First off, I just want you to know that I think this blog is against my better judgement but my dear sister Kathy planted a seed and well...here it is.
Right now I feel at odds with several things in my life. My job is my biggest hurdle right now. It has made me yearn for the time when I am alone so I can just think and let my tears fall. The time when nobody can see how others' words and reactions affect me and it is also the time when I pick at myself for taking my emotional stress out on everybody that comes into contact with me.
I have not been myself for a little while now and I don't know how to fix me. If you are reading this and you work with me at all...I am sorry. That's all I can do right now.
So, with that being said...I will let my tears fall as I type and tell you a story that my dear sister loves so much.
Recently, my wonderful husband mismanaged his money. And to make matters worse, he mismanaged it two...yes TWO days after he got paid. Me, being the good wife, told him I would get him some cash to get him through the week.
"I only need $20. I don't have to drive this week so I won't need much."
Cool. I got him some cash and life goes on, right? Uh huh! The very next day, he calls me at work and tells me that the alternator and starter went out of his truck but his uncle was on his way over with a new alternator because he had a warranty on this one he put in just a couple months ago. Awesome.
"How much is the starter?" I asked him, not really wanting to hear the answer because I didn't want to buy the part.
"$51 and it has a lifetime warranty at O'Reilly's"
"Well you're going to have to wait until you get paid because I don't have a lot of extra money this week." And he was fine with that and I should have just left it alone.
Okay maybe I told a little white lie about not having the money but he DID say he didn't need to drive anywhere this week!!! Before the end of the night though, I had called him back and asked him to text me the information for the part and that I would run to Creston in the morning and get it for him.
I know that if I didn't NEED my car for anything and it was disabled, I would really WANT it for something and well, to be honest, I don't want my loving husband driving my car if I can help it. So I went and got the part the next day, feeling like I had been driven over by a fleet of super buses, but with a smile on my face. After all, this man had just gotten me the gun I have wanted for a long time. I kinda felt like l owed him a little bit.
When he got home that day, he put the starter in and life was good. I felt so bad that day that I asked him to order a pizza and I would pay for it. Anything to get out of having to get out of that chair until it was time to get ready for work!!! So he goes to get the pizza, with my debit card in his greedy, dirty hand...and comes back with pizza, chips (not one bag but two!!!), and TWO huge bottles of Mountain Dew. He knows I hate that he drinks so much of that crap anyway but I didn't care. I didn't feel good and I just didn't care. Simple as that.
It was then that he tells me that he took a load of scrap to the junk yard today (or whatever that place is called) and didn't have much. Only made $33. Again, I didn't care.
At this point anyway. (Sorry, I will stop dragging this out so much)
Two nights later, hubby says to me "I am going to order some shrimp from Casey's. You want anything?"
"I will take some chicken strips." I still wasn't feeling well so again, I had no plans to get out of the chair until I was forced.
The order is placed and I hear him counting his money. Knowing he should have most of his $33 burning a hole in his pocket, I said "You can take my debit card if you want." I guess what I should have stated was "You can take my debit card and pay for my chicken strips with that." Lesson learned.
He comes back with two orders of shrimp, chicken strips, a bag of Doritos, and two large Mountain Dews. And he says to me...which doesn't even register until the next day..."I didn't put the pop on your debit card." Imagine the look of shock and stupidity on my face when I realized what he had said. It was like the light cleared the fog!!! Well thanks for not putting the pop on my card, you jackass! I'm so happy pay for a meal that you asked me to join in on! Ugh!!!
And here is where it gets good.
"Hey babe. Since you have been so good at spending my money this week, I am going to need you to bring me dinner tomorrow night at work since you get paid tomorrow." Of course he thought this was great. Any chance he gets to eat Mexican food, he is thrilled.
"Oh, and when you bring my dinner, I will also need you to bring me some pads." Imagine crayons falling out of the bottom of the box. That is exactly what his face looked like. Like someone opened up the bottom and the color just fell out.
"Are you serious?" It was almost like he was planking while standing up. Rigid and straight as an arrow.
"Yes I'm serious and here's where you need to take notes because I don't want period pads. I want bladder control pads. I don't have a period, remember. What I do have is bronchitis and anytime I cough, I pee. It's not something I'm proud of. It's just a fact of life. And I will be going on a girls trip soon and those bitches make me laugh. I can't go around with pissy pants."
"So you want Always pads." He just puts it out there like he's an expert on this subject. And then there's me who doesn't even realize that Always makes a bladder control pad.
"NO! Not Always. I want bladder control panty liners. You are going to have to go to the store and stand there and READ the packages. Anything more than a panty liner feels like a literal mattress between my legs and it's not like I go around and intentionally piss my pants!!" I really wanted this to hurt a little bit and the more I talked, the more it seemed to really punch him in the gut.
This was working out just like I wanted it to. I even explained the whole concept behind "minimum and maximum absorbency," like a good wife. That look of horror on his face was awesome.
So...the next evening, Quintin shows up to my work with food and "extra bags" in hand. He sets the two bags on my desk and goes to sit down with the food. I notice that the bags are huge and wonder what he has done. After we eat dinner and talk, he tells me to check and see if he brought me the right stuff.
I pull one package out of the bag and it's HUGE. I could tell immediately that he got mattress pads. Ugh! "28 maximum absorbency ALWAYS bladder control pads." Yes, I realize he got the right KIND but he got the wrong everything else, so don't you dare side with him!!!
"Quintin what the hell???" He just starts laughing and says "What?"
"I can not wear a mattress pad in my pants! I. Can. Not!"
"Sorry! I wasn't sure. Well look at it this way, you can tinkle even more times with these."
"That isn't funny and you know it."
"Okay, so what's the difference between those and what's in the other bag because even though they are the same brand, they are different apparently. I didn't know so I got them both."
I should have just stopped while I was ahead. Why did I even look?
"19 maximum absorbency bladder protection ALWAYS UNDERWEAR! UNDERWEAR QUINTIN??!!?? ARE YOU SHITTING ME???" I did not even know they made these things!
He laughed. And he laughed. And he couldn't stop laughing. And then I got to laughing, turned to him and said "You have to return these."
*S-I-L-E-N-C-E*
"The hell I am."
I pulled the receipt out of the bag and just then noticed that he had went to ShopKo. The one store I won't shop at unless it's a dying necessity. And then I see that he has paid $26 for two bags of mattress pads and pissy pants.
"Dude, you paid $26 for these??? Are you delirious??? You are taking these back!"
"NO. I am not taking them back."
"Fine. I am taking them back and keeping the money."
And I did. I walked right into ShopKo Greenfield and said to the poor young boy working the register, "I am about to embarrass you just a little bit," to which I get the reply "Oh great."
I drop them on the counter and say "I sent my husband in with specific instructions on what to get and he got exactly the opposite of what I said. Not only does not have a clue about women in general, he knows nothing about his wife." I thought this poor kid was going to die laughing. He wasn't embarrassed at all and ends up the transaction with "Hey, you gotta give him credit for even trying at all."
As I walk away, I glared at him with my meanest look I could muster without laughing and said "No. I do not give him credit for anything that directly affects what we just went through. This man has known me for far too long to mess this up!"
Then I proceeded to go to Dollar General and spend $2.65 on 64 of those beautiful little panty liners and pocketed the rest of that money! Ha!
Suffice it to say, my husband thinks he won this little battle. He hasn't, of course. Oh the game is on and it is just beginning!!!
Until next time, thanks for reading. I know I worked out a few tears. Both from laughter and sadness! Hope you enjoyed Kathy's new favorite story!!!
2015/03/15
I had a dream
Have you ever had a dream that you are scared to think too much about? Like one of those dreams that you feel like you shouldn't even talk about? All the while knowing that this dream meant bad, bad things? Yet you can't explain it? You haven't? Me either!! Ha, I wish. I have debated whether or not to even type this up because for starters, it probably isn't going to make any sense to anyone but me. but here I am because I can't get it out of my head. It's like one of those songs that you can't get out of your head.
Even though I sit here with it all ready to come out in print, I will not "publish" until all my guys are safely back to their homes. As much as I know "visually" that this dream showed immediate family, the guys I work with are just like brothers to me. Hell, I'm closer to them than my own flesh and blood brothers.
So there I was. In dreamland. Or in some kind of catatonic state, I'm not sure which right now. You see, I have been fighting respiratory and sinus issues all week. This crap started out with that tight chest feeling that makes you want to cough until you piss yourself and it worked it's way to my head; giving me nothing but long-lasting sinus headaches that make me want to cut my forehead open and pull whatever that creature is, out of there.
Needless to say, in order to get some good, deep sleep I turned to my best friend Mr. NyQuil. I don't normally like to take any sort of medicine but I know it's getting pretty bad when I'm popping sinus meds to get through my shift and dropping into bed immediately after work holding a bottle of NyQuil. It's not that I have trouble sleeping. The NyQuil is just that promise that no matter how much my little Budha wants to wake me up to play, it won't work. It also promises that no matter how many times my phone vibrates, it will not bother me. I will not be waking up until my body and my mind are ready to wake up.
Today I was so ready to wake up. This dream. Oh, man it was so haunting!! Quintin and I pulled up to this fantastically old and dilapidated house. The roof needed fixed. The front porch was about to fall off; old ripped and torn screens across the front and the sides didn't even have any screens. The siding on this home was dated, to say the least and it looked like nobody cared about this house. I was one of those people.
In my dream, I was standing in front of this house wondering what we were doing here. Quintin was standing by the drivers side of the car with a big smile on his face. I start asking him if this is one of those jobs he took on; to work on the house for someone. I told him he didn't have enough time in the world to work on this house and he just beams at me and says "It's ours." Oh boy.
Suddenly my dream has fast-forwarded a little while or else I can't remember what went on next but I said to Quintin "You know, we have lived here all these weeks and I have ONLY seen the bedroom and the living room." This makes me wonder just exactly where we have been eating and peeing all this time. Or was I being held here against my will?We will never know. Quintin proceeds to tell me that I should go look around because he thinks I am going to be pleasantly surprised.
As I go into all the rooms of this home, I realize that it is magnificent. White in most places, spotless, and bright! I notice that there are a lot of built-in cupboards in the walls. And as I open them, I realize that they are meant to be open, not closed. One by one I open these doors to the most wonderful pictures of me and my family when we were children. Donnie, Lonnie, Cindy, Kathy, Kenny, Marla and myself are in every one of them. The strange thing about these pictures are that I have no recollection of when or where they were taken.
Even now, almost 12 hours later, I can see those pictures so clearly. I can almost tell you what we were wearing in them, it was that vivid for me. I remember being amazed at how each set of pictures went along with the next set. Almost as if it were telling a story. A picture book is the best I can describe it. And then I noticed that the more cupboards I opened, and the more pictures I exposed, the darker the house got.
