As I sit here and ponder just what I might talk about today, my coon hound goes completely NUTSO outside!! DOGS!! What. The. Hell. You can't live with them and you just can't duct tape them. I say the same about kids, it's true.
We have three dogs. Two female. One male. One outside and two that should be outside. Well, they are when it's nice outside. They're too small to be out all winter long. And the coon hound WANTS to be a house dog. Actually a lap dog. What she doesn't understand is that she is TOO BIG to be a lap dog! But they're good dogs. When they are sleeping. And separated. Always good when they're one on one. Except my little male. He's a pain in the ass all the time. He is constantly trying to hump one of the girls and they don't go for that. They bite him. -_- I like that in a female! The ability to take care of herself.
He doesn't really try to hump his sister very often. I think he only does that when he gets desperate but you should see him when the coon hound is in the house. Wait, wait, wait; I gotta back up. The two inside dogs, as you know, are small dogs. Small yes. Part wiener, part beagle. I call them beaners. So he's a beaner and she's a coon hound. His legs are about 6 inches long. Her legs are about 2 feet long. You can see why I think this is funny and don't get too excited about them actually having sex. I truly lose it laughing when he is trying to walk beside her and humping her legs as she walks. I wish he knew how stupid he looked!
The coon hound likes to think she's their mother though and when she is tired of his humping, she barks at him. LOUD. She's not a house barker. She only ever barks if she can't get to a rabbit, or a cat, or a squirrel. You get it. She's an outside barker. Like now. I would like to go out and rip her tongue completely out of her mouth. Geezus H, shut the hell up!!! Sometimes I will go out and stand at the bottom of the tree and point and say "Can't you get that squirrel? Come on!!" She goes I-N-S-A-N-E. Kinda like Bertha at a shoe sale. Or Vivian at a wine shop. Or Kate on Ebay. I could go on but why?
Now, speaking of my little humper, he has decided that all of a sudden he is going to mark everything in my house. All my dining room chairs are marked. He even marked the bottom stair (told you he only has a 6 inch leg). Can someone P-L-E-A-S-E tell me why, all of a sudden, he started doing this??? He's two years old and has never done this before. Someone told me I should get him fixed. Someone else told me I should let him eat lead. The latter one makes me shiver. I couldn't do that to ANY pet. I like to threaten it, but could never do it.
Our carpet is ruined in our living room because they are so damned smart that they take a piss in there after given a treat. You would think THAT is when they wouldn't do it!!! I think they think they are doing us a favor. I'm not so pleased. As soon as I find a home for these two little creatures, I'm going out and getting new carpet and new furniture. That will be a happy day. -_- Why do they just decide to shit in my living room when they have "facilities" of their own? They have a whole room in the basement that is just for them. A potty place and all. And they get to go outside when it's nice. They love the outside! I don't understand these stupid dogs!!
One night, Gee went up to bed and next thing I know, he is stomping down the stairs. He has his comforter in his hand and starts chasing the little dogs around saying "Come here you little sonovabitches. Who pissed on my bed? Huh? Who did it?" All the while, they are running behind furniture because he is running around like a crazed lunatic. I asked him just what he thought he was going to accomplish. His answer "I'm going to take them out in the country tomorrow and..............." I didn't even let him finish! "The HELL you are! Now you listen here, you don't know WHICH dog did that and you can't punish both of them for it! You also don't know WHEN they did it so they have probably forgotten about it by now! And here's the important part you ASSHOLE!! When we wet the bed as children, OUR PARENTS DIDN'T SHOOT US!!" I wonder what our neighbor thought of THAT conversation! There is no doubt it was heard. Needless to say, when Gee went back to bed, I lost it laughing!! Oh yes, I did! -_-
One day when one of them pissed in front of his chair, he got his gun out and made them look at it. I asked him what he thought he was accomplishing. He said "They know what I do with this thing." I told him yes they do. You leave the house with it and when you come home, you have a dead animal for them to play with or sniff. THAT'S what they know you moron!
We thought we had someone that was going to take the dogs. A lady that lives out in the country and could take care of them. I promised to send their dog houses and a huge bag of dog food with them but haven't heard if she's taking them or not. I will love that lady for life if she takes the Monsters Incorporated off my hands. And then, no more house dogs. Ever. We will keep the coon hound as long as she lives. She won't go to the bathroom in the house for nothing. She never has. I love my dogs but I can't stand that they do this to my home.
*sigh* It's almost time for them to be outside full time. I love that. Do YOU want my dogs? Pretty please. With sugar on top? One of them? You can have one. The female has had one litter of puppies but I can't go into that right now. It hurts me to talk about it too long. Someday though. I will blog about it. Anyway, I think my dog wants to go home with you.
So I guess to me, people and their dogs are kinda like people are their kids. I never wanted kids. Why would I ever think I wanted a dog? Or two? Or three??? Somebody slap me next time!!!
As I close, the coon hound is quiet. Laying happily on the back porch taking in the sun and the two Monsters Incorporated are laying on their blanket on the couch, watching me type. The TV is on and they are content. They don't particularly like silence or darkness so I try to keep something going for them. I think I will go show 'em some love before I start on dinner.
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