I'm content

I saw this on a Facebook post and thought it was the funniest...

funniest haha AND funniest hmmm...

post that this gal could have chosen

to publicly display.

WHY?

Because literally one week before she posted this thing,

I drove three hours to see her...

only to get this when I called to tell her I was in town

 "I woke up in pain.  

I mean I didn't get any sleep.

I'm not up for company.

I meant to text you last night

but must have forgotten."

OKAY...

Not trying to be a literal bitch here

but what is it?

Did you wake up in pain

OR

did you not sleep?

OR

did you really not have any intentions

of spending time with me.

Because I can accept that answer

just a little bit better.

You can't have it both ways.

JUST KNOW THIS

I don't "chase" nor do I want to be "chased."

You made your choice though.

And I'm okay with it.

The day you let me drive all that distance

without a single thought as to the money I spent

in gasoline;

or the time I took away from other people

that actually DID want to spend time with me,

And

I HAD ONE OF THE BEST DAYS!!

See, I was going to see if I could treat you

and your child to lunch.

I thought we could take a drive around town

and see some places that we used to go to.

I thought we might see a friend or two

that we shared from the "good ole days."

I thought we might stop at a park

and relax and "pick up where we left off."

BUT I DID IT WITHOUT YOU.

I took advantage of the day

and saw so many places,

that were once so special to me.

I walked some malls,

did some window shopping,

AND

ate at a restaurant all by myself.

And I didn't die.

It may not have been the best feeling

sitting there all alone

wondering;

but it sure beats the feeling of

dragging my ass out of bed 

before the crack of dawn

and driving three hours

only to find out that you

couldn't be upfront with me;

that my time wasn't worth your trouble.

AND THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm okay.

And I'm tough.

And I learn from all my mistakes.

YOU'RE STILL THERE.

On my friends list

and I have no intentions of removing you.

Because you are always going to be

that reminder

that people can't always trust

people.

AND AGAIN, THAT'S OKAY.

Because I'm content in my own company.

Stressing over the little things

I went to a birthday party and someone asked me if I have Social Anxiety Disorder simply because I sat "away" from the crowd.  And that made me laugh.  After all, I haven't found one person that will agree with the fact that I really was a shy little kid growing up so what makes anyone think I get anxiety from people?!  I was shy... (but it's just a sad fact that nobody will have my back on this little tidbit of information about my past) whether anyone believes me or not.  In all seriousness, I like to think I'm a pretty social person but then again, people do tend to irritate me.

Anyway, I recently had an interesting conversation with a dear friend that told me that she loves the idea of going and doing things with her friends and then after making that commitment, gets an almost sick feeling in her stomach because she doesn't want to follow through with it.  Our day away was actually one of those times she felt that way but she forced herself to follow through, work through, and enjoy herself.  Funny thing is that I went through that exact same thing.  Each of us about cancelled on the other but we didn't and we ended up having one of the best days together!!  So many laughs and personal talks.  I wouldn't trade that day for anything!

I wonder though, why we let our anxiety get to us like that?  When we know in our heart of hearts, that we want to spend time with people or a particular person, why do we let that feeling of "oh boy" get to us?  

I have another friend that always tells me she loves the fact that I am not afraid to do anything and not afraid of anything (there is a short list of things I'm afraid of, as we all know) and she wishes she could be more like me.  The real truth of the matter is this:  I am terrified at least once a day about how someone is going to perceive me or look at me.  But I refuse to let that keep me hostage in my own body; in my own home; or my own world.  I force myself to work through it.  At least once a day and some days, many times a day; depending on the situations.

But, on the other side of things.....I am not confident enough (for lack of a better term) with myself to go to a movie alone.  I tried that recently and lost my ticket right before the movie was to start.  If that wasn't a sign from God, I don't know what is!  I am also not confident enough to go to a restaurant and eat a meal by myself.  When a friend of mine (who is freakishly weird about doing both of the above) asked me why I can't do that, it all boils down to how people would perceive me.  Oh Lord, we have had this conversation too many times to count.  

"Why does it matter what people think of you?"

I don't have an answer.  As much as I can tell myself it doesn't matter what people think, it does matter.  I don't want to be that weirdo that has no friends to go out in public with.  Wait...I think I already am that weirdo.  -_-  I guess it's easier to penalize myself and stay home simply because my friends have different schedules than I do.  Sounds stupid, yes; but that's the way it goes.

Where the hell was I going with all of this?  Someone needs to step in and tie this all together.

I have a friend that lives in Kansas City and she and I have had some wild and crazy times.  I haven't seen her for years.  Maybe.....12 years.  I feel the need to see her; to visit her and get to know her again; to refresh my soul and rekindle anything our friendship may have lost.  And as much as I want to see her, the anxiety it brings out in me about makes me cancel the trip.  But I won't.  And I won't let myself think too much about going because I don't want to stress myself out about it.  I will work through this.  And I am excited to see her again.  I can't wait to see her beautiful smile and meet her amazing kids.  Girl, if you are reading this.....I will be there and we will have the time of our lives.  

