My sister is the breast!

On Halloween 2013, my sister Kathy did the neatest trick and got the best treat E.V.E.R.  She went in for a breast reduction.  I don't even know if I can stress to you how much breastage she lost.  And as I look around me, I silently...and not so secretly hope...that I never ever find what she lost.  Unless it appears in my butt.  Then it's okay.  Breastage in my buttage. 

I don't think I was a bit prepared for that day at all.  I worked until midnight the night before.  Had to get gas in my car before heading home or well...I would have been camping on the side of the road that night.  So, I got the gasoline and headed home. 

Home.  To where I had to clean up two large bowel movement turds that my dear Buddy left for me.  So weird.  My husband is upstairs in bed.  All the lights are off in the house.  The dogs about pummelled me as I came in the door.  And there is poop on my diningroom floor.  I turned the light on and looked around.  Just waiting for someone to jump out at me and tell me that the world was coming to an end.  It. Never. Happened.

And the world hasn't come to an end.  I'll take it!

It is a R.A.R.E. occasion when my husband can take his weary arse to bed at night.  Well...without the aide of me telling him I will throw his pillow and blanket down the stairs and he can just keep them on the couch.  With the dogs.  Yeah...that usually gets him to bed.  Unless I don't WANT to share the bed.  THEN...I not only get the whole King sized bed to myself...where I can lay corner to corner...BUT...I get to keep the remote on the bed...AND...my mp3 player...AND...my iPod shuffle.  Yep...and I don't have to worry about anybody rolling over on my stuff and ruining it.  Or turning the tv on accidentally.  Or smacking me in the head with something.

So anyway...where was I?  Dang it, did you see how fast that car was going?  Knocked me right off course, the dirty pig. 

Poop picked up.  Hands washed.  Contacts out.  Insulin shot taken.  Dirty dishes in the dishwasher (another rareity but I knew I wouldn't have time to do them).  Dog's water dish filled.  Laundry put in wash machine.  Change of clothes set out for morning.  Bedtime for me.  Finally.

Get into bed only to find myself just laying there; wishing I had ceiling tiles to count; oh and a nightlight; so I could see said ceiling tiles.  Next thing I know, I hear this awful sound in my right ear.  "What the hell is that???"  Pretty sure the neighbors heard me ask that.  Sorry Terri and Vanessa.  Guess what?  It was my alarm.

Yep, it was already 4:15am and it went by just that fast.  Ugh!  I wake my dear sleeping husband up to tell him I was getting ready to leave for Kathy's surgery and would be back in time to go to work so the dogs would be his chore for the day.  He grunted and turned his back to me.  As usual.  As I am getting ready to get in the shower, I get a text message from Zach...stating that they just left their house and are on their way.  Time to put 'er into high gear Shellie.

If there is such a thing as a power shower, I did it.  Forgot to shave my legs but at the time, I didn't really give a crap.  Later in the day...yeah I was giving a crap about my hairy legs.  Oh well.  I hurried around and got my stuff together and headed to the car.  As I am getting IN my car, I realize "Ummmm...they are coming here to meet up with you Shellie."  A quick text back to Zach and I am headed for Greenfield Caseys to fill my coffee cup.

"Didn't I just see you here at midnight?"  I thought they were supposed to greet their customers with "Hello" or "Good Morning" or something nice like that??  I grumbled and went to the coffee pots and stuck my mouth under three of them.  AT ONE TIME.  As I get in the car, Kathy and kids pull up.  Jackie got in my car so fast, I barely spotted her getting out of their car.  She likes to ride with me because I'm the cool aunt.  And I am fun.  And well...she knows she doesn't have to say a damn word if she doesn't want to.  And she pretty much didn't.

"Want me to pass your mom?"  The USUAL answer would be "Yes!!"  Today, the answer was "I don't care."  After all, it's 4:45am.  I will cut her some slack.  I did strike up a conversation with her though.  We talked just long enough to tell me she was scared that her mom was having surgery and then she was done.  So I sang to her.  Yep.  Country music.  The good stuff that 107.9 plays.  You know...songs like "Take this job and shove it," and "The devil went down to Georgia."  Back in the day's music.  Now that's some country I can really sink my teeth into.

