Before I get going here, I just want to say that ANYTIME corn bread is involved, there should also be ham and beans. I'm just putting it out there for the powers-that-be.
So Miss Bella spend the night last night with me. She accompanied me to Des Moines yesterday and helped me grocery shop. Helped. If shoving a handcuff key in her poor little gums is help, well she did a bang up job. No pun intended. Poor little girl. And she didn't want to give it up either. I don't know how she thought that stupid key was going to give her any relief by chewing on it. But hey, to each their own.
I decided I need to take a "helper" with me when we had loaded the groceries into the trunk and took the cart back to get my twenty five cents returned. I picked Bella up out of the cart and just as I put the blanket over her head, she had taken her stocking hat off and threw it to the ground. Grrrr. So here I am with a baby...with a blanket over her head, my purse on my arm...and I have to bend over and pick up this damn hat. And I did. As I came back up, my purse fell to the ground. Shat! I picked that up and by this time, I can tell Bella is getting pretty damn sick of that blanket over the top of her. So as I come back up with purse in hand, she throws the flippin blanket to the ground! Are you really really kidding me here people??? How the HELL do parents do this shit day to day??? I definitely wasn't cut out to the a mommy, I tell you that much.
However, I do love playing the part of the aunt.
I have a bib that I put on Bella when we eat. It says "Hi. I'm new here." I thought it was cute when I got it because she was "new" to us. Apparently the ladies at Perkins thought it was the cutest thing they had ever seen because every one of them had to come over and read it. Of course, that got us the hugest cookie this side of, well, .....my head! Wow!!! Thanks gals!!! I really didn't think it was THAT funny to the public. Meh, what do I know, huh??
We had just finished lunch, sitting at a stop light and I am chattering away to Bella because she's so tired and I had ONE more store to go to before I wanted her to fall asleep. As we are sitting there and I am going non-stop with my big mouth, I look over to my left and there's this man in this black shiny sedan. I see a kleenex hanging out of his nose...and I barely saw that because.....his WHOLE flipping pinky finger was UP HIS NOSE!!! I kid you not! I'm sure he was digging for an idea before he got to the office!!
And I didn't just glance at him either. We had plenty of time because we were about 3rd in line and it had JUST turned red when we got up there. Soooo.....I just sat there and watched him. And he never once noticed that I was watching one of the stupidest looking train wrecks of the day. Ok so...his right pinky finger was shoved up somewhere behind his eyeballs and he kept twisting and turning it. Around and back and around and back. You get the picture. NO? Well stick your right pinky finger up your nose and twist it and turn it. You'll get it in no time.
And as if that didn't make him look dumb enough...he had his fingers all fanned out so that it looked like he was waving at me. Had he looked my way, I had already decided to wave back at him. I'm seroius when I say that I sat and watched him for a good 10 seconds. The light turned green and we took off. Luckily he turned left because couldn't you just see me driving down 22nd Street gawking at the guy beside me whose finger was stuck in his brain???
After I got across the intersection...and got finished telling Bella how gross some people are in public...a thought came to mind. That was a HELL of a kleenex! Now I'm wishing he would have went straight because I might have just followed him and asked him, "Where, oh WHERE did you ever find Brawny kleenex?" I mean, the way he was twisting and turning that finger....I don't know that any ordinary tissue would have withstood such abuse. Holy bananas. I will have to keep an eye out for that stuff!
And my last thought on it was that the tissue had probably given out but he couldn't take it out and lick it until after he had gotten by me. HA! You're welcome for that!!!
Onward we go. To the last store of the day. And for those counting, that was only 2 stores. Aldi's and then Gordman's. I picked me out a pair of new jeans that I desperately need. Guess what? They are a size smaller!! SCORE!!! I have lost a total of 16 lbs and am keeping it off. I love it. Now to talk my husband into buying me another pair.....or two. We stalked the whole childrens department looking for something special for Bella but only came across a stocking hat...that is a girls hat (mommy, that's a side note for you)! It was on clearance and it was lavendar striped. Of course I loved it and she wore it the whole time in the store. With the mittens firmly attached at the top of the hat! HA!
Soon, Miss Bella will have to have her own dresser at our house. She almost has as many clothes as I have! And she needs them too because she gets her clothes changed about 3 times per day with me. Hahaha! She is newly outfitted with pajamas and socks so momma doesn't have to pack so much stuff to go between houses. I think I'm going to have to get a stroller for me though. I mean for Bella for my car. Damn, I wish I could sit in a stroller and have someone push me around the stores all day!
We were scouting the store because Bella wanted to get a Valentine's Day present for her momma and daddy and we saw the funniest site. No, not the nose picking Brawny. This woman...dressed to the nines...tight black pants (I think they were pants; don't think she was black), black sparkly long-sleeved sweater, hair in a ponytail...and high-heeled boots to her thighs...with fur around the top of them! She simply looked like the worse poodle I had ever seen!
And if that wasn't enough.....her child was dressed JUST. LIKE. HER (minus the high heels)!!! Oh my gerd, why don't people look in a mirror before leaving the house??? I'm sorry but if you think every outfit you see in a magazine is "hip," "cool," or "in," you are a COMPLETE. IDIOT. From me to you. And you're welcome. Models that are 3 inches in circumference can pull off things that normal people cannot. But this my friends...this outfit should not have been pulled off by ANY. ONE. PERSON.
We went to Atlantic for dinner last night with Kathy and Jackie. We ate at "The Feedlot" Steakhouse. It was a nice place. We hadn't ever eaten there before. If I had to "take it or leave it" though, I would definitely leave it. Overpriced food that didn't really have much taste to it. Even the homemade onion rings were taste-and-life-less! Sad. But it's always good to try new things and we had been wanting to try it. We did and we're done.
Oh, I almost forgot. When we were driving to Atlantic, Quintin says to me, "You would have made a wonderful mom." Of course I laughed and assured him I would not have. He follows that up with, "You are so much fun when we have Bella!" Wait a minute here! Did my husband just tell me that I am not fun unless there is a child involved??? Are you freaking serious??? I. AM. HI-LAR-EE-US!!! I think he's misinformed. He goes on to tell me that when we have Bella, I am a whole different person. Hello husband, it's called "responsible!!!"
He just laughs at me and "assures" me I have many more mom-capabilities than I want to admit. I have seven hundred twenty nine nieces and nephews running around in this world...of course I have some mom-capabilities!!! I just don't want to do it on a daily basis. Unless forced.
There just isn't enough duct tape in the world, I tell ya!
I will leave you with this question that had me wondering all night last night. Why is it after a child has crapped their diaper once or twice, that that is all you smell? I swear Quintin's ass-gas was the same putrid odor that came out of Bella's poopy green butt slime! Why is that???
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