I need to vent

So.............I'm probably going to sound really bitchy in this one but I don't see a way around it.  I will make it short and to the point.  If you get offended, I'm not sorry.

In case you don't remember...I am well aware that the anniversary of Quintin's death is near.  In fact, is is coming up on Monday, May 23rd.  It will be the year of "firsts" over and done with.  I was telling one of my girlfriends today that the "firsts" didn't really bother me.  Quintin wasn't a holiday person.  He didn't care about celebrating any of them.  So that in itself made those a bit easier for me to get through.

It was more often the days between the "firsts" that were harder to deal with.  Watching a television show and something would remind me of something he said or something he did and it would get to me.  A song on the radio that he liked (and usually I didn't particularly like it) and it would tug at my heart strings, whereas before I would ask him what on God's green earth made him like this ridiculous song!

So yeah.  The first year is almost over and done with.  I would love to get to regular programming if possible.  And to do that, I am going to ask that going forward, starting now, you don't send me a "thinking of you" message or a "heart" or a call, text, snapchat, TikTok....nothing.  Let's pretend I am the only one in the world that knows what this week is leading up to because my ends are frayed and my system is down.  I don't know how I will get through this because we can't foresee how we are going to react to anything and I want to do it my own way.  I have made plans for how my day will be spent. 

Please give me that.  

Throwing in the towel

Hey there again!  It's me!!  Hope you all are doing amazing and tolerating this crazy weather. I know Iowa is a little bipolar this year.  We went from freezing to sweating in a matter of minutes.  At least the majority did.  I'm thoroughly enjoying this "hotness."  

As some of you know, last week I started a challenge with 3 others at work.  No energy drinks.  None.  That first day I thought I was going to lose my sanity but each day got a little better.  If that wasn't enough, I had cut all bad carbs out of my life for the week.  Yeah, life was getting testy for me.  Then my new iPhone came.  I have been an Android user my whole life so this was going to take some getting used to!!  Guess what??!!  The phone was the easiest of the three.  

I did hit a wall though.  I bought a Fitbit and it was not pairing with my new phone so instead of taking the time to figure it out, I took that thing back to the store and said "Not today, Satan."  I'm better off without that thing anyway.  So, I am currently 9 days without any carbonated energy drinks.  I was drinking iced tea and coffee but now am on my 4th day with no caffeine and nobody has yet to die from it!  I got through my week of no bad carbs (maybe on Cinco de Mayo, I may have had five chips dipped in queso because I had too much to drink and no supervision and a bad, bad friend influencing me)!!  I feel fantastic and no cravings for any of that crap right now.  And just 9 days in.....I am already the last one standing.  My other three comrades have caved to their desires.  I am going to keep it up for the rest of the month and see how it goes.

Getting to the point of my blog.....

So, a while back on Facebook (I mean, it was Feb 22, 2022 but feels like yesterday), I shared the article that is posted below.  It is about how women perceive their bodies and how we learned the behavior.  I even added a little tidbit about the life I led when I wanted to achieve that "perfect" look.  FYI, I never found that perfect look.  At least that's what I thought.  

Here's what I posted:  "I think there are A LOT of women out there that go through this.  When I lived in KC, I did a lot of binging and purging in hopes to get to my goal faster.  I won't lie, I did get there fast but it messed me up in so many ways.  The way I see myself, for starters.  Although I don't do this anymore, my head will never be accepting of my body and I will always, always sabotage myself. This is the stuff us women need to be discussing amongst ourselves and helping each other get through."

Lovely in the Dark

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I became a teenager in the 90s.

Where the models were stick thin.

Curves were disgusting.

Boobs were shameful.

And anything over a size 2 a disgrace.

Then the 2000s brought tall glamorous thin Victoria's Secret models that told me tan, tall, and cup D was desired.

Now at 38, I see how toxic my relationship with my body is.

I see young women today embracing their bodies. All the shapes and sizes. I am baffled how they can be so comfortable in their skin. Then I see companies using models that look like me.

But the damage has been done.

I hate my body right now.

And have in the past.

I have tried to throw it up, starve it, and exercise it all away. To be like them. The women in the magazines I read in my teens.

