Another little piece of my heart

Tonight I would like to send a shout out to my niece Sam and her boyfriend Shaun. They found out on New Year’s Eve that Sam had miscarried and didn't know it. Whether this is a good sign or a bad sign, doesn't matter. What I can tell you is that it's hard. Whether you want to get pregnant or it was just an "accident." As many of us know, losing a baby is a terrible experience. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't know about everyone else, but I know that for Sam and I, it’s a constant thought about “what did I do wrong?” 

I think it’s a very natural thing for women to blame themselves because honestly, other than God, who else CAN we blame?  I know that God has a plan for everyone and everything.  I accept that.  But I don’t understand it or like it. 

I know a lot of women that have miscarried and it’s hard to watch someone go through it.  Before I was ever married, I got pregnant.  And in the middle of my first trimester I miscarried.  We will never ever know for sure but my guess it was twins, coming from what I saw that day.

I was working in a restaurant in Diagonal, helping out a friend, and started having severe stomach cramps.  I had never had cramps in my life so this was definitely something new and strange for me.  I went into the bathroom and sat down to pee and noticed blood on my underwear. 

The things that followed were awful.  There I was stuck in that little itty bitty bathroom, all by myself, with my best friend out in the next room cooking for and serving everyone in the place.  I knew I should have called out for her but she was busy doing her job; and mine. 

I felt like a certified piece of crap.  I couldn’t carry a baby.  I couldn’t stop crying.  I couldn’t even finish my shift.  I took my friend’s car home and Kathy came and got me.  She took me to the doctor and he examined me.  He told me what I already knew and I remember Kathy holding my hand through all of it. 

She felt it just as I did because she had already had 2 miscarriages in earlier years.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  This isn’t the worst thing that could have happened to me.  I was a single young woman, living with my best friend, waiting tables whenever they needed an extra hand, and “partying” it up as much as a pregnant woman could. 

I never drank or smoked while I was pregnant.  I did however, get kicked in the stomach.  I have always wondered if that was the reason I miscarried.  You might say “Well DUH Shellie!” BUT it’s amazing what a woman can put her body through that doesn’t even affect a baby in her stomach.  And it happened pretty early on.  It was a good month or so before I lost that baby.

On the flip side, from the minute I found out I was pregnant, I was eating better…well except for mashed potatoes…definitely did not have a friendly relationship with mashed potatoes.  I started walking more.  And my choice in music and reading changed.  As much as I love good ole rock n roll, I would lie on my bed and listen to classical music and read “smart books,” like Reader’s Digest and sometimes I even would read out of Encyclopedias.  Remember those (I wish I owned a set of those even now)???  I wanted my baby/babies to know the right stuff even before he, or she, or they, knew it.  Does that make sense?  I didn’t want my babies to have to “learn” to be smart.  I wanted them to be “born smart.”  I don’t know if that even works but I would have done it the same a million times over.

Later in life, when I was married to Carlos, he thought it was strange that we never got pregnant.  We were sent to a specialist out in Omaha and I was examined.  The procedure to follow through was going to be costly and I just didn’t know if I was cut out for parenthood.  On the way home, we discussed it at length with Cindy (she had driven us out) and she flat out asked me, “How bad do you want to have a baby?  How far are you willing to go?”  I don’t know if it was that exact minute or not but I knew sometime close to that exact minute, that my heart was not in it. 

Although I have said it time and time again, “I never wanted to have kids,” for a brief moment, I did.  And Sam and I both agree that when you actually become pregnant, you can’t help but WANT a baby.  Well that was the case with me.  And with her.  The possibilities; the hype; everything about being pregnant is so fun and so worth it.  Even the morning, evening and/or night sickness.

So I don’t know for sure.  I don’t have any answers.  All I know is that my heart breaks for those that decide they want a child and something like this happens.  “All in God’s time.”  Wish I knew what verse that was.  I do really love it.

So to Sam and Shaun, I am very sorry for your loss.  You deserve better than that.  I know you love your baby and were very excited for your family to grow.  You are both young and have plenty of time to start again.  Always remember that God IS on your side.  Even when you think He’s not.  Love and prayers sent your way.