Well before I start this blog, I have a really disturbing story to tell you! In preparation of sitting down and pounding this thing out, I decided to go pee, take the contacts out of my eyes and be comfortable so as to get it over quickly and without injury. Apparently someone else had other ideas. Bertha, this one is for you!
Into the bathroom I go. Pull up the nightgown and get ready to sit down and....WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???.......as I stare in the toilet. Drop the nightgown back down. "Gee, did you shit and not flush?" The more I look at this thing, the more I am convinced there are eyes on that little......rather big, bastard! And it's looking right at me! Sitting in position like it just crawled up from the sewer and is ready to pounce at me any minute. I back away from the toilet a half step. "I don't think so.....I mean I THINK I flushed!"
He thinks he flushed. How the hell does he not know if he flushed the fucking toilet or not?? I know when I flush and I don't have to see if there's POOP in there to know it!! I think a mouse fell in our toilet. And at this point I am telling myself that if that was the case, he has drowned and I should just pee on him and get my business done. Because if I don't make a decision soon, I will just be peeing down my leg and onto the bathroom floor; which means another shower today and delaying this blog and..........ugh!!! MEN!!
I don't want to flush this thing. What if it pounces OUT of the water and attaches onto my face??? I don't want shit/piss water on my face!! You know he came from the sewer and he brought someone else's nasty shit up with him. Oh my goodness, what the hell do I do at this point? A million thoughts are going through my mind. I could go out back and squat. I could go to the neighbors and tell them our toilet is broken.
Grrrrr...........that means I would have to put my bra on. And my underwear. Nope, it's not happening. I close my eyes and flush. And open them back up really quick as I step back another half step. It's gone. It went down. I think it was a turd. I can't be sure though. The little guy on my left shoulder was telling me that the little bastard is waiting in the pipe...for me to sit down...so he can bite my ass cheek...or worse....he could bite me THERE!
The little guy on my right shoulder...well he's just sitting there laughing his little ass off at me. The more I hear him laugh, the more I have to pee. His laughter is almost like running water. I slapped my left hand down on my right shoulder, sat down and peed as fast as I could...with my eyes closed...because...well I don't know WHY...I just did!!
And then I got the hell off of there. Yes, I wiped. And yes, I washed my hands. You will not be getting any kind of pink eye or purple nose or red ear or anything like that from me. No way, no how!
Soooo...........when I was with Matilda last weekend, I saw a car that was for sale and I fell in love with it. I really really really really wanted it. It was a 2000 Volkswagen Beetle. Mint green. I could see me driving that little shit around. Got the number and first thing Monday morning, Gee called the bank that was selling it. They were asking under KBB for it so we called our bank and they said "We have just been sitting here waiting for you to call and ask us for money. Come get an app and let's get this car!" Yes, they were that excited for me! To make this long story not so long, it took from Monday morning until Wednesday afternoon to get the paperwork done, copies into the bank that they needed, blah blah blah.
The bank that we were buying the car from, knew that on Wednesday I would be bringing the money down and picking up this car. I had worked the late night shift so I slept during the day. In the afternoon, I called the banker to see if he wanted a cashiers check, cash or if a check was okay and what do you think he said to me? "I just sold it."
"You what?" I literally shook my head because I thought a cobweb had gotten in the way. "Someone just came and test drove it and well.....I know their banker (I bet you do!) and I know that they have the money." What the fuck did he think we had been working toward for the past two and a half days??? "I see. I will be sure to tell everyone I know how you sold that out from under me." And I hung up. I was so heartbroken.
Gee comes home from work and he's pissed. "I am going to find you the car you want if it kills me." So he jumps on the internet and goes to work. Then I jump on the internet and I go to work. We find two very very good candidates. One black beetle and one electric blue beetle. Both of them in the city so I knew the next day I could go right up and check them out. Gee starts calling around and tells the first guy that we are going to come up the next day and check this car out but asks if he can go down on price a little bit.
Of course he says no and he's probably right. I think it was a steal at the price it was at but I just didn't HAVE that much to give him. I still loved it. Gee calls another guy and asks about a yellow one that I liked in an ad and of course, it had sold but they didn't bother taking it off of their internet ad. Bastards.
Calling the other place and inquires about the electric blue one. It was there and they said we could come up and see it but that they go fast so we would want to get up there early. That was the plan. Guess what. The next morning, they claimed that the electric blue one was sold. Are you freaking kidding me?? Maybe they DO go fast??
Then we found a charcoal colored one in Omaha. Lexus of Omaha to be exact. Gee calls them and yep, they have it. We are ready to leave the house to head that way when the guy calls back and says "How set is your wife's heart on a Beetle?" And that was within MINUTES!! What the hell?!? This is ridiculous!!
I guess I wasn't meant to have a Beetle. We headed out to Lexus of Omaha anyway...just to see what they had. Because they "said" they had some good pre-owned cars that they thought we would be interested in. Uh huh. They brought out ...................
My MP3 player just got in the way, sorry. I lost my total train of thought. It's those stripper visions that I have. You'll have to excuse me. I love that song that says I look so much cuter with something in my mouth!! Probably why I always try to shove food in there. Sexy huh!!
Okay okay, back to business!! Let me re-read something here and get back on track. I have too many good songs on this thing.
Oh yes! I remember now. I specifically told them that I did NOT want a Dodge and I did NOT want a Mercury. No dice. Don't go there. So this d-bag Derick says he is going to bring a Saturn around to show us. He leaves and I get a bad feeling. He pulls up and we go out...only to find that he has brought us a Dodge Stratus. SERIOUSLY DUDE???!!!???
He told me to just look at it and maybe take it for a drive just to see what I thought. This is what I told him. "I don't like Dodge. I mentioned that. This car is dirty. Like someone dumped a bucket of dirt in it. The steering wheel is peeling. OH! And that place on the passenger door..........where it was SIDE SWIPED.........THAT won't do!! NO, we won't be looking at this car!
Here comes the manager around the corner. No, I wasn't loud and I wasn't rude. I was hot and I was honest. This manager was pretty sure he could get me into a Lexus. I tell you what, I laughed....loudly....in their faces. They didn't even know how to react. The two salesmen just looked at each other. I said "Yeah so I can sell my house to live in my Lexus!" He was convinced that I was going to love this car. Off he goes.
"Gee, if he brings a gold car up here, I will run him over, I swear it." He heads right for a gold car. My heart just about jumped out of my chest. (For those that don't know, I can't STAND the color gold.....this is why I'm poor. Gold is gold!!) He takes a sharp right and gets in a different car. Looks almost silver at first. Here he comes. A Lexus. It wasn't an ugly car. But it was an EXACT replica of my county magistrate's car (except for the color...it was called "oyster" but it was close to gold). "This isn't happening, sorry." I was tired of wasting my time and his time. I was ready to go. Stick a fork in me, I'm done.
D-bag Derick says "It has a 6 CD changer in the glove compartment." Was that really his save for this sale? Wow. We're out. See ya on the flip side. We'll call you. I lied. We won't.
Back to the great state of Iowa where I not only found a car that I absolutely L-O-V-E, but we had options of MANY cars that we could have purchased! Thank you Rhoden Auto! You haven't let me down once in twenty plus years.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
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