Does any of this make sense?  Does anyone feel the same sense of "people freak me out but I love them" like I do?  Does anyone else have to mentally force themselves to do public things?  Time to step up and live outside the box.  What's the worst that can happen?

Just a short tidbit about nothing, really.  Just thinking with my fingers again.  Until next time.....have a beautiful day and thanks for reading!

Up close and.....too personal

**WARNING**

**VERY LONG BLOG**

**VERY INTIMATE BLOG**

**YOU MAY BE APPALLED**

**YOU MAY BE SHOCKED**

**YOU MAY BLUSH **

**YOU MAY NEVER MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME AGAIN**

So...........I go away for a long time and what do I come back with?

Sex

That is all I could find.  Just the sex.  Well, maybe not ALL I could find; but it was slim pickens!

For this particular blog.....I keep asking myself...and you are probably going to think the sam thing... "What were you thinking???"   Well, I don't know for sure what I was thinking when I thought I would put this together but I have to say this.....I have some pretty great friends to answer these silly questions I came up with.

I was even going to save this for Valentine's Day but.....  Oh, who am I kidding?  It may take me until then to figure this whole thing out!!!  Just humor me here, ok?  This blog was literally started on Thursday, January 14th and here it is Tuesday, March 8th.  I think it's time to get this party put "in the books."  Got your seat belt on???

A while back, I must have signed up for some kind of email that submitted short stories.  I am a sucker for stories.  Especially the short ones.  There was one article called "The man deciding whether to cheat on his sexless relationship" and it caught my eye. To be honest, I would bet at least 6 things went through my mind when I saw that caption but I'm not going to get into that right now.

I can't pinpoint one particular reason why this article caught my eye other than it was about sex and well....I'm kinda weird and funny about it. It is a subject I can talk about all day long.  After reading the article I thought “Well why not do my own blog on the subject” and then the seed was planted.  

CONFESSION #1:  In October.  The seed was planted back in OCTOBER!!!  Yes, it has been a busy season.  Talk about sitting on an egg to keep it warm, huh???

I emailed several of my friends that agreed to participate and promised their anonymity. Their information has been jotted down but that is it.  No names, no email addresses.  All deleted from my files so all I have to do now is make some sense out of this particular information.  I have to be honest though, if I had received an email asking me these questions.....I wouldn't be able to resist.  I would have to have funny answers as well as serious answers.  I can talk about sex all day long.  I never said it was a serious talk!

CONFESSION #2:  Reading their answers makes me look, well.....not-so-great.  My honesty will either put a smile on your face or wipe me clean off your map.  Either way, it's about to get dirty up in here!

I asked several questions of gals (because I didn't know one single man that would take this seriously enough to answer them) ranging in age from early 20's to mid 60's.  I have to say I was quite surprised at how they answered a lot of questions the same.  I guess age doesn't change anything. And if that is the case.....good thing I married a younger man!

A difference of 1 person on my panel tipped the scales of being in a relationship while the other side, due to death or divorce, were not. I asked if these gals considered themselves "sexual" and the majority said yes.  Phew!  

CONFESSION #3:  I will also throw myself into this group.  I have always heard that men think about sex at least once a minute every day. I think someone posted that memo inside my head because I do it too.  Although over half of that time is spent making a mental joke about it.  I never said I was right.  I have only said I am fun.  So, I just think that the majority of people are sexual.  Whether you want to be or not, I am hereby deeming you sexual.  Kinda makes ya smile, huh?

"Would you say you are sexually active?"  
Sounds funny, doesn't it?  Either you are or you aren't.  BUT, I think that if you aren't having sex as much as you like, you may not consider yourself to be sexually active; whereas others may think that if they have sex once a year, they are sexually active.  My own opinion if you are only having sex once a year....go get you some.  Find a friend.  Phone a friend.  Hell, I don't care what you do but get that friend over there and get you some!  The cobwebs needs to be blown out.  Just throw caution to the wind and "fuck it."  

CONFESSION #4:  I would throw caution to the wind every hour on the hour but....well life gets in the way!

I nearly forgot what the hell I was doing here.  My thought process just hit red on my sex meter.  I was ready to break out the pom poms and cheer you gals on!!!  Back to business at hand!

Most of my group says they are sexually active...or would be if they had a partner.  That makes me so proud.  I like it when my girls can "get it."  And I love it that they admit it.  No need to be so damn uptight about this stuff!

"When you wake up, do you feel sexy, horny, both or neither?"  
My panel of experts were split on this one and I can't even fathom it!  (Remember:  not right, just funny)  The majority...and only by a very slim margin...says they are none of the above when they wake up.  But following very closely behind was a group saying "HEY, OVER HERE!  I'M HORNY!!!" and a mere few that just sometimes get the urge at the crack of dawn...or whenever it is they wake up.