It wasn't bright anymore. It had a scary presence. And I got scared. I asked Quintin where he got these pictures at and he said they all were here when he purchased the home. Everything that was in the home, was there when he bought it. I tried shutting the cupboards but they wouldn't budge. It seemed that once I opened them, there was no going back.
And that's when I willed myself to wake up. I kept telling myself that this was nothing but a dream and that I needed to wake up. I needed to see daylight. The feeling that had consumed me when I woke up was awful. I was scared. I was sad. I was lost. I felt like I needed to warn someone. But warn them of what??
I have only had one other time where I "dreamed" about being somewhere else and seeing bright, vivid pictures, never before seen, of someone I love. That experience left me happy in my heart and very content. This dream did not leave me that way. Quite the opposite.
My first husband was so good about dreams. He knew what to expect from life by what he dreamed. That was the Mayan way, he would tell me. I wonder if the Mayans drank as much as he did? Ha, that's a whole other story right there!
So here I am, half a day later, still trying to shake this dream, this feeling, and this memory. I don't even want to remember those pictures but can't seem to get away from them. I'm not saying that this dream, or whatever it was, means impending doom but I am glad my people are all home and in bed. At least I hope they are. It's out there now anyway, huh?
For the rest of the day, I think I will just find something productive to do besides sleep. It's safer that way -_- Until next time, I hope your day is perfect and I hope you know that you are loved. Thank you for reading!
Even though I sit here with it all ready to come out in print, I will not "publish" until all my guys are safely back to their homes. As much as I know "visually" that this dream showed immediate family, the guys I work with are just like brothers to me. Hell, I'm closer to them than my own flesh and blood brothers.
So there I was. In dreamland. Or in some kind of catatonic state, I'm not sure which right now. You see, I have been fighting respiratory and sinus issues all week. This crap started out with that tight chest feeling that makes you want to cough until you piss yourself and it worked it's way to my head; giving me nothing but long-lasting sinus headaches that make me want to cut my forehead open and pull whatever that creature is, out of there.
Needless to say, in order to get some good, deep sleep I turned to my best friend Mr. NyQuil. I don't normally like to take any sort of medicine but I know it's getting pretty bad when I'm popping sinus meds to get through my shift and dropping into bed immediately after work holding a bottle of NyQuil. It's not that I have trouble sleeping. The NyQuil is just that promise that no matter how much my little Budha wants to wake me up to play, it won't work. It also promises that no matter how many times my phone vibrates, it will not bother me. I will not be waking up until my body and my mind are ready to wake up.
Today I was so ready to wake up. This dream. Oh, man it was so haunting!! Quintin and I pulled up to this fantastically old and dilapidated house. The roof needed fixed. The front porch was about to fall off; old ripped and torn screens across the front and the sides didn't even have any screens. The siding on this home was dated, to say the least and it looked like nobody cared about this house. I was one of those people.
In my dream, I was standing in front of this house wondering what we were doing here. Quintin was standing by the drivers side of the car with a big smile on his face. I start asking him if this is one of those jobs he took on; to work on the house for someone. I told him he didn't have enough time in the world to work on this house and he just beams at me and says "It's ours." Oh boy.
Suddenly my dream has fast-forwarded a little while or else I can't remember what went on next but I said to Quintin "You know, we have lived here all these weeks and I have ONLY seen the bedroom and the living room." This makes me wonder just exactly where we have been eating and peeing all this time. Or was I being held here against my will?We will never know. Quintin proceeds to tell me that I should go look around because he thinks I am going to be pleasantly surprised.
As I go into all the rooms of this home, I realize that it is magnificent. White in most places, spotless, and bright! I notice that there are a lot of built-in cupboards in the walls. And as I open them, I realize that they are meant to be open, not closed. One by one I open these doors to the most wonderful pictures of me and my family when we were children. Donnie, Lonnie, Cindy, Kathy, Kenny, Marla and myself are in every one of them. The strange thing about these pictures are that I have no recollection of when or where they were taken.
Even now, almost 12 hours later, I can see those pictures so clearly. I can almost tell you what we were wearing in them, it was that vivid for me. I remember being amazed at how each set of pictures went along with the next set. Almost as if it were telling a story. A picture book is the best I can describe it. And then I noticed that the more cupboards I opened, and the more pictures I exposed, the darker the house got.
It wasn't bright anymore. It had a scary presence. And I got scared. I asked Quintin where he got these pictures at and he said they all were here when he purchased the home. Everything that was in the home, was there when he bought it. I tried shutting the cupboards but they wouldn't budge. It seemed that once I opened them, there was no going back.
And that's when I willed myself to wake up. I kept telling myself that this was nothing but a dream and that I needed to wake up. I needed to see daylight. The feeling that had consumed me when I woke up was awful. I was scared. I was sad. I was lost. I felt like I needed to warn someone. But warn them of what??
I have only had one other time where I "dreamed" about being somewhere else and seeing bright, vivid pictures, never before seen, of someone I love. That experience left me happy in my heart and very content. This dream did not leave me that way. Quite the opposite.
My first husband was so good about dreams. He knew what to expect from life by what he dreamed. That was the Mayan way, he would tell me. I wonder if the Mayans drank as much as he did? Ha, that's a whole other story right there!
So here I am, half a day later, still trying to shake this dream, this feeling, and this memory. I don't even want to remember those pictures but can't seem to get away from them. I'm not saying that this dream, or whatever it was, means impending doom but I am glad my people are all home and in bed. At least I hope they are. It's out there now anyway, huh?
For the rest of the day, I think I will just find something productive to do besides sleep. It's safer that way -_- Until next time, I hope your day is perfect and I hope you know that you are loved. Thank you for reading!
2015/03/09
Sometimes being nice smacks you in the face
Sometimes the best of intentions aren't always the best of intentions. The best laid plans...well, not always so. Don't you just hate it when you go to do the right thing and it all seems to fall apart in front of your eyes? Today I was reading some things on Facebook and I said outloud, to nobody in particular, "How many awful things can happen to one person in one day?"
Touche! Lesson learned. Keep your thoughts to yourself Shellie and above all that...keep your big mouth shut!
A former boss of mine lost his father over the weekend. So today, I call up my "partner in crime" Beth, and we decide that we need to do something for the old boss. We plan to meet up in Greenfield and go to the grocery store together, get some food and special goodies, and head down to his house.
Before I go any further, let me just say that this man isn't like most people. Although he is lovable and funny and considerate of others and the best story teller on earth, he goes out of his way to be hard and mean and unfriendly. All the while being friendly, if that makes any sense at all! This man has said from day 1, "Don't try to be my friend." And from that moment on, I loved him like a family member. I mean, you can see the connection I had with him, right? Especially the mean part!! Okay, back to my story.
The plan was going well so far. We had the groceries and were heading to Orient. The closer we got to town, the more anxious I became. And so did Beth. Neither of us had ever stopped at his home before. He was pretty adamant that he didn't want his co-workers there so former co-workers probably wasn't on his list of house guests either.
"What if there are a bunch of people there and he tells us to leave?" Or worse...
"What if there are a bunch of people there and he tells us to stay?" Oh dear...
"What if nobody is home?"
"We have food. Someone has to be there."
Our stomachs in knots, we pull up to the house and it looks like nobody is around. We knew they had a couple of dogs and didn't know what kind of reception we would get if they were holding down the fort. I get nominated to go to the door. Something strangely wrong about this democracy. Ring the doorbell. Nothing. I didn't even hear the doorbell so I don't know if it even worked. Open the screen door and knock loudly. Seven times. I don't know why I remember that but I do. Nobody. A man pulls up to the house and we tell him nobody is here. He promptly leaves.
"What are we going to do with this food?"
"Leave it on the porch?"
"We can't do that! Some animal will come eat it!!!"
"Okay go check and see if the door is unlocked."
Yes...I just got thrown under the bus...in front of the firing squad...however you want to say it. I will be the first person shot and killed. You would think that thought alone would be enough to make me not do it but NOOOOOO! Right to the door I went and it was unlocked!
I. Was. Shocked.
So, I open the door and yell for the old man and get nothing. Beth is behind me yelling too. We want him to know it is us entering so he doesn't kill us. Oh hell, who am I kidding!!! I was taking a pretty good chance with my life just by entering without permission no matter WHO I was. I see the old dog laying in the other room, to old to come greet us even though we called him by name. I take my bags of groceries and set them on the table and Beth literally steps inside the door enough for the screen to shut behind her. She isn't about to step any further. For obvious reasons, ya know! Okay, groceries on the table and cards laid on top. Let's get the hell out of here!
As we exit the home, we see this little chihuahua looking dog walking away from the house, looking at us like "What are you doing there and who are you?" Our first reaction was, "OH MY GOD. DID WE LET A DOG OUT???" We walk toward the dog only to spook it and it takes off on us. So we jump in the car and follow it, freaking out the whole time, knowing we are going to die for this one. It stays on the block but it knows we are wanting to get it so it keeps out of reach.
We cruise the town for a while, giving it time to go back "home." If home is where we thought it was. We came back around about 10 minutes later to find the dog in the yard at the next door neighbors house so we pull in and I get out. The dog takes off. I knock on the neighbors door to ask him if he knows if this is the dog in question. We take off down the back yard and he says he doesn't think it is but he isn't sure. His wife isn't home but the dog will come to her at any time. He told me he would have her check when she got back.
I called our boss because I knew that he knew what the dog looked like. I told him what had happened, because at this point I thought WE had let the dog out, and his response was "YOU WENT INTO HIS HOUSE??? YOU DON'T EVER JUST GO INTO HIS HOUSE!!" Well bossman, it's a little late for that info, don't you think??? He describes the dog and I'm pretty sure I went pale. I hang up and I call my cousin, who lives down the street. She describes the same stupid dog we are seeing! Ugh, seriously!!??!!
Is this really happening? All we wanted to do was take some damn food to these people!!!
We drive some more and start tearing the scenario apart.
#1: We couldn't have let the dog out because I checked as I walked in and there was no dog in sight, except for the one in the other room. And when Beth came in with me, she shut the door behind her. She would have noticed a dog by her feet. Heck, with her grace, she would have tripped on it!
There was a note on the table about the Methodist Church women bringing food. We are throwing them under this bus. If anybody let the dog out, it was them. Not us. We are going to hell, I tell ya.
#2: The neighbor had told us what the dog's name was and when we called it, it looked at us like we were nuts. Don't go there. I had already considered that we were!
#3: They take that dog everywhere with them.
I finally jump out of my thoughts enough to see that we are headed south.
"If we keep going, we are going to end up in Creston."
"So what. We are panicking now and we need to figure something out. We have nothing else to do but think this thing out so we can drive."