I look at my body now with the extra weight packed on by meds and age. Three new scars reminding me how sick my body was. The stretch marks from carrying my sons.

My clothes don't fit. I try to shop for replacements but it ends in tears and dispare. I can't see beauty and femininity. I only see the stick thin image burned into my brain of what beauty looks like.

I am told I am beautiful. Sexy. Hot. Desired.

I struggle to see it. And believe it.

And I want too. I really do.

Ridding myself of the lies I have heard for 30 years isn't easy. Especially when I still compare myself to others who are thinner than me.

I am sharing this now because it is heavy. It's exhausting. It's all consuming at times.

Me aching to love myself wholeheartedly and at the same time hating the way my body looks. Tears are forming as I write this.

Sure losing weight will make me feel better. It won't solve the problem or heal the issue.

I don't know how to work on loving my body.

But I know sharing this is the first step.

Since the day I posted that, I have literally went back to those days.  Not in the binging and purging kind of way but in the way of concentrating on numbers that, in the end, don't need to be concentrated upon.  I couldn't do enough to get my weight down and it was starting to consume me.  It was starting to become a focal point of my life.  I have been buying baby snacks to eat in the car when I go on long trips and it took a friend that knew me almost 20 years ago to say to me "I remember when you used to eat baby food."  That hit home with me and it bothered me.  

It bothered me because I knew what I had done back in those days did nothing but hurt my body and hinder my thought process so why did I go back to it?  Because I drilled it into my head for so many years that it made it easy to fall back on.  I listened to the wrong people for so many years; some of them (past) doctors that wanted me to live by numbers.  I can't do that anymore.  I'm tired of it and I should be able to be free to live my life for once.  The only numbers I care about now is my A1C and next month, the goal is to be able to start slowing off the meds finally.  I mean, I've only been diabetic for 15 years.  Next goal is to be able to say "I used to be a diabetic."  I will get there.

Yesterday, I put the scales away.  Out of sight, out of mind.  I will know if I need to adjust my eating/activities by the way my body starts to respond. I do not care what my weight is anymore.  I know I look good and I feel fantastic! The doctors office can tell me what my weight is when I go there.  I'm over it and I can't even tell you how freeing that is!  Now, let's not throw an ice cream party just yet.  I still plan to eat better and take good care of myself.  I have a lot of plans for my future and a lot of fun still to be had so I need to be in good shape for it!  So please don't intentionally sabotage my progress and I hope you will continue to encourage me to stay on the right track. 

Please, if you are letting those numbers on the scales get to you, stop now.  Do it.  Go cold turkey.  Listen to your body talk to you and respond accordingly.  Take care of yourself.  For you and any person that loves you.  It's hard, I'm not going to lie.  And I'm pretty sure about 20 years ago someone told me the older you get, the harder it is to maintain and boy, they were not joking!  

I don't have any magic words to get you started.  I don't have a magic potion that "this worked for me so it will work for you," but I'm here if you need to talk about it.  I can hold your hand through it but you have to do the real work.  If you want it bad enough, you can achieve it.  Just take that first step.  I'm not going to say if I can do it,  anyone can because like I said earlier, IT IS HARD.  

Now get out there and live life.  

And be kind.  

Above all else, be kind.

May 2022 will be one for the books

 Hello again!  I'm not sure why I'm back but I found myself here so I guess I will just run with it and see where it goes.

For many years, I have had everyone's opinion of energy drinks shoved down my throat and for a while I didn't really care.  Then one day I got sick of it and decided if you don't like it, stay away.  I don't push my opinions down your throats so why was I letting the opinions of everyone else bring me down?  If you don't like it, you don't have to drink it.  Simple as that.  They work for me.

For years, I have been a diabetic and since Quintin passed, I knew I had to take care of myself and those drinks came in really handy.  They give me the energy to get the things done I need to get done.  I only drink the sugar free ones and honestly, they have helped me get the healthiest I have been in 15 years.  My goal has always been "used-to-be-diabetic" and I'll be darned if I'm not almost there.  My numbers are down so low and my appointments are about to be spread further apart; meds are going to be cut down on the next visit (or sooner if I have my way) and I am at a decent weight.  At least a weight I can live with if that's where I decide to stay.  