CONFESSION #5:  I couldn't wait to get the answers to this question because damn it, I think the absolute best time to just fuck your brains out is right when you wake up.  I bet you weren't expecting that, huh?  

"What would you say is the difference between being sexy and being horny?"  
I got a range of answers to this one and they all said the same thing.  
"Sexy is how you feel on the outside while horny is how you feel on the inside."
"Sexy can be putting on a nightgown while horny is craving the sex."
"Sexy is emotional while horny is not.  Horny is just 'give it to me now.'"
I have the funnest friends in the world.  Let's not forget that.  

CONFESSION #6:  I try to be both sexy and horny all at the same time.  I think it brings out the "inner sex" of someone if you can put your sexy into your horny and it tends to bring love-making to an all-time high.  Try breaking a bed by simply having sex AND look hot while doing it.  You will never forget it.

By the way, I never said this blog was going to be comfortable.

"Are there any certain sexual triggers in the course of your day that make you feel sexy or horny?" 
Only a couple of people said no and that surprised me.  You can't believe how I am beaming with pride over my friends right now!!  Glimpses from men, just that certain time of day hits, you catch the familiar scent of a former (and obvious great) lover...are just a few of the answers I received. 

CONFESSION #7:  When I think about the first time my husband and I went fishing together, I get that warm, fuzzy feeling going on.....and we didn't even have sex that day!  I just remember that I felt so close to him and I was the center of his entire world and it was the best feeling ever.  Going fishing will always be a big trigger for me.

"Generally, how sexual do you feel in the middle of the day?"  
CONFESSION #8:  Since I work nights, I am generally waking up in the middle of the day so yeah.............IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME!!!  When I worked the day shift though, I probably didn't think as much about it.  Although, if I had a really good day, whether at work or out and about, and I mean a REALLY good day...yeah, I wouldn't pass coming home and riding the bronco to celebrate.  Hey, just sayin!  

But that feeling of not wanting sex in the middle of the day was almost completely unanimous with the exception of one person (besides me) and that was a "depends on the day," so there you have it.....women don't want it in the middle of the day.  Unless they are just waking up ;-)

"Do you ever fix a meal for someone special in hopes of them feeling sexual or horny?" 
Without my input, my gals were split right down the middle.  Half said yes and half said no.  To the ones that said no, you may want to consider it.  Cobwebs, remember?  A plate of lasagna and you could be in orgasmic heaven!  It may truly be that easy!!!

CONFESSION #9:  I have done this numerous times.  I should be ashamed. I'm not. I have made expensive meals from King Crab to simple, cheap, yet elegant chocolate covered pineapple dishes (only a few of you are going to get that) in hopes (and preparation) of getting my groove thang on!  Until the day I die, or my husband dies, whichever comes first, I will feed him the food of the love gods.  Whatever it is he is craving that day.....if it means I get a smile on my face.

"Do you consider yourself a flirt?"  
If this question wasn't just made for me!  I have a sister that thinks I flirt with just about everybody I come into contact with.  And she's right of course!  HA!  I don't even have to make this a confession.  I flirt all the time.  It's what I do.  It's like breathing to me.  It's fun and that's the only way it's meant to be taken.  In fun.  I believe that if you know where your line is...and you stay behind it...and you are honest about it with everyone, including your spouse, there is no harm.  Everyone needs to feel wanted.  Everyone.  Apparently, only myself and one other in this group consider themselves a flirt.  I'm not sure who this person is but we should probably hang out more often!!!

"Have you ever cheated on a partner?"  
This question probably wasn't too fair to ask so I hope nobody took it to heart.  Many of us have such different views on cheating that we could all answer yes and still not be doing the same thing.  Most of us would agree that cheating is having sexual intercourse with another.  To some though, oral sex is not considered sex nor cheating; while to some, just thinking/fantasizing about another is cheating.  So I guess when I asked this question, I should have asked what exactly their meaning of cheating was.  I didn't and majority was no.  

CONFESSION #10:  While I was technically still in a relationship (the end, and it was bad), I did start looking for my next victim...errr friend, I mean.  When I was waiting for my first divorce to finalize, I was already out playing the part of short stop with my doctor friend.  He's the one that taught me about that chocolate pineapple thing.  And just by sheer luck, I met and got to know my current husband as he worked on my car, while the now-ex husband was busy playing hide the salami with another man.  Yes, you read that right.  

Again, this wasn't meant to be comfortable.

"If you knew you could cheat and NEVER be caught, do you think you would?"  
I worded it this way because I didn't want my peeps to think "would you?"  I wanted them to "think if they would."  Does that make sense?  In the grand scheme of things, you don't know what you are going to do in any given situation until you are faced with it; that's why I say "think you would." 


