...I don't really PROMISE it...but I will do my best to get this wrapped up. I have PLENTY more to talk to you about AND my hundredth blog is coming right up.
I hope you are caught up on your reading!!! Until next time...keep your (own) pants on!
No comments:
Post a Comment