We got to DeSoto and pulled into the Caseys there.  Got the kids a donut and drink (because the cool aunt delivers to his nephew at the hospital) and headed back to the interstate.  "Do you like this music Jackie?"  And I got a fast and flat "NO."  I'm surprised I didn't wreck the car.  Glad I didn't but I'm shocked.  This was some damn good music playing.  She just doesn't understand. 

Fine.  Change stations and it's playing Aerosmith's Dude Looks Like A Lady.  I turn it up and belt it out.  Jackie never even glanced up at me.  I guess it was just too early for this girl this time.  I have had 3 hours of sleep and she is the one that is tired.  Pshhhh!!!  I knew my time was coming though.  This was going to catch up to me.  After all, I still had to go to work at 4pm. 

Get to the hospital and Kathy gets checked in.  I get to be "Primary Contact" so I got the honor of wearing an adhesive badge stating such.  Big deal.  It wasn't long and we were going back to pre-op to get her ready.  I could tell Jackie was a nervous wreck because she didn't want to talk to ANYONE.  Not even her mom.  AND she forgot a pen so she couldn't write on her notecards.  Pretty sure she was miserable. 

Got the funny socks, gown and hat on the patient and she was in very good spirits before finally heading off, at 8:00am...only half an hour late...to surgery.  We were told it would take 3 hours and then about 2 hours recovery.  Then, IF they had a room for her, they would come get us when it was time to take her there.  IF they had a room.  Because sometimes they don't have enough rooms.  Seriously folks.  Sometimes they don't have enough rooms.  I keep saying it just so I can make myself get it.  I don't get it.

The three of us left and went to QT for something to eat.  I settled for cheese sticks of various flavors and sizes and a granola bar.  I stayed away from my most favoritest QT food in the world.  Taquitos.  I live for them.  Not this time though.  Got a coffee refill and we headed back to the hospital.  They had an area downstairs that had these comfy looking couches so we decided to go down there and sit and eat.  Guess what.  It's right NEXT to the Cafe and you CAN NOT eat or drink on the couches.  You guessed it.  I pulled the BS card immediately.

So we sat in the Cafe and ate our food that we did not purchase there.  Then I realized that my phone was about half battery and if they were gonna need to get ahold of me...they, meaning the hospital staff...I would need some charge on my phone.  And it probably wouldn't hurt if I got a little shut-eye in the process.  A short nap maybe.  To the cars we go.  Zach to their car and Jackie and I to mine. 

I had a blanket that I offered to share with Jackie.  Whom refused said blanket.  And when I told her she could lay the seat back and take a nap with me, I got "I know."  So I did what any red-blooded American woman would do.  I covered up with the blanket and laid on my side and closed my eyes.  "What time is it?"  We came outside at 9am so I knew it was just a little after.  I answered her and kept my eyes shut.  Oh...there comes that peaceful feeling of drifting off into never..."How is mom doing?"  Seriously??  "Jackie, what is Zach doing?"  She is just staring into the next car at her brother.  "Playing on his phone." 

Not sure how I'm going to get to sleep at this point.  "He is listening to music so he can take a short nap.  Like you need to do.  We all got up too early this morning."  I hear a deep heavy sigh and she lays the seat back while saying "I know."  Then I was out.  It wasn't for long but it was perfect for what I needed.  "I think we better check on mom."  Up and at 'em folks.  We have a girl who is NOT taking a breather today.  I had to peel my "Primary Contact" badge off the blanketBack into the hospital we go.  As the nurse sees us come in, she says, "Oh the doctor was just looking for you.  Hang on and I will go get him."  Really you jack asses.  I had my phone with me the entire time. 

Which, by the way, did not charge.  It held the current charge but it did not charge it back up.  Stupid charger anyway.  It was now 11:04 and we get to go in this closet so the doctor with no sense of humor can tell us that everything went fine.  They took 3 lbs. off each side and I swear he said thirty hundred million killobo-something-or-other grams.  Yeah...okay so I didn't get enough sleep.  He leaves and we go back to the waiting room.  Or lobby.  Whichever you want to call it. 

We split up into teams to find potties and then sit and watch tv.  For 2 hours.  "Can I go see my sister yet?  They said it would be 2 hours.  It's been 2 hours."  She is still in recovery and they are just waiting for a room to open up.  Fine.  Back to the tv.  About 45 minutes later, I finally told them that I had to leave for work soon and I would like to see my sister and her kids need to see her.  That sped it up a little bit.