As of tomorrow, May 2, 2022 I have agreed to join a 30-day no energy drink challenge.  It should be interesting since this stuff is my blood line.  I can still have caffeine, just not in the form of an energy drink.  I feel sorry for anybody that has to be around me after about day 3!!!  Like my co-workers haha.  They think I can be bitchy now...just you wait!!!  I will either be blogging or locked up in my own padded cell.  If you don't hear from me, you might want to check!  I went to the store today and stocked up on coffee and tea so.................. it will get interesting.  And we're just doing it to say we did it and we survived.  I may be getting the cart before the horse but I'm committed (or need committed).

This week I am also cutting way back on my carb intake.  I feel like I have been going overboard and need to stick to above goal (that little diabetes thing) so I can achieve that long-term goal.  I am tired of living on things that work against me.  Time for me to shine.  AND WHO KNEW TAKING YOUR MEDS EVERY DAY WOULD HELP???!!!???  Crazy!!!

Along with this craziness, daily exercises are a must.  Thirty minutes of vigorous activity every stinking day, whether I like it or not.  It's a good thing I love my infinity hoop because that makes exercising fun!  I don't know why I ever let myself get out of the habit of exercising anyway.  Oh wait, neck injury, moved to another home, husband got sick and died... yep, that's what it was!  

It's time to stop sabotaging myself in the name of every little thing.  But I'm back and that's all that matters.  Starting up is the hardest part of exercising!  Let's do this!

I won't bore you with all the exercise stuff on my Facebook page!  Don't worry.  Just please cheer me on here-and-there.  I need your support and encouragement!  Thanks in advance!

#5 of sorting before taking a mental break

Some days I feel like I have been through the worst things a person can go through but I haven't.  I am experiencing life as it is supposed to happen.  I haven't experienced anything less than most others on this planet.  I have to keep reminding myself of that when I get down in the dumps.  This is what life is about and if you don't have bad times, you can't appreciate the good times.  I will forever hold all the bad times in my heart so that I can cherish all the good times I have had and am having again.

I don't know that I have ever, in my life, wanted to keep going on as the same person.  I have always wanted to be better in some way.  Usually that has been inside my heart.  I mean, I have always wanted to have a thinner body and a thicker butt (lol)  but those aren't really the important things, I guess.  I want my heart to be free of hate, sadness and despair.  I feel like in my past, those things have worn me down and I have to make that stop.  So going forward, I refuse to let "bad" in my heart.  It is going to take some practice and some time because there are toxic people out there but I will get there. 

Will I get frustrated and angry with people?  Yes.  I am human.  But I refuse to let that anger and frustration take up residence and let those people live rent-free in my head or my heart.  I have too much to give.  I have too much love to share.  That's what my life is about going forward.  

Healing and love.  Healing and love.  I will keep repeating this until I get it 100% right but mind you, I will get there.  

I plan to be the person I never got to be.  The person I never got to be because of circumstance and because I got in my own way.  Not anymore.  I am going to be happy.  It's time to start living my life on my terms and under my own set of rules.  

Do I have a ways to go?  Yes.  But I'm getting there.  Typing things out like this sometimes hurts me so deep but I know that there is still life out there waiting for me and I'm determined to find it and love it.  I have a few more snippets to share along my journey but for now, I am going to take a little break and let the cracks in my heart mend.  

Thanks for your support and your encouragement.  Life can only get better from here on out.  Things are looking up!  Until next time!

#4 When you can't do it anymore, you will

 So..... we all have bad days.  We all have really bad days.  But the one thing we have in common is that we have a 100% track record of making it through those bad days.  That's hard to see when you're in the middle of a mental breakdown or a trauma.  Some of those days, I didn't even want to make it out to the other side.  I convinced myself it would be easier on myself and everyone around me if I had just given in and given up and let the bad consume me.  

Then I think about my dogs.  There is no way on earth I would willingly leave them to this world.  They have been through enough.  They have loved and lost just as much as I have and I will never be unfair to them.  

These dogs save my life more often than they will ever know, obviously but even more than I realize.  They are my unconditional love, support and companionship at any given time of the day or night.  Sure, they turn their heads sometimes when I'm having a deep and meaningful conversation with them and give me a look like "Did your cheese slide off your cracker?"  

