You can pick your nose but you can't pick your family

Heya!  We meet again.  What would you like to chat about tonight?  I didn't really have a subject and made the mistake of asking my husband what he thought I should blog about and he thought I should give him his fifteen minutes of fame and talk about his driving.  HA!  Fifteen minutes my ass!  I could go on and on and on about his driving! So tonight's mess goes out to Gee.  The love of my entire life.  Even when I can't stand him and want to duct tape him to the rear axle of the short bus he should be riding, he makes my cold heart go pit-a-pat <3 

Gee just got his license back after being a stupid young man and playing games with the cops.  He hasn't had a license the whole time we have lived together or been married.  I have always had to do the driving.  Good weather, bad weather, sleepy or sick so I was EXCITED when he got his license back.  I had visions of sleeping in the passenger seat.....maybe even the back seat.  Lounge around, put my feet out the window and just R-E-L-A-X!!!  Finally my own chauffeur. 

I am confident I will NEVER see that day.  Let me give you a couple of examples.  We were going down the highway one day to C-town and he is driving; I am playing on my Kindle Fire.  Nice day out and I was thoroughly enjoying the ride.  All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Gee stands on the gas pedal.  He floors it!  For a second I thought he was having some kind of an "episode" and maybe he thought he was Jeff Gordon.  I said "What the hell are you doing?"  (Make sure you are sitting down for this because even today I can't believe he said this to me).  His reply "That sonuvabitch thinks he's going to pass me and I'm going 60mph!  That's fast enough!"  For a split second, I was sure someone was "punking" me.  I just started looking around to make sure someone was even behind us.  Sure enough there was.  He (referring to the driver behind us) was probably about as lost as I was at this point!!  I'm not even going to get into the conversation that followed.  Let's just say it started at that point and ended..................maybe the next day???  I can't really remember.  All his driving seems to be lumped into one category; no matter what day it is.  CATEGORY "OH SHIT."

Let's see.  My good friend Bertha complains about people who don't use their turn signals.  I hope she gets behind Gee some day.  He uses his signals really well.  Three quarters of a fucking mile before he plans to turn.  And then there's the whole Missouri stop that he pulls at different intervals of his cruise.  I'm not sure if he thinks because one stop sign is redder than the other, that he is allowed to roll through one stop sign and stop for the other but I can't seem to pick up on his routine of stopping or rolling. Many times when he does actually stop, he stops for a L-O-N-G time.  I like to wait until he's ready to pull away and I say "STOP!!"  Then I tell him I just saw someone in the next town pull out onto the roadway so we better wait.  He doesn't think I'm very funny when I do that.  Go figure.

Have you ever rode with someone who is constantly stepping on the gas pedal and then  immediately pulling their foot completely off of it?  I have a brother, Herc, that does that and it not only makes me anxious but it pisses me off.  At least Herc has cruise control.  He has NO reason to do that!  Gee on the other hand, just doesn't seem responsible enough to LEARN how to find the "G" spot on my car.  No cruise.  Geezus H how hard is it?  My dad always said you shouldn't get to use the cruise control until you've learned to master the gas pedal.  (I got a lot of speeding tickets when I was younger.)  Anyway, I have explained to him that it makes me anxious because every time he lets off the gas, I think there is something to be cautious about.  Maybe it's just because I'm such a perfect driver that I can't accept anything less.  I'm willing to go with that explanation.

So if you would like an adventure, I suggest you take a ride with my Gee and see for yourself if he's a crack-whore on wheels.  -_-  Just make sure you have plenty of insurance and I'll do the same!  Another thing that I should probably warn you about is that he can't seem to drive down the middle of his lane.  If he's on a highway, he will drive right on the white line.  The white line is on the right.  Right next to the shoulder.  With that deep ditch that goes straight down.  You know the one.  It has a culvert down in there.  A culvert made of cement.  Cement that hurts the face as it's smashed into it.  Jus sayin'.  And God forbid you ride with him on gravel.  He doesn't know the right side from the wrong side.  Maybe he does but he doesn't use ANY common sense.

 So I'm done talking about Gee because as I live, breathe and type this fucking blog, he is sanding and playing with a turkey call.  I told him to stop because I cannot concentrate when he is making that awful noise.  He tells me to "blog about it then."  My response to him was "Gee, they don't let people blog in prison!"

So, since I brought up Herc, I think I will chat a little about him.  He's been on my mind a lot lately.  He's kind of a sports star in our little town.  HA!  Sports star.  I like it.  I call my brother Herc, short for Hercules, because I think he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders; and looks good doing it.  From a very young age, Herc has punished himself for things that were beyond his control.  Good guy.  Great father.  


Then there's the whole husband thing.  I'm not saying he's bad at it.  Not at all.  And who am I to judge?  I'm not a whole lot better at husband picking but hey, what can I say.  He has one of those wife's that you just wanna shake the shit out of just because she woke up today.  Seriously.  You can't help but love to hate her.  I think we all have at least ONE relative like her to some extent.  Bertha has one of those relatives.  She can sympathize with me.


***Editors note:  I originally had a LONG post up that was between Bertha and myself but felt that there are just SOME things a girl needs to take to the grave with her.  Anyway, she can actually be a really great person; Ding, my brother's wife.  When you are one-on-one with her.  She will give you the shirt off her back (as long as you remember her favor and return it very very soon).  She loves her kids and tries very hard to give them everything they want.  At any cost.  ANY.  Not commendable in my eyes.  I think I have said before that kids have too many rights these days?  They also have too much stuff.  Material stuff.  Shit that's a whole new blog.  Not tonight.  Moving on.


The reason I call my brother Herc?  He's strong.  He's quiet.  He's brilliant.  He puts up with a lot of shit.  He's a good man.  Now if he could just give up a bad habit or two.....  Again, another blog.  Another day. I love my brother like he was my own.  Oh wait.................HE IS MY OWN!  It all worked out!


I will close this for now.  Gee is dying to hear what I have to say about him and his "to die for" driving abilities.  I will probably have nightmares now.  See ya on the flip side!!