Everyone on my panel said they would not cheat though.  Again, I have great friends.  Two particular answers made me smile though.  "Maybe with Jax from Sons Of Anarchy!"  Hey, I feel your pain.  I'm a Daryl Dixon fan on The Walking Dead.  I truly get it, ladies.

CONFESSION #11:  I think I would.  I have actually had this conversation with my husband so don't anybody freak out.  I mean, I am a seriously sexual person and yeah...I am willing to jump through some hoops to get some goodies but if I had the GUARANTEE that nobody would EVER find out.......I'm on it.  What do I have to lose?

This is one of the questions where I can just feel my existence being wiped from a few boards.

"Do you think you and your partner have similar sex drives?" 
I literally had ONE person answer yes to this question and man, am I jealous!!!  Or am I?  Maybe neither of them want to have sex.... In that case, my jealousy just went and dug a hole in the ground and hid.  Yeah, I didn't think this one through.  I should have asked who had more of a sexual drive, him or her.  I would about bet though, it's always the man.  Except at my house!

CONFESSION #12:  I can out-sex my husband standing on my head.  There is a reason I am on husband #3.  Without sex I have no reason to live.....

"To what extremes would you go to please your partner sexually?"  
Not so many people share my enthusiasm on this though.  A couple, but not many.  Ladies.....this may be why you aren't getting laid.  Just sayin'!

CONFESSION #13:  If he thinks it's a good idea and I think it sounds fun - and vice versa - there isn't much I won't do to make my husband happy.  Again, I have lines that I clearly wouldn't cross but I do like to make my man feel good.  

"Is the best sex of your life with your current partner?"  
For those that currently do not have a partner, they "used" their last partner for the sake of this questionnaire and majority ruled no.  In my opinion, I think that is probably a normal answer.  I will put my answer in with the majority as well simply because I think when we finally feel that connection with someone, the sex isn't about being "the best" anymore, as much as it is about being "together." 

Together is a better place in my book.  AND I also believe that for many of us, the "best" sex was had when you were young and wild and free.  Yeah, I sound like a rock n roll song but that's just how I feel.

"Does your partner strive to please you in bed?"  
This was pretty much split down the middle with both answers of yes and no but I think the best answer I received on this was "The best sex is successful when we strive to please each other."  Agreed!!  Whoever said this hit the nail on the head!!!  For those of you that answered no, *sad face.*  You may need to break out the ruler and teacher glasses and show him how you want it done.  There's nothing wrong with showing him how you like it.  We all have to learn some way, right?  

CONFESSION #14:  Sometimes I get tired of being the teacher and sometimes I don't!

"Is lack of sex an issue in your relationship, and if so, does it cause issues in other ares of your relationship?"    
Majority ruled no!  Some because they don't have a partner currently so I guess that wouldn't be an issue..........or would it???  These answers varied across the board.  From no to yes because he wanted it all the time and it made me not want to have it at all, to definitely caused a few issues and for some caused a lot of issues.

For the sake of your sanity and mine, that is the end of the questionnaire.  At least for now.  Until I find new material and new suckers...I mean panelists.  I mean, I love my girls but I don't need to be divulging ALL their secrets, right??

I'm not sure that you were really supposed to LEARN anything from this blog and it was truly meant to be in fun but if you got this far and you are still speaking to me, at least tell me you smiled ONCE while reading this!!  And thank you.....for a lot of things but mainly for just putting up with me and my ramblings.  Until next time.....

The best advice I can give you right now is this:

GO GET SOME!!!

Trying to cope with the future

So..... I am not sure there is any way to write this blog without making myself sound like a complete A-hole.  I almost didn't write the blog.  It bothered me enough the past two days that well...here I am, right???  Won't be the first time I've been an A-hole and I suppose it won't be the last.  Unless I stop breathing in the next 30 seconds.....

Before I go into the "why's" of it all, here's where I am sitting mentally:  Because she has passed away, I feel that, given the chance later in life, I won't be able to be completely honest about how I feel about this particular person.  Because she's dead you see.  And it's isn't nice to talk bad about the dead.  I figure I have a few years to work this out but for right now, it gets me "right there!"

My husband's ex-girlfriend has died unexpectedly and you might be thinking "How the hell does this affect you?"  Well, here's the deal.  My husband and his ex-girlfriend had two children together and they lost their children to the State.  I met my husband during the latter half of the battle that he eventually lost, to get his kids back.  This was literally the worst time of his life.  Apparently I was brought into his life for a reason and I believe that reason was to show him that life can go on; that if you live your life right and do the right things, your past could come back to greet you in a good way.

It has taken many years for my husband to deal with this loss and it hasn't always been easy dealing with the ex.  For him, not me.  
I have never had to deal with her.  
I have never had to speak to her.  
I have never had any kind of contact with her.  (Except for that one time...at Walmart.  And it was just a snide remark.  Okay, I may not have been very nice)  

I will say that the two of them made communication work for them when it was necessary.  Information and picture exchanges about and for the kids went smoothly.  Anytime one needed something from the other, it just worked out.  Well...after I came along it did anyway.  I can't vouch for much before I came into the picture.