We were not only escorted back to the recovery room but given $4.00 lunch vouchers for the Cafe since we waited so long.  Should have told them we missed breakfast too.  Oh well.  When we got back there, she was pretty out of it.  She did say that she started to get nausea.  Not nauseated.  She said she got nausea when they moved her.  Like it is a disease or something.  Contagious.  Funny.  She kept her puke bag close to her and I appreciated that like no other.

I asked if I could take some pictures to which she told me no.  She mumbled some stuff about the laundry...again, I had no clue what she was talking about...so she yelled at me.  In her best exhausted voice...about washing Jackie's sweatshirt.  As her favorite son says, "She's fine.  She's growling at us while she's out of it."  Yep.

She did agree to let me look down her gown though.  Couldn't see a damn thing except for a tube top looking thingy that I may have to borrow one of these days.  Sure is a cute thing.  She looked flat chested too.  That was a strange sight seeing her flat-chested.

So it was time to leave and go to work.  Boo!  I was pretty sure I would be tired on the drive home but I wasn't.  That was a pleasant surprise.  Now I think that the zombies on  The Walking Dead could drive if they really wanted to.  I mean, what's with all that walking everywhere stuff???  Yeah, I was feeling pretty numb to most everything.  Except bad drivers.  I wasn't numb to those idiots.  Can't they just get out of my way?

So again, I got off work at midnight and Zach and Jackie came up at 9:30 and we headed back to Des Moines.  Stopped at Wal-Mart but even Jackie didn't want to be there.  She just wanted to be with her mom.  So we headed to the hospital.  When we got there, she was eating lunch.  We were gonna eat lunch but decided against it because we didn't want her to not get to eat with us if she was ready to be discharged.  Duh.  Off to Ryan's we go.  Where I was a good girl and ate only the stuff I am supposed to.  And 2 bites of carrot cake.  Just because I had to.  The woman shoved it in front of me.  I think if I hadn't of taken it, she would have chased me down and forced it down my throat.

Oh yeah...did I mention I had a piece of meat loaf?  I am still trying to decide if it was made with Old Roy, Alpo, or just dog/cat meat.  That was the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten.  And I have eaten some pretty nasty stuff in my day.

Back to the hospital and I didn't hurt anyone on the road.  It's funny though because we witnessed a couple of people screaming at the drivers in front of them and waving their hands like they were fanatics.  Geesh get over yourself asshole.  Maybe you should leave a little earlier next time and you won't have to hurry.  Dick.

We were told she would be dismissed mid-day.  I don't know where my head was at, thinking mid-day would be noon or close to.  Nope.  Mid-day for Dr. Spencer or whatever the hell that man's name is...is 2:00-ish.  I am going to start wearing my BS card on my sleeve. 

I got to watch the nurse clean the wounds and boy was I shocked at how THAT looked.  At one point, Kathy asked me what that face was all about that I was making.  "You look like you have been sliced and diced, literally.  Like Jason Vorhies (Friday the 13th bad guy) got ahold of you and then gave you to Freddy (Nightmare on Elm St.)."  It looked so bad, so painful...but it was so interesting all at the same time.  I wish I would have taken a picture because she wouldn't have believed it until she saw it, like me. 

I'm sure she has seen it by now.  Whoa.  But let me say this.  Compared to what she looked like before, she seemed to be almost flat chested now.  It's weird seeing her without her boobies.  Her big boobies.  I can't wait to go bra shopping with her!!  She had so much taken off of her breasts that somebody wrote "Mastectomy" on her chart.  And that's exactly what it looks like!  Like she had her breasts removed!  Hahaha

So anyway, groggy Kathy got to go home finally.  And she is recovering nicely.  And even when she was 90% asleep in the backseat of my car, she was trying to tell me how to get out of Des Moines.  Don't worry, I already know how!  If you know my sister, you just won't believe your eyes when you actually see her.  Pictures do no justice.  I can't wait until she is done wearing that tube top thingy.  Not only because I am going to take it either.  I just want to see her boobs now!  HA!!!

Until next time...thanks for reading!