You might want to strap yourself in for this one. Or maybe it's just me that shakes my head when I realize what the hell just went on in my home! I need my own reality show, I think. Anybody out there want to get started on that? I will be here. Waiting for you. With my eyes open and my fingers drumming.
Yesterday was the first day back to work after my 4 day near-death-influenza-paralyzation scare. You can imagine I was exhausted when I got home. After all, I hadn't went more than an hour (at the most) at a time, awake, since Friday night. So of course, I fought the nap. I was going to try to make myself stay up until bed time. An early bed time. Well I stayed up until about 6:15pm and Quintin had come home from work and plopped down on the futon and that's all it took. My body was instantly jealous and was ready to protest. I told him he had to get up because I had to lay down and take a power nap.
Told him to wake me in half an hour and what did he do? He went upstairs and worked on the new bathroom. Yep, I slept for an hour and a half. Here it was, almost 8:00pm and we hadn't had dinner yet or anything. So to the kitchen I go and make up some wheat spaghetti. One of our favorites. Eat, do dishes, clean up the kitchen, start a load of laundry, change clothes and head to bed. It was after 11:00pm and I was beat.
Q, of course, was "not sleeping" in his recliner and that's right where I left him. I get into bed and can't wait to fall asleep.....just to lay there and not be able to go to sleep. Way to go Shellie. You just HAD to lay down and take a nap! Why didn't you set your alarm? Well...because my phone was in the other room (on vibrate) and I would have had to get up and I just couldn't get up. Not at that point!
Moving on...I would almost fall asleep and then, just that fast, be wide awake again. It was the weirdest thing. I listened to music for the longest time. That's how I usually go to sleep. My MP3 player sings to me and I dance off to dreamland. Not this time. It wasn't happening. I remember Q coming to bed and my eyes were wide open but I felt like I was on the verge of falling asleep. So....again, I was wide awake because he has to shake it like it's hot. The bed. Nothing else. We have a king sized bed and he can still wake me up by just getting into bed because he's such a giant bed hog. And it doesn't help when he practically makes a run from the stairway at full speed and barrels into the bed like a linebacker into a cheeseburger.
He was asleep in minutes. Maybe seconds. I have always envied that. It's not that I have a hard time falling asleep (usually), it's just that sometimes I wish I could relax that fast. Oh well. I have to mentally go through my day in my head and make sure I didn't forget anything and then I fall into blissful sleep. But like I said...it wasn't happening this night!
Checked Facebook to see if I was missing anything super. I wasn't. Big let down. Listen to the music some more. I remember looking at the phone and it was 00:49. I was awake a little while after that but not too much longer I'm sure.
*bleep* *bleep* *bleep* *bleep* WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. THAT. 4 text messages. I kid you not. It is 2:06 in the damn morning and I JUST got to sleep an hour ago and someone feels the need to send a stupid *(%#!*$ text??? Are you kidding me??? Usually I turn my phone front side down and it won't sound my alerts but since I was having a hard time falling asleep, I had used my phone and laid it down the "normal" way. SHAT!!!
So here are these 4 text messages from this jackass wanting to discuss what his woman and I had already discussed about 4 hours earlier. Or 5. I can't remember and I really don't care. I do know that we had arranged to talk about our situation at a later time. But that asshat decided he needed to jump in and take over. At 2:06am. If he would have waited until this morning, I would have GLADLY just called him back and talked to him. But no. I wanted to go to sleep. I had to be at work at 8:00am and I knew it wasn't going to be an easy feat to get back to sleep. I kindly texted him to delete my phone number and then I black listed him on my phone list so he can't send me anything else. Or call me. Well, he can but it won't go to me. THEN I went back to Facebook and unfriended the SOB.
I mean it was pretty apparent to me at this point that he didn't have any respect for me so why should I give a rat's ass if I ever saw or talked to him again? Back to bed I go. Toss. Turn. Think. Go over the day's events. Go over the weekend's events. Toss. Think. Turn. Turned on the tv and watched those bitches for a while. If they would just show Khloe, I would watch nothing else. But they don't. I can't stand those snotty girls. After that it was "FatChef." Have you ever watched that? Well I think it's a fantastic show. Too bad the only two times I have ever seen it, it was the same episode each time. And it was like 6 months between viewings. Just my luck.
Back to Facebook. I "liked" about 25 different pages of cake bakers/decorators. Some from Australia and some from England and some from the good ole US of A. I love the things people do with their food and I am very very jealous of their talent and patience. I wish I had half of theirs.