I have always told my husband that he needs to get his sh!t straight and keep it straight because there is a good chance that the future holds another day for him to meet up and get to know his kids.  We have stored some things of theirs from when they were babies, we have photo albums waiting for them,  and we put a little money away for them several times a year; just in case they might need it.  Every Christmas, I buy a Christmas tree ornament for each one of them and put their name on it and hang it on the tree (when I choose to put a tree up).  

One thing I have always wondered is what "she" would tell those kids about their dad and about the way things "went down."  I have always wondered if she would make him out to be the devil or if she would have sense enough to give him some credit.  Because credit is certainly due him.  And I'm not saying that credit isn't due her as well but the honest to goodness truth is that she willingly gave her children up without a single thought as to how it was going to affect their father.  

And he didn't get a say in it either.  The one thing I learned in family court and I will never forget for the rest of my life is this:  It is not the duty of Department of Human Services to mend a relationship between the father and the child(ren) if the mother so chooses to relinquish her rights.  The relationship between the father and the child(ren) is not the goal of DHS.  It is and always will be most important to mend the bond between the mother and the child(ren).  This is not verbatim so don't quote me.  

This woman gave her children up, willingly, to the State of Iowa.  And not just the two that she shared with my husband.  There was another child involved.  An older child.  And she was willing to let that child go, as well.  There was never a conversation between her and my husband of "I can't do this anymore.  I am giving you the option of taking these children so I can leave."  Nope.  She just wanted them gone.

And I'm not saying that my husband could have been a single parent.  Hell, half the time I can't get him to pick up his dirty socks from the living room floor so.....  What I am saying is that he should have been given the chance to make a living for himself with his kids.  Yes, he got to visit his children.  Supervised and he had to miss work to do it, but he did it.  He did everything that was asked of him so he could see his kids every chance he got.  But no matter what, it wasn't enough.  But of course they didn't tell him that until the last family court date.

I remember that day before court and my husband's attorney said to me "Where have you been?  We have needed you on his side all along."  Sorry dude but if I had been there all along, he would never have been in this predicament because you don't walk away from your kids.  At least that's what I think and how I feel.  If you feel you can not give your child(ren) what they NEED to get through life, you ask for help and then you do what you have to do.  And IF that means you feel you need to walk away from them (coward), at least give the other parent a chance.  Don't take everything away from your child(ren).  

Well now I'm just pissed off at her again.  I bet you're about as glad to be here as I am, huh???

So the moral dilemma I am having right now is this:  What do I say to these kids should they show up on our doorstep someday?  If I am asked, what can I say to these kids that doesn't make me look like a monster and doesn't make her look like an A-hole.  (HEY, I got that turned around a bit, didn't I??? -_-)  I mean, if she was here to defend herself, I could be 100% honest and say "I think she was a mean and selfish person who couldn't put on her big girl panties and do what was needed to keep her child(ren) clean, healthy, and safe... but that's just my opinion."  I wouldn't dare say that now.  She can't defend herself or her actions.  

There's just so much more to this awful story and I don't feel like adding it to this story is going to help.  I realize this isn't about me.  It is about my husband, his ex, and their children.  But some of it is going to fall on me.  I will have to be the gracious step-mom that I never wanted to be.  If you know me, you know that I have never wanted to be a mom.  I have never wanted that responsibility and have stood by my decisions and my reasons.  I often wonder what would have happened if my husband would have gotten his kids back when we got together.  

There probably would have been a rubber wing somewhere dedicated to my memory.

*sigh*

Until next time...thanks for being here and thanks for letting me ramble on.  I am going to close with a "Rest in Peace, lady.  I hope someday it all makes sense and I hope you are truly at peace."

Watch Yourself

Well...........I am a royal ass.  Plain and simple.  There is no way around it.  But hey, at least I can admit it, right?

I read something the other day about how you can tell a woman all day long how beautiful she is; how smart she is; how she really has this whole "life-thing" figured out;  And her self-esteem will explode within her, giving her a shine like she's never felt before.  And I believe this to be 150% true.  And you can tell the same gal the same stuff over and over for days and she will smile, maybe say thanks but probably something along the lines of "yeah right."  Some women have an awful time taking compliments.

I know because I am one of them.  And I don't know why because I have so many people in my life that build me up. 

In this article though, they went on to say how you can build this woman up with words and one person can come along and say one thing negative and that is what she is going to concentrate on.  That one dark, unimportant piece of venom.  And there goes her shine.  She has forgotten all that beautiful, wonderful, amazing stuff that you had been telling her all day; all week.  In the blink of an eye, that woman can't get past the bad.

WHY???