I am anxious and my stomach is in knots. Beth is anxious and she wants to throw up.
"We are almost to Creston." And it is amazing how fast we got there because as panicked as were were, she only drove 49 mph! Yep, you read that right. We were getting passed left and right. It was something straight out of a twilight movie!
"Good. We are driving by every funeral home in town until we find him. And then we are driving by to see if that damn dog is in the truck."
Guess what? His truck wasn't at any of them. We checked every restaurant that I had ever heard him talk about, with no luck. Isn't it funny that when you are looking for a certain color and type of vehicle, that's all you see??? Now that I think about it, we did not go through the Walmart parking lot! Seriously, why didn't we do that???
Time to stress eat. Get me to a Taco Johns and fast! I need some comfort food. A tasty "last meal" if you will. As we get our order and pull away, a light comes on in my head.
"DUH!!! His dad's house! Go to his dad's house! I know that is where they would be!!" I turn to uncle Google to find his address and when I spoke his name into my phone, I got everything from where to find turtles to where to take diving lessons. Don't ask. I don't even know. Took me a minute or two because it's hard to type into your gps when you're stuffing your face with comfort food all the while wondering who is going to show up at YOUR funeral when you get killed for all of this.
Found the house and no! No old man there either. A couple of other vehicles which I assume are his dad's and maybe his sisters but not his. At this point, I only care about his vehicle. Now why didn't we just stop and ask his sister to call him and ask?? Why, at 11:30 at night did I just think of that?? I'll tell you why. Because I was stressed to the hilt at this point!!
"Let's just head back and see if they are home yet. It's 8pm and this man doesn't have a life. He has to be home now." Northbound we go.
#4: "I just remembered something key! That dog we were chasing around is a male. I saw him piss on a mailbox post. It was most definitely a male. Not sure why that didn't register with me before."
HUGE sigh of relief! I know why it didn't register before. It was because we were scared for our lives. Okay, we did not lose old man's dog. And then Beth says the one thing I did not need to hear. "What if that dog was his dad's dog? We all know his dad had a dog and don't you think he would bring it home with him?" I'm not sure I've ever wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life as I wanted to hurt her then. How dare she put that thought in my head? The old man loves dogs more than people on ANY given day. Oh. My. God. What have we done?
I would be lying if I said that we didn't do a lot of praying while riding around in that car tonight. With the thought of impending doom closing in on us at every turn, I wasn't even sure praying was going to help us.
We get back to Orient and don't see one sign of the dog. And the old man isn't home yet either. Oh my god!! And of course, by this time, I either need to puke or poop. Not sure which but I am so sick to my stomach that I know something needs to happen.
"Look, we both know this man well enough that he would not leave his dad's dog in his house, knowing people would be coming by with food and stuff, taking a chance that the dog would escape. We just know better. The dog has to be at his dad's and I'm sure his sister is staying there." Yep, that has to be it.
"AND, we both knows dogs well enough that as skiddish as it was outside, it wouldn't have come "at us" to get out the door as we went in. It was clearly terrified of us." So we went home. We do not have a phone number for the man. I am not sure what I am going to do. I may have to make a trip in the morning to find out for myself. There could be a trip to jail and a restraining order in my near future. My boss is going to love this. If you love me, you will have bond money ready.
Wish me luck...however I decide to proceed. And thanks for reading. It could very well be my last post! HA!!!
Touche! Lesson learned. Keep your thoughts to yourself Shellie and above all that...keep your big mouth shut!
A former boss of mine lost his father over the weekend. So today, I call up my "partner in crime" Beth, and we decide that we need to do something for the old boss. We plan to meet up in Greenfield and go to the grocery store together, get some food and special goodies, and head down to his house.
Before I go any further, let me just say that this man isn't like most people. Although he is lovable and funny and considerate of others and the best story teller on earth, he goes out of his way to be hard and mean and unfriendly. All the while being friendly, if that makes any sense at all! This man has said from day 1, "Don't try to be my friend." And from that moment on, I loved him like a family member. I mean, you can see the connection I had with him, right? Especially the mean part!! Okay, back to my story.
The plan was going well so far. We had the groceries and were heading to Orient. The closer we got to town, the more anxious I became. And so did Beth. Neither of us had ever stopped at his home before. He was pretty adamant that he didn't want his co-workers there so former co-workers probably wasn't on his list of house guests either.
"What if there are a bunch of people there and he tells us to leave?" Or worse...
"What if there are a bunch of people there and he tells us to stay?" Oh dear...
"What if nobody is home?"
"We have food. Someone has to be there."
Our stomachs in knots, we pull up to the house and it looks like nobody is around. We knew they had a couple of dogs and didn't know what kind of reception we would get if they were holding down the fort. I get nominated to go to the door. Something strangely wrong about this democracy. Ring the doorbell. Nothing. I didn't even hear the doorbell so I don't know if it even worked. Open the screen door and knock loudly. Seven times. I don't know why I remember that but I do. Nobody. A man pulls up to the house and we tell him nobody is here. He promptly leaves.
"What are we going to do with this food?"
"Leave it on the porch?"
"We can't do that! Some animal will come eat it!!!"
"Okay go check and see if the door is unlocked."
Yes...I just got thrown under the bus...in front of the firing squad...however you want to say it. I will be the first person shot and killed. You would think that thought alone would be enough to make me not do it but NOOOOOO! Right to the door I went and it was unlocked!
I. Was. Shocked.
So, I open the door and yell for the old man and get nothing. Beth is behind me yelling too. We want him to know it is us entering so he doesn't kill us. Oh hell, who am I kidding!!! I was taking a pretty good chance with my life just by entering without permission no matter WHO I was. I see the old dog laying in the other room, to old to come greet us even though we called him by name. I take my bags of groceries and set them on the table and Beth literally steps inside the door enough for the screen to shut behind her. She isn't about to step any further. For obvious reasons, ya know! Okay, groceries on the table and cards laid on top. Let's get the hell out of here!
As we exit the home, we see this little chihuahua looking dog walking away from the house, looking at us like "What are you doing there and who are you?" Our first reaction was, "OH MY GOD. DID WE LET A DOG OUT???" We walk toward the dog only to spook it and it takes off on us. So we jump in the car and follow it, freaking out the whole time, knowing we are going to die for this one. It stays on the block but it knows we are wanting to get it so it keeps out of reach.
We cruise the town for a while, giving it time to go back "home." If home is where we thought it was. We came back around about 10 minutes later to find the dog in the yard at the next door neighbors house so we pull in and I get out. The dog takes off. I knock on the neighbors door to ask him if he knows if this is the dog in question. We take off down the back yard and he says he doesn't think it is but he isn't sure. His wife isn't home but the dog will come to her at any time. He told me he would have her check when she got back.
I called our boss because I knew that he knew what the dog looked like. I told him what had happened, because at this point I thought WE had let the dog out, and his response was "YOU WENT INTO HIS HOUSE??? YOU DON'T EVER JUST GO INTO HIS HOUSE!!" Well bossman, it's a little late for that info, don't you think??? He describes the dog and I'm pretty sure I went pale. I hang up and I call my cousin, who lives down the street. She describes the same stupid dog we are seeing! Ugh, seriously!!??!!
Is this really happening? All we wanted to do was take some damn food to these people!!!
We drive some more and start tearing the scenario apart.
#1: We couldn't have let the dog out because I checked as I walked in and there was no dog in sight, except for the one in the other room. And when Beth came in with me, she shut the door behind her. She would have noticed a dog by her feet. Heck, with her grace, she would have tripped on it!
There was a note on the table about the Methodist Church women bringing food. We are throwing them under this bus. If anybody let the dog out, it was them. Not us. We are going to hell, I tell ya.
#2: The neighbor had told us what the dog's name was and when we called it, it looked at us like we were nuts. Don't go there. I had already considered that we were!
#3: They take that dog everywhere with them.
I finally jump out of my thoughts enough to see that we are headed south.
"If we keep going, we are going to end up in Creston."
"So what. We are panicking now and we need to figure something out. We have nothing else to do but think this thing out so we can drive."
I am anxious and my stomach is in knots. Beth is anxious and she wants to throw up.
"We are almost to Creston." And it is amazing how fast we got there because as panicked as were were, she only drove 49 mph! Yep, you read that right. We were getting passed left and right. It was something straight out of a twilight movie!
"Good. We are driving by every funeral home in town until we find him. And then we are driving by to see if that damn dog is in the truck."
Guess what? His truck wasn't at any of them. We checked every restaurant that I had ever heard him talk about, with no luck. Isn't it funny that when you are looking for a certain color and type of vehicle, that's all you see??? Now that I think about it, we did not go through the Walmart parking lot! Seriously, why didn't we do that???
Time to stress eat. Get me to a Taco Johns and fast! I need some comfort food. A tasty "last meal" if you will. As we get our order and pull away, a light comes on in my head.
"DUH!!! His dad's house! Go to his dad's house! I know that is where they would be!!" I turn to uncle Google to find his address and when I spoke his name into my phone, I got everything from where to find turtles to where to take diving lessons. Don't ask. I don't even know. Took me a minute or two because it's hard to type into your gps when you're stuffing your face with comfort food all the while wondering who is going to show up at YOUR funeral when you get killed for all of this.
Found the house and no! No old man there either. A couple of other vehicles which I assume are his dad's and maybe his sisters but not his. At this point, I only care about his vehicle. Now why didn't we just stop and ask his sister to call him and ask?? Why, at 11:30 at night did I just think of that?? I'll tell you why. Because I was stressed to the hilt at this point!!
"Let's just head back and see if they are home yet. It's 8pm and this man doesn't have a life. He has to be home now." Northbound we go.
#4: "I just remembered something key! That dog we were chasing around is a male. I saw him piss on a mailbox post. It was most definitely a male. Not sure why that didn't register with me before."
HUGE sigh of relief! I know why it didn't register before. It was because we were scared for our lives. Okay, we did not lose old man's dog. And then Beth says the one thing I did not need to hear. "What if that dog was his dad's dog? We all know his dad had a dog and don't you think he would bring it home with him?" I'm not sure I've ever wanted to hurt someone so badly in my life as I wanted to hurt her then. How dare she put that thought in my head? The old man loves dogs more than people on ANY given day. Oh. My. God. What have we done?
I would be lying if I said that we didn't do a lot of praying while riding around in that car tonight. With the thought of impending doom closing in on us at every turn, I wasn't even sure praying was going to help us.
We get back to Orient and don't see one sign of the dog. And the old man isn't home yet either. Oh my god!! And of course, by this time, I either need to puke or poop. Not sure which but I am so sick to my stomach that I know something needs to happen.