So, I'm having a good time looking at cakes when all of a sudden, the husband's leg starts twitching. And it keeps twitching. It has a rhythm to it. And just as soon as I get the rhythm down, he stops. And then...as soon as I think he's done, he starts up again. It was damn maddening, I tell ya!!! And gas!!! My word, I can't make myself even understand how it is possible for a person to fart as much as this man farts and NOT EVEN KNOW IT. I can tell you 100% truth...when I have to fart at night, I wake up. I hate that feeling of gas in my tummy so it wakes me anytime. Cripes, I just admitted to farting. I think this isn't the first time though. Now that I think about it, there was the night I was working out and let a butt howl that I was certain woke my husband on the floor above me. And then of course I had to "show my ass" for the x-ray tech while getting my foot x-ray'd. Ok, I will stop. I'm human.
But seriously folks. How do guys do that? How do they just let their buttholes flap and not even realize it? I was pretty certain, at this point, that the gas would put me "in a fog," so to speak and I would either go to sleep or just stop breathing altogether. No luck. I survived the gas plague with no scars or discoloration. From holding my breath you sicko.
Then, my dear husband puts his head on his hands and his head is perched in the air. No pillow needed. He was sleeping on his stomach. I had never seen anything like it. I was just waiting for his head to start spinning around and so I made sure my Bible was in my bedside table just in case I needed to perform some kind of exorcism. But he didn't do anything. But sleep. Isn't that weird??? So I reached out and touched his head because well...it was dark and I didn't know if he was looking at me or not. And I had to know. He wasn't. Thanks be to baby Jesus!!
I lay back down. TV is off. Music is off. I am telling myself that it's time to sleep. Whether I want to or not. And Q yells. LOUD. And it came out something like, "whassit!" I nearly pissed the bed. I look to the door because I wonder if I need to take someone out and nobody is there. And his head is still perched on his damn hands!!!! What is going on in this house??? I whisper to him, "what?' I get no answer of course because even when he sleeps, he has selective hearing. A little louder this time, "what?" "whassit!" I am totally baffled and almost afraid to talk because my heart is racing so bad already. "Quintin why did you yell?" He drops his head down on the pillow and says to me, "I don't know." Snore. You've gotta be kidding me here peeps!
One thing I did notice though is that when his head was perched, he didn't once twitch. Not once!! I think I'm on to something here. I laid there and patted myself on the back for that one. I'm sure I've just discovered some medical mystery. They can call this cure the Shellie-sleep-away.
Okay so he yelled and I nearly pissed and shit the bed. Excuse my language but I just have to be frank with you about this. I need you to understand that he scared the bejeezus right out of me. Within a second of him going right back to sleep, he flopped over to my side of the bed. Now this is serious. We have a 7ft king size bed. Why does he need this much room??? We have discussed this. I hate it when someone is touching me when I'm sleeping. Or trying to sleep. I guess I wasn't doing either at this point but I still didn't want him touching me.
And his butt, of all things, was on my knee. Ugh you've got to be kidding me!!! As I tried to decide the best route out of this mess, he farts. ON. MY. KNEE. Well, there was his underwear and blanket and my blanket (yes, we have our own) between his blow hole and my knee but that is just gross! I can appreciate a good fart like the rest but you don't fart on people. What if they shart and don't know it??? Oh my goodness I can't bear to think about it. Of course AFTER he farts, he felt that was a great time to roll back to his zip code. Dude you have a serious ass gas problem. I love you but sometimes you're a dick. Take that.
At the beginning of the night, when he immediately fell asleep, I checked his pulse to make sure he was breathing because he was sleeping so quietly. I couldn't even feel if his chest was rising. Had I known what was in store, I would have just taken the chance on waking up to a cold fish. Oh well, can't go back now, can we??? There's another thing I don't understand. How someone...anyone...can sleep that still; that quiet. I'm pretty sure I have never slept like that in my lifetime. I think it's time we invest in a video recorder and tape ourselves sleeping. I just gotta know!
So by now it's about 5:00am and I have resolved to get a near 2 hours sleep if it kills me. Everything is off...but the fan...and his heater...and I am talking myself down. When his alarm goes off. I'm serious people. I can't make this shit up! And what do you think he did? He hit snooze. So I KNEW that in 15 minutes, that damn alarm was going off again. F*** it, I am starting a blog list before I forget what just happened here this night. So tap tap tap I go. And 15 minutes later, I am done and the alarm goes off and we both get up.
I could have "slept" another hour and a half but come on, who are we trying to fool here? Got another load of laundry done before I went to work. Today at work, I find out I am one of four people that are close to me (in work and in proximity), that have been awake since 3:00am or earlier. I think it's time to start a middle-of-the-night coffee club. What the hell else do we have to do at that time of the night? Apparently not sleep!!!
So now it's 10:45 and I am going strong. I have made a mountainous homemade pizza, did 710 ab crunches on my lounger, showered, talked to a friend on the phone, and typed up this blog. Go me!
How was your day???
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