It seems lately that someone is always congratulating me on my weight loss and my reply is, almost every time, "I'm getting there."  Not "Thanks!  It hasn't been easy....yada yada *happy face* *smiles*...yada yada it's really been worth the effort."  Nope, I most often greet it with something condescending to myself and in a downward spiral.

I have an awesome friend that is constantly telling me how good I look; how cute I am dressed or she likes the way my hair looks on that day and I am consistent with replies such as "It would be better if I had done my hair this way," or "I hate this shirt."  Again, there is no "Thanks chic!"  ALTHOUGH, I will say that I always reply with something about how good she looks or I love her outfit that day because well........she's hotter than a bag of jalapeno peppers, in my opinion.

One night one of my deputies and I were talking on the phone and I said something like "Thanks, I appreciate that."  We were talking about some information that he had given me.  He follows that up with "And hey, I appreciate you."  Now kids.....what is the correct reply to this?  Say it with me... "Thank you!"  Easy for me to put here but not so easy when it's being said to me.  MY reply was "What do you want?"  He then proceeds to tell me that he doesn't want anything except to tell me that he really does appreciate me and he wanted me to know.  That was months ago and I hold it close to my heart.  It meant so much to me to hear it.  

As a general rule, I think we should ALL tell at least one person a day that we appreciate them.  

Now, here is where "being a girl" seems to mess this whole thing up for me.  

Let me first start off by saying that my night deputies aren't like family to me.  They are more than family to me.  I would do anything for them, their wives, their kids.  They would be the first ones I would call if I ever felt threatened, scared, or sad.  For any reason.  They are the ones that get to see me at my best and at my worst.  And they also get to see my best go to worst in a matter of minutes.  And I get to see them at their best and worst as well. It isn't always pretty.  

So recently, someone had the audacity to say some things to me that weren't really mean or bad, okay, they were mean...and I guess bad... but I truly believe they were...are...trying to sabotage my friendships with these guys.  Out of all the things said to me, one sentence has stuck in my head.  ONE SENTENCE.  "You are a good dispatcher but you are DELUSIONAL if you think those boys are your friends."  There were other things that led up to this one particular sentence and things that followed and the more I seemed to fight this person with words, the more venom they had to spew.  Venom wrapped up in a prettier package of course.  They were very articulate in how they chose their words and it didn't take long for me to just sit back and listen to everything they had to say.  I have taken many days to sort it all out and the same questions resurface each and every time.

WHY do we (and I think girls are more apt to do this than boys) have such a hard time taking compliments over and over but accept the negative seed so quickly, and let it take bloom?  
WHY couldn't I just focus on the "You are a good dispatcher" part of the sentence and throw the rest out with the trash?  
WHY do people say things to people to get them to see things that aren't really there?  
WHY would a person feel the need to sabotage someone else's friendship, for any reason?  
WHY do people want to tear other people down?

Why the hell would I believe anything remotely close to this when these deputies have done NOTHING BUT be my friends.  They probably know me better than some of my siblings.  They have proven over and over, without a doubt, that they appreciate me.  I know this to be fact.  But then that little seed got dropped in the dirt and there it went...

And the thing that makes this even funnier (not funnier haha but funnier hmmm) is that the person that tried...or is trying, I haven't decided yet... to rip two very important people from my life...has always had a place in my life.  Well tonight I was rude; I was mean; And I shut out one of those important people when I should have said "Look, we need to talk."  I was mad at myself for letting this BS get to me and in the process, pushed away my friend; my favorite deputy of all time; my "go to;" my BFF!!!  And guess what happened.  He treated me just exactly the way I had treated him.  And I didn't like that at all.  (Lesson learned, I hope!)  That's when I knew I had to talk to him.

And guess what folks....sit down because you aren't going to believe this but.....there is someone else on this earth that is more stubborn than me.  I know.  I know it's hard to believe but yep, he's out there.  Don't screw with him.  That is your warning.  

He didn't want to hear it.  He was so mad at me for turning on him the way that I did, that he did not want to talk to me.  Even when I HAD to call him, he didn't want to answer me; but he did.    So I waited a while.

Now, the good thing about being a dispatcher is that he has to answer my phone calls.  Granted, he could have just as easily hung up on me when he heard what I wanted to say to him but luckily for me, he didn't.  I told him I wanted him to just hear me out because if he had went home and I didn't get to say I was sorry, I would have spent the night vomiting.  So...I made my apologies.  I explained all I was willing to explain and I told him that although I can't promise this stupidity will never happen again, I will do my best for it not to.  

And I thank my lucky stars that he listened.  And I thank God that it was worked out.  And I pray that I will NEVER let anything like that happen ever again.  

Would it be mean to say that I hate people right now?  Not all people.  Just those that feel the need to interfere for no apparent reason than to fill up their day.  

Okay, I feel better.  I still have my friend and I got this off my chest.  Life is good.