"Look, we both know this man well enough that he would not leave his dad's dog in his house, knowing people would be coming by with food and stuff, taking a chance that the dog would escape. We just know better. The dog has to be at his dad's and I'm sure his sister is staying there." Yep, that has to be it.
"AND, we both knows dogs well enough that as skiddish as it was outside, it wouldn't have come "at us" to get out the door as we went in. It was clearly terrified of us." So we went home. We do not have a phone number for the man. I am not sure what I am going to do. I may have to make a trip in the morning to find out for myself. There could be a trip to jail and a restraining order in my near future. My boss is going to love this. If you love me, you will have bond money ready.
Wish me luck...however I decide to proceed. And thanks for reading. It could very well be my last post! HA!!!
2015/02/20
Trying to turn it around
It has been about six weeks since I joined the local fitness center and man, have I learned and seen a lot of stuff!!! For example:
-I have noticed that people (mostly men) join the gym to look in the mirror. It makes me giggle when someone takes their dumbbells over in front of the mirror so they can watch themselves lift them up and down. One and two and three and four...stop...*flexes in the mirror*.....One and two and three and four...rinse and repeat.
-There are people (mostly men, which shocks me) that have apparently joined the gym to take selfies in front of the mirror. Don't they have bathrooms where they live??? I understand if you listen to music on your phone, to keep it in your pocket with your earbuds attached but why the hell do you want to lug that thing around if you're not? Is it so hard to leave your phone in your locker, or your car, or at home?? Oh well...good entertainment for me!
-People (mostly men) are the friendliest at the gym. Us women...we smile at each other. You know "the smile." The one that says "I don't really want to talk to you so this is what you're getting. Be happy you're getting that much." I have said it before and I will say it again, the women in Greenfield, Iowa are the hardest to be friends with. If you aren't from here, you aren't one of them. I'm glad I don't work out at the grocery store. I'd really have some aggression to take out there!
-Making eye contact. Although at first I thought it best to avoid eye contact with people that I don't know, I have come to realize that maybe that isn't the proper way to respond at the gym. You see, there is this person that used to be at the gym almost every day that I was there. No matter if I went early or late, that person was always there. Like I said, I didn't make eye contact BUT I could tell from my peripheral vision that this person was just waiting for me to look their way. Nope, not going to happen. I was adamant about it. Then one day, I forgot. Yep! I came around the bend and looked over at the weights area and this person was looking right at me. And they WAVED! Not a little hand gesture like "hey." It was a big wave across the chest like "hey look at me!" C-R-A-P!!! So for the next several days, I got "the chest wave." At this time, I didn't know a soul at the gym so I couldn't ask anyone who this person was. I tried to see what they were driving so I could have one of my guys at work find out who it was but the only time I saw what they were driving, the license plate was snow covered. Okay, okay, let me get this stupid story over with. The last day I saw this person, I was the only one walking and this person and one other were lifting weights. My music was turned down and I heard this person ask the other who I was. I have no idea if the other person knew my name but I did hear him say "She works at the Sheriff's Office." I thought SURELY that would scare them off. But alas, this person goes over and perches themselves on the half-wall and literally watches me walk around the gym. *sigh* Great, I thought to myself, how am I going to get this person to stop. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Like I said, that was the last time I ever saw that person so learning where I work...well, it worked! Phew!!!
-There are older people that come to the gym to walk and they apparently can't hear themselves passing gas. Lucky for them; not so lucky for me. Now you see why I pass everyone!
-Just because one of your "people" come into the gym, doesn't mean they won't chew your ass in front of everyone there. Okay he wasn't chewing my ass, and it ended up he was wrong with his facts, but he really gave me a hard time. Haha how embarrassing!
-It's a fun workout when you are beside a co-worker and you discuss fart stories while those around you are pretending not to listen, but they giggle at the funny parts. As if there aren't funny parts to fart stories. Just saying. *Yeah, I see those earbuds in your ears but I also see that sneaky little smile when I say fart.*
-Even if I WANT to walk a slow mile, I don't think I have it in me. I try everyday to make my last mile a slow mile. It never happens. Blisters or no blisters. Alas, after six weeks, I did a "slow" mile. I still passed a couple of people BUT I didn't pass them as many times! ;-) Sometimes it's the little things, ya know.
-Nylon socks under cotton socks. And vaseline smothered all over and between your toes. That's the way to keep blisters from forming on your "ballerina toes." Ha, don't even ask about those ballerina toes! Oh yeah...and you get to reapply the vaseline about halfway through a 5 mile walk. Okay, at least I do. Did. I mean, I did. But in all honesty, don't you just love that feeling when you're walking and a blister squishes under foot??? Yeah, me too! Thank Heavens my feet are finally getting conditioned to this crap.
-Although most of the "older" walkers at the gym tell me that I am "on fire" out there, they do a pretty good job holding their own! I started out walking the shorter laps while most of them walk the longer laps. In the end, I had to do 3 1/2 more laps to match their mile but that's okay with me. Made me feel like I was accomplishing something; even if it was older people I was passing. Now I am doing the longer laps right along with them but passing them is different now because these people have become a part of my life.
-When you forget your music and/or earbuds, it's OKAY to talk to those you pass or those that pass you. Wait...that doesn't happen very often! But it DOES happen!
-It's okay to ask other walkers about their shoes. After all, shoes are important, right???
-The more clothes you pile on, the harder it is to work my noodle muscles. Noodles = arms (for those not in the know) So if you are my fitness center and you think I'm going to start stripping down, don't worry your pretty little head; I will only take off so much. The last thing I want to see is vomit dripping from every mouth in the place. My noodles have to get into some kind of shape other than well.....noodles!
-The things I think about when I walk: A) If there is a fire at work, what exactly I would do (I actually go over this one more often than you would think) and what should I do. B) If a prisoner would get out of his/her cell while I am the only person working, what would I do and what should I do. The correct answer is probably to start writing my resume but that would be my last resort. C) When I get home, I am going to scrub the floors. And then I'm going to clean the toilets. And then I'm going to rearrange the closet. It never happens but I always think it. D) Mmmmm coffee sounds amazing right now. E) I need a new job.....oh shut up! You love this stuff and you know it. YOu would think the last thing I would even want to think about would be work but NOOOOO! I am a glutton for punishment. Keep walking!
-I try to take a cup of coffee or a cold water to the gym with me BUT I never let myself have a drink until I have walked/ran at least 2 miles. It gives me something to work for and trust me when I say, it works every time. My coffee break is amazing at the gym.
-When I say "I run," I am using that term loosely. I am more of a wanna-be runner. I jog. And that is even piss-poor compared to any jogger/runner I know. I can usually "run" anywhere from a quarter of a mile to a half mile at a time. By that time, I am mentally poking myself with a hot prod asking what the hell I was thinking ever wanting to be a "runner." Fat girls should not run but I have to say that after I have walked.....and walked.....and walked.....the "run" is what makes my legs feel so good. I don't know if there are different muscles being used while running or what but it's almost a comfort to my legs to pick up the pace.
-A lot of people at that place know me and I don't know them. If that doesn't make for uncomfortable-ness (wait, is that even a word???), I don't know what does! For example: "Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle George. He was a fine man!" And I just smile and say "Thank you. Yes he was!" *Keep walking, Shellie. Just keep walking.* Now...what I should say is "Thank you and what is your name?" But I don't. I just keep walking and then when I leave or they leave, I go ask someone who they are. If it looks like a chicken, acts like a chicken...well, bok bok.
I am loving my adventure at the fitness center. There is something different everyday to think about and witness. There are people that make me smile. I mean genuinely smile. There are people that make me laugh. Those deep belly laughs. This right here...well, this is where I'm supposed to be. And I couldn't be happier about it! Not as much weight has been lost, like I want but the inches that I have lost is nothing short of amazing! And this fitbit is the best thing I could have ever done to get my year started. I love it. It holds me accountable and tells me when I need to get up and get going!
I hope you enjoyed my first fitness blog. Don't get used to them though. The last thing I want to be is that person that over does it on the fitness talk. I know I always wanted to slap them and well...I don't want to be slapped. Until next time.....thanks for reading!!!
-I have noticed that people (mostly men) join the gym to look in the mirror. It makes me giggle when someone takes their dumbbells over in front of the mirror so they can watch themselves lift them up and down. One and two and three and four...stop...*flexes in the mirror*.....One and two and three and four...rinse and repeat.
-There are people (mostly men, which shocks me) that have apparently joined the gym to take selfies in front of the mirror. Don't they have bathrooms where they live??? I understand if you listen to music on your phone, to keep it in your pocket with your earbuds attached but why the hell do you want to lug that thing around if you're not? Is it so hard to leave your phone in your locker, or your car, or at home?? Oh well...good entertainment for me!
-People (mostly men) are the friendliest at the gym. Us women...we smile at each other. You know "the smile." The one that says "I don't really want to talk to you so this is what you're getting. Be happy you're getting that much." I have said it before and I will say it again, the women in Greenfield, Iowa are the hardest to be friends with. If you aren't from here, you aren't one of them. I'm glad I don't work out at the grocery store. I'd really have some aggression to take out there!
-Making eye contact. Although at first I thought it best to avoid eye contact with people that I don't know, I have come to realize that maybe that isn't the proper way to respond at the gym. You see, there is this person that used to be at the gym almost every day that I was there. No matter if I went early or late, that person was always there. Like I said, I didn't make eye contact BUT I could tell from my peripheral vision that this person was just waiting for me to look their way. Nope, not going to happen. I was adamant about it. Then one day, I forgot. Yep! I came around the bend and looked over at the weights area and this person was looking right at me. And they WAVED! Not a little hand gesture like "hey." It was a big wave across the chest like "hey look at me!" C-R-A-P!!! So for the next several days, I got "the chest wave." At this time, I didn't know a soul at the gym so I couldn't ask anyone who this person was. I tried to see what they were driving so I could have one of my guys at work find out who it was but the only time I saw what they were driving, the license plate was snow covered. Okay, okay, let me get this stupid story over with. The last day I saw this person, I was the only one walking and this person and one other were lifting weights. My music was turned down and I heard this person ask the other who I was. I have no idea if the other person knew my name but I did hear him say "She works at the Sheriff's Office." I thought SURELY that would scare them off. But alas, this person goes over and perches themselves on the half-wall and literally watches me walk around the gym. *sigh* Great, I thought to myself, how am I going to get this person to stop. It is a very uncomfortable feeling. Like I said, that was the last time I ever saw that person so learning where I work...well, it worked! Phew!!!
-There are older people that come to the gym to walk and they apparently can't hear themselves passing gas. Lucky for them; not so lucky for me. Now you see why I pass everyone!
-Just because one of your "people" come into the gym, doesn't mean they won't chew your ass in front of everyone there. Okay he wasn't chewing my ass, and it ended up he was wrong with his facts, but he really gave me a hard time. Haha how embarrassing!
