My first time

I hate pain.  In any sense.  There are some people out there that claim they like pain.  And I think those people are full of crap.  How can anyone like pain?  How does anyone like to hurt?  Maybe there's an answer to that question that I don't want to know.  If I could cock (yes, I said cock) my eyebrow, I would.  I can't.  My face is way too lazy to do something as fun as that.  Although, just for the record, I have always been very jealous of people that could do that.  I used to date this guy and he would...............

THAT is NOT the story I came here to tell. Nor do you want to hear it. 

Just under a week ago, I got this sharp pain in my back.  Right smack between my shoulder blades.  At first it was this annoying pain and as the night went on, that pain traveled up my right shoulder, as well as under my right arm..........into my chest and up the right side of my neck.  By the time I went home from work, I hurt so bad, I didn't dare turn my neck. 

I figured I was stressed a little bit because we were on the tail end of that "car thing" and I was a little on the bitchy side.  Okay, a lot.  Ask my husband.  That poor man.  Anyway, I figured it would go away after I slept it off. 

It didn't go away.  Matter of fact, it kept me from getting any really good kind of sleep.  And that just made me crankier.  Again, I say.....my poor husband.  (If you tell him I said that, I will DENY, DENY, DENY!!)  The pain lasted about two days and then it went away.  Super!  I knew I could suffer through it.

One whole day without the pain and guess what.  Yep!!  It came back.  This time it didn't creep in on me.  It all came back full force.  Like it was pissed at me or something.  I don't know why it would be pissed at me.  I was the one babying it for shit's sake!

So two more days of it and I couldn't stand it.  I was miserable no matter what I did.  I couldn't stand.  I couldn't sit.  I couldn't lay down.  I couldn't lean against the wall.  I couldn't bend over.  Hell, I couldn't breathe.  At least not without pain.  I would JUST find a spot that would be "good enough" to try to relax in and quick as that.....it was gone.  I was back to miserable again.

And that shit got old fast.  A co-worker told me to go see Lucy.  Lucy could help.  She is covered under our insurance...well her services are anyway....and what could it hurt?  Maybe...just maybe, she would fix whatever it is this was. 

I am not one to have many back problems.  I like to lay on the floor.  Always have been.  Matter of fact, my mom used to live in an apartment that had a concrete floor under the carpet and padding and that was where I could sleep like a log.  I always knew my back would be supported and straight. 

Matilda has a lot of back problems.  Lower back problems.  I keep telling her it is because her boobies are too big.  She either needs to get them chopped off or find a man to help carry that shit around.  She's going to fall over on her head one of these days and not be able to get up.

But I don't want to talk about my sister's boobies.  Gross.  I don't even like to talk about mine without getting in the shower afterward.  Boobies are gross.  To  me.

I made the appointment with Lucy.  The chiropractor.  And I was pretty nervous.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I was scared shitless.  This was my very first time with a chiropractor so it didn't help that my co-workers told me things like, "Take 800 mg of Ibuprofen before you go so you don't hurt as much afterward."  If my eyebrows could have raised at that point, they would have.  And high!  And then there's the, "Oh you get to hear all that cracking."

Okay okay that almost made me cancel.  If there's one thing I can't stand, it's the souond of someone cracking every damned bone in their body.  Now, I am not perfect.  I do crack my knuckles.  And I love that feeling.  The sound not so much though.  It makes me want to hurt.  Literally.  Especially when it's someone's neck.  Gross!

The whole time I was driving north to see Lucy, I was hearing the advice from my co-workers and the sound of those tables.  The first time I heard one of those tables moving, I just about ran out the door.  I'm sure I lost all color in my body.  I thanked God that day that I was not going through that office door to be worked on.  I was told that it was the table and not someone's body but how was I to know? 

I get to Lucy's business and she's in with another client so I have to wait.  And the room is little and I don't want to sit because it hurts.  So I pace.  And it hurts.  So I stop and read the stuff on the walls (the artwork...they don't write on the walls or anything like that).  And it hurts. 