Protecting the blue line

I don't have to do this but I am going to anyway...
For those of you that think my tattoos are ridiculous, maybe you should first take the time to understand them.  If, after reading what I have to say about them, you still think I'm ridiculous, well then you can go on your merry way.  I do not care.  If, after reading this, you still can't understand why I proudly display my love and my commitment to the blue line and "my guys," at least I know I tried.  I have done my part.  Ignorance is yours to keep.

On my right arm I have the phrase "Lord, protect my heroes"



We all have our versions of "heroes," and mine just happen to be in law enforcement.  That isn't to say that I don't value our military, our teachers, EMS, firefighters...I could go on all day.  I value many, many people but obviously law enforcement is what I know and what I do so it should be apparent to most anyone that has known me for ten minutes or more, why I have a prayer to protect those that I hold in my heart, as heroes.  If I had a dollar for every time I think "Lord, protect my heroes," I could retire in style and probably retire you as well.  It is THAT constant in my heart and in my mind.

On my left arm I have three badges

The first badge represents Taylor County.  The county where I grew up.  The county that is and always will be home to me.  The county where my dad and my brother were both the county Sheriff at one time and currently I have the honor of my nephew being the Sheriff and another nephew a Deputy Sheriff.  I have a sister that has been the civil clerk for the county for many years and for those that don't know, we grew up in the jail house in Bedford so law enforcement is really and truly what is in my heart.  Every family has a legacy and I am proud that we help represent the blue line. 



I would also like to mention that over the years, I have met some pretty wonderful men and women of law enforcement; from dispatchers to deputies to reserves to troopers, and my life wouldn't be the same without any of them.  I have many, many friends from the Taylor County area that I am proud to call my colleagues, as well as family; even if they aren't blood.  Many from my childhood have passed but that doesn't keep me from holding them close to my heart and reliving such wonderful memories of days gone by.  These people protected me on a daily basis.  From the dispatchers to the deputies to the reserves to the troopers.  And to this day, when I visit the Sheriff's Office there, every person makes me feel like I am back at home.

Every one of these officers...from day one until the day I die, will be "my guys."

The third badge represents Adair County.  The county where I got my official "start" in the business.  I tried and tried to rebel against the idea of getting into this business but I couldn't stay away.  I have to be honest with you when I say that I have made the best friends of my life in this career and in this county.  Some I couldn't imagine not having in my life.  I wouldn't want to change where I am right now for anything in the world. Adair County is where my dad grew up so living here is another blessing for me.  I will always have a part of my dad with me so it's nice to think that I brought a part of him back to his home area.

Again I will add...every officer that I get the honor of working with are, and always will be, "my guys."




I did not skip number two.  This one is in the middle of the two county badges, I held back on this one for a particular reason.  Number two is a memorial shield.  As you can see in the picture, it has a memorial band across it and it is to show my love and gratitude for all fallen officers.  Not just in my area but in the world.  When Kerrie Orozco was killed in the line of duty in Omaha, Nebraska, I was devastated.  Although I did not know Kerrie, her death was very hard on me.

 Her death made me want to protect "my guys" even more than ever.  Her death forced me to be a better dispatcher.  Her death opened my eyes to so many areas of the job that she did and the job that "my guys" do every day.

My shield also represents my friend, Tyler.  The young man that had the bravery of a thousand cops.  The wise soul that held the hearts of thousands of people.  The one that hurts my heart so much to think about him not being on this earth anymore.  My shield honors him because even from a bed inside a great big hospital, he did all he could to protect and serve.  He lived to do it.  He always wanted to protect those that he loved; doing whatever he had to in order to get it done.  And he served.  He served God.  He brought so much love and kindness to this world...to others.  He brought people together.  He had a way of making people know that God was always there whenever they needed him.  There is no greater service than the service of God and this kid really knew what he was doing.

So I will just mention again how Tyler...and even Kerrie...will always be "my guys."  Notches etched in my heart...lumps in my throat so big that sometimes I feel it is easier to throw up than try to swallow them down...EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THEM AND THEIR BRAVERY.  

If by chance, you are one of "my guys" and you are reading this.....Thank You.   Through my tears and from my heart, please know that you are held in the highest esteem and, well..... 

YOU ARE MY HERO

Tribute to Tyler

I hope that every one of you has met at least one person in your life that has changed and challenged the way you think, the way you feel, the way you respond.  I hope that every one of you has met at least one person in your life that has believed in you, pushed you, and broadened your horizons.

I have had the honor and the pleasure of having one person be all of the above for me and his name is Tyler James Cross.  Some of you may know him and some of you may not but I think everyone should meet someone in their life that is just exactly like Tyler.