-It's a fun workout when you are beside a co-worker and you discuss fart stories while those around you are pretending not to listen, but they giggle at the funny parts. As if there aren't funny parts to fart stories. Just saying. *Yeah, I see those earbuds in your ears but I also see that sneaky little smile when I say fart.*
-Even if I WANT to walk a slow mile, I don't think I have it in me. I try everyday to make my last mile a slow mile. It never happens. Blisters or no blisters. Alas, after six weeks, I did a "slow" mile. I still passed a couple of people BUT I didn't pass them as many times! ;-) Sometimes it's the little things, ya know.
-Nylon socks under cotton socks. And vaseline smothered all over and between your toes. That's the way to keep blisters from forming on your "ballerina toes." Ha, don't even ask about those ballerina toes! Oh yeah...and you get to reapply the vaseline about halfway through a 5 mile walk. Okay, at least I do. Did. I mean, I did. But in all honesty, don't you just love that feeling when you're walking and a blister squishes under foot??? Yeah, me too! Thank Heavens my feet are finally getting conditioned to this crap.
-Although most of the "older" walkers at the gym tell me that I am "on fire" out there, they do a pretty good job holding their own! I started out walking the shorter laps while most of them walk the longer laps. In the end, I had to do 3 1/2 more laps to match their mile but that's okay with me. Made me feel like I was accomplishing something; even if it was older people I was passing. Now I am doing the longer laps right along with them but passing them is different now because these people have become a part of my life.
-When you forget your music and/or earbuds, it's OKAY to talk to those you pass or those that pass you. Wait...that doesn't happen very often! But it DOES happen!
-It's okay to ask other walkers about their shoes. After all, shoes are important, right???
-The more clothes you pile on, the harder it is to work my noodle muscles. Noodles = arms (for those not in the know) So if you are my fitness center and you think I'm going to start stripping down, don't worry your pretty little head; I will only take off so much. The last thing I want to see is vomit dripping from every mouth in the place. My noodles have to get into some kind of shape other than well.....noodles!
-The things I think about when I walk: A) If there is a fire at work, what exactly I would do (I actually go over this one more often than you would think) and what should I do. B) If a prisoner would get out of his/her cell while I am the only person working, what would I do and what should I do. The correct answer is probably to start writing my resume but that would be my last resort. C) When I get home, I am going to scrub the floors. And then I'm going to clean the toilets. And then I'm going to rearrange the closet. It never happens but I always think it. D) Mmmmm coffee sounds amazing right now. E) I need a new job.....oh shut up! You love this stuff and you know it. YOu would think the last thing I would even want to think about would be work but NOOOOO! I am a glutton for punishment. Keep walking!
-I try to take a cup of coffee or a cold water to the gym with me BUT I never let myself have a drink until I have walked/ran at least 2 miles. It gives me something to work for and trust me when I say, it works every time. My coffee break is amazing at the gym.
-When I say "I run," I am using that term loosely. I am more of a wanna-be runner. I jog. And that is even piss-poor compared to any jogger/runner I know. I can usually "run" anywhere from a quarter of a mile to a half mile at a time. By that time, I am mentally poking myself with a hot prod asking what the hell I was thinking ever wanting to be a "runner." Fat girls should not run but I have to say that after I have walked.....and walked.....and walked.....the "run" is what makes my legs feel so good. I don't know if there are different muscles being used while running or what but it's almost a comfort to my legs to pick up the pace.
-A lot of people at that place know me and I don't know them. If that doesn't make for uncomfortable-ness (wait, is that even a word???), I don't know what does! For example: "Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your uncle George. He was a fine man!" And I just smile and say "Thank you. Yes he was!" *Keep walking, Shellie. Just keep walking.* Now...what I should say is "Thank you and what is your name?" But I don't. I just keep walking and then when I leave or they leave, I go ask someone who they are. If it looks like a chicken, acts like a chicken...well, bok bok.
I am loving my adventure at the fitness center. There is something different everyday to think about and witness. There are people that make me smile. I mean genuinely smile. There are people that make me laugh. Those deep belly laughs. This right here...well, this is where I'm supposed to be. And I couldn't be happier about it! Not as much weight has been lost, like I want but the inches that I have lost is nothing short of amazing! And this fitbit is the best thing I could have ever done to get my year started. I love it. It holds me accountable and tells me when I need to get up and get going!
I hope you enjoyed my first fitness blog. Don't get used to them though. The last thing I want to be is that person that over does it on the fitness talk. I know I always wanted to slap them and well...I don't want to be slapped. Until next time.....thanks for reading!!!
2014/12/05
45 is the new 30
I have to be honest with you here. I don't know where to begin and I don't know how to explain it, but I will give it my best and well.....if my best isn't good enough.....I don't know what I am going to do. Blogging about it is about the last thing I know to do because I have talked to people about this.....well I have tried.....and I honestly believe that nobody is understanding the level of trauma that I am experiencing.
So here goes nothing.
When I turned 30, I felt like my world had dropped out from under me. Not for any particular reason either. I just felt like there I was at 30 years of age and what did I have to show for it? Although I had never actually wanted kids, here all of my friends had either started or were starting their families. I had myself and a husband. And speaking of...a husband that was a severe alcoholic. A man that put a bottle before everyone. I was not allowed to grocery shop nor spend a day with my own mother, without his "permission." Yep, here I was...30 years old and had gotten myself in a mess that even I didn't want to live with.
I cried a lot. Everyone that crossed my path got on my nerves. I was angry at the world. Nothing could make me happy. Not happy in my heart. I felt myself pull away from the very people that loved me the most and hid from the world for a while.
I hated the number 30.
But it passed. I don't remember how long it took but it passed. And that was really the important thing anyway. By the time 40 came around, I had embraced life and all it had to offer. I was thrilled about joining Club 40 and seemed to jump right in with both feet. Life was great.
Somewhere around the middle of November this year, I started getting very sad thinking about my upcoming birthday. I was going to turn 45 years old in a couple of weeks. Shit, 45 years old! It almost became an obsession with me; the number. I felt like it was haunting me at times. When it should have mattered the least, it hurt the most.
"I am going to be 45 years old."
Last Friday, I had my birthday and I am still crying about it. Literally. To say out loud that I am 45 years old brings tears to my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it. For the love of God, how is a girl supposed to deal with stupid stuff like this??? Why do we let ourselves get worked up over a mere number???
Quality, not quantity! Isn't that how it is supposed to go?
And let me tell you...those people that I thought were on my nerves when I turned 30.....well, they have multiplied. They are now six to the power of three multiplied by the bitch factor. Squared. Yeah, I have a brand new "refreshing" feeling of anger toward certain people now and I can't always control it. Not only am I angry at the world this time, but I am angry at outer space, infinity, and beyond. The time-space continuum is, at the very least, a "mother trucker, C U Next Tuesday."
My poor husband (and if you know me, you know this is a phrase I RARELY use) has been put through the wringer. He doesn't even know some days, if he is going to be allowed to speak, let alone breathe, when he comes home from work. I just apologize to him every eight hours. Like clock work. Whether I need to or not. Just so he knows that it isn't always intentional. And that it isn't going to last forever. At least I hope it doesn't.
I have tried to put into words, for a couple of people, the physical pain I feel over this 45 business, but then I get stuck. The tears start and I have to shut down. How do you explain feelings to someone when you can't make yourself understand? Yesterday, I was telling my sister and my niece about it and they just laughed at me. And what do you think I did? Yep, started to tear up! Sooooo, I immediately just changed the subject and dove right into playing with the kids.
I had to shut down. I hate shutting down. It's almost like losing a game when you've played by all the rules. Or being told you're wrong when you know you're right. It's a punch in the stomach.
And I'm not picking on either of these two because they obviously don't "get" what I'm feeling or where I'm coming from but it hurt so much that two people I love so much laughed at something that physically hurts me. Except for saying "I can't talk about this because it upsets me to tears," how am I supposed to explain that what they just laughed out loud about, is tearing me apart?
"I am 45 years old and life is fantastic."
I have a husband who still believes I look the very same way I did the first time he met me. And I've had his eyes checked by a doctor! He believes that I am that same woman. He loves and adores me, even when he is a pain in my ass. He does everything in his power to make me happy and he is a hard worker.
I have a job that I look forward to going to on most any day. Well except for "those" days. You know the ones. We all have "those" days. I work with some of the most exceptional officers in our state. No, I wouldn't trade my work family for anything in the world. And that has been put to the test a couple of times. Most of my co-workers are easy enough to get alone with and we all seem to have that same sick sense of humor so that helps on those days when you just don't know if you can keep it all together.
I have the best sisters and brothers in the world. Even for all their flaws (don't tell them I said that, they don't know they have them), they represent honesty, morals, values, principals, and integrity. Even with all the problems that we have faced with each other or against each other, I wouldn't change a thing. And our parents did a damn good job with us. Lord knows they didn't have it easy either!
With all that being said, why do I have to cry myself to sleep when I lay in bed and can't think about anything but how old I am? Why do I have to shut down when someone asks me my age or why it bothers me so much? Why can't I get past this.....NUMBER???
I can't do 30 again and I sure as hell can never go through 45 again. Ever. There just wouldn't be a jury on this planet that would let me go. While Kathy tells me that she is just glad to make it to the next birthday, I am literally wilting inside. Like a sad, sad piece of lettuce that got left on the counter and forgotten about. That piece that nobody wanted to include in their salad.
I can't even begin to think about the next birthday. Crap, at this point I could care less that 46 comes after 45! I need to get through TODAY!!! Am I ever going to get through this unscathed???
Until next time...thanks for reading!
So here goes nothing.
When I turned 30, I felt like my world had dropped out from under me. Not for any particular reason either. I just felt like there I was at 30 years of age and what did I have to show for it? Although I had never actually wanted kids, here all of my friends had either started or were starting their families. I had myself and a husband. And speaking of...a husband that was a severe alcoholic. A man that put a bottle before everyone. I was not allowed to grocery shop nor spend a day with my own mother, without his "permission." Yep, here I was...30 years old and had gotten myself in a mess that even I didn't want to live with.
I cried a lot. Everyone that crossed my path got on my nerves. I was angry at the world. Nothing could make me happy. Not happy in my heart. I felt myself pull away from the very people that loved me the most and hid from the world for a while.
I hated the number 30.
But it passed. I don't remember how long it took but it passed. And that was really the important thing anyway. By the time 40 came around, I had embraced life and all it had to offer. I was thrilled about joining Club 40 and seemed to jump right in with both feet. Life was great.
Somewhere around the middle of November this year, I started getting very sad thinking about my upcoming birthday. I was going to turn 45 years old in a couple of weeks. Shit, 45 years old! It almost became an obsession with me; the number. I felt like it was haunting me at times. When it should have mattered the least, it hurt the most.
