cankles and bat wings

Feels like forever since I"ve been here.  I almost feel like a stranger and need re-introduced to the "group."  Over the past few days...yesterday especially...I have thought about a hundred different things to blog about.  Of course now that I'm here.....all I got is "cankles."  Seriously.  That's the only thing I can remember that I was thinking about. 

I even remember telling myself to write it down or jot it on the notepad on my phone but NOOOOOOO, I didn't do it!  So cankles it is for now.

A few years ago, my cousin flew in from Vegas.  She had lost a LOT of weight and looked fantastic.  We had stopped and had lunch with my aunt...her grandma...and my cousin...her uncle, whom had flown in with her.  After lunch we were in the parking lot so she could have a cigarette and she was going on about how lucky I was that I could wear shorts.  I told her that with the weight she had lost, she should be wearing short skirts instead of long dresses and she proceeds to tell me that she can't because she has "cankles." 

Pretty sure I gave her the "deer in the headlights" look because I had never heard that word in my life, until that day.  Of course I blurted out "What in God's name are cankles?"  She's several years younger than me and was baffled that I had never heard of them.  She goes on to tell me that she ...........oh I just remembered the other thing I was going to talk about.....bat wings..........

Oh dear.

So anyway, she goes on to lift her dress enough to show her calves and ankles; to which she refers to as her cankles.  Apparently she cannot see where her calf ends and her ankle starts.  I don't even thnotice stuff like that when I see someone in shorts or a dress.  Well, I didn't up until then.  And I don't now either...unless I'm extremely bored and in a place to people watch.  Like the mall.  Because I can't stand going there so sitting is the best option for me on most occasions.

But I do keep an eye on my ankles a lot now.  I go to great lengths to make sure my husband knows where my calf ends and my ankle begins.  Of course he thinks I'm silly. 

Of course he does.

And then there are the bat wings.  Ugh this almost makes me shudder.  Someone once told me that I was pretty shallow to think that is a terrible thing to happen.  Maybe it isn't such a "terrible" thing to happen but that doesn't mean I want it.  The gal that told me I was shallow probably didn't ever want those crows feet that she has around her eyes either.  Yet she has them. 

I had heard of bat wings before.  A long long time before.  Back in junior high school when Mrs. McCune would write on the chalk board and her wings would erase what she just wrote.  We always thought that was funny when we were kids.  Don't get me wrong, she was one of my favorite teachers and although she could be pretty scary, I probably learned more from her than I did any other teacher.  Of course she did have us in the "fundamental years." 

Moving on.....

I never really thought about bat wings while I was growing up.  Unless you count the ones that were on the actual bats that would fly through our house when we lived at the jail house.  Yeah, I didn't quite go for that.  Hated those things!

Did I ever tell you the story about the bat in my bedroom in our current house?  Yeah...remind me to do that! 

My dear sister Kathy and I were at a motel.  I think it was when we drove to Cincinnati actually.  We had gotten a room at the Motel 6 and were changing and Kathy says something to the effect of "Look at my bat wings."  Pretty sure I froze for a second before we laughed...because it suddenly hit me that WE were the age now that we could be getting such things!  Oh. Em. Gee. 

"You don't have bat wings" I say with a laugh!  She peels off her shirt and grabs this fleshy part of her arm and squeezes it.  I giggled.  She giggled.  But then I had to peel my shirt off and check mine.  And here's what I found:

My pathetic little noodle arms wouldn't be able to withstand the WEIGHT of a bat wing!  I literally have noodles.  I'm pretty sure I have told you this a hundred times by now.  The good news is, I don't have bat wings and I'm pretty sure that I won't have.  But if I ever do, they will be the sorriest looking wings you'll ever see. 

I take that back.  You aren't going to see them.  I will wear jackets, sweaters, and long-sleeved shirts forever.  Yes, even in 100 degree heat.  I do that now sometimes.  It's the only way I can keep my feet warm all year long.  Trust me.  I know it sounds ridiculous but it's true.  August is about the only time of year I don't have a problem keeping my feet warm. 

Now that we have the cankles and bat wings out of the way, I will tell you that story about the bat. 

Quintin and I have lived in this house for 4 years now.  There is a church just across the yard from us and I'm sure there are plenty of bats that fly around there.  And as I have stated several times before, I sleep with three blankets...one being a comforter...one a heavy quilt that was made for my Grandpa Lock by a dear friend of his...and one a light blanket.  None of that really matters but I am too lazy to go back and delete it. 

I had to be up early one morning so I went to bed earlier than Quintin.  I had my three blankets on top of me.  I had a box fan blowing on me.  I had a ceiling fan on high directly above me.  Our bedroom window has room-darkening shades and curtains...because I don't want any light when I sleep if I can help it...and the walls are a nice chocolate brown.  I'm laying there trying to fall asleep and I hear it. 

You know that sound.  When a bird...or in this case...a bat...is flying over you.  I will reiterate here that I am terrified of things that fly.  Clarifying, animals that fly.  Insects, rodents,  whatever.  Fear kicks in and I am paralyzed at first.  What am I going to do? 

I throw the blankets over my head and kind of scream.  Of course nobody could hear me because I'm under all those blankets and well...how would someone hear me all the way downstairs??? 

Anyway, I'm under the blankets and I can still hear that thing flying around.  I pull the sides of the blankets up under my feet and under my sides and under my head.  Kind of like my own casket.  Well it didn't take long and it started to get hot under there and I KNEW I wouldn't be able to stay in there the whole night. 

Really fast, I stick my hand out and grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand.  The whole time I was thinking that either that thing was going to see me and light down on my hand or worse...it would be sitting on my nightstand and I would grab IT!  Oh dear, I'm surprised I didn't pee the bed.

I got the phone and I dialed Quintin's cell.  He was downstairs.  Directly below me.  But couldn't hear me.  Because there was only one vent in the whole upstairs and it was in the other room.  "Hello?"  I'm pretty sure he was wondering why I was calling him instead of just coming downstairs but no.............that wasn't happening!

"There's a bat flying around our bedroom and I can hear it and it won't go away.  Come get it!"  I'm pretty sure I sounded hysterical but I was trying to be calm so the bat didn't hear me and hide or anything dumb like that.  Next thing I hear is Quintin sitting up in his recliner and head upstairs.  Oh good, it's about over. 

He doesn't come right in and I'm wondering just WHAT is taking him so long.  Come to find out, he was looking for something to hit the bat with.  Good idea.  "Where is it at?"  I hear him say?  "I don't know but I can still hear it.  I'm not coming out from under these blankets until you get it!"  Suddenly the noise stops.  Phew finally.

"You got it!  Where was it?  Where is it?"  I am almost shrieking when I pull the blankets off of myself.  Quintin is standing there just laughing.  He can't stop laughing.  Of course that just makes me think that the stupid thing is right beside me or by my head or something and I start to scream and pull the blankets back when he says to me, "There isn't a bat!"

There was a bat, man!  I heard it flying around.  It flapped!  I didn't imagine that sound!  Nope, turns out I didn't imagine it at all.  Quintin flips the switch to the ceiling fan and tells me to just listen.  Yep.  The ceiling fan was making that noise.  Oh man I was so relieved!  The next day I cleaned that ceiling fan really good and I know that whenever I hear it again, it's time to clean the ceiling fan.

I wonder how long I can go until a real bat shows up and I don't think one thing about it???  Now I go to sleep with music blaring in my ears so I won't ever know it's flying around unless Quintin tells me or it gets inside my blankets. 

THEN I WILL PEE THE BED!!!

Until next time...thanks for reading!  And if I don't remember next time, someone remind me I have a squatter story to tell!!!