The other day when we were at the hospital spending time with Ty and the family, someone had left a book there and people were writing in it.  The book was "What Tyler has taught me."  If you know me, you know that I couldn't wait to get my hands on that book and let some emotion seep out.  But since that day and since I wrote in that book, I have not been able to "let go" of the book; at least in my head.  I know what I wrote and I meant every word of what I wrote in that book.  And what I wrote stays between me, Tyler and the family.  Just like what everyone else wrote in the book.  It is personal.  I didn't read anything that anybody else wrote.  I just wanted to write down my special message and be happy that I was able to "tell" him.

But when I say that I haven't been able to "let go" of that book, I mean that I find myself thinking about all the things that I have talked about with Tyler through the years.  All the things we have starting joking around about and ended up in a deep, meaningful conversation.  It didn't take much with Tyler.  He was a pretty deep kid.

Almost 18 years old and he is literally sketched into my heart pretty deep. I know that I will never meet another like him.  Tyler always, always looked for the good in everybody.  When I would be frustrated with someone, he would always find a way to make me think about things from that person's point of view.  He would, without even trying, put me in that person's shoes and have me try to see what they are seeing.  He would try (and I say try because sometimes Ty thought I was a little stubborn) to not necessarily say I was wrong in how I felt but help me understand that others are seeing what I'm seeing, in a whole different light.

Ty loved to joke around.  Ty loved to scare me.  When I used to work for one of his nursing companies, and I would be cleaning his room, he loved to leave a rubber snake or a plastic bug laying around where I would least expect to find it.  Not that I am afraid of snakes but when you come across one and you're not expecting it to be there, it takes you back!  Thank God he never got me with a spider!

Tyler and his brother Justin (who passed away in 2007 at the age of 22) were both born with one of the most debilitating conditions a person can imagine.  Epidermolysis Bullosa (ep-ih-dur-MOL-uh-sis  Buhl-LOE-sah).  I have to be honest with you, even with that pronunciation there, I still can't say it.  It is referred to as EB and it is known as the worst disease you've never heard of.  Children with this disease are known as butterfly children because their skin is as fragile as the wings of a butterfly. 

Here is just a little information about EB that I got online from the Mayo Clinic.  There is so much more to learn about this awful disease though.

"EB is a group of rare diseases that cause the skin to blister.  The blisters may appear in response to minor injury, heat, or friction from rubbing, scratching or adhesive tape.  In severe cases, the blisters may occur inside the body, such as the lining of the mouth or intestines.  Most types of EB are inherited.  The condition usually shows up in infancy or early childhood.  Some people don't develop signs and symptoms until adolescence or early adulthood.  EB has no cure, though mild forms may improve with age.  Treatment focuses on addressing the symptoms-such as infection and itching-and preventing pain and wounds.  Severe forms may cause serious complications and can be fatal.  EB is usually inherited.  Researchers have identified more than a dozen genes involved with skin formation that, if defective, may cause a type of EB.  The skin is made up of an outer layer (epidermis) and an underlying layer (dermis).  The area where the layers meet is called the basement membrane zone.  The type of EB you have is defined by where in these layers the blisters form." --The Mayo Clinic

I have been staring at Facebook for the past 24 hours and now on the television.  Tyler has left this world and is finally free of all his pain.  He can run with his brother and his friends and he no longer has any limitations.  He is in Heaven and I can easily see in my mind, how big his smile is.  And as happy as I am for him to be "home," that selfish part pokes me in the ribs.  

I can not get in my head that I won't see Ty again.  I can not get in my head that I will never hear him say "Where is your redneck husband?" again.  I won't see him smile again. I guess it's harder to grasp when it is someone so young.  I don't know.  I have only known Ty for about seven years but he was a huge part of me for these seven years.  He was always hanging around in the back of my mind... helping me rethink things and giving me that extra push that I needed. 

Thank you Tyler, for so many smiles, so many laughs, so many tears, so many memories. Thank you for being the friend that you were; always making me feel like I was part of your family, part of your life, part of your heart.  I will always and forever hold you in my heart and treasure every memory I have of you.  

Thank you for introducing me to people that I otherwise wouldn't known.  Not so long ago, we were at the hospital visiting Ty and this guy walks in and you could instantly see the friendship between this guy and Ty.  I just sat back and let them have their fun; their conversation.  Then Ty says to me, "Shellie, this is Matthew Morgan.  He is The Dark Knight."  If you know me at all, you know that I couldn't believe my ears.  I'm pretty sure I was stunned and in awe at the same time.  There I was in the same room with the guy that plays one of my most favorite superheroes of all time.  TDK (or you might know him as Batman in some circles)!!!!!  I will be at the Comicon this November.  I can't wait.  So yeah...Ty has the best circle of friends!

I saw this picture the other day and it kinda just says it for me, so I will end with it. Tyler, I love you and I miss you and someday we will see each other again.  Until then, the rest of us will be down here fighting the fight.  Oh yeah...and I will help keep your mom busy...keep giving your dad a lot of grief...and I will always treasure Miss Mackenzie and Beth.