"I am going to be 45 years old."
Last Friday, I had my birthday and I am still crying about it. Literally. To say out loud that I am 45 years old brings tears to my eyes and there's nothing I can do about it. For the love of God, how is a girl supposed to deal with stupid stuff like this??? Why do we let ourselves get worked up over a mere number???
Quality, not quantity! Isn't that how it is supposed to go?
And let me tell you...those people that I thought were on my nerves when I turned 30.....well, they have multiplied. They are now six to the power of three multiplied by the bitch factor. Squared. Yeah, I have a brand new "refreshing" feeling of anger toward certain people now and I can't always control it. Not only am I angry at the world this time, but I am angry at outer space, infinity, and beyond. The time-space continuum is, at the very least, a "mother trucker, C U Next Tuesday."
My poor husband (and if you know me, you know this is a phrase I RARELY use) has been put through the wringer. He doesn't even know some days, if he is going to be allowed to speak, let alone breathe, when he comes home from work. I just apologize to him every eight hours. Like clock work. Whether I need to or not. Just so he knows that it isn't always intentional. And that it isn't going to last forever. At least I hope it doesn't.
I have tried to put into words, for a couple of people, the physical pain I feel over this 45 business, but then I get stuck. The tears start and I have to shut down. How do you explain feelings to someone when you can't make yourself understand? Yesterday, I was telling my sister and my niece about it and they just laughed at me. And what do you think I did? Yep, started to tear up! Sooooo, I immediately just changed the subject and dove right into playing with the kids.
I had to shut down. I hate shutting down. It's almost like losing a game when you've played by all the rules. Or being told you're wrong when you know you're right. It's a punch in the stomach.
And I'm not picking on either of these two because they obviously don't "get" what I'm feeling or where I'm coming from but it hurt so much that two people I love so much laughed at something that physically hurts me. Except for saying "I can't talk about this because it upsets me to tears," how am I supposed to explain that what they just laughed out loud about, is tearing me apart?
"I am 45 years old and life is fantastic."
I have a husband who still believes I look the very same way I did the first time he met me. And I've had his eyes checked by a doctor! He believes that I am that same woman. He loves and adores me, even when he is a pain in my ass. He does everything in his power to make me happy and he is a hard worker.
I have a job that I look forward to going to on most any day. Well except for "those" days. You know the ones. We all have "those" days. I work with some of the most exceptional officers in our state. No, I wouldn't trade my work family for anything in the world. And that has been put to the test a couple of times. Most of my co-workers are easy enough to get alone with and we all seem to have that same sick sense of humor so that helps on those days when you just don't know if you can keep it all together.
I have the best sisters and brothers in the world. Even for all their flaws (don't tell them I said that, they don't know they have them), they represent honesty, morals, values, principals, and integrity. Even with all the problems that we have faced with each other or against each other, I wouldn't change a thing. And our parents did a damn good job with us. Lord knows they didn't have it easy either!
With all that being said, why do I have to cry myself to sleep when I lay in bed and can't think about anything but how old I am? Why do I have to shut down when someone asks me my age or why it bothers me so much? Why can't I get past this.....NUMBER???
I can't do 30 again and I sure as hell can never go through 45 again. Ever. There just wouldn't be a jury on this planet that would let me go. While Kathy tells me that she is just glad to make it to the next birthday, I am literally wilting inside. Like a sad, sad piece of lettuce that got left on the counter and forgotten about. That piece that nobody wanted to include in their salad.
I can't even begin to think about the next birthday. Crap, at this point I could care less that 46 comes after 45! I need to get through TODAY!!! Am I ever going to get through this unscathed???
Until next time...thanks for reading!
2014/11/25
The verdict is in
My heart is in shreds tonight. I have experienced so many emotions. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. I had to stop listening because I got so worked up over it but now I'm listening again. Just to the tv. Not to the scanner this time. I feel numb.
One night at work, I heard a deputy in a neighboring county get his ass handed to him on the radio. I didn't know at the time, that was what I was listening to though. I thought he was running and yelling into the radio because he was so out of breath. What I didn't know was that his own dispatcher could not hear him. And I was sick about it for a while. Then I found out more facts about that situation and didn't feel quite so bad about it. Don't get me wrong. I don't wish any officer to get beat on but in the same breath, I expect every officer to follow protocol. Anyway.....that "sick" was nothing like the "sick" I felt tonight. Funny how many different sicks you can experience.
The verdict was given in the Michael Brown/Officer Darin Wilson shooting in Ferguson, MO. Officer Wilson was not indicted on any charges in this case and as the people in Ferguson were standing out in the streets listening to the speech that the prosecutor was giving from inside the courthouse, I thought for a split second "This just might be okay after all." I guess I thought the very instant they heard there were no charges against this man, complete mayhem would erupt. But it didn't. At least not right away.
And then.....all hell started to break loose. I'm sure you've seen the police car that was basically destroyed right after the verdict was given. They started rocking it, then throwing things at it, and then breaking the windows and trying to tear stuff out of it. Ridiculous! I will never, for the life of me, understand the logic behind looting and/or rioting. I do not understand, nor will I ever understand, how any one of these people could think, for one minute, that what they were about to do, would be a positive thing. How do they justify their actions?
Here is just a short list of what I listened to tonight on the scanner. I had to stop watching it on tv to keep up with it on the scanner. These were not only from officer's but from dispatchers. It is about an hour's worth of sheer terror for so many. Just an hour!
-The Toys R Us is being looted
-Now they are moving onto the Walmart
-Looters going to the Sonic restaurant now
-We are evacuating a residence here, it is fully engulfed
-Now there is a car fire at Toys R Us
-We have a business on fire
-Need someone to respond to the police department for looters/vandals
-We now have looters and are declaring a code 3000
-15-20 vehicles leaving the scene now
-We have a second business on fire
I found myself praying constantly. Asking God to help these people. All of them. Asking Him to make the rioters realize that what they are doing is not solving anything but instead making matters worse. Asking Him to be with ALL responders. From the dispatchers, to the police, to the firemen, to the EMS crews, to the civil defense people.
-We need more manpower, we can't keep up with these fires
-They are throwing Molotov cocktails off the roof now
-We have a 3rd building on fire now
-Paging out National Guard to cover another area for fire/looters
-We have residential alarms going off
-We have looters at O'Reilly's Auto Parts
-The media is getting blocked in by fire
-We have heavy gunfire now
-We (firemen) are going to have to retreat from this fire because of shots being fired at us
-Looters at Aldi's
I do not know how I would respond if these were my guys; my people. I do not know if I could keep my composure like my fellow dispatchers were doing tonight. I would love to think that I would be strong and do the job before me and then crumble at a later date but nobody knows until something happens. I hope it never does though. How do you think you would handle it if your guys didn't respond to you? Compare it to someone you really and truly love with every ounce of your being.....that's how close we become with our law enforcement family...and imagine being on the phone with them while they are fighting for their life and you are trying to ask them to talk to you; to tell you where they are; to ask them who is hurting them. But they can't answer you. For whatever reason. Yeah...imagine how your heart would feel. Some of the dispatchers were having a terrible time hearing their guys and that's frustrating enough.
As a dispatcher, it is a huge punch in the stomach when one of your guys doesn't answer you on the radio. And if they don't answer their phone, the stomach churning just gets worse. I have only had it happen a couple of times luckily and I know how I felt then.
-Fire/looters at Walgreens
-We have 2 officers not responding now
-We have a car/tree accident
-Need you at such-and-such address for a domestic situation
-In front of the Burger King & Krispy Creme there are two men with assault rifles wrapped up
-O'Reilly's is fully engulfed at this time
-Red's BBQ is on fire. We have 50-70 people here all with weapons
-We have a male shooting cars at the bus stop
-We have several break-ins
-They are breaking into the city hall now
Now imagine, as a dispatcher, having to make the determination on which call is more important than what; having to make the decision to pull someone off of one thing to cover another. On top of their everyday calls that they have to take care of and dispatch for, now they had this! Every dispatcher was calm, cool and collected. Their voices never wavered even though I know they wanted to because mine already was for them. I silently prayed that my guys stayed in the office for the rest of my shift because I was so shaken by the things I was hearing, I didn't know if I even had the voice to answer them on the radio.
-We have an overdose and need an ambulance
-The Taco Bell and Auto Tire are being looted right now. They drove a car through the front of it and there are 60-70 looters.
-We have a subject laying in the bed of a truck firing off rounds
-Shots fired at Taco Bell
-We need an ambulance for a subject feeling paranoid (I wonder why)
-We have a residence with the basement windows broken out and the homeowners didn't have a clue that anything was going on (Really? How did that happen?)
I heard they were having problems in Seattle, San Franciso, and Oakland at this time also. And I don't get that either because.....WHY? Just why? Isn't it enough that the "locals and not quite so locals" from around the Ferguson area were wreaking havoc, that elsewhere in the country we had to show our stupidity? And that's my opinion of it all. Damn stupidity! I am so angry right now.
An off-duty dispatcher that is in a mutual online group as me, hears her own troopers scream out for help. How sickening! For 30 minutes, he was not responding for whatever reason and it was heart wrenching. Trooper 987 was in my heart and I don't even know him! I can only imagine how that dispatcher felt. No, that's not true. I can not imagine! I hope to never be in that situation. I kept thinking that I need to do something. I need to do something for St. Louis County, Missouri. I need to do something for Trooper 987. I felt so helpless and the more I listened, the more I prayed that my guys would stay safe. Every day. Every night. Every shift. In every situation. I would sure be an angry woman if someone intentionally hurt my guys.
These are not my officers but these are officers of people that I chat with and correspond with on an almost daily basis. These are people that I am welcome to rant to when I am having a bad day. When I need to rant. So yeah, this pulls at my heartstrings a little bit. When one of them hurts, all of us hurts.
Another thing that keeps getting brought up on tv is "Why did they give the verdict on a Monday night? Why didn't they wait until Tuesday morning? Why didn't they do it when they had more people to help? Why not wait for daylight?" Seriously??? I don't even know what the hell that means!!! More people would be "out and about" during the day. More kids would be at risk. More traffic on the streets for whatever reasons. We knew that it was going to be an "any day, any minute" situation for the past week! Come on! I do not believe that daylight was going to save this scenario. No...it was way too publicized for that. This thing was headed for the shitter right from the beginning.
And guess what? After all this stupidity; after all this mess.....Michael Brown will still be dead. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry that anybody had to die. Now, how is THIS helping the situation? How is THIS honoring his memory in any way? How is THIS going to help his family cope with it? Whether or not you agree with the jury's decision, you absolutely have to agree that this got way out of hand for all the wrong reasons. Michael Brown's family wanted this to be a positive change for Ferguson. Not this hot mess.