I try to think about the last couple of times I had been here.  Once was to get a brazillian wax job and the other was for a massage.  Both of those experiences I enjoyed getting and I don't like my back touched.  I remembered as Lauren started my massage and I kinda forgot that I didn't like my back touched.  That was an awesome experience.  I was so happy with it that I swore I wouldn't go have another one unless I had a driver because I was so relaxed, I almost fell asleep driving home. 

Good memories though.  How bad can this be, right?

Lucy makes her way out and gives me some paperwork to do.  I sit (and want to cry) and fill it out.  I hope she can read my writing.  I scribbled. Something I don't normally do.  But I needed to get past that whole sitting still thing.  Before I died.  And I was pretty sure I was close to death.

Into the little room we go where again...I sit.  I didn't have to.  She told me I could stand if I needed to.  But then I would feel like a twelve foot giant as she sat on her chair.  She told me all the bad things that COULD happen.  You know the things.....how I could feel worse after this or how I could have a stroke.  Nothing too exciting.

She tells me to stand up at the end of the table.  The table that is already standing up.  I step up next to it and the table starts going down.  Oh shit.  Where are my hands supposed to go???  "Where do I put my hands?  I don't want them to get caught in something."  I'm pretty sure I sounded like a fricken idiot but all the same, it made me forget, for a second, that I was in pain. 

Next thing I know, I am laying face down on this table that was JUST standing up.  I need a bed like this!  Would make "making the bed" a whole lot easier!!  Lucy starts in rubbing my back.  And I start moaning like she's killing me.  Poor Lucy.  I am beginning to feel sorry for most that have to deal with me when in a bad mood, sick or hurting. 

She engages me in conversation.  I couldn't even tell you what it was.  Oh yes I can!!!  She was asking me about my blogs!  Ha ha.  So again, that took my mind off of my direct pain as she worked her magic.  The next thing I know, she drops this little piece of table out from under me and presses on my back and I feel this little pop and................"OHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH!!!"  Now that I think back, I'm glad we were the only two in the building.  I felt like such a virgin!

Table goes up and I'm thinking "Oh I want some more of that" when she tells me to turn around so that I will be laying on my back.  Again, the table starts to go down and I must have looked like I was panicking because she assured me this wasn't a roller coaster and I didn't have to hang on.  She doesn't know me very well.  I needed to hang on to something.  So I hung onto myself and prayed that I didn't roll off this thing. 

And I didn't.  Dammit she was right.  She starts rubbing around my neck and head and again we are talking away.  I felt like I should have been sitting up and having this done though.  I felt like my head was three times bigger than normal and it was in the way!  She starts telling me where to put my arms (oh now you want me to put them down!) and where to look and next thing I know, she pops my neck. 

Again..."OOOHHHHHHHH."  The sound was deafening in my ears though.  I hated it.  She asked me if I was going to vomit and I told her no.  I wasn't going to vomit.  Because if I did, I would have had to swallow it.  Remember, I was on my back.  Pretty sneaky of her, wasn't it?  So we did the other side and up I went. 

I moved my head from side to side and didn't have to turn my whole body.  THAT was nice.  THAT was worth it.  THAT made me very happy.  The pain was absolutely and totally gone from my shoulder and underarm.  And it still is.  My neck is still a little sore when I look to the left but it's so much better than it was. 

Who says there's no such thing as a fast fix?  That was mine.  I was able to go home and sleep.  Sleep deep.  Sleep good.  Sleep comfortably. 

I'm so glad I went to see Lucy.  It helps that I kinda knew her before going in because I was comfortable with her already.  And I'm glad I didn't vomit on her.  Or on her table.  Or in my mouth.  I'm sure she's just as glad.  Up until this happened, I had never been to a chiropractor in my life and quite honestly questioned how good it could be.  It was so much better than going to a doctor and so much easier. 

Until next time...........watch your back.