They don't get frustrated with me (I think?).  They don't talk back to me (unless it's 06:30 and Wall-e decides it's time for me to get up).  Now they do get mad at me.  I mean that little one.  She-devil. She will get mad at me and look me straight in the eye and pee right in front of me.  She has no fear.  She's like my spirit animal.  Fear nothing.  Can't fault her for that now can I?

If you're not an animal lover, you won't get it.  If you are, you will certainly get it.

I kind of got off topic here.  My point being "You got this.  I got this.  We all got this."  

Be kind to yourself.

Still sorting it out #3

 This first picture was meant to go on yesterdays post and I failed to add it.  It doesn't make it less important though.  This is truly a "don't judge a book by it's cover" statement.

Going back to the subject of being strong, just remember that it isn't easy.  Not any day of the week when you feel like you are about to crumble inside.    Be the helper.  Be the side kick.  Be the post to let her/him lean on when life gets to be too much.  It's more valuable than any gift or money you could ever give them.

Moving on to the cleansing of my soul.....

Do you have a favorite place?  I always used to think I did.  For many years now I have always thought my favorite place was the Lake of the Ozarks.  I feel like I am in my element there.  I have always thought that.  Nothing else compared to it for me.  Until now.  

After a good, hard look at myself and at life, I have come to the realization that I don't really have a favorite place.  I have favorite people.  And it is those people that make the places absolutely incredible for me.  As long as I'm with someone who is my "favorite," we could watch the paint dry on the side of a barn and be perfectly content.   

This could not be worded any better, in my opinion.  In the past two years, not only have my priorities changed but so have the people around me and the roles they have taken in my life.  You will know when I'm in favorite place because I will be with my favorite person. And I will thrive like I haven't in years. 

That's all for today I guess.  My heart is heavy.

Sorting it out #2

Hey there! What a coincidence we meet here!!!  AGAIN!!!  I don't know if I'm ready for part 2 but I will give it the good ole college try.  

Today I am going to start with the word resilient.  The definition of resilient is "able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions."  

I would have never thought that there would be a time in my life when I wasn't thrilled to be resilient but I will admit, after losing Quintin, I was too exhausted to be just that.  People kept telling me that I was (and still am) strong and resilient and all I wanted for myself was to not be that strong, resilient person.  I wanted to be weak and hide but it was expected of me to be strong and show the world that I succeeded.  And anyway.... who was going to take care of me if I couldn't take care of myself, right?

When people tell you things, over and over, you tell yourself you have to be just that.  I know it was all with good intentions and unless you have been through it, you will never understand.  It is exhausting being strong for everyone else.  And anyone can say all day long "you don't have to be strong for me," but the minute you let your guard down.... the minute you show the tiniest bit of weakness... that's when you get that "sad look" and people think you are depressed and can't handle life and possibly need a therapist or medicine to get you through.  See why trying to be resilient is easier??

Here's what I want.  No, here's what I need.  Finally deciding to put this out there for the world to try to understand.  I am damn sick and tired of being strong.  I am over it.  I want softness and ease yet I do not want to let anyone down.  Am I going to?  Yes.  Yes I am because I have to put me first finally.  I have never done this and I don't really know what I'm doing.  I don't need a guide.  Please let me figure this out on my own.  

I am tired of being built up.  I know that probably sounds stupid but it's how I feel.  I don't need to be built up.  The only thing I need is help holding myself up when I need it the most.  If I don't reach out as much as I used to, please don't take it personally.  This girl needs to learn to relax and just breathe for a change.  I have no idea what this life is about because it's just me so it is going to take a long time for me to figure out what I want and what I don't want, going forward.  

 So, there's that word vomit all over the page.  If I could add just one more piece of advice to every person on the earth.  When someone is openly grieving..... and I say openly because we grieve forever but in the first shocking moments it is an open grieve.... no matter how long they grieve... because every person takes a different amount of time.  Anyway, back to what I was saying; please, please, please never, ever tell someone "I didn't want to say/do/come around because I thought you had enough on your plate."  Nobody gets to tell another person when they have enough on their plate.  They will tell you when their breaking point is near.  Just be considerate.  

Thanks for reading.  My heart broke writing this.