As I look at the tv now...after an hour.....so many vehicle's fully engulfed in flames, the Governor has ordered more National Guard come in to help. Wouldn't it have been smarter to have had too many to begin with and not enough? What do I know. Currently, about a dozen buildings burning but guess what? Nobody was seriously hurt. Nobody. Now...there were some injuries but nothing life-threatening. Hallelujah!
I feel a lot better now. I was able to get a lot off my mind. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight. I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening. Until next time.....I will be counting my blessings for the small department that I work in, being grateful for working with such great people, and smiling at life, knowing that I do not have to live in a situation like this. At least not today.
One night at work, I heard a deputy in a neighboring county get his ass handed to him on the radio. I didn't know at the time, that was what I was listening to though. I thought he was running and yelling into the radio because he was so out of breath. What I didn't know was that his own dispatcher could not hear him. And I was sick about it for a while. Then I found out more facts about that situation and didn't feel quite so bad about it. Don't get me wrong. I don't wish any officer to get beat on but in the same breath, I expect every officer to follow protocol. Anyway.....that "sick" was nothing like the "sick" I felt tonight. Funny how many different sicks you can experience.
The verdict was given in the Michael Brown/Officer Darin Wilson shooting in Ferguson, MO. Officer Wilson was not indicted on any charges in this case and as the people in Ferguson were standing out in the streets listening to the speech that the prosecutor was giving from inside the courthouse, I thought for a split second "This just might be okay after all." I guess I thought the very instant they heard there were no charges against this man, complete mayhem would erupt. But it didn't. At least not right away.
And then.....all hell started to break loose. I'm sure you've seen the police car that was basically destroyed right after the verdict was given. They started rocking it, then throwing things at it, and then breaking the windows and trying to tear stuff out of it. Ridiculous! I will never, for the life of me, understand the logic behind looting and/or rioting. I do not understand, nor will I ever understand, how any one of these people could think, for one minute, that what they were about to do, would be a positive thing. How do they justify their actions?
Here is just a short list of what I listened to tonight on the scanner. I had to stop watching it on tv to keep up with it on the scanner. These were not only from officer's but from dispatchers. It is about an hour's worth of sheer terror for so many. Just an hour!
-The Toys R Us is being looted
-Now they are moving onto the Walmart
-Looters going to the Sonic restaurant now
-We are evacuating a residence here, it is fully engulfed
-Now there is a car fire at Toys R Us
-We have a business on fire
-Need someone to respond to the police department for looters/vandals
-We now have looters and are declaring a code 3000
-15-20 vehicles leaving the scene now
-We have a second business on fire
I found myself praying constantly. Asking God to help these people. All of them. Asking Him to make the rioters realize that what they are doing is not solving anything but instead making matters worse. Asking Him to be with ALL responders. From the dispatchers, to the police, to the firemen, to the EMS crews, to the civil defense people.
-We need more manpower, we can't keep up with these fires
-They are throwing Molotov cocktails off the roof now
-We have a 3rd building on fire now
-Paging out National Guard to cover another area for fire/looters
-We have residential alarms going off
-We have looters at O'Reilly's Auto Parts
-The media is getting blocked in by fire
-We have heavy gunfire now
-We (firemen) are going to have to retreat from this fire because of shots being fired at us
-Looters at Aldi's
I do not know how I would respond if these were my guys; my people. I do not know if I could keep my composure like my fellow dispatchers were doing tonight. I would love to think that I would be strong and do the job before me and then crumble at a later date but nobody knows until something happens. I hope it never does though. How do you think you would handle it if your guys didn't respond to you? Compare it to someone you really and truly love with every ounce of your being.....that's how close we become with our law enforcement family...and imagine being on the phone with them while they are fighting for their life and you are trying to ask them to talk to you; to tell you where they are; to ask them who is hurting them. But they can't answer you. For whatever reason. Yeah...imagine how your heart would feel. Some of the dispatchers were having a terrible time hearing their guys and that's frustrating enough.
As a dispatcher, it is a huge punch in the stomach when one of your guys doesn't answer you on the radio. And if they don't answer their phone, the stomach churning just gets worse. I have only had it happen a couple of times luckily and I know how I felt then.
-Fire/looters at Walgreens
-We have 2 officers not responding now
-We have a car/tree accident
-Need you at such-and-such address for a domestic situation
-In front of the Burger King & Krispy Creme there are two men with assault rifles wrapped up
-O'Reilly's is fully engulfed at this time
-Red's BBQ is on fire. We have 50-70 people here all with weapons
-We have a male shooting cars at the bus stop
-We have several break-ins
-They are breaking into the city hall now
Now imagine, as a dispatcher, having to make the determination on which call is more important than what; having to make the decision to pull someone off of one thing to cover another. On top of their everyday calls that they have to take care of and dispatch for, now they had this! Every dispatcher was calm, cool and collected. Their voices never wavered even though I know they wanted to because mine already was for them. I silently prayed that my guys stayed in the office for the rest of my shift because I was so shaken by the things I was hearing, I didn't know if I even had the voice to answer them on the radio.
-We have an overdose and need an ambulance
-The Taco Bell and Auto Tire are being looted right now. They drove a car through the front of it and there are 60-70 looters.
-We have a subject laying in the bed of a truck firing off rounds
-Shots fired at Taco Bell
-We need an ambulance for a subject feeling paranoid (I wonder why)
-We have a residence with the basement windows broken out and the homeowners didn't have a clue that anything was going on (Really? How did that happen?)
I heard they were having problems in Seattle, San Franciso, and Oakland at this time also. And I don't get that either because.....WHY? Just why? Isn't it enough that the "locals and not quite so locals" from around the Ferguson area were wreaking havoc, that elsewhere in the country we had to show our stupidity? And that's my opinion of it all. Damn stupidity! I am so angry right now.
An off-duty dispatcher that is in a mutual online group as me, hears her own troopers scream out for help. How sickening! For 30 minutes, he was not responding for whatever reason and it was heart wrenching. Trooper 987 was in my heart and I don't even know him! I can only imagine how that dispatcher felt. No, that's not true. I can not imagine! I hope to never be in that situation. I kept thinking that I need to do something. I need to do something for St. Louis County, Missouri. I need to do something for Trooper 987. I felt so helpless and the more I listened, the more I prayed that my guys would stay safe. Every day. Every night. Every shift. In every situation. I would sure be an angry woman if someone intentionally hurt my guys.
These are not my officers but these are officers of people that I chat with and correspond with on an almost daily basis. These are people that I am welcome to rant to when I am having a bad day. When I need to rant. So yeah, this pulls at my heartstrings a little bit. When one of them hurts, all of us hurts.
Another thing that keeps getting brought up on tv is "Why did they give the verdict on a Monday night? Why didn't they wait until Tuesday morning? Why didn't they do it when they had more people to help? Why not wait for daylight?" Seriously??? I don't even know what the hell that means!!! More people would be "out and about" during the day. More kids would be at risk. More traffic on the streets for whatever reasons. We knew that it was going to be an "any day, any minute" situation for the past week! Come on! I do not believe that daylight was going to save this scenario. No...it was way too publicized for that. This thing was headed for the shitter right from the beginning.
And guess what? After all this stupidity; after all this mess.....Michael Brown will still be dead. Don't get me wrong, I am sorry that anybody had to die. Now, how is THIS helping the situation? How is THIS honoring his memory in any way? How is THIS going to help his family cope with it? Whether or not you agree with the jury's decision, you absolutely have to agree that this got way out of hand for all the wrong reasons. Michael Brown's family wanted this to be a positive change for Ferguson. Not this hot mess.
As I look at the tv now...after an hour.....so many vehicle's fully engulfed in flames, the Governor has ordered more National Guard come in to help. Wouldn't it have been smarter to have had too many to begin with and not enough? What do I know. Currently, about a dozen buildings burning but guess what? Nobody was seriously hurt. Nobody. Now...there were some injuries but nothing life-threatening. Hallelujah!
I feel a lot better now. I was able to get a lot off my mind. Maybe I can get some sleep tonight. I guess time will tell. Thanks for listening. Until next time.....I will be counting my blessings for the small department that I work in, being grateful for working with such great people, and smiling at life, knowing that I do not have to live in a situation like this. At least not today.
2014/11/18
Oh yes I did!
I blame Sharon for this blog. This will be TWO in one night if I get this done! That is...get this done without either laughing myself off the page or jumping off a bridge.
Oh where to start.....Sharon has lost 43 lbs. since March and she looks amazing. Now, I haven't known Sharon for a really long time but I have known who she was. Always friendly, always smiling, and always helping someone out. Never once would I have put her in the category of "overweight" though. To each their own though, right? Who am I to say if someone is overweight? I don't know their body and how it works for them. I'm doing good to know my own!
As I was reading Sharon's blog about her last 200+ days and her journey, I found myself laughing....which I can really, really use right now.....and commenting. To nobody. I am the only person in the room. At one point I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I have, I don't know.
Sharon talked about how she started out going to take her picture every Monday and like the rest of us, didn't always get that done. But she did have a lot of pictures and you could see significant change in her body. Good job girl, you are great motivation for me.
Maybe I will try that ".....take a picture every Monday" thing too. And I am not waiting until January to do it because we all know that whole "This year's New Year's Resolution is to lose weight" thing is just off-the-charts BS. I will have Quintin take my picture tonight when I get out of bed and that will be my Monday picture. Hmmm, where ARE those pink leggings at??? Oh, have I mentioned that when I wake up, I bear a slight resemblance to Sideshow Bob???
Note to self: Brush the hair!
Something else Sharon did was start a journal. I have tried that. I don't last long. And I'm not going to subject you to it here either. You are safe for now! Not sure what I am going to do but I will figure something out. There is something about carrying around a leather notebook though.....oh hell, we all know I'm going to start writing this crap down! And yes, you will be reading it too!
Sharon was talking about how she has done what most every single person on this earth has done and that is diet. Ugh, I hate that word. It took me years to learn that no diet in the world is going to work. Lifestyle change is truly the way to go if you want to be successful. With me being a diabetic, you'd think I'd have that lifestyle thing down, huh? Nope! I have always convinced myself that I will be able to get the same results by doing the complete opposite of everyone else. *sigh* And I'm still here. Struggling. But I'm on a much better track now than I was say.....5 years ago. Much better!
When she was telling about how she would eat one day, starve herself the next, and then eat again the following day...I must say, I was laughing so hard. Oh yes, I have tried that. Oh yes, I should kick myself in the ass for that one. And you should too if you have done it. Anyway, as I was reading it, I had a flashback of epic proportions:
The cabbage soup diet: You make this huge...and by huge, I mean the size of Arkansas...pot of cabbage soup. And that's all you can eat. But you can eat anytime you want. Day or night. Just dish up some of that yummy cabbage soup! And it's good...if you like cabbage. And I LOVE cabbage! Unfortunately, just like math class, it didn't love me. Let's just say that the results could have been one reason for my first divorce. Oh the horror. I will proudly say though, that I did get a whole stew pot of cabbage eaten before I finally realized I had bloated myself 4 pant sizes larger than where I started. Roll me away from the table, I am done!
The water diet: This one was much like her starvation diet with the exception of forcing myself to drink about 6 gallons of water a day. That's a lot of water. And a lot of bloating. And a LOT of peeing. And if you needed to stray anywhere outside of your home, your best bet was to wear a diaper of some kind. Miserable.
The ex-lax diet: Oh yes I did! Shitty. That's all I can say about it. This is one you definitely need to stay away from. The crappiest diet with the crappiest results I have ever gotten! Sick!
The military diet: Okay, now I know a lot of people do not like this diet but I have to say that I am a huge fan of it. Three days of eating good, wholesome food that doesn't suck and then you don't do it again until the following week. When I was in high school, I lost about 25 lbs. on this. Then I met someone named Miller Lite, who introduced me to his cousin Bud and well, I quickly found my 25 lbs. plus a few more. I hate it when I find those little bastards. This diet consists of things like cottage cheese, tuna, green beans, and even ice cream, among other things.
Binge & Purge: When I lived in Kansas City, I walked a lot. And I lost a lot of weight. I ate one meal a day and it consisted of one of two things. Either a package of ramen noodle soup OR a small bag of microwave popcorn. And I lived happily with that "diet" for several months. Maybe even a year. Then...when I plateaued, I did the "next best" thing and made myself puke it up. Oh yes I did! And yes, the weight literally fell off of me. That didn't make it right and it definitely didn't make it good for me. Not only was it bad for my body but it wasn't so good for my mind either. Now...put on top of that a long distance relationship with a guy that you knew...deep down in the pit of your stomach...was never, ever going to work out. Oh yes! I did!
**side note: for all the people that accused me of doing drugs when I was in KC, you were wrong. THIS is how I lost all my weight.**
Please do not take the time to tell me what is a good "diet" and/or "choice." Please respect that I will do whatever I choose to do. Just like you will choose to do what you want. And if that includes a can of Monster energy drink every day, then so be it! Who am I (or you) to judge???
I have never been a fan of things like Weight Watchers, where you need to pay to get the benefits and then on top of that, pay a higher price for a packaged meal. Nuh-uh, I like my real food, thanks! I did go to TOPS when I lived in Bedford years ago (where I made some life-long friends) and loved it. I think money was the top motivator then. Hell, it probably would be now if I had someone to go to these things with. I just do not know enough people in this area with the same likes as myself. And that spills over into needing a walking partner. Not necessarily someone to talk to while we walk. Just someone that is going to "go the course" with me and be there for each other through it and after it.
So back to Sharon's blog. She tells how she used to get up at 4am just to exercise! 4 a.m.!!! What the hell was she thinking????? And if that wasn't bad enough, she had young children! WHAT??? She should have had her head examined but hey, like I said, to each their own!!!
I have tried that whole "getting up and starting my day with exercise" BS and to this day, I concur that it is, in fact, complete BS. I do not know how anyone does it. I mean, if you are one that can and does, more power to you. Ugh, nothing will make me puke faster and think more negatively than exercising right after I wake up. A lot of times I work overnights and then go walking after work. But that's only after I have put in an 8 hour or more shift. I'm not doing that shit before work. I'm just not.
I will bring this to a close. I want Sharon to know that she has inspired me just when I thought all hope was lost for me. I have made some notes to get me started and am looking forward to this new journey. I was originally going to give a timeline but have changed my mind. I think I will just see how long it takes me to get where I need to be. And then.....like Sharon.....work to keep it off and live happily ever after in my new "lifestyle."
Sharon, if you're reading this...I thank you (and I may hate you before it's over). In all honesty your blog has helped pull me out of this "funk" I am feeling myself slide into. At least for a little bit, and hopefully for the next 200+ days. Thank you for not giving up on your talents and for continuing on your writing journey. It's people like me that need people like you to blog! Much love!!!
Oh where to start.....Sharon has lost 43 lbs. since March and she looks amazing. Now, I haven't known Sharon for a really long time but I have known who she was. Always friendly, always smiling, and always helping someone out. Never once would I have put her in the category of "overweight" though. To each their own though, right? Who am I to say if someone is overweight? I don't know their body and how it works for them. I'm doing good to know my own!
As I was reading Sharon's blog about her last 200+ days and her journey, I found myself laughing....which I can really, really use right now.....and commenting. To nobody. I am the only person in the room. At one point I thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I have, I don't know.
Sharon talked about how she started out going to take her picture every Monday and like the rest of us, didn't always get that done. But she did have a lot of pictures and you could see significant change in her body. Good job girl, you are great motivation for me.
Maybe I will try that ".....take a picture every Monday" thing too. And I am not waiting until January to do it because we all know that whole "This year's New Year's Resolution is to lose weight" thing is just off-the-charts BS. I will have Quintin take my picture tonight when I get out of bed and that will be my Monday picture. Hmmm, where ARE those pink leggings at??? Oh, have I mentioned that when I wake up, I bear a slight resemblance to Sideshow Bob???
Note to self: Brush the hair!
Something else Sharon did was start a journal. I have tried that. I don't last long. And I'm not going to subject you to it here either. You are safe for now! Not sure what I am going to do but I will figure something out. There is something about carrying around a leather notebook though.....oh hell, we all know I'm going to start writing this crap down! And yes, you will be reading it too!
Sharon was talking about how she has done what most every single person on this earth has done and that is diet. Ugh, I hate that word. It took me years to learn that no diet in the world is going to work. Lifestyle change is truly the way to go if you want to be successful. With me being a diabetic, you'd think I'd have that lifestyle thing down, huh? Nope! I have always convinced myself that I will be able to get the same results by doing the complete opposite of everyone else. *sigh* And I'm still here. Struggling. But I'm on a much better track now than I was say.....5 years ago. Much better!
When she was telling about how she would eat one day, starve herself the next, and then eat again the following day...I must say, I was laughing so hard. Oh yes, I have tried that. Oh yes, I should kick myself in the ass for that one. And you should too if you have done it. Anyway, as I was reading it, I had a flashback of epic proportions:
The cabbage soup diet: You make this huge...and by huge, I mean the size of Arkansas...pot of cabbage soup. And that's all you can eat. But you can eat anytime you want. Day or night. Just dish up some of that yummy cabbage soup! And it's good...if you like cabbage. And I LOVE cabbage! Unfortunately, just like math class, it didn't love me. Let's just say that the results could have been one reason for my first divorce. Oh the horror. I will proudly say though, that I did get a whole stew pot of cabbage eaten before I finally realized I had bloated myself 4 pant sizes larger than where I started. Roll me away from the table, I am done!
The water diet: This one was much like her starvation diet with the exception of forcing myself to drink about 6 gallons of water a day. That's a lot of water. And a lot of bloating. And a LOT of peeing. And if you needed to stray anywhere outside of your home, your best bet was to wear a diaper of some kind. Miserable.
The ex-lax diet: Oh yes I did! Shitty. That's all I can say about it. This is one you definitely need to stay away from. The crappiest diet with the crappiest results I have ever gotten! Sick!
The military diet: Okay, now I know a lot of people do not like this diet but I have to say that I am a huge fan of it. Three days of eating good, wholesome food that doesn't suck and then you don't do it again until the following week. When I was in high school, I lost about 25 lbs. on this. Then I met someone named Miller Lite, who introduced me to his cousin Bud and well, I quickly found my 25 lbs. plus a few more. I hate it when I find those little bastards. This diet consists of things like cottage cheese, tuna, green beans, and even ice cream, among other things.
Binge & Purge: When I lived in Kansas City, I walked a lot. And I lost a lot of weight. I ate one meal a day and it consisted of one of two things. Either a package of ramen noodle soup OR a small bag of microwave popcorn. And I lived happily with that "diet" for several months. Maybe even a year. Then...when I plateaued, I did the "next best" thing and made myself puke it up. Oh yes I did! And yes, the weight literally fell off of me. That didn't make it right and it definitely didn't make it good for me. Not only was it bad for my body but it wasn't so good for my mind either. Now...put on top of that a long distance relationship with a guy that you knew...deep down in the pit of your stomach...was never, ever going to work out. Oh yes! I did!
**side note: for all the people that accused me of doing drugs when I was in KC, you were wrong. THIS is how I lost all my weight.**
Please do not take the time to tell me what is a good "diet" and/or "choice." Please respect that I will do whatever I choose to do. Just like you will choose to do what you want. And if that includes a can of Monster energy drink every day, then so be it! Who am I (or you) to judge???
I have never been a fan of things like Weight Watchers, where you need to pay to get the benefits and then on top of that, pay a higher price for a packaged meal. Nuh-uh, I like my real food, thanks! I did go to TOPS when I lived in Bedford years ago (where I made some life-long friends) and loved it. I think money was the top motivator then. Hell, it probably would be now if I had someone to go to these things with. I just do not know enough people in this area with the same likes as myself. And that spills over into needing a walking partner. Not necessarily someone to talk to while we walk. Just someone that is going to "go the course" with me and be there for each other through it and after it.
So back to Sharon's blog. She tells how she used to get up at 4am just to exercise! 4 a.m.!!! What the hell was she thinking????? And if that wasn't bad enough, she had young children! WHAT??? She should have had her head examined but hey, like I said, to each their own!!!
I have tried that whole "getting up and starting my day with exercise" BS and to this day, I concur that it is, in fact, complete BS. I do not know how anyone does it. I mean, if you are one that can and does, more power to you. Ugh, nothing will make me puke faster and think more negatively than exercising right after I wake up. A lot of times I work overnights and then go walking after work. But that's only after I have put in an 8 hour or more shift. I'm not doing that shit before work. I'm just not.
I will bring this to a close. I want Sharon to know that she has inspired me just when I thought all hope was lost for me. I have made some notes to get me started and am looking forward to this new journey. I was originally going to give a timeline but have changed my mind. I think I will just see how long it takes me to get where I need to be. And then.....like Sharon.....work to keep it off and live happily ever after in my new "lifestyle."
Sharon, if you're reading this...I thank you (and I may hate you before it's over). In all honesty your blog has helped pull me out of this "funk" I am feeling myself slide into. At least for a little bit, and hopefully for the next 200+ days. Thank you for not giving up on your talents and for continuing on your writing journey. It's people like me that need people like you to blog! Much love!!!
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